Honoring Early Autonomy: Fostering Resilience in Young Children

The latest episode delves into the often overlooked signals our children send us, demonstrating their capacity for communication and decision-making, and how we, as their guardians, can empower them by honoring these expressions. Tuning into our little ones' cues helps foster their self-assurance which can positively impact their future relationships. 

Practical tips to get started honoring your child's resilience and the benefits for their development.

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Transcript

Honoring Child Autonomy From Birth

Speaker 1 0:01

Hey , welcome to Go , Mama Pod . Today we are talking about honoring your child's autonomy starting at birth . So let's get into it . You , as the parent , are able to nurture your child's autonomy from the moment they are born . So a lot of times we might think about autonomy as when our child can speak and tell us what they want . But let's flip that a little bit and think about these little tiny , squishy babies . So autonomy is the right to make choices and act independently , which contributes to their development and shapes their sense of self confidence and resilience , which are all things that we want for our kids .

Speaker 1 0:43

A baby is not just a crying potato when they're born . Yes , okay , maybe they are crying potato . They have needs and the only way that they can communicate those needs is by using their bodies . So that might look like turning their head away when they're overstimulated , screaming , closing their mouth when presented with bottle or breast , maybe eye gaze looking at you , looking at something that's interesting to them , or vocal protesting , which might be crying or grunting . We can honor those signs of communication by being fully in tune and observing our baby . They tell us that they're tired by zoning out . They might stare at an interesting object or gaze at your face or kick their cute little chubby legs when it's time to change their diaper , which could indicate protest . Once we figure out the cues , we can respond accordingly . This is the absolute foundation of trust . In the parent-child dyad , they're learning that their needs will be met by a caregiver and their words quote words , because they're not actually speaking . But their words and behavior can create their own change in the environment , which is incredibly , incredibly important . As a little one , if we move into the toddler stage , this is where they're on a quest for autonomy and we can allow these things to happen within our own controlled environment . So obviously they want to do things themselves , make choices . They've learned that they're separate from their caregiver . You can offer limited choices by choosing clothing or what book to read , but I want to stress that this autonomy goes beyond choosing items .

Speaker 1 2:36

So my son is two and has very sensitive skin in his diaper area and he gets rashes really easily . And recently he started crying and saying no cream when I would get the aqua for out to put it on before bed . When he said no cream the first time , I said okay , you're saying no cream , we won't put cream on tonight . It sounds so simple . But with that one sentence I let my son know that I was listening to his request . I heard him and I honored it . The next night I was getting him ready for bed and I said I'll put the cream in your diaper , not on your body , and he said , okay . And now he repeats that every night cream in my diaper , not on my body . And when he requested no cream that first time , I could have just as easily responded with a well , your butt is red and you need cream , and just slathered it on without a second thought . But I want you to think about just because he's little , or that your child's little doesn't mean that their voice doesn't have power or agency . I was able to give him that by hearing his words and responding with respect and a different action , like what he wanted . It wasn't one of those where I could say , okay , you don't have to have cream ever again , but making a slight compromise , like I know , when it's on his diaper it's still going to go on his body for the night it's just making .

Speaker 1 4:08

Trying to think about little changes you could make across your day that would communicate to your child . I hear you , I want to honor you , I want to do what you're asking me , or maybe make a little bit of a compromise . Let's move on to food . Some people might call me a little bit loosey-goosey about food in my house , and maybe I am , I don't know . You can always let me know what you think . So here's what we do . The boundaries that I have around food are are listen to what your body tells you . So this might look like if your body , or your belly or your body tells you that you're full and you don't want any more food , then don't eat any more food . If you don't want what I made for you , you can ask for something else and I can make it , or we can get out the supplies and you can make it yourself .

Speaker 1 5:01

I always , always , always , go back to intentionally treating my children like the full-blown amazing humans that they are . If I had a friend over , it would be wildly inappropriate and probably somewhat rude for me to say this is what I made , so this is what you're eating . Or you have to finish your plate before leaving the table or getting your dessert , and I know that these are a lot of strategies that some parents implement and that's good for them or it might work for their child . It depends . These are all things that you have to think about with this work in my family . Can I do this ? Can I let go ? Can my kids handle this kind of leeway ? But for me , in my house , I want them to be able to listen to their bodies and feel comfortable not clearing their plate . I also want them to know that we can be flexible in what we eat , and what we want to eat can change from day to day .

Speaker 1 5:56

But honestly , real talk I do not make elaborate meals and I will not make an elaborate replacement meal . It's usually that they just want a waffle or cereal for dinner and of course , they love to get up on the step stool , push the toaster , button down , help out in that way . And then there's another level of control over their day that they have , because they don't have a whole lot of control or agency over their day and what they do . But my end goal with food . So that's where I start with the end goal and I work backwards . So my end goal is that they have a full belly and they eat a variety of foods across the week . You really don't get hung up on whether or not they eat a vegetable or fruit at every meal , because sometimes they will only eat vegetables or fruit for a meal . So it really all evens out .

Speaker 1 6:47

I also have snacks really available in our snack cabinet and it's at their level and they can retrieve them when they want something . But I've had to stop buying those mini chocolate chip muffins because those go like hotcakes and they will eat three packages in a row before I even take them out of the box . So I'm kind of mindful of what I buy and what's in the snack cabinet Lots of applesauce , maybe some raisins , maybe some veggie straws , stuff like that . We've also made a rule that they can't have snacks 30 minutes before dinner because they will just eat , eat , eat , eat , eat and then not eat dinner , which can be quite frustrating or annoying . But again , just remembering , like I'm not going to force them to eat it , they don't have to sit here , I'm not going to sit here and wait for them to eat it , like that's not the kind of control that I need to have over them .

Speaker 1 7:44

So , thinking about autonomy , it's about granting freedom . It's also super important to establish boundaries . Our consistent and clear guidelines help children understand the limits within which they can use or exercise that independence and hold strong to your boundaries , people , but also be mindful that as your child grows , or your children grow , you might need to adjust the boundaries and expectations . Pro tip always communicate the why behind a boundary or a rule . Toddlers and young children are much more responsive when you tell them that they could fall and break their face and go to the doctor , which is highly aversive if they keep jumping off the kitchen table or if they keep doing whatever , and they do all sorts of weird stuff . We can also honor our child autonomy in conflict .

Speaker 1 8:41

So kids don't know how to act . They don't know how to be in an argument . It's our job to teach them . They are children and they're learning every single day . We have a lot of screaming at my house . I was recently at my friend's house and she has kids the exact same age , two boys like I do and I looked at her and I said , wow , there's a lot less screaming in your house than in my house , which was kind of funny to notice . But that's just my kids' personalities . We're learning over here . We're learning not to scream so much .

Speaker 1 9:19

Anyway , so in conflict , if they are screaming or protesting in their languages limited , try your best guess . Keep it short , though you look angry , you're crying . I'm wondering if then maybe make your best guess , wondering if you want to play with that toy that your sister has . Wondering if you want to stay at the park longer and we have to go . I want to help you feel better . It's okay to be angry . It's not okay to hit with our hands . I can , and then maybe give something else they can do . I can make big squeezes with my fists , or I can ask for a hug or give them a replacement , rather than just saying don't hit me or that makes mommy sad . Let's just acknowledge the behavior , acknowledge the feeling , give a replacement and offer the opportunity to co-regulate . Maybe you want a hug , maybe you want me to give you a squeeze , maybe you want me to give you five minutes and come back to you later . Seriously ,

Nurturing Autonomy and Resilience in Children

Speaker 1 10:22

anything .

Speaker 1 10:22

You know your kids better and they know that they know themselves too . They can tell you what they need . So when we think of the end goal in mind , we encourage the autonomy in our children because we are priming them for something bigger , which is the self-confidence and overall well-being and resilience . So they're confident in their voice to make change or get their needs met . They feel valued as a child within their family . They feel that their voices heard , they feel understood and therefore they seek out relationships as an adult where they feel valued . There's not a greater gift we can give our children than to be overall resilient and find a partner in their life where they feel valued . They will be resilient in the face of adversity because you've given them the tools to navigate those changes and uncomfortable feelings . You're not taking away the challenges or the uncomfortable feelings . You're giving them the tools to handle them , either with support or give them the ability to ask for support . It's so powerful to be able to ask for help .

Speaker 1 11:42

You're your child's biggest and first fan . You love them on condition alone , and you can show this love by hearing their voice and responding respectfully . None of this . You're fine . You're fine . You're fine . I hear that and it makes me cringe because nobody can tell you what you're feeling . Only you know you do this . They will grow up to be the adults who hear and respect the voices of others . So if that's our goal , we think back to . Where are we now when they're young children ? Let me know what you think about this episode . Let me know how you handle food in your house ? What are your boundaries ? Let me know if you have any questions . I 'd love to hear how it's going , what you're working on in your family , if there's any way I can support you . As always , I appreciate the feedback and remember you are a great parent and you're doing such a good job .