You Can Have High Standards and Still Be Fooled

In this episode of To All The Girls Out There, we're talking about the pressure to always "know your worth," have high standards, and never get fooled, and why that mindset might be doing more harm than good.

Social media often tells us that if we're discerning enough, we'll never choose the wrong people or get hurt. But is that actually true? Or have we confused discernment with trying to control things that we can't?

This episode dives into:

✨ Why social media has changed the way we think about self-worth and standards
✨ The difference between discernment and control
✨ Why getting deceived isn't always a reflection of your wisdom
✨ How fear of looking "stupid" influences our decisions
✨ Why self-trust is more important than trying to predict every outcome
✨ How to respond with wisdom instead of fear when life doesn't go to plan

If you've ever blamed yourself for trusting the wrong person for judged another person for doing so, this episode is for you.

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Transcript

To All The Girls (00:00)

Hey beautiful, welcome back to another episode of To All the Girls Out There. I am one of many Fatimas and you already know it is an absolute blessing to have you girls here with me today. So today I'm going to be talking all about self-worth content standards and I just want to clear some stuff up.

which I have been starting to see that is becoming harmful to a lot of young girls out there. recently online there's been this uproar of women being a high value woman, having your standards, knowing your worth, which I'm all for I love it. I love that women are being encouraged to be their best selves. I love that women

have that space now to sit there and have your standards, have your boundaries. I think those are beautiful things and those are things that we need to navigate and things that we a hundred percent need to keep pushing and and encouraging women to have their boundaries, to have their standards, their expectations and values of what they expect in life. I love it. I agree with it and I understand it.

I do think it has gotten to a point where the message has become misconstrued.

And people have almost slightly misunderstood the message. And it almost feels like if someone deceives you, you are in the wrong. You are in the pro you are the problem and you should have known when that's not necessarily always the case. Life happens, things happen and just because someone has deceived you or played you or fooled you, just because you have got something wrong or

something has gone wrong in your life, it doesn't mean that you are at fault. It doesn't mean that you have done something wrong. Whereas this content has kind of led to people thinking that. So let's get into it a little bit more. Why are we so afraid of being fooled? I've I genuinely think that there's so much that comes into that comes into it. So for example like the content that we see online nowadays

like I said everyone is talking about you know be this boss girl be this high value woman be this amazing girl and then you know everyone's coming online like I'm this like this boss us woman no one can mess with me no one can play with me my standards are high yada yada yada and so because everyone's trying to live up to that image as soon as something that doesn't necessarily match that image so you being betrayed you being deceived you being lied to

you not knowing or having the answers, you feel like you have failed. You think that you are the problem. And that might not necessarily be true. Yes, sometimes we do get it wrong. Yes, sometimes these are things that we could have avoided. I do understand that, but that doesn't always mean that you are in the wrong. It doesn't always mean that it was your fault. And online having

push this kind of culture and this narrative of having your self worth and having your values again has led people to thinking that you have to have all the answers right all the time because that persona has been glamorized of being a woman who can't be fooled and can't be played, you know? And at the end of the day

As humans as well, we have a fear of looking dumb. No one really wants to look stupid, no one wants to be embarrassed, who actually sits there and thinks, Hey, you know, I want to embarrass myself, you know? So when you do get it wrong, there are things that you are gonna be fearful of and I understand that. I just think that the social media has amplified that a lot more now. And again, people can come on and comment and give their two cents and you should have known

And then they'll pick up all the other clues when it's like but like you have to sit there and have been anxious or really digging into any clue that you have to sit there and have known everything. And I'm talking about this in all aspects of life. I know it can be very predominant in relationships but with everything, with work, with friends, sometimes yes, there could have been things that you have known before that maybe you could have picked up

But that's something that you can learn from, which is something we're gonna talk about a bit later. But at the same time, not everything could have been known. And I think internet culture has made people think that getting hurt equals weakness. Getting hurt does not equal weakness. If anything, it gives you space to grow. You fall down, you get back up and you come stronger next time. Being deceived hurts.

It hurts. It doesn't feel nice. So people shouldn't feel shame around it. But I also urge people to have more empathy for other people because we claim to always think we have the answers for somebody else's life until it's actually your own. You don't know, like at the end of the day, we're not approaching life from a bird's eye view. We can't see the full picture, like

we're just taking it, battling everything head on as we see it, you know. So it's just like people need to have more empathy and have more understanding. But that fear of looking dumb and what not, it is a real emotion and I understand it wholeheartedly, but it's so important to not give in to social media and fear of what people are gonna think because everyone has their own life.

and you will miss out on a lot because you are so focused on making sure that you don't appear a certain way to other people who aren't going to live your life, who aren't going to pay your bills, who aren't gonna sit in the friendship, the relationship, the job.

they're not going to do that for you. So it's so important that you build a scope and a self-concept and image that's so strong of yourself and a self-trust that is strong that you know that I believe that I have made the best decision and if I made the wrong decision then I'm trust myself to be able to bounce back from this.

Think social media so here's the thing like I don't even want to sit here and always blame social media, but there's so many good things about social media, but sometimes messages can get so misconstrued, and I just want to make sure that people aren't letting it swing to the other side of the pendulum where something so helpful is becoming something so destructive. And I think in this situation here, social media

like it sells certainty so it's like if you know your worth you will never pick the wrong people you will never make the wrong decision you know people will always stay loyal to you and whatnot even with like titles how to never get played again how to always I don't know whatever the titles that they use things like that

will then lead you to believe that hey, no one's ever gonna play me. Hey, I'm a boss woman. I manipulate people even it's actually got to that point where it's the other way round, like people anyway, cool. But yeah,

Yeah, so they basically treated it as if though, like if you get hurt, it means that you lacked wisdom. If you got hurt as like I said again, she should have known, she's a this, she's a that.

to be a quote unquote high value woman, to be someone who has self-worth, has high standards, boundaries, it means that you can never get it wrong. It means that you can never be played. It means that you can never be fooled and you can never be lied to. That is all a lie.

The people who have high standards, the people who have those boundaries and those women that you look up to, they get it wrong. The difference is is the self-trust that they have. They have trust in themselves to know that, hey, look, I can sit here and I trust my judgments.

and from there I leave it. I'm gonna let this person show me who they are. With the information that they're given, they then act accordingly. It is nothing about having all the answers. It is not about trying to control someone else.

Wisdom does not make you immune to pain and having standards doesn't mean you'll never experience betrayal, disappointment, or deception. You cannot control another human being's actions. It is out of your scope, it is out of your field. You can't do that. You can only control how you react. So having this idea in your head that

you know, you need to be this woman who can never be deceived. You're trying to uphold the image for other people to so you could get perceived in a certain way for other people who have also probably gone through the same thing, who have prob probably also stopped themselves from experiencing beautiful things in life because you are so focused on trying to have control over how other people treat you. It's something that

We need to stop is something that we need to work on and try to understand where it comes from. Because, like I said, I think it's a beautiful thing, and when we see these kind of women, we we look up to that and we're like, Yes, this is sick, this is something that I want to embody. That is not a problem, that is fine. It's just when you think that it means that you never get it wrong. No one never gets it wrong.

It's trusting that when you get it wrong, learning what you can learn from that. What you then do with that information and trusting yourself, not looking at the outside, not looking at social media. You can go to other people for advice, that's fine. But at the end of the day, your final decision should come back to you because of the trust you have in yourself.

Remember, you cannot stop someone else from betraying you, disappointing you or deceiving you.

However, you can take precautions. You can take precautionary action. So

You can have your systems in place to know. For example, people give advice about this all the time. Understanding the things that work for you. So you allow someone to show you who they are. You can ask them questions. Observe how do they behave when they're around you, when they're around other people, when they're around family, how do they treat waiters, other people around them?

after you've kind of like taken your observations, after you've looked at and lo allowed them to show you who they are, all you can do is tie your camel and trust God. But after that you cannot control their choices.

If you know that you've done what you can to observe and allow them to show you, you know, like I said, asking the questions, seeing how they are around you, seeing how they behave around other people, understanding their values, their way of life, how they operate. Once you've done those things, once you've made those observations and you're like, Hmm, is this someone that I want to be around? And you've done that, then what can you do from there?

What can you do? People can still lie, people can still pretend and they can still change at the end of the day. So once you know you've done your best, you have to trust, you have to let go and leave it in the hands of God.

Another thing is it's so important to understand the difference between discernment and control. The Cambridge Dictionary definition of discernment is the ability to judge people and things well. And the Cambridge Dictionary definition of control is to order, limit or rule something or someone's actions or behaviour.

So in this case, discernment is being able to observe behavior, asking your questions, taking your time, paying attention to someone else's actions and leaving when those actions don't align. You are judging, using what you have to judge and come up with

A decision that works for you. Yeah? Control is when you're trying to predict everything. You're assuming hidden motive, testing people, pushing people away, manipulation, you know, or believing that you're never gonna get hurt if you're careful enough. Here's the thing we go for it a lot of the time and sometimes we don't realise, especially like I said, when you wanna uphold that

that standard for yourself and that image. I used to be like this. I remember when I was in school, I used to think that that was what I needed to be. I needed to be strong and show that, you know, I can't be deceived and I don't get it wrong. And, you know, I have all the answers. And it was although at the time, yeah, I felt like I was this boss cool girl

I missed out on so many lessons. I missed out on experiencing so many different things because I was so focused on trying to get it right that I wasn't learning. I didn't allow myself to learn because I thought I had it all. I thought I knew everybody's intentions. I thought

I could just predict everything. I didn't allow people to actually show me. I didn't allow myself to get it wrong. And then did I even allow myself to grow a self-trust to know that, hey, if I do get it wrong, next time I know how to bounce back. No, because I never even allowed myself to get it wrong in the first place. And what that meant was is I didn't even allow myself to

enjoy, to feel, to experience, learn people because there was always this barrier of from the moment someone does something you're you're wrong. You're bad.

That's it. And that was a way of me trying to have control over everything. That was a way of me trying to uphold my image. Again, which was about other people and what other people thought of me rather than

you know, me allowing myself to experience and learn. So there I wasn't having c I wasn't ha having discernment. I wasn't actually, you know, trying to understand someone, trying to observe someone. Yes, like I did observe, but I was more trying to have control. I tried to predict every single outcome rather than trying to understand will this person work for me or not? Do I wanna be friends with this girl or not? You know?

Are me and this other person gonna work well together? I just try to predict everything. This person is a bad person, this person does this, she does that, no, done and dusted. And I didn't understand myself properly that way either. And that's why it's so important to understand that discernment helps you make wise decisions. Control tries to guarantee a perfect outcome.

which you can't. So if anything, it's better to allow yourself to get it wrong because trust me, you can think you have all the answers, but life will happen. And sometimes you're gonna get it wrong. And when you don't allow that to happen, when it first happens, you feel crap and you will blame yourself.

Like it is your fault all the time and that's where the self trust comes in, that importance to be able to understand that hey I got it wrong this time, but we're gonna be able to bounce back. When you're so used to having control, when that happens for the first time, you're like crap, I'm so stupid. How could I not have known? The negative self talk comes in, it's all your fault, and That might not actually be the case.

Please remember that you cannot control another person's behaviors. You cannot stop somebody from doing from carrying out their intentions.

But you can act accordingly.

At the end of the day you can. You can do everything and still be fooled That's the and that's the part that hurts the most. You can sit here, like I said, you can have your discernment, do all of that, make your judgments and people can change. People can be so good at lying. People can be deceitful. Or they might just change over time and it not be for you. But who are you to know? You don't have

You're not psychic, you're not God, you don't know everything. You're just using your human knowledge to make a judgment and move forward from there. Same with control and that's what makes it worse, 'cause when you actually think you've had control, when you think you've followed all the steps that you've seen on social media, when you think you've acted like this boss girl that, hey, no one can fool, and then someone comes here, hey ho and does something and then you know

all of a sudden your whole world comes falling down. It hurts, but you gotta understand that you have no control over somebody else's behaviours. You only have control over yourself. I said this so many times but it's so true. It's it is like social media will sit here and tell you, you should have known but that's her fault. But does she not see the signs from this, this, this and that? Listen.

Is it not possible that someone simply just chose to deceive you? Is that not possible? It is. It is possible that someone woke up and made the choice to deceive you as a result of themselves, not of you or your actions. Someone else's decision isn't always your fault.

And it's so important to understand that.

The main thing is it's not about never being fooled, it's about how you respond when you are. You can't control who lies to you. You can't control who changes or who chooses to betray your trust. But you can become someone who knows how to respond with wisdom instead of fear. and I think that that's a much better goal than trying to become someone who never gets fooled.

So some people might sit here and ask, okay, so you know, if

'Cause for example, like I've sat here and I said, it's not about not being fooled, it's about, you know, how you respond when those things happen. And one might ask, how do you respond? And I don't believe that there's a one size fits all, everyone is different and everyone responds differently and it's so important to listen to yourself, to know yourself, understand yourself and to build

A strong self-trust to know how to act when certain things come your way. Trust that.

Trust yourself, trust your decision and trust God. And making sure that those decisions come from you and not from the outside. Like I said, social media, everything will try to make a decision for you. You should

leave or no, you should give them a warning or you should da da da da da da da da da Everyone's gonna tell you different things. Your family, your friends, your loved ones can give you advice. That's not a problem. Make sure your final decision comes down to you. I am gonna make an episode about this soon, about, you know, self trust, self concept and that kind of thing. but it is so important to understand

your non negotiables, the things that you can tolerate, something that I can tolerate, you might not be able to tolerate, but something that you can accept, I might look like I might look at that and think, hell no, I would never be able to accept that

But at the same time, that shouldn't then make you sit here and be like, Hey, if Fatima is saying that she would never accept that, maybe I shouldn't do it because it can that can trigger you. Sometimes it does. It's happened to me before where, you know, someone else will say, I would never accept that and you wanting to be that boss kind of girls thinking, crap, like now I look dumb.

But hey, it's your life. This is something if it's something that you know you're able to deal with and God has given you the strength to deal with and you want to take on that battle then do it because it is yours and it is your decision. If you get it wrong, then hey ho, but it is yours. It is a decision that you know you made. If you sit here and try to make it because of what other people say, you will

be a slave to the outside world. You would live a life that is unfulfilling because you keep making decisions based on everyone else. You need to understand the things that you that you can accept and that you can deal with. And I think one of the best ways to do that is to allow yourself to get it wrong. Like I said, we're so concerned with image and making sure that we uphold this persona and

don't get called all these names, bird, whatever it is that people have on online and I like I understand it fully, I'm not getting onto anyone who, you know, is scared of it because I get it, it's like no one wants to be perceived in that way, of course. But at the same time, if you don't get it wrong, how are you gonna learn? If you allow yourself to see, hey, you know what, one time I put up with this and I I couldn't take it like

it hurt me so much. Or one time this happened and you know what? I feel like I can recover from it. It's not that deep. When you learn, when you allow yourself to make those mistakes, that is an eye opener for what it is that you know that you can tolerate and what you know you can deal with. Again, if something is necessary where you feel like you need to cut someone off or you need to leave them and that is your thing, then go ahead and do it. But do it because it's you, don't do it because

You think that that's what makes you a high value woman, do it because you genuinely can't deal with that. You don't want that in your life. Learn without shaming yourself. Like I said, when you get it wrong, this is a lesson. You shouldn't punish yourself for it. You trust yourself, this is great, okay, you know what? This hurt or

I didn't want it to end up this way but Alhamdulillah now I know for next time this will not happen again.

It can be a mistake the first time but the next time it we will not let it happen again because you've learnt from this time. You know that after all of this you will be okay because you trust yourself. You trust that you have made the right decision and like I said, when you get it wrong you trust yourself to bounce back, to get up and to dust yourself off and let yourself run on upwards traject trajectory and learn from the situation.

And you guys already know, as always, I've got a scenario for you because I feel like I've been rambling So let me help you guys put this into perspective.

Cool. So we have Layla. Layla starts a new job. A few of her colleagues keep warning her about one particular co-worker. They say things like, she's fake, don't trust her, she's done this before. So Layla starts paying really close attention. Every conversation they have is lovely. She's really sweet. She's kind. She's helpful. always asking Layla how she's doing. And then after a few weeks, Layla thinks.

Hmm, everyone was wrong about her. So when that co-worker later asks to borrow money, Leila doesn't hesitate. Then a couple days later she just gets ghosted.

So straight away Layla immediately blamed herself. I should have known. I can't believe I fell for it. I thought I was good at reading people what's happening here. So Layla clearly did observe and she just assumed that because someone was kind to her, that meant that they were trustworthy. But being nice isn't the same as having integrity.

And even if she taken more time, there's still no guarantee that she would have known what that person would have chosen to do. And you know, sitting here and you're like, Cause I'm even reading it and I'm like, Why would she give her money? Like But at the same time she was being nice to her. And one thing that I always say to people is always observe how someone behaves around other people, not just you because you just don't know ca and that means that

how they treat others, they could switch up and treat you like that at any time. But also I'm also someone who doesn't like to listen to what other people have to say. Allow someone to show you who they are. Don't sit there and use preconceived judgments and ideas to then assign that to a person. Let them show you who they are. And I think that's what Layla's done here and she's done that really well. And I know that I can find myself in Layla sometimes because sometimes you just want to see the good in people.

So I don't think she's wrong, I don't think she's silly for it.

But yeah, I think she did observe, she did look for it, but she saw a good person and she chose to believe. And now she's blaming herself for it, which I don't think she should have. She can now decide what to do from it moving forward, but how was she supposed to know what what her intention was like? There's no way of actually knowing. That's the thing. She could this woman could have generally or person could have generally been stuck.

and like proper struggled, you know, and she just wanted to be good and help. So I understand where she's coming from. I also would understand if she didn't give the money, but I also understand why she did. I just don't think she needs to blame herself because I don't think there was that there was any way of knowing, even though people do say, she's fake, she's this, she's that

like the woman showed her a different side.

And she wasn't seeing any of the things that people were saying, like not anything. So she was observing, waiting for that to show up, but she didn't see it. So now this is her seeing it. Now she's learnt. So I think a more healthier response would be Layla reflecting. If she missed any warning signs, she learns from them. So if she does think, you know, that it's something that I should have seen

Then maybe I can learn from it or this is what she did, maybe I should have known here or I could look out for that sign next time and yeah, maybe next time she will take more time before lending money and you know

choose to really like understand or I don't know, maybe she'll set stronger boundaries, yeah, when it comes to lending money and who she's lending money with. I think that would be a healthy thing to do. And pay attention to patterns over a longer period of time. So she won't just leave it over a week. These are precautionary actions that she can take now that she's learnt from this experience rather than just blaming herself for it. But she definitely wouldn't convince herself that someone else's dishonesty

Is proof that she's stupid. And she would accept that someone else's lack of integrity isn't proof that she lacked wisdom. So, like I said, she's just gonna learn from it. She's gonna move on and she trusts herself to then make good decisions from now on, using the information that she's learnt from this situation.

she learns and she doesn't carry that unnecessary shame.

So yeah, that would be a healthier version for Layla. I have another scenario for you too. Cause this one might be a little bit relatable for some people. so we have Maya, lovely Maya. She meets a guy and she's constantly thinking, hmm, does he text enough? Should I reply in three hours? I saw TikTok saying if he doesn't do X by date three, then he's manipulating me. So she starts testing him.

she she ignores how she actually feels because she's trying to avoid being fooled. Great. Seen this happen a couple of times. So Maya thinks that she's having standards. But what she's actually trying to do is control the outcome. She's relying on social media or friends, whatever, more than her own discernment. Instead of getting to know him and actually

allowing him to show her who he is, his standards, his values, and then asking herself the kind of questions of, you know, is this something I want? Is this something that can work for me? She's trying to predict whether he'll hurt her. She's trying to control that whole outcome rather than trying to use her judgment to work out, is this gonna work for me? She's trying to predict, is he gonna hurt me?

You can't control that. You can't predict that. But you can use your judgment to avoid the outcome.

but it doesn't mean that she can stop that outcome. So I think a much healthier response is basically what I said. She's takes her time, she asks the questions. How do I feel? How does he behave around other people? Do I see myself working with this guy? What are some potential issues that I feel like might arise based on what he showed me? do I think that's something that I can personally put up with?

Or is it something that, you know, I might struggle with? She's watching for that consistency. Is there consistency in his actions and in how he's acting? Does his words match his actions? You know, she's just enjoying it. She's trying to get to know him, trying to understand him and sees if she feels like he's gonna work in her world, you know? If something feels off, then she leaves or acts accordingly. She checks him when she feels like she needs to be.

Or like I said, leaves when she feels like she needs to. But at the end of the day, her decision is her decision. She's not relied on social media, her friends, her mum, her uncle, her brother to dictate that decision. Yes, she has taken their advice if she needs to, gone to them to hear. But you know, when you hear a piece of advice, sometimes you hear it and you're like, Yeah, you know what? You're right. That's the advice you take. But sometimes you hear advice and you're like,

But no, like that's the ones that you have to hold. You take it all into account, but the final decision should be yours. And there's a difference between a knowing and a wanting. Let me say that again. There is a difference between a knowing and a wanting. Sometimes you want something, but you know it's not good for you. So you hear an advice, you can hear advice and think, Ugh, I don't want to hear that, but you know.

You know that that's the good advice. You know that that's something that is gonna work from you, but it's not what you want, it's not what you want to hear. And you can have advice given to you that you want, but you know it's not good for you. And you know, that's the thing, you know. But when you want something, sometimes it's just hard. But yeah, overall, Maya accepts that she can never guarantee another person's behavior. It is

out of her control and she's accepted that but she also has trusted herself that her discernment is strong enough and she has made her judgment based on what she has seen.

But yeah, overall I don't really have like much.

proper tips and takeaways but there are some reflections that I want to leave you guys with to just ponder on and think about because this might be something that has been in your head of trying to uphold that image of high value, self-worth, self-respect boundaries which we all love. So some reflection points, things that you can journal or think about or record, whatever it is.

Am I practicing discernment or am I trying to control people? Simple.

Am I making decisions because they align with my values and God's guidance or because I'm afraid of getting hurt or looking dumb? Which is a very powerful one because sometimes we don't realise that a lot of our decisions aren't even our own. They're not our own decisions. We're looking at other people to make those choices for us. Getting advice isn't a problem, but advice shouldn't be your decision.

you can use your advice to calculate and weigh up and come up with your decision but the advice itself should not be your decision. Anyway, if someone disappoints me, do I actually blame myself? Is this a common pattern? Think about the times that someone has people have disappointed you and you have been let down. It might actually have been your fault. I'm not even gonna sit here and lie, it might actually have been. But that's for you to reflect.

Do you think that there was something better that you could have done? Or do you think nah there was no way of me possibly knowing? Sit down, get honest with yourself. There might be some situations where it was your fault and some situations where it wasn't. And reflect on it and see how you can learn from that. And the last one is is do I trust myself to be okay even when life doesn't go the way I imagined w what I even when life doesn't go the way I imagined?

Self trust is so important and I can't wait to make a video on that. And it's something that I'm still trying to grow myself. Definitely not perfect, definitely haven't got there, but having that belief in yourself is just is gonna get you so far in life because there's no one else that can knock you off your feet.

Like there was there is no one that can knock you to the ground and keep you there because no matter what you always pick yourself back up. Always. So girlies, the thing I want you guys to take away from this is instead of trying to become someone who can never be manipulated, become someone who listens to themselves, trusts themselves, leaves when they feel is necessary.

learns instead of blaming themselves and knowing that they'll be okay at the end of the day. We spend so much time trying to become someone who can never be deceived, but that's not a promise anyone can make. People have free will. They can choose honesty or they could choose deception. Your job isn't to control their choices. Your job is to become someone who can trust themselves, trust God and know that whatever happens they'll be okay.

You're not saying, hey, nothing bad will ever happen to me. But what you're saying is even if something does happen to me, I know what to do. 'cause the strongest person in the room isn't the one who's impossible to fool. It's the one who knows that they're gonna be okay even if they are.

Anyway guys, I was hitting some philosophical chair, I can't even talk some philosophical points there. but yeah, I hope again like I feel like a lot of the things I say can be very what's the word? Triggering, but like I said, I'm here to hold up that mirror to you guys. Honestly, it's so important to, you know, see those blind spots that we don't see and

Yeah, I'm all for us having our standards, us having our boundaries, our us learning to say no and you know, be unapologetic and take up space. I'm all for that. I love it. But guys, please don't let it be self destructive. Please don't beat yourself up for not having all the answers, for getting it wrong. It's not how it works. We we're not God. We don't have it all. We don't know it all. We have no idea what's gonna happen to us. We can't predict the future. We can only take precautionary action and deal with what.

the cards that we have been dealt with when they have been dealt with. So yeah, it has been an honour. Thank you for listening to me guys. I will see you next week. And remember, you can't control another person's character, but you can trust your own. See you guys. Love you.