Decide On Joy

Self Care and Commitments

• Jim Covault

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Jim:

Hello, and welcome to this episode of Decide on Joy, a podcast coming to you from Harmony Spiritual Center in Fort Worth, Texas. My name is James, Jim Koval. Yes

Pjae:

it is. Or

Jim:

James.

Pjae:

Either way, my name is Rev. Dr. P. J. Stanley, and thank you so much for being here today.

Jim:

Okay, and our, our topic today, we, basically this podcast is about sort of basic principles and not so basic principles in New Thought Spirituality. Today we're talking about self care and commitments and distinguishing between them. When it's time to take care of yourself and keeping commitments, which is often a tricky balance.

Pjae:

It absolutely is. It absolutely is. And I want to come back to the, to what we're doing here. Yeah, we're doing some New Thought Spirituality, but we're, but, and what we are about as a New Thought Spiritual Center is about living great lives. And what does that mean? So we take in We talk about a number of things that have to do with what makes a life good and that would obviously be our opinion, and you may agree or you may disagree but there are things that that seem like it's, it's obvious how life is or how it works, but it isn't always. Sometimes I just want to talk about it and say, what does that really mean and what are we doing here? So we're talking about spiritual concepts and principles as well as just living, just everyday living and how do you live the best life possible becoming more aware of what it takes to live a great life and what it means to you. So that's what we're going to talk about.

Jim:

And I guess it's, it's the spiritual side and it comes from, from the belief that you can, in fact Determine what your life is like. But the other aspects of it, you know, if you were looking in the bookstore, they'd be in the self help or whatever that's called now, not in the spirituality section. So okay, self care.

Pjae:

Yeah.

Jim:

What's different between that and selfishness?

Pjae:

Exactly. And I think that this is where we have a difficult time, particularly people who, you know, we're kind of all born with personality just personalities, and some people are more care giving than others. It's just the way it is. Some people are more loving than others. It's just a part of our personality. So those who are natural caregivers, and I have a lot of those people in my life and some who are not necessarily natural caregivers, but lean towards it and really find that that's a, that's something that we do in, in society, you just take care of kids, you take care of the elder, you just take care of people if you can find it difficult to, to do, to distinguish between taking care of yourself. and feeling selfish about it. And there's absolutely, you, you can't, you can't work 24 hours, 7 days a week. You can't do it. There has to be time for replenishing yourself. There has to be time for for for resting, for doing things that bring you joy beyond and so I think the, the self caring for others is about service. And it's, it's a vocation, an application. So when do you say, okay, well, I've done that, and now I need to take some time for me and not feel selfish about it. So those are the, those are the things we're talking about today. Yeah.

Jim:

I would imagine it can be a particular problem for, say, parents with young children.

Pjae:

Absolutely. And you know, I have several people in, well, we are, we're an older membership, an older group. And so we have parents. That we're, that we're looking at taking, not having to, wanting to do our turn now. To care for them as they cared for us when we were children, and so that can become almost a full time job. It's also when you're in a relationship, and that's part of the, the agreement, spoken or unspoken, that we make, that we'll care for one another. And so when a spouse or, you know another member of your family becomes ill, can't take care of themselves as they used to, then you feel And, and we feel like we've made a commitment to care for them to be on your side, to to, to love you and be there for you. So it, it becomes this, this thing where we have to be, Do as best we can be clear about what our commitments are, our loving commitments, not our, not our commitments, because, oh, you know, I gotta do it because that's what a good human being would do. Well, who, who, who, who knows what that all is? But it's about what you think is your commitment to that person, to your life, to what you think. You know, it makes, brings you joy to care for somebody you care for.

Jim:

Yeah, I mean, the example I was bringing up though, I mean, if it's, if you're a parent and you have, say, a very young child or children, that's not exactly, I mean, in a way you made that commitment, but in another way, you, there you are, you know, and, and, I would think, I don't have that experience, but I would think that, that, that, finding a way to say, Okay, I have to take some time for myself, if that means Farming this child out for a day or whatever, you

Pjae:

know, or Lord, when school gets around to school or whatever those things may be. But you know, I, I have several friends who have children who, who have children that have issues. That, that, that's not, you know, when you have a baby, that's not, you don't plan on that. You plan on having a very healthy child and then you end up having a child that has is on the spectrum or that has some whatever physical issues actually have a disease. We have a, we have some people that we know now that have children and grandchildren that did not, were not born here, but now have a debilitating disease and the whole family is involved. So, so part of that is what is. What is yours to do? Well, we'll talk about that. What's yours to do as a loving member of the family, giving the rest of the family, the parents relief on that if I'm a grandparent? And then where is it that I can just say, no I'm not going to do that because I've made some plans for myself to do some different things. And so we're going to have to work on how that's going to work. Where am I going to come in? Where am I not going to come in and find yourself okay with that? So how do we, how do we do that? How do we become okay with that and not feel like a martyr? Okay. I don't, I don't think being, martyrdom is not the way you want to go.

Jim:

And on a, on a, at least, apparently simpler issue, even things like, like, I work in, in graphic design, and I can, I can be working on something and I get a, I hit a point where, okay, this, this is just. Diminishing

Pjae:

returns.

Jim:

Yes. And, and my eyes are blurry and whatnot. You know, I have to give myself the right to say, Right, we're not doing that for a while. We're taking a break.

Pjae:

Exactly, but you hear what you just said? It had to get to a place where your eyes are blurry, and you know that the product you're creating isn't the product you're going to want to create because of where you are. So it's an obvious place where you have to take a break. But what I'm talking about, that as well, is that But we don't always have to just get to a place where we just absolutely can't do another step. And I don't

Jim:

always. I mean in part what I was, that's what I actually meant was to realize that that's going to happen pretty soon and say, all right,

Pjae:

we're done for the night, we're done for the afternoon, whatever it is.

Jim:

Yes.

Pjae:

And sometimes I'll get up in the morning and, you know, you go to bed, you wake up in the morning, you got plans. You know, I'm going to get this done, get this done, get this done. And give myself permission to go, you know what? That I have zero energy for that today, and there's always tomorrow, and if there's not tomorrow, well there you go. Ha! Wasn't worth wasting my time with it anyway, there's not going to be tomorrow, so, you know, just thinking about that, just what is the importance of your health, you feeling good about the day, you getting commitments done, because I think, you know, our commitments are important to us, I think that's about who we say we are, showing up as who we say we are, and not over committing, that's another part of it, you know, is not over committing.

Jim:

Right.

Pjae:

So that you can show up for yourself and others.

Jim:

Sure. Yeah. And I know certainly that. Can be for almost anyone, but, but for a lot of people, just kind of, it's a, it's a very basic problem for them that they, they do want to do that. Absolutely,

Pjae:

they want to help you.

Jim:

Yes.

Pjae:

I can do this. They

Jim:

want to help everyone.

Pjae:

Exactly.

Jim:

And, yeah.

Pjae:

Yeah. And one of the, one of the problems that I have with commitment or over committing, is that. You asked me to do something like, say, hey, can you can you put together this logo for me? That's easy for me to do. I have WordPress, I mean, I know how to use I love Photoshop, and just all kinds of stuff. Alright. But I don't think about all the time it takes prior to actually putting the logo together. So there's all this shopping for pictures and talking about what it is that you're trying to do. So there's a whole bunch of things that surround the commitment. That a lot of times we forget to take a look at. So part of it is just kind of slowing down and saying, I'd like to do that. Let me think about what that means before you actually commit. So you can actually say that. Can you, I mean, can you believe that? You can actually say, hang on. Let me think about that for a second, and what exactly I'm saying yes

Jim:

to. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Because frequently what seems simple, then if you think it through, you go, oh wait. Oh, oh wait,

Pjae:

hang on. This is quite a bit more commitment, or it lasts longer. I I was doing, I did a favor for some people years ago, because it was very easy some time ago, not, it's a lot less now, but it used to be very easy just to put a website together. Okay, so I got, you know, hosting thing, put some websites together. Well, okay. So now I've had that with them for over ten years. And anytime something happens with their website, they're like, What's going on with my website? You know what's going on? It's time for you to find a new host. That's what's going on. That's what's going on. Because I didn't see that. I didn't see that I would still be, 10 years later, having to help them with that. I never, you'd think I would, and maybe if I was a real web person, I would have known that. But I was just a friend helping out another friend. That's all I was doing for that moment.

Jim:

Right.

Pjae:

There you go.

Jim:

You didn't know about that part of the contract.

Pjae:

Oh my goodness. So, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jim:

And of course, Keeping commitments is, is an important thing. I mean, you know, it just, there is, there is that balance there. There just is.

Pjae:

Because I, I, you know, we, we've talked about this before, and it's important to me. I honestly don't know why, but it is a value for me. I think it's actually about, it's about, I know everything comes back to around to being about you. But it's important to me, excuse me, that I am a woman of my word. That if I say I'm going to do something, I'm going to do something. It's about you, so that you can trust me, but it's also about me. So that I can trust myself. That when I say something, I'm going to do something. So that when I tell myself I'm going to do something, I'm going to make a goal, I believe it, because I do it for myself and others. So, for me, that's, that's part of the commitment, and part of telling myself the truth. And trusting my word. That's why it's important for me to keep the commitments because it's like keeping your word. What I've discovered now is that I can actually go back and look at a commitment and say this is the commitment that I had gotten involved in, this is where it's gone, and we need to rediscuss or talk about what I can and can't do at this point. And so you can look at it again. And, and so I've always thought that, well, once you say you're gonna do something, you're stuck with it. Not necessarily. Not necessarily. And so we can take a look at, well this is the commitment I originally did and this is where it's gone to. Right. And I can no longer, I can't keep letting it raise up and become more so we can re we can reassess it, right? We can reassess it, yes. Mm-hmm Yeah, for sure. I didn't know about that.

Jim:

And. How, how do you know when, when the self care side really takes over and you just have to say no, I'm, I'm, I know I said I would do that, but I

Pjae:

can't. Yeah, and really wanted to, exactly. So we were, we were talking earlier, you know, I'd, I'd gone to a conference about last week, and it was a lovely conference, I wanted to go to it, and whenever I go to something, a conference or convention, I have, I set intentions. So this is what I'm going to it for, this is what I want to get out of it. And so I don't want to leave until those things have happened. And I don't make a lot, just one or two, three. And so, I was at the conference, it was it was, and it was, I didn't realize I could have looked at the schedule. You know, I could have done some pre planning, but I didn't. I'm just thinking it's going to be, you know, it's going to be, you know, go in at 9 and be out at 5. No, no. It was early in the morning, 8 o'clock in the morning. It started, and it wasn't over until 9 o'clock, the last session. It was a long, and we only had like an hour and a half for lunch break. And then we had a dinner break, but still it was a long, long day. And, and got a lot of information. But on the end of the second day, it was three days, at the end of the second day, Yeah. Actually, I was in, yeah, it was the second day and I just was super tired. I had just gotten over an illness and my neck was bothering me so badly and I just could not find a good seat. I mean, I couldn't sit. I was just uncomfortable. And I just finally said, okay, have you gotten all of your, all the things that you said you wanted to get? Have you gotten that? Yes, I have. Okay. So what else are you going to get? So, so then I had to look at the balance between. The pain that I was in, and the money that I paid to be there, so I didn't want to give up another day. But I actually had gotten what I went to go get. Plus, I had met some people and I had, I was developing a relationship. I didn't want to leave them either. But I was just in a lot of pain. So I just said, okay, so you have to look at it. What's the balance? What are you getting by keeping the commitment and what happens? What are you what are you losing if you keep the commitment right and I was just super tired and all I was gonna do Was sit there and be in a lot of pain. I wasn't gonna get anything else out of it Right, so I decided to go now I'd like it to be that it doesn't have to get to that place where you you can look at a commitment and say Is it finished? Long before you're in such a place where there's no other choice but to leave. That's where I was, and I really would like it to think about, how do we look at our commitments in a different way, sooner, so we don't have to get to a do or die situation before we think, is it completed, or have I kept my word? What else can I do? These are things we can ask ourselves. We don't have to stick with something that's no longer working.

Jim:

And, I mean, it seems to me that maybe one way of avoiding getting to the do or die situation is that it seems like it's possible. It's like we're talking in sort of broad things. We are. Okay, I can't do that anymore. I'm going to stop. It seems like you can also take micro things of self care. You can say, right, I'm having a nap. Taking a nap. Or I'm reading a chapter in this book. Correct.

Pjae:

Taking a mental break.

Jim:

Whatever. Correct. And that also counts as self care, I would think. think you're

Pjae:

exactly correct. You can say stuff like, you know what? I don't need to work on it today, because particularly if you've got a longer term commitment, does it need to be worked on today? Because maybe you begin and say, I want to work on it every day. Well, start working today, and I'm just going to let that go. Exactly, Jim. You're exactly right. So the idea is to just look at what the commitment is, what it's going to take, is the, is the goal to get it done at a particular time, is the goal to get it done over a, what is the goal? And can you keep that goal, and do we need to change the goal?

Jim:

Right.

Pjae:

So, so many options. But we just, we tend to just say, well, I've committed, and I've got to do it. And, is that true?

Jim:

And, and sometimes, what? But, at least in my case, sometimes what I think I have to do at a certain time is based on what I think other people's expectations are. That

Pjae:

part as well.

Jim:

Okay, they're expecting to see this by this day. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. Maybe they aren't. I don't know that.

Pjae:

And even if they are, maybe they're willing to let it slide. Maybe it's not that important, that was just a date they threw out. Maybe it's flexible.

Jim:

Right. Right. You can find smaller things in there that will maybe Keep the, the big break from happening, you know? And

Pjae:

I'm just going, I'm not doing anything! I'm done! You don't want to get to that point.

Jim:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pjae:

Exactly. And I think that's kind of true, you know, just about life in general. You know, we're talking about commitments and self care, but just all kinds of life issues. We tend to say, well, this is how it is, and this is how I have to continue to move forward with it. Is it? Is it? So I think part of what we're talking about here with, you know, Decide on Joy, is that we have different decisions we can make. We can rethink, re look at something, and make a different choice.

Jim:

Right.

Pjae:

Pretty much at any time, without dire consequences. And if we can't, then we can't. But normally, you probably can't. There's probably a, a balance thing that can happen that you haven't looked at. That's all.

Jim:

Yeah.

Pjae:

And I think once we start asking those questions, once we, and this is part of the universal, the universe ideas that come from the universe and things like that. If we make a suggestion and go, what else can I do? That's a great question. What else could, what, what else could happen here? What other step can I take? Just put that out in the universe and see what comes. We can do that too.

Jim:

Right.

Pjae:

For sure.

Jim:

Okay. Yeah. A good place to stop for this episode. I think. Thank you all for being here and we will see you next time.

Pjae:

Indeed.