How To Renovate

EP72 How To Renovate Without A Divorce

• Tash South

Share episode

Send us a text

 
Hi my lovely renovators!
Today, we're diving into something I don’t talk about often but is absolutely crucial—how to survive a renovation with your relationship intact. It’s a little tongue-in-cheek, sure, but the emotional strain of renovating with a partner is very real, and after years of navigating this both personally and professionally, I’ve got a lot to say.

From design and budget disagreements to decision fatigue, today I’m sharing some strategies I use to help couples make it through the chaos—still liking each other at the end. 

Listen solo or together, and let’s set your renovation (and relationship) up for success.

What You'll Learn:

  • Why design disagreements don’t mean relationship doom
  • How to create a shared renovation vision that reflects both your personalities
  • Avoiding “renovation resentment” and the mental load imbalance
  • Smart strategies for making design compromises (without giving in completely!)
  • How to emotionally prepare for what’s coming—dust, delays, and all

Resources Mentioned:
Free Renovation Planning Checklist

Sequence of a Successful Renovation - Free Video Lesson

*******************


Hi I'm your host, Tash South I'm an Interior Designer and Renovation Consultant, and I'm here to help you design, renovate and style your home better. Let's create your dream home together.


Each episode of How To Renovate is short, but brimming with practical advice to help you manage your renovation project with confidence and success.

Grab some more renovation advice & free resources and become part of the South Place Studio Renovation Community at
https://www.southplacestudio.com/freebies

Everything I teach about renovation falls within my Five Pillar Process for A Successful Renovation, to learn more about the process, head to
https://www.southplacestudio.com/pillars


Or if you want to get social, you can find us here:

Instagram: @southplacestudio

Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/company/south-place-studio

Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/southplacestudio

Tash South:

Hi my lovely renovators. Today we are getting into the emotional side of renovating. Today we're talking about how to get through a renovation without getting a divorce. A bit tongue-in-cheek there, and I don't talk about it much, but seriously, it is such a big part of renovating, and it is something that I have secretly and unexpectedly had to become really good at being able to manage these situations between partners and try and almost counsel people through decisions so that they both still love it and they're both happy or they will compromise. So I tell you what, I was not expecting that when I went into this field of interior design and of home renovation, but here we are. So I thought I'd do an episode on this because I think if you're renovating with a partner, it's going to be really useful for you. And perhaps it's great if you both listen to the episode together or separately, or even if you listen on your own and you have a tricky partner to deal with when it comes to renovations and decisions. I hope that this episode will help you. So let's get into it. So I've renovated lots of homes, which I talk about a lot on the podcast. So some of those I've renovated with my husband, so we've done numerous projects together. Generally, I'm you know dealing with the project and he has his own work, but you know, still it's tricky at some points. I'd be dealing with our own renovation or two, I'd also be dealing with one or two client renovations at the same time, and then all of the people that are more widely involved in all of those renovations as well. So it's a lot of relationships to manage in terms of relationships between partners, but also relationships between the client and their builder or their tradespeople. But for this episode, I want to focus on that relationship between partners. So I've renovated a lot of homes with my husband now. We do some of our own renovation projects, but of course, also I'm working with clients at the same time. So at any one point, I can have between one and four or five renovations happening at the same time. So you can imagine that's quite a lot of renovations and quite a lot of relationships to deal with and to manage. I don't quite know how my husband and I have got through so many renovations together. I know sometimes just doing one renovation between partners can be really difficult, but I think just because we've done it so many times, we're kind of on the same page about most things, and we've found a rhythm of our understanding of how we work through a renovation together. But I know for people who don't do it often, it can be really daunting and it can cause, as you can imagine, so many arguments and so many disagreements. And so in this episode, I really wanted to look at that and hopefully help a few people move through their renovation a little bit more smoothly if they are married or in a partnership with somebody. Because you know, I really think nothing quite reveals your your differences as when you're coming into a renovation and you have to make decisions like choosing a bathroom tile together or the kind of flooring you like or the colour on the walls. Oh my goodness, the amount of disagreements I've had on colours on walls, and so there's just there's so many decisions to make. I think that's the core of it, isn't it? There's so many decisions to make, and if you're doing it with someone else, all of those hundreds of decisions have both of you have to agree on, and so you're doing it over and over and over again, and of course you're not going to agree on everything. So I think that's why renovations are so hard for relationships, but you know, it doesn't have to be that way. Let's talk about how you can approach your renovation, what you can do, so you can come to it with a bit of strategy, a bit of empathy, and of course, sense of humor counts for a lot as well. So let's get into it. I want to talk about five key things that you can do to help you get through your renovation without divorcing. Let's go. Let's look at number one. Your design differences don't necessarily have to mean relationship doom. So my top tip here is to talk about things before. Do not wait until you're coming to the decision in the showroom to talk about what you do and what you don't like. You really have to talk about it way before then. So if you discuss with your partner kind of at a planning stage, at the point where you're talking about your innovation, start talking about the design things then. So they start to get an idea of what you like, or perhaps already you live together, you have certain things that you like, you see certain things that they like, and so you kind of have a feeling for where this is going to go, right? And you can start to prepare for that, start to think about you know, where can those compromises come? Where are there some common things that you like that you can bring into your new home design? So it's really important to know one another's preferences before you start making decisions. Because if you don't, obviously you're going to choose completely different things, and then it's going to be really hard to bring those two things together if they don't naturally go together or they don't work well together. So thinking about it before is key here. And you know, perhaps sometimes see that as a creative challenge. I actually love doing this sometimes because if one partner loves something so much and the other one really doesn't like it at all at all, I find it quite a challenge to find something that they will agree on that brings both of those elements together. So for example, it could be something like pink. Let's say one person really loves pink and they want to paint the whole room pink and the other one hates pink. What can you do? Think about ways that you can bring that in that still works for both, so that both will feel comfortable in the space because I mean it's not great if you don't like pink, and all of a sudden you've got to spend every single night of your life sleeping in a pink bedroom. That's not great for either person, really, and not great for the relationship. So think about ways you can approach that, ways you can compromise. Some ways I might approach that is to say, well, perhaps we don't put pink on all the walls, perhaps we bring some pink in in a pattern on the fabric on the curtains or the drapery. Maybe we find something a bit more masculine with a pink in, whether that might be a marble countertop with some pink woven into the veining of the marble that we could use in the ensuite, perhaps, or in the room elsewhere, or a fireplace around. Perhaps there is a piece of furniture you can bring in with a pink, but that still works more with a different colour that's not as feminine. So there are definitely ways you can work together with the two different options, but the point of this is to know those before so that you can be ready and you can prepare and you can see them as a creative challenge, not as an argument. So, next up number two, have a shared renovation vision. So I think this is really important, and this is also if you have your renovation vision and you come to it together, you talk about it together, you plan it together, then point one, all of that will come up in the discussion already. So you'll get to a really good point of knowing what you're getting, knowing where which person's decisions are going to go when you sit down and plan your renovation vision together. So let's get practical here. Let me give you some ideas of what you can actually do. So when I go to work with clients, whether they are a single person or whether they are in a partnership, I always get them to fill out a really detailed questionnaire. And if they are in a partnership, I actually ask them to do it together so that they have this, they have this shared renovation vision together, and it forces them to discuss their dislikes and their differences and then put one answer down on the sheets. So this questionnaire will contain hundreds of questions, but it will be things like which style of cabinetry do you like, which colours do you like, which colours do you not like, you know, what is important to you in your renovation, what is your priority? Just question after question after question that really drills down and clarifies for them and for me, if I'm taking on the project, where to move forwards and how to move forwards with their project. And I think if you if you do this step it with or without an interior designer or renovation consultant, do this for yourself. Sit down together, perhaps you know, have a date night, go out for a glass of wine, go out for a coffee, and get some questions ready and go through them together because it is going to expose your differences and it's going to force you to discuss them and hopefully come to a compromise or an idea of how they can work together. And you know, when you're doing this, it won't only clarify in terms of style and what your home looks like, but also really get deep and talk about why you're renovating. What do you actually want from this renovation? Why are you spending all this money? What is it you want improved in your home and therefore in your life? And you know, this is not only about style and what the place looks like, it's about lifestyle as well. It's about what you want from this renovation. Why are you spending all this money? Which changes do you want? Do you want to host more in your home? Do you want to have people over for dinner? Do you want calmer mornings? Do you want a more organized home? You simply want a larger space because you are growing your family, or you want a home gym, or you're working from home. What are the core things that you want from this renovation? And do you agree on them? That is key. So really sit down and take the time to do this. And yet another practical thing you can do is to do a mood board. So I've talked about mood boards a lot. Some people see them as a bit frivolous, but I still maintain that nothing clarifies for me more what a client wants than seeing a mood board or seeing some images of what they have in their mind of what they want their home to look like or what they want to achieve from their home. So another idea is to do that together. Both of you pick out some images of things that you love, put them on the same piece of paper, the same electronic document, whatever it may be. See if they work together, see if they correlate. Because if they don't, again, you'll have to go back to that creative drawing board and try and figure out how either one of you will compromise or how you will make those two looks work together. And again, it's not only about looks, it's about their function, it's about what you want from your lifestyle. So I really do encourage you to do this point, just go and clarify that vision together. Now moving on to number three, this is quite a big one actually, and this is to avoid renovation resentment. And I think we all know how much work it is to take on a renovation. If you're not having a project manager or renovation consultant or an interior designer to help you out, to help you order, to help you organize, plan, do timetables, keep on top of the communication with a contractor. There's so much to do. And if that's going to be falling to one person unexpectedly, that is going to create resentment. And so you really need to think about this up front and talk about it. Don't just let one person carry the mental load of all of this and also the physical load of how much work it actually is, because it's a lot, it can be a lot. So talk about that up front. Perhaps one person is happier to take on that role. Perhaps you know you talk about it and one person's job is more demanding than the others, and so the other one decides that they will take on that extra work, and then you know, you at least you have an understanding from the start, and some people really love it. I mean, that's how I got into this this world into this career, is because we built our house and I loved the process, I loved learning about it so much that I decided to carry it on into my work, and so think about who it suits, who has the time, and that both people agree on it so that it's not just automatically falling to somebody who doesn't want that responsibility. It's really important to talk about that. Or if you know you're going to share, are you going to share the load? If you are, who who takes on which responsibilities? It's a proper job. You need to think about and write down what each person is in control of. Who will be in control of the ordering, the admin, the payments, who's going to be in control of visiting the showrooms, making the decisions, ordering the samples, making sure the builders are on track. There is a lot to manage and to deal with, and so if you are going to be sharing it, it's also really important to clarify who's doing what because otherwise roles can get confused. One person might think the other person's doing it and they haven't, which can delay your project. So there's a lot to think about here, but it can be quite easily managed with those decisions up front on who's going to be taking on the role, if only one person, or if it's going to be split, how is it going to be split? Who's doing what, and how you manage all of that together. And then moving on to number four, which is be ready for the nitty-gritty and the compromise. When you're innovating, you really have to get into the details of decision making. And so be ready for that. Know how many decisions are going to be thrown your way, and that you have to deal with whether it's separately or together, however you want to approach those decisions. And you may really need to get into the detail of things. It could be something as simple as you know, has one person got a particular piece of furniture that they really love that their grandmother had given to them and they want to keep in the home, and the other person does not. Maybe they don't like the piece or they think it's too old-fashioned for the new home. Really get into the details because you know, all of this can also go back onto the previous point of resentment. So get really into the details. That really is what renovating comes down to. There are so many details to make decisions on, and you have to be ready to make those decisions, and you it also helps to know that it's coming. And then we get on to the compromise. And believe me, there is so much to compromise on if you're doing a renovation with a partner. You really have to try and work with it, make it work together, get both decisions. One person has to give a little here, another person has to give a little there, and there are so many things to compromise on. It could be budget, it could be one person wants to spend more money on the kitchen and the other wants to spend more money on the bathroom. It could be one person wants real wood flooring and the other wants tiles. There are so so many decisions and things to compromise on that could cause disagreements, and so I really want you to think about you know what what are the things that both of you would be willing to compromise on? And you need to have some sort of system or some sort sort of strategy if we disagree, and that strategy could be things like putting forward your best reasoning as why you want to keep that thing, why you want to make that choice, so as to just explain to the other person why it's so important to you. It could mean that if we go back to you know a piece of furniture that's been handed down, you could say, Well, that's got really great sentimental value to me. Perhaps we could put it in a different area, perhaps we could repurpose it, use part of it, paint it, or perhaps one person wants a room painted a really dark colour and the other one's completely disagreeing. Why is that so important that that room is not a dark colour? Does it have a really bad effect on their mental health? Does it make them feel a little bit sad, a little bit depressed, the darkness of it? There might be a really good reason why the other person doesn't want their thing, and you really do have to think about that and compromise because you have to live there together at the end of the day. So to wrap up that section, I would just say be ready for the nitty-gritty to get into the details. Be ready for the compromise and have some strategies in place that you both know about on how to deal with disagreements. I think all of those things are really going to help you here. And then moving on to the last one for this episode, everybody. Number five is to know what's coming. Now, renovation is not only messy in terms of messy for your life, but it's also messy for your head. There's so much to get your head around, so many decisions, budgeting, money, finances, our living situations. So I really recommend that you do some research, you know what's coming, and so that you can plan for it and make it a bit easier for yourself. And really, that's why I do everything I do, that's why I put this podcast together, that's why I create all the materials that I do and all the freebies so you can prepare and you can plan for it. Because emotions, you know, they do tend to run high when our routines are interrupted, and so just be ready for that. So expect the decision fatigue, expect those little moments of you know things being a bit wobbly and not quite knowing what's happening the next day. You will have moments of thinking, oh gosh, why are we even doing this? You will have those moments, but they will pass, and you know, knowing that they're coming will just make it a little bit easier to navigate. And I find that sometimes when people are arguing about the smaller things, perhaps something like the grout colour. Sometimes it's not even down to the grout colour, sometimes it comes down to resentment, sometimes it comes down to just pure old tiredness, decision fatigue, or just feeling like their whole home life is up in the air for a while. So give yourself some grace, give yourself some kindness, give your partner some kindness and some grace too, and you will come to a decision and get through your renovation because delays will happen, your patience will be tested, but you know, the dust will settle and you will be left with an amazing home at the end. So, you know, I know it won't be easy, but try your best to know what's coming and just enjoy it. Laugh, delegate, know when to call a timeout. And you know, if things get really, really tough and you find yourself in a place where you just can't come to an agreement, it really is a good idea to call in a third party. Whether it's someone like me who's a renovation consultant or you can get maybe a friend whose designer you trust, both of you, bring someone in and they might just help ease the decision, they might help the other person see the other one's point of view. But I just want to say make sure it's someone who knows what they're doing or someone you could trust. And if you really come to it, sometimes just that third person can be really helpful. And if you can survive a renovation together, you can survive just about anything. So keep the faith, get through it, and get through to your amazing home at the end. That's it for this episode, everybody. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope there were some great tips here for you to get through your renovation without a divorce. If you need any more help, give me a shout. I love hearing what you're doing, any comments, anything you need help with, give me a shout. Drop me an email, DM me on Instagram, or if you're enjoying the episode so far, why not subscribe to the podcast? If you're enjoying it, you'll be sent updates and also it helps other people to find us. We'd love a review as well if you have just a moment. Thank you so much, and I will see you next week. And just to end off, everybody, if you want some of those resources that can help you get through your renovation together, I've made loads of them for you. You might want to check out my five pillar process renovation planning checklist. So if you go to selfplacestudio.com forward slash freebies, you'll find it there. So this is a great checklist because it will help you do that planning together that I talked about. So before you pick any paint colours or book a builder, there's a lot to get right, and the order you do things in can make or break your renovation. So grab that free PDF copy now, and then that will just give you the confidence of you know how to move through your project. So you have really an overall picture of your whole project before you even start. And then there's also my sequence of a successful renovation. This is a free video lesson, so I'll tell you more about that one at the end of the episode. But you can find both of those at southplacestudio.com forward slash freebies, and I'll link to it in the episode show notes as well. For more information on my five-pillar process for successful renovation, you can go directly to southplacestudio.com forward slash pillars, where you'll find an introduction to the process which covers each of the pillars and what they cover. We also have a number of other free renovation resources. Go now to southplacestudio.com forward slash freebies. I have created some amazing freebies for you there. There is one on the process, like we just said. There is one on um planning permission, there is one on kitchen design, there is another one on lighting planning. Go and check those out. There's so much free information there to help you with your renovation.