Has Your Self-Development Journey Become Self-Destructive?

In this episode of To All The Girls Out There, we’re talking about the hidden side of personal growth, when productivity, discipline, and “becoming your best self” turn into pressure, comparison, and feeling like you’re never enough.

We explore toxic productivity, hustle culture, perfectionism, and the idea that your worth is not measured by how much you achieve. Self-development can be beautiful, but there’s a difference between growing from a place of self-love and trying to “fix” yourself because you don’t feel worthy.

This episode dives into:
✨ Why self-improvement can become unhealthy
✨ The difference between discipline and self-punishment
✨ How hustle culture affects our relationships, health, and happiness
✨ Redefining success beyond achievements
✨ Learning to balance ambition with rest, connection, and faith
✨ Trusting the process and letting go of the need to control everything

📚 Mentioned in this episode

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
We referenced Maslow’s model of human motivation during the episode. You can read more about it here:
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (overview)

Website👩🏽‍💻: toallthegirlsoutthere.com

Instagram📷: @toallthe_girlss

Transcript

To All The Girls (00:00)

Hey beautiful, welcome back to another episode of To All the Girls Out There. I am one of many Fatimas and as always, it is an absolute blessing to have you girlies here with me. Today we're talking about self-improvement. We're talking about how self-improvement can become self-destructive. because I know a lot of the girls and a lot of the people who listen to this.

podcasts are very interested in self development, self improvement, becoming your better self, which is all great, which is all amazing. But at the same time there can be a dark side to that that can it can become quite the opposite and it has been something for me. It's been something that I've noticed recently. I've been journaling a lot and like just the simple journaling in the morning and in the evening and reflecting on the day and I realised that

When it's the morning and I think what am I looking forward to? For one, I didn't really have much to look forward to. And when I did try to find something, it was always about being productive. I can't wait to get this done. I can't wait to get that done. And even worse, like when it was the evening and it was like, What am I proud of today? It was always about getting something done. Again, it's not necessarily a bad thing, but it was just a

reoccurring theme and it was like, is there nothing else? Was I not proud of being kind today? I had a conversation with someone that felt fulfilling and I didn't think to write that down. Instead it's what have I got done? how much closer have I got to my goals? Things that I'm looking forward to was always about those kind of things and it was just like there's other things to life

as well and there's other parts that one can be proud of and one can be looking forward to and the fact that I have assigned or made my happiness or the things that I'm proud of only relate to my accomplishments or getting closer to my goals just made me start questioning like

Hmm.

And I was thinking how many other people have done this and is that stopping us from actually experiencing the beauty of life? And like I said, I don't think productivity is bad, it's amazing, it helps us so much, it helps us get a lot throughout the day, and doing stuff and being productive does help us to feel good. I think that's natural. I love growth, I love becoming better, but

I'm just thinking like when did we actually start measuring our worth by how much we can do and how much

we can produce or get out of a day, is that the only measurement of success? Is that the only thing we should be proud of?

And here's the thing. I love self development and I know most likely anyone listen to this, you love that, you love improvement, you love understanding yourself more, bettering yourself, finding things about yourself that can be improved, that could be better, noticing things that hmm,

This may not have been the best or the best reaction, but maybe I can do something better about it. Maybe I can become more grounded in this area or less reactive in this area or, you know, finding those things to just better about yourself and that process of becoming a better person is such an amazing feeling. And it's a such a beautiful thing to do, to be self aware and to work on yourself ultimately as a project and treat yourself as a project again is such a beautiful

thing. I don't think it's a bad thing. Having self aware people and developing and wanting to get better is a beauty of life and is something that I'm so grateful to have experienced and I'm so grateful that Allah has made me someone who enjoys that and has chosen to embark on that journey.

It's just like I just think that somewhere we have distorted

the message

Because then you start associating your worth with how much you can get done. And somehow if you've not achieved, it means you're unworthy. And I know that these are some things that like I've had to battle where it's like

You haven't got A, B, and C and so you feel like you're incompetent or there's certain things that you can't do or you feel less about yourself and if someone else has achieved more somehow that makes them a better person. But I think there's so many factors that play into what makes an amazing person. There's so many factors that play into success and

It's so easy to forget that when you live in a world that's oriented by what you've achieved and what you have done, like that's the only thing that a person can be.

when that's far from the truth, who are you on the inside, how do you make people feel? These are all things that we tend to forget about because the only thing that matters is how much money does she make? What car does she drive? What does she do? What does she achieve? Is she a trailblazer for this? These things are amazing. Achievements are amazing. Goals are amazing, but why do we have to forget about all the other things?

And then on top of that, a lot of the time we forget ourselves and the things that we truly want. we have glamorized waking up at five AM. If you want to wake up at five AM, that's great. If that's what you want. But trying to force yourself into something that you think is amazing or that you think that you should be doing and then scrapping everything else that matters, your

relationships with your family, with your friends, with the people around you, with your health, with other things. I do understand that certain parts of life do require sacrifices. I get that. But at the same time your whole lifestyle is built on trying to chase, trying to attain a goal and

I just feel like in doing that sometimes we miss some of the beauties of life, some of the experiences because we're failing to live in the moment and we are failing to look at ourselves and achieve things based on ourselves rather than a comparison of what we feel like we should be doing.

And sometimes when you get into that realm, especially 'cause sometimes self help and the content around self development, it can be a little bit harsh, which I understand because some people need that, some people need that kind of like push to tell them like what the hell are you doing, get up. But at the same time it can become so self destructive when you start looking at yourself from an angle of things that you don't like and you dislike about yourself.

and you're trying to change it from a position of hate and I think that's when it becomes self destructive.

For example, let's say like you want to become more healthy, an unhealthy version would be like, I hate my body, so I need to punish myself into something more better. Like, or becoming something more better, or having a better body. A healthy example would be I want to exercise because I want to take care of my body. Again, you might not like necessarily or be content with the shape, but you're like, I deserve to to see what I feel like when I have the best version of my body.

I want to experience. I love myself that much that I'm gonna work towards having a body that I feel comfortable in and I feel healthy in. That's a more healthier approach than to be like, well, I hate my body and I I need to do this and I need to change it. It makes everything become more

more self destructive and you're not operating from a place of love and I feel like even when it does come, you set a lot of conditions on yourself and where your worth comes from. And it's only when you achieve those goals and only when you reach that point that you feel like you're worthy. And that shows up. It shows up in how other people treat you and how you move throughout the world. And that's why

It's so important to just be extremely careful with the kind of goals that you're setting. and understanding that fine line between okay, I want to improve myself, but it doesn't mean that I'm gonna hate on myself and where I am right now. I might not be content with it. I understand that, but I'm gonna change because I know I can do better and I want to see

what it will be like and what I can be like when I reach that point when I do better. Not my gosh, I hate myself, I hate my life, everything needs to change. Because the world fluctuates. Everything fluctuates. Things change and it's so important to give yourself that grace and understanding.

that not everything is gonna be perfect, but you deserve to actually get up and try.

And yeah, I just I feel like a big part of it, it just all comes down to hustle culture, and how much emphasis we have placed on just the go, go, go, achieve, grind. If you're sitting down and you're resting, then that's not good enough. You have to make sacrifice, you have to endure hardship. And these are all things that are true. You are gonna have moments of sacrifice, you are gonna have

moments of adversity. I do understand that, but why are we glamorizing it as and sometimes bringing it onto ourselves and when you have that idea of to feel like you are doing something, to feel like you are gonna get somewhere, you have to suffer, you create suffering for yourself. And you believe that that's what's gonna make you a better person. That's

what's gonna give you worth or gonna give you value. Listen, adversity is gonna come naturally. It's gonna come whether you like it or not. So why create it for yourself? Why create it for yourself? Try to make your life as easy as you can because when the hardships come, the hardships will come and there's not much you can do about that. You'll deal with it when it comes. So this trying to glamorize everything being hard, everything being difficult and

having to do X, Y, and Z just to be in a certain position. It's just like

You just have to remember at the end of the day, you need to understand you and you need to understand where it is that you want to be. Like I said, the issue isn't having these goals. For example, the issue isn't wanting to wake up at five AM. The issue is when you think that because you wake up at five AM, that automatically makes you this amazing person. That is where your worth lies. Yes, it makes you someone who keeps your promises to yourself.

But if 5am is what the world is telling you to be and it's not what you want to be, does it really make you a better person? Does it really make you a self-actualizing person? Are you where you actually want to be? Don't think that your worth fully lies in

what it is that you achieve. Those things do play a part, don't get it twisted. Having that dedication and wanting to make promises to yourself and wanting to achieve and make yourself proud and make those around you proud. It's an amazing thing to do and it's a beautiful thing to have that drive and to have that force and to have that willpower. If you have that, don't let it go. I'm not telling anyone to let go of that drive. That drive is such a beautiful thing and it is such a beautiful gift to have.

But like I said, I must reiterate, if your worth lies solely in that, solely in that, that's when it becomes destructive. You forget about all the other things that make a beautiful person. Think about some of the people in your life. Are you with them solely because of the things that they achieved?

If that's the case, then I would consider

reevaluating yourself. But a lot of the time, the people in your life is not just about what they achieved. It's things how they make you feel, how they are, the people around you, how they help you, the things that they teach you, things that they can do that they've done in their life, things that you admire. all these different things that make up a person. And yet the only thing you can think about is

your goals, I need to get this, I need to get that. And if you don't have that, then you are not enough. And I say that and I'm speaking to myself too. Sometimes you tend to forget how amazing of a person you are despite the fact that you might not have achieved everything that you want to achieve and everything will come in its due in its time. And I think another part that becomes so self destructive is

There's so many things that we sacrifice in order to get our goals. Again, I need to reiterate, there are going to be moments of sacrifice and periods of sacrifice. I understand that. But when it becomes a lifestyle, when it becomes the day to day, think about it. As humans, something that we actually need in order to survive is food. We need food. But we have become

So endorsed and focused on our goals, our career, wanting to reach this point that food is actually an afterthought for us. Like, okay, well, I'll just get takeaway because it's easier, or those things that you can order, I forgot what it's called, but you know where you can order the ingredients to make something quick. We don't actually make time to

cook or whether that's like cooking or meal prepping to actually have time to fuel yourself or even those drinks that are supposed to like those protein drinks that are supposed to substitute a whole meal like this is crazy like we need food to survive but for some reason our career is way more important than food.

Two hours of cooking is not worth it. That could be two hours of, I don't know, recording an episode, editing an episode, doing something else. Which I understand. But it's also like

Food like if you don't eat you will not survive. So

Where did we end up prioritising getting things done rather than looking after our health? It's just like wow,

one basic necessity that we need for survival, we've tried to make it easier in a way that's unhealthy in order to achieve our goals. And I'm just wondering when that happened. When did we make that shift? You know? And again, spending time with family, spending time with loved ones, it's it's such a thing to be like, I don't I don't speak to my friends, I don't

go out with my friends. I don't have time for that. I need to be hustle, hustle, hustle, grind, grind, grind. And it's like

Yes, like I said, there are moments of sacrifice that need to be made and there are gonna be moments where you can't be speaking to your friends all the time. And you need to be able to be self sufficient. I understand that. But also as humans, especially as women, we crave relationships, speaking to people, love, sharing that love with people.

And

We put that to the side. Like

If you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, if you don't know Maslow's hierarchy of needs, he is also a th a humanistic

Psychologist. He came up with it's essentially a triangle, and showing the prioritization of like humans and our necessities. starting from the bottom, which is physiol physiological needs, to the top, which is self-actualization. And the

Second one after physiolog physiological needs, after breathing, food, water, shelter, clothing, sleep, that kind of thing is safety and security, health, employment, property, family, and social ability. And one above from that is love and belonging, friendship, family, intimacy, a sense of connection. Those things are things that as as humans

We need, we crave, we crave that belonging and that love and somehow it's like no, I don't wanna talk to my friends and and like you know, I just wanna get things done and that's glamorized and then it's like Craig, okay, great, you've achieved A, B, and C, but then look at your life. Like, are you actually happy? Are you

Are you happy with the relationships around you? Are you happy with the kind of person you are? The person you are to the people around you? Your legacy that you leave behind is it's purely just what you achieved?

And it's just like again, where did it when did it get to that point? Hobbies, not making time for yourself, these are all things that we've glamorized in order for what? And again, I'm not saying that achieving your goals or anything is bad, but I do urge e everyone to have a look at your goals and the things that you want to achieve and is it really what you want or is it because that's what you think?

you want or what you think you need because of what society has told us about hustling and achieving and getting somewhere. Again, like I said, the goals isn't the problem.

It's the meaning you assign to those goals.

If you not hanging out with your friends, not eating, not getting enough enough sleep makes you feel proud, then that's something for you to look at and evaluate and think, is this the kind of life that I want to live? I understand if it's one of those moments and periods of sacrifice, but at the same time

You've placed your worth solely in what you think you can achieve and or what you want to achieve and th those achievements might not even necessarily be what you want. And if achieving your dream requires you to become someone you don't even recognise, is that really success? There's no alignment there. All it is is straight up.

achievement I got this car, I've done this, I've done this, I've done that, but who are you? What does your life look like? Are you content? Are you at peace? Great, you've attained all of this. But is that really what you wanted? Is this done for image? Is this actually done to achieve self actualization? To be the best version of yo yourself or is it done to perform? Is it done to look like you've done something?

at the end of the day, getting to where you want and wanting to achieve your goals and wanting to do those things and become the best version of yourself is amazing. It is such a beautiful thing. But when it becomes self destructive and you want to miss out on your sleep and constantly miss your meals, not spend time with your people.

And that makes you feel good, and that makes you feel like, yes, I've achieved something. That's when it becomes a problem. Because you are glamorizing hardship. And like I said, hardship will come. Believe me, whether you like it or not, hardship will come. So why make it hard for yourself? Stop making it harder for yourself. We do this a lot. And

we don't realise how self destructive self development can become if you're not careful. There is a fine line. So guys, I have a little situation, scenario, example to put things into perspective to help you understand what it actually looks like in real life and what a healthier version would look like. So we have Maya

Maya is a university student who has recently become really interested in self-development. She wakes up at 5 a.m., goes to the gym every day, journals, listens to podcasts, reads self-help books, and is constantly trying to improve. At first, she feels amazing. She's like, yes, this is this is it. I'm on my grind. You know, she's motivated, feels like she's finally taking control of her life. As she should. But after a few months,

She has a lot of free time and she starts to feel guilty. So when her friend invites her out, she thinks, I should probably stay home. Going out isn't helping me achieve my goals. She'll skip her meals because she's busy. She stops doing her hobbies she enjoys because her hobbies are not quote unquote productive. One day she writes in her journal, things I'm proud of. I studied for eight hours, I went to the gym, I completed my to-do list.

And then she noticed she can't remember the last time she wrote, I laughed a lot today. I spent time with the people I loved. I actually enjoyed my day.

So Maya's thinking is just I just need to work harder. Once I achieve my goals then I'll relax. What's the problem with that? The goalpost will keep moving. She reaches one goal and immediately creates another one.

and immediately create another reason of why she isn't enough. Every time she reaches a goal and you a st and she assigns her worth to that goal, once she's achieved it, great. Now that she's got another goal, another thing to achieve, she is not enough. There's no time to relax, there's no time to make time for the things you love, for your family, for the people around you.

So her self development has changed from I want to grow to I need to fix myself. I need to do A, B, and C. I need X, Y, and Z. It's not about growth. It's not about experiencing. It's not about learning new things about yourself and choosing to improve. Understanding that you are enough right now where you are. But there are things that you can change. And things that can always be better. That's not to say that.

you are not enough now. A healthier approach for Maya would be that it's not that she's never gonna be disciplined again, she's never gonna, you know, have those sacrific sacrificial periods, but

it's gonna be because she actually enjoys improving herself. She likes setting goals, she likes to learn, she likes seeing herself grow. So the difference would be is that she starts asking herself, am I doing this because this is the life that I genuinely want or because I feel like I need to prove that I'm worthy. I need to feel like I'm doing something better for myself. Because it's one thing to feel like you're doing

more for yourself you're doing better when you feel like you're doing what the world thinks you should do but at the same time is that actually being is that actually being productive is that actually being effective if you're not actually doing what it is that you want and what you think is going to be best for you because you're relying on what others say that you should be doing or what success looks like.

For other people. And she knows that different seasons of her life are gonna require different things. She knows that there might be exam periods where she needs to lock in or moments when she's building something. She understands that there's gonna be times when there's gonna be trade offs and she has a goal that requires her to sacrifice something else. That's fine. Those are seasons of life.

But she's also aware that that season of life doesn't mean that she has to romanticise suffering. It doesn't mean that her suffering equates to her feeling like she's getting closer to her goals. Her feeling like she is a successful person because of her suffering. Not seeing her friends every day isn't something that she's proud of. Skipping meals isn't proof to her that she's a dedicated person.

Exhaustion isn't evidence that you are working harder than everybody else.

Maya will start thinking I want a successful life but I also want a life that I actually enjoy living. So that means she's working towards her goals and she still has discipline and she still cooks and makes time to look after her health and her body and spends time with people she loves and takes time for rest when she needs to because she knows that that's gonna help her operate at her optimal level because those things aren't distractions from her life.

Whilst acknowledging that there are going to be sacrificial moments, times where she's going to have to make that trade off.

And I understand that.

and here's an important thing for us to all remember. At the end of the day, when it comes to our goals and the things that we want to achieve, a large factor that we forget is that

I can put in all the effort that I want, but

whether we like it or not, without God we can't move forward. W he is a large chunk of our success and of us achieving our goals and it is him who has to say be and it is. So if I sit here and I put

all this effort and all this control and I try to do it myself, not understanding that

the thing that's going to determine this whole outcome is is God the most high the creator of the earth then you're not really gonna get far. And it's something that I've had to learn and there's so many times where I've tried to pursue and do things alone and I'm forgetting like hey I've done everything but have I actually prayed? Have I actually released to

put it in the hands of the ultimate control. There's a level of control that you have. Yes, I understand. You work hard, you do the things that you need to do. But after that

There's only so much that you can do.

Effort matters, yes, but so does surrender. You need to understand that the things that are gonna come to you will come to you. You do what you need to do. But again, that hardship is gonna be placed in your path when it comes. So why glamorize it? Do what it is that you need to do to work hard to get to your goals, to get to your ambitions, but also remember that

Everything that is meant for you is gonna come to you the way it's supposed to, in a way that's beautifully create curated for your individual story, the things that you have experienced, the things that you have gone through, all those things taken into account, your upbringing, it has been individually crafted for you. And so you refusing to acknowledge that and trying to force, trying to make things work.

You will struggle if you don't surrender, if you don't understand that yes, I do what I can, but there is an ultimate driving force behind it all that has a lot more control than I do. And if I don't surrender to that control and if I don't choose to trust in that control, then essentially I have no control.

And that's something that I definitely had to learn and something that we all have to remember and understand that when you do your best, that's all you could do. Trying to drive yourself into the ground and you know, absolutely torment yourself in order to achieve is not worth it. It's the hard way and to me surrender is the easy way.

I think a lot of us need to sit down, especially for people who have just come into the self development space.

and redefine what success looks like to us. I know when I first started embarking on that journey of wanting to change, wanting to do better for myself, I think a lot of it was performative and I didn't think about the lifestyle and I just thought about achievements and wanting to do this and wanting to do that. And eventually I had to take a step back and I thought, but what kind of lifestyle do I want to have?

What kind of legacy do I want to leave behind? What kind of person do I actually want to be? And I thought, Okay. Well, this direction I'm moving in, does it align with that kind of life? Does it align with that kind of person? I don't want to wake up at five AM unless it's for Fajr I really don't want to wake up at five AM unless it's for Fajr I'm gonna be so honest. Like I would much rather wake up at seven. I think that's early enough to have a good day.

to have a productive day and to do the things that I need to do.

I would love to spend time with the people that I love. You know? Ask yourself those questions. Do you want to be driving yourself to the ground, working so hard, missing out on sleep, tired all the time? Is that what you actually want? what kind of lifestyle do you actually want to live? And working towards that? And like I said, also redefining success. Why?

Do we only measure success by what we achieve? Because success could also be being a kind person. It could also be having meaningful relationships. It could be being someone that people feel safe around. It can be having peace or being proud of your character and who it is that you are as a person. There's so many different things that could classic success.

I could be a millionaire, have I dunno, five houses, everything, cars, all that and then be a crap person. Have no legacy, no impact. Will I feel successful then? Will you feel successful then?

Ask yourself what are the things you want to achieve and how do you want to feel and what kind of person do you want to be? Are you showing up as that? Because sometimes even think about the person that you want to be and you're only working towards your what's the word? You're only working to your tangible goals and then think about the person you are and it's like, well

Are there ways I could be embodying this person right now rather than only focusing on the tangible goals? I wanna be really giving and you really wanna I don't know, be a philanthropist or whatever it is. Do you try to help people now with what you have now? You may not have a lot, but do you try that now? Do you try to give people your time now? What

kind of person are you when people come around you, those are also factors in lifestyle and the person that you want to be. Again, this is not me saying that your goals do not matter. Your goals do matter, but your goals are one part of life. Those tangible goals are one part of life. They're not the entire definition of it.

And yeah, I just urge everyone to really reflect and try to understand what it is that you actually want and redefining those ideologies of you must suffer to be able to get to where it is that you want to. Again, things will come in your path when they come, but self inflicted suffering

Please sit there and question yourself. It can be hard to admit to yourself, but we do it a lot more than we think. And self-development is such a beautiful thing. It's such a beautiful thing. But please don't let it become self-destructive. Please don't let it ruin you taint you or make you live a miserable life. And I just want you guys to remember, self-development is not the problem. Losing yourself in that process is

And yeah, with that being said, thank you guys for listening to me ramble and speak and share with you guys. I appreciate all your support and I will see you next week. Bye. Love you.