Life as an expat doesn't always run smoothly, but what happens when it drives off a cliff (with your children in the backseat)? In this episode, Chandra shares her experience of having each of her four children hospitalized, at different times, for different reasons... and gives her take-aways on how to navigate it, all while living abroad.
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"Live and Travel in the Know" with Expatriotical!
Life as an expat doesn't always run smoothly, but what happens when it drives off a cliff (with your children in the backseat)? In this episode, Chandra shares her experience of having each of her four children hospitalized, at different times, for different reasons... and gives her take-aways on how to navigate it, all while living abroad.
Like what you hear? Text and tell me!
"Live and Travel in the Know" with Expatriotical!
Expatriotical- Episode 4: Hospitalizations- Child Edition
Bienvenue, Benvenuti, and Welcome to Expatriotical, the podcast for expats, travelers, and other adventurous souls. I’m Chandra Alley and after living as an expat with my husband and 4 children in two different countries for almost 6 years, I’ve learned the arts of pivoting during pitfalls, travelling tastefully for less, and soaking in amazing new cultures without loosing your own.
Join me, as we dive into the joys and challenges of travel and the expat life every episode!
To have made it to episode four you guys, seems like a dream. It’s truly surreal! One month! It’s been one month! And I am so thankful for have this opportunity to spend sometime with you today. But today we are going to talk about things that are NOT so easy. When, the dream is more like a nightmare. There are a lot of topics that I can touch on there, and I was actually originally going to talk about another hard topic today, but I remembered my oldest son, Carson, was asking me when we were going to talk about him and his brother Isaiah. So, I’m going to tell you a couple of stories about these two little guys.
This pretty much falls under the part of the introduction, where I talk about pivoting during pitfalls. And sometimes those pitfalls, well, let’s be honest, a lot of times those pitfalls are not caused by ourselves they just happen. Whether that’s due to shotty systems, other people making mistakes or being negligent, but I will also say that on occasion, There are or there is user error, and we learn how we can do things better next time.
But this time, the trials that I’m going to mention, were simply things that happened.
So this episode will tackle my experience, at least, with having your child hospitalized when you’re living overseas.
OK, to start with, as I prepared to give birth to Caleb, (I know I said that we were going to talk about Carson and Isaiah but I think it’s important to mention this brief story too), as I prepared to give birth to Caleb, our youngest child, I asked my doctor questions about things like circumcision. And she told me that that was something that wasn’t really practiced in Italy. I was naïvely surprised, because I just assumed that any predominantly Christian/Catholic countries did that, but that was the wrong thing to assume.
So she connected me to a pediatric urinologist, and we scheduled a procedure to be done for Caleb after he was born. We arrived at the hospital, a different hospital from where he was born, in the afternoon, and we checked into a room, where we proceeded to wait, for I can’t even tell you how long. The doctor came in, some paperwork was filled out, and eventually they called us down to where things were going to take place. When we arrived, I came around the corner and I saw for the first and so far only time in my life, an operating theater. Like the kind that you see on ER or Grey’s Anatomy. And I just thought, “Oh my goodness!”
And as I stepped forward to take Caleb in, they yelled, well, not yelled angrily, but urgently said, “ No, no, no, you can’t come in, you’ll change the temperature of the room, which has been sterilized and temperature controlled!
I immediately backed up said, “ Oh, I’m so sorry!” And then handed Caleb to the nearest nurse. And Chris and I then went back to the room where we had been waiting, and Caleb was brought to us probably about 45 minutes later.
The contrast, between what we had experienced with our first sons, and what we were experiencing in Italy was vast. And if we had assumed that we could just get things scheduled once we had had Caleb and were in the hospital, we would have been extremely wrong. And that would’ve caused a lot of problems later.
So even though this was not an overnight hospitalization, we were there from probably 1 o’clock in the afternoon till 9 o’clock at night. For a procedure that the United States, takes about 15 minutes in a doctor’s office.
I suppose the moral of the story is, if you have a procedure that you know needs to be done, start working on things in advance. Don’t assume that things are going to be the same way as “back home”, because so far in my experience, they rarely are. And I’m not saying that to be bossy, I hope it doesn’t come off that way, but just wanting to put that little nugget in your head for a later time.
Ok! So now, let’s go to Isaiah, my third child. When we moved to Italy, Isaiah was about 18 months old and he was my late bloomer as far as walking. He didn’t start walking until he was 14 months old. I mentioned that my mom had came to visit us for the first time when we had moved in Italy in February 2019. It was during that visit, where she and I had made the trip to Rome (see episode 2 “Redefining “Trailing Spouse” if you haven’t heard that story), and that’s when we experienced our first broken bone.
We had gone to a play café to have dinner. We had munched on some delicious focaccia pizza, and the kids were going through the slides and ball pits, and had moved to a trampoline. Like I said, Isaiah was still pretty new to walking, but he wanted to go everywhere his big brother and big sister went. So he followed them into the trampoline, and, after not too long, we heard a piercing scream. I’m pretty sure I was nursing Caleb at the time, so Chris got to him first, and asked Lilliah and Carson what had happened. And they said that they were all jumping and then they fell, and both Lilliah and Carson landed on Isaiah.
When Chris picked him up and anytime in the next hours, if he would even slightly touch his leg, he would scream at the top of his lungs and cry, and try to get your hands away from him.
We of course all loaded up in the car, and started driving to the closest emergency room. We had chosen our house, because it was not only 16 minutes away from the school, but it was about a seven minute drive to the emergency room at the university research hospital.
It was a large campus, so it took us a little bit to find the emergency room, but when we got there. Chris and I went in with Caleb and Isaiah and my mom stayed in the car with the two older children. We got there and began in our terrible Italian to try to find somebody that could help us. Long story short, we were told that on a weekend, it was a Saturday, no one could treat anyone under the age of 14 years old. They could do an x-ray, but there were no doctors that could set a bone or apply a cast.
We couldn’t believe it. This was the whole reason we had chosen this location, well, that’s an exaggeration. I just told you there was another reason, but it was a major reason. And it ended up being useless. So I text our pediatrician, that is one wonderful thing that I love in Italy! And I have also experienced here in France, doctors will give you their personal numbers, which can be used for an emergency purpose. It’s absolutely wonderful. And I always did my best and do my best to respect their time and their privacy, but was so thankful that I had her number when needed. You’ll see why a little bit later in the story as well.
Anyway, she referred us to a hospital in the middle of Milan called Ospedale Gaetano Pini, which specialized in broken bones. We made our way into Milan to this hospital. And all seven of us, that’s including my mom, went into the hospital. We were not in the public health system, so that created a bit of an issue, trying to register Isaiah, but we got it done, and they took Chris and Isaiah back. And I sat with Caleb, my mom, Lilliah and Carson in this gloomy 1970s or 1980s-styled emergency room, waiting for probably two hours. The kids were getting hungry, it was an hour and a half or more past their bedtime, and communication with Chris was limited, because not much was happening.
Finally, probably around 10:30 at night, we got to leave the hospital. I think my mom flew out a couple of days later, though she did so regrettably, wanting to stay to help. But there wasn’t much she could’ve done. This was going to be our new normal for the next several weeks. Figuring out how to bathe a one going on two-year-old, trying to keep him from walking on it, which he really couldn’t so he basically scooted around and got pretty fast at it, which was adorable, and carrying him up and down the three levels of our house. That was our new normal.
When the time came to cut the cast off, he was absolutely terrified, and the screaming convinced again. And once the cast was off, it took him several days to a week to figure out how to walk again. And he limped and was a bit bowlegged for quite a few months, which really worried me. But I’m happy to report that he is happy, healthy, and his legs are straight as a board, and all is well.
But in the midst of it, it didn’t feel like it was going to be well. It was stressful. Your heart breaks because your child is in pain, and you’re frustrated because nothing is the same as what you are used to. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And you just have to take things one day at a time.
Also, these experiences can prep you for any other issues that lie ahead. For us, our experience with Isaiah breaking his leg made it a lot easier when our daughter Lilliah broke her arm just 2 months later. Though it was stressful and no fun, it was easier because we knew where to go and what to do and not do. And that can make all the difference in the world. I’ve heard other people say that a lot of times it’s the fear of the unknown that causes anxiety, not the actual trial or hard stuff itself.
OK!
Now for our grand finale. I think that Carson wants me to tell the story because if I’m honest, he was quite the trooper!
His story starts out very benign. He was 4 years old had just started school (pre-K), for the first time in September and was loving school. Around the end of the month or maybe it was the beginning of October, because October 2nd one really stands out as a date in my mind for this particular issue. He started getting a rash on his feet and ankles. And he had it for about five days and it started to rise up his leg, even though I was putting a hydrocortisone or anti-itch cream on it. And Chris mentioned to me around that time that maybe we should make an appointment for him, so I scheduled an appointment for him on a Friday after school and drove him in to our pediatrician’s office.
Dr. Paesani asked me what was happening, I told her about the rash, and she asked if he had had a fever. And I said no not that I noticed. And she took his temperature and he had a very slight fever, maybe 99 point something degrees, Fahrenheit that is. So technically not even a full-fledged fever.
And I believe she gave us antibiotics to start treating it and told us to keep an eye on it and let her know if he wasn’t getting better. And that’s exactly what happened, the antibiotics didn’t work and our sweet boy got really sick.
His temperature skyrocketed to over 103° Fahrenheit, and when he went to use the restroom in the middle of the night, he couldn’t control his bowels. And he didn’t even realize he had made a mess, he was so delirious.
Throughout the night when he had the high fever we tried to keep him hydrated, and in the morning we text Dr. Paesani to let her know what had happened. She said we should take him to get his blood drawn and she started looking into things. When we got the results back, which came a little more rapidly with the help of a sweet friend and neighbor, who was also a doctor, we sent them to Dr. Paesani. And after a short while she text me and said we needed to take Carson to the hospital immediately!
She said that she believed that Carson had something called Kawasaki disease, and that he needed to receive treatment immediately.
At this point, I can’t even remember how we got Carson and Chris to the hospital, but of course we took him immediately. And during this time I started looking up this mysterious Kawasaki disease. Today I describe it to people when they ask about it as almost like an auto immune reaction to just a regular virus. I’m sure I read what the Mayo Clinic had to say but what I remember the most was what Wikipedia said, I know it’s not the best source for any sort of information, but it was the most thorough and so I read it. Wikipedia said that, “ Well, the specific cause is unknown, it is thought to result from an excessive immune system response to an infection in children, who are genetically predisposed.” It also said when you scroll down further that, and I quote, “ even when treated with high dose IVIG regimens within the first 10 days of illness, 5% of children with Kawasaki disease develop at least transient coronary artery, dilation and 1% develop giant aneurysms. Death can occur, either due to myocardial infarction secondary to blood clot formation in a coronary artery aneurysm or to rupture of a large coronary artery aneurysm. Death is most common 2 to 12 weeks after the onset of illness.”
As you can imagine, reading that was terrifying. And from this point, we started praying really hard. To give you my best short version. Carson was in Buzzi, the children’s hospital in Milan for a total of 13 days.
The first 10 days he was there receiving the, literally life-saving, immuno-globulin treatment, he was being monitored carefully by doctors and Chris stayed by his side the whole time, and yet still tried to work remotely.
The wonderful community that I lived in, rallied, and started helping me in so many ways. Especially by staying with Caleb and Isaiah every afternoon, so that I could see my sick boy and take Chris a late lunch, and bring him an early dinner. (Just a reminder that I was still nursing Caleb at this point, and so could not go more often, nor be the one to stay with Carson the whole time.)
After 10 days, Carson was released, and we celebrated by buying a movie off of iTunes, and I made a simple butternut squash soup for him to eat. When we had finished eating, and I was snuggling with him on the couch, watching the live-action version of Aladdin, I looked over at him, and his lip and part of his face had started to swell. He had never been allergic to anything, but was almost having like an anaphylactic allergic reaction. He said he could breathe just fine, but his face was getting bigger by the minute.
Chris drove him back to the hospital, and they spent another three days there. Doing blood tests, even testing the samples of the soup that I made. And it seemed as though he had had a faux-allergic reaction to the soup.
Thankfully, he never had that sort of swelling again, but for the next two years, he had to go every few months at first, and then every six months to get an EKG and a blood test. One to make sure his heart was not damaged, and two to make sure he had not contracted HIV or any other blood-born virus from the immunoglobulin treatment he had received. (Ironically, making those appointments through a computer automated telephone system, is where I realized I was really starting to understand Italian.)
Other side effects from the sickness, were that he would get, for years, strange bumps on his body, if he got too hot, especially when it was at night.
I have in my prayer journal at the very top, the very first prayer, a prayer for his full healing. That he will never have any heart problems, that his immune system would be fine, and that he would stop having those strange skin reactions. I’m happy to say that for the past almost 2 years, he has not had any, strange skin bumps or anything like that. And as of his last EKG and blood test, he’s in the clear there too, thank the Lord!
I don’t share all of this to scare the crud out of you. And if I did, I’m really sorry. But I think the moral of this story, is make sure you build community. Be intentional. There’s the saying, “ Man is not an island”, And that is especially something you need to remember and guard against when you’re an Expat.
It can be easy to close yourself off, because you’re overwhelmed, you’re exhausted, you’re an introvert maybe and struggle getting to know people anyway, there’s lots of reasons, but it’s so important to try even just a little bit, try to build relationships with the people that you have in your day-to-day life.
Because one day, they literally might be lifesavers for you.
So I want to take this time, and I really hope I don’t miss anybody because it’s been almost 5 years ago since this happened, to thank those wonderful ladies and their families, that came around us and supported us during that time. So thank you, Jena, Veronica, Eve, Jenny, Raffaella, Esra, Marny, and anyone else that I am forgetting, that rallied and supported us during this really difficult and dark time in our lives. You were godsends and we are forever grateful for you!
Oh my goodness, you guys we need to lighten things up in here! Let’s go ahead and get to sharing the fun names and ideas that you all had for redefining the horrid term “trailing Spouse”! Also, I will say, I really loved the banter that we had on Instagram with everyone sharing the different strange takes that they had heard for this term, such as “snailing spouse”, disgusting, and trailing spouse being used as a medical term. For example, “Ugh, oww, my trailing spouse is really acting up right now.” That was hilarious. Not that I love the term “trailing spouse”, but just trying to get a little bit of laughter out of something that’s ridiculous, is enjoyable.
My friend Crystal, who lives in Japan, and yes, that was her amazing photo of Expatiotical on the train, said “special counsel” or “ expatriate support team lead”. This one, I especially love, because her husband and my husband are in similar fields, and team lead is a phrase they use a lot!
And @funchik gave me a ton of great ideas such as: career paired navigator, family navigational expert, career support manager, navigational champion, and my favorite… reality master! I mean that pretty much nails it, right there!
I feel like there might have been more people that wrote in, but they may have come in through different channels, and I’m not seeing it on my Instagram feed. So, this is an important reminder that for any interactions, if you would kindly DM me through @Expatriotical on Instagram, I would really appreciate it! I’m working on the Facebook profile, but it is having issues with being able to communicate with the Instagram profile, and it may get deleted.
Now let’s get to this weeks “Chan Select”!
So today we are going to have our first Paris-based “Chan-Select”! I’m really excited about it, because for some reason, the idea just hit me the other day, and I can’t wait to share it!
So I started doing tours here in Paris at the beginning of this school year (that 2023-2024 if you’re tuning in later). My friend Heather asked if I was interested and told me it was one flat fee for all of the tours (minus entrance fees for some of the museums) that we would do in the year and there were approximately two tours a month. The price was great and so I thought, yeah, let me get to know the city better.
I cannot tell you how delightfully surprised I was by what I started experiencing. I went in, not really knowing what exactly to expect, and gotten an amazing tour every time!
Our tour guide’s name is Xenia, she is from Greece, and has lived here in Paris for many years. And has an absolute flare and passion for history!
We are coming up on probably 10 tours now, maybe more than that, I know I’ve had to miss at least one due to having kids sick at home, and I feel like each one is better than the next! (With the exception of the Centre Pompidou Modern Art Museum, but that was due to my dislike of most modern art and not at all reflective of Xenia and the tour itself!)
We have toured Hotel Invalides and seen Napoleon’s tomb, we have done walking tours where we went through covered passages that many Parisians don’t even know about, and I’ve learned the history of Paris at the Carnavalet Museum, and just the other day, even though I’d already been there twice, I went to see the highlights of the Louvre, and let me tell you, Xenia dazzled us! She’s funny, witty, and her passion for history and learning about the world around you, Paris, that.. it’s just infectious! Five stars, and two thumbs up. I highly recommend booking with her!
I’ll be honest she has a pretty full schedule, but if you are ever coming to Paris, and know a bit in advance, it is worth your time, especially if you have a large group, as that spreads out the cost of her very reasonable fee, to contact her and see if she has space or availability for your group! You can contact her directly on Instagram at @thechoiceofparis.
OK everyone, that’s it, we made it through a slightly tough episode. Thank you all so much for listening and letting me join you on your journey today. If you haven’t already subscribed on your podcast app, would you take just a second just to press follow or subscribe or touch the + if you’re using Apple podcasts, I would really appreciate it! And if you’re feeling super enthusiastic, if you would rate Expatriotical and leave a review, I would be so grateful!
I’ll be honest that I almost forgot this episode’s quote. Today, it comes from a traveler, and not an expat, who in her lifetime travelled to over 40 different countries. And since our subject today was about hospitalizations and childhood illness, Ms. Helen Keller, who was rendered deaf and blind at the age of 19 months old, after a high fever and a terrible bout with illness, is the perfect person to get our quote from. This quote also fits perfectly as we touched on the importance of intentionally cultivating friendships when you’re abroad, as those friendships may carry you through hard times.
Helen said, “Walking with a friend in the dark, is better than walking alone in the light.” I love, love, love the symbolism there and her words ring so true!
I hope you have an amazing rest of your week and I’ll meet you here again next week, next Wednesday by the way, it’s important for you to know that new episodes in the regular cycle come out on Wednesdays. So I’ll meet you here next Wednesday for another new episode. But until then, this is Chandra Alley, reminding you to “Live and Travel in the know with Expatriotical”!