Caralyn's Journey of Healing and Empowerment After Trauma

Please give it up for Caralyn Dreyer, whom for the very first time, spoke out loud her journey of surviving the trauma of sexual assault. As anybody knows, being vulnerable is a courageous act in and of itself, but when we are speaking the trauma of being sexually assaulted, the amount of courage and vulnerability is at a whole new level. Caralyn, not only discusses what she had to overcome, but also touches upon other areas that make her story relatable on multiple levels. 

Transcript

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First-Time Speaker Shares Inspiring Story

Speaker 1 0:02

Hello everyone and welcome to On the Spectrum with Sonia , a podcast where we discuss autism spectrum disorder , mental health challenges and anybody who's overcome any challenge that leaves with a message of inspiration , empowerment , hope and , at the end of the day , helps us feel all connected in a world that always tries to disconnect us from one another . So today I have a very special guest , carolyn Dreher . A special note about Carolyn this is her very , very first time ever sharing her story out loud . She was featured on Force Magazine at her article about her unfortunate encounter with sexual assault and she is using her trauma to leave others with inspiration , empowerment , hope , love and feeling connected . I will say when Carolyn said Sonia , I'm ready to share my story out loud and I felt safe coming on your platform . I can't tell you how many tears of joy I shed and I want to start crying right now because I am so humbled by this .

Speaker 1 1:28

And I understand Carolyn had a choice of many , many podcasts she could have chosen for her first time . And I want to say and I know I'm probably sounding like a flight attendant right now and they say you'd have a choice of many airlines you could have flown . So we thank you for flying such and such airline . I want to say , carolyn , thank you so much for being here . I understand you had a choice of so many other podcasts , so without further ado , let's please welcome Carolyn Dreher . Woo-hoo , carolyn , yes .

Speaker 2 1:59

That is like the best welcome ever . That was awesome . I'm going to need that on a video so I can have that every day when I wake up . But thank you so much for having me . I'm so excited and you are the sweetest I . You literally were the first on my list when I was like , okay , I'm ready to speak out , and so it's such an honor to be recording with you and I'm just so excited .

Speaker 1 2:27

Well , thank you , I'm really excited to have you on here and you know , as I said earlier , this is your first time coming out and saying it out loud . Let me ask you why . Now , Carolyn , what is bringing you to this now ?

Speaker 2 2:46

Why now , carolyn ? What is bringing you to this now ? I think there really is something to when you are in your 40s . I wouldn't call it like a midlife crisis per se , but I mean you really start to like take inventory , and I've been wanting to share my story for years . I mean , I've come so close , but you know , life happens or I got scared or whatever , but I just I'm just at a point now where I , if , if my story can help just one person , I can't sit over here anymore and just keep silent and keep it to myself Like I want the pain and suffering that I've been through to have been for some kind of purpose .

Speaker 1 3:27

So , yes , yes , and I feel like we've all gone through things and the best is when we can use what we've been through to help it , inspire and give hope and encouragement and help people feel like they're less alone . And this is the energy I get from you , carolyn , because you know , I feel like you know . When I see you and I talk to you , I feel like you are that person that wants to provide that and give that love to others , and when I look at you , I see just all love to others and when I look at you I see just all love .

Speaker 2 4:12

I try , I try to be a big ball of love as much as possible .

Speaker 1 4:14

I don't know . You got to ask my son . I don't know if he'd agree with that all the time .

Speaker 2 4:16

but I feel like we all have a choice to let those hardships and obstacles weigh us down and make us bitter or resentful , or we can , like , dig deep and , you know , turn it into love and hope and all that kind of stuff .

Speaker 1 4:30

So Absolutely , and you know . Speaking of which you know , you know . You say you have a son . Tell me a little bit about you and your upbringing and your family .

Speaker 2 4:40

Okay , absolutely so . I grew up in a small town in Michigan . I am one of four children . I have an older sister , two younger brothers . Interesting quick backstory . I was adopted . So that's how I ended up in a predominantly white small town . I was adopted from Pennsylvania when I was about a year old . But another interesting part to that is my older sister was also adopted . We are not biologically related . My adoptive mom was adopted and then two of her brothers , my uncles , were also adopted . So it was a rough experience but it was not in the fact of . You know , there was other people in not having that biological link and you know that's like a whole other topic , you know but , I struggled with that a little bit .

Speaker 2 5:53

So overall it was a decent childhood . Like I grew up kind of in the outskirts . So we , you know , we were always playing outside . I was running around bare feet eating tomatoes out of my mom . So we , you know , we were always playing outside . I was running around bare feet eating tomatoes out of my mom's garden . You know that type of stuff .

Speaker 2 6:09

But it was a little challenging for me because of skin color . Like I just mentioned , it was a predominantly white town so more often than not I was the only brown girl in class or the only minority . So looking back , I think that's kind of when the social anxiety started to slowly develop , because I always felt like all eyes were always on me because I stuck out . I didn't I mean , how could you not notice me ? I would go to the store with my dad , who's white , and I would wonder , like , what are these people think of you know , a white man with , you know , a minority child ? I'm sure other people thought nothing of it , but to me as a child I was like I wonder if they'll think that he kidnapped me , you know , because it was just . I just couldn't understand how I fit into the rest of the world . So that was . That was hard . School was okay . I got bullied a little bit because of the skin color . I was called the N word . One little girl was like yeah , you , you took your bath in mud today , that's why your skin is Brown . Um , I got , it was awful . Now I had a nickname for her too . So in all fairness , you know , but at the same token , you know , kids say things cause they don't understand . But , um , that was rough . I got teased , uh , cause my face didn't like catch up to my mouth . So my lips were a little bit bigger . So I got called blubber lips . On the school bus it was rough , but not to the point where I didn't want to go to school . I just had anxiety , the anxiety of riding the bus . And then Black History Month I literally felt like all the kids were turning and looking at me like , oh , I wonder what she thinks about , and I'm sure they weren't thinking that . But that's like how it felt . So I think that was like the slow development of being extremely self-conscious , being extremely self-conscious , and the rest of childhood was okay . I had friends . The bullying pretty much stopped in elementary school , middle school , how that is your hormones and all that . You're breaking up with this boy and in a fight with this group of friends , breaking up with this boy and in a fight with this group of friends . But that was probably one of the first times that I was struggling .

Speaker 2 8:51

I tried to run away from home in sixth grade . I don't know where exactly I was planning on going . I didn't really plan that far . What I did is I hid in the bathroom instead of getting on the school bus . So I'm hiding in there until the buses pull off and then on the intercom I hear Carolyn Dreyer , could you please come to the office , right ? Because my mom had called because I didn't make it home from school . So that plan kind of fell through . So she came to school and she's like where were you going to go ? And I was like , oh , I was going to go to my friend Mandy's house . I didn't have any long-term plans . Clearly I was in sixth grade . What was I going to go ? Get a job . You know what I mean .

Speaker 2 9:39

But that was the first , probably , experience in life where I felt I had to run away you know , at that young of an age and I know it had a lot to do with feeling like I didn't fit in , even though I had friends . I just always felt like , are they friends with me Because their parents are like yep , you know the little brown girl in class , make sure you include her too . Like I thought stuff like that . Like are they genuinely my friends or are they just being nice to me because they're getting a lecture before they leave the house in the morning ? So I think at that age , just a bunch of complex things were slowly starting to develop .

Speaker 1 10:21

Sure , Sure , and it's like you always felt , like you were othered is what I'm hearing is like you always felt like , even though you were in an environment , you weren't in an environment right At the same time it was like yes , and so it makes a lot of sense then why you wanted to escape and get away . Because let's just also face it sixth grade , you're in middle school . By then , middle schoolers are jerks okay they really are .

Speaker 1 10:51

You know , I am working with middle schoolers now in my practice and I have clients who are sixth , seventh and eighth grade right now and the stories they would share , that it's just , it's heartbreaking . Sometimes I look at them and I want to like really cry for them , because it's like just people the way they treat , get treated and the way that they what they feel they need to do in order to fit in , and you know the way people will , you know , make judgments on them . It's like you know what I mean . I remember having that , you know , and I remember being there myself in sixth grade and , oh my gosh , it was brutal . Middle school is a hellhole . Let's just put it this way , and I'm sure this is your experience from what you're saying . I'm sure that this is something you can heavily relate to it's a hell hole .

Speaker 2 11:45

Yes , like my poor teacher , I promise you , like every other day it was either me or my friend Carol or Tara or Laura . One of us was in the hallway with her in tears . Oh , like so-and-so is , you know , won't sit with me or they won't talk . I mean that poor teacher bless her heart . Middle school bless your heart . I mean you got to have a lot of patience and it's a tricky time because you're slowly starting to develop into who you're becoming , but yet you're not capable of really understanding what that all entails .

Speaker 1 12:24

Right and at you know , and at that time too , I think it's hard for people that age because you know I'm writing my memoir where I talk about the bullying and the things I've been through and you know lessons and reflections back and I think when you're that age , you know you don't understand . It's like it's always easy to assume why does everybody hate me ? Why is everybody rejecting me ? What's wrong with me ? Instead of being able to turn that focus around and being like well , what's going on with these other people , right ? What's so sad in their life that they have to act this way at school ? What's going on with these bullies , right ? What's missing in their life that they have to go in and bully another person ?

Speaker 2 13:10

Yes , absolutely .

Speaker 1 13:14

Yes . So you grew up in a town in Michigan , small town , and you felt very othered . You were , you felt like , even though you had friends , you weren't sure if these friends are genuine . How long did this feeling last ? Did it last all throughout middle school ? Did it go , did it stop in middle school or did it follow you through high school ? How long did this like ?

Speaker 2 13:40

go on , for I think it probably got better in high school . No , I'm going to say it got better , but I feel like in hindsight I maybe like buried it or maybe I found some way to put it into perspective to where I could deal with it , cause I feel like high school was decent . I had friends , I was involved in the marching band , so I was a band band . But I did have an experience where a boyfriend I was with broke up with me and I found out through my friend that it was because of my skin color .

Speaker 2 14:17

And so that was so rough . But my mom , she's Korean , so she had gone through a similar experience in high school where , you know , boys weren't allowed to date her because relationships with friends . I was heavily involved in church so that definitely was something that was helpful . So eventually I started to be trusting . But I think because I was in a small town , I didn't really understand that you can't trust everybody and , to be fair , my parents live in the town that they grew up in . My mom lives in the house that she grew up in . So , to be fair , I don't know that they would have been able to prepare me any differently . You know what I'm saying Because they're still in the same place Now . We travel . We went to like different parts of the country growing up , so it's not like we were sheltered that much .

Navigating Self-Identity and Acceptance

Speaker 2 15:35

But I think not knowing that you can't trust everybody was something that played a monumental role when I went on to college . That played a monumental role when I went on to college , which , by the way , was a huge like awareness , if you want to say .

Speaker 2 15:51

I was a good girl in high school . I never had alcohol . I didn't hang out with the kind of kids that party . The worst I would do is come home late from talking to my boyfriend in the parking lot after work . So college that I mean for lack of a better term I could say I went buck wild . I don't know how else to term that , because I'm on my own , I'm living on campus . Look , I couldn't wait to go to college .

Speaker 2 16:20

In fifth grade we had an assignment to write to a college we'd want to go to . I wrote to Penn State because I wanted to go to college . In fifth grade , we had an assignment to write to a college we'd want to go to . I wrote to Penn State because I wanted to go to school there , because I was adopted from Pennsylvania . So I think in my head I was like maybe I'll find my biological mom , whatever . So I was ready to go to college . You know , like in fifth grade , like I was ready to go . So when I finally got there , I mean I can go to bed when I want , I can eat French fries every day . I should go to class every day , but who's going to tell me that I have to , really ? So I went crazy . Well , okay , I don't want to say it like that , but it was exciting . It was an exciting time I was like there's more people who look like me , let's get this , we're going to do awesome . And that happened for a little bit .

Speaker 2 17:14

But slowly , you know , some of those same themes from childhood started to resurface . I was not necessarily accepted by minorities , but predominantly the African-American community which , by the way , I am half African-American , half Korean . I don't think I mentioned that earlier . So that's by being biracial . You know that's a whole other beast to conquer . But you know you feel like you don't fit in with Caucasian people . I don't feel like I fit in with African-Americans . Most people don't even know what my ethnicity is , you know , just based off of looking at me . So , again starting to feel accepted , but not so much . And you know , looking back , I probably this whole time was not able to accept myself you know , I think is the main crux of it all .

Speaker 1 18:16

So let me ask you , yeah , yeah . So let me ask you this . So , like this idea of self-acceptance you know a lot of this . We start learning self-esteem in childhood , right , and that's you know . It's like when kids are praised for things they do well , when they're made to feel safe if they make mistakes and can feel like , okay , well , I'll still be loved unconditionally , right . We learned this in childhood and a lot of this also gets reinforced then as we grow older and with peer socialization and things like that , Right .

Speaker 1 18:50

And so you know , going through what you've been through , right , what parts of you started to disown you ? Because it seems like going through what you've been through growing up thus far . Because it seems like going through what you've been through growing up thus far and then not feeling like you fit in and wondering are people really genuine to you ? And then finally finding some stride in high school to some extent and then getting broken up for because the guy was a racist , yeah , right , and all along . And then going to college and then once again having some remnant themes you made some friends , but then at the same time , you also felt like you didn't belong anywhere , like you couldn't fit in with the Caucasians , you couldn't fit in with the African-Americans , you couldn't fit in with different groups . Yeah , what parts of you started to feel like you disowned you at the , you know , starting when you were younger .

Speaker 2 19:47

You know I this is like , probably a strange like example . But so because I I have ethnic hair , so I used to wear my hair short , growing up like short , short . Um , so in sixth grade we it was school picture time . I , you know , I always thought my hair looked normal . When school pictures came back , somebody pointed out oh , look at you , you have an afro . For some reason I don't want to say I was offended , but it hurt my feelings that they said that . I don't know why . But it was from that moment on that I started to look at myself differently . I started to look at myself differently up until that point it's so crazy Like I accepted , like I thought I looked good . I mean , I'm sure I did look good in my school picture . But when somebody says something like that , it switches the way you view yourself . It really really does . And that as as strange of an example that might be , that's stuck with me because then I started I looked and I was like , oh , I guess I didn't fit in as much as I thought . And from that point on I don't know if I ever really got that confidence back .

Speaker 2 21:07

And then in college I had a similar experiences . These girls I had befriended , I believe . Actually all of them were African-American . So I told you I had never drank before college . So the first time I drank I was drunk . I mean they thought I was faking it for attention . So they had like this little intervention with me , right . So , mind you , these are girls I just met . Now in hindsight their hearts were in the right place , absolutely , but at the time so they're all sitting around like yeah , we're very concerned . You know , you're kind of wild . You're hanging out with all these different guys . We just think you're faking when you're drinking . And I was like who are these girls ? They have a lot of audacity . They don't even know me . They would know I'm the least fake person ever . I can't hide anything . My emotions are always on my face , like you'll never really have to guess where you stand . But I was like the nerve of these girls to help me out for having a good time .

Speaker 2 22:23

You know , in hindsight they were looking out , but I think also at that point it was the mere fact of people pointing out their perspective of me and because I wasn't confident enough in myself , I believed it . I was like , oh well , I guess you know there's another group of people I've disappointed and I don't measure up to , so you know , f them and I slowly distanced myself . You know I really should have stayed closer from those girls in hindsight , but you know , you live and you learn and so I think just , I never could just get over other people's perceptions of me , other people's definitions of me . I was allowing myself to fit other people's narratives , basically because I didn't . I was like , well , I'm trying to be myself but that's not working .

Speaker 2 23:17

So , okay , well , let me just be what the people want and , you know , fit their little narrative of some clueless girl who's faking her personality . So you know , if you can't beat them , join them type of mentality , very self-destructive in that instance , because they , they really were looking out for my best interests . The delivery was catty and horrible , but the intent , you know they were . I'm not saying had I listened to them , my life would have changed drastically . But in hindsight , you know , I should have had a different crowd of friends . But you know , I didn't know .

Speaker 1 23:56

Basically , you know , here's the thing . You know , you , you were still trying to figure it out for yourself . You know it seems like , and you know , and when you grow up , you know not feeling accepted and feeling safe in the sense of you know what I can be , who I am , and I know that you know I'll be okay because of who I am . If you don't grow up with that sense of safety and security , right , it's how how are you supposed to know any different when you start , when you're trying to navigate the world , absolutely .

Speaker 2 24:33

Absolutely . So now we will fast forward a little bit . So , you know , college continued . I would maybe show up for class here and there , whatever .

Speaker 2 24:49

So fast forward to the last semester of freshman year , which was springtime . So it was April , easter weekend at least . You know , in Michigan a lot of people , you know schools have a long weekend . So this girl that I was friends with we had been roommates at some point , but anyway we were going to go to her hometown , which was near the Detroit area . I was supposed to go home that weekend to visit my parents , easter weekend , go have Easter dinner , go to church . You know , I only actually lived 30 , 40 minutes from my parents' house . I actually didn't venture away as far as I thought . So anyway we went to go hang out with my friends' friends , they all went to different schools , they were going to be having some party , so we're hanging out .

Speaker 2 25:43

It's Friday . We were supposed to head to my parents' house that Friday night but my friend's like no , no , let's stay for this party . And I'm like yeah , okay . So I called my dad and I was like yeah , dad , we're going to be heading that way . I think , probably like Saturday or maybe even Sunday morning , when he's like well , are you sure ? Like I really think you guys should , you know , come when you said I was like no , dad , we'll be fine , We'll see you . Then it's a little cryptic when I continue with this story , you know , at that moment , had I not been so rebellious , you know , who knows . But so , anyway , we go to this house party .

Speaker 2 26:28

Now , a lot of the stuff I'm going to tell you I was to the best of my recollection , you know , due to time , because this was like 20 , over 20 years ago , and then also based on the circumstances which I'll explain , I don't remember a whole lot . So we're at this party . I do know there was a couple of people there that went to our same school and then the rest of the people went to another college . So there's drinking , there's music , just chatting , you know , typical college house party . At some point in the night I do remember my friends saying I'm going to leave and drop my boyfriend off at home and I'm like , okay , I mean okay , whatever . I'm sure I was inebriated at this point , so I'm not thinking anything of it . I obviously felt safe , you know , it's not like I was hiding in a corner or anything . So she leaves , whatever . I remember you know there's dancing , whatever . The night obviously had progressed .

Speaker 2 27:57

Recollection that I have is waking up laying on a bed . Now we my friend and I had planned on spending the night there Cause it was like it was like an actual house . It was like a house , so there was room for us to sleep there or whatever . So I don't know how I ended up in that room . I don't know if I said I was tired , I'm going to go lay down . I don't know that part All I know , is , I wake up on a bed .

Overcoming Trauma and Self-Destruction

Speaker 2 28:17

I had a lot to drink , so when I'm waking up it's not like your typical wake up , is very foggy and you know , I don't know what's going on . When I start to come to a little bit , I realize I don't have any clothes on . Oh , and then somehow I'm alerted that somebody is having intercourse with me . So it really is one of those very common , typical freeze responses . The only response I had was tears just streaming down my face . I didn't because I didn't know what was going on . I didn't know what to do . The next thing , I know there's more than one person in there . So I don't know how these individuals were alerted , but they realized I was crying . The next thing , I know , a light switches on and I hear oh shit , and there was more than one unclothed male in there . I don't know the number , you know . I don't know how long or what exactly went down , so they all scatter out of the room .

Speaker 2 29:44

My next memory is still with , probably in a few minutes of that , sitting on the bed . I don't remember if I was crying or not . Now a guy sat with me and I'm not a hundred percent certain , but I do believe it was somebody that my friend and I knew from our school that we were friends with . I tried to call my girlfriend and tell her , like you know , come get me , whatever , but she didn't pick up the phone . So at some point I end up falling asleep and I think this individual sat with me until I did Next thing I know I wake up .

Speaker 2 30:20

You know it's daylight outside . I don't remember if I called her , but she was obviously always coming back to pick me up . I remember her picking me up . I think she probably asked me what was wrong . We went to some diner to eat breakfast . I could barely eat . I told her what happened . The only thing I remember her saying is well , I hope you don't think this is my fault , because I do remember I probably was crying , I tried to call you and you didn't pick up , and I think then her response to that was well , I hope you don't think this is my fault .

Speaker 2 30:59

So , we drive to my parents' house . So so many things are going on . The number one thing , if my parents find out about this , am I going to have to move back home Like I . What am I going to ? What am I ? My instant thing , I think , oddly enough , was like my freedom's going to be taken away . I don't know , I think that was part of it . But we drove to my parents' house . I sat through Easter dinner , did not shed a tear . I had fingernail marks in my hand because I had to , you know , put on a brave face . My friend was there , you know , my younger brothers were there . It was like a family dinner . We made small talk . I don't think we stayed terribly long . So me and my friend finally went back to campus . I never breathed a word of it to my parents .

Speaker 2 31:58

It was later that night . I called another friend and she was like you have to go to the YWCA , you have to go get an exam done . You have to go do this . I didn't want to go , but I went . I showered . Unfortunately , I know you're not supposed to do that , but I do understand why survivors do that . Because you feel disgusting . Sure , you just want to wash it off and shoot . I didn't even know what the heck I was washing off because I didn't really know what happened . So we go to the YWCA .

Speaker 2 32:32

I remember sitting in a room . It was dimly lit . They did a rape kit on me . So I remember sitting in this waiting room and a lady comes in . I don't remember everything that she said , but she did let me know that they found a condom inside of me . It was stuck inside of me . I broke down in tears .

Speaker 2 33:05

I think that was the moment when it really hit me like the magnitude of what happened . You know , I and I don't even remember actually too much of what happened from that point on . I do remember her saying well , we'd like you to come back for counseling . I did go for the initial counseling session but I never returned after that because I just wanted to put it behind me . I was like my parents can't find out . So if I report this to the police , I mean , how are my parents not going to find out about it ?

Speaker 2 33:40

Number one . Number two you know the typical victim blaming , victim shaming situation while she was drinking , victim blaming , victim shaming situation while she was drinking . She was a college party girl . You know , she was flirty . She was this , she was that .

Speaker 2 34:02

I know how that stuff works , you know , and I didn't want to be re-traumatized and not only that , these individuals were football players at a pretty major university and again , I know how that stuff plays out too . I get , I have an understanding of the legal system and all that , but it just I knew what it was like , one of those like David and Goliath type of things , and that's why a lot of these not to like break off the subject , but a lot of these , like the Harvey Weinstein Diddy , a lot of these cases are very triggering for me . Sure , I get , I get it . I get . Now nobody like bullied me into silence , so we'll get that clear . Like , nobody threatened me , nobody did any of that , but I knew little me is going to be up against these pedestal athletes who are probably going to have attorneys If it went that far . You know I'm thinking long-term and I was like .

Speaker 2 35:17

I'm not going to be on the stand having some defense attorney grill me about what happened to me . So I decided to not report it to the police and I don't want to say that was a mistake . You only are capable of doing what you have the ability to do at that time . Now , had this happened when I'm in my forties and I have life lessons under my belt , perhaps I'd have made a different decision . But I just wanted to be done with it Now , to just skip ahead really quickly of like . Years later , I was like you know what I'm going to say something . I'm ready to report this . The statute of limitations had run . That's unfortunate , you know , like throwing them back during class . It wasn't like that . It was definitely like an alcohol dependence , certainly in social situations .

Speaker 2 36:32

Okay , so the drinking . You know I was drinking every night , going out to the clubs , going to this party . One night I drank so much , somebody nudged me and I was so inebriated I fell over and was knocked unconscious . The paramedics show up . They couldn't . I almost died that night . They told me we couldn't find your heartbeat because now , mind you , I'm four , 11 . I was probably like one , 10 , one , 15 pounds at the time . So I don't need to drink a lot . Mind you , you know I'm a virgin to the drinking scene , right , oh , I wake up in the hospital .

Speaker 2 37:15

I had alcohol poisoning . I got a minor in possession so I had to go to court for that . I had to call my friend's mom oh , by the way , your daughter's in jail because she bought me alcohol , because her you know , my friend was older than me . She was able to purchase it , but I was a minor . So that was there , was that situation . So I just started like spiraling , like self-destruction , stopped going to class , got put on academic probation . My financial aid was in jeopardy . I skipped ahead a little bit .

Speaker 2 37:49

But after freshman year I moved back home . But I had wanted to go out . One night . My mom said , no way . I was like oh , really , okay . I called up my girl . I was like girl , come get me . I packed all my stuff , wrote my mom a note and dipped out . I was gone . I moved out at I was 19 . I was 19 . I moved out . I had to go , you know . So I was estranged from my family for a little bit . I had the alcohol poisoning . The sexual assault was just always . I mean , I would close my eyes every night and see it , the stuff I remember . I would see it . I would close my eyes . I mean , even to this day I remember exactly where that house is . I could tell you how to get there , and it's just . It was a really , really rough time and I couldn't really talk to friends about it because they saw me as the party girl . So it's like .

Speaker 2 38:54

Is anybody even going to believe me ? Or are they going to say it was my fault ?

Speaker 1 39:01

And it seemed like when you were trying to explain it to the first time to the friend at the diner the next day , you know , she tried to make it about herself . With all due respect , she tried to make it about herself and be like , well , I hope you don't think that this is my fault and you know it's just , it's a very , you know , like a it's kind of a very selfish way to respond to somebody who's trying to tell you what happened to them the night before . And you know , I think that you know it's understandable why you felt like you couldn't come out or talk to anybody because you were met with such a blowback the first time .

Speaker 2 39:40

Yes .

Speaker 1 39:40

And at a time when you really needed it the most , because it just happened to you most because it just happened to you .

Speaker 2 39:54

Yeah , exactly . And so I spiraled so badly that there was one night I was sitting on the top bunk in my friend's dorm Cause . I think it must've been like yeah , it was summertime , so I moved out . I wasn't taking summer classes , so I wasn't living on campus yet , so I was staying with my friend on campus . I was ready to kill myself .

Speaker 2 40:12

I was like I cannot take this anymore . I cannot take it . Like the the I , the darkness is . It's like a . It's like a indescribable feeling , Like I just literally felt the weight of the world was on my shoulders . I wasn't really talking to my family . I'm dealing with this sexual assault . I can't really talk about that . I almost died from alcohol poisoning . I didn't even wrap my head around the fact that I could have died from that , and so there's just all these things . And so I was like I was was gonna take a bunch of pills . I was like I just it's just like a , it's just like a desperation of like I have to , like you just want to get out of your own skin yes , I can empathize with that feeling , because I've been there before too , where I was just like I can't keep going on every day .

Speaker 1 41:05

I get it . It's like you want to . You just want the pain to end so badly and you don't see a way out . You don't see . You know , this is the thing . It's like you don't want to die , but you also don't see the way out .

Speaker 2 41:19

Absolutely , absolutely . And that's why there are so many different layers to suicide , because it's not always about it's just you . You just want out of this situation . You just want to be free and like not have to wake up with a dark cloud over your head Like every

Overcoming Trauma, Finding Connection

Speaker 2 41:38

day . It's just , it's just in the background , that noise , and so I just I'm writing this note to my family and it was divine intervention , I swear to you .

Speaker 2 41:49

It was because I am writing this note and this memory pops in my head . I had spoken to my mom after I moved out , I don't remember when , but she shared with me that my youngest brother cried , because at this time I think my brothers must have been in like elementary , middle school , somewhere around that age , but the youngest brother cried that I had moved out . And that touched me in such a way because , remember , I was telling you I never really felt like this connection with my family , think I kind of and you and I have spoken about this like underestimating the importance that you bring to other people , and in that moment I was like , oh my gosh , like that's right , I'm important to somebody . I've got to figure this out . And then I started to think about like . And then I started to think about like , thinking about my parents , like after I'm gone you know , like how could I , how could I do that to them ?

Speaker 2 42:54

And you know they didn't know all this stuff that was going on . So it would literally be like one of those situations where , well , we didn't know anything was wrong . And you know that's another reason I'm speaking out is just to encourage people Like you . Just , you gotta let that stuff out . You know , you gotta let it out . So , excuse me , got a little choked up there , but you know , it's just that it's such a palpable feeling of like WTF , like what , like , what do I do ? Like what the hell do I do ? Like I'm clawing my way out and then somebody dumped a bunch of sand on you and you fall back and you're at the bottom again and then you've got to claw . It's just , and you know , and then I'm sure I have like anxiety and depression . That was always in the background too . So it's just so many things going on .

Speaker 2 43:50

And I called a trusted friend which were few and far between at that point , and he actually at the time worked at a juvenile detention center , so he was educated in like crisis intervention and that type of stuff . So I actually called the right person , thank God . But you know he talked me down , he came over . But you know , I didn't never go to counseling after that and up until maybe recently I didn't share that with anybody , you know . But here I am today because I just have to . You know .

Speaker 1 44:44

But here I am today because I just have to I am willing to put myself on blast , so to speak , and probably so to hope , you know , hoping that this touches at least just one person who's been there and can see that you can come out of it . You know , and your story is so powerful Even I got choked up listening . Your story is so powerful , it needs to be told , and you're such an inspiration and a brave lady , and you know , you know , just sharing what you did and what you know , and sharing all the things you've been through , all the trials , the tribulations , what would you say is some of the lessons , now that you've learned , that you would like to share to help other people who may find themselves in a similar situation , or facing or just dealing with the aftermath of it too .

Speaker 2 45:31

Yeah , oh , man , I mean I think you know I was writing I'm a note taker , so excuse me so I was writing some notes to prepare for this and these themes that I came up with were like acceptance and accountability , and I think , unfortunately , we have to accept the hurt and the trauma that we've been through . We have to accept that that's something that has happened to us . We have to accept that that's something that has happened to us Now , with accepting that you don't take that on as your identity per se . You accept that I've been through these rough things and I've got to find a way to get out of it . And I'm a very private person and for many reasons it's been very difficult for me to maintain friendships . I can formulate them pretty well , but the one thing that I wish I would have done differently back then was to reach out Like no man is an island . I hate little sayings like that , but it's like , so appropriate . I mean you can't , you can't get through these things on your own . You just you can't do it . You , I , I did for the most part . I mean I've had good relationships here and there , but go to therapy , go to a support group , you know , talk to a friend , talk to a family member , but you can't get through these things on your own and it's going to take a really long time to look at the world as a trusting , safe place . It really is , and I struggle with that . It really is and I struggle with that today , at times not as bad as I used to , but you have to take the tiniest , tiniest steps to be able to slowly form those connections . But it's going to be up to you . You can have all the support in the world and I don't know if I'm contradicting myself , but it's a balance . You have to do the work on your own . But the bad things that have happened to me , what I am accountable for , is where I go , moving forward , and I'm not found the strength to I don't know , maybe look for places where I could .

Speaker 2 48:39

There were . I don't want to say there were warning signs , but , like I said , I wasn't prepared for the social aspect of college , so I'll put it that way I wasn't prepared for the social aspect of college , so I'll put it that way I wasn't prepared for that . I wish I would have had more lessons about . You have to be careful . You have to be aware of your surroundings . You know , I feel like I just I wasn't prepared . So I guess for anybody I don't know , for someone that's in college or you can relate to like being tossed out into the big sea from like a small little pond . You got to find the right people . You got to stay true to yourself . You can't take on the way other people define you or see you . You can't take that on , you can't do it .

Speaker 2 49:32

But I guess that's and just know . I mean it's going to take time , but you have to be patient with yourself . You have to be patient , you're going to have setbacks , but that doesn't mean you're not progressing .

Speaker 1 49:44

Well , these are very , very golden pieces of advice you've just given , or suggestions or life lessons that we all can learn from . I think you know you're very brave and you know you say that , you know you've had a problem forming friendships . I want you to know that I'm your friend . You have a new friend in me , sonia Chand , new friend in me , and you know I understand the , you know the friendship piece . I can empathize a lot with your story , in many different ways of course , with you know the whole feeling , other feeling like . You know you just wanted the pain to end so badly so you went to a bad place . I get that . You know I can empathize with those things and I want you to know that . You know , even though experiences may have been different , you know I can relate a lot to what you said today in this and you know your story is very relatable and very different and many different levels , and you're going to touch a lot of people's hearts with this .

Speaker 2 50:53

Sonia , you are amazing and you have a friend for life in me for sure . I mean , I would say , like this past year I've made , like so many , we have a lot of mutual connections , um , but I know that these connections are like going to be lifelong . I appreciate this platform , I appreciate you . Like I shared with you before this , I have the worst speaking anxiety . Like I'm talking , you don't want to shake my hand afterwards because it's super slippery and sweaty in my heart .

Speaker 2 51:23

I hope you don't hear that in the background , but I just felt so comfortable and safe to share my story and you just your aura is just so like comforting . It's so comforting . Thank you , you're going to make me cry . Anybody who has the opportunity and you know , the privilege of being on your show or just being somebody that you talk to is just a very lucky person and I just I appreciate you so much and you know you get it like hot off the presses , girl , girl . Like you have the exclusive of Carolyn Dreyer and I couldn't be more proud or excited to have been able to be on your show to share my story .

Speaker 1 52:13

I can't wait to , you know , put this out there . And you know , I mean you know , speaking of this , I'm so glad that you are saying it out loud . Actually , my friend who you follow , vasavi Kumar yeah , we're mentioning you , vasavi , on this one too , and I'm going to tell her this when I speak to her at 11 . She has a book called Say it Out Loud and I really feel like here I'll show it to you right now . It's a very good book , okay , and if you can get a hold of it , definitely do it , because you know what it's helped me a lot with just being more bold and just putting myself out there more . And I guess the one thing I love about this , too , is culturally , because we're both from a similar cultural background . She has bipolar disorder , which she's been open about , so I'm not like spilling dirty secrets on here , you know , and she talks about her mental health you know what I mean as well and all the stuff on here , you know . And I know you follow her on Instagram , but this is one thing . If you could read this book , I think this will help you a lot . And then I know that , you know , just follow her page , you know , because she's always posting really good tips and tricks . So definitely , with that and I think that you know your story I'm so glad that you're coming out , you're sharing yourself . I think anybody who knows you and gets to meet you has no choice but to love you , because you're so like you , you have a bright aura , right . I feel like we all find each other right In one way , shape or form , because , you know , I've always had it in me where I was able to get people who've never shared anything out loud before to share it with me .

Speaker 1 54:08

I've always had it in me where I was able to get people who've never shared anything out loud before to share it with me . I've always had that piece of me where people would come to me and tell me their stuff , and you know so . And I've always dreamt of being a podcaster . Eventually and I did it , I opened it up in late January I always , you know , wanted to help others and I've always dreamt of being an author and I've spoken before , but I want to do more author speaker . So because you're on this , you're on the newsletter , you get exclusive access . It goes both ways . Now you access . But yes , you know , one day really hope this too for you , carolyn . I hope you write your book one day .

Speaker 2 54:50

I , you know there's a lot of big things coming up in the future . So you know , I I want to spread the message of growth , like we have to grow through our pain . Like we can't experience the pain and just like toss it aside , like we have to be in the trenches of it . And when you're growing through that pain , you know , slowly the layers peel back and you can use your voice and not have to feel like you're silenced anymore . So you know , a book might be in the future . You know I am a writer , so there's definitely going to be some stuff . And you know this is just a small portion of the story but it is certainly like the cornerstone of a lot of things that happened in my life and I'm so happy to be on this new journey of speaking out and you've just said the kindest things to me and again , I'm just so appreciative .

Speaker 1 55:55

Well , I appreciate you and you know I don't just say kind things out just randomly to anybody . I speak what I mean , because I'm that type of person . I don't do fake stuff at all .

Speaker 2 56:08

I really don't .

Speaker 1 56:09

If I don't like someone , I will show them . I am my mother's daughter ultimately , at the end of the day , because my mom is like that as much as she denies it when she doesn't like someone . Actually , I've been in rooms before where she doesn't like someone . Right , people were laughing one time . I was trying not to die and I think other people were trying not to die . But my mom will show you what she doesn't like you . Yeah , I'm the same same .

Speaker 1 56:40

Yeah , so it's like and I figured you know , because you're very authentic and true to who you are . I'm very , very authentic , true to me and I don't do fake stuff . So you know , I think that you know , so I just want you to know . I'm so proud of you . I want to thank you . I once again acknowledge you had many other platforms you could have chosen from , but I want to thank you for choosing On the Spectrum with Sonia . I want to thank you for being here . I want to thank you for choosing On the Spectrum with Sonia . I want to thank you for being here . I want to thank you for sharing your story . I want to thank you for giving us that exclusivity to Carolyn .

Speaker 2 57:12

Dreher . Yes , and thank you so much for having me .

Connecting Through Social Media

Speaker 2 57:18

You guys can follow me on Instagram at Carolyn underscore Dreher . You can find me through Sonia's page too . Underscore dryer . You can find me through Sonia's page too , but that's where you can stay up to date on what's going to be up and coming . So , thank you , sonia , I appreciate you so much . You're doing such amazing things and I truly , truly , truly , wish you like the most success and prosperity , and you're truly an inspiration to me . So thank you so much .

Speaker 1 57:51

Thank you , carolyn . And that wraps it up , folks , for this week's episode of On the Spectrum with Sonia . Once again , carolyn Dreher here you can find her on Instagram on Carolyn underscore Jerry , you could find her , um , and when you go on her page , just be , uh , just be warned that you're going to be just filled with love and positivity on that page . Um , also , uh , please don't forget to like and subscribe to this podcast , leave a review and please tune in for more episodes . Thank you .