Possibility of Change

Transcript

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Hello, and welcome to this episode of Decide on Joy podcast coming to you from Harmony Spiritual Center in Fort Worth, Texas. My name is Jim Koval, and my name is Reverend Dr. PJ Stanley. Thank you so much for coming and welcome. Today's episode is titled The Possibilities of Change. Mm. Or Not. Um, and it's, it's coming off of, because I don't, not, not this last week, but. Sometime fairly recently in in PJ's Sunday message, she said, I think this is a quote that you can't change anything, but you can change your perspective on it. Right. And I was curious about that. Yeah.'cause it seems to me that you can change things. So yeah, I would just be interested to hear more about. What the intent there was. Yeah. Yeah. And so, yeah, so if I said you can't change things because you, you can change. Well, so lemme just, I don't know, lemme just say what my point was, is that you can't change anything outside yourself. If something is, if something has happened. It's happened, and one of the things that we do is we, we are constantly thinking about something that's already occurred and talking about it and saying, oh yeah, you know, this is so terrible. This is that thing. This is the other thing. And we give it, we, we tell stories about it, and this is one of the things we talk about. Storytelling. Um, there's the experience and there's the story that we tell around all things that happen in our lives and not necessarily even in our lives, but just, just happen out in the world. Um, and we just start talking about those kinds of things, but there is no, it's happened. So my point is that you can't change the past. Ah, yes. Exactly. Okay, now that makes more sense. Yeah. That I would agree with. Yeah. Yeah.'cause Okay, well there went the whole podcast because I, no, now I don't have questions. Well, we can, we can, but we can talk about it because, because it's a problem. Because even though we know this intellectually, you know, that's the case, you can't change the past. But we are, many of us are steeped in the past and how we live our lives based on what happened before. Yeah. This is, you know, we're looking at relationships and we're looking at, and we're thinking that, and certainly, and I, I'll just use myself as an, as a, as an example, um. That I'm in a relationship. I'm not in one now, but when I was in a long-term relationship, I kept thinking I wanted something to change in what my husband was doing. And I thought if I changed what I was doing, his response would change. Mm-hmm. And the, and, and that what he'd done in the past would be I could, I could ameliorate it, I could change it. I could help it be better by just, okay, well he didn't like that, so I'm gonna change this. And that's. That's not the case, because I don't even know why that happened. I don't know what was in his mind. I don't know what was in his, um, past. I don't know what was in his thinking. I don't know what was in, he's in his desire to do what he wanted to have happen. So there's no way for me to cha, and I'm saying him like outside of myself, but even within me, there's no way to change what I thought in the past other than to say I'm no longer going to think it. I, I've noticed it. This is not working for me, and I'm going to change how I approach this without, without thinking that it's going to change what someone else is doing or that it's going to change what actually did happen in the past. It's not, but what I'm trying to do and what I'm talking about is that we don't care for what happened. How do we stop that from happening and change the future for ourselves? Yes. Okay. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Although, yes, I think you, you can. I mean, as far as what's happened in the past, you can, um, edit the story. Yeah. It doesn't, you can, you know, yeah. You can look at it and say, okay, that is how I've chosen to remember that at this point. Right. But maybe Right. That's not what it actually was. Exactly. Exactly. That's, and that is the, that is the thing that you have control of, which I love that. That's, to me, that's. How else are you going to be happy in life if you don't know what you actually have control over, what you can, um, reasonably say you want to have happen and then have an effect on that happening. What can we actually do? And that's really what this podcast we say, decide on joy because it's about what we have control over in our lives, not in other people's, but in our lives. And part of that control is how we think about something that's happened to us. Yes. It's not gonna change what's happened. It has happened that I broke my leg. I have whatever it is, it's happened. Um, yeah, maybe, I mean, it's, it's also also possible that you could go through a large part of your life thinking, uh, my sister hated me. Yes, yes. When that wasn't the case at all. At all. Um, and. Uh, if you discover that or if you decide to look at that more closely and correct and edit that correct story correct, then you kind of have changed it. Yes. Oh, okay. You certainly have changed your feeling about it. Yes. You, and, and then, and then how you look at it, and so it doesn't disturb you as much, you know, consider you can change those, those disturbances, those things that you think, um, oh my gosh, my life was terrible, or this was bad, or whatever it was. And going back and rethinking, um, what, what, what was happening. And sometimes, sometimes, not always, sometimes you can dis you can talk to people, particularly in your family if they're open to it, um, and ask them about, this is what I thought was going on. Do you remember this? Mm-hmm. Do you have a thought about that? I, I remember having this conversation, uh, with my father about something that that happened and how I interpreted it and. He was open to talking about it, but he and I, and I, I really don't think he was kidding. I don't think he was joking. I don't think he was trying to get away with anything. I don't believe he remembered it. Mm-hmm. So it was so, it was much more traumatic. Whatever happened for me in my memory and. That was a wake up call. Part of, part of what has me, thinking of the way that I think about, about, um, changing your thinking about something because I'm suffering in my own mind about something. This person doesn't even recall having happened. Yeah. So it's a one sided issue. I'm just kicking myself with one leg. What is happening right now. Right. You know what I mean? There's an image. Is it, isn't it? Uh, yeah. Yes. I, yeah. You know, so, yeah. And I have known more than one person. People I, I was friends with and quite liked and everything, who actually made up parts of the past. Okay. I, I don't think they knew. They knew they were making it up. Yes, correct. But there would be cases where I just say, Hmm, I think I was there. And that's, I don't recall that happening. That's, mm. That sort of thing. Yes. Uh, so, you know, yes. Yes. And, um, and I've, I've shared this story, you know, here, um, at Harmony, uh, um, many times because it was such a, a wake up call for me. Um, I'm just telling a story and including the whole family in this story. Uh, and I told it over and over again until finally my sister said, stop telling that story that it only happened for you. That is not how the rest of us felt about it. I. What are you kidding? You know, so I was just telling this wonderful story about how we all loved this particular thing, and my sister said, no, we didn't love it. You loved it. The rest of it hated it. What exactly? Yeah. So, you know, you just, you're telling stories and you're, and you're, and you're including people in the story that may or may not remember the story, may or not have even been a part of the story, or that's not their story that they're telling. So all we can do. Is examine our own thinking and say, I'm going to, that's not, that's not helping me. That's not helping my moving forward. It's not helping you at all. I can change how I view it or just decide to stop telling myself the story. Just let it go. You can just let it go. Stop telling it, not helping you. Yeah. Yeah. Not having, yeah. And so that's a lot of power. Mm-hmm. And, and certainly you can even very consciously, and. Yeah. And sometimes with considerable effort, you can change what happens in the future. You can not just for you, I mean, on a larger scale even. Yeah, I, I know we tend to think, oh, I can't do anything about large issue X, but certainly people have, yes. I mean, people have, you look at Gandhi or the king or or, or the suffragette. Exactly. Not always single handedly, but Right. But. And over time. Yeah, over still, but still starting a movement. Exactly. Yeah. But they did it. Yes. You know? Right on, on a very large scale. So Yeah. Um, it is, it is possible. It is possible. And, and I, and I, and I think very much like. You're talking about the people that made these large scale changes, um, large scale because many other people felt it. But even for you, when you are making a change in your life and a change in, you're thinking it's a large scale shift for you individually. Mm-hmm. It, it feels big. Um, but the, the thing, and I'll come back to my story with my, my father, um, I just, I came to this conclusion that I was suffering. I was allowing myself to suffer thinking that we were, we were both in this story and we were not. Mm-hmm. And so I thought, so I'm the only one suffering for someone who doesn't remember the story, why don't you just put it down, girlfriend, stop telling the story so I could change that about me. Mm-hmm. My need to tell the story. And, and it, and it, and it's not necessarily easy to let go. So we're just, I I, and I wanted to come back to that because I'm saying just let it go. Like you could just turn the switch off. Yeah. No, no, no. That's, I'm don't, don't hear that. That's not what I'm saying. Which I think is one of the reasons why we don't address it. Because it's not necessarily something that you could just say, okay, well you know what? I'm tired of that one. I'm just gonna let that go. No, not really, but we weigh the consequences. That's what, that's what, that's what I do. That's what I recommend. Just weigh the consequences. What's the benefit? What's the benefit of telling that story and what's the consequence of telling the story? So in, in dealing with something like that, what do you actually do? I mean, when it pops into your head again. Yeah. Uh, yeah. Yeah, because I can tell. Well, so when it pops into my, I'm gonna, I'm just keep coming back to the story with my dad. It comes, it pops in my head, but there's nothing on it. There's no emotion on it. Mm. So that's what ends up happening. You just release the burn. You're releasing the burn so I can talk about it. I can, I can even laugh sometimes and go, what? Hey, not about the story.'cause the story did happen, but I can just laugh and say to myself just like, girl, you're carrying stuff that you don't need to carry. Well, for what? Just let it go. Just let. And so, so that's the power that we have, it feels like. And so when we first started talking about him, we're saying, you can't change. You can't change the past. You, you can't, I can't change what. Occurred, but I can change my thinking on it. My, the burn that I have when I think about it, and so that I, because a memory is a memory, you, you, you don't necessarily forget that something happened. But what you're doing is changing the emotion around what happened and how when you bring it up for yourself, how, how are you feeling about it? So it's not, it's not breaking your heart. Um, you know, and you're not necessarily laughing about it, but if you could just get too benign. About it. That's a help. Just get to benign, it's a help. Mm-hmm. So it's a help in your life. And we have too many things that we could be doing and, and hanging on to something that isn't, um, is that, that causes you pain, is another thought or another part of your mind that's stopping you from moving forward. Yeah. And to me it's all about evolution. Personal evolution. Yeah. Yeah. That, that's why we talk about it. I, I, I, we don't need to go far down this rabbit hole, but I was just thinking all of this is making it sound like all memories must be painful. And that's, that's no, not, not the case. Not what we're saying. Not at all. Not at all. No. And, and the ones that aren't, you have no need to edit. So, or maybe you do, but, but, um, but yeah. Yeah, exactly. And so, yeah, I do have and and you do too. Well, you're, you've been in theater, you've got, you've got stories, funny stories. You tell funny, great memories of people doing wonderful things and beyond the theater, just, well, honestly, how do you go beyond theater?'cause the whole life to me is like a theater. Thing's like a whole play going on. But, but you can, there's, there's beautiful memories of. Wonderful things that have happened and friendships you've made. And, um, some, some stories are, are, are, are sad, not hurtful, just sad because, you know, you've had to let something go. Um, because it was done. It was done. And there's a, there's a, there's a sadness in the ending. Yeah. Um, but new things can't begin until you end. Something happens. Happens all the time. All the time's. That business. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Exactly. Exactly. People come and go, come and go all the time. Well, and. And shows end. Yes. And yes, it shows end. Yeah, exactly. Even long running ones, they end at some point. Yes. Although it doesn't look like the Lion King's gonna end, but whatever. Well, that, that particular production right. Did right. Well, yeah. I mean, yeah. That you get into a gray territory. You do. Yeah, you do. I dunno. Um, but yes. Yeah. Um, yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. Um, yeah. So the, so the, the point that we're making. It is back to what the what the what the podcast is about deciding on joy and just, just taking not responsibility because you are responsible. It is your life, but making decisions about your life instead of just kind of having your life on autopilot, which sometimes, sometimes I'm just, I, I'm tired of the work. It's a lot of work. Mm-hmm. So sometimes I do go on autopilot. It's okay. Yeah. That's not the, I'm not saying you can't. You do. We do. And then sometimes I think, all right. I'm, I'm done with that. I've rested enough. I'm ready to move forward with something. Right. Right. Um, and so just kind of letting go of the stories that are no longer serving and there's a, there's a whole bunch and it's not just necessarily a negative story, it's just a story that may have been true at one point in your life and no longer is Right. No longer is a, um, a truth that you thought certainly. Um, and I'm not gonna even get into it, just certainly. I thought there's a, there's things that I have, and you may have too, about things that are. Or general that men do or don't do. I have things that women do or don't do, and I have to question that. Why? Why, why, why is that the case? Who who told you that? Yeah. And why are you still holding that? I've always had to question that. Yes. Yeah, exactly. The question is like, well, who, who, who, who baptized me in that one? No, thank you. No, I'm letting that go. That's not mine. Yes. Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah. A good place to stop I think so for this episode, and we'll see you next time. Thanks for being with us. Yeah.