3 Catholic Marriage Habits We Wish We Started Earlier

What happens to a marriage after kids?

After years of parenting and busy family life, we slowly realized we had stopped intentionally prioritizing our relationship as husband and wife.

In this epsiode, we share 3 Catholic marriage habits we wish we had started earlier and the simple things that helped us reconnect as husband and wife.

If you’re trying to build a strong Christ-centered marriage while raising children, we hope this episode encourages you.

Topics in this episode:

• Catholic marriage

• Marriage after kids

• Catholic parenting and family life

• Date nights and communication

• Reconnecting in marriage

• Strengthening your relationship

• Christ-centered marriage

Transcript

Earlier on in the marriage, I feel like um we didn't really prioritize the marriage. I think it was just kind of assumed that we would always have time to go out and do things. I think you really put that really well. Meaning we didn't prioritize our relationship. We hadn't booked the tickets yet. Did I get cold feet and not want to leave the kids? I can't remember what it was. No, no, no, no, no, no. I think this is Well, this is my memory. Correct me if I'm wrong. I So this was the very first conversation question that they had us practice and it says, "Tell each other your strongest memory of the first time you met." A strong memory early on before we were married is when we I feel like this is like personal. I was like trying to encourage my friend to like date you. I was like, "Oh, he'd be so awesome for you." And then in the meantime, I remember feeling like these feelings of like, "Oh, I kind of like him actually, but maybe he's a little bit too old for me.

Janelle. Mhm. This past weekend was our 17th wedding anniversary. Mhm. 17. How's that going for you? 17 years of marriage. Yeah. I would say they're going way better than expected. Well, I feel the same way. So, we thought we'd take an opportunity to share with you three things that have been a blessing to us in our marriage, exercises that uh that you can implement in your own marriage. And so, that's our start off here. Janelle, um what's one thing that we we agree on that we've really changed in our marriage that's really been a blessing to us? You know, that earlier on in the marriage, I feel like um we didn't really prioritize the marriage. I think it was just kind of assumed that, you know, we would always have time to go out and do things. But then as children started coming along, like it just seemed like our dates are a time kind of away um seemed fewer and far between and um even just our we were just so consumed with kids, you know, all the needs of the kids and the household and whatnot and work. I think you really put that really well. We didn't prioritize the marriage, meaning we didn't prioritize our relationship. Our relationship, the the kids, just our duties took over, right? And Yeah. Yeah. And not that the marriage was struggling, but I at one point we had some friends that invited us to go to Mexico with them on an all-inclusive um week at a resort. And wow, that was sure tempting. And we had it like all figured out. Your parents were going to watch the kids. I think we had like four kids at the time. We'd saved some money. Saved money. And it was we hadn't booked the tickets yet. And then I don't know, did I get cold feet and not want to leave the kids? I can't remember what it was. No, no, no, no, no, no. I think this is Well, this is my memory. Okay, correct me if I'm wrong. I I I realized we It was like at the time $2,000 just over that at that time to go for a week. And my mom and dad were ready to look after the kids. But then I looked at that money and I thought if we went on a date once a month for the next year and divided that $2,000 up over those weeks, we we we couldn't even spend all that money. Mhm. And then I thought, what's going to be more beneficial to our marriage? Going away for 7 days or 5 days, whatever it was, or going on a date once a month. Mhm. We already had the money saved, right, for something. And I just realized and I shared this with you. I think it's more beneficial to our marriage if we just go on a date once a week and once a month. Once a month. Yeah. And so that's what we decided to do. Yeah. So I called my parents. I thanked them for offering to look after our kids, but explained that we weren't going on this trip. We told our friends, "Sorry, we're not going to go." Yes. And ever since then, we've been going once a month. And it's been glorious. I just love it. I look forward to it every month. And I mean sometimes it gets busier and we kind of like you were busy on Thursday nights less term. Yeah. But um but it's okay. We still try and prioritize even if it's like okay let's run and uh go for coffee or something or you know make an errand part of a date kind of thing. Or even like sitting out on the deck. Oh that's so that's been so amazing. I feel like I just love that. That happens more frequently than once a month. Yeah. So, so we're where we have a reserved time on the deck sitting down drinking coffee and the kids are not allowed to come and talk to us for about 15. I've actually contemplated getting a sign saying do not open the front door and have it you can turn it. So, it's like maybe I can get that. So, anyhow, so we've been going on a date once a month. Usually it's just we get to adoration and confession and then we go for supper. And I love it. I mean, we're not really like I'm not big into like adventure dates and like let's plan something creative. Lots of people like that kind of stuff. I'm like let's just keep it as plain Jane as possible. I like that. Yeah. Well, we haven't done anything like that yet.

Anyhow, maybe we won't. Uh Okay. So, that's been great for us. Yeah. Super good. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking you're like, I can't wait to go skydiving. I do not want to do that. Just so you know, we don't have to skydive. How about like kayak down the river? Yeah, maybe.

Okay. Okay. Moving on. There's uh so the date has been great. Next is um so currently we are doing um investing in our marriage by taking a course and actually it was recommended to us by your brother and your sister-in-law. They really spoke highly of it and there's a parish in town that's offering this course. It's called the marriage course. It's an alpha program and surprisingly it's been amazing. We've really enjoyed it. So it's like once a week and we watch these videos and there's like times in between the video where you can discuss and talk about certain topics. It's been really actually insightful and I've really enjoyed it. Yeah. So, we we'll share with you two of the exercises that we've learned in that marriage course that have really benefited us. And so, that first one, well, it was enjoyable that first one. Hope you're enjoying this video so far. Is there by chance any kind of exercise that you do in your marriage that you found very helpful? We would love to hear from you. So, just put it in the comments below. Thank you. So, this was the very first conversation question that they had us practice. And it says, "Tell each other your strongest memory of the first time you met and what first attracted you to one another." Mhm. See, is that so nice? You just think of that. You're like, "Oh, I love that. I want to revisit that memory." Yeah. So, who's first? Uh, I'll go. Okay, you go. So, uh, one of the a strong memory early on before we were married is when we took a 55 passenger bus filled with teens to bring them down to a conference in the US, a steam mill conference. Yes. In Minnesota. And you were a chaperone on that trip and a leader and as I was as well. And I remember you I think we're sitting beside each other perhaps at the front and cuz I would get motion sickness I had to sit at the front and you you got up and you went to the back of the bus and then you started engaging everyone around you at the back talking to them and said, "Okay, we're going to we're going to sing a song." And then you started leading the whole bus from the back in these different songs like that had different parts and rounds. And I remember looking back thinking, she is just remarkable. Like you just commanded everyone's attention so beautifully and gently. And it was it was in that moment that I'm like, there's something really remarkable about you. And it's it caused something within me to like I want to get to know more about you. No, thank you. There's like a romantic surge. That's a nice way of putting it. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, yes. It's funny. I remember at the time I was trying to I was like trying to encourage my friend to like date you. I was like, "Oh, he'd be so awesome for you." And then in the meantime, I remember feeling like these feelings of like, "Oh, I kind of like him actually, but maybe he's a little bit too old for me."

What is there? Six years between us. Six years apart. Okay. Okay. That's my memory. That's my memory. Yours? Okay. Uh, my memory, well, I had multiple experiences of meeting you prior to ever thinking like romantically about it. Um, but I remember just seeing you in uh a position of um leadership in ministry, just like I'd go to these retreats and I'd hear you speak and I'd hear you lead worship and encourage the young people to enter into a a a life of faith. And I'm just recalling like particularly I guess when did I start romantic feelings for you? Well, probably was on that same bus trip actually to be honest. Um and just seeing you cuz I remember there was one evening we were staying at this school or something and I remember we had this like I don't know if it was like a little prayer meeting. It was a pre praise and worship evening and you gave a little talk and I just remember thinking like, "Wow, that's awesome. I really like that about that guy." And then I just continued on from there. Yeah, thanks. I think I have a lot of good memories about those early phases. Yeah, so do I. So do I. But the value of uh what we just did is just it just renews the connection, renews like how did we first get connected, right? And this can be done on a date night. You know, sometimes our date nights are more structured where we sit down. This is what we're going to talk about. Tell me how we started in from your mind. Yes. From your perspective. Cuz I think default we typically just go to like, oh, what are the daily ongoings? What's going on with the kids? That would be our discussion. Yes. Yeah. And it's good to revisit this cuz it releases like some good hormones like serotonin. Oxytocin. Is that what it is? Well, that's the bonding hormone. I don't know if that's at least doing um discussions maybe probably a little bit. Okay, the point can be intentional in the date and this is an exercise that could be done. There was another So this is the third one. The third exercise you got the date, you got the recalling the memory number three. We'll get to exercise three in just a second here. But I want to thank you, our monthly supporter, for allowing us and empowering us to continue the work that we're doing. without you we could not do these videos and so we today we want to say thank you and we pray for you every evening when we say our family rosary. Okay. So the third thing is to show appreciation. And okay, this seems pretty like redundant like people you would think would show appreciation to their spouse, but I think if you don't get into a habit of it, you can go long periods of time without acknowledging like your gratitude towards a spouse. And um you know, I this just makes me think of something. We were talking to um I think it was like an engaged couple and they were just sharing one thing that they really appreciated about a mentor couple like somebody that they really looked up to was how much that that mentor couple just would say thank you all the time to one another and just like even for the little things of the day. So, I just thought that was beautiful is like what struck the young couple was how this married couple would just show appreciation to one another and we're so grateful for the small things that were done. So, the the activity or the what do you call this? Yeah, an activity exercise. The exercise was to show appreciation. So, it says write down six things you appreciate about your partner, your spouse. Be specific. It may be thanking them for what they do or it may be expressing your appreciation for who they are. Try to make it a mixture. looking particularly for things you may have come to take for granted. So then we had to write six things that we love about one another. Am I supposed to share what I wrote? Sure, why not? Okay. I feel like this is like personal, but that's okay. I can share what I love about you and what I'm thankful for. Um, I love that you laugh so much. I love that you try to bring joy to people. Um, oh yeah, cuz this specific day when I wrote this down, we had gone to go look at a vehicle and um you were just like super friendly with him and were making him laugh and you were actually encouraging this guy to like get married. Um, and then just remembering you sharing a story how when you would go do parish missions, you would stand at the door and you would shake every single person's hand to bring joy to them and to just like engage with them. Uh, number three, I love that you aren't afraid to do hard things or to have hard conversations. Number four, I love that you always make sure that I'm okay and you never pre you're never pressuring or you never make me want um to be like to do anything that I don't want to do or you're just always taking what I think in mind. Even kayaking. Yeah, exactly. You won't force me to kayak. That's exactly what I mean. Number five, I love that you diffuse my frustration and you don't add to it. So like if I'm angry about something, you don't add to it. You don't make me more angry. Like you just you usually just are silent and you don't Yeah, I appreciate that cuz I feel like you could easily fuel my frustration and you feel hurt. And I feel like you're hurt that I I feel like I'm that you're listening. Yeah. Number six. And I love um the father that you are to our kids that you want to spend time with them. you want to hold them and you want to protect them. Thank you, Janelle. Yeah, you're welcome. Appreciate that. So, what I wrote down um

um number one was how you look at me and smile. You do. And it's during the day just the glance of appreciation or admiration like it's just uh it's so life-giving. Um, and it can't be faked. So, thank you. Appreciate that. Number two, how hard you work to keep our house clean. Uh, you're that's a real gift. Uh, and it creates order within our home and I think it brings peace. And so, with with the kids as well, like things have places, you have systems. Um, people know what they're ought to be doing too. Like it's just a general like cleanliness, clean, but then an orderly thing as well. Like the kids know right now what they're supposed to be doing. I hope so. Well, it was communicated to them. Uh number three, your joyful disposition. you're consistently joyful and we all have ups and downs and uh and but like you're consistent with your joy and I just feel like what that's such a great treasure to me and to our family um your consistent prayer. There's certain things in your life that are so consistent. And and when you say consistent, it's sometimes not a like a sexy adjective, but you're just so faithful to your prayer. Every morning I see you. You take out your St. Bridget prayers. Uh you just uh inspire me with that. And so you win grace for our marriage and for our family. And I really love that about you. and uh your ability I think this is number five or six your ability to rejoice and celebrate. You look for opportunities to celebrate life whether it be and we in typical families you have birthday celebrations but you really enjoy celebrating somebody's birthday and it's a big deal to the to that child or to me. Um the and coincidentally the la the person that you seem not to rejoice in the most on their birthday is your own. But it's like so you typically you know expect that in families but then you look for other opportunities like the day they were baptized. We celebrate that um the the day you look at the calendar feast days of the church and and we celebrate those things in our home. You can't get through a week without finding something to celebrate. And celebration again brings the habit of joy, I think. And uh I don't know anyone who does that. Something like that. And I'm really blessed. Well, thank you. Yeah. I I love celebrating. It's true. So, I miss something too. Like I'm sure there's other things that you like to celebrate that I didn't mention. What are they? Oh, you know, just all the the regular feast days and then there's like Father's Day and then there's like, you know, even Lent, like just entering into Lent. I love that. Like entering into the different seasons of the year. Yeah. So, so you can even celebrate Lent. Yes. Is that Can you say that? I'm celebrating Lent.

Anyways, thank you. Yes. Thank you. Hopefully, this conversation has blessed somebody. Hey, I know it's blessed me and me. So, we thank God for 17 years. We do marriage.