Go Mama Pod

Listener Questions from the Hub: Car seats, toileting, and mama yelling.

• Rachael McKenney • Episode 2

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Ready to tackle parenting challenges—potty training and car seat cooperation? Let me guide you with a behavior chaining technique that promises to turn your bathroom challenges into an independent triumph, and your car seat struggles into giggles and joy. This episode is packed with visual aids, rewards systems, and a suitcase full of tips to ensure your little adventurer becomes the captain of their own potty journey. Plus, I’ll share some ideas for transforming car seat resistance into a game that will have your toddler completely willing to buckle up.

We also talk yelling. We all do it and most of us feel badly about it. We'll explore setting crystal-clear expectations, the power of timers, and the art of self-regulation to help us steer clear of shouting. Tune in as we chart a course toward positive communication and a legacy of love—because the only thing we want to raise in our homes are happy, healthy kids.

And remember, if you're in the western suburbs of Chicago, come find your people at our upcoming Go Mama meetup!

Website: GoMamaHub.com

Meet Up: Go Meet Up

Instagram @ go_mama_hub

Rachael:

Hi there, welcome to Go Mama Pod, a podcast for parents who are in the throes of the beautiful dumpster fire of parenting, trying and, most likely, failing to do it all. In each episode you can find evidence-based insights into mental health while parenting and actionable tips to manage the mayhem with livls. I'm your host, rachel McKenney, your therapist's best friend. I'm also living in the thick of the ups and downs of this parenting rollercoaster of emotional dysregulation. I'm a licensed clinical social worker with a wealth of experience supporting families and young children, navigating the unknowns and sometimes problematic behaviors of childhood. I firmly believe that a parent's or primary caregiver's mental health is inextricably linked to that of their children. You take better care of your child by taking care of yourself. Today's a special treat. We're answering questions from GoMamaHudcom. Okay, let's jump right in. First question that was submitted is about toileting challenges. I can't wait to dive in. Okay, so this mama says that her four and a half year old child completely rejects the toilet. She says that her daughter only wants to poop in a pull-up in her room. She noted that she and her husband are not pushing it, but they would like for her to be toilet independent before kindergarten next year. So this one is fun and I'm sure many of you have had some toileting challenges with your toddler.

Rachael:

So let's think through the potential chain of behaviors that we could reinforce along the way. So if she's starting in a pull-up in her room, we would want her to, and the end goal is pooping in the toilet independently. Our chain might start with pooping in a pull-up in the hallway on the way to the bathroom, and then maybe a little bit closer to the bathroom, but still in the pull-up, and then our next chain behavior would be in the bathroom, pooping in a pull-up. You see how this is working. We're still in the pull-up, but we're just moving closer to the setting where we want to see the behavior. So then the next chain behavior would be still have a pull-up on, but sitting on the toilet and pooping. So she's learning the sensation of sitting down while pooping, because I'm not sure if she prefers to sit or stand. I know some kids have a specific position that they like to poop in, so maybe that's something they're working through too.

Rachael:

Okay, so our last behavior was sitting on the toilet in a pull-up. The next behavior would be, or the next chain behavior would be you mom or dad cuts a hole in the pull-up and then that's the pull-up that she wears to be sitting on the toilet and pooping, and then the next one would be completely independent no pull-up sitting on the toilet and I would encourage this family to create a visual representation of these steps so that they could be reinforced along the way, either with maybe smiley faces or maybe stickers or a stamp, and then, once she makes it all the way to the bathroom and she's doing her toileting needs independently, you could discuss what she wants to earn when she meets that goal. Could be something simple, like a trip to the little ice cream shop, maybe a trip to Target, where she could spend $10, and then, once she picks that goal, you print a picture of that as well, so she knows exactly what she's working for and what she gets, and I know that sometimes I don't really like to Work for things. However, this could be very powerful for her and if the family isn't noticing success, with maybe just the stickers or a stamp every time she completes one of the chain behaviors, she could access, maybe Something that is very highly preferred but she doesn't have access to normally, so sometimes people will use an iPad for 10 minutes, or Maybe she really likes play dough, so she could use the special play dough for 10 minutes and she only can access that play dough when she is successful in her toileting routine. So you can build those in along the way. Or you can say, okay, you get your little sticker or you get a little tangible or something small to eat, and then she's working towards that target trip. I mean, let's be honest, I'll work for a target trip. So then the idea is, the steps will increase her confidence, ian, her momentum. So she, the goal being that she has the intrinsic or internal motivation To poop in the toilet, and I think that she will be very successful Just knowing that her parents are seem incredibly kind and loving and don't want to push her or punish her anything. So I think that, with the visual schedule of all the steps in the, the chain of behaviors and then deciding with her what she wants to work for or earn, either After each step or all the way at the end, I think that parents sometimes Will turn to somebody and say what do I do? What do I do? But a lot of times I'll say you know your child best. Here are some potential options. You decide what would work best for her or him. And then here's some more ideas to have in your back pocket in case things go All right or if your child responds in a completely different way than you thought that they would. Okay, good luck with the poop in my friend. Okay.

Rachael:

Our next question comes from a mama of a child who is two years old one of my favorite ages and this little bubble refuses to get in his car seat, screaming, flailing, probably hitting, making contact. And I I get this heard a lot of this story from a lot of different people. So the way I think this through is there's a couple things that you can do at the same time, so this doesn't have to be All in a particular order, like the last question. So my ideas would be to one increase short or fun car trips, maybe around the block, maybe you give him a novel toy, like a new matchbox car. One season is car seats, sing songs, come back home and then, when you are home, do something he really likes to do. So then he's associating the car ride with oh, I sing songs, I get a new toy. So he's it's something positive in his little world.

Rachael:

My other idea, which sounds super fun is To consider taking the car seat out of his car and leave it out Sorry, out of your car and leave it out while he's supervised, of course. Maybe put it in your family room or, if you have a nice little room in your basement, and have him just buckle in those stuffed animals, allow him to sit in it and keep it super light and playful. So maybe you're saying, oh, someone's all let's play. We're gonna go shopping at Target, but first we have to get in the car. Let's take your little teddy bear and we gotta buckle him in. And then they have to buckle in, and then maybe you could practice buckling him in if he's willing. Again, we're not forcing him.

Rachael:

Then this other super fun idea I had was to construct a car seat for mom and dad and have him buckle you in. And if you really want to get creative, you could act like the little goblin that he's acting like when you put him in the car seat and just see how he responds Does he try to comfort you, does he give up, what does he do and then you could just act like a normal human when you're getting buckled in. So he's two years old, so he's probably still sitting backwards. I wonder if you could just somehow attach I know they have those mirrors where you can see him through your rear view mirror, but maybe there's a mirror where he can see you Like, maybe we could work that out somehow where he can see you, because it's probably like thinking about it from his perspective, like he's sitting backwards, he can't see you, he can only hear you and you're driving, so you can't comfort him and that might be really scary and he doesn't know where he's going. So I encourage you to again, with the visuals, like, talk about where you're going or, if it's a new trip, print out a little picture so he has a little bit of reference. But he might be really scared or he might have had a somewhat traumatic experience going in the car or going somewhere super non-preferred, like the pediatrician for those awesome shots that they get all the time. So those are my thoughts on that one. Good luck. I hope that you constructed car seat to be buckled into by your child. If you do, please send me a picture, because I want to see that creativity.

Rachael:

Okay, our next question is a little less light and I felt very I felt sad for this mama when I read it because I identify with it. So her question was how much of my yelling will they remember? Will I be quote that mom characterized as always yelling, and this I get. I get this where you say to your child one time and then they keep pushing, and they keep pushing, and they keep pushing and then you yell and then it becomes a cycle. So I was trying to think through what would make a parent yell at their child. So, number one being when we say no and they keep asking, when we ask them to do something holy moly and when they do something that crashes hard and goes against our values.

Rachael:

So if you witness your child calling someone names or being unkind or just doing something that is completely out of character for them and for what you value in your family, that can be really hard. There's no space between what you see or what you heard and your response. It's just, it feels super automatic and out of control, almost. So I think we're training our children to think or not think that mom means business when she yells. So they better do what she asked or they think we will give in. So this is somewhat of a learned behavior on their part, but also on ours where it's our end, the end of our rope, and we just want the whining or the asking or the when the siblings are fighting. We just want it to stop. So this can definitely turn into a cycle where they will only do something if we yell.

Rachael:

So I have a couple of thoughts on this, because I know that a lot of parents struggle with it, especially as our kids get older and they have their own little personalities and their own wants and needs and they're just trying to navigate this complicated world and we're really their guide in trying to help them. And I hear this mama when she doesn't want her child to remember her yelling or wondering how much of this is she, he or she going to remember? So my thoughts are I wonder how we can set up situations or expectations to limit yelling. So start with no. When I say no, that means no. I will not answer and the observed behavior will be I will be quiet when you ask me again. The key here is following through. Additionally, tell them the time when it will be a yes. So no, we cannot have ice cream for breakfast right now. I will not answer and I will be quiet if you ask me again. Ice cream is a great snack to have after lunch or after dinner. So telling them when it will be a yes. And if they keep asking and they want it now, remember I will be quiet and then honestly try and distract or engage in something else if they're in that three, four, five age range, when they're older it's a little bit harder. In my house my kids love this awful show on Netflix We'll name it, but you might know what it is and we try to limit how much they watch of it. But they consistently ask Well, we definitely try to say not right now, but we can watch 10 minutes after dinner. Just another example of giving them the yes.

Rachael:

The second reason we might yell at our child is when we ask them to do something. It's just I remember my parents just screaming at us to do something and nobody did until we reeled that. So this is super annoying because it really eats at that sense of control and as humans we want to control the family life or we want to be able to control our children. So we have to decide if what we are asking them is a do it right now or do it later, but get it done before X time or X activity, for example, so you can explain to your child this is a do it right now because you want to tell them why, or this is a do it later, but then give a timeframe when you want them to get it done. If it's right now, you could say in five minutes it's time to put shoes on to go to school. Now it's time to put shoes on to go to school. Do you want me to put them on for you or do you want to do it by yourself? So I like timers for time sensitive situations because it takes the onus off of the parent, puts it on the timer. Oh, timer went off. Now you have to put your shoes on.

Rachael:

So the third reason you might yell at your child is when they do something that is against your values, your family's values. Like unkind words, they physically hurt someone on purpose, they cheat, they use technology inappropriately. The list goes on. Like I said earlier, this is so hard because you feel like there's no space between the event and your reaction is just so quick. If you end up yelling, catch yourself, take a breath, tell your child that you need a minute to calm their brain and your body before you talk to them about what they did. So here are your modeling self-regulations when you talk to them apologize for yelling, I'm sorry for yelling, it's not okay. I need a time to calm down, but now I'm ready to talk about this. The biggest take home in all of this is what you do after you yell Acknowledge it, share your feeling, apologize and try again.

Rachael:

So, depending on the age of your child or children, you could have a conversation with them about how you are trying to stop yelling, tell them that you need their help and you want to work on it as a family. Maybe you could set up a reward system, something like a jar in the kitchen where you, your spouse, your kids can put cotton balls, marbles, anything small, really Any item in the jar every time you feel like you wanted to yell, but you were able to stop yourself, regulate and have a conversation instead. So you're rewarding yourself and your family members for the replacement behavior of stopping regulating, having a conversation. So those three steps. You can decide as a family what you're working for when the jar is full, maybe movie night, or we build a fort in the basement and we have pizza, or trip to a special park anything really, and you can doesn't have to be something where you spend money or anything outrageous. It could just be very special, intentional time as a family.

Rachael:

The point here is that you're recognizing that this is something you're struggling with and you don't want it to be your legacy. When your kids look back on their childhood, you cannot imagine the power of acknowledging inappropriate behavior in yourself in front of your child. They take in everything and that's how they learn to relate to the world. Yes, we all yell and we will continue to slip up and yell, because you are human and kids can be so freaking, annoying my friends. I feel you on this. You are human. You will make mistakes, acknowledging those mistakes, even for your littlest little bubbles. It's so important.

Rachael:

Thank you for listening today. If you have a question that you'd like for me to explore on the pot, you can submit it directly to me by emailing rachelspellingmichael at gomamahubcom. Dm me on Instagram. You are doing great. Thank you for tuning in to this episode today. I just have one favor to ask of you. Could you hop over to wherever you get your podcasts and leave me a review I'm grateful for it and read every single one of them. If you want to get in touch. You can use the contact tab on gomamahubcom or direct message me on Instagram, gomamahub. As always, this or any other podcast is not a substitute for direct and individualized mental health care. Bonus note for my friends in the western suburbs of Chicago Go to gomamahubcom slash gomama meetup to get the information for our next meetup, where you will connect with mothers in the area in a very low pressure environment. I invite you to bravely show up as you Take care of yourself, my friend.