“I Just Want to Be Done"—and Why That’s the Most Dangerous Mindset in Divorce

Ever felt the surge of “I just want to be done” and almost signed away your future for a little quiet? We’ve been there with countless clients, and today we walk through how to turn that burnout into smarter, calmer decisions that protect your long-term peace. We talk strategy, not slogans: how to slow down without stalling, how to see numbers instead of noise, and how to finish wisely so you’re not paying for quick relief with decades of regret.

We also unpack the house dilemma—the powerful urge to keep it at any cost. We break down the real math: maintenance, taxes, insurance, repairs, and the emotional premium we pay for “stability.” You’ll learn to compare scenarios like keeping the home, downsizing later, or setting a cash reserve, and how those choices change net worth and breathing room over time. 

If you’re ready to trade panic for a plan—quantify tradeoffs, set pre-commitment rules, and keep your energy for the parts that truly matter—this conversation is for you. Subscribe, share with a friend who needs clarity, and leave a review to help more people find the guidance they deserve.

• Click HERE to schedule an initial complementary consult with Jacki, https://calendly.com/roessler-jacki/30min?month=2026-02
• To learn more about the difference between the marginal and effective tax rate, click HERE https://www.investopedia.com/ask/answers/082614/whats-difference-between-tax-rate-and-tax-bracket.asp

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Transcript

Welcome & Sponsor Message

SPEAKER_02 0:08

Welcome to the Divorce Rich Podcast. I'm your host, Jackie Ressler. I've been a certified divorce financial analyst for 28 years, helping clients and their attorneys navigate the often complex and confusing financial issues in divorce. If you're in the process of or considering divorce, now is the time for you to take a deep breath and give yourself permission to find clarity on the financial issues you're facing. Rich means many things to many people. I believe the best definition of being rich is someone who has access to many resources. Along with my guests on this podcast, I will be bringing you a wide variety of information so that you can make sound and informed financial decisions for your financial future. Hey, if you're recently divorced or still in the middle of it, you already know that life can feel like it's been turned upside down. And let's be honest, the financial part, it's overwhelming, confusing, and often the last thing you want to deal with. That's why I want to tell you about the independent wealth management team at Center for Financial Planning. Their team of certified financial planners specializes in helping people just like you navigate life changes with confidence. Whether it's assessing your new financial circumstances, creating or updating your retirement plan, or helping you adjust to the new normal. They'll work with you to get a clear, customized plan to feel in control and move forward with confidence. So if you're interested in working with a financial planner who you can trust to have your best interests in mind and you're ready to take the next step, visit centerfinplan.com. That's centerfinplan.com and schedule a conversation.

SPEAKER_00 2:06

Center for Financial Planning. Live your plan. Disclosure. Securities offered through Raymond James Financial Services, Inc., member FENBRET, SIPC. Investment Advisory Services offered through Center for Financial Planning, Inc. Center for Financial Planning Inc. is not a registered broker dealer and is independent of Raymond James Financial Services. Center for Financial Planning was a sponsor of the Divorce Rich Podcast. The Center for Financial Planning and Raymond James are not affiliated with or endorsed by the Divorce Rich Podcast.

Paula’s Burnout And Better Choices

Rules, Boundaries, And Efficient Strategy

SPEAKER_02 2:43

Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Divorce Rich Podcast. This is Jackie Wrestler, your host, and I have a solo episode today. I hear this sentence almost every single day. I just want to be done. And I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with wanting that. Wanting to be done is what happens when someone has been holding too much for too long. It's exhaustion, not irresponsibility. It's a nervous system saying, I can't carry this anymore. But here's what I've learned doing this work. When people say they want to be done, what they really usually mean is that they want peace. And in divorce, it's very easy to mistake short-term relief for long-term peace. Because the thing that you're desperate to end right now ends once. The financial decisions you make to end it last for decades. So today we're going to talk about what to do when that overwhelming feeling of I want to be done pops up and how you know when to listen to it and when to ignore it. So let me tell you about one of my favorite clients. Her name was Paula. It's not her real name. But Paula was smart. She was capable. She had done a lot of hard things in her life. And when she sat across from me, she didn't say, I want to win my divorce. She said, I'm just so tired of paying legal fees. I'll take less than what's fair. I just want this to be over. I need it to be over. That sentence was not about money. It was about burnout. Paula wasn't trying to be reckless, and she wasn't being emotional. She was staring at invoices, watching assets shrink, and feeling like every extra month of negotiations was stealing from her future financial stability anyway. So why not just stop the bleeding? Here's the problem with that logic. Legal fees are temporary, unpleasant, but temporary. But a bad settlement is permanent. When Paula talked about being done, what she really was saying is that the process has become unbearable. Not that the outcome no longer mattered to her. And this is where my role as a CDFA becomes critical, I think. Instead of letting Paula and exhaustion make the decisions, Paula and I slowed things down strategically, though, not emotionally. So we crunched the numbers. We got really specific about what she could and couldn't afford to do. We took a look at what less than fair actually means in numbers, not feelings. We modeled her cash flow five years, 10 years, 20 years out. We quantified what she might be giving up retirement, income, tax advantages, long-term security. So she's not negotiating blind. Because once Paula could see the future cost of being done, something shifted. And then we talk we take active, we took active steps, not to drag the divorce out, but to help her keep going with intention, though. So that might look like different things for different people. We can say we're gonna just narrow negotiations down to only the issues that materially affect her free your future. So identifying where compromise is survivable and where it's not, and making that clear distinction. We coordinated with her attorney so that legal time was spent efficiently, not emotionally. A lot of times clients tend to use their attorney or me, their certified divorce financial analyst, as their therapist. And what I try to tell clients is I hear you, and I wish that I could be the sounding board for all of these terrible things that you're telling me, but I am the wrong expert for that. That needs to go to your therapist. And we need to focus on spending your time and money on me dealing with the specifics of your case. So in Paula's situation, we set some decision rules in advance so that fatigue doesn't take over in the moment. So before we go into mediation, we talked about what were the things that were worth compromising on financially? What were the things that really didn't matter? But the things that did matter, in this case, it was having enough long-term spousal support. Those were the things that she knew that she really couldn't give in on. And those were the things that were really worth fighting about. Again, it's not about fighting harder, it's about making sure that when you're finally done, that you're done without regret. So, because the truth of the matter is, I want this is what I want people to hear. You don't have to choose between short-term relief and responsibility for yourself. You can want this to be over, and you can protect your long-term peace. You can do both. So Paula didn't need to stay in pain longer than necessary. But she did just needed the support to help her finish wisely instead of quickly. And that's what a good financial a good financial advisor does, especially a CDFA.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

That's what they're there for.

The House As False Stability

Modeling Tradeoffs And Costs

SPEAKER_02 8:58

Next, I want to tell you about another client of mine. Another favorite. I know I say that all of my clients are my favorite, but it's a rare client that I work with that I don't feel like I really empathize with them. This client had another version of I want to be done, which again is not uncommon. It's very, very common and understandable to feel like you want to be done when the divorce is just going on and on and on, and you feel all of this chaos, and there's nothing to grab onto. A lot of people, like my client that I'm going to tell you about, grab onto the house and as the thing, the one stable thing that they think they want to keep so badly to keep that chaos at bay. Again, completely reasonable and understandable. In those situations, when I have a client that says to me, I want to keep the house no matter what, I say, great. And we take, let's take a look at the numbers because I'm all about the numbers. So we're going to go through the client's budget and I'm going to add in things that they maybe forgot to add in, things that are going to cost money for them, whether that's taking care of the snow removal, lawn care, repairs, and maintenance. Maybe their spouse was doing all that before, and now they're going to be responsible for that. We make sure those kinds of things are added into their budget, their post-divorce budget. So we take a look at all of those things, and we I take that number and I run a financial projection that shows my client this is what you look like in five years, 10 years, and 20 years if you keep the house. And everything else stays the same. So the spousal support that we're talking about is the same. You don't return back to work. Um, the child support is what it is. These are your income sources. And then we look at what does your net worth look like? Are you increasing or decreasing your assets over time? A lot of times when I run that first projection, it shows me that the person cannot really afford to keep the house. If they don't have the cash flow coming in, the only option is then they're going to need to start dipping into their assets. And maybe that's okay, and maybe it's not okay. So then we'll take another look at the model and dive a little deeper. And we'll say, okay, what if you ended up selling the house in two years and downsizing? What does that look like? What if we set aside$50,000 from your assets into cash with the idea that you're going to take a regular paycheck from those assets that's going to be sent to you directly from the bank and you're going to treat that as dependable money that's going to supplement your expenses in the first two years? I think, again, my goal for my client is not to make decisions for them, but to help educate them about the decision. So when this particular client kept saying to me, I just want it to be done. I'm just going to keep the house. And there were a few conversations that we had had in the interim where she told me that she didn't want to keep the house and she was willing to let the house go. But the way this case finally settled is that my client did keep the house. And about a year after the divorce settlement was final, she reached out to me and told me that she was selling the house, that she realized that she really could not afford to keep it. And she was feeling pretty bad about that. And I wanted to remind her that the decision that she made at the time of the settlement was the very best decision that she could make with all of the mental energy that she had available at that time to make it. And it wasn't a blind decision. She looked at, we looked at the numbers together and we looked at how difficult it was going to be. But at that time, she needed to focus on the one thing that she felt was going to be a stable landing spot for her and her children when the divorce was final. Now, did it end up working out and did it make it better to keep the house? No. Um, should she have known that? I I don't think that that's necessarily clear all the time. And I think if you were in a position where you kept the house or you agreed to a settlement because you wanted to be done, it's not worth beating yourself up over. I think that all of us do the best that we can in the moment with the tools that we have around us. And that's why surrounding yourself with financial information when you're making a decision that affects your finances is so important. And it almost, I always tell clients, let's look at this a few different ways. Like let's try to be creative and think about, you know, um, maybe you want to go out looking for houses right now. Because if we do sell the house now, you and your spouse are going to split the closing cost and commission. Whereas if you get the house in the settlement and you end up selling it, now you're going to pay all the closing cost and commission. So it's really just a matter of putting a spotlight on the things that are important for you to make the decisions that are facing you. And that phrase that you hear in your head of, I just want to be done, hopefully you're working with an advisor, a financial advisor or a lawyer, or you have some friends in your life or support system that will say to you, Do you want, does you being dumb mean that you just want the temporary chaos to be done? Or does you want, does did does wanting to be done actually reflect that you don't care about the outcome anymore? And nine times out of 10, it's probably number one. And sometimes you've got to just take a deep breath and keep going and not settle for something that you know isn't going to work for you long term just because you're tired of the emotional toll. Now, when it comes to the financial cost, that is also worthwhile to look into. So if you're in a position where you feel like I want to be done and your spouse is not willing to settle, and it looks like you're spending more and more money on legal fees, at some point your financial advisor and you should sit down and analyze what is my best case scenario here and what is my worst case scenario. If I get my best case scenario, is it worth me losing this amount of money in legal fees? And put a number to it, put a number to what the hours are that are going to be spent in mediation and preparing for mediation or trial and figuring out what is the cost, is that am I ever going to recoup that cost with what I'm looking for? And if you're not going to recoup that cost, then maybe it's time to start realistically lowering your expectation about what you can get financially from the settlement. On the other hand, if it looks like you absolutely have to continue forward, whether that's with mediation or with trial, because the numbers don't make sense unless you do, then that's what you've got to do. And then I think once you make that decision, you've got to be willing to stick with it and go with that, even though you're feeling like I can't continue on anymore. You want to weigh out the financial and emotional cost, what you're willing to pay for that short-term piece. So I hope this was helpful to anyone listening. And I hope that it's not discouraging to hear that, you know, you should think twice about saying, I just want to be done. I hope everyone listening to this realizes that if they've said that before, they are not alone. Um, and it's totally normal part of the divorcing process to get to a point where you feel like, I just want to be done with this. And putting again, putting it into practical terms, slowing things down, quantifying the cost of going forward against the cost of giving up, knowing what you can compromise on and what you can't compromise on, these are all things that I really encourage you to sit down and think about.

SPEAKER_01 16:48

When you're facing divorce, you deserve an advocate who understands what you're going through and who's dedicated to protecting your future. At dawn, divorce attorneys for women. Our mission is simple: to help women move forward with clarity, confidence, and strong legal guidance. Whether you're just starting the process or feeling overwhelmed by what comes next, our team is here to support you every step of the way. Schedule a free consultation today and learn how we can help you take back control of your life. Visit women's rights.com slash free consultation video to get started.

Mailbag: Marginal vs Effective Tax Rates

Tax-Smart Asset Division

SPEAKER_02 17:33

Hi everyone, and welcome back to the mailbag segment of the Divorce Rich Podcast. This mailbag segment is sponsored by Dawn, Divorce Attorneys for Women based in Michigan, and all of their contact information will be in the show notes for this episode. So the first question that we have is an interesting one that's going to take up all of our mailbag time. So the mailbag question today is: Hi, Jackie. I'm currently in the middle of a divorce negotiation and trying to understand the tax implications of the proposed settlement. My attorney keeps mentioning my marginal tax bracket. I think I'm in the 32% bracket, but I've been reading that I should be more concerned with my effective tax rate. With the shift to filing single, I'm terrified of being hit with a massive tax bill next April. Which rate actually matters when I'm looking at taking a lump sum of taxable assets like a 401k buyout versus keeping equity in a house? And how should I use this knowledge to negotiate spousal support or property division so I don't lose 30% of my settlement to the IRS? Thank you for helping. Okay, I love this question. And this question has been really timely in my practice lately, too. This question has the difference between a marginal and effective tax rate and how to apply that information to your divorce case. So, number one, the marginal tax bracket is the highest tax bracket that your income, your earned income puts you into. So the United States has a blended tax system. So let's say for the first$15,000 of income, and I'm making this up, you're taxed at the lowest tax rate on that. The next dollar above that in earnings is taxed at the next rate, up until you fill up that bucket and get to the next marginal bracket or the next dollar that you earn. So if let's say you're making uh$80,000 and that bumps you into the 22% tax bracket, maybe only the last several thousand dollars that you earn is being taxed at 22%. So if we think about it that way, that we're really in a blended rate, the marginal tax bracket isn't really all that important to know. What's really important to know is what is your effective tax rate? And what that means is we take the total taxes that you owe at the end of the year, and we divide that by your total gross income. And that comes up with an effective rate on treating every dollar the same, not the first dollars that are taxed at, you know, 0%. And then in the next bucket or bracket, it's taxed at a different rate. But what does your total tax do on your income? And if you're gonna take money out of a 401k as a lump sum distribution, you have to be the non-employee spouse receiving that through a quadro. And you are able to avoid the 10% penalty that would normally apply if you're not 59 and a half years old with a quadro, but you're still going to pay ordinary income tax on that. So this is a very astute question that we got from our listener. And let's say I'm gonna take out$100,000 from my 401k and my earnings from work are 80. That's gonna put me in the marginal bracket of someone who earns$180,000 that year. So that's pretty different than if I was just earning$80,000. Now, the best way to figure out what your the tax, the true tax impact of the additional distribution is to reach out to your CPA and ask them to run a tax estimate for you with the just your earnings and then run a separate tax estimate for you with the earnings plus the distribution. And then you'll be able to know what additional tax is owed on that distribution. Now, if you're trading off equity in your house for retirement assets, that's not really an equal trade. So equity in the house, if you've got$100,000 in equity in your house, that's worth$100,000. If you have$100,000 in a 401k plan, that's worth$100,000 less the taxes owed at your effective tax rate on the district. So if you are taking that money from we want to compare apples to apples. So if you were taking$100,000 in your share of the equity from retirement accounts, that$100,000 would need to be grossed up by the estimated taxes that you would pay on that distribution. And that's where a CPA and a certified divorce financial analyst would be trained in helping you determine that amount. And that does need to be negotiated. So I love this question again about marginal and effective tax brackets. I'm going to post in the show notes a link to some IRS dialogue about this. If you have any questions, of course, please feel free to reach out to me. Want to thank you again for listening to this episode. And we would really appreciate it if you could like us or follow us on any anywhere that you're listening to this podcast or watching it. It just puts us up a little bit higher on the algorithms so that it can reach other people that need to hear this information. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to listen to Divorce Rich Podcast. If you like this podcast, please follow us on Apple or anywhere that you download podcasts and share this link with any friends or family that you think might benefit from this information.