On the Spectrum with Sonia Krishna Chand

Navigating Holiday Dynamics with Autism

• Sonia Chand

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Navigating the holidays can be challenging, especially for those on the autism spectrum. Picture yourself at a festive family gathering, overwhelmed by the hustle and bustle, and struggling to interpret social cues. Through personal stories and therapist-tested strategies, I explore how to manage the emotional intricacies of holiday events—from overwhelming public displays of affection to the pitfalls of love bombing. My goal is to provide you with actionable advice to feel more connected and supported during this season of togetherness.

Romantic and social relationships pose their own set of challenges for individuals on the autism spectrum. Imagine watching others dive into the thrill of relationships while you remain on the sidelines. This episode breaks down the social hierarchy that often leaves autistic individuals marginalized, exploring how societal expectations can make one feel excluded. We’ll discuss how to recognize and avoid exploitative behaviors like love bombing, and why support from friends and family is crucial for navigating these tricky waters.

Embracing one’s individuality and building self-confidence is crucial for anyone feeling the weight of societal norms. Reject the labels that try to box you in as 'different' or 'weird,' and instead, celebrate your unique perspective. We'll explore empowering practices like positive self-talk and the transformative power of wearing confidence-boosting colors. As we express gratitude to our community and supporters, I encourage everyone to recognize the invaluable contributions of individuals on the autism spectrum. Let's advocate for a society that appreciates every puzzle piece, fostering compassion and inclusion for all.

Speaker 1:

Hello everyone and welcome to this episode of On the Spectrum with Sonia, a podcast where we discuss autism spectrum, mental health and anybody who's overcome any adversity and has an inspirational story to share, with the goal of leaving people feeling empowered, connected, full of hope and loved, especially in a world where society tries to make us feel disconnected. Our goal on the spectrum with Sonia is to help people feel connected. One of the things I am doing today is a solo episode. I'm going to be discussing the holidays and being on the autism spectrum and partly this episode. The goal is to educate and share insight of what it's like to be on the spectrum around the holidays, for sure, but also give some valuable tips and tricks on how to handle things that may come up. So the first thing I want to discuss is what do we typically tend to think about when we think about the holidays? What images come to your mind? What pops up for you? And most often well, I know, at least for me I tend to see families, friends, neighbors, perhaps people gathering around a table to get a meal, to eat a meal together. Families getting together to celebrate open gifts. Of people getting together to maybe perhaps do different you know, maybe there's different events going on. There are probably maybe even multiple gatherings that people go to in a day, depending on family structure and how families will structure the holidays and how much time they're going to spend perhaps in a place or two.

Speaker 1:

For people on the autism spectrum, that in and of itself and even people not on the spectrum to be fair as well many people may find that very overwhelming. But for people on the autism spectrum, there's another dynamic that tends to happen when the holidays come about, and a lot of times this happens because this is the time when people may, for the first time, bring their significant other to an event. This is the time where people see more couples and it's not like they don't see couples other times, but it's a little different when it's around the holidays, because of what holidays represent for people, right. So you know, during the holidays, when people get together, there's a lot of love, there's a lot of connection, there's a lot of support, there's a lot of just overall feelings of just happiness, togetherness, even if the relationships are not that, not the greatest, at least for that day, things can be put aside, right, and people can enjoy the moment. People can enjoy being together, people can enjoy each other's company and for somebody on the autism spectrum it's not atypical to see a profile, perhaps, of someone who perhaps never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, never had a significant other to bring home, let alone bring home for the holidays.

Speaker 1:

This also could be a time where a person may be reminded of certain shortcomings in their life, particularly as it comes to the social aspects of a person. So a lot of times people on the spectrum may not have had success in finding a person and if they did have anything that they thought was close to a relationship, unfortunately it was not for the best right In the sense of that person wasn't genuine at all to begin with, in the sense of that person wasn't genuine at all to begin with. So it's so easy to be reminded of that and one of the things that oftentimes you know people on the spectrum can be reminded of, especially when there's, when people are displaying PDA right, public displays of affection. Maybe you know you see couples holding hands, you may see them cuddling, you may see perhaps some kissing going on, things like that One of the things you know that also could be trigger some for someone on the spectrum who felt like they were going to get this finally with a person is, and it's, once again, not anyone's fault.

Speaker 1:

It's you know, and this is not to shame anybody, you know, not, this is not to shame couples, and I would just want to make this clear right now. This is not to shame anybody, not to shame couples, but this is a trigger, some moment, for somebody on the spectrum and a lot of times, unfortunately, people on the autism spectrum are set up for fake attention, right, fake attention by another person. Fake attention for you know, in the sense of you know, there might be an element where perhaps they get love bombed right away. Now, love bombing this is a term we often see when we describe somebody with narcissistic personality disorder, but basically the concept behind love bombing is that a person is made to feel very special right away. People are, you know, they're given compliments, they're made to feel like they are the one for a person.

Speaker 1:

And when you're on the spectrum and have never had a relationship before, and somebody comes along and you think, oh, this guy's kind of cute and he's giving me attention, and a lot of times, even though it's fake, right, people on the autism spectrum may not be quick to notice right what is genuine versus what is ingenuine. So, because of the social cues difficulty and the difficulty in picking up what to look out for in that matter, because of lack of experiences socially, and one of the things that unfortunately, people get wrapped up into is that okay. So somebody comes along, they're kind of cute, they're giving them attention, they're telling them I'm here for you, you know you can come to me, you know I'll be your person, you can confide in I will be, you know I'll be your everything. And unfortunately, what ends up happening is and this is one thing I've learned from a therapist that I saw back in college and and she said to me Sonia, fake people will only get away with it for so long before the mask falls off and before people figure them out. Right, and she was so spot on, um, on the money. We'll call her Dr Thoreau, very, very intelligent person. I saw her when I was an undergrad and she was my uh, she was an on-campus therapist, but amazing, amazing person, very intelligent, was a professor even at the university. So she, uh, she told me that and unfortunately she was right.

Speaker 1:

Okay, and what ends up happening is when that person stops giving you attention. It's kind of like when you dangle like a biscuit in front of a dog and the dog gets all excited and is ready to go for it and take a bite, and then you just automatically aggressively pull that biscuit away from the dog. Right, that's what exactly it feels like. When a person went that once love bomb, you takes that attention away from you and you're left, figuring you know, feeling like, oh my God, what, what's wrong with me, what, what happened? Because most often than not a person on the autism spectrum is told you're doing it wrong, maybe you did something. Oftentimes they're pointed out for what they don't do, right.

Speaker 1:

So that's an automatic thought, automatic negative thought that comes up for a person on the spectrum when they stop getting that kind of attention. And so then that person ends up feeling then oh my gosh, something's wrong with me, why am I getting rejected yet again? Why am I so worthless? Why am I not even valued enough? I mean, what's the point of me even sticking around here if this is all I'm going to keep feeling day in and day out? And so it's important to be mindful of when a person on the spectrum may be feeling a certain way at these events, not to say that people can't enjoy each other's company, and not to say people can't do what they want to do. Being mindful, you know. If a person on the autism spectrum may start to feel uncomfortable, you know being being empathic to it and holding a safe, allowing them a safe space to express themselves.

Speaker 1:

And if you are in a situation where you have found yourself, situation where you have found yourself or are finding yourself being love-bombed, okay, one of the tips and tricks I want to say is be careful in what you share and remember this the less is more right. So if somebody is being very, very kind to you right away, they want you to trust them. They perhaps tell you about how they're there for you and how they will be that person, your safe spot, that they will be that shoulder for you to lean on. If they're doing that really too soon, try not to take the bait quickly and I know it's easier said than done, especially if you've never been in a relationship and have never gotten positive male attention or if you've never gotten positive female attention. However you identify, right? I want to make this as inclusive as possible here, because it doesn't matter how you identify. People can be love bombed either way, right?

Speaker 1:

So if you've never, let's say like you've never had a boyfriend and you just kind of you know, and you never had male attention, and let's say that you've never had, um, just any kind of like social grounding, if you will, in the sense of like you had people that you could go through things with. Like, let's say, you have friends who are all dating and have had relationships, have been married, who are all dating and have had relationships, have been married. Some may have even gotten divorced. But if you've never even experienced that journey to begin with, it's like watching everybody else get on a roller coaster and go on the ride but you yet are left standing on the platform because there's no really car to pick you up, to take you on that ride, because there's no really car to pick you up to take you on that ride.

Speaker 1:

And a lot of times when people learn about relationships is through the socialization, and oftentimes people get perspective about relationships and what goes on by the way they communicate their relationships to others. And this is one thing I've noticed, especially among females. Right, with female to female friends, they learn a lot about relationships and how to go and navigate their relationships when they talk to other females. And it's not atypical for someone on the autism spectrum, um, atypical for someone on the autism spectrum to not have had that journey at all. Right To, you know, not learn about it at all, like so it's easier, you know the hence it's easier to get sucked into this fake attention. But the less is more. Try not to take the bait too quickly. Be mindful if these people are doing this right away, because oftentimes something is up when people are doing that, like the love bombing as a way that they can feel better about themselves, or they may do this for like control, so that they feel like they're in charge over your emotions, over your feelings.

Speaker 1:

No-transcript. And if your gut is telling you something, most often than not your gut is not lying to you. I like to use gut feelings, I like to think of them as God's intervention and God's way of communicating to you. I really believe that, and this is just for me personally. I understand not everybody may believe in God. So, whatever it is, if you believe in the universe or something else, right. So, but for me, I like to look at it as God's intervention, a God's way of saying hey, this is not right. I'm letting you know this now so you can take the heed warning I'm giving you so that you don't end up getting hurt.

Speaker 1:

And it's so easy when you're on the spectrum to kind of try to ignore it because you feel like, oh, my god, this is great, I'm finally getting what I want. I'm finally getting this attention, I'm finally getting things. You know that I've never had before and then. But but the way the universe works is that fake people get discovered. The fakeness doesn't last long because they eventually people who've love bombed you a lot of times. They find it easier, especially if you're on the autism spectrum, to dismiss you. I've had a therapist tell me we'll call him Dr Gray. He told me one time that it's easier for people on the autism spectrum to get dumped by someone because of their status on the social hierarchy. Most people on the autism spectrum. When you look at the social hierarchy pecking order, they're not high up, unfortunately. They are kept kind of where, on the level of you know what? You're not like us, you're othered, You're not welcomed here, you're not wanted here, so let's just push you out and if we need something from you, maybe we'll come around.

Speaker 1:

And don't be surprised too, to hear people on the autism spectrum talk about when people approach them. A lot of times they're looked at as buy and pay for type of people, right? So, for example, when people look at somebody on the autism spectrum, people may want to work with that person, but not everybody's doing it for the right reasons. Maybe people look at them as easy bait, oh, and especially if that person has the means financially, they may look at them and be like, oh well, let me see how I can get business from this person and how I can use this person for my financial gain and how I can use this person for my financial gain. But at the same time, maybe you know they won't deliver to you, or they may, you may not get the results that you're looking for. So this is also another thing that can come up as well, right, when people dealing people socially, right, all these feelings, all these disappointments, and then also when people try to, when you try, as a person on the spectrum, to discuss with people how you feel, whether it be you know, the friends that you do have or family members a lot of times and this is not then, once again, this is not to shame anybody or make anybody feel bad.

Speaker 1:

A lot of times people don't know how to handle it coming from the perspective of somebody on the autism spectrum, right? So a common thing that people may hear is, oh, you got to just love yourself more, or you know you'll find it, or you know they'll just kind of blow it off, kind of like, oh, it'll happen for you, you're going to find someone. But they just kind of do it in a way where it's kind of dismissing how a person's really feeling they're not going to seeing, going to where the pain is. Right. They're just kind of putting a bandaid over everything. It's kind of like giving somebody with appendicitis Tylenol to try to numb pain. That's not going to do the trick. Okay it's, you know so and it's not. But once again, they may be meaning well, they may be intending. You know they're doing what they know how to do with the tools they have.

Speaker 1:

Right, a lot of people unfortunately don't have the tools to go and understand the autistic experience. A lot of people don't have the understanding, a lot of people can't relate to it. And there is a phenomenon called, or a concept rather called, double empathy, right, where it's said that people on the autism spectrum may not always understand a neurotypical experience. Neurotypical is a word defined for people who don't have intellectual or cognitive impairment and development and development but but at the same token, neurotypicals here they don't necessarily understand the autism experience or perspective either, right Hence double empathy this is what they refer to as the double empathy and and, in all fairness, there are certain things that I may not even always understand either.

Speaker 1:

When people talk about their relationships sometimes, or when people talk about love and talk about the complicated feelings of when they're falling in love or falling out of love, when they talk about just complex emotions that come up, I mean I empathize with them right, and a lot of this thanks to my training as a therapist, I learned how to empathize with people but at the same time I can't fully relate to it in the sense of I've never understood. It's kind of like, for example, like listening to a love song. Right, you can enjoy it, you can enjoy the beats to it, you can enjoy the acoustics, all this other, you know all the other fun and jazz, and you can enjoy, you know the singer's voice and all that, but you may not be able to really fully relate to that song because you never had that experience. So so, going to understanding that piece, you know I mean, but as much as I may not fully be able to relate, I still will work on empathizing, meaning. I can try, you know, I could try to see it from your perspective and learn about your perspective in your world. And I feel, like people who are not on the autism spectrum, you know, it might be very beneficial if you can try to learn about it from their world, because a lot of people may not know what it's like to be single for how many years right on end.

Speaker 1:

A lot of people out there don't know how to be single, you know, unfortunately, you know. And there are people who struggle. And here's the thing, nobody's better than the other person, you know. Everybody's got their own unique challenges and their own unique ways. And there are people out there who but there are people on the autism spectrum. In all fairness I will say there are many who have found love. There are many people who even have kids, um but um. But there is also that segment of people with autism that never find love, that never, you know, stay single for years because they don't connect with anybody on a level that will truly understand them, things that people are told you know, and it's not uncommon for people on the spectrum to be called weird, to be told.

Speaker 1:

Why do you talk to this person, this person's weird right Told to others, right who may be seen socializing with the person on the spectrum not uncommon for people to be like? Why are you talking to this person Right, or people, to perhaps tell them you know all the deficiency and negativities about them? Okay, that's I mean. I know this is going to be extreme here, but if I had to bet money, I probably might be able to survive a crocodile infested lake better. I mean just as as much as being able to get through life without being lambasted by humans. Okay, able to get through life without being lambasted by humans. Okay, I mean, it's just. You know that people when, when they see was othered and they see you as different, it's not a good day, right? So all of these things you know and point in, sharing all these experiences and things is all of it can come out when people are faced in gatherings.

Speaker 1:

And another thing is, too family members may also start saying something to a person with autism like, oh, you know, it's kind of concerning you're not married or don't you want to get get married. Aren't you doing anything about it? Or what the hell is wrong with you, like, what's going on with you, like is something, is there a problem you have? Do you have a sexual dysfunction? Do you have um a? Do you have any differences we should know about?

Speaker 1:

Like you know, it's not uncommon for people to get asked these questions who are on the autism spectrum, especially when they come from cultures where it's all about being married and checking off boxes and everything, living on a timeline Okay. Truth of the matter is, when you are on the autism spectrum, boxes to check are not on the agenda. Okay, because they're not going to check the boxes on in the timeline. They're not. A lot of people are not, and one of the things to realize here is you know and it's not, and even though, yes, once again, family members do mean well, people on the autism spectrum also are feeling the hit 10 times harder in their own head and in their hearts and when they are asked questions and made to feel bad about not being able to live up because culture says that something will be that will be looked down on, because you're not with anybody or we're going to be judged because of you.

Speaker 1:

Truth is, the person who feels that the most is a person on the spectrum who already knows what it's like to not fit in, who already knows what it's like to be misunderstood by society, who's already known, time and time and time again, what it's like to be lambasted and harangued and just really, really just treated like dirt. They know it the best because they've lived it. And a lot of times it's not even just peers, it's not family members, it's also, sadly enough, people in the mental health profession that don't understand the spectrum or how people feel, and push too much for conformity, perhaps, or they push too much for a person on the autism spectrum to be quote, unquote, fixed, and once again, it's not all mental health professionals, it's just those that don't have the training for it. So it's important that we also, like when you make comments like that, if you do have somebody coming to your dinner table, you do have a person on the spectrum coming over. We'd be mindful of that too. Be mindful that they feel it more than anybody else can ever tell them. They'll feel it more. So, with all that being said, you know if you are in a situation and you are getting all these feelings brought up, and perhaps maybe you are sitting around a lot of couples, maybe they are talking to each other, maybe they are, you know, displaying PDA or whatever else.

Speaker 1:

One of the things to do, and one thing that would be really helpful before you even go to the gathering okay, stand in front of a mirror and I do this with my clients too, in sessions. I've done this before as well. Stand in front of a mirror and say all the good things about you. One thing I like to practice is saying I am awesome, I'm awesome, I'm pretty awesome, I'm a badass, I'm a boss bitch, I'm a therapist, I'm a friend, I'm a daughter, I'm a cousin, I'm a niece, right, all the things I am just reminding me of that, of who I am.

Speaker 1:

Another thing what is your favorite color? Because sometimes, when we wear our favorite color or our color of what we can equate with empowerment and wearing an outfit that makes you feel like you're sexy, confident, best, that also can uplift your vibrational energy, that you'll give off right. So you know, going in and making sure you have, you know, that outfit that screams I'm empowered. What is that color you associate with? Right. My favorite color is pink, and I will use pink and even red as my colors of empowerment. Look, remind yourself. In those moments, though, too, when you are amazing, the way you are.

Speaker 1:

Other people may have said stuff to you. They may have love bombed you. They may have told you you are no good. They may have laughed at you. They may have said you're not worthy. They may have said you're not worthy. They may have lambasted you and harangued you in ways that made you feel so small. But just remember this people who go around making other people feel small are small themselves. Nobody will put anybody down whom they think is better or who they think is less than them. Okay, if people see something about you that they think is better than what they are, or what if they think that you have things they don't have? This is where they go after. This is where they're going to go, right is? This is where they go for the jugular to try to bring you to their level, because they themselves feel small, and a lot of times they will cover this up and talk about how confident they are, and they may try to bring down your confidence or tell you you're not confident enough.

Speaker 1:

Don't have the need to always put somebody down or give backhanded compliments or lambaste or harangue somebody. Instead, they will lift other people up. A person with self-confidence, secondly, will not feel the need to rub it in your face about how confident they are and about how they are. You know the greatest gift to earth. You know they will not feel the need to do that because a person with confidence will give off that vibrational energy. They won't have to use their mouthpiece to try to persuade people who they are. A person who truly is good will come off. That vibrational energy will radiate. They will glow in a way. That's like okay, I'm happy with who I am, I'm at ease, and so just remember these things right.

Speaker 1:

When these moments come up, just remember that piece that it's not you that they're after. It's after just attacking their own demons. It's their own demons that they're wrestling with. That just happens to be taken out on you. That just happens to be taken out on you. And then also, when people ask you about dating, about marriage, about you know, when they make these comments like you know what's wrong with you? Don't you want to be married? What are you doing about it? Don't you want to be married. What are you doing about it? This would be the golden opportunity for you to share all the amazing things you are doing, whether it be you're working a great job, whether it be your hobbies that you have. Share about other things that you are.

Speaker 1:

Because truth is, even if you had somebody in your life, that person is not going to take away from who you already are. If anything, a person may add value to your life, right and compliment your life, but it's not, they're not going to define you. A person's not going to define who you are, so you. So, basically, you have that power to define you, to be who you are, to show people who you are, to describe the things you are doing. Instead, you know, and deflecting that conversation fit, by all means, send them my way, by all means, introduce me, make an introduction. Or you could even say well, when I find anybody and when things happen, you'll be the first to know. You know, and just leave it like that.

Speaker 1:

And if you are feeling bad about this after, if you are still feeling kind of bad about this after, you can always try to leave early after the meal is done, right? Maybe you could stay for a little bit, have some dessert, maybe have a coffee after, but then also, you can just find a way to leave or take breaks. You know, maybe go stand outside for air, just tell people you need some air, or go to the bathroom, things like that. Take those mini breaks for yourself, things like that, take those mini breaks for yourself. And, you know, just try to enjoy being in the moment as much as you can.

Speaker 1:

Right, because at the end of the day, I mean, it's about togetherness. You know, it's about the holiday season is about being together, right, it is about togetherness in different ways, right, and even though, yes, you may not have embarked on that journey like everybody else, and what togetherness may look like for you is going to be different than for other people, just try to embrace the moment that you do have, because life is tough, you know, at the end of the day, too, I mean, life is tough, it's full of challenges, but at the same time, it's also full of blessings as well, you know, so it's a mixture. You get the best of both worlds. But that's why life is life, right, because if life was just easy, there wouldn't be much meaning to it, and sometimes we go through hard things so that we can come out on the other side. We, we can appreciate things better. We go through things to make us stronger people, to make us better people, sometimes right. So at the end of the day, it's all up to how we respond as well to what's given to us right.

Speaker 1:

And for anyone who feels alone out there and othered, I really hope that this message could resonate with you. Anybody who's felt bullied, anybody who you know does suffer flashbacks from the bullying, I want to say that my heart does go out to you and for those of you and I'm just going to put this out there for those of you who are the bullies, for those of you who are the love bombers, for those of you who are the people who are just fake all along, I really hope that this message will somehow teach you some compassion and I know that might be a long shot for some people, because some people may never change Okay, and some people will be just stuck in how they are. But I really hope you know, through the grace of God here, that this message will teach you something, something about compassion, something about understanding another person, understanding how your interactions affect people, because not everything is about you, because the world doesn't revolve around one person, it doesn't revolve around you. You know what it revolves around the greater good here. And the thing is, if you are one of those people that is bringing people down, I really hope you have this moment in your life where you get an awakening. I'm not going to wish bad on you because I was raised better than that. I'm gonna. If anything, I'm just going to pray for you, pray for your happiness, pray for your healing. That's what I'm going to do instead and that's how I'll focus my energy. But for anybody who's out there who feels other, I just want you to know you're not alone, you are wanted, you are valued.

Speaker 1:

The way I look at it is I see autism as a puzzle piece. Autism Speaks uses the puzzle piece as their logo. I look at it as being the puzzle. If anybody who's ever done a jigsaw puzzle will know that there's always that one puzzle piece that doesn't quite fit in with all the rest of the puzzle. However, without that puzzle piece, the puzzle would not be complete.

Speaker 1:

The way I look at it is people on the autism spectrum are needed in this society and, yes, maybe they don't live up to standards. Maybe they to the standards that society is set up for them, or maybe they may experience life or interpret things differently, but that doesn't mean that they're any less valuable to what they can provide our society. You are wanted. You are loved. God bless you. I am thankful. If anything, I learned to be thankful and I even thank God that I have autism. I really do.

Speaker 1:

I actually as crazy as that sounds, I would not want to be a person without autism.

Speaker 1:

Now that I think of it, I don't even know how I would do that, but what that life would look like.

Speaker 1:

But I'm glad I have what I have, because this is what allows me to share my message with others.

Speaker 1:

It's because of my autism I'm able to actually give this inspiration and hope and give these tips and tricks to people in a different way.

Speaker 1:

And you know and I want to just also reach out to you know, just say to all the people who are parents of children on the autism spectrum as well I just want to also just want to say that I do see you, I do value you, because it's so easy to overlook what parents go through, even though I myself am not a parent, but I was raised by parents, of course, but I also saw what my mom and dad did and how hard they had to work to get me to be who I am.

Speaker 1:

And I just want to say that I do recognize and value parents of those who are on the autism spectrum, because I don't think they're often given enough credit or recognition or value or support. So I also want to just say that I noticed you, I do see you and I'm cheering for you and with that in mind, I just want to wish everybody for a happy Thanksgiving. You know I'm grateful for everybody who's come on my show thus far all my listeners, the subscribers, all people who wrote reviews, and thank you for tuning into this episode and stay tuned for further episodes. Please like, subscribe, leave reviews, tell your family members, tell your friends to subscribe to. On the Spectrum with Sonia, available on all audio platforms, including Apple and Spotify, and I'm looking forward to talking with you all again soon. Take care.