How To Renovate

EP50 Can Making A Home Help Heal Our Childhood Shame?

• Tash South • Season 1 • Episode 50

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This is the 50th episode of How To Renovate. When I started the podcast, back in February 2024, the idea was to  focus on short informative episodes about the renovation process. And although I’ve mainly stuck to that, I’ve also found so much joy in interviewing some incredible people and exploring just how much our homes mean to us.

Our homes are powerful, they can either support our needs, daily lives and our well-being, or they do not. 
Home is more than just four walls, it’s what happens inside. This episode was quite a difficult one for me. I decided to turn off the video and just reflect and talk freely as if I was having a coffee with a close friend, about what home means to me.  As many of our lovely listeners know by now, I grew up in Cape Town, South Africa during the apartheid era and this means that I have many complicated feelings of what home means, especially home as a country.  What our feelings of home are, how those feelings are formed during childhood, and the related shame that often comes with that, is a subject that has always fascinated me, and in this episode I explore my own. 

This week’s episode is deeply personal. I’ve opened up about something I’ve never fully shared before—the shame I carried growing up under apartheid in South Africa, and how that experience shaped my relationship with home.

But, as adults, when we finally get to create our own spaces, we often don’t realise how much of our childhood we’re still carrying with us—and how making our own homes can help to heal that shame. For me, it’s been taking the feeling of not belonging that has roots that stretch far back, across continents and decades, and with quiet rebellion and intentional creation, turning that into what people who looked like me weren’t allowed to have, into the home I’ve built today.

So join me inside to explore how home can be a space for reclaiming worth, safety, and identity. I speak about  ways we can begin to heal childhood shame through the way we design and care for our homes—by prioritising self-expression, comfort, security, and making space for connection and joy.

Whether or not you’ve experienced trauma or displacement, I truly believe we all carry pieces of our past into the homes we create. 

If this resonates with you in any way, grab that coffee and hit play. 

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Hi I'm your host, Tash South I'm an Interior Designer and Renovation Consultant.
Each episode of How To Renovate is short, but brimming with practical advice to help you manage your renovation project with confidence and success.

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Tash South:

Hello, hello everybody, and welcome back to the how to Renovate podcast. This episode is something a little different. It's going to be quite a deep episode, quite an emotional one for me. I have always been interested in this topic and probably it's because of how and where I grew up which I will definitely get into into this episode. But this episode is all about healing childhood shame and how our homes can help us do that. As we get older, we become adults, we start making our own homes, how we choose to do that, our own homes, how we choose to do that, and I've always been really interested in this topic of how and why we do the things we do in our homes when we get the first chance to create our own homes in relation to our past. Now I'll see how I go on this episode. I may turn off the video and just talk if it gets a little bit too emotional, and then also I apologise if at some points it sounds like I may be reading. I've written quite a lot of this down so I can cover most of it and not forget certain parts. And then also it's quite difficult to just kind of free flow and remember all of this when recording in this way, especially about a topic like this. So apologies in advance if some of it sounds a bit red, but that is what I might be doing in the episode. But, um, so let's get into it a bit more.

Tash South:

So, so, so, so childish shame is is kind of it's a heavy burden that many of us carry into adulthood and it can come in many, many forms. So it could be, um, it could be abuse in the home, it could be addiction in the home. It could be so, so many different reasons, even reasons that aren't that that bad or that drastic. There are many things that can cause their childhood shame and that feeling of not having been quite happy in your home as a child growing up, and it generally stems from experiences that left us feeling unworthy or inadequate or unsupported as children. But then, obviously, as adults, we have the power to change that. When we start making our own homes, we can change things. We can create environments that nurture us, that are healing and where you can give yourself some compassion. And I always say this a home is more than a physical space that looks beautiful. It is a sanctuary, it is so much more than just a building, and I think that's also why I'm so interested in this topic, because your home is really somewhere where you can rewrite your own story. You can rewrite it the way you want to live and you can put back those things that you were not given or that you were missing as a child. In your own home, you can reclaim your worth, you can find comfort, you can basically rebuild for yourself the things that you want to have.

Tash South:

I mean, we've just come out of a really, really difficult year. 2024 was filled with war. It was here in London, we had race riots, you know, we had the re-election of a certain president, and so I just feel like, even more than ever, home just feels more special than ever before, because how lucky are we to even have one when, when around the world, things like this are happening, where people are being displaced? You know, around the world there's well over 1 billion people who don't have access to adequate shelter and you know that is ever increasing, especially with wars and natural disasters. I mean, there's almost a quarter of the world's population and not having a home has such rippling effects on us, on our mental health, on our physical health, on our education, on our community, and I saw this every day growing up in South Africa, in Cape Town, and unfortunately we're still seeing it today. So I have talked about growing up in South Africa, in Cape Town, on the podcast before and usually I talk about it quite fondly. It's a stunningly beautiful city. I mean it has the sea, it has the mountains, it has this amazing outdoor life, incredible beaches, and when I talk about it I talk quite fondly about it, about the weather, about the lifestyle, about the homes there and the light.

Tash South:

But really when I grew up in South Africa it was still under the apartheid regime. So if you don't know much about apartheid, it was basically a group areas act and this came in in 1950 and we were required to live in specifically assigned areas, so specifically assigned geographical areas, according to the colour of our skins. So in that point in time they separated us into groups, into white, brown, which we were labelled as coloured so that is what my family and I were labelled as living in South Africa and then black, and then also they had some other subgroups and that was pretty much it. They took everybody and separated them into these three groups according to the colour of our skins and then determined where we should live. So obviously, the darker your skin was, the worse off you were in South Africa, and that really didn't change for many, many years.

Tash South:

So I grew up in this way in this country up until I was 13 years old, and many people find that quite shocking because they think anything like this belonged back in the days of perhaps their grandparents or great grandparents. But this was my childhood. This is how I grew up. So my family, because we were brown, we were assigned a geographical area or geographical areas within the country, within Cape Town, that we were allowed to live, and to live anywhere else would be essentially illegal, particularly to live somewhere that was better than you deserved according to the government. You deserved according to the government.

Tash South:

And so I'm getting into all of this because I think this is where a lot of my childhood shame comes from, and it's it's not even like it's particularly shame, but it's a a dissatisfaction of how we were made to live and where we were made to live, because the places we were allocated to live were not nearly as nice as where white people were allowed to live. And then, of course, south Africa it's Africa. It had a majority of black people, but they were allocated the worst geographical places to live, and when I think back to this, I always think, well, how did I even end up where I am now living in a completely different country, in a very beautiful area, in a really nice house. What spurred me on? Was it that childhood shame and that restriction that spurred me on to make a better place to live for myself and for my family, and I think this is why I find this subject so interesting, because I have, or I had, that fire inside of me to change things and I also always love to know what that is in other people. Why do they want to live the way they live? Why do they want to live where they live? So I'd like to explore more about that in podcasts to come maybe, but for this podcast I really want to go into kind of what we can do to try and heal that childhood shame and to change things for ourselves and to make our homes better than than what we had, and why we want to do that.

Tash South:

So in south africa, we were just so separated. We were separated in every single way because of the color of our skins, our education, our housing, our recreation, every aspect of our lives separated. My father was a car mechanic, so obviously he would repair vehicles and most of his clients were white clients who lived in these better parts of the city. And I remember as a young child every now and then we'd accompany him as a family to drop off these vehicles back to the clients after they'd been repaired. And I don't know if you remember this is something you did when you were younger, but it kind of doing a family drive or a Sunday drive was always a big thing. So it was kind of a version of that, except incorporating a bit of work as well and dropping off these vehicles.

Tash South:

And so I remember being quite young being in the back seat with my sister. Usually my dad would be driving the car that had been repaired and then we'd be following in a car behind, so we'd drive kind of together up into the hills through these beautiful places. And so I just remember those days so clearly sitting in the back seat, being really young, with my sister next to me, peering out of the car windows, and then just looking out at the windows at a glimpse of just how our paler skinned fellow citizens lived, and I mean it was beautiful. It's Cape Town is such a stunning place and I just remember taking it all in, sitting there looking up at the lights filtering through the trees and so many trees, and they lived on hills and there were views of the ocean, views of the mountain, and I just remember how beautiful it was in comparison to where we lived. And then inevitably we'd stop outside, a gorgeous home with green lawns, loads of trees, always a swimming pool, and my dad would get out, go into the house, we'd wait in the car, wait for him to come back out and we'd all drive back home together. But I remember one time he'd gone in to speak to the client and tell the client that he was back to deliver the vehicle.

Tash South:

And I remember being in the car with my mother and every time we did this I could sense her upset, her anger almost. I mean, my parents had experienced so much more inequality than I had. For them it lasted their entire lives. For me it lasted up until my teenage years. And so she'd say, oh, wow, look how beautiful this is. I always remember her saying. And then in the next breath she'd say but some of these houses were taken from us Because, between 1960 and 1983, over three and a half million non-white South Africans were removed from their homes and then forcibly relocated to these allocated areas and these racially segregated areas.

Tash South:

So my parents they had family members who this had happened to. It hadn't happened to them, but it had happened to my grandparents and their cousins or aunts or other people they knew, and happened especially amongst the the coloured and the mixed race groups in Cape Town and many family members were forced then to live separately and in areas really far away from one another. And then, after my dad had dropped off the vehicle, as we drive home we drive down back down the hill, down past gated mansion after gated mansion and we'd look down at the spectacular sea views, and we drive home to our delegated flat, dusty part of the city and I remember it was. There were areas that were particularly dusty and just kind of a soulless and grey that we had to drive through and to me that always, that dustiness, always reminded me of the colour of our brown skin and it's kind of a memory that really sticks with me sitting in the back of a car as a child, looking at my hand and thinking how that looked, just like the dust and the areas that we were forced to live in.

Tash South:

So, as you can imagine, growing up in this way in this very, very unusual way, really affected how I thought about home as both a country, but also as our actual home, our actual property. Also as our actual home, our actual property. Even though our parents did the absolute best for us, they did whatever they could do. We had a really lovely house in the area that we were allowed to live in, but that freedom was taken away from them and my parents and from us to choose where we wanted to live. So I think that really affected my idea of home and country as home and I always say to this day I don't feel like I quite belong anywhere. So many people have this really grounded feeling of where they belong and home as a country and being patriotic, and I think what this did to me and to many others like me it kind of stole that from us. I never felt like it was a country that loved me. It was a country that I loved, but it didn't love me back. It just had this history of indignity and humiliation and racial discrimination. How could that not affect your childhood feelings about what home means?

Tash South:

Something that I also clearly remember is when I was around 13, 14 years old. Remember is when I was around 13, 14 years old, apartheid was starting to be broken apart and abolished and was coming to an end and suddenly, when I was 13, I was moving from primary school to secondary school and all of my primary school years I was in a racially segregated school, for coloured only children, for brown children only, and then suddenly, literally overnight, we were allowed to then go to what were previously white only schools. So suddenly I was thrust into this new school which was suddenly more racially diverse, but I was still in the minority. But what I want to talk about here is actually the buildings and the primary school I was at. Again, it was dusty, it was an old building. I mean, there was no grass at all. I don't remember a single blade of grass or lawn to play on at that school. It was kind of tarmac, it was hard, it was harsh, it was dusty.

Tash South:

I think we had one tree in the playground and suddenly I was allowed to go to this school which was was previously, you know, not an option for people of my colour, and this school was stunning and it was many floors, it had wide, bright hallways, huge windows, double height kind of entranceway hallway with these double staircases going up and floor to ceiling windows. In this entranceway it had the most amazing green fields, cricket fields. It had tennis courts, it had a swimming pool. It had a river at the back with weeping willows drooping into it and I just remember how different that made me feel, how being in that claustrophobic, dusty school made me feel not worthy, made me feel not as good. But suddenly, when I was in this light-filled, clean, bright, spacious building with green surroundings, how different I felt as a person, as a student, how much more willing I was to learn, I think. And so I just think about all of these things and how they have affected so many of us, and some to this day still do not have that opportunity even at that school because suddenly, overnight, when it became a more open, diverse school, that's when they started introducing school fees, whereas before it a lot of these schools were free for white children only. So lots of people still don't have the option of experiencing that.

Tash South:

But I think that's why I'm so interested in how our homes and the buildings that we live in, that we learn, in that we work, in the effect it has on our well-being, on our, our psychology, and so it just really is such an interesting subject to me. I would love, love to delve even deeper into this subject because I think coming from this history and this place is actually what has made me so, so passionate about homes and design and how they should work and function for us, Because I've had that drastically different experience of learning in one place and then being moved somewhere completely different. That completely changed how I saw things and how I wanted to learn and what was possible in future. And then you know you can't help but think how that affects the wider aspects of society. So if everything is so segregated and you only have access to certain things in the poorer communities, that affects everything. I mean all of your opportunities are affected. So, for example, during the apartheid regime, if the darker your skin, the the lower level of education you had access to, for example, and then if you think about how that affects the whole rest of your life and the community and society as a whole and we still have this today where in different sections education is restricted or not as good, which means economic opportunity is restricted and not as available, and jobs and housing is affected, so it really affects everything in society as a whole, which really does sadden me as to the damage that did to the country.

Tash South:

And so I do think that coming from this background really has what's made me so, so driven about this subject and about our homes, because home really is the place you should feel free, you should feel comforted, you should feel supported, should be the place you thrive in. And sadly, just so many of us don't even have that today still, and I also think that that unfairness of growing up in that way gave me this strange sort of drive to to escape it, to achieve the things that regime told me I could not have. I guess I'm a bit of a quiet rebel. I just kind of strove to get the jobs they said I couldn't have. To. Get the home they said I couldn't have to live in the area they said I couldn't live in, be it in a completely different country. Live in the area they said I couldn't live in, be it in a completely different country. But I feel like I have escaped it and I feel like I can feel the difference in where I live now.

Tash South:

And so every day I wake up at home and I do feel grateful. I feel grateful for what we've built as a family. I feel grateful for waking up in London every morning. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's cold, and lots of people have so many negative things to say about London, but I love how diverse it is, for a start, because that's something I did not experience as a child, growing up in such a diverse way. It does have its issues I spoke about having the riots, the race riots last year but as a whole, I think many of us, as people of colour, as immigrants, feel much more comfortable in bigger, diverse cities, and I think that's why I love London, and when people have negative things to say about it, I will always defend it.

Tash South:

And that is a very long preamble, um, but I would say, going back to the subject of this episode, I feel like if I were to dig deep to try and find what my actual shame was and my childhood shame that was connected to my home, it would be that I didn't have the freedom, my family didn't have the freedom to choose where they wanted to live. It's that they were told where to live. They were allocated a lesser than place than others, a worse place to live, and I feel like, as I grew up and as apartheid slowly dissipated and I started making friends of all different colours and all different races, that then that awkwardness of living where we did and inviting people over to our house when they may have come from a better area of the city could be quite awkward. And then also the awkwardness of me going to their homes because suddenly when I was 13, 14 years old, making friends, I was invited into those homes. We saw those gated mansions that we drove by when my dad used to drop those cars off and I finally got to see inside them. And the awkwardness sometimes of walking into a home like that and then seeing that the only other person of colour there was the help or the maid or the gardener. And I think those all kind of still make me feel uncomfortable sometimes when I see it.

Tash South:

So I think that is is where my kind of childhood shame connected to home lies. I think many of us have our individual shame and the trauma that we deal with, and some of us every day and and in working with so many people on their homes over the years, I've always been really deeply interested in if or how that affects how they want to make their home kind of why they come to me, why they live where they live, why they want to include certain things in their home. I would love to explore how those are all connected. I know it certainly has affected how I've chosen to make my home and I say make a home intentionally, because it's not only the functionality and the aesthetics of a home that I'm talking about here, but it's also the, the values and the little rituals that we decide to kind of keep within our four walls and that we instill in our families. So in this episode I want to explore how we can design our homes and what we can bring into them to try and relieve some of that childhood shame that some of us may still be carrying and that trauma. And I think perhaps even as adults we have shame and trauma that we we've experienced or that we're struggling with. And I think that home is such a special place and there are things that we could do to to rebuild that for ourselves and reframe it all. So in this episode I want to go over four things that I think we could do in our homes to to do do that for things we can consider when planning and building our homes to make a better place for us as we grow older.

Tash South:

So the first thing I would suggest is to create a safe space for self-expression. So shame usually thrives where self-expression is stifled. But as an adult, you can make your home a place where your identity is celebrated and your personality is celebrated, and you are free to have your home exactly as you want it. And I think ways you can do this is to bring elements into your space that really reflect who you are, whether that be artwork or books or colour or objects. They might reflect your heritage. They might reflect something that's special to you or a person that's special to you, or even a place that's precious to you. So a place that you've visited or a place where you've had really good experiences is to bring elements of that into your home through photos and books and colours and art or furniture. Even so, there's so many ways you could do this to create a home that feels safe, where you can express yourself, whether that be creatively or personality wise.

Tash South:

And then the second way, I think, is to prioritise comfort and security, because many people who have had traumatic childhoods or experiences in the childhood grew up in homes that felt chaotic or unsafe. But you can change that. As an adult, your home can offer the emotional and the physical security that maybe you didn't have access to as a child. This could be something really simple like creating a cozy atmosphere that makes you feel comfortable. Warm, using textures, warm lighting, cozy furniture All of these things can create a really warm, welcoming atmosphere and that also give a feeling of safety and belonging. I mean physically simple things like having good security or locks on your doors and windows. I've had clients before who really want to go all out on the security and I feel like sometimes that can be linked to having had a bad experience as a child or even as a grown-up. If someone's been burgled before or something bad has happened in the home, those things that we might think are silly or just practical can actually add to that feeling of security for that person and make quite a big difference in their lives and in the way that they feel in their homes.

Tash South:

And then also going back, going back to that cozy feeling, I once had a client who I'd suggested that they have wooden shutters on their windows and she really didn't want shutters, she wanted curtains. And she couldn't quite explain to me why she wanted curtains. But I think it for her. She just kept saying I want that feeling of of drawing the curtains. I love drawing the curtains, I just want to draw the curtains and I think for me it was the feeling of softness, the feeling of warmth, the feeling of actually physically having that action of drawing the curtains every evening and kind of shutting out the rest of the world and just exhaling and going oh, this is mine, this is my home, the curtains are shut, the world is out there and I'm in here and I feel safe and cosy in here. Now and I just always think back to that and how that struck me, about how insistent she was in the curtains. But she couldn't explain why. But she could explain the feeling and the action of shutting everyone out at the end of the day.

Tash South:

Another one on this point is, I think, clutter. I think people who have grown up in chaotic or cluttered or messy spaces, when they finally get to build their own home, they kind of almost go the opposite. And again, I'm so interested to know. I'm'm not a psychologist, I don't know all the psychology behind this, but I really would love to know if that's a reason people sometimes are super tidy and they don't like clutter about. I'm definitely one of those people where clutter around my home really makes my brain hurt. I can't properly function if things are too messy or too cluttered. I need to clear up first before I can think straight, and I think lots of people who have had some childhood trauma do have that. That. They do have that. They do want to have a clear space and an organized space. I think maybe it's got something to do with with a certain amount of control over your life, whereas if you were a child you didn't have control over that. But I think again, if that is something that makes you feel comfortable and secure is to have a more minimal home and less clutter, then that is something that you can build for yourself.

Tash South:

And then number three, the third point here that I think is good is that you can recreate what you didn't have, and I feel like I do feel like this is what I've perhaps done. I mean, for me, now I'm living in a country so far away from my own country, in a home so different to what I grew up in. I feel like I have recreated what I wasn't allowed to have by the government at the time, and I feel like I'm not unique in that. I feel like lots of people do this and I think a lot, especially as immigrants. We, we want to make things better than we have had in the past, and so I think this is something that people, if they have the means, if they have the opportunities, this is something that they can do to really heal a lot of what happened in their childhood, to just try and make things better for the next generation, for their children, than what they had. And you can do this in a big way, like I did. You could move countries, you could build an entire house to try and heal yourself from that. Or you can do this in smaller ways. You can recreate what you didn't have just within your four walls. You can recreate the feeling of warmth and security, if you didn't have that as a child. You can recreate the feeling of safety for yourself and for your family, if that's what you didn't have. You can recreate simple things like a family dinner on the table every night, if that's what you didn't have. So you can do this in big ways or small ways. And then, finally, number four I think this is quite a lovely one is that you can build spaces for connection and joy.

Tash South:

In researching for this episode, I came across this article by this woman called Susie Moore, and she'd written this article about how hosting dinner parties helped her to heal her childhood shame, and that really, really connected with me because she talked about when she was growing up as a child. Her mum was a single parent and they lived in all sorts of social housing or they lived in shelters, and so she never actually had a stable home and she never, ever could invite her friends over and she would always go to her friends homes and see how they lived and see how they had these beautiful homes and they had family dinners and they hosted and she just thought I could never do that because we don't even have a stable home, and that was, that was her shame. And then she obviously grew up. She became quite successful, but in the article she still talks about how she had this obsession with having everything absolutely perfect whenever she invited anyone over, because she had this, this feeling of childhood shame, and she felt like she wasn't ready to invite anyone into her home unless everything was absolutely perfect, and the reason she wanted everything to be perfect is because she didn't want to risk exposing her that imperfect as she saw it part of her life when she was a child. I just found this so interesting and she realized it was a problem for her, and the article's all about how she started inviting guests over more on a, on a casual basis, not on such a per, not on the basis that everything had to be perfect and she needed three months to plan the dinner party. She would just invite people over and started doing impromptu dinners and meetups and just coming over for a quick meal and a glass of wine, but she talks about how that actually helps helped her because she wanted the connection. She wanted the connection with seeing her friends and seeing the people. It wasn't so much about the dinner party, it was about her wanting that connection with people again, with the people that she enjoyed spending time with and that she loved. And this article really, really touched me. And I found this article so interesting because she discovered that her friends were not coming to her home for a Instagram perfect experience. They were coming to her home to see her perfect experience. They were coming to our home to see her and to spend time with her, and so I think this is something that we could all do in our homes if we want that connection and that joy is to have a space in our home where we can do this.

Tash South:

For me at home, it's my open plan kitchen and having a big dining table. I've always wanted a really big dining table and since we live in the place we live in now, this is the first time I've actually had the space for one, and I think again, if we take this back to childhood, I recall my parents always whenever we invited anyone over, it was always a lot of people, and I feel like that is something I didn't miss out on and that is something I wanted to create in my own home is to invite people in, and I think, especially because I grew up in such a segregated and divided country, I've come to a place in my life where the people that I really want to spend time with, the people that we do invite over for dinner parties and into our homes, those are the people that we want to spend time with, those are the people that we share the same values with, the people that we connect with, and those are the people I want to invite into my home, and the beautiful thing about it here in London is that it is so different to how I grew up. Now, when we invite people over for dinner, there can be anybody that we choose to have over. They can be a diverse group, they can live in any area they want to live in. They can be from any country, because we have so many different nationalities here in London. And to me, that is the beauty of what I've built and that is what I've done in my own home to build a space for connection and for joy, bringing people together, having some space, being lucky enough to have some space to do that Because I always say what you know, what is the point, what is the point of working so hard?

Tash South:

You know doing life, working so hard, especially in, you know, modern day times where our lives are so hectic and so busy For me, lives are so hectic and so busy. For me, the time to for healing and connection and joy is those times where we can have people over. We can talk, we can laugh together, we can share stories, we can share a meal together, and you don't have to have a big dining table to do that, but you can build a space into your home that feels good to you that you want to invite people into, that you love to connect with, and I think that's a great place to end this unexpectedly long episode. Everybody home should be a place where you can feel safe, you can thrive, you can connect, you can reflect, you can relax. It just has so many meanings and it is so important in the world. I think everything in society stems from everybody having a good, safe home, and I hope you enjoyed this episode.

Tash South:

It was a very long one. Hope you got here to the end, but I really enjoyed doing this one. It was um a difficult one, I have to say. It's a difficult one to put together. I recorded it in, I think, four different sections because I had to keep stopping and I will obviously splice all the sections together, but I did enjoy doing it and I hope you found value in it.

Tash South:

And what I would love to say is I would love to talk to you about if you've had any of these experiences, if you have any childhood shame or trauma, and if you now have your own home. How or what have you done in your own home to try and heal those? I would absolutely love to speak to you. Please drop me a line, contact me on the socials or just email me at hello at southplacestudiocom. I promise you I will respond personally, but I'd love to talk to you about that and, who knows, maybe you can even come on an episode and we can talk through this subject even more, because I do find it absolutely fascinating. That's it for this episode, guys. I hope you enjoyed it and I will see you in the next one. Bye for now.