"Don't Be Afraid of Being Yourself": Therapy, Boundaries & Being Authentic | Marisa Mansfield (S1:E10)

In this episode of To All The Girls Out There, I'm joined by counsellor and educator Marisa Mansfield for an honest conversation about authenticity, self-worth, therapy, boundaries, and what it really means to be yourself.

Marisa opens up about her childhood growing up between privilege and hardship, the lessons she learned from adversity, and why she believes the worst thing we can be afraid of is fear itself.

We talk about making peace with your past instead of living with regret, why therapy can be life-changing, and how to stop performing for other people and start building a life that feels true to you.

We also discuss:

🩷 Growing up with trauma and becoming resilient

🩷 Therapy, healing, and breaking generational cycles

🩷 Why regrets get you nowhere

🩷 Learning to make peace with your past

🩷 Boundaries, self-respect, and saying no

🩷 Women, equality, and knowing your worth

🩷 Why being yourself is harder than it sounds

🩷 Social media, influencers, and performative lifestyles

🩷 Finding your identity instead of following the crowd

🩷 How to stop people pleasing and live authentically

🩷 Why not everyone has to like you

🩷 Building confidence one small step at a time

One of my favourite reminders from this episode is:

"You are the only perfect version of yourself."

If you've ever struggled with confidence, people pleasing, fitting in, comparison, or feeling like you've lost yourself, I hope this episode reminds you that you don't need to become somebody else to be worthy 🤍

If you enjoyed this episode, share it with a girl who needs to hear it and leave a review — it helps the podcast reach more girls who need these conversations.

Website👩🏽‍💻: toallthegirlsoutthere.com

Instagram📷: @toallthe_girlss

Transcript

Marisa Mansfield (00:00)

Lift off!

To All The Girls (00:02)

Yay. Okay. Hey, hey girls. Welcome back to all the girls out there. Today we have an amazing guest. This is someone who has been mentioned on the podcast before. Someone who really helped me during a time in life where like her words and most importantly being herself, like she gave me a lot of hope and confidence in myself. So hopefully she can give us some tips.

Marisa Mansfield (00:03)

Yay!

To All The Girls (00:31)

as well and she's just someone I'm truly to have ⁓ grateful to have crossed paths with honestly like honestly so today

Marisa Mansfield (00:39)

Well, I'm very proud

to call you a friend.

To All The Girls (00:43)

and yeah so today we have Marisa here. Thank you so much for coming Marisa. How are you feeling?

Marisa Mansfield (00:55)

Really good. It's Sunday morning. I wish it was a bit sunnier, but hey, they're in the breaks, so we work with what we've got. I'm very privileged. I consider myself privileged to be here. So I'm looking forward to this. Throw anything you like at me.

To All The Girls (01:11)

Thank you, thank you. No, that's what I wanted to have you on because I knew that you would have a lot to share and a lot of wisdom, especially stuff that you've already shared with me. Anyway, let's get into it. So ⁓ one thing about you is when I'm speaking with other people, yeah.

And like, we're talking about stuff like careers and stuff. I always think back to you and how you've done so many things over the course of your life. And it's like, oh my gosh, like, okay, cool, you're a counselor, but at one point you were in construction or you was in like, the army or whatever. And I'm like, how did you do like so many things like that? It's so cool to have so many anecdotes. But.

For us to understand your story a bit more, let's start from like environment, your environment growing up. So what was that like for you?

Marisa Mansfield (02:20)

It was a cross between Dickensian horror and abject privilege. It vacillated between two points. I was very, very lucky. I had a private education, had some years at boarding school. My godfather was an Earl, that kind of stuff. High privilege. Thank you very much. Not complaining. But on the other hand, my father was mentally ill.

and was exceedingly abusive and violent. So we switched from one thing to the other, from luxury to absolute horror. But as you know, because we've talked about it, my family were caterers, we're Italian immigrants, and we had restaurants and import, export, all the things you traditionally associate with Italian immigration. We did.

Which meant that in all honesty there wasn't much time for us because the businesses always came first. So it was a difficult childhood. Difficult and horrible and wonderful and all of the above. But it certainly wasn't easy.

My paternal grandmother or grandfather always used to say, even if you hate catering, you've always got something to fall back on, which is true because I have done several times. But the truth of the matter is, when you grow up in difficult circumstances, you go one of two ways. You can either become overwhelmed by it and it shapes your life.

To All The Girls (03:47)

Hmm.

Marisa Mansfield (04:05)

Or you become a survivor and you become somebody who loses fear of ⁓ fear, really. And therefore I've sort of stumbled through the last 60 years. I turned 60 a few weeks ago, Fatima, it's very depressing. ⁓ And yeah, I don't know. Now I'm an old bird.

To All The Girls (04:33)

I don't

think that's depressing.

Marisa Mansfield (04:36)

not really. I just say that for shiggles really. That's my sole purpose for saying that. For sympathy and for everybody to go, my god, it's amazing. But the reality is that I don't think I made a decision to be a strong woman. I think circumstances coming from generations of exceedingly strong women who

To All The Girls (04:47)

You

Marisa Mansfield (05:04)

were raised in different kinds of adversity just gave me ⁓ a lack of fear or fear and that's kind of has been my I'm mixing metaphors so I apologize but that's kind of been my my start that I followed is not being afraid.

To All The Girls (05:25)

you

So like from your childhood that kind of like molded you to be strong in a way. But then it's interesting because you were saying how for some people it can go like the opposite way and it can cause them to be completely like self-destructive. But what do you feel like is the difference? Do you think it's dispositional? Like in terms of you as a person

Marisa Mansfield (05:45)

Yeah, 100%.

To All The Girls (05:56)

Because why is it that some people are able to use it as a fuel to change their life for the better in a way? like, I don't want to say to their benefit, but you know, use it to their advantage or something. Whereas there's others who it completely messes them up.

Marisa Mansfield (06:09)

Mm-hmm.

I don't think there's one answer to that. I wish there was, because if there was, we could prevent anybody going the wrong way. Even in the face of adversity, I've got a very strong mum. I was raised primarily by my maternal grandmother, which is normal in Italian culture, and also because my mum always had to work. the women around me were indomitable.

They weren't the kind of people who gave in. And to be honest, a lot of strength comes from the need to survive. My maternal grandmother came to this country aged 13 at the turn of the last century. She couldn't read or write. By the time she was six years old, she'd baptized and buried one of her siblings who died at birth.

because they couldn't afford the pennies for the priest to come out. Or the lieder. wasn't pennies to afford, you know, literally nothing. ⁓ And therefore her and her brother, she performed a baptismal and a funeral for this baby. And they buried it in the grounds of their family home, which was a stone shack in the middle of nowhere.

And once you've experienced something like that, you tend not to be afraid. And she just passed that debt onto all of us. ⁓ We joke, still joke to this day, my grandmother came from the generation where women wore corsets and stood very upright. And she carried on her whole life.

as if she was wearing a corset. She wasn't, but she carried on as if she was. By standing upright and facing the world head on, she achieved an awful lot for a woman who couldn't read or write or speak the language. Yet she was indomitable and she raised her two daughters and her two sons the same way. My mum's the youngest.

It's...how do I put this? The nuns of my school used to say, if you enlist you have to soldier. And that's something I've always lived to. If you enlist for something, whether it's intentional or unintentional, you have to soldier.

So you can make a choice. Do I go down? Believe me, there's been times in my life when I could easily have just gone, pull the duvet over my head, I'm staying here for the next five years. But a lack of fear and an unwillingness to be beaten, you just get up and you carry on.

You get up, you show up and you shut up.

To All The Girls (09:42)

such a powerful thing and a powerful mindset to have because there's so many adversities and things that people can go through and like it's just it's so interesting to me because even me within my family there's certain people like who let's say have gone through a heartbreak

but it has completely absolutely shattered their life and this is like a heartbreak that has gone from like before I was born but then you have people who have faced that and like even though it might have been difficult are fine not yeah they've like they're self-sufficient you know they're able to get up and get on with their life so it's always kind of like fascinating me how is it that

Marisa Mansfield (10:17)

Mm-hmm.

To All The Girls (10:35)

you know someone has let that completely take a turn in their life for the worse and then there's other people who come out the other side and are like I'm not gonna let this bring me down and

Marisa Mansfield (10:48)

And the

imperative word there is let, because we don't always let things break us down. There is no separation. It's everybody, every human being has a breaking point, regardless. But it doesn't mean that that breaking point ⁓ is the end, you know.

But it's not, people don't choose to get overwhelmed by circumstances. Nobody does. You don't elect to go, right, can't be bothered with this, going to bed for five years. That's not the choice. Just sometimes it's more than a human can cope with. And that's also okay. To be honest, I'd be out of work if everybody could cope with everything. So yay. But you know,

I think the secret is to not make a distinction. It's not a question of them and one lot and the other lot. It's everybody's individual. Everybody can reach a point where they go, no, I simply can't cope. It's too much for me. My heart's broken, circumstances, whatever it is.

And that's not ⁓ a point of judgment. It's just a point of, yeah, okay, I get it.

To All The Girls (12:20)

When you think back to like, like your childhood and stuff, is there anything that you wish had unfolded differently?

Marisa Mansfield (12:29)

All of it. All of it. Who wants to grow up with a mentally ill parent who's exceedingly violent? Nobody wants to grow up like that. And there's secrets. We didn't talk about what was going on behind our front door. Because of my father's illness, my father's actually in a box behind us. Dad. The reality is that

I wouldn't want that. My grandchildren have got very safe, comfortable, happy lives and that's how it should be. But, you know, my brother and I weren't lucky. We didn't get that. We got trauma and we got violence and we got a lot of rubbish. And that's just the way it was. So heavens! I was deaf till I was seven. I had 70 % bilateral hearing loss.

and nobody noticed that I was four. Sounds quite awful. ⁓ There were reasons. And as a consequence, I wish I hadn't been born deaf. You know, I wish I wasn't dyslexic. I wish I didn't have ADHD. But the fact is, they're just part of me. So I champion them. But, ⁓ God, heavens above. If I could turn the clock back.

There's huge parts of my childhood I'd like to do over. I'd like to have enjoyed school. Didn't. Flippin' hated it. So no. But there's no point ⁓ saying, I wish. I don't believe in regrets. Because regrets get you nowhere. I wish I had, should have, would have, could have. What's that going to achieve?

Live in the moment, be present for the people you love and the people you care about. And if you've got stuff that's a burden to you, deal with it. Get help, speak to someone and deal with it. Don't carry that stuff around with you. We don't know how long we've got on this weird planet that we're stuck on. We have no idea. So

There is absolutely no point living a life that's about regret.

If you have regrets, then do over the things you regret. I regret, not me personally, but if somebody says to me, ⁓ I regret not going to uni, go to uni. Get your degree, go to open university. Don't whinge about it. Suck it up.

To All The Girls (15:25)

But do you not ever

have cringy moments where it's like, ⁓ I can't believe I did that.

Marisa Mansfield (15:31)

Oh, that's most of the last 60 years.

There's millions of things which I'm not putting out there people. You know who you are. Of course, I've got millions of stuff, millions of skeletons in my closet. And they are all happy skeletons, but yeah, there's plenty of, a lot of it's to do with being young in the 80s. Did I really wear that?

generally in life, yeah of course I've had relationships that I think why on earth did I go out with this person and then think what the hell did I see in them?

To All The Girls (16:15)

You

Marisa Mansfield (16:21)

But I don't regret it.

no point regretting it because it's done you can't do it you can't if you take a cake out the oven and the cakes yeah not very nice you can't put it back in the oven and hope it comes out differently you either sling it in the bin or you just eat the damn cake

I'm big on metaphors today. I don't know how it is. I've just realised I'm getting very cheesy my old age

To All The Girls (16:59)

No, but that's like what makes you you.

And it seems like you are very comfortable or accepting, let's say accepting of that. But for those of, I wanna say us, but I'm on that journey. But for people who, it's like, okay, cool, I wanna be accepting of the...

Marisa Mansfield (17:06)

Okay.

To All The Girls (17:27)

of what has happened to me and whatever but I do struggle. What would you like say or what steps do you think one should like take to get to that point where they can accept maybe things that have happened to them or things that they regret doing?

Marisa Mansfield (17:31)

Mm-hmm.

Okay, well, I never use the word accept. I work from a place of make peace with. Because acceptance is something that perhaps is too big a goal. But being at peace with something, you know, I'm joking about my father's in a box behind me. It's his ashes, not his whole body, by the way. But they literally don't have him. My father in a box, it's his ashes, because nobody else wanted him.

And I'd made peace with him a long time ago because if I didn't it diminished me.

If you carry hate around with you, you get diminished by it. You become less of yourself. But I would say if anyone, man, woman, donkey, don't care, if there's something you're struggling with, something that you need or want to reconcile, and you're unable to do it yourself,

That's when you reach out for therapy. You reach out for that safe space where you're not judged. Nobody's going to get shocked. This isn't an advert, by the way. This is just a fact, is what I believe in. But I will be flashing my business card later. No, won't. That's where therapy is incredibly powerful. There's some things that your mom or your bestie

can't do for you because they're invested. They're invested in your pain. They feel it on your behalf. But counselling is about not having that emotional attachment to somebody. A counsellor isn't somebody who's emotionally involved with you and therefore your space, your voice is the only thing that matters.

And it's the best way to find peace with something.

That's 101 times, 101 million times how important I think it is. Not just because it's what I do for a living, but because I know it works. And we've all got ⁓ boxes in our mental attics, up in our brains, full of stuff we don't want to think about.

And you know what? Some of it can stay in that box. Some of it, yeah right, fine, okay. The time, my heavens, I can't believe I did that. Leave that in a box. That's harmless. That won't hurt you. But where there's things up there in that mental attic that cause you pain and it hurts, you feel physical, mental and emotional pain if you think about...

whatever, a relationship. Broken hearts are big ones. Poor family relationships, all of the above. If it's too painful to visit it yourself, that's when somebody else, a counselor, can help you come to terms and make peace with it.

Because we don't need and shouldn't carry that level of pain around with us, but unfortunately we do. It takes courage to pick up a phone and say, I want to talk about. It takes courage, I know that. But it also changes lives.

To All The Girls (21:50)

I can't wait to be able to afford therapy. Gonna do it like that. Deep inner work. But you know what, as well though, and it's quite an unfortunate thing, which you've probably experienced, where it's like in a lot of cultures it is frowned upon.

Marisa Mansfield (21:54)

You

Yeah,

100%. 100%. I'm very aware that there's cultural bias towards counseling. You don't air, or it's seen as not airing your dirty linen in public. You get shamed and shunned just by reaching out for help. So there is a thing called generational pain, which we recognize as being real.

So the pain of ⁓ other family members gets passed down and it remains festering and unresolved for generations because culturally it's not acceptable to seek counseling. But what I can say as a tutor, as ⁓ a lecturer is I'm seeing more and more multi-faith

interest in counselling, which to me is the most exciting thing. Because counselling should be for everyone. It's private, it's personal, but I understand that culturally it's not always seen as acceptable.

To All The Girls (23:30)

Yeah, 100%. It does break my heart sometimes because it's just like, feel like it's something that everyone should be able to experience. At least once, you know, if you try and you feel like it's not for you, then hey, but I think it is something that everyone should at least try once. I guess it's one of those things.

Marisa Mansfield (23:52)

But think about what

you did, Think about what you did, Fatima The first time you walked through that door for your level two, first time you walked through that door, you were setting an example for girls younger than you and women older than you. You're saying, actually, nobody, they're

Nobody can tell me that this is bad. So just one woman, or man, but particularly a young woman, stepping outside of cultural norms to try something which could be seen as socially unacceptable.

That's the start of a revolution.

And I just want more and more to encourage. Once you're 18, try it. Try it. You don't have to pay for private colleges. ⁓ But if you want to continue to pay my mortgage, yay. ⁓ But, you know, local colleges do intro courses to counseling.

To All The Girls (25:01)

Hahaha

Marisa Mansfield (25:09)

try it. It could, it might change your life. And if it doesn't change your life, it may change the life of a child you're yet to bring into the world. A younger sibling, a cousin.

Try it. You've got nothing to lose. You only fail if you don't try.

To All The Girls (25:34)

Yeah, literally. ⁓ I would, you do learn so much about yourself and your relationships with others as well. It is very like, eye-opening.

Marisa Mansfield (25:48)

Yeah, well, we started the session before you went live with me dictating how you should bully your younger siblings into doing more around the house. Which I spent 20 weeks doing, by the way. So Fatima's siblings are watching this.

To All The Girls (25:59)

Yeah.

Thank

Marisa Mansfield (26:05)

That's all I've got to say.

To All The Girls (26:07)

No, because I'm too like, ugh. I think, you know what, I think it is something that runs down the lines because I'm the oldest, my mom's the oldest, my grandma's the oldest. So as it trickles down, we're all just like, ugh, I'll just do myself, ugh, I'll just do myself. We just take charge of it. Yeah.

Marisa Mansfield (26:24)

Change the rules! Change the rules! Change the rules! Hey,

look, if you're the older sibling, there's just certain dynamics you can't avoid. That's it. You'll be the older sibling forever. And the baby will always be the baby. I know, I'm the baby in my family. So yeah, of course, we love those dynamics. That's part of love. But if you don't set the right example, which is...

your own personal boundaries about, man, you I work, I contribute, I'm not doing all the work around here. You guys do your share. Mum works, dad works, everybody's got to do their share. And if you're not, then I have an issue with you.

But don't just give in. This is a message for all of you out there. If you've got the younger sibling tagging along going, it's so hard. And they're washing a pot so slowly, rolling their eyes and going, And then they put a pot on the side and it's barely seen water. And then you go, for heaven's sake, I'll do it myself. Congratulations.

To All The Girls (27:28)

you

Marisa Mansfield (27:44)

you've just created a monster. If they don't do it properly you stand over them.

And you say, right, carry on. You're staying here till the job's done properly and then tomorrow we'll do the same thing. These are your chores. If you don't do them properly, there's consequences. You you take away whatever it is is most precious to them. Because you're in loco parentis, that's what happens when you're the oldest sibling, like it or not. So you've got the right to punish them. So you punish them.

To All The Girls (28:17)

That's what I've been

saying to myself. I've been saying like, yeah, I'm going to be more harsh, but then like, it comes around to it I'm just like, ugh, you know what? I just need the kitchen to be clean.

Marisa Mansfield (28:29)

And that's why they get away with it. Can't you not be clear? It won't take forever, but sooner or later you'll break them. But this applies to everything in life. I taught you about boundaries. Set a boundary, live to that boundary, your personal boundaries. Because if you don't, whatever, friendships, relationships, intimate relationships, all of the above, if you don't

earn your or don't have your own voice and say no, no, this is my line in the sand and I'm not crossing it. What's going to happen? You're going to be taken advantage of. You're going to be hurt. So just draw a line in the sand. No is not a dirty word for a woman. It's the most powerful word on the planet. No is no, not just

in intimate relationships, but in every relationship.

But the fact is nobody's gonna hand that to us. You have to stand up.

stand up there's no other way can't be mealy-mouthed and go ⁓ well okay just this once because if you do if you agree to something once that you really aren't comfortable with morally even faith-based and you allow that boundary to be pushed or broken then what's gonna happen

there'll be further pushes. No, do this. Smoke, drink. it's okay. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. It comes down to, as women, we have equal rights to any bloke on this planet, but we don't need to be given them. They're ours.

So no is no, and that's how it's going to be. But in return for that, you have to be prepared to stand up and walk away.

Can't have it both ways. Can't say, oh no, you crossed my boundaries. You know, I don't like this. This makes me uncomfortable. Whatever it is. You have to, equality isn't something we have to be given. Well, legally we did, but morally we never did. We just have to say, if the bloke next to you is getting paid more for the same job, you go,

Sorry, tough luck. Either pay me the same or I'm out of here. And live by that.

To All The Girls (31:26)

See?

It's so true, because that's what I've been saying. I've said it like, I don't know how many times in this podcast, but like, I was just saying how like, as women, are not, there's, we need more audacity. Like...

Marisa Mansfield (31:42)

Not audacity. Not

audacity at all. To be equal, you just have to know you're equal. You touched on before, I part of my misspent youth was restoring listed buildings with big burly builders and I was their boss. But the fact is, if a bag of cement needed carrying,

I've got to be prepared to carry that bag of cement because I am equal. I'd rather not. But I'm def... If there's a blocked toilet, I've got to be prepared to stick my hand down a U-bend because I am equal. And that is the difference. If you want to be considered equal, then live equal. And if you're not given equality,

in the workplace or in a relationship, you've got to be prepared for going, no, no, not settling for second best and walk away.

To All The Girls (32:49)

Yeah, but that's what I mean by like the not settling part. Because I feel like guys are way better at that. Like if something, let's say for example the job scenario, if it's like they're not going to get paid the amount that...

they know that they're worth, they'll easily say no. But I feel like as woman there's always, ⁓ okay, I'll just take it, or you know,

Marisa Mansfield (33:17)

But that's a

But isn't that a choice? I understand if a woman's got kids at home and is a sole provider having a job to be able to keep a roof up, yeah, that's powerful. But by the same token, nobody, no woman should still accept second best.

To All The Girls (33:21)

Yeah, of course it is.

Marisa Mansfield (33:42)

So if we allow ourselves to accept second best, even in really serious circumstances, then the fact of the matter is we then can't blame other people. We have to say, yeah, I allowed that to happen. These are the reasons, but I still allowed it to happen. So a single mom who needs a job to keep a roof over a kid's heads, well, OK.

You may have to suck it up short term, but you're then looking for another job or two jobs, whatever it takes to be able to go nah

not having this. Bye and walk away.

It's about self-respect as well. How can we respect ourselves or demand respect if we're not living our lives according to what we say is our truth? You can't talk it, you've got to live it.

You know, I once, probably shouldn't admit this, ⁓ but I will. I was with some friends at Liverpool Street Station and...

It was when they were doing it up, it was a very long time ago. I know what's coming and I kind of already wish I hadn't started telling you this. Anyway, ⁓ it was when they were doing it up the first time. So that was 80s, early 80s. And there were some builders up, some scaffolding and myself and a group of friends, we'd think been to the seaside for the day. So we're standing at the bus stop, went in the bus and these builders were shouting and

hurling the worst kind of sexual abuse, worst kind of discriminatory language. Even I was shocked and I'm not very easily shocked, but it was bad and they wouldn't let up. And a couple of my friends who were with me were younger than me. I was in my late teens. And so I shouted back.

and said, you carry on mate, you're going to regret it. And they didn't take me seriously. But I didn't make a threat without the intention of following through. I just hoped they would get the message. They didn't. So I climbed the scaffolding and I punched one of them. And ⁓

Am I proud? No, of course I'm not. Can't go through life slugging people. That's not how you solve problems. But it was an extreme situation. ⁓ It wasn't just personally offensive. It was terrifying for the young girls with me. They were absolutely terrified. So I didn't make a threat.

I just told the guy what was going to happen. He didn't believe me. He paid the price.

But I to say violence by the way. By the way folks, violence is not the answer. But if you're a woman, learn how to punch. Go to a boxing class.

To All The Girls (37:11)

No, sometimes it

is, sometimes it is though. It isn't, but sometimes there's some people...

Marisa Mansfield (37:18)

circumstances I literally have no regrets. I have no regrets whatsoever and the look on his face has stayed with me for 40 odd years. It was joyous because he wasn't expecting me to kick off my shoes, a scaffolding up three, I think it was two or three flights of scaffolding and deck him.

But you've got to stand by what you believe and you've got to stand by your words.

Don't make a threat. Never make a threat. Make a promise. If you make a promise, you gotta live it, see it through.

To All The Girls (37:59)

Yeah, Or it's, ⁓ there's like a song lyric and she's like, it's not a threat, it's a warning. Basically, it's like, I'm warning. Yeah.

Marisa Mansfield (38:08)

No, I call it a promise. I mean, I call something a promise.

If I say, if you don't stop doing this, this will happen, that is an ironclad promise. And I've got to be prepared to see it. So mean, that's an extreme case. And more importantly, it's comedy value as well. But the reality is many, many, many times in my life and in my multiple careers.

To All The Girls (38:27)

Yeah.

Marisa Mansfield (38:37)

I've made a promise and I've seen it through because I won't do anything else but stick to my word.

It's also about personal integrity.

You've to look at yourself in the mirror and say, did I do my best? Did I do the right thing? And I'd rather get in trouble for doing the wrong thing for the right reason than the other way around.

To All The Girls (39:12)

Yeah, 100%. You know, it's interesting because even with like the personal integrity thing, like... It's like... For me...

Even I know like I have my values and stuff that I stand for and even other people but I get so, I don't want to say agitated but it is something that I definitely look out for when there's someone else who claims to have certain values or things that they live by and it's like they don't follow through with it.

or it doesn't show, I think it is something that I definitely value when it comes to people, like my close set of people or people in my life. Because you know when you're so used to you or like your own world, you kind of forget that wait, not everybody actually has that level of integrity Yeah.

Marisa Mansfield (40:03)

Mm-hmm.

integrity

To All The Girls (40:13)

A lot of people say things and it's like it might not even be that they don't mean it. It's just generally that they can't follow through with it. Do you know what I'm saying? What?

Marisa Mansfield (40:22)

But I would flip

that around and say, who are you to judge?

To All The Girls (40:26)

Yeah,

Marisa Mansfield (40:27)

stand, your integrity, your personal standards are yours. We're not in a position to judge anybody else's. Everybody's got to live their own truth. And if they do, they do. If they don't, they don't. The difference is you don't have to invite into your life or continue to have in your life people whose values are

in direct opposition to your own. You can make that choice, but you can't judge. You don't have the right to do that.

To All The Girls (41:03)

Okay, so giving her flowers. Giving her flowers is a section in this podcast where you ⁓ honor or give appreciation or flowers to a woman or a set of women.

Marisa Mansfield (41:15)

Okay.

To All The Girls (41:26)

because sometimes we can be put against each other a lot. So I want to have a moment where instead of going against each other, we are honouring and appreciating. So I just wanted to ask you, is there a woman or a set of women that you would like to show appreciation for or give flowers to?

Marisa Mansfield (41:31)

Mm-hmm.

Definitely. They have to be alive.

To All The Girls (41:54)

No.

Marisa Mansfield (41:55)

Okay, well top of my list will always be my nonna, my maternal grandmother who brought me up because she was all woman. 5'1 of ⁓ absolute drive and passion and emotional mental strength. She was unstoppable.

She faced the world head on and woe betide anyone who ⁓ messed with her. But she was caring, she worked, worked. She was what was called a cottage midwife. So she wasn't a trained midwife, but she would deliver babies, do practical nursing, all voluntary.

She did so many things that were way beyond what an illiterate immigrant woman should have been able to do. So she gets a huge bunch of flowers. ⁓ And secondly, probably my girl, my Sarah Jane, I helped raise my niece. So she's not my biological child, ⁓ but she is my kid.

Well, she's 42, not really a kid. But she would also get the second biggest bunch of flowers because I'm damn proud of her. She's one tough, gentle, loving, natural woman. But you don't pick a fight with her.

because she's only five foot two, but she knows her worth and she accepts nothing but what she's worth. And she's raising my granddaughter, Eliza, the same way. So Eliza will have the same set of values. I can't leave my mum out. I've got to give my mum a bunch of flowers. The venerable Maria is all right.

So it's basically three bunches of flowers. They can split one between them.

To All The Girls (44:21)

Yes. No, they can all have their own own bunches of flowers. There's enough flowers in the world to go round Yeah.

Marisa Mansfield (44:25)

that's generous. Yeah, but they're the women in the family. ⁓

god, there's millions. If I had an endless supply of flowers, there's endless amounts of women who've helped shape me. And more with each passing day. We meet people on our own personal journey. But yeah, they're my girls. They're my crew.

My ride or dies. That's it. It's expression. Ride or dies.

To All The Girls (45:00)

And you talk about them a lot as well so it's definitely like apparent and clear you know that they've shaped you and they have a big part in your life.

Marisa Mansfield (45:14)

100 % if you expect love you've got to be prepared to give it Love is the one thing on this planet that that's free if love Enters your life and there's a price to pay then it's not love because love is free and it's unconditional But if there's a price to pay or somebody wants man or woman wants you to earn love

Walk away.

There you go, kiddo.

To All The Girls (45:52)

I

Marisa Mansfield (45:54)

Don't you agree?

You're a wise young woman.

To All The Girls (45:59)

Thank you. Okay, so Marisa, one thing that like I acknowledged and really admired about you is about how you're just yourself, like how you're unapologetically yourself.

And I feel like in theory it can sound nice, like, just be yourself, don't care about what everyone else thinks, you know? But it is something that can be difficult. ⁓ I just want to for you, have you ever had moments where you didn't feel safe enough to be yourself or ever felt ashamed, maybe?

Marisa Mansfield (46:26)

100%.

I've certainly never felt ashamed and I've never found it difficult but there have been many many times in my life where being my authentic self hasn't been received well because I'm a lot, I know that ⁓ and I really don't care but it hasn't always been ⁓ the easiest journey because

When you live in a world where you're meant to fit a mold and you don't really care to fit that mold, always going to, you always know that you're going to have, and again I'm mixing metaphors so I am so sorry, you know you've got to just, you know, put your shoulders to the wheel. You've just got to keep pushing forward.

So ashamed? No. Difficult? Sometimes yes. But I've never once tried to be less than I am. I've never dimmed my own light ⁓ so somebody else can shine brighter. Never have done, never will. You take me as I am or don't bother.

Because if the worst thing that happens is that someone or something walks by me because I'm too much for them. Not my circus, not my monkey.

And how do you get to be like that? ⁓ Life, experience and choices. You make choices to live your truth. If you don't, you'll be living a lie. And I would like to go, when I go out of this world, hopefully in a very long time, I'd like to at least know and have people standing around my grave going,

She drove me insane. My heavens, the world would be a lot quieter now. There'll be less opinions, but she, she, you know, I, I, ⁓ let's have bit of Frank Sinatra. did it my way. ⁓ and that's the only way I know how to be. Just don't let anybody tell you you're not enough or

To All The Girls (48:52)

You

my goodness.

Marisa Mansfield (49:19)

tell you you're too much. Because it's just not true. You're your own perfect version of you. Every one of us is unique. And we should be unique. You know, don't turn on Love Island and think that's something I aspire to be. And

spend your life chasing a brand deal with a laxative, go for it That's all you're going to stand for.

To All The Girls (49:57)

Now I was going to say, unless it's something that you actually want to do, there's some people who just generally need their dream.

Marisa Mansfield (50:04)

But it's their dream. But what is it? It's nothing. It's not about talent. It's not about ⁓ hard work. Yeah, sure. If becoming an actor or an actor or a musician or a writer, you know, anything at all.

And you need a path to get there by all means. I know I won't tell you this just in case my mother watches this. She doesn't know. You know, I've had jobs when I was a lot younger that were very much about my physical form. And I needed a mean straight end because I needed an extra income. I don't have a problem with that.

Get your kit off. You know, that's not a problem at all. There's no moral standing here. So if it's a means to an end, go for it kiddo. Because this world is tough. But if it's in and of itself, what are you hoping to achieve?

Well, the fact is it's beyond superficial in that there's nothing that determines what that is. Because unless you're marketable, because you've got something to say, a platform, great. If you're passionate about, you know, ⁓ politics or music or

Fashion, makeup, great. You can use all those things as your platform to get you to be, to have a focus on you. know, break into TV, break into radio, break into whatever you can. Great. Go for it. But in and of itself, if there isn't an end goal, it's vapid and pointless.

I shall now remove my soapbox and sit down.

To All The Girls (52:22)

No, And that's the other thing, because if it becomes performative as well, you lose what you were saying of being yourself. And I think one of the most difficult things when it comes to things like that as well is that the media now feel like they have so much control over how a person behaves.

and like everyone will come online, why did they say this, why did they say that, why did you do this and so many people lose their their authentic flair and online you see a lot of copy and paste, copy and paste, copy and paste everybody looks the same, everyone's doing the same thing ⁓ you know, everyone's just looking exactly the same yeah

Marisa Mansfield (52:59)

Yep, my turn.

Well, that's exactly what I'm saying. It's rapid and pointless in

and of itself. It doesn't achieve anything, but you're right. We live in a world where, you know, to be honest, if I had a public profile, I'd be canceled in about 12 minutes because there's very few people I can't choose to offend. And I don't mean offend somebody because of their political views or

To All The Girls (53:28)

You

Marisa Mansfield (53:38)

their cultural differences. That's the stuff that excites me. That's what I want to learn about and, you know, enjoy and celebrate. But the rest of it, I don't have time for. I don't have time for, well, you looked funny at this person. it's got to be a lawsuit. No, thank you.

So it's really, really lucky that ⁓ I don't have a public platform because I'd spend my whole life in the High Court.

To All The Girls (54:13)

But I also think this is the thing as well though. I also think it's how you position yourself. I think for the people online who are like, this is who I am, I don't care. You can try to cancel them, but they're kind of uncancellable because it's like they are so, that's them regardless. They're not gonna come online and try to walk on eggshells and be like, ⁓ you know, I'm sorry, marketing. They're like, hey, like this is what I believe. You know the people who are really like, I don't wanna say magnetic.

but the more controversial you are the more you are because it's like you people who are

Marisa Mansfield (54:48)

that's performative.

because I'm not a social media junkie as everybody knows. But the reality here is there are huge amounts of keyboard jockeys out there who love to be, I'm going to be confrontational and I'm going to be controversial just because it gets them attention, not because

To All The Girls (55:14)

Yeah, 100%.

Marisa Mansfield (55:16)

they actually mean or care about what they say. And that, again, in and of itself is pointless.

You get somebody like Nick Ferrari, good Italian boy, yay Nick, ⁓ who basically couldn't have his mouth sewn up if you tried. So I'm sure he's constantly in trouble because he speaks his own truth, whether you like it or not. But there's a vast difference between somebody and yeah, I'm sure some of it's probably a fair amount is performative because that's become his shtick.

But when you get a 19 year old who all due respect to 19 year olds hasn't been anywhere, hasn't done anything, has only just learned to use cutlery and wipe their own backsides, please don't come to me and say, well, I'm going to be controversial. You barely cooked. You've got to earn the right to have strong opinions by living. If you haven't lived.

then I'm sorry All due respect to young people. You can be as educated as you want, but if you haven't actually lived in this society in a meaningful way and actually face some adversity, and by the way, adversity is not not having the latest trainers, that is not adversity, but actually struggled.

To All The Girls (56:54)

Mm-hmm.

Marisa Mansfield (56:57)

you know, struggled to get a job, had to work your way through uni, done those things, that gives you the breadth of experience to be able to say, this is what I believe.

But if you're just getting it from social media, then please, please, please don't come near me, because I will eat you for breakfast and spit out the

To All The Girls (57:29)

And I, but I feel like all those things come into play when it comes to people trying, ⁓ struggling basically to be themselves. I think there's too much performance, like too social media, people are performing or whatever and

maybe people don't feel safe enough to be themselves. think, I don't know, like thank god me and my sisters, like the way we were brought up, it's like we don't...

When it comes to that performative like aspect of things, we're like the complete opposite. If someone, people have like, if everyone has the same jacket, we're like, okay, no, I'm not going to get that jacket because everyone has it. Unless it's something that we strongly, strongly, strongly like and everyone has it, we're like, okay, then you know what? Everyone has it, but I really like it so I can go for it. But even things like certain like makeup looks, me and my sister, if we try lashes, I'm like, my gosh, no.

this doesn't suit my eye shape I'm not doing it I'm not doing it I can't do it like because we're just like we cannot be copy and paste but I think maybe part of that also came from when we was younger my mum anytime but this person has this she will shut it down like

Don't come into my house and tell me that person has that or this person has this so you must have it. If you want it, let me know but it's not because she has it, you're gonna go get it and I feel like maybe that's what it is that has ⁓ played a part in us not having like that performative kind of ideology where it's... Yeah.

Marisa Mansfield (59:15)

you have your own identities Fatima, that's the

difference. You're not just a lump of humanity, you're individual people with your own developing characters and belief systems and ⁓ coping mechanisms and life experiences. So you're all individual and that's good and bad because we're all a mix of

good and bad. But when you don't have that, when you are just part of a lump, then how can you be individual? Because being individual is scary. You're out there on your own. We as human beings have a natural inclination to need a tribe, need a place of belonging.

And that is hardwired into us. It's like a lizard brain thing. So everybody, particularly when they're young, seeks out a place to belong. It could be the geek squad. It could be the sporty crew. It could be the academics. You know, there's all these different groups, these different sort of large cliques. And somehow,

we're programmed to seek refuge with a group, a tribe. So although I condemn them loudly, ⁓ truth be told, a lot of this performance, the performative quality of these influences and whatever else is because they're too scared.

to actually break away from a tribe. And that's their tribe, as you say. Go out on a Saturday night, you'll see 30 girls, all dressed almost identically, because that's their tribe. That, I understand, may not be my journey, but I understand it.

But it's when that becomes your only identity, you don't develop as a fully formed human. You are just unable to walk away from that tribe. And therefore their views, their opinions, being fitting in is something that becomes a driver. Okay, again, not my journey.

But I don't diss anybody who finds that's their place, their refuge. I don't understand it, but I don't dismiss it. Where I dismiss it is when that becomes more about living your life through what others see and think. So again,

hit the world of influencers for five minutes. The sole existence is based on other people's opinions. So whether that's your likes or whatever they're called, but also your brand alliances. Whatever the brand alliance or alliances is or are,

To All The Girls (1:02:38)

Bye.

Mm-hmm.

Marisa Mansfield (1:03:00)

you're having to live according to what they dictate. You are representing them. So they're representing you. You're just a means to an end, which is to sell a product. You're not a person. You're a product yourself.

And in the old days, again, I'll use Katie Price slash Jordan. She sold herself as a product. I'm a product. So marketing, branding, business, yeah. That's it. You are buying Jordan. Katie Price is somebody completely different. She's at home with the horses. But this character, Jordan, yeah, grand. So these young people now, young people who...

are in that trap haven't got the sense of, right, most of them, not all of them, some of them are canny, haven't got the sense to go, right, I'm going to sell me as a product. And when I've done selling me, I've got enough money in the bank, I'm going to start a business, I'm going to write books, I'm going to do something that really fills my heart.

This is a means for an end. But unfortunately, a larger percentage than not don't have a goal, don't have a sense of self that's driving them as a product. They think that's forever, but it's not. It never is. Because there's always somebody next to you or coming along or, you know, who's the next

person who fills your slot in the tribe. And then you're out and you've got nothing to replace that. Nothing. And that's where it goes wrong. And that's where we are seeing more and more mental health issues, emotional issues, because it comes down to who am I? I've been doing this for 10 years.

and suddenly it's over, who am I? Well, you didn't build an identity. You were just a product. That's it. So without that identity, without a sense of self, how do you live? You can't.

To All The Girls (1:05:42)

And it's difficult because that's where the comparison comes in and that people are comparing themselves to like, I don't even want to say fake lives, yeah, but it's almost fake because it's like, Instagram is such a weird app. Like whenever I go on it and I see people's posts, it is so easy to curate a lifestyle, but you don't actually live like that. And the reason I'm saying that it's fake, but it's not fake,

is because people are posting their highlights right so it's like you have experienced that you have gone on holiday you have gone to the fast food fancy restaurant you have done these things I'm not saying you haven't but you've took your highlights maybe over the course of like what

six months these are things you've done but like people are seeing that and thinking this is your day-to-day life yeah she's eating at a a sky top or rooftop ⁓ restaurant like every other week but it's like no they've intentionally took these things posted it because no they're not going to post with the crying or the boring days you know they're not going to post all of that they've posted all of that and now you're seeing that and you're thinking ⁓ i want that lifestyle i want

Marisa Mansfield (1:07:00)

But why is that aspirational? Why is that aspirational? The fact is that may be somebody's jam, but why is it aspirational? Surely the aspiration should be, should come from a sense of self. What is it I want? And yeah, if you want that lifestyle, work for it. Get off of your backside and find a

To All The Girls (1:07:10)

Yeah.

Marisa Mansfield (1:07:30)

path, whatever that path is, to get to where you want to go. Otherwise,

None of those things are true. If you aspire for a fake life, then that's what you'll have. You'll have a fake life. And keeping up that facade is hard. It's hard. Because ultimately, we are all also programmed to seek authenticity at some point in our lives. And when we look around and go,

actually what is real. I'm so worried about being seen in the street with, you know, a bunion. I'm, you know, my god I've broken a nail that's the end of the world.

If that is how, if that's your value, that's how you're going to be treated.

That's how people will, that will be the extent that people who enter your world care about you. Because they just see you as that, that product. And that includes relationships. You know, it's...

If you live a fake life and have a fake relationship, it's exhausting.

That's it. It's exhausting because you've got to sell your brand. Well, if

You've got enough money to have a really good lifestyle. Make sure your children are well educated and you're financially secure.

and you've got love and you've got respect and you have self-respect then you're a winner. If however you live in mortal fear of somebody or something ⁓ breaking open the fourth wall onto the emptiness of your life I'm not gonna say Beckham's, it was just a cough.

⁓ then that's, that's all there is. No amount of money, no amount of pouting at the camera is ever going to change the fact that whether it's real or not, your kids are dysfunctional. Your kids are a mess and they're a mess because that's the world you brought them up in. That's what you told them your, their values are.

All that matters is a brand. All that matters is how you look. Nothing else matters. And therefore, they have no faith-based system. They have no cultural identity. They have no true tribe of their own. And kids flounder. You see it time and again in the lives of the rich and shameless.

that kids fall off the wagon, whether it's drugs, drink, whatever it is.

To All The Girls (1:10:58)

Yeah, so true.

Marisa Mansfield (1:10:59)

And you always can trace

it back to a lifestyle that they've been raised in that was less about authenticity and more about image.

Not everybody has to have a faith-based system. That's up to the individual. I make no judgment or alignment. But the truth of the matter is we all still have to have an identity. And if you aren't helped to create your own identity, then sooner or later you're going to be lost, going, who am I? What do I stand for?

Well, you don't stand for anything. And that's heartbreaking.

To All The Girls (1:11:54)

But you know what's interesting? Because, for example, for me, let's flip the coin on the other side of that. I wouldn't say like I'm the most perfect, unapologetically yourself all the time. It's definitely something that I'm working towards and strive to be. But it's not because of performative and wanting to, you know...

whatever like whatever ideals that other people have of me or have of society that you're supposed to reach but it's more about you have an idea of how you want to be and who you want to be and now you want to control so that people see you the way you know you want to be do you get what I'm saying?

Marisa Mansfield (1:12:44)

And that is, that's your journey. When I met you, as I've said to you many times, it took weeks to get a word out of your mouth.

let alone get you to arrive on time and do your homework. Had to get that in for good measure. But it was true. You were present but you didn't have your own voice. It took a little time, not very long, it took a little time for you to actually fully engage with a group of people you'd never met, group of people from all different walks of life.

To All The Girls (1:13:03)

you

Marisa Mansfield (1:13:30)

And what happened was the whole group ended up becoming its own mini tribe.

but all of you kind of found your own way in. But you're still growing and developing and doing things like this, which by the way, big thumbs up, super proud of you, is about you finding your own way. You're not on a time clock, Fatima You're not, I've got to know exactly who I am and where I'm going by.

the 25th of whatever, whenever.

You don't even know what you really want to do to earn your keep, yeah?

okay you'll find that and the reason I'm confident you'll find it is because you keep trying all right that didn't work out ⁓ hated doing that I'll go and do this instead see if I like doing this see if I want to go to uni see if I want to go to college it's all part of that journey and it isn't about

There being a time in a day where somebody wakes up and goes, yep, I am my own self and I don't care. Do I think every woman should?

Be able to say, this is who I am unapologetically. Yes. Does it mean that every woman will? No. And I don't think that's wrong. Don't look at me as, or anybody like me, as being an example you want to follow.

take some of the good stuff and maybe say, yeah, I'm going to work on being my version of this. Not a copycat, but my version of whatever. But I'm not an ideal person. I'm not a perfect person. And there've been times in life where I have had to keep my mouth shut. It's caused physical pain, I can tell you that.

Because there's also this magic thing in life which is called compromise.

And particularly in relationships, we have to compromise.

And it's fair that we do that. So I don't expect to always have my own way. I kind of like it if I do, but I don't always expect to have my own way. And sometimes I have to compromise. I'm good with that. So don't look at your personal journey as being on a time clock, one, or secondly, being

anything but representing, rather, anything but you as an individual.

So you take the good things from mum, you take the good things from auntie, you take the good things from your besties, you take good stuff out of my gob, you take those things and you go, yeah, I like that, I like that, I like that. So I'm going to explore that aspect of myself and see where it takes me. That's it.

because you're unique. Every single one of you out there in podcast land, you're all individual. And be individual, just don't be afraid of being yourselves. But it doesn't mean yourself has to be loud and in your face like me.

It's okay to be quiet, it's okay to be... as long as you can look in the mirror and say to yourself, you know what? I've done good today.

That's all. Because you've got to be happy in your own skin. You've got to find a way to love and appreciate and respect yourself. That's what you're striving for.

But I can't give you a road map. Can't tell you what your next journey, part of your journey is. You've got to figure that out yourself. And that's the fun bit. You will go down wrong avenues and get to cul-de-sacs where you think, why the hell did I make that choice? And then you go, all right, okay, I've learned. What's next? And that applies to love and work and careers.

all of the above and false eyelashes.

To All The Girls (1:18:33)

Ha ha ha! ⁓

Marisa Mansfield (1:18:35)

If great big

TikTok ones don't work, get smaller ones. Nothing wrong with fake eyelashes, just find the ones that suit your face, not the ones that look like draft excluders.

To All The Girls (1:18:51)

What the hell? ⁓ my gosh. Yeah. 100%. Making sure you find the stuff that work for you. Myself.

Marisa Mansfield (1:19:05)

100 % 100 %

It's only your journey, not anybody else's. Live your life through your own lens, not what somebody else thinks you should be.

To All The Girls (1:19:24)

We are 100 % definitely a big thing that I've been having to, what's the word, ⁓ navigate the past two years. Well, we're getting there slowly, surely.

Marisa Mansfield (1:19:41)

course

hey listen I'm not fully cooked I'm cookie dough the same as everybody else I'm an evolution of myself and we all are that's the fun thing anybody who thinks yeah I'm a fully formed and you know human being they're delusional

We're all still, we'll forever be finding new stuff, new strengths, new passions, new ways of being. Let's just be 

To All The Girls (1:20:20)

Okay, so before we get back into that, I want to do for I Were You. So, If I Were You is my part in the podcast where the previous guest has left the situation for the current guest, which is yourself today.

Marisa Mansfield (1:20:28)

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

To All The Girls (1:20:39)

Right?

And you will respond to that situation giving them like, advice or I don't know words of inspiration, encouragement. starting the sentence with if I were you. And then, towards the end, I mean after at the end, you will give your situation for our next guest.

Marisa Mansfield (1:20:54)

Okay.

Ooh, that's a challenge. Okay, go ahead.

To All The Girls (1:21:05)

Okay, cool. So... ⁓ My guest actually left two situations, so I'm trying to... Or maybe you can pick which one you would like to do. both, if you want. Yeah? Okay, so... One of the situations is, kind of relates to what we talking about, you do, like, you try to be a good person and be kind to others, but you still feel like...

Marisa Mansfield (1:21:06)

Hit me.

To All The Girls (1:21:33)

⁓ You can't find your people, people don't like you, so how would you go about that? ⁓ Or, the other one is, you're working really hard towards something ⁓ like a passion or a goal, but you feel like you're not seeing any progress or you're not really moving forward.

Marisa Mansfield (1:21:53)

Okay, so either either both. Okay, let me just have a quick glug of water and get the lid off here.

To All The Girls (1:21:57)

Yeah.

Marisa Mansfield (1:22:05)

Okay, let me start with the second one. If you're working towards a goal or a passion or something and you don't feel you're getting anywhere, take a step back and ask yourself, what is it I'm missing?

Identify the things that you're struggling with. Is it time? Is it money? Is it because whatever you're doing is hard? Whatever it is, take a step back and think about it, analyze it, and then make a plan. If this isn't working, what can I do instead?

And I would say use the definition of madness. Definition of madness is to keep doing the same thing, hoping to get different results. Something's not working, try a different way.

That's what I'd say for the second one. Remind me of the first one.

To All The Girls (1:23:18)

first one is, you do everything to be a good person, make sure that you're kind to others and stuff, but people still don't like you or you feel like you've not found your set of people.

Marisa Mansfield (1:23:33)

⁓ Determining that people don't like you, I would say is about self. What is it that you think people are not liking? Because that sounds like it comes from a place of low self-esteem. That somebody doesn't value themselves, so they imagine that other people don't value them.

And I would say that's a route directly into counseling. That's the kind of stuff that talking through with somebody who's independent and trained to listen would be the right route. Now, we all can be shy. We can all have, don't feel comfortable or whatever. But if you're struggling to make friends,

then find an activity you're interested in. Whether it's sports, whether it's dancing, whether it's a club, whether it's volunteering, volunteering is a great way to find a tribe. If you've moved to a new area and you're struggling to form a new local friendship group, then get involved with something.

But also, look at why you seem to be so down on yourself. Because the chances are people aren't disliking you at all. It sounds like something you've projected onto yourself. And you need to find out why you feel like that.

So they're my two answers.

To All The Girls (1:25:19)

Wow, the counselor side really like... showed up It's natural. I love that. No. But that guest got some... What? Like two minutes of free therapy. Thank you. So what's your situation for our next guest?

Marisa Mansfield (1:25:22)

I can't help it. It always comes out.

Yeah, it's hardwired now.

Through, I'll be sending a bill.

Okay, what would be my scenario? I'll do it as a scenario rather than a situation. ⁓

suppose it's a good one for everybody to think about or your next guests to think about is the what's next question. So if I use myself as an example, I've achieved a lot, failed a lot, done a lot and big milestone birthday and naturally I want to ask myself what's next.

So I'm going to leave that as the posed question or the posed scenario. Big birthday. Have achieved and failed a lot in life so far. But big birthday is raising the question, what's next?

They'll hate me for that next week.

To All The Girls (1:26:45)

What's the question though?

Marisa Mansfield (1:26:46)

how does, all right, I'll frame it in a different way just to help you out. Cause I'm kind like that. How would some, how would a person navigate that?

To All The Girls (1:27:01)

yeah, so we've been speaking about obviously like people, I want to say people pleasing, performing and stuff for other people and for the girls who really struggle to stay true to themselves and let's say they've realized now, wait a sec, I've been living my whole life like just performing, I need to change that.

Marisa Mansfield (1:27:14)

Mm-hmm.

To All The Girls (1:27:29)

Obviously it's something that's habitual, it can happen naturally. Where do you recommend that they even start? Like, I need to make a change, what's the first things I should do?

Marisa Mansfield (1:27:43)

something small, whether it's...

⁓ If you are part of a tribe or a clique or whatever where everybody's looks are a certain way, let's use the ⁓ eyelashes. ⁓ Start by changing one small thing about either your presentation

or yourself. So if it's something presentation wise, maybe one day a week, wear what's comfortable for you rather than what you think you're expected to wear.

And other than that, maybe the other thing to try is setting a boundary. So maybe start by saying no to one thing.

And it could be something quite small like, ⁓ we always ⁓ meet up for lunch on a Saturday. Try saying, actually, I've got other plans. And even if those other plans are taking yourself off a manicure or a pedicure or taking a walk with a mate or watching TV in bed.

rather than getting up and fancying yourself up and showing out and all of that, just try something small. Because if you try something small, you've got a place to start building from. And then little by little by little, as your confidence grows, as your courage grows, you can start pushing back on other aspects and also start

building those boundaries.

what I'd say start with something small there's a brilliant expression that says don't throw the baby up with the bath water so that means literally don't go right that's it I've had enough of this I'm gonna change everything because taking away your norm like ripping off a band-aid is quite hard so

to be kind to yourself and to show yourself grace and to help you see that it's not dangerous or scary to be yourself little by little.

To All The Girls (1:30:32)

Yeah, yeah, cuz taking them like little steps helps you to actually like build the confidence and it trains your mind hold on ⁓ Like if I do this I'm not in danger. I'm not gonna I Survived it. I can do it and you can do it again. Well but

Marisa Mansfield (1:30:50)

So,

To All The Girls (1:30:53)

I feel like the thing to remember, because I feel like sometimes when we hear this advice, you do it and you think it's going to be easy, even though it is small, sometimes it is still hard, you know, and it's about doing it, but it's Yeah, 100%.

Marisa Mansfield (1:31:05)

it's hard. That's why I said I'm doing it in your own time frame.

That's why ripping off the band-aid isn't the solution for every problem. Sometimes you just have to take small steps and that's okay. You've got to do things in your own time to test out what's right for you.

That's it. I mean, it's it is that simple and that hard. The hard part is finding the courage. The simple part is just taking tiny weeny steps.

Rip off those eyelashes, that's what I say.

To All The Girls (1:31:52)

Unless you actually like them.

Marisa Mansfield (1:31:54)

Well, I find it very hard to believe that any woman would enjoy having draft excluders stuck to her eyes.

But then again in the 80s women used to do their brush and like go faster stripes. There be a stripe down there called go fastest in those days.

To All The Girls (1:32:14)

What

is it?

Marisa Mansfield (1:32:15)

It was like a line of blusher that was visible, but it was a straight line. It wasn't blended. So they look like go faster stripes on the side of a car.

To All The Girls (1:32:26)

It's like things, there's so many trends and things that will come and go like I don't know if you know the shoes crocs like when I was

Marisa Mansfield (1:32:32)

I don't even discuss them. They don't exist. They don't

exist.

That's not a fashion statement. That's if you're planning to go join a panto and be a smurf.

To All The Girls (1:32:43)

when

They were so... you would get like absolutely annihilated if you wore them back in the day. was like what the hell are you wearing? And now they've become normal.

Marisa Mansfield (1:33:02)

Well, they're not normal, they're obscene and every pair should be collected and burnt.

To All The Girls (1:33:06)

Nah, they grew on me.

No, they grew on me though, because of the charms. I love the charms. They're little things that...

Marisa Mansfield (1:33:13)

Fungus can grow on you, but it doesn't mean you

have to allow it. They are the personification of ugly and evil. And crocs should be wiped off of the face of the earth.

To All The Girls (1:33:28)

I get what you mean though, but when they're decorated they're very cute. Like I want a cute little...

Marisa Mansfield (1:33:32)

Cool.

very happy that you love them. Please don't let me see you in public with them.

To All The Girls (1:33:38)

Okay great, now I know you hate crocs.

Marisa Mansfield (1:33:44)

beyond hate. There are levels of hate that you cannot imagine I could go. ⁓ I think they are abominations. They're just hideous.

You know, and I stand by that. I'm sorry Crocs, you can cancel me if you like, don't

To All The Girls (1:34:03)

hilarious I should even laugh my gosh

Marisa Mansfield (1:34:06)

No, feel free

to laugh. Feel free to laugh. ⁓ That's how much I passionately hate them. Genuinely, I'm not playing for the camera. I genuinely mean it. That's how much I hate them. They're abominations. They're abominations.

I'm traumatized now at the thought. I'm going to need therapy now, just because you brought up my trigger word.

To All The Girls (1:34:25)

No.

I'm so sorry! I didn't even know! I didn't know! I just thought like... I just remember about crocs and I know that's something that... Anyway. Anyway. So we're coming towards the end now. It's been a very nice conversation. I've loved it, actually. But before we go...

Marisa Mansfield (1:34:56)

My privilege.

To All The Girls (1:34:59)

I would like to ask if you could leave one message to all the girls out there today, what would that message be?

Marisa Mansfield (1:34:59)

and

And that's what really is my privilege, as well as hanging out with you, which is always a joy, because you're an absolute delight. My message to all the girls out there is don't be afraid of being yourself because you're perfect. You are the only perfect version of yourself. It may take time.

You don't have to wake up tomorrow and go, don't care anymore, I'm going to do everything the way I want. Give it that time, but...

The worst thing to be afraid of is fear. Because the worst thing that can happen in life is you get something wrong. You fail. You have to start over. Nobody's going to die. You're not going to kill loved ones. So to all the girls out there, don't be afraid of fear. Just try to be yourself.

To All The Girls (1:36:19)

Thank you! I love that. How was that for you? Yeah.

Marisa Mansfield (1:36:21)

My pleasure, my darling.

Fun! Always fun.

Give me a camera and tell me to talk. Hello!

To All The Girls (1:36:32)

I'm sorry.

Marisa Mansfield (1:36:35)

about crocs. No, Fatima, you're a delight. I've told you that since

day one. I am super proud of you because I can see the evolution in you already and to have been just a tiny part of that is a privilege. I don't underestimate that privilege. So thank you.

That's alright. I'll put your agony on. When everyone in agony aren't on here, I'll drop in.

To All The Girls (1:37:05)

Thank you guys, see you next week, bye.

Marisa Mansfield (1:37:11)

Alright