Divorce Rich with Jacki Roessler, CDFA

The Financial Cost of Staying in a Bad Marriage

• Jacqueline Roessler, CDFA • Season 2 • Episode 5

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What if the most expensive choice isn’t divorce—it’s staying put? We pull back the curtain on the true financial toll of an unhappy marriage, from hidden debts you never signed off on to the slow bleed of funding a lifestyle that later becomes the benchmark for spousal support. Through real client stories, we trace how shared liabilities, unapproved loans, and retirement withdrawals can quietly rewrite your balance sheet while you’re trying to keep the peace.

We talk through practical safeguards—prenups or postnups, shared logins, regular financial check-ins—and offer a structured worksheet to calculate your monthly cost of staying versus leaving. The aim isn’t to push you out the door; it’s to arm you with numbers so your next step—whether to work on the marriage or plan an exit—rests on clarity, not guesswork.

Ready to see your situation in black and white? Stream the episode, download the worksheet, and start your calculation. If this conversation helps, follow the show, leave a review, and share it with someone who needs a clear-eyed view of their options.

Visit us at https://www.roesslerdivorce.com/ to learn more about Jacki's practice and to find valuable resources for your case.

The Divorce Rich podcast is proudly sponsored by Center for Financial Planning: Striving to Improve Lives through Financial Planning Done Right! https://www.centerfinplan.com/

SPEAKER_02:

Welcome to the Divorce Rich Podcast. I'm your host, Jackie Ressler. I've been a certified divorce financial analyst for 28 years, helping clients and their attorneys navigate the often complex and confusing financial issues in divorce. If you're in the process of or considering divorce, now is the time for you to take a deep breath and give yourself permission to find clarity on the financial issues you're facing. Rich means many things to many people. I believe the best definition of being rich is someone who has access to many resources. Along with my guests on this podcast, I will be bringing you a wide variety of information so that you can make sound and informed financial decisions for your financial future. Hey, if you're recently divorced or still in the middle of it, you already know that life can feel like it's been turned upside down. And let's be honest, the financial part, it's overwhelming, confusing, and often the last thing you want to deal with. That's why I want to tell you about the independent wealth management team at Center for Financial Planning. Their team of certified financial planners specializes in helping people just like you navigate life changes with confidence, whether it's assessing your new financial circumstances, creating or updating your retirement plan, or helping you adjust to the new normal. They'll work with you to get a clear, customized plan to feel in control and move forward with confidence. So if you're interested in working with a financial planner who you can trust to have your best interests in mind and you're ready to take the next step, visit centerfinplan.com. That's centerfinplan.com and schedule a conversation. Center for Financial Planning, live your plan. Securities offered through Raymond James Financial Services, Incorporated, member FINRA SIPC, investment advisory services offered through Center for Financial Planning, Inc. Center for Financial Planning Inc. is not a registered broker dealer and is independent of Raymond James Financial Services. Hi everyone and welcome back to the Divorce Rich podcast. Do you think divorce is expensive? Well, let's talk today about what it's costing you to stay in a marriage that's financially and emotionally draining you day after day. From joint debt to lost opportunity cost in your career, I am breaking down the actual dollars and cents of staying in a marriage that's just not working. I'm going to give you some personal anecdotes from my recent caseload, um, as well as a story about my own situation. I've also put together a worksheet where you can actually look at the numbers. You know, I am all about the numbers. So in this worksheet, which is going to be linked in the show notes for this episode, you can actually go through and try to quantify the math of the cost of you staying in a marriage that is not working financially or in other areas to see what the actual numeric cost is to you of staying versus leaving. Let's look first at sharing the financial responsibilities and sharing the financial risk, even when you're in an unhappy marriage. I had so many examples that I could have brought for this that it was hard to choose. But the simplest one, I think, to understand is that anything that accumulates during the marriage, no matter whose name it's in, is generally seen as a marital asset or a marital debt. I have one client, um, the nicest lady, with young children. She was busy running the house. Her husband was a very successful professional, and she wasn't in, she wasn't included in any of the financial decisions. He told her, don't worry about it. They were unhappy due to other things, but she didn't even know that there was any financial mismanagement going on. Uh, come several months down the line, and she they end up in mediation, and she finds out that her husband had racked up about$200,000 in business loans. And she had no knowledge of any of this. Um, he also racked up credit card debt and used um some of their joint funds, took that out to buy a truck that she also was not aware of with the business, um, took out a big loan against that, and used their joint assets as collateral. Now, did she have any knowledge of any of these things happening? No. But did they occur during the marriage? Yes. And so she was responsible for half of all of that debt. She could make an argument, and we tried to make an argument that she shouldn't be responsible. But if it occurred during the marriage and it wasn't fraud and it wasn't something that was done for nefarious purposes, generally speaking, you can assume that that debt is going to be marital. And no one wants to be in that situation. There are also plenty of examples that I can give you of mismanaging investment accounts, retirement accounts, and one party doesn't have any ability to access that information. Your spouse could take a retirement account distribution, and even if you know about it because it's on the tax returns, if you don't consent and that money is spent, that's gone. So the longer those types of situations go on, the more potentially dangerous that is for you financially. What are some of the other pure financial risks of staying together in a bad marriage or a bad partnership? One example could be that the longer that a bad marriage goes on, the longer that you're continuing to fund a status quo. And I again cannot tell you how many times I have met with people over the years who touch space with me every so often. It could be once a year, twice a year, and they want to leave, but they're continuing to stay for other emotional reasons. And again, I am never a proponent of divorce. I am always an advocate for trying to work things out. But when you get to the point where I have had some couples who are living separately and one is not working and the other one is funding the lifestyle of the one who's not working. That's been something that I've heard, unfortunately, too many times. And the longer that type of a situation goes on, the longer you're substantiating a standard of living where you might end up being on the hook to pay for that person's continued lifestyle when the marriage is done, because length of marriage is one of the factors in determining spousal support or alimony in most states. So that is another important thing to think about. There is also a financial cost to the stress that it takes on your body and your mind to be living in an unhappy situation, whether that is the stress, uh the financial cost of going to therapy, the out-of-pocket cost for that. It could be for prescriptions that are helping you to maintain some of that presence of mind in a very stressful marriage. It can also be that one person has taken, has taken up non-prescription medication as a means to escape and marital funds are being spent on that. There are also things to consider in terms of lifestyle creep. Are you continuing to pay for someone's lifestyle expenses that is trying to avoid the stress of the marriage by going out and shopping or gambling or doing some of those other things? Again, while you are still in a marriage, everything that is everything that is earned during the marriage, whether it's debt, whether it is marital spending, marital income, everything is shared between you and your spouse. The next segment I want to cover is when one person takes a break in their career. Now, if you are in a good, strong marriage and one of you decides to take a break in your career to raise your family, and you know that you're in it for the long haul together. You are pulling in the same boat financially. That's, in my opinion, not problematic. Where it becomes really difficult is when you take a break in your career and to stay home and raise a family. And that could be the man or the woman, and you're missing out. There's a very big lost opportunity cost in those years that you have taken off from the workforce. And if the marriage ends up ending in divorce, you missed out on so many different financial benefits. So let's say I'm going to give you an example of a client, again, who shall remain nameless, that had a really strong career as a lawyer. Her husband wanted her to stay at home when they had children, and he said it would just be for a short period of time while the kids were young, and they agreed together that that was what they were going to do. So she took off, and a few years turned into 20 years. So not only did she missed out when she went finally went back to work after the divorce, she re-entered at an income range that was half of what she had left at. She also was not able to receive any equity shares in her firm because she missed out on that during those high earning years. Her retirement contributions, of course, were near zero. Now she was entitled to 50% of all of the retirement contributions and earnings that her husband made to his plan that accumulated during the marriage. But in terms of her own assets available to her, she lost out on that. She also lost out on pension years that were not earned, social security earnings that were given up. So as a divorced spouse, you're entitled to 100% of your benefit based on your earnings record, or 50% of your potential benefit based 50% of your spouse's earning record, whichever is greater, as long as you've been married for more than 10 years. So my client, the former lawyer and current lawyer re-entering the workforce, her social security, she hadn't been paying in all of those 20 years. So her benefit based on her income is dramatically reduced. And yet, if she were to collect 50% of her husband's benefit instead of 100% of her own, it's it wasn't even be, that would not even be enough. So let's say she was gonna get, you know,$4,000 a month based on her own earnings. And based on her husband's earnings, she would get half of his, let's say$2,000. Now with that reduced earnings record, she's only going to collect, let's say$1,100 or$1,200. So even that's a lot of missed out future earnings from staying in that bad marriage. Other things that we don't really think about that we lose out on are the ability to have a job that covers your career benefits, such as health insurance. We don't realize that until you've been out of the workforce for a long time and you're going to get back in, you might not be provided with a job that gives you as good of health insurance as your spouse had if you were dependent on them. And now that's going to be all on you. I mean, you've missed out on that ability to be in that higher earning job. Missing out on just five years of retirement contributions in the retirement max, let's say that the max is$22,500 a year for maxed contributions. That would be over five-year period,$112,000 plus the employer match plus compound interest over 20 years. So that's over$300,000 lost at retirement. And again, I am not trying to criticize anyone who decides that they want to be a stay-at-home parent and prioritize their family. I'm just pointing out that there is a financial cost to that. And if you're in a marriage that is emotionally draining, you also maybe want to take into consideration what is this financial cost to me of staying? Let's talk about a third potential issue that I've run across in many cases when clients are staying in a bad marriage. Let's say that you're in a marriage where you don't have any access to the finances and you don't even know that you're financially trapped. So we're talking about a situation of financial abuse and control. I've had many clients come to me throughout the years where they've said they've had no access to any of the bank accounts. Their spouse handles all the finances. They don't meet with the financial advisors. They have no idea how much money they have, what their mortgage payment is, or any of the financial details, including what it costs to maintain their current lifestyle. That is really scary when that happens. Let me give you a really quick story of when that happened to one of my clients. Again, this happens, it's a story that I hear unfortunately all the time. Let's talk about the ghost account. So one client of mine, their spouse was secretly withdrawing$1,500 a month for over two years, stashing it into a crypto wallet. She found out again during middle during mediation. The total amount that was missing was$40,000. Staying uninformed is staying vulnerable. You really want to be a financial partner in all of your decision making when it comes to finances in your marriage. They have a whole episode on financial infidelity, and I'm going to link that episode in the show notes, but that really dives deeper into why it's so important that you be a participant in your financial decisions. When it comes down to staying in a marriage longer that's not working in other areas, this can be a symptom of that, this financial insecurity, not knowing where you are, not knowing what you have. The longer that you stay, the worse that comes. And that spider web is almost wrapped around you the longer that you stay in a situation like this. Let's talk about a short-term marriage when you are the breadwinner. And this, unfortunately, I can speak from personal experience here. Staying in a short-term marriage when you're the one earning the income is a financially loaded decision. There's a misconception that if it's only been a couple years, it won't matter. Well, let me tell you that I know it can still cost you significantly, especially in certain states with spousal support or equitable distribution laws. So let me give you an example. Let's say you get married and you bring assets into the marriage. You don't have a prenup and you don't commingle your assets, but your spouse moves into your home. Your home has a mortgage on it. Any amount that's paid down on the mortgage principal during the marriage could be considered marital property and up for a division between you and your short-term spouse. So that is certainly something to consider if your spouse is not working or is underemployed and not working what they were, what they, the rate they were at initially, or you're just starting to notice that you're covering all the costs. Another thing to keep in mind is that any of those assets that you brought into the marriage that appreciated in value, even during two and a half years, there are times that in the stock market where two and a half years, you your account could be up 30%. That increase that occurs during the marriage in separate property could be, again, another marital asset up for equitable distribution between you and your short-term spouse. So your short-term spouse could be coming out of the marriage in a better situation than they came into it with because of you. Also, if you have joint credit cards and that person is making payments late or spending on the items that you're not aware of or you don't agree with, you're still responsible for half, and it could still impact your credit report. So it can cost you significantly if you are funding your spouse's lifestyle. Not only are you investing emotionally and financially, but they're not built adding anything to that. Um, they may leave again with more than they came in because of you delaying your own next chapter. There's a big opportunity cost of staying loyal to someone who's not investing equally. And even in a longer-term marriage where, you know, something more than two or three years, there's that sense of what is the the longer that you stay in it, what kind of lifestyle are you substantiating for the non-earning or the low-earning spouse that's gonna have to be continued to a certain extent once the divorce is final. Have another important story that I want to share along the same line. I had a a client many years ago. She was a wonderful lady, and she and her partner had been together for about 10 years. Um, so relatively short period of time that they were married compared to what could be a much longer-term marriage. During the marriage, her partner decided that they no longer wanted to work and decided to stop working and ended up again, you know, she was covering all of the living expenses for travel, for insurance, for um, you know, housing, food, utilities, everything was being covered by my client. And she was also building up assets in her retirement account. And when she came to me, she was distraught at the idea that she was going to have to split that retirement account, the assets that had built up during the marriage, because her partner had contributed nothing. Um, but the way that the law would look at that, she'd been to see a lawyer here in Michigan. And the way that the law would look at that is that, well, anything that accumulates during the marriage, no matter whose name it's in, is a marital asset. This could also be another plug for a prenup and talking about, you know, setting the record straight before you get married on what the exit plan is, which is difficult. A lot of people don't want to do that, but it also does set you up for financial transparency during the marriage, which is always a good thing. Okay, well, to wrap it up, if you're stuck in a marriage that's not working emotionally or financially, staying might feel easier, but it is not cheaper. Do the math for yourself. If it's costing you your peace of mind, your wealth, your health, and your future, can you afford to stay? And if you've been the breadwinner in a short-term marriage like I was, I would love to hear your story. Email me at divorce rich pod at gmail.com. So in the show notes, I'm going to link for you a worksheet that's titled, Is staying costing you more than leaving? It's a divorce rich worksheet to calculate the true financial toll of the monthly cost of staying. So it categorizes for you shared living expenses, um the total cost of staying for in terms of the opportunity cost lost with work and promotions, total opportunity cost, and if you were the breadwinner, what that cost is. And I guess I'm not advocating divorce. I never advocate divorce, but I am advocating for people to be in a position that they are in financial control of their life. If you think you can afford to stay another six months, another three or four years, you should know what you're paying financially and emotionally to stay comfortable. Ask yourself if this were a business investment, would you keep investing?

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, it's time for our mailbag segment where my son Kevin will host and picks out some special questions from our mailbag to share with listeners.

SPEAKER_02:

Hi, Kevin. Welcome back to the mailbag segment.

SPEAKER_00:

Hey, great to be here. All right. So this one comes to us from Angela in Tim, Florida. Uh she's Angelus asks that Angela says that she's having second thoughts about her settlement and wants to know if there's any way to get changed.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Okay. So it depends, is my answer. And of course, I'm not a lawyer, can't give legal advice, but um, it's this is certainly a question that anyone who's wondering if they can change their settlement, they really do need to talk to their attorney. But um parts of the settlement might be uh changeable or modifiable, and parts of it may not be. In general, any child support provisions are usually modifiable. Every state has their own child support guidelines. But one of the standards is that child support is modifiable based on a financial change, a significant financial change in either party's circumstances, because the court is always looking out for the best interest of the children. So if one person loses their job, for example, they always have the ability to go back in and ask for a reduction or a change in child support. So child support is always modifiable. When it comes to alimony or spousal support, they call it different things in different states. In Michigan, we call it spousal support. In other states, they call it alimony, in other states, they call it maintenance. It's all the same thing. Um, in Michigan, alimony can be either modifiable or non-modifiable, meaning that it's either locked in and it can't be changed no matter what happens, or it's modifiable and subject to change based on further order of the court. Um, in Michigan, again, if if only if the clients agree that it's going to be a set dollar amount for a set duration and it's not going to be modified no matter what, that's the only way to make that not changeable. So, in other words, if the clients, if cases go to trial, a judge can't order in Michigan for it to be non-modifiable alimony or spousal support. So the spousal support may or may not be adjustable. And again, that's going to be take out your judgment of divorce, look at the wording in there, and of course, call up your attorney. Now, the third area of money in a divorce is property division. And in general, you usually cannot change the property piece of your supplement. So that's one of the things that we really make very clear to clients is that you need to make sure before you sign the agreement that this is actually what you want, because you really can't change it once it's final. Um, there are some situations, I believe, again, I'm not a lawyer, but situations I believe where you could say that there was a mutual mistake, say something was overlooked, that that could maybe be adjusted or um readdressed in the um in your judgment of divorce. But unless the other side agrees, you're really stuck with what you got written in the settlement agreement. So um, you know, sometimes the wording can be fleshed out a little bit differently. Again, I highly recommend that she go and talk to an attorney and not take my word for it. But generally speaking, property, once it's done, is done.

SPEAKER_00:

All right. Thank you, Angela. Uh, and if any of you have any more questions uh to ask us in the mailbag segment, uh you can always reach out at divorce richpod at gmail.com. We love answering these questions. Uh, so send them in.

SPEAKER_01:

Thanks, Kevin. See you next time.

SPEAKER_00:

See you next time.

SPEAKER_02:

Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to listen to Divorce Rich Podcast. If you like this podcast, please follow us on Apple or anywhere that you download podcasts and share this link with any friends or family that you think might benefit from this information.

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Jacki Roessler, CDFA

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