How I Learned to Stop Judging People & Understand Them Better

Hey Beautiful 💓In this episode of To All The Girls Out There (TATGOT) , I talk about something that genuinely shifted how I see people and myself — the core conditions from Carl Rogers.

It’s less of a “lesson” and more me sharing what I’ve been learning and how it’s been showing up in my life.I used to get really confused about how to hold my own beliefs while still being around people who think completely differently from me. I didn’t really know how to not judge people without feeling like I was losing myself in the process.

Learning about empathy, congruence, and unconditional positive regard helped me make sense of that in a really simple way.

In this episode I talk through:

• What empathy actually feels like in real life
• Learning to be honest with yourself without overthinking it
• Accepting people without needing to agree with them
• Practical examples of how this may show up in friendships, work, and everyday conversations
• And steps you can take to become more open minded 

Things you may want to look at:

• Further reading on Carl Rogers' Core Conditions
• Level 2 Counselling Searcher (CPCAB)  ( this has a centre finder where you can find the closest centres that do it for you or you can do it online ;))

Website👩🏽‍💻: toallthegirlsoutthere.com

Instagram📷: @toallthe_girlss

Transcript

To All The Girls (00:03)
Hey beautiful, welcome back to another episode of To All the Girls Out There. As always, it is a blessing to have you girlies here with me. Today I wanted to talk about a concept that genuinely changed my life, the way I saw myself and the way that I saw other people. And this concept is called the core conditions. So this is for anyone who wants to become more open minded.

or understand people better and just be able to exist in environments with different cultures, values and beliefs and also feeling comfortable in yourself whilst doing that. So the core conditions were developed by Carl Rogers originally for therapy. So it is used ⁓ for therapists. And the idea is that when therapists create the right environment for their client, then

The client are more likely to grow. But again, this doesn't mean that it's just for therapists. And I'm gonna explain how it has affected me in my life. But ultimately, there are three conditions. ⁓ yeah, three cool conditions. The first one being empathy, the second one being congruence, and the third one being unconditional, positive regard. And we're gonna get into it.

It is very helpful in self-development journey and understanding yourself a lot more. I remember before coming across this, I just used to struggle with like am I being fake if I'm around people who think differently from me? So for example, like someone would think something and I would disagree and then it's like, ⁓ well, should I be saying something or am I being fake for staying around them when I don't really agree with what they're saying?

but then am I being fake to myself or suppressing how I'm feeling? ⁓ it was just really weird. It was like, am I judging them yeah, it was just like Am I being open minded or am I ignoring my own values? There was a lot that just I would just spiral basically, like but then it's like I don't wanna be judgmental, but also this is what I believe. It was really hard to navigate.

And I think growing up in London, you're around different cultures. So being around different cultures and different ways of life, it wasn't something new. Like it was it was fine and it was something that I was able to deal with. Great. Alhamdulillah. But also I think sometimes we forget like there's still so many different cultures, so many different ways of life and I was around things that I was used to. And when you grow up and you end up working in I don't know, uni, whatever, and you meet all these new people.

There's so many different thought, ways of life, values, cultural norms. And so it just becomes so much more different. And yeah, those are the things that kinda came in my head. And I still realise, okay, maybe I do have some unconscious judgments about certain things. So learning the concepts that I've learnt, they've made me understand that

You can understand someone and you don't have to be them, you don't have to think like them. You can respect someone else's values and thoughts and whatever necessarily agreeing with what they're saying. And this just made me feel a lot more authentic and free. So our first core condition being empathy. So empathy is about putting yourself in someone else's shoes and trying to understand their experience from their perspective.

And a common misconception or misunderstanding with empathy is meaning is people thinking that you have to have experienced the same thing to be able to empathize with them. So for example, a mother who is, I don't know, dealing with like parenting difficulties and someone who isn't a mother thinking, Well, I can't possibly empathize with you because I've never been a mother. That's not what it's about. Empathy is a skill. ⁓ some people

are naturally born with that skill while some people it might be a lot more difficult for them. ⁓ I don't think it's fair to judge anyone who isn't. There's different reasons that people are that way. However, I just want you to know that it is a skill to be developed. ⁓ and it's about imagining you know, why might this person be feeling this way? What has led them to view this world this way? What thoughts and emotions and feelings may arise from being in that situation.

You know, and again, it's not only about asking how would you feel if you was in that situation. Yes, that is one way of looking at it too, but it's also thinking how would they feel in that situation? Can you understand why it is that they did what they did? It doesn't necessarily mean that you would do the same thing, but understanding that's the key word here, understanding why they did what they did doesn't mean it's right.

Doesn't mean it's wrong, doesn't mean it's the best thing, doesn't mean you agree with it, and it doesn't mean that that's what you would do. It's just understanding how it came about and why they would do what they did. So yeah, another thing is empathy versus sympathy. And I think a lot of people the two can be used interchangeably, but sympathy is essentially feeling bad or feeling sorry for someone. It's not the same as

putting yourself in the shoes of someone else. ⁓ it's usually looking at it from your own perspective and just feeling sorry for them. So you know something might have happened and you're just like, ⁓ I just I feel bad, I feel sorry. You're not actively using the skill to understand someone. You're just essentially just pitying them from afar. You know, you're not thinking about the thoughts and feelings and emotions that that

they might be feeling. ⁓ yeah, you just feel sorry for them. And yeah, so if you are someone who struggles to empathize with people or struggle with that skill of empathy, an easy way to practice might be when you're watching films. Try to understand the characters, you know, their thought patterns, their way of thinking, their way of behaviors, and understand why they did the things that they do. ⁓

like I said, they might not necessarily do something you wouldn't have done it the same way in. But you can try to understand why it is that they did that. Especially when it's like a main character and you've seen the character development throughout the film, you understand the way that they think. You might think it's silly, you might be you might think that it's pathetic the way that they think. Fine. But try to understand why it is that they do what they do from their frame of reference, not from yours.

Again, key word here is understanding. Okay. Okay, and the second one.

I was gonna say it's one of my favorites, but I maybe it's my favourite now. I think they're all my favorites. I switch interchangeably, but ⁓ congruence. So congruence means being genuine, authentic, and true to yourself. Basically showing up as your honest and authentic true self. And I know it can be difficult. It's just hard sometimes to speak up about certain things, but

That doesn't necessarily mean that you're being incongruent as well. And we're gonna elaborate on it. One thing to understand is that congruence doesn't mean oversharing everything or starting arguments, especially this, because some people think that might be what it is and isn't, or forcing your opinions on of others. It just means that your internal you on the inside, it matches yourself on the outside. You aren't pretending to be someone else.

That you aren't just to be accepted. However, like I said, it doesn't mean that you are saying everything that you think or being harsh. ⁓ it definitely doesn't mean you need to share every single opinion you have. I don't believe all opinions need to be heard. ⁓

But it is acknowledging yourself and accepting that you might have a different view, not being harsh on yourself for thinking differently. I know when I used to think differently from other people and I wouldn't share I would think bad of myself for having a different view. And I might not necessarily I might change or I might

Dim it down, but I would just feel bad or shame for being different in that moment. And to be congruent is being complacent with your difference. You know? Being understanding that hey, I do think differently, but you don't need to place shame on the other person. And you don't need to share every opinion. You might find yourself in situations where someone thinks differently. You don't share your opinion or you might not need to

Start an argument but you aren't ashamed of how it is that you feel and how it is that you think as well. And an important point is people think that if you accept other people you have to agree with them. Like I said before, you don't have to agree with them. You can have your own values and still respect someone else. And this is where the next core condition comes in.

Okay. See, again, I was gonna say this is my favourite one. I really couldn't tell I really couldn't tell you, but this is vital. They're all so interconnected and so so interlinked. I think having empathy and congruence ultimately leads to this this condition, which is called unconditional positive regard, sometimes referred to as UPR for short. So I

Unconditional positive regard means accepting and respecting someone without judging their worth as a person. so in therapy, this might look like the therapist creating an environment where the client feels accepted rather than judged, regardless of what it is that they say. So again, they might say something that you don't agree with, but their worth isn't in that. It's they are you accept them.

regardless of what it is that they say to you, what it is that they reveal to you, they're not any less than because they think differently or because they behave differently. ⁓ this also interlinks with a theory called conditions of worth. So ⁓ so yeah, it happens a lot in childhood where someone's value is conditional.

So for example, your parents might only exp express love for you when you achieve a certain thing or when you do a certain thing. If you don't do something, then you aren't showing that love, you aren't showing that care. And that can then cause us to perform, it can cause us to act differently. So showing unconditional positive regard is basically showing hey, you are safe to show up as you and that doesn't make you any less than as a person. Of course

We are human, things are gonna be different and there are gonna be times where someone does some absolute nonsense and you might see them as less than I'm not gonna lie. Let's be honest. But we're just talking about people who aren't necessarily bad, but they just might be different to you. And being different doesn't mean being bad. However, in everyday life

again, it's a bit different to how a therapist will navigate it. So it doesn't mean that you have to agree. Even in therapy, it doesn't mean you have to agree, but it's not gonna look the same. But it just ultimately means that hey, I can respect you as a person, even if your values and choices are different from mine. It doesn't mean that you need to see them any different, you know, unless this person is disrespecting you, of course that's a whole nother story.

Because at the end of the day, we're human and we naturally have judgments, we naturally have opinions. As I don't think it's something that we could ever fully get rid of. You're gonna be like, my gosh, like what the hell you but at the same time there is room for respect and there's room for growth and understanding others. Ultimately the goal isn't to never judge. The goal is to notice those thoughts and choose curiosity instead. So you can think

that's not my lifestyle. That's not something I believe. And still think, but I respect that this is your experience. I ex respect that this is your life. And respecting again doesn't need to mean that you guys need to be the bestest of friends. You can coexist with someone who might have different values. However, that might not work for you, which is fine, but you can still show that respect and say, you know what? I respect that you think like that.

But also this is not gonna work for me and my immediate circle. Yeah. So yeah, those are the three cool conditions. Do you recommend if you get the chance to do further research on your own on the cool conditions because they absolutely have changed my life, you can look at the background and do more research on Carl Rogers as well. Because yeah, psychology is just amazing and the things that you learn from it and the way that it can help you in your life is absolutely amazing.

And I probably will bringing up I probably will be bringing up a lot more about Carl Rogers anyway in the future. But if you can do your own research. Okay, so I'm gonna give you guys an example or two examples to see how the cool conditions can play out in real life so we can understand. Okay, so we're gonna take Jasmine and Lisa. So we have Jasmine and Lisa who are friends.

Jasmine opens up to Lisa about something she's struggling with. Jasmine says, I'm actually thinking about changing my career because I don't feel fulfilled anymore. But I feel guilty because my family expects me to stay in this path. Lisa has a very different perspective. So Lisa thinks, Why would you leave something stable? Your family probably knows what's best. So Lisa responds to Jasmine saying, Honestly, I think you're overthinking it.

You should just be grateful you have a stable job. Okay, so what's happened here? I don't think Lisa has necessarily responded in the wrong way or in a bad way, let's say. However, Lisa could have explored

Jasmine's emotions a lot more. The thing to reiterate here is we're not expecting Lisa to respond like a therapist because she's her friend. And at the end of the day, when you have friends you think from an emotional standpoint, you care about them. Also, you're gonna give advice therapists is slightly different. And also you know them

as well and you kind of know their you spend time with them, you know their mannerisms, so the advice you give again is gonna be based on what you know. However, here what Lisa has done is is I think there's a lack of empathy. so Lisa believes why would you leave something stable? Your family probably knows what's best. That's her thought trail. That's Lisa's

And she's then said, honestly, I think you're overthinking it. You should just be grateful you have a stable job. She's not tried to explore Jasmine's emotions, feelings, or or try to understand the situation a little bit more. She's straight away ran to how she f how she feels and imposes how she felt. So you could argue that she's being congruent. Yeah, she is being congruent, but she hasn't really acknowledged her friend's opinion and she's imposed her

opinion on or her way of thinking on her friend again like naturally you're gonna share things and what you think with your friends and I understand that so I don't think what she's done is wrong but I think she definitely could have explored more and in terms of unconditional positive regard it is very easy again rel depending on the relationship but easy for Jasmine to think ⁓ I'm being a bit judged here or am I doing something

wrong or you know you should just be grateful like ⁓ her back's against the wall type thing but then again if that's her trusted friend and she's come to her she's trusting her to give her the best advice but like I said ⁓ Jasmine sorry not jasmine Lisa has responded from her own frame of reference not understanding Jasmine's situation fully and hasn't really tried to understand either

And I think it's okay to respond with that if you've got ⁓ a full scope of what's happening. If you just got up and just like, ⁓ you know, hey, this is this is how I would deal with it and that's how you should deal with it, you it becomes difficult. And I think you don't really show up as the best to your friend either. Again, like a this is not me saying you can't share advice, but I think

It is a lot better when you are trying to understand things from your friend's point of view. And this is where it differs from therapy because you can still give that advice to your friend, but try to understand them before you run to the advice. and I feel like in my life that has helped so much with my friendships, trying to understand them really and truly, rather than thinking that my way is right and trying to impose my advice on them, it really does just have

it develops such a healing and understanding friendship where you're you feel safe around your friends. You don't have to be the same but you understand that this person is gonna at least understand you and show you that unconditional positive regard regardless. And I think that makes the situation so beautiful. So this is a let's say a more better version or an improved version of

how Lisa could respond. So

Lisa, me personally, if it was me, I would ask maybe a question. So I might say something like if it was my close friend, I'd be like, ⁓ like that must that sounds so difficult. It's a shame because you used to love it so much. How come it doesn't make you fulfilled anymore? Or something like, Or hm like Yeah, it might be a bit difficult with your family. What do you think?

will happen or what are you thinking of doing instead. Just really trying to explore it and understand them. a version more therapeutic might sound like, ⁓ that sounds like a really difficult position to be in. I can understand why you'd feel stuck because it sounds like you care about your family, but also feel like something inside you is telling you that there's more. ⁓ just

kind of like paraphrasing it back to her and helping her understand that. But again, you want to be congruent. So you could add something like me personally, I value stability, so I might see it differently. But I also understand that it is your life and you need to think about what feels right for you. And I think that is a beautiful way, a beautiful thing to always add because the decision always needs to ultimately come back to them. And we all grow up in different positions.

different lifestyles, different values, different households, despite even being in the same culture. There's different things that shape us. So being able to really be congruent but understand them and understand that their situation might be slightly different is just such a beautiful thing. And and it creates such ⁓ much more healing friendships. and just a healing experience of life in general. But I'm gonna show you guys a different example as well. This is

in life but it might be slightly different to friendships. Okay, so this situation is we have Shakira and Sara who work together. During a conversation, Sara tells Shakira, I've decided I don't want to celebrate a certain holiday anymore because it doesn't align with my personal beliefs now. Shakira has a complete different background and doesn't really understand this choice. So

Shakira says to Sara, really, I don't understand why you do that. It's just tradition. I think people overcomplicate things sometimes. So Shakira is being congruent in this, I would argue, because she's being honest. And she isn't pretending that she agrees. And again, like I said, it is important because you know she's not hiding her thoughts to appear accepting or whatever. However

Shakira didn't try to explore, she didn't understand, and definitely didn't show unconditional positive regard because it was almost like she was shaming her. She didn't necessarily say that, but she's like, Really, I don't understand why you do that. Like it's just tradition. I think people overcomplicate things sometimes. She's really just like making her feel like belittling her for doing what she's saying, like just like, I don't really get why you do that.

Again, it is an opinion and she has the right to share her opinion and understand that it's different. But she's done that without trying to understand her and accepting and respecting, which is the big thing here, respecting her. Especially the I don't understand why you do that again shows that she's not tried to understand. And number two, ⁓

Isn't respecting her decision before jumping to that because, like I said, you can explore prior to stating your opinion, and it's a lot more healthy, I feel like to explore before stating your opinion, saying, I don't understand why you do that. She could have worded it differently. So something she could have said that would have demonstrated the core conditions a lot more would be something like

I'm interested in understanding that because I've never thought about it that way before. What made you feel like that was the right choice for you? Again, it doesn't need to be that super duper articulate, but something along the lines of instead of I don't understand, try to understand. Try to understand their point of their point of view. Again, this is also if we want to have conversation. If you don't want to have conversation, then you can just be like, hmm. And just keep my closed and know that you think differently. But again

This is when you're just coming from the angle of curiosity and really trying to understand and accept different people. So in this version, what was better is that Shakira tried to understand Sara's perspective. She didn't need to have the same beliefs, but she just tried to understand what is it that made Sara think this way and what meaning does it have for her. And

If Shakira wants, like I said, you can still embody congruence. You can literally say, I actually see it differently because of my own personal experiences. But I appreciate you explaining your perspective. It's just being respectful, and it doesn't have to be like a whole back and forth. Some people, the thing is, is not everyone is as emotionally aware. So saying that you feel different might be a personal attack on them. But

This is where the congruence part comes in. You know that that's not the case, you know, and if you need to shut that conversation down quick, then do so because we don't have time for unnecessary arguments. But yeah, from separating the person from the belief, Shakira is saying in this point, you're she's not saying your choice is wrong. It becomes this is a person with a different reason behind their choice.

rather than this person is thinking wrongly. And this is why I just believe that the core conditions are so powerful. Because when we meet someone who is different and they might have a different culture, belief system, set of values, lifestyle, sometimes we just make the assumption that if I understand them then that means I must agree with them. And it is it really isn't. It really isn't that ⁓ like I said

Being open minded doesn't mean that you have no values. It just means that you are secure enough in your own values to allow other people to have theirs literally. I don't know, and I I don't know why. It was just like it was just mind boggling to me. I was like, wow, I can coexist. I am not being fake by understanding someone else and I I'm not wrong for having a different set of belief systems, like wow.

but yeah, so a few things you can do to start embodying the core conditions is number one, learn more about yourself. ⁓ a big part of this ultimately is just coming down to understanding yourself and that it can be so hard. But the more I understood myself, the easier it became to understand other people and

I believe it will be the same for others. It's so hard sometimes to really admit to yourself certain things, you know, when you wanna ask yourself certain questions, am I a judgmental person? In what areas do I judge people? us as humans we just wanna be good. We wanna be accepted. It's really hard to accept the fact that crap, like I might actually be doing this wrong, but that gives you room for growth.

No one is perfect and you don't need to be perfect to be loved. But it growth is a beautiful thing and looking at parts of yourself that you're like, hmm, I don't know if this necessarily aligns with me anymore. This is something that, you know, I might want to change about myself. ⁓ finding those blind spots and not being harsh on yourself for having them but choosing to actively make the choice to be able to change it.

I think that's that's the beauty of growth, that's the beauty of life, right? so yeah, take time to journal, spend time with yourself, ask questions like mm what situations make me feel triggered, or what situations do I find myself judging others a lot? Where do I feel comfortable with other people's beliefs? In which situations do I feel uncomfortable when people share their beliefs? And do I ever feel ashamed of my own? Do I ever feel weird sharing my own beliefs or

my ol own cultural views. Again, these are things that are hard to admit to yourself. Sometimes you're gonna be no, I don't feel shame, no, I don't feel shame, but sometimes we do feel it and sometimes we do feel these things. but like I said, they're so important to understand and you know if you feel shame about yourself then it's easy to shame others. If you understand yourself it's easy to understand others and that's why it's so important to do that digging. If you can

Do a level two counselling course, I would a hundred percent suggest it. Like I did it myself and I think it was life changing. Again, it is for people who do want to start counselling, but I feel like I took more from it about myself than I did about counselling. Everyone's experience is a lot different. I just like to look at the things that I can take from every experience that I have.

And the things that I can learn and I spoke about we spoke about it roughly on my last episode with Marisa about counselling and doing a level two course. You just uncover so much about yourself that you didn't realise ⁓ it forces you to really understand yourself and it's such a powerful thing. It can be very pricey, so I understand. But if it's something that you can do, me, I highly recommend it. I think I learnt so much from it. ⁓

But yeah. And another thing that I would say is try to practice the cool conditions in real life conversations, in real scenarios that you find yourself with people in, especially work, because I know work, uni, when you enter different realms, it's like you just come across so many different people. And entering that stage of life is just like whoa.

Even though you think you might have grown up in a multicultural space, even though you might think you have grown up in a place where you understand different cultures and different people's values and ways of thinking, there's still so many more out there. There's still so many different people out there and sometimes you go out and you think people are so dumb. Sometimes you think, What the hell? Sometimes you're like, Ugh and some people you're like, Yeah, like you're great.

But you learn so many different things, but if you I feel like for me without the cool conditions, it's so easy to just be so angry at the world and be so angry at everyone. And when you choose to look at things from a place of curiosity, it becomes so much more different than from a place of judgment and hatred and just really trying to understand it. So flipping from judgment to c curiosity is a life changing thing. But yeah.

When you find yourself in situations, try to practice empathy and understanding someone else pers someone else's perspective. Try to ask questions, be curious, understand where it is that they come from, but then notice how you feel in the moment about your different opinions. Do you feel shame? Do you feel a type of way about it? What kind of emotions come up in that scenario? And do you think it's safe enough to be able to share?

Do you want to try and share that you have a different opinion? try and explore with it, you know. ⁓ that's actually interesting that you think of it this way. I more thought of it as this way, but tell me why you think about that. It's just so much more like it's more helpful, you get less triggered. For me, that's how it works. Like I feel a lot less triggered by different opinions. And remember.

At the end of the day, you can understand someone without believing that they're right. So in the scenario, you don't need to think that they're right, but you can be curious. It doesn't take much, guys. But yeah. The biggest lesson for me is that becoming open minded, being an open minded person, being an accepted person does not mean losing yourself. It doesn't mean changing yourself or belittling yourself. It means understanding yourself so deeply

That you can meet people with it curiosity instead of fear. And the more that you unlock parts of yourself, even the uncomfortable parts, the parts that are hard to sit with, the parts that you might feel shamed about, or just like, ugh, you know what? Like it's hard to admit, but I'm gonna admit it. Those things, those are gonna make you grow more, and those are gonna help you and help to shape your experiences of life and your experiences in and amongst other people. Because ultimately

We share this world, we share this earth, none of us actually live alone and in order to navigate it, we're gonna have to be able to accept and live with the difference and the difference in values and ways of life that other people have, you know. But yeah, to me guys, the cool conditions aren't just therapy skills. They're life skills and they change the way that we communicate.

They change the way we connect and experience the world like

Changed my life, guys. Real ⁓ it might seem so insignificant, but it really has. And I hope that this has helped you guys in any way, shape, or form. but yeah, let me know if anything resonated with you, what it is that you took from this, the cool conditions, and any research that you do. Please, again, Carl Rogers is the psychologist, he's a humanistic psychologist, and the cool conditions.

coal roaders, cool conditions, do your research, find out more about it and let me know what resonates with you. Anyway, thank you guys for listening. It's been a blessing and thank you for hearing me ramble. I will see you guys next time inshallah. Bye.