On the Spectrum with Sonia Krishna Chand

Brittney's Journey to Becoming a Successful Creative Entrepreneur Alongside Navigating Trauma and a Bipolar Diagnosis

• Sonia Chand • Season 1 • Episode 27

Share episode

Send us a text

 Join us as we sit down with Brittney  Benavides-Smith, a devoted music teacher from Georgetown, Texas. Britteny bravely shares her inspirational story of navigating the complexities of living with bipolar disorder, being faced with traumatic loss at a young age of both of her parents, overcoming a toxic first marriage, and tackling binge eating. 

Brittney today is a thriving individual who uses her passion for music to become a successful creative entrepreneur and talented player for piano, guitar, and ukulele. Brittney  also uses music as her way to release emotions continue with her own personal growth and healing. After all, music is medicine for the soul!!

Speaker 1:

Hi everyone and welcome to today's episode of On the Spectrum with Sonia. Today we have a very special guest with us, brittany Benavides-Smith, and she is here to discuss about her journey with bipolar disorder, also share some of the challenges she's faced in her life. So if anybody is not in a safe place to hear this, please I would actually recommend that you maybe put a pause on listening to this episode, because there are some trigger warnings here, because she will be talking about abusive relationships. She will be talking about binge eating, and this is a podcast where we come together to discuss autism spectrum, mental health and anybody who's overcome any obstacle or any challenge in their life and is here to lead people feeling connected, hopeful and full of love, especially in a world that tries to disconnect us. In a world that tries to disconnect us, brittany is the ideal guest for this podcast because she fits all of the objectives of On the Spectrum with Sonia.

Speaker 1:

I met Brittany at the Say it Out Loud group that is run by Vasavi Kumar and in the time that I've gotten to know Brittany, she embodies not only a person who has a very powerful and compelling story to tell, but also somebody who also shows love, compassion, loyalty, faith, dedication and ambition, particularly to things like her coaching, and especially when it comes to the piano. She does teach music. She's a very good teacher, and I've seen clips of how students have come to her and have already been mastering amazing pieces, pieces. I only dream that I wish I could play on the piano, but who knows? I mean, I know a great teacher now, so and and there's a piano at my parents' place. So now that I know that I can connect the two and 2025 is a year I've been thinking about getting more into my creative side. Possibilities are endless. So, without further ado, let's please welcome Brittany. Thank you so much for being here.

Speaker 2:

Hi Sonia, Thanks so much for inviting me. I'm so glad that we could have this conversation today.

Speaker 1:

Thank you. I am so honored that you're here, and I want to thank you for agreeing and giving us your time. And so, brittany, why don't you introduce yourself a little bit? Tell us about you. Tell us about just you know what?

Speaker 2:

makes Brittany Brittany Sure. So my name is Brittany Benavidez Smith. I reside in Georgetown, texas, which is near Austin, and I am a music teacher. I have been teaching kids in piano, ukulele and guitar for the past 16 years and it is my pure joy and passion. Nothing gives me more joy than seeing a kid go from knowing absolutely nothing on an instrument to being able to perform it masterfully at recitals and performances. I had one student this semester who wrote her own song and submitted it to her middle school competition and it won an award. So she's now an award-winning composer after studying in our classes together. Outside of music, I am a dog mom, so I have two pit bulls, one who is a puppy and is currently destroying every bit of my house, and then my older girl, who's been with us since she's nine years old, and I live with my husband and my two dogs and yeah, Well, thank you for sharing that piece about you.

Speaker 1:

I had no idea that you do also ukulele and guitar as well. I had no idea I must have seen you do piano and talk about piano, but I know it's my passion because I started that when I was six, so it's been like my whole life's journey.

Speaker 2:

Guitar and ukulele I'm self-taught more in like my late adult, like young adult years, but piano is definitely my passion.

Speaker 1:

Oh, you know, the piano is a beautiful instrument. I remember when I used to play I take lessons when I was younger. There was a time, because I was acting too silly, that the teacher told my parents that he needed to take a. We needed to take a pause and wait till I could grow up a little. And I remember this piano teacher that used to come to my parents house and the house I grew up in really they, you know he used to teach me by ear. I never really learned how to play music but he used to just demonstrate and I used to just pick up from my hearing.

Speaker 1:

But later I had to start learning how to read music because when I joined the school band um, starting in fifth grade, and I played the flute for about a couple of years, I remember we had to learn how to play like bass and treble clef. We had to learn all the notes you know and how to you know about half notes and all this other, all the other fun jazz if you will. And then I tried picking up piano again when I was in law school, at this music school that I went to to take voice and piano and as a hobby because I needed something outside of law school because I hated it too much, so I needed something outside of it. And I remember just it was hard, it was hard. I just remember the whole for bass and treble clef. I remember just every good boy deserves fudge.

Speaker 2:

And then there, you go, you got it.

Speaker 1:

That's all you need I. Then I forgot and I remember it was like f-a-c-e for the other four keys or whatever, and then it was like all cows eat grass was the other hand, left hand, and I say look, you are already 10 steps ahead.

Speaker 2:

You know those.

Speaker 1:

You are on your way to learning piano okay, brittany, not that you're just trying to push me into getting back into piano playing. Okay, I see what you're doing, but yeah, but tell us how you got started with music and tell us a little bit about your journey, as I understand that you, too, have had a very powerful story in with mental health as well.

Speaker 2:

So my mom put me in piano lessons when I was six years old and I took for about two or three years. But when I was nine my parents passed away in a tragic accident and piano lessons were not continued for me after that. There was always a piano in the house. I was raised by aunts and uncles and so we had pianos, but I just I didn't continue lessons. It wasn't until middle school that I was.

Speaker 2:

I had joined the choir and I got an interest for relearning piano and I think I took from like somebody that lived nearby for a year or so. And then, when I got into high school, my choir director saw potential in me and encouraged me to learn piano to basically accompany the choir. And so I kind of taught myself okay, I need to know the basic notes so I can play with the choir. And so I kind of taught myself okay, I need to know the basic notes so I can play with the choir. And by my senior year my choir teacher was like okay, at this point I think you can like pursue music in college. And that was like beyond my furthest imagination. I never thought that I would pursue any like music in college. That just was so far fetched I was like no, I have to, I'm going to do nursing or I'm going to do something in business. Like I was very driven into how I can make a career. It never occurred to me that music could be a career. So I went into college as a nursing major. My dad was a nurse when I was growing up and that was just kind of in my mind like okay, I'm just going to fulfill you know dad's purpose and I'll just be a nurse. But after my first semester of chemistry I was like, nope, this is not for me. So I auditioned to get into the music school and given that I didn't have the classical training and that everybody else had had growing up, I didn't get in. They said, okay, we'll let you in as a music minor, but take some private lessons for a semester and then audition again. So I did that and I loved the private lessons at the collegiate level. Like it was so intense but so much fun. I was learning repertoire that I had only dreamed of learning. That was super fun and empowering for me as a musician to see that if I practice I can learn anything I put my mind to. So I got in the next semester as a music major with a focus in music education, and that was my sophomore year.

Speaker 2:

At the end of my sophomore year things seemed to feel a little funny for me. I was not really eating, I became obsessed with working out, I was not really sleeping and all of this at the time seemed like normal, maybe college behavior, for, like finals, right During finals, we're studying, we're not sleeping, we're not eating. So didn't really think anything of it until I got to the point where I was feeling this super weird paranoia, like I believed that the government was out to get me. I was about to break my phone in half because I felt like I was being tracked, like that really weird behavior, and my family and friends started noticing like okay, something's not right with Brittany, like this doesn't feel normal.

Speaker 2:

So after the end of my sophomore year I was checked into a mental health hospital here in Austin and immediately the doctors were like oh, that's bipolar. Like I couldn't have seen it because no one in my life had ever talked about bipolar. I only knew it as bipolar weather. You know when we say oh, the weather is so bipolar, I never knew it as a diagnosis. So that's how I came upon that. It was kind of as a result of the end of my college, like I was super focusing on music, not sleeping, not eating, and then all these weird thoughts came in, led to a diagnosis, and now the whole trajectory of my life changed at that point.

Speaker 1:

So, brittany, when you were growing up though when you look back, before you got this diagnosis of bipolar were there, and I do want to say, at this time as well, my condolences to hear about your parents. I know that that must have been a very challenging and very difficult and traumatic thing for a person, especially your age at that time being six correct.

Speaker 1:

I was nine, yeah, you were nine, nine, nine to have to go through losing not only one but both parents simultaneously. And you know, and quite you know. Naturally I'm pretty sure that the grief had strict, you know, had kicked in for you, and the sadness of missing your parents also had kicked in for you. But was there other times too that you've you know, anything else that also stood out to you?

Speaker 2:

Um. So I would have kind of like some anger periods, but it was never anything out of pattern that maybe a teenager might feel Right, so it wasn't. There was no like signs leading up to it to be like oh yeah, we absolutely know, Brittany had bipolar, you know, in middle school or in high school. It really wasn't until that one manic episode where life just fell apart. So like anything leading up to it, like the moodiness up and down, could have just been attributed to that's a teenager or that's just grief. I saw a therapist when I was really right after my parents died. I was putting some kind of like child therapy, um, but I didn't. I didn't see a therapist or have any kind of mental health clinician until I was diagnosed at 19.

Speaker 1:

So nobody really saw anything so you never had any help. You know, growing up until you were 19, um, were you ever given like a safe space to process, though, you know, like talking about your parents? You know, when you were growing up, you know, I know you said you lived with aunts and uncles and what was it like to, you know, to? Did they ever give you any kind of like consoling, or did they ever allow you that space to talk about your parents, or was it kind of a thing that people just kind of acknowledged yet they didn't get into?

Speaker 2:

it kind of the latter. It was mostly something they acknowledged but it was never really talked about in the household, um, so the place that I did get kind of a safe space to talk about it was at church. So growing up I went to a private Christian school that was also a Baptist church and I became very vocal about my life very young. So at 12 years old I was given giving the testimony of my life and like how God had saved me and despite everything else that I had gone through that, like I was going to be okay and made it through and looking back on that, I'm not sure that was the best way to go about it, but I do think I received some healing through that and just having a safe space to share my story and people to hear that. I think now if I listen to a 12-year-old talk about publicly how her parents died, like as an adult, like that, I don't know that just drives me the wrong way, but I don't know that's what my church encouraged me to do. So here we are.

Speaker 1:

And when you look back at those times, what do you make of it? You know the fact that you were giving such a testimony at that age.

Speaker 2:

I mean, I think that you know, people say that kids that have gone through trauma are kind of forced to grow up, forced to grow up faster, and I think that's kind of just what happened, like I was kind of thrown into adulthood. I was already the oldest daughter, so I have like that you know elder sibling thing where, like you want to be the best or the favorite or you know high achiever, all those things that get kind of put on older children. Um, so I think I was just forced to grow up fast.

Speaker 1:

And um, so you get diagnosed. So you get diagnosed in in college, your sophomore year, and you said that that changed the trajectory of your life. In what way do you feel your life changed post-diagnosis?

Speaker 2:

So the most obvious way is I didn't finish school where I started, so I had received a full tuition scholarship to the University of Nebraska and that's where I was for my freshman and sophomore year and if I had not been diagnosed with bipolar, I would have stayed there, graduated in four years and I probably would be teaching in a school right now Because of my diagnosis. It took me 15 years to get my bachelor's and I attended five different colleges and it was just kind of playing the runaround game and I've never really stopped to think what would have happened if I had just graduated in four years and taught elementary school. Like you know, I'm very thankful for where I'm at now, but it's definitely been a journey and I kind of almost feel embarrassed saying, oh yeah, it took me 15 years to get my bachelor's. Like that I feel like I'm belittling myself. But it was a long journey and I was very proud of it. When I walked the stage, it was during COVID. It was 2021. We're all wearing masks outside in a football field and you know.

Speaker 1:

I got my diploma and I was so proud of that. And you know, I'll tell you this, brittany, you know there are a lot of people who don't have a bachelor's degree. I actually heard somewhere that if you get a bachelor's degree you're already, you know, in the certain percentage group of people. And you know that was very eye opening for me, because you know, I think it's hard for us to see the bigger picture in that sense of you know, because you know how. I guess I know for me at least speaking for myself you know, as I was growing up it was already kind of assumed OK, once you get out of high school you're going to go to college. I grew up in an area where there was like a 98, 99 percent college acceptance rate and it was just like I. It was never even thought of To not ever go to college after high school. It was never like. That was just not in my purview at all.

Speaker 1:

And you know, it seems to me that you know you also kind of had that too. Correct me if I'm wrong from what I'm hearing in you being that overachiever at a young age. You know a lot, a lot driven through trauma, right, because it was like, and I do definitely agree that trauma makes you grow up in many ways faster than other people and that you know you have. You learn to take the you. You learn to kind of always be driving the bus and that's in some way right. Whether you're exhausted, sick, scared, whatever it may be, you're always learning to drive the bus and it seems like you know. For you it was the same thing, that it was like this is what's going to happen, there's nothing else. You know. For you it was the same thing, that it was like this is what's going to happen, there's nothing else in the purview.

Speaker 2:

Oh yeah, it was no question that I was going to go to college, like like that was in the cards, for I mean, it was the same way for everyone in my family, like most of my parents and aunts and uncles, they all have a degree.

Speaker 1:

So it was like, oh yeah, that's just what you do. You graduate high school, you go to college. You grow up like no question, right, right. And so when you um so post-diagnosis you said that you've gone to different colleges, what was the hardest part about going back to school post-diagnosis?

Speaker 2:

So at first it was the fact that the medications that I was being given to help stabilize me were putting me to sleep, so I literally was not able to stay awake in my classes. This is when I was going. Everything was in person. It was before they offered a lot of virtual classes, so it was all in person 8am, 9am classes. I am falling asleep. I can't stay awake. My friend used to like elbow me and, like Brittany, wake up and just adjusting to life on medication and all the side effects that come with it, knowing that I had to get a certain amount of sleep. So I couldn't be like my friends who are cramming, study until 3am because I have a 10 o'clock bedtime if I want to make sure that I stay mentally stable. So I couldn't participate in the college party life. I couldn't do all the things everybody else was doing because my mental health had to come first. If I didn't have that, you know where I needed to be the rest of my life wouldn't go on as planned.

Speaker 1:

Right, and so it was the medication that you know it was kept kept making you sleepy during the day so there was a lot of I take it. You know it was kept kept making you sleepy during the day so there was a lot of I take it. You had to go and get constantly.

Speaker 2:

They go back to the doctor to get readjusted or changed with medicine At one point I was, my uncle decided it was the best thing for me was to go to this 30 day treatment facility in Tennessee. I think it was in Knoxville, tennessee, and I laugh because that's also where I think Selena Gomez went, or somebody. Somebody else famous went to the same treatment center after I did, not at the same time, but I'm like okay, I'm famous Now I went to a treatment center that a celebrity did, and so I remember he pulled me out of school. I had just started school at East Texas Baptist University for one week. I told my uncle that I was having problems and he goes okay, I found you, this treatment center in Tennessee, we're going to take you there. I was like, okay, at that point I didn't know I had an option to say no or that I had any choice in the matter, so I just went along with it, and that disrupted school for another year before I went back.

Speaker 1:

And what was it like to be in that treatment facility?

Speaker 2:

It was awful On day one of equine therapy I got stepped on by a horse, so that was awful. It was very secluded. It was very, very like I think there was maybe less than 20 people at the facility at a time, as far as, like patients, you didn't have your phone, you didn't have kind of access to anything outside the center. Um, they did have things set up. Like you know, you had a live-in chef that would make your meals or you know you had a very strict schedule throughout the day that included, you know, one-on-one therapy, group therapy, meditation, yoga. So they were trying to make it the best they could to rehabilitate. But in those kind of centers it never really repeats what real life is going to be like. So, though you may see success in the treatment center, when you return back to real life, you don't have a schedule of yoga, meditation, like CBT, dbt, like you don't have that. So it's hard to actually feel like you've gotten better once you leave.

Speaker 1:

Well, that's kind of the risk people take by going to these kinds of centers, I feel, because a lot of times they focus, you know, on one aspect of life but that they don't take into consideration the holistic approach. Because once people leave that kind of environment and are put back in the real world, first and foremost there's the adjustment period too, that, okay, you know, I'm kind of out of this confinement Now, I'm living back in normal life. How do I go about this, now that I'm free for all practical purposes? And then, number two, it's like okay, now, where you know, how can I practice the tools Right?

Speaker 1:

And that's why you know, a lot of times you hear about many like high end rehab facilities, for example, having high recidivism rates of people relapsing, because they only focus on one aspect, you know, and it's not only you know about. Like, for example, when you're working with people who have addiction, it's not just working about sobriety, sobriety, sobriety. All the time you have to also focus on other things, like what in their life caused them right, drove them to addiction, what you know, what is the underlying trauma they've had in their life. You know, a lot of times with addiction it's a comorbid, like a duality of the diagnosis, rather because they have the addiction, which is like the layer of the cake right, the icing on the cake is the addiction, but when you cut the cake and look at the sponge parts of the cake, that's where you find you know there's like trauma, there's mental illness, there's other factors that need to be looked into and treated, and so you know you hear a lot of this with you know these kinds of you know treatments.

Speaker 2:

And that was true for me too. So something that I deal with along with mental health is kind of like disordered eating. So when I got released out of that rehab center in Tennessee, I was not set up with proper living situation. So I was put in a house where I had one room, but sharing the house was also like an older man in his eighties and his caretaker and her daughter and I became very, um, kind of suicidal.

Speaker 2:

I would have thoughts about like I couldn't be in the kitchen cause there were knives and I didn't want to put myself in a place where I could potentially hurt myself, like those kinds of thoughts, and so for that reason I refused to go in the kitchen. So for an entire year I ate out for three meals a day because I refused to go in the kitchen. So for an entire year I ate out for three meals a day because I was scared to be in my kitchen. So I wasn't placed in a living situation that was conducive to healing of my mental health and then developed this eating situation that was not healthy and I've been dealing with that since 2009. To present day, where I still have, I feel, unhealthy eating habits and relationship with food that I'm not happy with.

Speaker 1:

And so that brings us into that topic of binge eating, which I know that you've shared in the Say it Out Loud group as well, that that's something you've struggled with and I have struggled with that in my life as well. So can you tell me a little bit about what it was like for you?

Speaker 2:

So mostly it's just not feeling like I have control over my cravings.

Speaker 2:

So I tend to get in a habit where I'm really busy and I have a really packed day and the last thing on my mind is eating. So by the time I think about eating, I'm starving and I may have only one thing on my mind, and that thing may be Panda Express. So I'm going to go to a Panda Express, fill an entire to-go plate full of food and shovel it down my throat because all I can think about is how hungry I am and that I haven't eaten in eight hours. And then at the end of it I'm sitting there feeling sick. I haven't eaten in eight hours, and then at the end of it I'm sitting there feeling sick, unsatisfied having eaten food that's not the best for me, and then mad at myself because I did all that. And so it's like all these negative feelings go into just eating food you know and people have talked about. Maybe we shouldn't assign, you know, good food and bad food, but I go way the opposite and punish myself for simply eating.

Speaker 1:

When did you notice this start to take place with the binge eating?

Speaker 2:

I feel like it's been something that's kind of been creeping around my life like my whole adulthood. You know, when I was first diagnosed with bipolar, some of the medications that they they gave me induced extreme weight gain. So, for example, I gained 50 pounds within about 18 months of my diagnosis, and the hospital that I was in after I was diagnosed was in Nebraska and they literally are feeding you corn and potatoes and just all this stuff that is not healthy and so that, given on top of the medications making me want to eat more, I feel like it started probably around the same time of my diagnosis.

Speaker 1:

And what is it that you were looking for? Because a lot of times when people are craving, there's usually something in it that they're seeking right. And I know for me, when I used to binge eat, my binge eating started when I was in New York City, more so, and I mean I did a little bit of this in law school, but it really took off in New York City and it was for me. I used to go to an Indian restaurant every weekend that it was the same restaurant that I used to frequent. It was on the upper West side, and I would get a whole I don't know if you're familiar with Indian food or not A little bit Okay. So I would get um non, which is the bread. I would get um paneer tikka, which is basically cheese in a like a tomato ish kind of sauce, but they used they used to make it a little bit healthier because they used to say they were not using cream in it and they were putting yogurt in it instead, but it was delicious Nonetheless. I used. Obviously, it came with rice, and then I used to order some yogurt, because, you know, indians like to eat their food with yogurt. Um, then, if that wasn't enough, then I'd have like glasses of wine with my dinner and then I would go and get frozen yogurt, because it was a frozen yogurt shop two doors down, and then I would walk all the way back to my apartment.

Speaker 1:

But here's the thing I was damaging my body so much and for me, the reason I kept craving and doing what I was doing is because I was not living a life that was in alignment with my values.

Speaker 1:

Right, I was working in a legal field which I hated every minute of waking up to, and it was a lot of resistance and pressure for me to stay in that field. Even I mean not necessarily that I stay in New York, you know, because you know my parents would have jumped on every opportunity to get me back in Chicago sooner than the five years that I lived in New York, but still it was like every opportunity to get me back. I mean to stay in the legal field because of prestige, because of the title, when truth of the matter is it was not happy and I'll tell you, I started getting chest pain eventually from it because I was binging too much. I knew I had to make changes and things like that, and then it took a lot. But I eventually and I write about this in my upcoming book as well that I had to find it within me to be courageous enough to jump ship and say I'm not doing this anymore.

Speaker 2:

So for me, I think it's seeking happiness. So I think I do have a lot of good memories around food as a kid, like I remember. We had a live in nanny growing up and she would make us these homemade cheeseburgers that were like the bomb. She would make us these homemade cheeseburgers that were like the bomb. I looked forward to these cheeseburgers when she would make them. And even in middle school when I was living with my aunt and uncle, like we'd go to Sonic or we'd go to McDonald's we'd get a cheeseburger and I would just be so happy about it.

Speaker 2:

So I have a slight addiction to cheeseburgers. I blame childhood, but like, even like when I get together with friends if we're eating out or even if we're eating in, I have a lot of happy memories associated with food. So I think part of the time when I am binging, when I'm eating by myself because usually I only binge eat if I'm eating by myself then that's something that I've kind of correlated like. That's interesting to note. I only overeat when I'm by myself and I think it's trying to fulfill that need for happiness somehow, like the food tastes good or the food will make me feel good until I eat so much that it doesn't, or you know things like that.

Speaker 1:

And I know, like you know, you've been talking a lot about things you've been doing for yourself in order to help yourself with the, with breaking some of these patterns. So what have you been noticing is working for you thus far and trying to break these patterns and like what is something that you've discovered within you that brings you happiness and also helps you cope with these feelings in a healthier way for you.

Speaker 2:

So one thing that I finally did is I have never sought out any kind of professional help when it comes to eating. Like I may have worked with like, like fitness coaches who are like, oh yeah, I also do nutritional coaching, coaching but they're not really dietitians or they're not really nutritionists, they just kind of have studied it for themselves. But Vasavi actually suggested that I look into a dietitian and I was like, oh yeah, dietitians covered by my insurance, this sounds like a great option. So I had my first meeting with my dietitian last week and she goes okay, before I give you a meal plan, before we talk about any of your goals for the first week, all I want you to do is take a picture of everything you eat. That's it. Like I used to log on my fitness pal where you have to log in the calories and you have to log in. You know all that, but none of that. She just said make it simple, take a picture of your food, put it in the app and you know, in a week we'll talk about it. Seemed easy to me.

Speaker 2:

After three days of that I was like overanalyzed.

Speaker 2:

I was like I don't want to eat that cookie because I have to take a picture of it I don't want to because I have to get a picture of it and it was just like I overthought, maybe in a good way. I was becoming more aware that like, oh, maybe I snack more than I thought I did, or maybe my portions are bigger than I thought I did, because I was forced to keep myself accountable by simply taking a photo. And it's actually it's been working really well for me. I'm almost at the end of that first week and so I'm interested to see what the dietitian has to say. But I'm very proud of myself for finally reaching out to someone who knows more than I do, because, yes, I can say I can research things I've logged on MyFitnessPal before, can say I can research things I've logged on my fitness pal before. But having that accountability of someone who has studied and knows that area better than I do, I'm really looking forward to continuing working with her and addressing. You know what I'm going through.

Speaker 1:

Well, I want to commend you for taking the action towards your betterment and towards you feeling better about who you are and showing yourself that love and compassion that you deserve, because you give love and compassion to everyone else so freely, and I want you to know that you deserve to have all that love and compassion for yourself too.

Speaker 2:

Thank you.

Speaker 1:

No worries. And speaking of love and compassion, now I know you've also been through. You know as much as you've had happy memories being with your friends and being with family and having you know having relationships with others, family and having you know having relationships with others. You also had some challenging moments, especially when it came into romantic department in terms of relationships, and from my understanding you had mentioned that you were in a toxic relationship. Can you tell us a little bit about that experience and what that was like for you?

Speaker 2:

Sure, so I've been a serial monogamous since I was 13.

Speaker 2:

I had my first boyfriend at 13. We dated for three years. When we broke up I found another boyfriend in a span of two weeks. Then I dated that guy for three years and I was telling someone I don't think I've been single more than a year straight in my entire life. I've just always been with someone. That said, I grew up in the church, where you're supposed to grow up, get married, have kids. So that influence was also on my mind that I needed to get married right away, find a good guy, have kids and that's my life.

Speaker 2:

So around 23, at this point I was not in school. It was one of the times that I was in between colleges, my girlfriend and I. I had just gotten my first house on my own at 23. I had my high school friend move in and we were going clubbing or out to shoot pool like every Friday night and at one of the pool halls here in town I was just kind of meeting guys. They would either come up to us or we would go up to them and this one guy like gave me his number and was like basically call me for a good time kind of situation and I didn't really think of it, didn't do anything. But then a month later I returned and ran into him again. I'm like, oh, maybe this means something. So we went out on a date and he was kind of a funny guy but he was in a situation where, like, he couldn't afford to pay rent where he was living. So he ended up moving in with me.

Speaker 2:

Within about a month of us knowing each other, I just got in my new house and I was like, oh, look, I have all these rooms, why don't somebody move in with me? I just got in my new house and I was like, oh, look, I have all these rooms, why don't somebody move in with me? So a guy that I had just moved, it just met, moved in with me. Um, I think all he brought was like a TV and his clothes, and I'm like that should have been sign number one All he owns is a TV and his clothes. But anyways, um we, we had seemingly good times. Um, we, we had seemingly good times. Um, and I knew I wanted to get married and I was like, well, I'm dating this guy, he's not the worst, so why don't I just marry this guy? And I was about to receive a lump sum of money from um, my parents distribution after they passed and I was like, oh great, now I have money to have a wedding. So I honestly think the only reason that I decided to get married the first time to this particular gentleman was because I had money and I was going to receive money to have a wedding, and so we got married within a year of knowing each other.

Speaker 2:

At that point my girlfriend moved out, so it was just the guy and I, and he started getting really angry with me and I got off my bipolar medication because I wanted to have a kid. Remember, my idea was get married, have a kid, so I thought it'd be the smart thing. I probably shouldn't be on bipolar meds while I have a baby, so let me get off of them. Wrong step, number 10. So I was more irritable, he was more irritable.

Speaker 2:

There got to a point where we were violent towards each other. I had to replace two doors in the house because they were broken because of our fights and it was not a good situation. The way that that relationship ended was actually through a manic episode, and I have never been more thankful for a manic episode, I think my ex-husband finally realized I didn't sign up to go to the bar, meet this bipolar chick and, you know, deal with all her crazy shit. Um, so I'm out. So when I got checked into a hospital for that manic episode in 2014, when I came out of the hospital, he had moved out of the house with his TV and his clothes. So that's how that went.

Speaker 1:

And during that manic episode that you had at the time, what had happened that got you checked in?

Speaker 2:

I was having kind of that paranoia thoughts. I had called 911, or I asked my ex-husband to call 911 for me but he wouldn't. So I called myself and said that my ex was trying to poison me in the coffee that I was drinking, which that probably wasn't true. But, like I said, I was paranoid and just very irritable. Not sleeping again, not eating. So the same similar behaviors that got me diagnosed the first time were happening again.

Speaker 1:

That must have been very tough, though to deal with. You know. Of all that. You know you had, you know, a lot of well, first and foremost, you know the chemical imbalances going on that you know were beyond your control, without the help of medication. Then to be off medication, you know, and trying to live up to this expectation that you're supposed to have gotten married and have kids right, a value that was instilled in you, not even just you.

Speaker 1:

I think women in general get this, no matter what you know, and I think this gets it cuts across all bounds here, in the sense of it doesn't matter what race you are, what religion you are, what cultural, ethnic background you come from. I think women all over have this thing pushed on them that, okay, you grow up, you're going to meet someone, you're going to get married and then you're going to bear children and you're going to have a family and you're going to be married, and then you're going to bear children and you're going to have a family and you're going to be a wife and a mother and all the jazz that comes along with all that stuff. But, um, and you know what. But the thing is it's so hard to fill that you know, and especially in the timeline that people expect to be fulfilled and now I'm a very happy childless dog mom.

Speaker 1:

Believe me, I'm a happy, I'm a childless dog mom too. So we got that in common. Yep, yep. You know I know for and I don't know how it is for you, but like I know for me, you know it's been tough because you know, being somebody who I am and I'm going to say this you know and this is my first time being vulnerable about this, really to the core of it you know I'm the first in my whole family, on both sides my mom and dad's side to never have had a boyfriend or be single at my age.

Speaker 1:

I'm a 42 year old girl and I mean I also have autism. So you know, I know that obviously that plays a role in you know, the way I communicate or meet with people or things. But everybody else on both sides of the family you know that I've seen have at least experienced relationships. A lot of people are married and a lot of people have families of their own. But I'm like one of those people. You know that I'm like the. I'm like kind of like the black sheep in the family in that sense, because I don't, I didn't live like my cousins did and I would not, you know. And I know my parents. I don't know why they were so hell bent on pressing that issue of Indians marrying Indians, and I would not, you know, and I know my parents. I don't know why they were so hell bent on pressing that issue of Indians marrying Indians and I, honestly, am a firm believer. I would know.

Speaker 1:

I've already seen what that culture has done to someone like me who's on the autism spectrum and doesn't fit the box. And I'm not saying all Indians. I want to make this very clear. I'm not trying to be prejudice or anything like that. Well, I'm Indian myself, right, but I'm not all Indians. I think there are people who are trying to make a change and being like we got to cut some of this BS that this culture perpetuates. I do believe there are people out there doing that now, but I mean, this is how for me, and sometimes it you know some. Sometimes it gets hard though too, you know, and it's. I don't know if this happens to you, but do you ever have people be like giving you like derogatory comments because of being bipolar, giving you like kind of like, oh, that's gross or oh that's you know? Have you ever heard anything like that from people before?

Speaker 2:

Not in the recent past, but I will say I am very hesitant to announce that I deal with bipolar to my business.

Speaker 2:

Like so I teach kids right and I had a kind of first iteration of my music studio and remember I said I had that manic episode in 2014 where my ex-husband left me.

Speaker 2:

I was teaching about 15 kids at that time and through the manic episode I destroyed all the relationships with my students and had to completely start over because of the things I may have said or done in a manic episode. So I'm very hesitant and I haven't really told anyone that I currently teach, that I deal with bipolar disorder, because I'm afraid that either my students will leave me or the parents won't trust me, which there's no founding reason for them to feel that way. Like I'm a very in control, self-aware teacher. I have had an episode in the very recent past and I dealt with it in a proper way took time off, work and come back when I was ready. But, like, even on my social media like I have a business social media and a personal and I will not post anything bipolar related on my business because I don't want to get judged by it whether they will or not, I don't even want to put that out there, right.

Speaker 1:

Right, and you know what I personally feel that people who are quick to judge somebody like that are people who don't have the education to understand it. You know, and that's one thing I had to learn for me, you know, being on the spectrum and being a therapist, because there were mental health professionals who said, sonia, don't come here and be a therapist because you have autism. You know there are people who have phd's psychologist, so I mean, I get you know that it's. You know it can be very judgy but at the same time you never know who it can help to right right. So, um, britney, you know, what would you give advice to when dealing, now that you've actually had experience with dealing with somebody who, having had a toxic relationship, having dealt with the mood disorder pieces and aspects, what are things you've learned about yourself through these processes and what is something you can inspire others with?

Speaker 2:

so I think the biggest piece of it is you can't live life alone. So something that I did in my first marriage that I really regret is I secluded myself off. I don't remember having friends at that time. I told you that my girlfriend that was living with me moved out when we got married. She was like my closest friend at the time, even though I would see people in my work life like they weren't really friends, and so I feel like the fact that I was so secluded made it more difficult to get out of the toxic relationship that I was in.

Speaker 2:

So what I would recommend for other people is make sure, whether it's friends or family, that you have at least one or two people in your life that you feel comfortable opening up to, that you feel comfortable being vulnerable even in the hardest situations, because those are the people that can help walk you through those hard times. Even stepping back to the situation where I told you, I was in that unhealthy living space when I was alone, where I was afraid of being in the kitchen, like again, I don't remember having friends at that time that I could have reached out to, and you know, sometimes it's hard as adults to make friends, but I've done my best now and now I'm 36. I have a great group of girlfriends and guy friends that I can trust and rely on. If you were in a place to find one or two people that you can trust, I think that's the most valuable piece that you could have in your life, because life is not meant to be lived alone.

Speaker 1:

I really like that advice that life is not meant to be lived alone and we all need people. How did you go about finding your people?

Speaker 2:

So my people came about in 2021. I was seeking out piano lessons for myself. I thought you know what? I bet I can get better at what I'm doing. Let me seek out. So I was introduced to a friend who became my piano teacher and then he introduced me to all the piano me seek out. So I was introduced to a friend who became my piano teacher and then he introduced me to all the piano people he knew. So now I have a cohort of piano teacher and composer friends that we meet on a weekly basis and it's just a growing music community there and we're able to support each other both in business and personal.

Speaker 2:

As far as like social life outside of that, I am very big into Facebook groups or Instagram groups. Here in Austin there's like Austin Latinas Hangout, austin you know, girlfriend Hangout. There's so many. I don't know if it's this way in Chicago, but here there are so many Facebook and Instagram groups and I just put myself out there. I became an ambassador for a group here called the Austin Latinos Unidas, where I would host monthly events. Sometimes people would come, sometimes nobody would come, but it was a way to engage with my community in a way that was fun and inspiring. We've done book clubs, we did Zumba, we did coffee meetups, we did just kind of co-working sessions. So I was very intentional about putting myself in the community because, like I said, life is not meant to be lived alone.

Speaker 1:

And how do you feel about yourself nowadays and I know that you are happily married now and what was that journey like? To finally find love and to finally have, you know, achieve some of that peace that you wanted for yourself.

Speaker 2:

So I think it was a matter of just believing that I was worth it, believing that I deserve to have that happiness. It took a while. Even with friendships, there's times where I'll go to my husband. I'll be like, babe, I don't have any friends, and then he'll list off all the events that I just did in the last month or the last week and he's like, babe, you have friends, you just don't see it. Maybe someone's not texting you right now, but you have friends.

Speaker 2:

And so it's a matter of just being thankful and in a place to receive that. I'm glad I have my husband, I'm glad for the business I have and the friends that I have. But I think there was a point leading up to that where I thought I wasn't worth it. I thought that I didn't deserve that, that it was okay to just get by. But now, being in a place where I'm like no, I saw a meme today today, I see if I can quote it correctly but it's like abundance has always been there. We just kind of hinder it from happening or from seeing it, something like that, but like abundance is always there, it's like we are the ones that are stopping it or not being able to receive it. And so once you realize that like I think, things change a little bit.

Speaker 1:

Right, you know, and I I definitely appreciate that perspective that abundance has always been there. We haven't seen it. I appreciate you saying that today, because sometimes I think I myself need that reminder. So thank you for putting here. And so, last thing, how would you feel like your music like? How do you feel like? You know music has also helped shape you and inspire you, and are there any particular favorite pieces you like to play?

Speaker 2:

So music has kind of been my grounding point. So I said this to someone else that, like you know, no matter how I'm feeling, if I sit down and play a Chopin Nocturne, all the notes are going to be the same, whether I've had a good day, whether I've had a crappy day, whether I've been crying and sad or whether I've been super excited. When I sit down to play that piece, all the notes are going to be the same. Now, the energy that I give to it or the style that I choose to play with may change, but it's my grounding point that the song will essentially sound the same.

Speaker 2:

And you know I use music to lift me up. I use music to fill my times when I'm feeling bored and like there's nothing to do. I use music to entertain others. I've been super active on my Instagram lately, posting Christmas videos, and it's been super fun for me to just, you know, do maybe a 30 second, 45 second clip and just kind of put it out there, because you know we all like hearing Christmas music. Whether we've heard, you know, mariah Carey's A Million Times, or whether it's Jingle Bells, there's something altogether uniting about music. So, yeah, it's grounding for me and it kind of brings people together.

Speaker 1:

And is there like a favorite piece that you love to go to, that just when you're in a, let's say, you feel sad or you feel a little lonely or you know, maybe you're just looking for you know. Yeah, what then to do? Is there some? I?

Speaker 2:

have two of those pieces when I'm feeling like I need to just make some noise Cause, like this is my baby grand piano over here, if you're not watching. I have a baby grand piano and it makes a lot of noise. And so when there's when I just want to get all that like tension out, it's a Brom Rhapsody in G minor. It just it's uh brahm rhapsody in g minor um it, just it's very like dominant, like you, just if you, I'll share with it later.

Speaker 2:

I'll share it with you later. Um, you just get all your power out on that song. And then something else, kind of more on the beautiful side, more lyrical, are the schubert impromptus. So these are pieces that I learned when I was in college and I have a lot of emotional ties to them because for a while there I thought I peaked in college. I thought the best pianist that I'm ever going to be is when I was in music school. But I finally gotten over that hump and seeing that, no, now, as a 36 year old piano teacher, composer, pianist like I'm doing better now than I was when I was 19.

Speaker 1:

You know, and I honestly am so proud of you and listening to your journey and listening to you sharing your story and your truth with all of us, and I know that this is wasn't easy for you to come out here and share your vulnerability, nor is it ever easy for anybody. But I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart and, brittany, if people want to reach out to you, where can people find?

Speaker 2:

you. So I am on Instagram at Brittany Benavidez Smith and I also have a blog that I'm working on and that is a pause and keyscom.

Speaker 1:

Amazing. And where can we get access to that blog? Oh, just pausing, just on that website. Yeah, just pausingkeyscom. Yep, oh gosh, why do I ask such a dumb question sometimes? Oh my God, I'm sorry. Sorry about that audience. Okay, that's not like me a lot, but then again, that's what being on the spectrum is about, sometimes. All right, so, anyhow, you know, thank you so much, brittany, for being on here. Thank you for sharing your story. Ladies and gentlemen, let's give it up for Brittany Benavida Smith. She is amazing. Please follow her on Instagram, pawsandkeyscom for her blog and I'll have it on the show notes. And thank you all for tuning in to this week's episode of On the Spectrum with Sonia. And please, if you haven't already, please rate, review, subscribe, share it with your family and friends, and I am looking forward to providing you with more episodes. So stay tuned.