The Journey to Freedom Podcast
Journey to Freedom serves as an exclusive extension of the Living Boldly with Purpose podcast series—a platform that inspires powerful transformation and growth. Journey freedom is a podcast hosted by Brian E. Arnold. The Journey to Freedom is an our best life blueprint exclusively designed for black men where we create a foundational freedom plan. There are five pillars: Identity, Trust, Finances, Health and Faith.
The Journey to Freedom Podcast
Overcome Triggers and Build Stronger Connections Finding Your True Self
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Join an inspiring conversation with Dominic Petty, a coach who helps high achievers find deeper purpose. Explore how self-awareness and understanding your Enneagram type can reshape your relationships and life.
What if everything you were certain about wasn't actually true? In this profound conversation, coach Dominic Petty reveals why increasing our self-awareness may be the most transformative journey we can undertake.
Drawing from his upbringing in South Chicago and his evolution from corporate leadership to becoming a coach for high-achievers, Dominic shares how our rigid perspectives often limit our relationships and happiness. "The only true wisdom is to know you know nothing," he reminds us, challenging the certainties we cling to that may be causing unnecessary suffering.
The discussion takes a fascinating turn when Dominic explains how many successful people use insecurity as fuel—constantly chasing external validation through achievements, status, or possessions without ever feeling "enough." This endless pursuit can never satisfy because it fails to address the core issue: how we see ourselves. Instead, Dominic suggests developing radical self-acceptance and understanding our triggers through tools like the Enneagram personality system.
Perhaps most valuable is Dominic's insight that relationships are skills to be developed, not abilities we naturally possess. "You get what you tolerate in this world," he observes, explaining how understanding our boundaries transforms our connections with others. Dr. B and Dominic also explore the differences between therapy and coaching, concluding that while therapy helps resolve past trauma, coaching provides actionable solutions for those ready to move forward.
If you're seeking deeper self-understanding, more fulfilling relationships, or simply wondering why success hasn't brought the happiness you expected, this conversation offers a roadmap to greater consciousness and joy. Connect with Dominic at dominic@innerpeaceadvisor.com or find him on LinkedIn and Instagram @innerpeaceadvisor to continue your journey toward authentic living.
Gain practical insights on overcoming personal triggers and building meaningful connections. Stay tuned for tips on embracing your strengths and living with intention.
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I don't think anyone can spend too much time on trying to get to know themselves better, trying to help them understand that what they're so certain of they shouldn't be so certain of. The only true wisdom is to know you know nothing. He taught me a lot about boundaries. He taught me a lot about standing up for myself. A real big rule that I help other people with is you get what you tolerate in this world. I think what I experienced when I was younger was a lack of consciousness, and so my gift to the world is, I said well, I think if we increase consciousness to a sufficient level, the world gets a lot more pleasant.
Speaker 2:All right, welcome to yet another edition of the Journey to Freedom podcast, and I'm Dr B, I'm your host and just always excited, always excited to be able to talk to new people and find out what it is that they're doing in their lives that are making the world a better place.
Speaker 2:I got to talk a little bit to Dominic before the show and realize he's one of those folks I always talk about living boldly, with purpose, living with purpose. One of the things that maybe you can answer this, as maybe you're telling the story a little bit after is I don't think you can live in purpose and not serve others, and so I don't know if it's possible, if there's a way to do it, but I've been so fortunate on my show I've only, I believe, I had one guest that desired not to serve anybody ever and wanted everybody to serve him. His name was the Kingmaker, and it's one of my shows that I did put it up there, but with a disclaimer that says I don't know where this thought process came from. I don't know how he does it and I don't know how he's successful, but if you want to, I guess, subscribe to his ideology, then knock yourself out, but for me, I have to look at that one and see how it's done.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, even with his wife, he's like you know, she gets to be my wife and I tell her what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and she knows she's going to be a better, she's going to have a better life, because I'm here and I'm like, okay, that's how it works, man. I've been on that train a whole lot.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I've done just about 400 podcasts now, and for all of it, most people want to do something for impact. A lot of people want to do something to serve others, and so, you know, I love the fact that we get to do that. We get it, we get to come together. You were talking about becoming, you know, the person, one of the things that I'm actually starting this next, and for those of you who are watching or listening, and at this time, probably by the time you watch, this we'll have already launched, but I'm actually starting this next and for those of you who are watching or listening, and at this time, probably by the time you watch, this we'll have already launched but I'm starting a community called Becoming the Person Universe, and it's going to be all about folks that are wanting to become that person that I believe got put us on the surf to do, and so, whether we have we have speakers, we have events, we have, you know community that we're doing. We have events. We have you know community that we're doing. We have helping you take action, all that kind of stuff that most of all my podcast folks are grandfathered in, you know, to the to being part of this. So I mean, you get to, you get to be part of the community and, you know, grandfathered in as far as what do we do to help, what do we do to make sure that there's folks out there who want to achieve that, want to win that, want to move forward, and we get to help them be able to do that. So you know, just so cool that you're here today and you get to talk about some of these things.
Speaker 2:I can't wait to hear your story. Like all of our guests, I've asked everybody to tell a story. You know, like I tell all our guests too, you can start whatever in your life that you want to. People love to hear so much about who we are before they get to hear what we do and then they know life will trust us so that we can open that door to be able to either influence, share influence or just make a difference in their life. So thank you for being on today, thank you for taking your time. Dominic happens to be in Germany right now and so it is late, it's not, you know, early, you know in the day, where he's, you know, towards the end of the night, and so to take your time to say hey, I want to be part of this. I just I've been on. I just love the fact that you're willing to do that. So it's your, the floor is yours, let's hear your story, can't wait to hear it, and we'll just chop it up after that All right, beautiful, thank you.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Yeah, I'm not sure how long this will take, but you know, bear with me, you know everyone. So I'll start with where I was born. I was born in Chicago. I've got two older brothers and let's see South side of the city and you know, I guess I'll, I'll, I'll put maybe two place holders, well, a few.
Speaker 1:So, like mom, amazing, incredible, couldn't have been better. Uh, dad, you know, similar, but you know, like good things, you know people need things to work with with within life. Um, and uh, yeah, being the youngest, uh, I guess, uh, there's a certain perspective, you know, I may, may have on life or or other people may have perspectives on, on on the youngest. So, uh, I think a lot of things I would say were normal in the sense that went to school, grade school, mba, went to Wharton in Pennsylvania and did consulting for a bit, did a little bit of tech after that and the last position I had, before I became a coach and just worked for myself, was a director at Leadership and Development Institute for Homeland Security. So this was a place largely that did exactly that leadership development for the senior management and senior executives for Homeland Security and I learned a lot in that position First time in that position had an amazing team, the information being taught there was incredible, and I always felt like we could go a little bit deeper. And so by deeper I mean so we may work on things like, you know, time management and productivity. There's also communication, you know, crucial conversations, many things like that.
Speaker 1:But you know, I was always curious why people had certain like ways of acting or ways of being. You know, some people were just angrier types, or some people had a lot of insecurity, or some people had, like, a lot of anxiety or fear, and so they could actually be, say, like top performers and, at the same time, they could still have these waves of being. That I thought, I guess a couple of things. One did affect their performance in many ways, and the other thing is, I think it prevented them from being a person that they would enjoy more and also others would enjoy interacting with them more. So, as, as my mind will do, I said well, you know, let me, let me see what, what I can do to go deeper. So, uh, I was, uh, blessed enough to be able to get a coaching certification while I was in the same position and at um and shortly thereafter I started, uh, coaching and so at first I just had clients on the side, did that for for many years, um, and you know, then I learned about entrepreneurship, that I learned about, uh, charging clients and I learned about, like you know, marketing and sales and like other stuff, but eventually I went off and did this on my own.
Speaker 1:So largely this is what my primary focus is. You know, I work one on one with people. A lot of people are very similar to the background I had, so these people would be people have done really well at, kind of like, hitting a target, and so they got the education they wanted income, career, maybe, relationship and perhaps they reached a place where they're like, hmm, is this all there is? Or it was like, what well, what else is there to life are? They've got this, these things, but somehow it's like shaking apart and you know they can't get to the next wrong. In terms of their career. They stalled in some ways, r and their relationship their primary one is not one that they're passionate about or they're super interested in. So I mainly help people turn dials A lot of times very subtle things that create dramatic change in their lives and I would say the key to that is a tremendous increase I help them with in self-awareness.
Speaker 1:You know, there's that saying you know, know thyself, and so I don't think anyone can spend too much time on trying to get to know themselves better. So that's one of the big things, and the other thing is trying to help them understand that what they're so certain of they shouldn't be so certain of. So I think another one of these phrases of ancient wisdom is you know. The only true wisdom is to know. You know nothing.
Speaker 2:You don't know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that that I share that gift with everyone. Because I had a huge realization at some point. I said wow, for a guy who's had like a really good education and thinks he knows a lot. You know the real truth now that I think about it is I I don't, I don't know, I don't think about it is I don't know. I think most things I don't know. And so I said, well, let me approach it another way, let me just be present to whatever is happening and then use the information in front of me, say to make decisions or to interact with people. So that's me in a nutshell. I think something might be helpful or maybe something to dig into.
Speaker 1:People might say, well, why coaching, why are you driven to do this type thing? As near as I can tell it, I'm still trying to know myself. So, as near as I can tell, I think there are two primary things. So when I was growing up, going back to my father wonderful man but very strict he had a very black and white view of the world in terms like you know, you do this, you don't do that. So a lot of what I grew up with it was very much thinking like you know the things are right or wrong or this is good or bad, and I definitely found out that that lacked nuance for what I needed in the world to you know, have good relationships to you know, get along with people you know in friendship as well as like personal relationships. And the other thing is one of my brothers, the middle brothers. I'll just say it was a difficult relationship. I mean not a bad guy, but during the time, the younger years, my only real recollection of him is being what people call like a bully.
Speaker 2:Hello, this is Dr B and I want to ask you one simple question what if you died, having never become you Now? I don't mean the version of you that worked the job, raised the kids or chased security. I mean the person God actually designed you to be, the real you, because there's a version of your life that's already been written and it's full of peace, it's full of boldness, it's full of purpose and, of course, it's full of power. But most people, many people, they miss it. They live distracted, doubting, disconnected and deep down, they wonder is this really all there is? But not you, and not today. That's why we created the Becoming, the Person universe. It's a living, breathing community of people saying I want to be who God called me to be, not someday, but right now. So inside, we'll walk you through three levels of transformation. Level one is all about identity, where you finally see yourself clearly and know exactly who you are and who you need to become. Level two is about mastery, where we develop the disciplines to grow. And then, finally, level three is legacy, where your life begins to matter beyond you. And hear me, I want you to hear me clear here this is not a place to passively belong. This is a place to grow, lead and thrive. We even have ways for you to share in the revenue as we grow. Because we believe in building legacy together.
Speaker 2:And I want you to know, the founders and I are praying for you. We have been praying for me. You have been on our hearts. Yes, you have been on our hearts. You're not watching this by accident, and I want to personally invite you to the next info meeting, where we will go over all this community has to offer. All you do is just click the link before you know what to do. But now it's your turn. I want to ask you, to ask yourself what if this is the moment everything changes? What if this is the reason you've been searching? What if all God has been waiting for is for you to say yes, there's a seat for you here, whether you're rediscovering yourself or finally ready to leave a legacy and are ready to contribute. Either way, this is the Becoming, the Person universe, and once you're in, your life will never be the same. So I can't wait to meet you. I can't wait to spend time with you. I can't wait to see you on the other side. So let's go live in that purpose and let's do it together.
Speaker 1:And I must say he's been one of my best teachers in the world. You know, he taught me a lot about boundaries. He taught me a lot about standing up for myself. He taught me like a real big rule that I help other people with is like you, you get what you tolerate in this world. Um, so a lot of things. Um, I think that drive me today.
Speaker 1:I got from him and I think one of the reasons I like coaching and getting into that and I shared with you a little bit before. You know, I feel I'm here to increase consciousness. It's because I think what I experienced when I was younger was a lack of consciousness, and so my gift to the world is, I said well, I think if we increase consciousness to a sufficient level, the world gets a lot more pleasant. And I realized when I was younger, like I did do something I think was really good that a lot of people don't do Like when there's adversity let's say bullies, you know someone gets picked on A lot of times. People say, well, it must be because something I'm doing, and I never thought that for a second. I said I don't know what's going on, but you have some stuff that you haven't resolved and for some reason you want to work that out by taking it out on me, and that doesn't work for me, and so I'm not old enough or strong enough yet to like unwind this. But I'm not going to compound it by assuming like there's something like wrong with me in this picture and I don't know how I came to that conclusion at such a young age. But I can tell you it's definitely very valuable conclusion. I do share that with people, because a lot of times it's amazing People who achieve a lot in life.
Speaker 1:A lot of what they're using very frequently is insecurity as fuel, and so they don't feel that they're good enough, and so that means they need more, sometimes of everything. They need more money. They need more sometimes of everything. They need, um, more money. They need more status, they need a better position, better house, better partner, that type of thing, and so, no matter what they have, they're trying to accrue things external to them to say, well, if I get this thing, and then I'll be okay, surely I'll be worthy at this point, and it's it's, it's a game you can never win. So, um, that's also one of the things I help people with a lot I, I, I help them see the game, or the games that they're playing, and just let it go Um and yes, increase self-awareness and try to pepper in with increasing consciousness. So that's, uh, that's me in a nutshell.
Speaker 2:All right, well, thank you for sharing that. I want to jump back to South Chicago. Uh, you, kind of you, you blew over that, like you know. Cause South Chicago is not, uh, from my understanding. Cause, you know, I've been to Chicago, which I've never lived in Chicago. I even worked in Chicago but I would fly in, stay in a hotel for a week and then come back to Denver, but that was like it was North Chicago, but all the stories I hear is that is a portion of Chicago that may not be the easiest place to grow up, with all the distractions and everything else. That didn't happen. Did you find your childhood to be, you know, just like, would you consider normal, because that's what you knew, compared to what you know now? Or was it you know, or was? Was there some trying stuff that went on while you were growing up?
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know it's. What is that thing we call normal? It's kind of hard to define and I would say whatever I grew up with I thought definitely was normal, so I guess so along the way, I mean I can say things like I did see a tremendous amount of I don't know how to say it. So it's just, yeah, at times I would see, you know, like you know, fisticuffs, violence, you know people going at it and some of that was involved and not too much um, and I also realized, um it it came in that people are raised very differently in different homes. Because I knew what was going on in my home, which was a lot of just, I'd say really good behavior, Because you know my dad and I would observe other kids and you know, very belligerent, very reactive, knew all the language, used it and you know very it was very unsettling to be around them. I'll definitely say that I remember. You know, one time I went to a park with my brothers. My mom dropped us off and like two minutes later I'm getting hit in the head by by some big kid. And I'm not saying this is an everyday occurrence, but you know I still do remember it right now. It hasn't, you know, gone from my understanding. Some neighborhoods, I mean Chicago, it's probably still the same way but they were very particular about like ethnicity. I mean they wanted to know like Black, Polish, Irish, Hispanic, I mean they, yeah, it really mattered. So I remember, while enjoying my bike rides, like you know, some neighborhoods I would get chased out of or you know, I have like rocks thrown and stuff. So, and I want to stress, it wasn't like it was an everyday occurrence, but I will say I did gain a lot of like awareness to say how to navigate Definitely like a big city, how to navigate like different people, you know whole thing, like you know, watch your back, yeah, so so that was was there. Maybe in modern times we might say I could have developed something that we call hypervigilance, so, but in in sure, there was definitely like a good amount of gang activity. But. But what I really want to add to this is what was going on inside my house, completely different, Like my dad was a very much no-nonsense person.
Speaker 1:Like you knew exactly where you stood. With him there was no ambiguity. Really big heart, do it? Um, really big heart, um, and it was also very important to him that you acted like a certain like way, and so, um, I think, another way to say that you know he set a certain certain standard, and so I prefer to meet my dad's standard and then not meet it and deal with those consequences.
Speaker 1:Um, and the other thing is, like both my parents were, were in the house, and so and here's something I think that, um, it's probably my greatest asset in life like with both of my parents, the only thing I understood from them is that they were very happy to have their children. They were enthusiastic parents, Like they embrace the role. They loved spending time with each of us. They didn't play favorites at all, and my mom's, like, main interest for me was she says I just want you to be a good person. Yeah, so it's kind of.
Speaker 1:I mean, when you grow up with those things, I I would go so far as to say it doesn't matter what's going on outside because you're kind of insulated from it. You know I was not going to be running the streets, I was not going to be part of a gang or anything like that, because you know dad wouldn't have stood for that and because they were so present and, like you know, my mom had standards too. You know they. They very quickly said, well, well, why would you be involved with this? All right. So it's like are you like you're not going to do this? And so there was always like a very strong guiding, guiding hand. So, yeah, I mean everything you heard about chicago. Yes, it was still there, and I'm not sure if we're still there, but I think it reached recently like murder capital of the world. I mean, it wasn't when I grew up, but I'm sure those beginnings were there along the way, Not my reality, even though it was the reality.
Speaker 2:It was your community but not your specific reality. I can remember in 1980, we have our family reunion. I don't know why we have a family reunion. We go to Chicago for our family reunion, but that's what we did. Maybe it was 1982. I may have written it before, but it was in that 78 to 83 time. I can remember part of our family reunion was we were in Hyde Park and then we literally went to Caprini Green as part of the tour of Chicago. Why are we here?
Speaker 1:Why are we here?
Speaker 2:It's going to Sears Tower. This is awesome. Why are we going to Sears Tower? Why are we? Why are we? We just got you know, this is how folks live. Like I didn't get it and you know.
Speaker 2:And the reason I ask those questions is I think about identity, right, and I think about the identity that became who Dominic is today based on and I think you alluded to it Like, I have both parents in the home. I have both parents that were home. I had both parents that were present. I had both presidents who knew exactly what we were doing. That shaped your identity more than the community itself. And there's so many people who I guess I don't know if you want to say succumbed, but get so involved in their community because maybe their parents aren't. I bet you knew a whole lot of your.
Speaker 2:You know your friends and the people you went to school with that probably were, you know, had single parents at home that had parents that were out in the streets doing stuff, parents that were, you know, not present, caring, not that they didn't care about their kids, but maybe didn't know how, maybe didn't know that there were other options that their kids could have. You know, like when I took to bruny green. I can't think of. You know why you're there going.
Speaker 2:People here are surviving. This isn't where you know you're thriving, because you know your environment is. Every day. It's like, wow, what's going to happen? Today, compared to you're, you're you're in the same city, in the same vicinity obviously, obviously not at the project housing, but where your dad's saying, okay, we're going to make the best out of whatever the situation is and we're going to have a loving family. We're going to do whatever we need to do, and my kids are going to grow up and go to Stanford, grow, get out, grow and end up at the university, and it sounds like education was super important to them as well. And so maybe talk about your identity a little bit and maybe some of those transitions in your identity throughout your career that helped you become the person who can now coach people about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know it's interesting you say that I don't. I don't think I thought about those terms, particularly at a younger age. Um, I think my identity thinking back to this at a younger age.
Speaker 1:I, I just wanted to be good person, not just good right yeah, yeah, and it wasn't like to be good enough or be worthy. It was more like I uh I'll keep going back to my father was a strong influence. So I wanted, I wanted my dad to think I was good because, um, uh, yeah, he, he took swift action. So, um, there's also an assessment out there, like enneagram, so on that there's nine types on the enneagram.
Speaker 1:I'm a one, and so each of these kind of has a a particular like guiding light, and so the type one is it's to be good, that's, that's, that's what we want, and so that you know, be a good son, be a good student, and so I think that was pretty much like the, the youth. You know, I just just want to, I want to be good. So also, I think, if there pretty much like the youth, you know, I just wanted to be good. So also I think if there were authority figures, I wanted them to like think I was good, and so I think also it gets in there. It's a bit of a facade. I mean, you know, I'm a kid, I'm not going to be good all the time.
Speaker 2:You're attempting to be good. You're not, you know. You're just not doing what everybody else is doing. You're actually, you care, and there's probably guilt if you, you know, do something that you're probably not supposed to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, but there's also the seeds in there. You know we hear about people and their shadow, and so the shadow is basically, you know, the aspects of ourself that you know we don't like. You know we don't want anyone to see, and so, of course, the thing I didn't want people to see was that I did have bad aspects or misbehavior or whatever, and so that's also cause there's nine different types of the Enneagram, so everyone has their particular flavor and like the shadow side of it. And so you know, as an adult, what I ran into at something I said wait a second, like I'm trying to be so hard to be good for all these like different people that I'm being inauthentic, are. You know? There's actually things I want to try that they're not bad. They're just different than what I have been doing, or they may be they're out of line of expectations of other people, and so, yeah, I could actually do some different things that, from a different lens, they're not bad, but they're also not in line with, like you know, what other people say would like care for me to do, and I have to learn to be like okay with that.
Speaker 1:You know I get out in the workforce. You know I'm continuing the same thing. You know the same game. You know I want to be a good employee and so you know, as a type one, it's not necessarily a bad game to play in a very traditional life because you know, good student, good employee, you know there's there's there's payoffs to it. Um, I'd say the downside of that along the way is it can be a life that is somewhat rigid or hemmed in or you know you're not trying different experiences, and then there's a there's a big judgmental side to the type one. You know, if, if you don't work on it, I'd like to say I've worked on it, but since I'm making so many things wrong for myself, I can very easily make things wrong for other people. So I gained awareness on this, understand it. So, like I, I'm not saying don't judge anymore, um, but what I I focus now more is just what I just say discernment, trying to do things with wisdom and not really defining things by like right or wrong or good or bad. It's just just different choices with with different outcomes. So, um, let's see modern time here.
Speaker 1:I'm a coach, so I I do have this identity as as a coach, but I also have come to understand something else. No matter what I I say I am. I know I'm not that, and so if someone says, like what do you do? I can say, like I'm a coach, but in the background, all I know is I think what I really am is a person who's just trying to understand things at deeper and deeper levels, understand things at deeper and deeper levels, and it's.
Speaker 1:I'm at the point where I would say I know there's an objective reality, but I think my ability to perceive it, or other people's ability to perceive that objective reality, is very limited or non-existent. And so, instead of trying to deal with what other people call like true, not true, that's actually a game I don't play. All I know is, when people tell me things, they're telling me things from their perspective and they believe it, and so I'm just focused on trying to understand their perspective. I'm not trying to say, well, you're right or you're wrong, or what you said is true or false. I said, let me just understand it, and so that's more of the identity I am in right now. I don't know what the title of that is, but hey, it's.
Speaker 2:Dr B, and let me ask you something just here real quick. Are you tired of doing the same thing over and over and not getting the results you want? Are you serious about making some changes this year that will impact you in a huge way? Maybe you're putting out content right now and it's not turning into customers. Or maybe you're uploading videos but you're not sure why or how it's even going to help. You know, I've seen a lot of people that are making a whole bunch of cold calls to the wrong people and no one's answering. No one wants to talk to you. It might just be that you're just doing what you've been doing and crossing your fingers, hoping it finally works this year, but let me tell you what. That is not a strategy and it will continue not to work.
Speaker 2:That's why I created the podcasting challenge and it's coming up fast. In just a few days, I'm going to walk you through the mindset, the tool set and the skill set you need to create a powerful podcast. That's right, a podcast. You won't believe what a podcast can do One that builds real value and creates new clients. And if you grab a VIP ticket, you'll get to join me for a daily Zoom Q&A sessions where I'll personally answer your questions and help you tailor everything to your goals. This is your moment. This is your year. Go to thepodcastingchallengecom right now and save your seat. The link is in the show notes and the description. Thank you for watching these podcasts. Now let's get back to the conversation.
Speaker 1:I would say if there's any identity I would give myself, it's that of truth seeker, meaning I'm just trying to understand things as they actually are not the way I want them to be or I need them to be, and just understand them as they are. You know my circumstances as well as other people, and you know that's the main thing I'm trying to help my clients with, and you know they're very much in a reality of they want the world to be a certain way and I just tell them it's not.
Speaker 2:It's not the way that they think it is, and so once they can see it with accuracy, we can make a lot of progress well, and you think that you know, as folks are experiencing, we, we all look from our own vision and from our own perspective and until we actually moved and tried to I remember that I think it was a movie called Viewpoint or something like that I didn't even film in Chicago with that forest, I can't even think of it right now, but anyways, they just they went around with the camera and showed everybody's viewpoint to where they're from, and I think it's until we are able to come outside of our own, you know, because we have our own experiences, so we can't change that.
Speaker 2:But that doesn't mean we can't try to learn from others as to what might be their perspective and try to understand from them and then, like you said, then you can find truth. But you know, I guess I get confused sometimes when people say, well, this is my truth. Well, I mean, that's your perspective. But truth is truth as far as I understand it. I try to think of it as there's things that are true and gravity is true If I throw something off a building, it's going to fall. If you jump off and say, well, I shouldn't really fall because my truth says I'm going to float, well, it might be your truth that you're going to float, but the truth is gravity is going to drop you on the ground and you're going to die.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean the thing is like we want simple solutions, we want the world to be simple, and the thing is we want the black and white, and the thing is there's a lot of grays, or we can say there's millions of colors to use. And when people say my truth, already I know we have issues, because there's, as you said, you don't have a truth, you just have a perspective, and all of us running around on the planet we don't have truths either. We all just have perspectives, and so all we're doing is just sharing perspectives with each other, and so I mean I can't agree. There are facts. I mean, you mentioned gravity.
Speaker 1:I mean maybe a certain thing happened on a certain date, sure, I mean maybe a certain thing happened on a certain date, sure, but I think, if anything, what the Internet has shown us, with so many people online and sharing viewpoints, is that we don't agree on anything, nothing. So, rather than still trying to have that conversation where I try to convince you I'm right, I would just say you know, let, let me hear what you have to say. You know it, it actually goes to. You know, it's it's it's a bit of older management book now, now, but it's it's still valuable, like you know. Seven habits of highly effective people.
Speaker 2:Even Cubbies, yeah.
Speaker 1:You know that one rule. It says seek first to understand than to be understood. And that's the thing. If we just do that, we're good.
Speaker 2:Well, and I don't think you can seek to understand if all you're doing is the talking and you're doing the listening. You know, I always hear that you've got two ears and one mouth. You should use them in that way and then so many of us don't don't really listen to what other perspectives are trying or put ourselves in in those places, which brings me to. And if we're seeking this and and everybody, like you said, everybody you know we don't agree on anything, but yet I believe we're called to be in a relationship, or where should be in a relationship with both. I can't imagine what life would be like if you're out in the middle of the woods by yourself for your whole life. In fact, people who do that come back because they need to be in a relationship.
Speaker 2:So part of the human experience, I believe, is relationship. So how do we do that and do it well? Relationship. So how do we do that and do it well? And I can imagine part of your coaching is okay. So there are relationships and our status is inside of those relationships and how we manipulate our worlds through those. What is your thoughts on deep relationships, surface relationships, all relationships, and you do it in the next three months, it takes you to talk about this.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, I only need 30 seconds. So I think a good starting point is think of it as like skill building. So you know, every everything we have in our life is typically the result of some set of skills. If we can ride a bike, we learn to ride a bike. We spent time learning how to ride a bike. If we know how to swim, same thing. If we're being compensated for a job, particularly if we're highly compensated, then we have a tremendous skill stack. And so to have a good relationship, it's a skill stack. And so to have a good relationship, it's it's a skill stack.
Speaker 1:And so, you know, one might say, well, what is that, that skill stack? And I would say, you know, first of all, realize, like, no one's taught to have good relationships, so just assume you don't have it. Or assume that you actually suck at relationships. Assume you're bad, like you know you wouldn't jump in the ocean without learning how to swim and say, like I'm probably going to be great at it. You know, you say, no, let me life preserver. You know work with someone, and so, like, if you assume you're bad at relationships, then I think you're in a much better place because you can say okay, well, how do I get competent? How, okay, well, how do I get competent, how do I get good? And so, um, we mentioned it before self-awareness, so the more you know yourself.
Speaker 1:And so why would that help? Because we all will have what we call triggers in relationship. Um, so when we get triggered, our self-awareness understands why we would get triggered. So I mentioned my enneagram. I'm type one.
Speaker 1:So anything where someone reflects back to me or they give me an impression that they don't think I'm good, I can have this trigger and get angry and I can say, well, I feel threatened, like how, how, how dare you question my character? How dare you tell me, like my work is not not good enough? You know, and though you know, the mistake would be for me to start attacking them or saying, like you know, you're a difficult person, or like I, I don't care to be around you, or, like you, you have these type of issues. It would just be able to say, okay, well, I'm triggered and this is for me to deal with. And this is part of my childhood stuff where, you know, I'm trying to be good for, like my father in school and whoever else, and I also get to let it go. So I think that's a very good thing in relationships.
Speaker 1:It's like you're going to feel discomfort and understand that discomfort you're feeling like you're the source of it.
Speaker 1:It's not the other person You're the one creating, like the feelings source of it.
Speaker 1:It's not the other person, you're the one creating the feelings inside of you.
Speaker 1:And so, to the extent that they're uncomfortable, just understand that this friendship, this relationship, they're mirroring back to you, they're showing you you in a way that you can use to be really helpful for yourself to figure out how to be less triggered, that you can use to be really helpful for yourself to figure out how to be less triggered. And so the more you know yourself, the more you know your triggers, the more you understand how to diffuse your triggers, which means inherently you're a much more pleasant person to be around. So in relationship, you don't want the other person or other people to carry the burden of your unresolved issues. So if, if you know like you're quick to anger, or you know that, like you have a lot of anxiety, or you know that you're very judgmental, or some people they say I'm a lot to handle, like, so if you know you're a lot to handle, work on yourself until you're a pleasure to handle, you're a pleasure to be with, and then that's when you're going to have really harmonious relationships.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, there's so much to impact in some of the things you just said that I kind of want to go deeper with. But first, for those of you who continue to hear Dominic talk about the Enneagram, which is the great personality test, I believe that you can go online and there's ways to take it. One which they call a reformer or maybe even a perfectionist, somebody who, you know, wants everything it says. The core fear is being bad, wrong or corrupt. The core desire is to be good, ethical and right, and then integrity and improvement are part of it. I happen to be a number two, which is what they call a helper or a giver. I'm a two of seven.
Speaker 2:Almost equally you core fear is being the ones who are involved, or desires to feel loved and needed and motivated by helping others. The three is what they call an achiever or performer. Their core fear is being worthless or failing, or feeling that worthless. Then the core desire is to feel valuable and successful. The desire is to feel valuable and successful and the motivation is to achieve status and admiration. There's only nine, so I'll get through them really quick.
Speaker 2:The individual list is the romantic person. That's number four. Their fear is being insignificant or having no identity, and their desire is to find themselves and their great significance. Their motivation is expressing uniqueness and authenticity. Number five is what they call an investigator or an observer. If core fear is being overwhelmed or incapable, the desire is to be capable and competent and the motivation is understanding self-sufficiency. Then they have what they call the loyalists, which is the guardian. Their core fear is being without support or guidance. Their desire is to feel secure or supported, and the motivation is safety, loyalty and preparedness.
Speaker 2:Seven is the enthusiast. This is the other half of me. The fear would be being deprived or in pain. The desire is to be happy and satisfied and motivation is enjoying life, avoiding pain and seeking excitement. Then they have number eight, which is the challenger or protector. Their core fear is being controlled or weak or desire to be independent and strong, and the motivation is to control power and protection to self and others. And then the last one is what they call a peacemaker or a mediator, and their core of fear is conflict and disconnection. Their desire is inner peace and harmony and they avoid conflict almost at all costs. Keeping peace and merging with others is what they do, and so if that gives you a little bit of insight for those listening that haven't heard of this thing. That is what he's talking about. I'm a number one. He is talking about his status in that personality test and something A really good one to go out there and do.
Speaker 1:Thank you for the summary of that. I'm glad you put it out there. It's one of the top tools I use with people oh, is it Okay? Yeah, and to add to your like well, how do you have a good relationship? Well, self-awareness, know your Enneagram type and if you can know your partner's Enneagram type, because then you can see, oh, this is where our wounds start to battle each other. So we can just step out of the game we're playing and just say, hey, you know, this is what's going on with me, I'm dealing with it. Let's just focus on what the issue is rather than beating each other up.
Speaker 2:Well that let's just focus on what the issue is rather than beating each other up. Well, you think, like for some of those personality types, the person needs to be right to feel whole, and I may not, so, okay, I don't need to be right now. Let's get over this and get to the next thing. I'll let you be right, you know, and we can move on with our relationship, because it is so amazing how you know, we have that conflict within some of these relationships. You know I do a podcast that we're going to bring back and we have different hosts called why Love Wait at least the one I've been studying with it, which is black men and women that the statistic is that 49% of black women that are over the age of 40 have never been married, and you start thinking why that is.
Speaker 2:What are the relationship boundaries? Over 40 that are married, 75% of them have at least one child, and so there's this belief that men are their taught or, as we've been exploring it, that this relationship is not as important as the relationship you can have with your child or the relationship that you won't have and the better off you'll be if you're not in a relationship. But when we think of true joy. We think of the happiness that we achieve. I think of you talking about your parents and how much they loved you as kids. I can imagine their relationship with each other was probably pretty harmonious and joyful as well. It's really hard to give that to other human beings in the same household if you don't have it with each other.
Speaker 1:Yeah, very much. So I mean, you know the way things go. It's like there's so many patterns in life and I would say there's good patterns and there's bad patterns. The good patterns we kind of don't need to worry about because they're working for us. The bad patterns are whether patterns that give us results that we don't want are ones we kind of want to unpack, and, and I would tell everyone, the younger you are, the closer you are to having many unresolved issues that you're unaware of, and so, just by definition, a person in their 30s is going to have a bit more wisdom and have worked out things than, say, a teenager. Or a person in their 30s is going to have a bit more wisdom and have worked out things than, say, like a teenager, a person in their 20s.
Speaker 1:Um, now, where you can accelerate. That is just as, as I said before, if you want to learn how to swim, you learn how to swim. If you want to learn how to ride a bike, you learn how to ride a bike. If you want to learn how to have harmonious relationships, you learn how to do that, largely by, like, increasing the self-awareness, um, but you also can do a more, a broader look, and saying, well, you know what? I hear there's something out there called therapy. Like, what is that like? Would I benefit from it? Or I hear there's something out there called like coaching. You know, could I benefit from that? Like, what I love about coaching is you can.
Speaker 1:You can see top performers have multiple coaches. You know they have a nutrition coach, they have a strength coach, they have a sleep coach. Um, they have like a flexibility coach. They and and the teams are playing on like they've hired coaches for them to work on, work with and stuff. So you know, at least once in one person's life, at least once, it might behoove you, if you want. Like, just a quantum shift is like, hire a coach or hire someone that just maybe has 10, 15, 20 years experience of helping people perform better. Because, I mean, the best thing I can offer people is a perspective they don't have. That's really it, because people's problems come from a limited set of perspectives.
Speaker 1:They can't see another way of doing things or they can't see their blind spots, and so if you work with someone who has done that for a huge amount, of time, I mean they're going to be able to see your blind spot, you know pretty much before you open your mouth, um, so, yeah, I mean I I think this is like a big way for people to to get ahead of it, um, and and there's other things you know. I mean, for some reason, like yoga is really good at doing that. You know some people get it with their their um, their church groups, you know religious affiliation, um, but in anything, anything that gets you to look at perspectives outside of yourself is going to help you. I mean you, you will be crippled by what you don't know, and so what you want to do is rapidly increase your knowledge of things that you're unaware of, just different ways of looking at things aware of just different ways of looking at things.
Speaker 2:I'm so glad you're here because in the last few podcasts that I've had in the last few whether it's coaches or I'm on a show we've really been diving into the difference between therapy and coaching, and one of my guests asked a good question. He says if you have a high-end coach that is helping you get to where you want to be, do you truly need a therapist? You know I'm going to let you answer, but one of the things that I'm really grappling with is there is a place for therapy and that there's unresolved issues that need to be resolved. That needs to happen, but the roles of each are so much different. You know the role of therapist is to look at the past and bring you to maybe a baseline level, but the role of the coach is to look into the future and help you get to where you want to be.
Speaker 2:And almost collapsed time frames when you think of you know how much time does it take to get there? Can you get there without a coach? Possibly maybe, but can you do it? How much time does it take to get there? Can you get there without a coach? Possibly maybe, but can you do it. In the time They'll say are you a millionaire?
Speaker 2:And you say, well, my lifetime or in the last year or the last month. Because if I make $25,000 a year and I've worked for 40 years, I've made a million dollars, but I probably don't feel too much like a millionaire when I've done it. But if I collapse that into making $100,000 a month now, in 10 months, I'm a millionaire. Now that's considered somebody who we would, as a society, say that's a millionaire-worthy person. Well, the same thing goes on with our thought process where we want to achieve and where our goals are and where we want to go, and without a coach, I guess, or somebody to help you see those blind spots, because they're looking into the future and collapsing those time frames, whereas a therapist on the other side of it is really just resolving and getting you to a place where maybe a coach could jump in. I mean, what's your thought on those two things, since you brought them both up, and so I would love to kind of hear this.
Speaker 1:I can't wait to hear it I mean I, I I would say, you know, treat yourself, use both. Yeah, um, you know it's, it's it's interesting on the therapy side. Like you said, you know there's a lot of the thinking is it's looking at the past, um, and and I've, I've looked into this and you know there's this debate well that you know where does therapy in and coaching begin, and it's there's like a good amount of overlap and I, I can definitely answer from like what I've experienced, because I've I've worked with a number of people who have seen therapists and more often than not, they'll tell me like a session with me is been like a session, not several, but a session has been more helpful than, say, years of being with with the therapist. And I, I've heard that so many times I've tried to like really figure it out and I started asking questions and and I think what I was able to discern, um and I'm not saying this would apply to all therapists, but what I was able to discern, I think in a lot of times, yes, it is looking at the past and you will talk a lot. So, as long as you want to talk about things, you'll be kind of rehashing these things, and so it seems what I was hearing from my clients that I asked. It's like there was a lot of talking but not necessarily key steps on, like, what to do next.
Speaker 1:And the reason I'm a coach and the reason I love it is because it's all about resolution. In fact, for me it fits with me. It's a very masculine energy type coaching at least the way I'm doing it it's very solution focused. And so because at the end of the day, I know, no matter where you are, what's going to get you out of it is action. You have to take action. And so I help my clients formulate, you know, actions, a list of options. I give them like multiple different things they can do, and I say, but at the end of the day, you have to do this or you have to do these things.
Speaker 1:And I think what I've been able to discern and I'm willing to to say like maybe I'm not right here is I don't think that comes across as as strongly in therapy, but but here's the thing, like there are many people that I know I couldn't connect with as a coach that I think do need therapy. So like if someone comes to me and say you know they're, they're dealing with, um, you know, sexual trauma, physical abuse, like drug addiction, and it's it's really um, interrupting their lives, like meaning it's, it's, it's it's they're not able to hold down the job or, you know, they're not able to like have friendships, like it's, it's it's they're not able to hold down the job or you know, they're not able to like have friendships, like it's, it's, it's a life that's kind of dysfunctional. I'm actually not able to work with, with those people because I don't really connect with those things. It really hasn't been my experience.
Speaker 1:Like I said, you know the people I'm working with. They're very good at hitting a target, and so there's something called like executive function. They're very good with executive function, and so they may get into areas like burnout. They may have things like, you know, depression or anxiety. But I'll tell you what they'll be at the job every day, they'll hit every deadline, they'll hit all those performance goals.
Speaker 1:So those are the people that I'm working with, and so it's not to say that those people haven't had physical abuse or sexual trauma or stuff, but they've been able to at least put a life together where those things are more in the background than the foreground, than the foreground.
Speaker 1:Um, so I would say, at least in the coaching I'm familiar with, that I do. That's the bigger difference. And so I would say, for people who, if you find that you know your life is just not working at a very fundamental level, like you know, just recurring health problems, um, like you know, everyone has ostracized you, that type thing, I'm not saying there's something inherently wrong with you, I'm just saying, like you, you have some core things that need to be resolved and in those cases I think I think therapy can be invaluable great and I also think you know, when you know, I just finished a book called we do that and it's all about becoming the person you need to be before you start to do and have, and so we spend so much time trying to do stuff, and when I think of joy and happiness, that's what we're doing is we're trying to have these incredible lives that bring us joy and happiness.
Speaker 2:One of the core things about being is learning the more that we learn. I mean, if you learn something, you can't wait to share it with somebody else.
Speaker 2:You can't wait to do a little bit more that first time you learned how to ride that bike or that first time you learned how to do that swimming and you could do it on your own. That's when we're most excited and we're joyous. That's where I guess the joy of coaching comes in. I've been coaching track now for 38 years at all levels. To have an athlete or somebody be able to achieve something they've never done before and then seeing the elation and the joy that that brings, then that moves into learning. Now we talk about relationships where I've got to share that with somebody. It's no fun to climb a mountain and get to the top and not have anybody to share it with, like I still imagine people nowadays on their cell phones going I'm at the top, I'm at the top, I did it, you know instead of like taking pictures or selfies or whatever, so not for themselves, because they want to share that with others. And then the contribution side of having is now we get excited when we get to give and we get to help somebody else or sponsor somebody else into something that brings them joy. And when I see those things, I don't see people walking out of therapy that excited. You know I've learned something. Now they come to grips with where they're at in life and now they feel like I've been now released so that I can go do those things. And so I guess that's where I see this big, definitely necessary. I mean, and like you said, do both. If you've got the ability to do both, you know there's all the things, but then the things that really truly bring us joy are something I think we need that other perspective of somebody who can help us get there. And you know, and maybe the therapists do help you get there, you know I haven't been in any of the of any therapy sessions where I come out of there. You know, if I'm happy, you know I think it's been very helpful, but not to the point where I'm ready to go change the world, where I definitely had coaches that I know I'm changing the world, because he told me I'm changing the world and I can imagine the sessions that you do with folks that they would say that at the end because they believe now you've given them the tools. That they would say that at the end because they believe now you've given them the tools that they need.
Speaker 2:You know, and coaching isn't, you know, the better coach you get to be and this is for you know, I don't know this, and for those you're out there, if you're looking for a good coach and that coach talks all the time and never asks you questions, then you probably don't have a really good coach, because they gotta know where you're at at At all times. They have this line, they go okay, now we're going to work. This is when I first started coaching. Oh, I would just tell them all the things to do, all the mechanics of everything. I didn't care where they were at. Like everybody's the same.
Speaker 2:Right Now, most of my coaching I don't talk at all. I ask people what do you think we need to do next? You know, is that working for you? You know, whatever those questions are, where I'm getting that constant feedback and then, like you said at the beginning, which I thought was really cool, I'm just turning a little dials Because most of the time you already know what to do. You just don't know how to do it or you don't know the next. You know iteration of the steps to be able to do that, and let's find that together so you can repeat it instead of me telling you what to do all the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That was just super interesting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm amazingly quiet in a lot of my coaching sessions.
Speaker 2:If you're not, then you're not coaching. As far as I'm concerned, you know what, when I'm going to yell at you, I mean to get you to do something. It's a good thing to lay over to yell at me, but you know, when I think of the best, like, let's say, you're Michael Jordan's coach, you're Phil Jackson and you're Coach Michael Jordan, what skill could you possibly feel that you already have and make it even great? You know, and I think that's the true sign of a coach yeah man.
Speaker 2:This has been a man. We're having this great conversation. I hope that we get to continue it. And what? What didn't we talk about in our in our time together that you wanted to make sure I want you to tell everybody how to get a hold of you, how to utilize all that kind of stuff. Is there any other specific thing that you want to make sure we talked about today?
Speaker 1:I guess there would be so many things, but I would just have people, um, just I would say keep focusing on the possibilities available with yourself. And I think a lot of people get caught up with what they don't like about themselves. You know, know, I'm I'm not productive enough, I'm too lazy, not pretty enough, I'm too fat, you know, it goes on and on. And so, like most people, um, they're hyper focused on what they don't appreciate about themselves. And I would just say switch it, you know, hyper-focused on what you do appreciate about yourself. And if you don't have a list of those, then, like you know, come up with with things. And you know it can start small. It's like you got up in the morning, great, you know you, you ate a nutritious breakfast. Wonderful, you're a good friend to people. I mean, those are good starts, um, but you can go much deeper.
Speaker 1:Um, we all have certain strengths, um, that we don't really see as strengths because we just do them effortlessly, um, and so we kind of assume everyone's able to do this. But if we really look at ourselves, we can see like, wow, I'm really good at this and this is actually something that I can at least acknowledge and and tell myself, you know, give myself a pat on the back for it, and then you know that can lead to other things, and so much of our, our experience of the world in fact, our only experience of the world is just our perspective on how we see things, and the core perspective that we have of life is our own identity, so just how we see ourselves. And so I fully encourage people to learn about yourself really well. You know that self-awareness, um, you know, focus on things are your strengths or focus on things that you just like to to celebrate. And I would say, you know, understand the power of story or understand the power of myth. And so when you think of yourself, you know you're involved in a story. I mean, like, like, what's heroic about what you're doing? Or what could be heroic about what you're doing?
Speaker 1:Um, how can you see yourself in a good light? And what I don't? I don't mean, like you know, gaslight yourself or, like you know, give yourself credit where it isn't due, but most people are way overdue in terms of appreciating themselves. And I mean I tell you, I mean there's, there's something about self-acceptance which is great. We should all have that. Most of us don't, but imagine just like radical enthusiasm for yourself. You know, or put simply, um feel about yourself the way your dog feels about you wow, assuming your dog didn't try to bite you Right?
Speaker 1:The lovely dog.
Speaker 2:When you have him abused. Oh gosh, thank you for taking the time to do that. It's been enlightening. We're going to find a way to communicate some more. I got plans for you and I together because there's so many really cool things that you were able to say, and so I mean, if you've been watching this and you're feeling what I'm feeling, that, man, this has been some things. Go back and watch it, go ahead and hit pause, go back, take some notes, write some stuff down.
Speaker 2:At least go take the Enneagram test and find out exactly who you are, At least yes, I mean you know, so that you can be the best that you can be.
Speaker 2:I mean, there's other ones out there like you know, taking the DISC one and taking the, you know, myers-briggs there's different personalities, but I think Enneagram is one of my favorites. You know we talk about extrovert, introvert and Myers-Briggs all the time, but, man, what a great time that you got together. So, thank you for being here. If this is your first episode and you go ahead to subscribe and notification, we'll be talking again. I assure you that, and so you're going to want to know when we do that.
Speaker 2:You know, as we get the community together and you're part of it and maybe talking to some folks, I think it be just this is going to be fantastic. So, uh, I would just say this is the beginning, this is the end. Uh, this is, you know, the start of what I would call something special and, like I said, I appreciate, appreciate you being uh on the show today. One last one, last thought to give out to everybody that can help them and also give you, you know, know, your website or whatever it is that people need to get a hold of.
Speaker 1:Yeah, pretty simple. You can reach me at an email I know it might be a little bit old school, but Dominic D O M I N I C at inner peace advisorcom. And you can also find me on LinkedIn, dominic Petty. And you can also find me on Instagram, which the handle, the username is innerpeaceadvisor, don't forget, I believe your God is great.
Speaker 2:He loves you. If you allow him to. It's time for you to become the person he puts you on the search to be, and so what I would just say is let's go, let's grow, let's become. We look forward Every single day. I want you to have a great day in every way and then, every single day, just do a little bit better for somebody else in your life. You'll be amazing if you let it do it, alright, so we'll see you on the next one. Have an amazing day.