9. Reclaiming Your Power as a Parent

Have you ever felt paralyzed by conflicting advice about your struggling teen while your own parental voice gets drowned out? That gut-wrenching feeling of being told the "experts" know better than you do about your own child?

This raw, vulnerable conversation dives deep into how parents become disempowered when navigating mental health systems for their children. We share personal stories about moments when our desperate desire to keep our children safe led us to override our intuition and their expressed needs. The result? Solutions that sometimes created more harm than healing.

What happens when we challenge the premise that our children are broken and need fixing? What if the most powerful medicine isn't found in a therapeutic program but in reclaiming our ability to truly see, hear, and accept our children as they are?

We explore the false dichotomy often presented to parents in crisis—either institutionalize your child or risk their safety—and offer a more nuanced perspective on what healing actually requires. Through powerful examples and practical wisdom, we illuminate how treatment approaches that focus solely on behavior management often miss the core needs for safety, connection, and belonging.

The conversation invites a profound shift from fear to faith, from fixing to accompanying, from potential to possibility. We discuss reclaiming parental authority not through control, but through trusting your relational wisdom and your deep understanding of your child's spirit.

Whether you're currently navigating a crisis with your teen or simply want to strengthen your connection before difficulties arise, this episode offers compassionate guidance for remembering that you already possess the most important resource your child needs: your authentic presence and acceptance.

TERI
Website: https://teripotter.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teripotterpathways/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/teripotterpathways

teri@teripotter.com

CATHERINE
Website: https://www.collaborative-insights.com/conscious-coaching
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/collaborative_insights_coach/

catherine@collaborative-insights.com

Resources:

- Conscious Parenting (Dr. Shefali Tsabary)
- Compassionate Inquiry (Dr. Gabor Maté, Sat Dharam Kaur)

Here are a few international resources:

• United States: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) or text HOME to 741741
• United Kingdom: Samaritans: 116 123
• Canada: Crisis Services Canada: 1-833-456-4566 or text 45645
• Australia: Lifeline Australia: 13 11 14
• International Helplines: Please visit www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html for a full list of helplines worldwide.
• https://www.helpguide.org/find-help

Please remember, there is always support available, and reaching out can be the first step in finding help. You are not alone, and support is there for you and your family.

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Transcript

Welcome to Navigating the Abyss

Speaker 1 0:03

Welcome to Navigating the Abyss. We are Terry and Catherine, two necessarily trauma-informed moms who, through our own journeys, were inspired to become conscious parenting coaches. We are here to share our ongoing learning and insights in the hope of bringing some new perspectives and clarity for parents who might be on similar paths. We hope you'll join us.

Struggling Teen Families and Institutional Solutions

Speaker 2 0:34

Hey, catherine, it's really good to see you. Yeah, you too. Just to update the audience. We've been talking quite a lot the last few days, haven't we?

Speaker 1 0:48

about our own personal experiences, about when we felt disempowered and also about what healing really takes, particularly for our young people yeah, I'm part of a lot of the struggling teen families in crisis, facebook groups and lists and so forth, and one of the things that's very common is that a parent will talk about how her child is either in crisis and spiraling or has gone to residential program and it hasn't worked out and the kid has in a worse place. And there's this role of, in the United States, of educational consultant, where the families hire someone and they advise the parents where to place the child within this framework of the residential mental health system as it exists, which is, as we have discussed before, is quite bankrupt at this point, and the consultant will almost always recommend a higher level of care or something with a residential as the solution to whatever is going on, and certainly in some cases, when kids are really spiraling and they're putting themselves in danger, and it may make sense. What I've noticed, though, is that there often isn't an option. They are told by other parents and other therapists and people in the mental health field to connect with these educational consultants and then to follow their advice, and they just have these limited number of choices and they don't think out of the box, and I remember a time when my daughter finished wilderness therapy and things hadn't gone very well at the end and she was told by her therapist that they were going to recommend a higher level of care, which means more security, less freedom, more oversight.

Speaker 1 2:54

And she flipped out, understandably. And so I was on the phone with an educational consultant and desperately trying to find another higher level placement who would take her. And they had known that she was causing trouble and so there were a few options and I was just desperate. And then there she was, crying and just sad about so many things on so many levels, and at that time all I could think was I've got to get her somewhere where she's safe. I didn't think at all about what does she really need, because at that point I was going by. She needs what these people are telling me she needs.

Speaker 2 3:36

Yeah, I really hear that. First of all, I really just want to thank you because this is such a vulnerable share. It's such a powerful story. I think it might help so many people because I'm listening to you. Just want to thank you because this is such a vulnerable share. It's such a powerful story. I think it might help so many people because I'm listening to you and I know you and I've talked a little about this already, but it's so moving hearing you just lay that out and that, the crux of the matter being where there was a moment that lasted for you and for me and for so many parents, where we're listening to so many other voices that our own is almost getting drowned out and our child certainly sits beneath that. And what happens to us in those moments where we can't hear and all we want is to keep our child alive, to do the right thing yeah, this idea of empowering parents and remembering that you can trust your instinct.

Speaker 1 4:38

Like you know your child better than anyone else does, and trying to remind them of that. And often, as you're saying, they go back to if I can't bubble wrap my child, if I can't keep my child safe, very literally my child could die because I make the wrong decision and, of course, the system reinforces that. So the stakes are so incredibly high that you don't dare to trust your instincts because if you're told, if you do, it could lead to your child's death.

Trust and Safety: Beyond Traditional Therapy

Speaker 2 5:10

That's basically what's being said yeah, I'm hearing you because those systems, those institutions, they're designed to manage, to diagnose, to put you in boxes and we're actually designed, as parents, to attune to our kids. But there's so many layers of conditioning by this point and so many things coming at us coming at us. I'm curious to know, with hindsight, where you might put yourself in that situation if you were to have to God forbid relive it again.

Speaker 1 5:53

Yeah, it's a great question. I think, to start with the knowledge I have now, or if I was someone accompanying someone that was going through this or had a client, I would communicate that this is a false dichotomy, right, this idea that you can either keep your child safe in a program or let her free, at the mercy of her own impulsivity and addiction, and then the world may prey on her, and then you know all that plays out. I would want to take into consideration that there's a lot more pieces to this. So you could put them away in a residential program and they could be safe for those three or four months or those six months or whatever it is.

Speaker 1 6:37

But then, when they get out, often what happens is they struggle so much more to find their own autonomy and agency in their life and to feel themselves on solid ground, and at a certain point you aren't able to bubble wrap them.

Speaker 1 6:52

And then what happens?

Speaker 1 6:54

So the considerations are a lot broader than just okay, either put them in a program or let them on the street. Okay, either put them in a program or let them on the street. So I think what we've talked about quite a bit too and this really comes from conscious parenting is this idea of attunement and looking at our children and seeing them as whole, not seeing them as broken, which again the system wants to reinforce there's 10,000 diagnoses and really look at them and see what is it that they really deeply need. And I think you had mentioned before this idea of safety and connection, and we know that's a real core need and what does that mean then in terms of the decisions that we're making? So I would really want to return to that, even though sometimes it's so uncomfortable for us as parents because there's so much fear. But really recognizing that is a core piece to their healing, and when you do send them away or you do something like that's more drastic, it makes it much more difficult for them to have those connections in that community.

Speaker 2 8:03

Oh yeah, gosh, so much in what you're saying here. Two words are coming up trust and safety. We mentioned you and I. We talked a little bit about. Is there a flawed assumption that our kids are going to get what they need from therapy? I'd like to just pause right there from therapy. I'd like to just pause right there because I don't know about you, but for all the time that I was dealing with the crisis, I never stopped to even question that. It was like there's the answer. Okay, somebody out there is going to fix my kid. Even if you remove that, fix my kid, they're going to make them feel better.

Speaker 2 8:42

The bottom line, though and you touched on this before which is what actually is going to help our kids above and beyond anything else, is that they feel safe. Now, there's many things that could make a person feel safe, and maybe it's worth everybody just pausing and just imagining what that is for them. For you, what would actually make you feel safe? For me, what comes to mind is just somebody with some genuine, authentic curiosity about me, somebody who is listening and somebody who is prepared to be with me, near me, without any kind of agenda. Therapists are great at that. That's wonderful.

Speaker 2 9:27

We're in this work because we believe in therapeutics. So I believe in, as you said, the person at the bus stop that sits down next to you that just comes with presence and brings safety, or a friend's parents who, as it was for me as a teenager, ask me my opinion on some stuff and actually really want to hear it. Reclaiming that authority for ourselves as parents, rather than disempowering ourselves and imagining that the answers are all on the outside, is so important, and it is about just reclaiming that inner authority. It is trusting that you're the expert on your own child's spirit that you can remember their essence I think you said that to me once, remembering who they were, three to five years old, holding that in your heart.

Speaker 2 10:20

That's their spirit. They were so close to their beginnings and that spirit is so them genuinely. They are already whole. So why are we coming at this from a place of brokenness? Because they're not fitting the boxes that the systems and the institutions would want them to fit in. And I just also wanted to say institutions, they're not therapeutic spaces, they're holding spaces, they're containers for the problem. So what are we hoping for? I just want to point out and share something that I came to learn, which is that you are allowed to say that the system is not working for you, but maybe, if people hear me saying that, maybe something happens inside of you and it's probably worth just sitting with it.

Seeing Children as Whole, Not Broken

Speaker 1 11:23

And so there are programs that are claimed to be and some are to differing degrees, therapeutic. They have therapists there they have. They try and create community and they work together in groups and that intention, without a doubt so I don't want to minimize some of these programs work for some people. So I don't think we're questioning that. We're seeing that parents are disempowered and told that they can't trust their instincts and that they aren't able to make decisions on behalf of their children because someone else knows better.

Speaker 1 12:04

Yeah, this is about reclaiming your voice, right, it's about reclaiming your voice and I think that question that you brought up about healing and what does healing take is so crucial and it's something that we think about and talk about a lot for ourselves and certainly for our kids. Yes, having a therapist can be really useful when you are committed to learning new tools and curious about yourself and at that place in your life where you're open to that and willing to do that work, that may be a path for you. It may be that you find healing in an ashram somewhere, or that you join a church or you read a book and listen to podcasts and spend time in contemplation. There's so many different ways people heal podcasts and spend time in contemplation. There's so many different ways people heal and I think that we forget about that, and we also forget about how hard it is. We can't orchestrate that for someone else.

Speaker 2 13:00

You can offer them opportunities and resources, but then what comes to them and what works for them is beyond your control. Yeah, I 100 agree. And also what shows up for me when you say all of that, I'm really strongly advocating for relationship, because the harm happens in the relationship, so the healing naturally happens in relationship. But that can be conversation, community, connecting in all kinds of different ways. It's just the idea that therapy would be the go-to before we acknowledge that we are their primary attachment and therapy cannot replace that primary attachment bond. We're in a unique position and then I've used that line before in one of our earlier episodes if you can just step into those shoes and accept there's nothing that you have to do, as much as we think that there's so many things that we're supposed to show up and do, and sometimes we think connection isn't enough. But it is so much. Do the work, not your child.

Speaker 1 14:15

Your child isn't broken, your child doesn't need to be fixed. You need to work on yourself, and I think that's so critical in terms of the relationship with our kids, because they are kids and we are the adults. And what can we do then, and what do we need to do in order to strengthen that connection? And that doesn't mean not having boundaries or limits. It means, though, getting back to what I said when you asked me.

Speaker 1 14:59

The question about how I do things differently is really being able to set down the fears, the expectations, all of these complicated emotions that are wrapped up into our relationship with our kids, particularly when they're struggling, and really see them for who they are, their essence, and see them as whole. And I struggle with my daughter, and things that she does and that I'm not comfortable with, and I was realizing. So much of the conversation with her is me pointing out what parts are missing, where there's a lack of wholeness, what needs to be fixed, what needs to be better, even though completely rational to anyone else, but I think the message for her is I'm just seeing where the gaps are in your wholeness.

Speaker 2 15:47

I know I can completely concur with that. Gaps are in your wholeness. I know I can completely concur with that. I just want to thank you because you're being so open and you're causing me to sit with this and ponder what I've been doing lately and as I imagine how much more my daughter could be engaging with the world, I'm inclined to be focusing on all the things she's not doing and all the things she's not attending and knowing, oh my god that, oh, she's got so much potential damn it potential.

Speaker 2 16:20

I think Gabor says can we just change that word to possibility? Yeah, I layer it up. I layer it up for her and, as I'm listening to you, I'm checking in with myself. There's a couple of things that come to mind. There's a tool that I use and it's really powerful for me and I include it up for her. And, as I'm listening to you, I'm checking in with myself. There's a couple of things that come to mind. There's a tool that I use and it's really powerful for me and I include it in my courses and do a lot of this with parents.

Speaker 2 16:38

Which is saying to a parent can you put yourself in your child's seat all our kids have got a favorite seat in our house, right and just get in touch with their nervous systems for a minute? Can you just slide in, slither into their body and then, as you're sat there doing what you're doing, hear you coming like to the door, walking into the room. Can you just turn around in your chair and take a look at you coming and what does that feel like, what's your experience, and stay with it for a few moments? But it gets me every time. Every time I look and I see myself coming, I don't have to say a word, but I've got a list as long as my arm. Do you realize? You could have had this many qualifications by now. You could have a really good job. You could have so many.

Speaker 1 17:31

Oh my god, the fantasy child rules, so let's not kid ourselves that it ever goes away, no matter how much of this work that we do I love that practice and it's so powerful because we're so programmed to make things either right or wrong and so often I know I'm right with my daughter because this is the healthy way to live, this, this is the right way to do things, and you're wrong, and so that's what's often behind my engagement with her. When we're talking about anything that's of substance, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong. It doesn't matter any of that. It just matters how she's feeling when I'm approaching her or when I'm engaging with her. She could be doing something completely problematic and if I'm coming at her with wrong, that sitting in her is I'm not good enough. Everything from my mother is criticism and not able to see me for who I am, and I think, without shifting that, it's hard to shift anything else yeah, the word that's coming to me loud and clear is acceptance, being accepted, and also it's a bit of a nuance to that.

Speaker 2 18:46

But when I said earlier about our kids need to just feel safe and what brings safety is somebody who sees them, who's curious. But it's also about talking to somebody who can hold their pain and isn't afraid. Why walk in with this agenda and this list of things that could be true, that aren't true and they haven't achieved? Or it's just coming from a really scared place and as long as I feel scared, my kid can't heal.

Listening to Your Child's Truth

Speaker 1 19:17

But it's only coming from my own fear yeah, I think it's absolutely true, and I think working with that fear, with our own fear as a parent, as a mother, when they're really struggling, keeping your child alive is the most primordial instinct that started at the beginning of time. We're so programmed to keep our child alive and well, and all the stories and all that we tell ourselves that drive the fear. It's very powerful and it very much impacts us and our relationship with our kids, and so, I think, just recognizing that's happening and there's no judgment, that's just what it is, and I think that we can, though, shift that, and I think we can really deeply look at some of our beliefs, which we can question and which is a first step to really moving from fear to something that's a lot more generative in terms of our relationships with them.

Speaker 2 20:25

Yeah, and as you talk about that primordial fear, I'm just trying to keep my child alive. There's a line that we used a number of times that, even in saying it, where's that coming from? It's coming from a place of abject terror. And also I'm wanting to challenge it these days because and this is a big one who are we even to consider that we are here to keep our child alive when we weren't responsible for the creation of them in the first place? Then I use creation with a big capital, c, this is a deep one.

Speaker 2 21:13

But it's to go there today, but it's certainly something that's helped me a lot when I've come face to face with the possibility and and ultimately having to acknowledge that again the word sovereignty is a sweet journey. This is my sweet journey. It can be short, it can be long, that doesn't mean do nothing, it's never going to mean nothing. And that's not being frivolous or flippant. I mean, god, it's really heartfelt.

Speaker 1 21:50

Yeah, and I just want to honor you bringing that up. You're just saying the unspeakable, almost right, the unthinkable, but it is so important to recognize that there is so much truth to that At the very least it's a question, an inquiry right.

Speaker 1 22:09

Yeah, at the very least, it's worthwhile to just engage with that and see where it sits. So what I'm thinking about when I'm listening to you is that this is absolutely true for me we aren't ultimately responsible or able to control what happens to our kids, and we can also look at this idea of responsibility a little differently. We talked the other day about this idea of enlightened responsibility, and so I feel like what I was doing before and what often the system, society tells us to do, is this reaction of fear to keep ourselves safe, so akin to your child is in the street, a bus is coming and you grab them and pull them out of harm's way, and there's a value to that. Right, that is our responsibility. When there are situations like that, right, if you come into a room and you see your daughter with a bottle of pills, you're going to take the bottle of pills out of her hand. Okay, so that's what we do with anyone, with a neighbor, you do that with someone on the street, because that's what we do as humans.

Speaker 1 23:24

But then there's this idea of enlightened responsibility, because sometimes I think we go beyond what is our role and that we think that we can orchestrate things that we can't. Our child's healing is not something that you're going to just flip a switch and then they're going to be healed. It's a whole process, it's a trajectory which may take many months, it may take many years, and so all we can do is look at the situation that we have in front of us and trust our gut, there's that discernment word again.

Speaker 2 23:59

Yeah, the question that I've got here is how do we differentiate true help from systems versus internalized pressure to conform? How do we differentiate true help, what can really make a difference to us, and how do we discern, make a difference to us, and how do we discern?

Speaker 1 24:22

it's such a burning question. I know what is true for me and that's all I can speak to, because it's going to be different for every person. But I know it's a movement away from trying to figure this out with my head. A movement away from external advice, because I'm taking for granted that parents our situation have gotten so much external device. A movement away from external advice Because I'm taking for granted that parents in our situation have gotten so much external advice. That's not lacking. And turning inward and really listening and listening to my heart and listening to that sort of instinctual knowledge that, as a mother, I know.

Speaker 2 25:04

I have and also trying to listen to her.

Speaker 1 25:05

Listen to my kids.

Speaker 2 25:06

Listen to my daughter.

Speaker 2 25:06

Yeah, to listen to her, listen to my kids listen to my daughter, yeah, and listen to, really listen. We stay there for just one moment because I don't think there's been a single time I can honestly say this where I haven't really tuned into my daughter, asking her what really matters to her and what's true for her, where she hasn't told me. It's not been about whether she she might be non-communicative, she might not have the words, but when she has spoken, she's always told me the truth. It's just well. Have I been able to hear her? Have I? Yeah, is the noise too loud?

Speaker 1 25:40

I don't want to hear sometimes what my daughter's truth is at this moment and what she thinks she needs, because I think I know better yeah, we think we know better.

Speaker 2 25:51

That's in all of us, and so now, coming at this from a place of awareness, I might ask if it was all going on the outside and I was getting all of this advice and information. Is that advice aligning with not just my values but my child's uniqueness, their sensitivities, but also my relational wisdom? What do I understand, what am I feeling, what am I sensing? And really, above all, just get quiet and trust, trust this, trust myself, trust. It's hard, though, because I didn't even know what that meant back then.

Speaker 1 26:44

Now I have a sense of being able to hear my truth, but, boy, I guess it's a baptism of fire for a lot of us yeah, and I think and I look the same when I look back three or four years ago and I didn't even give myself the time Everything felt like putting out fires and again reinforced by everyone outside Take action, you've got to fix this.

Speaker 1 27:11

Oh my God, that was the tenor. I was activated and I was in rescue mode and so I wasn't able to tap into any of what you're talking about at all. When I did, I disregarded it, because there were times when my daughters pretty clearly said oh, I don't want to be sent away or I don't want to, I want God's thing. That she said so clearly is I want my home, I want my home, and it didn't resonate. I think, really, deep down, what she was calling out for was really what she needed. That was her real voice, that was her authentic need. That she was articulating is that she needed to feel stable and have a home and be connected to people around her.

Reclaiming Power and Setting Boundaries

Speaker 2 27:57

I'd love to come alongside you at this point and with something that my daughter said to me. Similarly, she would say I don't feel safe at home. For me, that was what do you even mean? You don't feel safe at home? It's just you, me and your dad and the dog and the cat. What the hell? What are we doing? I was so caught up in that and now I look back and what she's saying is I'm not safe to be myself. When you look at me, you're seeing somebody. That's not okay. When I express myself, you're not okay. When I'm feeling like I can't be in my own skin or I can't be here, you're freaking out and going out and trying to fix everything it. When I'm feeling like I can't be in my own skin or I can't be here, you're freaking out and going out and trying to fix everything. I'm not safe to just be.

Speaker 1 28:49

My daughter's vocalization that she wanted to be at home is not about a physical home, but it's about an emotional home. It's about this feeling of acceptance of herself, of her accepting herself, of the people around her accepting her, of seeing her unconditionally and feeling safety, and so that's what she was really expressing to us, which was difficult for me to understand at the time so how might you respond to that if you had your time again?

Speaker 1 29:26

I think I would take that really seriously and I would think what can we do that takes that into consideration how important that need is for her, and build something around that as a starting point, this idea of home. And that might have been just staying where she was at the time, maybe putting in a few other supports and just believing that we had to ride it out, no matter how uncomfortable that was. I think I really would have done that. I'm hearing the word faith inside. Oh my gosh, faith, faith, faith in her faith in the world, faith in our relationship with her faith, faith in our own capacity, in our own power to give her what she needed, and less faith in the system right which we know is oh, yeah, now what it needs to be yeah, thank you, and likewise it's a slightly different situation with my daughter.

Speaker 2 30:28

When she was talking to me about not feeling safe at home, I remember I did take it very seriously. It was really heavy for me to hear that. But I misunderstood and I immediately went into fixing mode and imagining and I went into fear. So I'd like to believe now, if I were to be back in that situation, knowing what I know now, that I would immediately just sit down honestly and just come alongside her and just go whoa, that really sucks. That's really heavy. I'm so sorry that you don't feel safe. What, what do you think you might need? And then just zip it because I don't have the answers. You might not know, but at least she'll know that I really hurt her.

Speaker 1 31:28

I think something that you had touched on earlier which we really didn't really get into is this idea of re-empowering ourselves as parents, and part of that is, of course, acceptance and connection and attunement and faith in our own capacity and our instincts. But part of it, too, is the limits and boundaries and being okay with those. Can you say a bit more about that? I think, as part of this disempowerment, of course, it's so much harder to put in place boundaries because we're always questioning ourselves yeah, we don't have any internal rudder what we will support and what we won't support, and separating that from the connection with them and realizing that the connection with them is not based on or tied to whether or not we have boundaries that are legitimate and make sense for us and are based on our values.

Key Takeaways: Faith and Possibility

Speaker 1 32:39

So, terry, should we just round up the key takeaways from this episode. Does that sound good? That sounds like a great idea, yeah.

Speaker 1 32:47

So I think, to start, we talked about just having this recognition that the system as it is can really disempower us as parents and cause us to not trust our instincts and our gut. And I think, as you were saying, it's okay to just say this isn't working, yeah, and just sit with that and to think about what it will take, what we need to do to reclaim our power and to trust our instincts. And we talked a bit about turning inwards, taking some space and realizing that most things don't need to be figured out immediately and that really we don't need to have an answer for our child's healing. It's the big picture. We just need to figure out what makes sense the next day, the next week, very much taking into consideration our child's wholeness, seeing this and really hearing what they need, no matter how hard or complicated this is to hear, and building around.

Speaker 1 33:58

And from this we talked about the acknowledgement of what healing actually takes, that therapy can be great, provide safety when it provides safety, but it isn't necessarily the magic wand and there can be a whole series of circumstances and connections and situations that can lead to healing that we can't orchestrate. We talked about the timeline for healing and that, again, given our desire to quickly fix everything which is misguided, we have to recognize that it can take weeks and months and years, recognize that it can take weeks and months and years and, again, we just have to have patience and faith in the process. We talked a little bit about this idea of possibility and I just wanted to come back to that because I think it's so important to think about, rather than our kids potential, their possibility, and recognizing that this possibility is not based on the probability of what will happen, based on the past yeah, I love that.

Speaker 2 35:14

So potential is us imagining what we might want for our kids. But what if possibility were asking our kids hey, what's possible for you, like through you, from you, and we can hold high imaginings for our kids? I don't think there's any harm in that at all, but it's very positive when they're in a dark place. But in terms of possibility, what do they want?

Speaker 1 35:47

I love that Good. We hope this conversation was helpful and we look forward to seeing you next time.

Speaker 2 35:53

Thank you, catherine, that was awesome. Bye everybody, thank you. Okay, here's the legal stuff. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. We are not licensed therapists and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. See you next time.