Nurturing a Healthy Body Image- Unmasking Myths

Are you navigating the complex journey of raising grandchildren, wondering how societal health ideals might inadvertently harm your grandkids' self-perception? Are you seeking fresh insights into nurturing healthy body images for the youngsters now in your care? Explore the under-discussed topic of eating disorders affecting youths and how celebrated health behaviors can mask early symptoms. Learn about racial inequities, food insecurity, and educational misconceptions that silently affect our grandkids' health.

Jessica Setnick has one of the most recognizable names in the eating disorders treatment world, thanks to her engaging and charismatic presentation style, her unique point of view, and her genuine ability to connect on a deep level, even from the podium. She is an outspoken advocate for the role of dietitians in eating disorders treatment and is known for her straightforward and compassionate approach to educating health professionals and the public about eating disorders and dysfunctional eating behavior.

In this episode, Jessica Setnick and I talk about how to nurture a healthy body image for kids. We discuss debunking myths, societal influences, and nurture resilience. Tune in for insights on raising confident grandchildren amidst societal pressures. For more information about Jessica Setnick, please visit her website. 

I’m Laura Brazan, and in 2022 my world pivoted as I took on the role of raising my grandchildren. Through the Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Nurturing Through Adversity podcast, we're unveiling myths tied to body image with expert Jessica Setnick, offerin

Did you know that in the state of Indiana, if a grandparent has an adult child who gets angry with their parents for any reason, no matter how trivial, the adult child can deny that grandparent the ability to have ANY contact with their grandchildren? Sign the petition here. Your signature matters!

Parenting Is Too Short to Spend It Stressed.

Learn how to turn everyday moments into joyful connection — with zero guilt and zero gimmicks. Visit Parenting Harmony.

Thank you for tuning into today's episode. It's been a journey of shared stories, insights, and invaluable advice from the heart of a community that knows the beauty and challenges of raising grandchildren. Your presence and engagement mean the world to us and to grandparents everywhere stepping up in ways they never imagined.

Remember, you're not alone on this journey. For more resources, support, and stories, visit our website and follow us on our social media channels. If today's episode moved you, consider sharing it with someone who might find comfort and connection in our shared experiences.

We look forward to bringing more stories and expert advice your way next week. Until then, take care of yourselves and each other.

Want to be a guest on Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Nurturing Through Adversity? Send Laura Brazan a message on PodMatch, here: https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/grg

Liked this episode? Share it and tag us on Facebook @GrandparentsRaisingGrandchilden

Love the show? Leave a review and let us know!

CONNECT WITH US: Website | Facebook

Chapters

• 0:00 "Exploring Kinship Care & Trauma"
• 9:00 "Mind Lags Body in Image Change"
• 12:28 Developing Body Image and Perception
• 13:55 Childhood Impact on Body Image
• 20:02 Generational Impact on Self-Esteem
• 24:12 Perception Challenges in Body Size Estimation
• 25:58 Embracing Inaccurate Body Perception
• 30:53 Helping Kids Reframe Their Feelings
• 34:29 Thought Experiment on Self-Perception
• 38:24 "Let Feelings Flow Naturally"
• 40:42 Authentic Support Over Empty Promises
• 44:30 Destigmatizing Help for Children
• 45:46 Family Values and Boundaries
• 48:42 "Grandparents Nurturing Through Adversity"

Transcript

3:09

Are you curious about how society's well intentioned health ideals might be driving our kids toward dangerous eating disorders? Join us for a revealing conversation with Jessica Setnik, an expert on body image and eating disorders, as we peel back the layers of this complex issue. In this episode, we explore why skyrocketing rates of eating disorders among youth are often overlooked and how the very behaviors celebrated as healthy can camouflage early signs of trouble. We dive into the unsettling misconceptions about who can develop these disorders and why they persist in our culture and institutions. From racial inequities and food insecurity to misconceptions embedded in education. Discover how these factors intersect, but what's the real solution? Join us as Jessica unveils a revolutionary approach that shifts focus from weight centric conversations to holistic health autonomy and food accessibility for our children and teens. Transform your understanding of body image, challenge outdated narratives and learn how we can truly support and a healthier future for our next generation. Welcome to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing Through Adversity. In this podcast, we will delve deep into the challenges and triumphs of Grandparents Raising grandchildren as we navigate the complexities of legal, financial and and emotional support. I invite you to join us on a journey of exploring thoughts, feelings and beliefs surrounding this growing segment of our society. Drawing from real stories and expert advice, we will explore the nuances of child rearing for children who have experienced trauma and offer valuable resources to guide you through the intricate journey of kinship care. We'll discuss how we can change the course of history by rewriting our grandchildren's future, all within a supportive community that understands the unique joys and struggles this podcast was made especially for you. Welcome to a community where your voice is heard, your experiences are valued, and your journey is honored. Before diving into today's important conversation, I want to share a little snippet from my own life as a parent, I've always tried to foster a household where we embrace our bodies and have a positive outlook on food. We love a good meal, and yes, we don't shy away from indulging in a bag of chips now and again. And as someone who loves to bake, desserts are a staple in our household, though I do keep them as a weekend treat, especially since our grandkids, whom we're raising, struggle with adhd. But here's the thing. Despite thinking I was handling the whole healthy body image thing pretty well, I had a revelation when I interviewed Julie. She pointed out that our self image can fluctuate based on something as simple as a Bad day, a pair of snug pants, post dryer, or even missing an important call. It's more dynamic than I realized, Shifting daily and continuously evolving throughout our lives. In today's episode, we're going to discuss these nuances with Jessica Setnik. She'll guide us on nurturing healthy body images for our children, understanding how these mindsets develop, and debunking common misconceptions. So let's break free from the stigmas we grew up with so our kids won't have to carry them forward. Are you ready to challenge the norms and find a healthier path for our youth? Let's get started with this critical conversation. Well, welcome back, Jessica. Thank you. Jessica and I had a great conversation back in February about healing your inner eater, where we discussed issues about the hidden stories that shape our relationship with food. And today we're going to talk about body image. Yay. Another topic which I think we have a lot of misconceptions about. So, Jessica, let's start by talking about your definition, what you think your definition of body image is, and how it develops, because that's so important with these kids that we're raising. Yes. So first, first of all, body image. I think people tend to think body image is what you see when you look in the mirror. I don't like it. I have a bad body image today type of thing. But really, your body image is what you see when you look in the mirror and much more than that, what you feel about what you see, and P.S. how you feel about your body even when you're not looking in the mirror. So, for example, we could all close our eyes right now and we could imagine what our body looks like. The fact is that body image is not necessarily what our body looks like today because bodies actually change faster than minds. So if you've ever had a change to your body, that was dramatic. So, for example, the easiest example many people can relate to is if you've ever had your hair cut dramatically from long to short for any reason. And so you get in the shower and you put that shampoo in your hand and you put the normal amount that you put in your hand for long hair. And then you reach up with that big handful of shampoo and realize there's hardly any hair left for all that amount of shampoo. Right. Your memory, your image in your mind of what your body looks like hasn't changed as fast as your body changed. We also hear about interesting individuals who have, let's say, an amputation. I remember when my stepdad had part of his leg removed. I would ask him, does it still itch? Right. Because you hear about that, right? Yeah. That we still have that perception of our body. If you know anyone or you yourself have ever lost a dramatic amount of weight, they. Or you might still walk into a room and look for the sturdiest chair. We have this idea of who we are and what our body is like and the shape and size of our body that may not reflect the now. So sometimes people say as they age, they look in the mirror and they're surprised at who is that older woman looking at them when in their heart, they feel like such a youngster. So those are the kind of things that sort of prove the lie of body image. Let's say that our body image isn't just what we look like and how we feel about what we look like, but it's also this idea that we have of who we are. And if you've ever seen a picture of yourself where you thought, oh, I didn't look very good, or wow, I looked great. Right. But that's not what we thought. But then when we see the picture, we suddenly have these two sort of battling images. The image we had in our mind and the image we see with our eyes. So it's really important to accept that body image is made of so much more than just what we see when we look in the mirror. And one of the ways that I think we can really let that sink in is the idea that if everyone saw the same thing, then we would never have, let's say, different eyewitness accounts of a different event. Right. Everyone would see the same thing. And there are even shows that are based on this whole idea, right? Cop shows where. Or crime shows where they show from each person's point of view how the same incidents unfolded slightly differently. And it's the same thing with our body. Because when we look at our body, whether we're looking in the mirror, at a photo, when we're looking in our mind's eye, how we see goes through our brain. So it's not just vision. It also gets picks up those pieces of how we're feeling. So if you're feeling great, you might feel like you look great. And if you feel crummy, you might feel like you look crummy. It's complicated, really complicated. So that's sort of my intro is it's way more complicated than what we think. That's a fascinating way to introduce it. I have never thought about it that way before, but it makes sense that It's a complicated issue when you look at it that way. Yes, totally. And so that then brings in all of this aspect of how does it develop, Right? So if you are, let's say, a child who is being fed, let's say either breastfed or bottle fed, but being held while you're fed, you start to develop an image of yourself. We talked about this a little bit last time, that you start to develop an image of yourself even though you're not looking in the mirror. You start to develop this idea of, I'm good, I make people happy, people chuckle when they look at me, people smile when they look at me, I get my needs met, etc. And body image starts to develop at that stage, same time too. And one of the things that we learn from people who have had either an amputation or an, an accident, something that was disfiguring, we have learned that a lot of body image comes from what other people tell us about our bodies. So we hear from people things like, let's say someone had to have their hand removed, whether through an accident or something traumatic or, or an injury, and they might forget that they don't have a hand until they reach into their wallet to pay for something at the grocery store and they notice how the grocery checker is looking at their hand or their missing hand. And so that's when they remember, oh, there's something wrong with me, there's something flawed with me. And so when you're a child, if your people who care for you, that you rely on for your survival, essentially, if they are looking at you with loving eyes, if they're looking at you with appreciation, even if your body, let's say, doesn't meet, and I'm using finger quotes, society ideals, you still grow up with that feeling of I am good. And on the other side, you may have a totally normal appearing body, but if the people around you are either saying derogatory things about your body or not giving you affirmation, then you can grow up believing that there's something wrong with your body, even when your body is completely fine. And so that's how body image carries with us throughout life from those early childhood experiences. Because it's so much more about what we're told about our body and what is conveyed to us about our body versus what we actually think about our own bodies. If that's true, then why does social media, the fashion industry, diet culture and marketing try to influence in a very particular direction when that's not real or healthy? Because two things part A is they're trying to sell us something, right? So if we feel good about ourselves, there's a lot of products we don't need. If I feel good about my frizzy hair, then I don't need special shampoo and conditioner and a hair straightener and all those things. If I felt good about how my body smells, then I don't need deodorant and I don't need to shave my armpits and la la la la la. So there is a profit motive in making me feel unsatisfactory. And part two is advertising fashion, any kind of social media messages, whether on purpose or not. So granted, the average social media marketer may not be thinking about this, but trust me, paid advertising and advertising executives definitely do. They're not trying to convince us of something new. They're trying to tap into something we already believe. So in other words, the person who. Let's say the Dalai Lama. I'll just pick the Dalai Lama because I once heard him speak. The Dalai Lama is bald, he's shaved his head. So sorry, shampoo ads aren't going to work on him. He wears a robe all the time. Same one, so or same color may not be the same robe. So fashion ads aren't going to work on him. Right. Someone who is just that peaceful and confident in their own self, those marketing messages are going to ping right off that person. I'm rubber, your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. The person who social media, sorry, any marketing is going to stick to, let's say, or influence, is the person who's already walking around thinking, do I have the right clothes? Do I fit in? Do people like me? What if I'm not good enough? And so marketing actually tries to tap into the fears we already have versus trying to give us new ones. Because if you are totally confident in yourself, then none of those messages are going to have any speck of influence on you. It really makes you realize what a psychotic society we live in. Predatory. Yes. And here you are trying to teach people to be confident and you want to raise executives that are confident and have good self images. But on the other hand, you're not successful if you don't have a certain kind of car or have certain kind of clothes, or kids don't have certain games that other kids had. They are marketing them out of a fear. If you don't have them, then you're not a cool kid. Or if you don't wear this, then you're not pretty. Exactly. And the thing that you're forgetting, of course, is that the person you are, the way that you come at things, is wanting to raise kids with a good self esteem, wanting kids to be successful. And what you forget is that there are a lot of people out there that are still working through their own stuff and they work it out on their kids. So it's sort of like it vomits onto the next generation. And so I'm thinking of a patient I had who remembered a parent, her parent saying to her while they sat in church, of all places, why can't your hair look like that girl? And that girl had straight cur, a straight blonde hair, and my patient had curly brown hair. I mean, what a toxic thing to say, right? Because as beautiful as my patient's hair might have been, it was never going to measure up in her mind to what she thought was the image that she was supposed to have or that was put in front of her as a positive, as a good image. And so that's the kind of thing that you're forgetting is that there is a lot that we can do to support our kids in growing up to be that confident person. But there are some people who aren't even trying to do that bare minimum. So I know you have a very innovative approach on addressing body image. Share that with us. Okay, so my approach to body image is let it go. Don't try to change it as much as you try to understand it, let's say. And so curiosity is our greatest tool. Curiosity of, oh, that's interesting. I wonder why I don't feel good about myself today. Or oh, that's interesting. I just noticed that when I put on my jeans right out of the dryer and they don't quite fit, my mind immediately goes to, I need to go on a diet, right? Sort of observing these thoughts that we have instead of judging them or accepting them as fact. Just thinking, oh, that's interesting. There's that thought I had again today, right? That to me is the best way to approach it. Because here's the weird part about body image is a misperception of our bodies is part of the human experience. So let me explain what I mean by that. We are taught when we're kids that we have five senses, right? Let me see if I can name them. Sight, smell, touch, taste and hearing. Okay? That's what we're taught. That is not correct. We actually have many more senses than that. We have the sense of balance. We have very specific senses. So think about someone who's colorblind they still have the sense of sight, they can still see, but they can't sense colors. Think of someone who takes a sip of red wine and they say, oh, it tastes kind of oaky with a hint of cigar box or something. And you say, oh, I just don't like it. Right. So we have these many different senses and we are, some people are, let's say, more skilled or fine tuned at different senses than others. Well, there is a sense called interoception, which is how we feel on the inside. There's a sense of what feeling we're having. There's a sense of proprioception, which is how we fit into the world around us. And so people can have different skill abilities with those too. And so proprioception includes our size, right? So how big we are, let's say, in comparison to the other things around us. And some people are better at that than others. For example, if you were going to be a gymnast and you were going to fly through the air and land on a balance beam, you have to have a very good sense of where your body is in the world. Not everyone can do that, no matter how hard they try, because we don't have that skill. So the same thing is true for us as human beings. When we are asked to, for example, draw a line that is the same size as your waist or something like that, we can't do it because we are human beings who don't have that skill. If you went into a store and the pants had no sizes and they just had 5 pair of black pants laying on a table and said, pick the one that will fit you, you have no way of knowing. We are just terrible at, let's say, estimating our body size in the shape or the space of the world that we take up. That is just normal human experience. So when we talk about individuals with eating disorders, it seems that individuals with eating disorders have a less finely tuned skill at interpreting our body size or predicting our body size. So this is going to be something that you have to really picture in your mind. But think about if someone were going to walk in between two tables in the lunchroom. Let's say you have to walk in between two tables to get to your seat. At some point you may have to turn to the side to kind of wedge yourself through, right? Well, it turns out individuals with eating disorders who often also have a distorted body image, turn to the side before they would need to. So in other words, they perceive that their body size is bigger than it really is. But we can't Say that's limited to individuals with eating disorders because we are all terrible at this. Why do kids get their heads sized stuck in the bars of the crib? They don't even make cribs like that anymore. Right. Because too many kids got their head stuck in there. We are terrible at estimating the size of our bodies. And so that is just a fact. So trying to improve that or make it better is a little bit of a fool's errand. It's okay to just accept it and say, I am not very good at this. That is why I have to try on pants when I go to the store. I don't expect things to just fit me. And so when we accept that we're not very good at it, we can accept that we might not be able to change it and stop torturing ourselves and instead say, okay, Accepting that my perception of my body is not very accurate, how can I make life easier on myself? How about keeping clothes in the closet that fit me? How about picking out my outfit the night before so that in the morning I'm not late for school or work or the school bus or basketball practice because I'm trying on 10 outfits? Instead of expecting yourself every day to wake up and have a better sense of your body, accept that it is what it is. And how can you care for yourself even though you're not a very good estimator of your own body size? When we have children that do have that attitude, perhaps we shouldn't be trying to fit them into the box of right. Oh, you're beautiful, honey. You're perfect just the way you are. Yes, now it's okay to say those things, but let's just couch it as, oh, honey, I think you're perfect just the way you are. I love you no matter what. Instead of, this is a fact. And therefore, if you don't see it, you are wrong. Instead, say something like, you know what? I think it's hard sometimes for each of us to realize how special we are, but I see it in you. I hope that one day you see yourself as equally special as I see you. It's hard sometimes for me to see myself as special, but I know I am, and I'm working towards seeing myself the way you see me. That's great advice. Thanks. I feel like it's more real. It's much more real. There's even a book called, and I might quote the title incorrectly, but it's something like, you're my mom. You have to say, I'm beautiful. Like something like that. Right. It's the idea that it starts to sound like. It starts to sound like we're kind of buttering someone up. Right. When we just say, oh, you're the most beautiful girl in the world. Right. But to me, you are. To me, you are. So I can say that to me, you're the most beautiful girl in the world. And it's not just how you look, it's your spirit, and it's how kind you are to animals and etc. Etc. Where we can really feel authentic. And the child hearing that can feel authentic. Hearing it and not feel like this person is just saying this to butter me up. Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, we all think that our children and our grandchildren are wonderful. I mean, sometimes we don't feel that way, but for the most part, we see their beauty and we have a hard time. Or we have children that come to us and say, I don't think I'm pretty, I think I'm ugly. I think I'm stupid. And we look at them like they're crazy. Yes. And that just makes them feel stupid and crazy. Oh, boy. Well, so if instead we were to say, oh, my goodness, I don't see that at all. Please help me understand. And if we were to listen more. Well, for someone so special to feel so unspecial, please tell me more so I can understand. Oh, my goodness. There's an Alanis Morissette song for everything, isn't there? But there's an Atlantis Morissette song about this called Unsexy, which is not really the most kid appropriate title, but it's great for adults to listen to. And she says, I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful. I can feel so unloved for someone so kind or someone so fine, whatever it is. But it's all about that, about how the way you feel does not reflect reality. And that's what we're trying to say is a beautiful person can sometimes feel unpretty. A smart person can sometimes feel unsmart. And some of it is because of the messages that we're getting from outside. And some of it is from the evidence that we look for because it's our fear. We believe the evidence of our fear. Right. Or when you feel stupid, you don't. Feel pretty sure it can all be interlocked. Yes. So glad you said that. Yes. And so if we were to listen more instead of trying to convince kids that they're wrong, because it pains us. It pains us to hear them say they don't feel Good enough. So to say, oh, honey, you are good enough. You're the bestest. That makes us feel better, but it doesn't necessarily make the kid feel better, so to say, tell me what that feels like. Help me understand. Because maybe we can give them a different word when they say something like, I felt so stupid because my teacher didn't call on me, they called on someone else, but I knew the answer all along. You can say, oh, well, actually that proves you're smart. But it sounds like what you're describing might feel frustrated or might feel disappointed because your teacher didn't recognize that you knew the answer too. We can actually help the kids put a different word on it, which is helping them spot their feelings. And instead of blaming themselves, I'm so stupid. I'm so ugly. I'm so lonely. Well, lonely isn't quite the right word, but whatever it is, I'm so ungood enough that we can help give them the right word, which is, it sounds like you felt left out. It sounds like you felt hurt. And we can help them change that into this situation. Made me have this feeling instead of my body. Made me have this feeling. My faults. Made me have this feeling instead. It's the way someone else treated you that made you have that feeling and that gives you then the autonomy. Hopefully in the future, if it's a safe person to say to your teacher at a different time, you know what? I knew the answer too, and I was really proud of it. And I just wanted to tell you. Right, that's great because you want someone to feel proud of you for your skills. But if you felt disappointed or left out, there are sometimes ways you can work around that. And sometimes you just need a hug, and that's okay too. But to tell someone you didn't feel the way that you felt is really invalidating. There are extremes, though. Yes. I mean, if we have a child that is feeling suicidal, or if we have a child that is always telling us, no matter what, I just can't do that. I just can't feel good about myself. And so that's exactly my point is we shouldn't say, you should feel great about yourself. You're great. Let me count the ways. You're great. Great. You should feel differently then. We're not really listening to what that kid is saying now. It's. It's even a bigger problem. Right. If we actually have a kid who. I don't know, how can I say this? Let's say they are kind of a crummy kid. They're a terrible listener. They're not very artistic. They're kind of stuck up, right? Even that kid. We want them to feel good about themselves, but especially a kid who has all these great qualities, we really want them to feel good about themselves. But if we just tell them, you should feel good about yourself, that then doesn't make them feel better. They still feel bad about themselves and they feel unheard. So if we could say instead, tell me more about that. I don't see that in you. So I really want to understand what it is that you're feeling when you say that. So we don't have to agree with them. We can say, I don't see it. I see you as a wonderful person, but I hear you saying you don't feel like that wonderful person. So help me understand, what does it feel like? Do you feel it in your body? Do you feel it certain times of day? Is it when you're with certain people? Help me understand. Tell me more. I know with my kids, if I turn the tables around and I say, how would you feel if someone said this to you? Wouldn't you want to have this perspective? Is there a way we can engage them in an agreement to consider things this way? When I think of it, I call it a thought experiment. Do a thought experiment with me, right? What if you were the most beautiful girl in the world? What would that feel like? And hear that, because that's what they're telling you. They don't feel, if I was the most beautiful girl in the world, I would feel confident and everyone would love me. So what they're really saying is, I don't feel like, I don't feel loved by someone. I don't feel confident, right? They may be using the words of I don't feel pretty or I'm not pretty, but ask them the opposite. Just like what you said, what if you were smart? What would a smart person do in this situation and get them to call upon. I do that all the time. The other day I was getting something done in my house and I felt a little embarrassed about asking for a reference. Like, is that saying that, that I don't trust this person. But I thought in my head, what would a smart person do? A smart person would ask for a reference. So I just said that to the contractor. I said, you know, I feel like a smart person in this situation would ask for a reference. So could I have? Because somehow it, it, it gets you out of your own way, right? So if you said to your child, if they say, well, I'M just not good at math. And you say, well, how would you know if you were good at math? What would that feel like? I think that's an excellent suggestion because I think helping them get out of their own way, but letting them do that themselves takes a lot of the pressure off us and allows them to go through the thought processes that we're already thinking they should go through, but they're doing it themselves. I agree with that, and I agree that we see it differently. So I'm thinking of, what if a kid comes home and says, you know, Angie used to be my friend, but today she teased me on the playground. And as the parent, you say, but you have so many other friends. Right? That's what we want for them. We want them to not have hurt feelings. But if we just gloss over it like that, they still have the hurt feelings and they feel like we don't understand. So instead you say, oh, my gosh, if that happened to me, that would really hurt my feelings that Angie wasn't acting like my friend anymore. Tell me more. And we just open the door to it in our minds. We're like, ugh, I'm asking them to relive the misery they experienced on the playground today. But that's how we get through things, is by processing them, talking about them being validated. And then when they get that out, you can say, I wonder how you want to handle it tomorrow. What will you do when you go to school tomorrow? And maybe they want to talk to Angie. Or if they say, I don't know, you can say, well, let. I have some ideas. Let's just do some thought experiments. What if you wrote a note to Angie today about how you feel and then you gave it to her tomorrow? What would that be like? Or what if you went to school tomorrow with an idea in mind of someone else you're going to hang out with on the playground, like, help them talk through the possibilities rather than saying, you're wonderful. And if Angie doesn't appreciate that, then Angie stinks. Yeah, well, it helps them to problem solve. And instead of getting from point A to point C, and they all of a sudden they just go, I can't get there that way yet. It allows them to find point B to get them to whatever their point C is. Right. I agree. And, you know, because there is. There are two ways that people develop problems with emotional eating. And I know we're back on emotional eating, but that's my jam, right? Is one way is if no one ever lets us flow through our Feelings, because they tell us those feelings are wrong. You shouldn't feel angry. That's not a ladylike emotion. I'm just making that up. Right. But if someone tells us our feelings are wrong, we don't flow through them and learn that what goes up must come down, and we will feel better later. But the other way that people paralyze us from having a normal flow of feelings is if they try to take it away too soon. Oh, Angie was mean to you. Let's go get a special treat. We're going for ice cream. And so we want them to feel better, but we are still doing the same thing. We're depriving them of that opportunity to have those feelings. And so what we're trying to do is get it off of there's something wrong with you by letting them just flow through those feelings. And so if you really want to create a body image problem, you would tell someone that their body is the problem. But we don't think of it the other way. If we just tell someone, well, you're not the problem. Angie's the problem again. We're also not letting them have their feeling. When do you think it's important to take more extreme measures? Well, what do you mean by extreme measures? Like how? Asking, you know, getting a counselor involved? I think anytime. Yeah. Or sending them to a person like you. Oh, okay. Well, I would never say the word sending you. I'm sending you to a dietitian. Right. I would say, you know what? I'm a good grandma and you're a good you, but the skills we bring to the table are not really working on this problem. So I think we need to bring someone else on our team and see what they have to say. I would always bring someone onto the team rather than sending someone somewhere. And I know we veered a little bit from the idea of body image, and I want to swing us back. I think that the idea that we can get more comfortable with our bodies and we can like our bodies better. It's not that we're saying it will never improve, so don't even try. It's saying you have to go around it in this circuitous way that may end up leading you back to an appreciation of your body, but you can have body appreciation at the same time as your body angry. So if we're mad at our bodies, I couldn't run fast enough, and I didn't make the team. Right. We can't say, well, tomorrow you'll run faster. Right. We. We can't just make those Promises that we can't keep. So we have to say, you know what? I hear that that's disappointing for you, right? You can't just say, I'll get you a coach that will make you run faster. We have to say, I understand that's disappointing for you. Is there anything we can do to help that part of you that is feeling disappointed? Can we hug that part of you? What would help? Do you want to lay down with me and read a book? You know, that kind of thing where we're sort of embracing the part that doesn't feel good instead of blaming the body for it. And that's where we can get into trouble, is by saying we can fix the body and that will fix the feeling. And that's where weight loss marketers really grab us. They really hook us with that belief. And this is like, we're going full circle now back to the marketers picking on that thread that they. That we already believe, which is that if I were to change my body, I would feel better. I mean, think of all those slim fast ads from the 80s where someone is big and sad and then they go on the slim fast plan and they lose weight and now they're happy and they're skipping on the beach. Well, you know what? I live in Dallas. There's no beach here. So no matter how weight. Much weight I lose, I'm not going to be skipping on the beach. But it's this image that we're sold, right? That if you change the body, everything will get better. And that's what we're trying to avoid, is we're trying to keep our kids from saying, well, if I had prettier hair than Angie would like me or something that keeps the body being the project. I have to keep fixing my body so that I won't have hurt feelings. Life includes hurt feelings. And if we can care for our body, I mean, this is what, like, think about self harm, right? Self harm. Yes. There's chemical changes when kids cut or burn themselves, but there's also the aspect of I want to hurt my body and make it ugly so no one else can tell me it's ugly, because I already know that. Right? I mean, this is the kind of stuff that can get really, really dark if we don't allow kids to have their feelings. You're fabulous at what you do as far as I'm concerned. I learn something from you every time we speak. Thank you. If we can't do this alone, if we need help, how do you apply these tools and strategies through Your eating disorders bootcamp and healing your inner eater workshops. But let's focus on your eating disorders, since that's what we're talking about. Sure. So to me, anytime a child is experiencing distress, that doesn't, let's say, go away with the flow. Right. You know, an hour later, let's say I'm just using that as a very general guideline. Right. But something that is still bothering someone, you know, days or weeks afterwards, that, to me, is an indication for getting a professional involved. So just like you wouldn't expect someone to get over a major grief and loss issue in a week. Right. If there's something else that's going on, if someone still keeps bringing up this idea of, I'm not good enough, I don't look right. Those are things that as much as you love someone, we. We probably need to get a professional involved. And sometimes it means going to a professional ourselves. It doesn't mean getting a psychologist involved for the kid. It might mean meeting with someone, it might be the school counselor, it might be our best friend and saying, talk this through with me because I want to do best for this child. But I don't know how. Kind of that same language I used before of the skills I bring to the table don't seem to be adequate to handle this. So who can I turn to? Who can help guide me? And even if the child isn't present at first, it makes sense for us to ask for help. Because again, think about it. If we haul this child to therapy and drop them off and go shopping at Target and say, fix this child while I'm gone, we are once again making the child the problem. Instead of the situation is the problem. Instead of the idea that this is a hard world we live in, and if a child knows that we are going to get help, what we are demonstrating is that when the skills we have aren't enough to solve a problem, we don't have a problem getting professional help. If my car is making a funny noise, I take it to the mechanic. If my kid isn't feeling good about themselves, I check in with a professional. And I think if we could destigmatize the idea of getting help like that, we would be doing big service for those kids. Because then they're learning throughout life. When they have issues that maybe seem too big for them to handle on their own, it's not because they're deficient. It's because some issues are too big to handle on your own. What. What can we do? What are some simple things that we can do to create a more supportive environment when they're not at our home, when they're at other kids homes with other parents that have different ways of doing things than we do. So what you can do is you can clarify that in your home so that they carry it with them. So for example, if, oh my gosh, the three year old triplets in my family have started saying what the what? And so their mom just says no, we don't, we don't say that at our house. Well, so I'm going to tell so and so tomorrow that she shouldn't say that. No, because she might say that at her house, but we don't say that at our house. So in other words, you don't have to be bossy and tell other families they're doing it wrong, but in our family we do it this way. And so to just be very spoken about that, in our home we hug, but not everybody likes to hug. So it's okay, you don't have to hug everyone you see. But in our family we like to hug because it makes us feel good. Those kind of things. In our family we don't criticize what other people are eating. You might go somewhere and you might hear someone else criticize what other people are eating, but that's not how we do it in our house. So you're sort of making it clear that you're not expecting someone to police other people, but you do it differently in your home and that makes your home a very safe place. I'm thinking of when my stepson was little and he was crying and my husband said something sort of, what's the right word? Misguided, like boys don't cry or something like that. And I said, hun, he's a kid, he has feelings, he's gonna cry. If home isn't a safe place for him to cry, he's gonna cry at school. Right? So let's make our home a safe place for him to have feelings. So that's the kind of thing where we're, we're not saying that, you know, the same way you do things at home is the same way you do them everywhere. It's just that home is a safe place. If you have questions about something you see on social media at someone else's house, you can always come ask me about it here. Any final insights or closing thoughts that you want to give to the listeners today? Yes. If you talk bad about your own body, do not expect your kids or grandkids to not do the same because your voice becomes their inner voice. So even though I just said you cannot take a kid's feelings away by telling them they're wonderful, you should still tell them they're wonderful. And you should still let them hear you saying you're wonderful. Wow. Isn't it amazing that I eat a meal and my body knows what to do with that food? Isn't it amazing that I can walk and jump and run? Let them hear amazing things about your body, not just their body, because they may think, oh, my body's amazing. Now I'm a kid and my grandma tells me my body's great, but she talks smack about her body all the time. So when I'm a grandma, I'll have a crummy body too. Yeah. Great words of advice. Thanks. Jessica. Thanks for being here today. My pleasure. Always great talking with you. For more podcasts and videos on this subject, visit understanding nutrition or jessicasetnik.com and be sure to visit the free Resources section. And be sure to listen to how to talk to your child's pediatrician about their weight. The links will also be in the show Notes thanks for joining us today for another episode of Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing Through Adversity. I encourage you to share both your challenges and and your successes with us. Your story is undoubtedly one someone else needs to hear. Submit your stories to the links provided in the podcast information. Your contributions will enrich upcoming conversations, creating a more supportive community in which we can learn and grow together. Join us next week for an enlightening episode as we sit down with Tehila, a mom and the visionary founder of Abby's Learning center in Central Austin, Texas. Discover what inspired Tehila to found the center and how Abby's Learning center is transforming lives with its vibrant spaces like the custom indoor gym and magical sensory room, all designed to encourage exploration and growth for children of all ages. In this episode, we're going to discuss their holistic approach. This dedicated team at Abbey's is on a mission to embrace neurodiversity and empower each individual to thrive. Tune in to learn how they're making a real difference and be inspired by their commitment to acceptance, growth and empowerment. Don't miss it. Stay curious and hit that subscribe button so you won't miss this or any future episodes. Thank you for tuning in to Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Nurturing Through Adversity. Remember, you are not alone. Together we can find strength and hope in the face of adversity. Peace be with you and I pray that you find some time this week to listen to your inner wisdom amongst the noise and the pandemonium of this world.