Go Mama Pod
Each episode of Go Mama Pod is a conversation with a purpose. We'll discuss the societal expectations and the real experiences of motherhood, letting you know that it's okay not to be perfect.
We'll delve into the fascinating world of early child development, providing you with the tools to understand and nurture your little ones (while also not losing your sh*t).
Hosted by Rachael McKenney-Licensed Clinical Social Worker with a wealth of experience and knowledge around maternal mental health and child development. She guides guide you through these discussions with warmth and expertise, making you feel like you're chatting with your best friend.
Go Mama Pod
Raising Kids with Intention How One Question Can Guide You
Who knew that three simple words, "Does this Matter?", could become a parenting tool powerful enough to diffuse tension and foster a more harmonious household? The latest episode reveals this transformative strategy and explains how it aligns with the deeper values we hold dear as caretakers. We're not just talking about choosing battles with toddlers; we're shaping the adults they will one day become. With the help of Dr. Pooja Lakshmi's wisdom from 'Real Self-Care,' we dive into an exercise that spotlights your core values.
The real-life examples I share—like whether waffles for dinner are a hill worth dying on—bring this strategy to life, demonstrating its everyday applications and benefits. From considering the kind of adult you want your child to become to assessing the deeper 'why' behind setting limits. Tune in if you're ready to align your parenting with what truly matters.
Real Self Care by Dr. Pooja Lakshmin
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On today's episode, we will explore the Does this Matter? Parenting strategy, including what Is it, how it Became my Go-To Strategy and how it has Changed how I Parent Two Little People Ages Two and Four. Okay, the question Does this Matter? The strategy may sound simple just based on the title. However, the front end considerations should be done both carefully and mindfully to set you up for success. So you should ask yourself this question when you come into conflict with your child, and the answer will lead you to your next step. Those of us who parent toddlers and preschoolers know that there is a potential conflict every three minutes across one day. The front end work, which we won't go too far into today, is important because it requires you to go beyond the present moment or conflict. You ask yourself questions like what kind of adult do I want my child to be? My answer might be independent, self-sufficient, confident. Those might be the values that are reflected in that answer. Again, the value question what are my values? Figuring out your values can be a difficult task because they are not as concrete and tangible as goals. Goals are what you do and values are how you get there. In the acceptance and commitment therapy world, dr Russ Harris defines values as Our heart's deepest desires for the way we want to interact with the world, other people and ourselves.
Speaker 1:One quick exercise from the book Real Self-Care by Dr Pooja Lakshmi, which I highly recommend. It's incredible is a practice called what I Know to Be True. For Me, it involves completing the following four statements quickly and without thinking about it too much. Number one I'm happiest when. Number two I feel most like myself when I am Three. I am bound to fail when. And four I know that I cannot do blank and be blank. Reading through your answers can show you some of your values. She notes that it's definitely okay if some seem contradictory, because people are complicated and your values can change over time. Just thinking back to my college days, my values were having fun, getting good grades, doing as many stupid things as possible, right. As a parent of two littles, those are definitely not my values anymore, and that's okay. So if I were to answer these, I might say I'm happiest when I'm outside on a trail or watching my kids learn and develop. I feel most like myself when I'm with my family and friends that know me best. I am bound to fail when I'm not prepared. I know that I cannot do all the things I want to do and be a present parent. So some potential values revealed might be nature, curiosity, relationships, preparedness and presence. So the values that you might have uncovered through that exercise are fluid for yourself, your work, your parenting, everything, because it's the way that you live and do things, not a tangible goal that you can work toward.
Speaker 1:So how did I come to this? I definitely came to it on accident. I noticed that my husband was getting into some power struggles with my son about a variety of things from meals, wanting to put on his pajamas, what toys he could play with, when and I found myself looking at him and either mouthing very gently, does this matter? Or snarkily saying, does it really matter? I started to ask myself this question across the day. Whenever I felt myself setting a limit or maybe about to set a limit, I'd ask myself the question and then wonder why was I going to set the limit?
Speaker 1:Some examples from my house might be does it matter if my son sleeps in a crib mattress next to my bed? No, this doesn't matter, because he feels safe next to me. Go back to his room when he's ready. Does it matter if my kids eat waffles for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Nope, it's what they requested and I know they will eat it, so we won't be throwing any food away, which is something that we really hate doing in our house. I also know that they'll snack on vegetables and fruit if I present them to them here. I challenge the idea of what a dinner should look like. This is a historically challenging time of day for us, so the less conflict the better. I also don't tell my kids to eat one more bite or have a bite of this. Then you can have this. If my son tells me he's done eating and there's still food on his plate, which is highly likely I'll ask him if his body is telling him that he's full and he's done eating. With this question, I encourage him to feel connected to the signals his body is sending, rather than just eating an arbitrary amount of food that I deem is enough. Does it matter that my older son is chasing my younger son around with a pillow and pushing him down? Yes, because this is a safety concern. I might intervene and suggest a different variation that elicits the same results, so maybe something where they crash into the nugget or jump off the nugget into a pit of pillows.
Speaker 1:I don't want this to be confused with boundary-less parenting, so that might be permissive parenting, or the kids just do whatever they want because they want to. We certainly have boundaries in our home. We set limits on safety, like I just outlined the words we use. I've banned potty talk from the dinner table. I can't ban it anywhere else. It's elusive, this potty talk. If anybody has a strategy, let me know. We also set limits on how we treat each other and our animals and how we take care of our home, which might include I put away what I take out. We work together to keep our house clean.
Speaker 1:I think you might be getting the basics of this strategy, while it does involve a fair amount of self-reflection. It's so helpful to consider why am I setting a limit and is this limit worth following through on? Because it's probably going to lead to a conflict? Now, if you're someone who values control and obedience, you might find yourself setting a limit and enforcing it because you want your child to show you compliance. Compliance is a value in some families and if this is a value in your parenting journey, I would definitely wonder how you yourself were parented. And if you like the way you were parented. I wonder how you felt as a child. Maybe you felt scared to say no, or maybe you felt like your wishes didn't matter to your parents. I also might wonder how you're doing as an adult.
Speaker 1:Well, this strategy has changed the way I parent in both subtle and profound ways. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the way I was parented and what was valued in my home growing up. I also have definitely reflected on my own parenting four and a half years in and consider the childhood I want my children to have. I want them to feel like a member of our family, that they have a voice. While we might not go with their suggestions all the time because they're two and four, we will definitely consider it and not shut them down. Another impact is the impact with the students I work with. Most of the boundaries or limits I've set in the past with students was to garner compliance, and I'm so grateful to move beyond compliance and toward encouraging students' use of autonomy. So I hope you find this strategy valuable. Does this matter, dtm? Let me know what you think of this parenting strategy and if you are willing to test it out, I'd love to hear how it's going. Farewell for now.