Go Mama Pod

Honoring Early Autonomy: Fostering Resilience in Young Children

• Rachael McKenney

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The latest episode delves into the often overlooked signals our children send us, demonstrating their capacity for communication and decision-making, and how we, as their guardians, can empower them by honoring these expressions. Tuning into our little ones' cues helps foster their self-assurance which can positively impact their future relationships. 

Practical tips to get started honoring your child's resilience and the benefits for their development.

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Speaker 1:

Hey, welcome to Go, Mama Pod. Today we are talking about honoring your child's autonomy starting at birth. So let's get into it. You, as the parent, are able to nurture your child's autonomy from the moment they are born. So a lot of times we might think about autonomy as when our child can speak and tell us what they want. But let's flip that a little bit and think about these little tiny, squishy babies. So autonomy is the right to make choices and act independently, which contributes to their development and shapes their sense of self confidence and resilience, which are all things that we want for our kids.

Speaker 1:

A baby is not just a crying potato when they're born. Yes, okay, maybe they are crying potato. They have needs and the only way that they can communicate those needs is by using their bodies. So that might look like turning their head away when they're overstimulated, screaming, closing their mouth when presented with bottle or breast, maybe eye gaze looking at you, looking at something that's interesting to them, or vocal protesting, which might be crying or grunting. We can honor those signs of communication by being fully in tune and observing our baby. They tell us that they're tired by zoning out. They might stare at an interesting object or gaze at your face or kick their cute little chubby legs when it's time to change their diaper, which could indicate protest. Once we figure out the cues, we can respond accordingly. This is the absolute foundation of trust. In the parent-child dyad, they're learning that their needs will be met by a caregiver and their words quote words, because they're not actually speaking. But their words and behavior can create their own change in the environment, which is incredibly, incredibly important. As a little one, if we move into the toddler stage, this is where they're on a quest for autonomy and we can allow these things to happen within our own controlled environment. So obviously they want to do things themselves, make choices. They've learned that they're separate from their caregiver. You can offer limited choices by choosing clothing or what book to read, but I want to stress that this autonomy goes beyond choosing items.

Speaker 1:

So my son is two and has very sensitive skin in his diaper area and he gets rashes really easily. And recently he started crying and saying no cream when I would get the aqua for out to put it on before bed. When he said no cream the first time, I said okay, you're saying no cream, we won't put cream on tonight. It sounds so simple. But with that one sentence I let my son know that I was listening to his request. I heard him and I honored it. The next night I was getting him ready for bed and I said I'll put the cream in your diaper, not on your body, and he said, okay. And now he repeats that every night cream in my diaper, not on my body. And when he requested no cream that first time, I could have just as easily responded with a well, your butt is red and you need cream, and just slathered it on without a second thought. But I want you to think about just because he's little, or that your child's little doesn't mean that their voice doesn't have power or agency. I was able to give him that by hearing his words and responding with respect and a different action, like what he wanted. It wasn't one of those where I could say, okay, you don't have to have cream ever again, but making a slight compromise, like I know, when it's on his diaper it's still going to go on his body for the night it's just making.

Speaker 1:

Trying to think about little changes you could make across your day that would communicate to your child. I hear you, I want to honor you, I want to do what you're asking me, or maybe make a little bit of a compromise. Let's move on to food. Some people might call me a little bit loosey-goosey about food in my house, and maybe I am, I don't know. You can always let me know what you think. So here's what we do. The boundaries that I have around food are are listen to what your body tells you. So this might look like if your body, or your belly or your body tells you that you're full and you don't want any more food, then don't eat any more food. If you don't want what I made for you, you can ask for something else and I can make it, or we can get out the supplies and you can make it yourself.

Speaker 1:

I always, always, always, go back to intentionally treating my children like the full-blown amazing humans that they are. If I had a friend over, it would be wildly inappropriate and probably somewhat rude for me to say this is what I made, so this is what you're eating. Or you have to finish your plate before leaving the table or getting your dessert, and I know that these are a lot of strategies that some parents implement and that's good for them or it might work for their child. It depends. These are all things that you have to think about with this work in my family. Can I do this? Can I let go? Can my kids handle this kind of leeway? But for me, in my house, I want them to be able to listen to their bodies and feel comfortable not clearing their plate. I also want them to know that we can be flexible in what we eat, and what we want to eat can change from day to day.

Speaker 1:

But honestly, real talk I do not make elaborate meals and I will not make an elaborate replacement meal. It's usually that they just want a waffle or cereal for dinner and of course, they love to get up on the step stool, push the toaster, button down, help out in that way. And then there's another level of control over their day that they have, because they don't have a whole lot of control or agency over their day and what they do. But my end goal with food. So that's where I start with the end goal and I work backwards. So my end goal is that they have a full belly and they eat a variety of foods across the week. You really don't get hung up on whether or not they eat a vegetable or fruit at every meal, because sometimes they will only eat vegetables or fruit for a meal. So it really all evens out.

Speaker 1:

I also have snacks really available in our snack cabinet and it's at their level and they can retrieve them when they want something. But I've had to stop buying those mini chocolate chip muffins because those go like hotcakes and they will eat three packages in a row before I even take them out of the box. So I'm kind of mindful of what I buy and what's in the snack cabinet Lots of applesauce, maybe some raisins, maybe some veggie straws, stuff like that. We've also made a rule that they can't have snacks 30 minutes before dinner because they will just eat, eat, eat, eat, eat and then not eat dinner, which can be quite frustrating or annoying. But again, just remembering, like I'm not going to force them to eat it, they don't have to sit here, I'm not going to sit here and wait for them to eat it, like that's not the kind of control that I need to have over them.

Speaker 1:

So, thinking about autonomy, it's about granting freedom. It's also super important to establish boundaries. Our consistent and clear guidelines help children understand the limits within which they can use or exercise that independence and hold strong to your boundaries, people, but also be mindful that as your child grows, or your children grow, you might need to adjust the boundaries and expectations. Pro tip always communicate the why behind a boundary or a rule. Toddlers and young children are much more responsive when you tell them that they could fall and break their face and go to the doctor, which is highly aversive if they keep jumping off the kitchen table or if they keep doing whatever, and they do all sorts of weird stuff. We can also honor our child autonomy in conflict.

Speaker 1:

So kids don't know how to act. They don't know how to be in an argument. It's our job to teach them. They are children and they're learning every single day. We have a lot of screaming at my house. I was recently at my friend's house and she has kids the exact same age, two boys like I do and I looked at her and I said, wow, there's a lot less screaming in your house than in my house, which was kind of funny to notice. But that's just my kids' personalities. We're learning over here. We're learning not to scream so much.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, so in conflict, if they are screaming or protesting in their languages limited, try your best guess. Keep it short, though you look angry, you're crying. I'm wondering if then maybe make your best guess, wondering if you want to play with that toy that your sister has. Wondering if you want to stay at the park longer and we have to go. I want to help you feel better. It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit with our hands. I can, and then maybe give something else they can do. I can make big squeezes with my fists, or I can ask for a hug or give them a replacement, rather than just saying don't hit me or that makes mommy sad. Let's just acknowledge the behavior, acknowledge the feeling, give a replacement and offer the opportunity to co-regulate. Maybe you want a hug, maybe you want me to give you a squeeze, maybe you want me to give you five minutes and come back to you later. Seriously, anything.

Speaker 1:

You know your kids better and they know that they know themselves too. They can tell you what they need. So when we think of the end goal in mind, we encourage the autonomy in our children because we are priming them for something bigger, which is the self-confidence and overall well-being and resilience. So they're confident in their voice to make change or get their needs met. They feel valued as a child within their family. They feel that their voices heard, they feel understood and therefore they seek out relationships as an adult where they feel valued. There's not a greater gift we can give our children than to be overall resilient and find a partner in their life where they feel valued. They will be resilient in the face of adversity because you've given them the tools to navigate those changes and uncomfortable feelings. You're not taking away the challenges or the uncomfortable feelings. You're giving them the tools to handle them, either with support or give them the ability to ask for support. It's so powerful to be able to ask for help.

Speaker 1:

You're your child's biggest and first fan. You love them on condition alone, and you can show this love by hearing their voice and responding respectfully. None of this. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. I hear that and it makes me cringe because nobody can tell you what you're feeling. Only you know you do this. They will grow up to be the adults who hear and respect the voices of others. So if that's our goal, we think back to. Where are we now when they're young children? Let me know what you think about this episode. Let me know how you handle food in your house? What are your boundaries? Let me know if you have any questions. I 'd love to hear how it's going, what you're working on in your family, if there's any way I can support you. As always, I appreciate the feedback and remember you are a great parent and you're doing such a good job.