When Love Sees The Person, Not The Label with Christopher Carazas

What if the story you were told about yourself was the wrong one—and the right words finally set you free? We sit down with Christopher Carrazas who was diagnosed autistic at 35, to unpack a life of masking, sensory overload, and the everyday math of trying to pass as “fine.” The moment his assessment named what he’d carried for decades, the static quieted. Relief wasn’t a cure; it was a compass.

Chris talks candidly about stigma inside his marriage, how repeated contempt can program shame that ultimately led him to believe that he didn't belong on Earth anymore. Chris's marriage eventually ended. Upon healing and reflection, Chris was able to understand and reason why “selfish” isn’t a useful frame for suicide. Most importantly, Chris was able to learn to embrace having autism and was able to find the love he always deserved. Chris spoke about meeting Katie who saw Chris FOR HIMSELF! Through Katie's unconditional acceptance of Chris, was it possible for Chris to finally see himself for the amazing individual he is. 

 That love, and the grief that followed, sparked his memoir, Now That I’m Still Here, a raw account of survival, recovery, and reclaiming self. 

We also spotlight Chris’s other lane: building better ways to measure social impact. Tired of vanity metrics like “people reached,” he created models that translate outcomes into financial terms, making social return on investment tangible for education and inclusion programs. It’s a clear example of autistic strengths—pattern recognition, systems thinking, stubborn curiosity—turning complexity into clarity. He shares practical resources, his Substack on grief and masking, and a giving campaign that ties book sales to suicide prevention, autism advocacy, and eating disorder support in honor of Katie.

If you’ve ever felt reduced to a label, or if you work in education, mental health, or social impact and want better tools, this conversation is for you. Listen, share it with someone who needs hope, and leave a review so more people can find these stories. Subscribe to stay with us as we keep lifting up voices across the neurodiversity spectrum.

To learn more about Chris and his book, please see these links below:

https://chriscarazas.com/books/chris-carazas-dot-com/9999999999999

https://ccarazas.substack.com/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:49

Hello everyone and welcome to today's episode of On the Spectrum with Sonia. Today we have a very special guest with us, Christopher Carrazas. Chris was diagnosed late on the autism spectrum, and he is here today to share about his experiences with autism and how it influenced his memoir, his public speaking, and also some of the volunteer work he has done with the US government that was pertinent to helping neurodiversity. So without further ado, Chris, thank you so much for being here.

SPEAKER_01 1:22

Hey, thanks for having me. It's uh it's great to be on.

Childhood Signs And Misdiagnosis

SPEAKER_00 1:25

So, Chris, why don't you start by telling us a little bit about your symptoms in terms of pre- and post-diagnosis of autism and how did it manifest for you earlier in your life?

SPEAKER_01 1:40

Yeah, so uh so uh I I got diagnosed when I was 35, uh back in 2020. And when when I was uh when I was a kid, I grew up overseas most of my life, right? Um it everyone suspected something was awry when I was younger, because like for instance, it seemed like every time we we moved to a new country, I became intolerable. I didn't have a language for it for it then, but like it meant new friends, new routines, new, new everything. There's a story that my parents tell I I don't remember this because I was I was really young, but I I got so upset and I didn't know how to verbalize how upset I was, so I I stuck a key in the electrical socket and zapped myself across the room, and that got everyone's attention that I was upset, you know. And as I as I grew older, uh well, I should say they took me to a uh psychologist because they thought like, you know, Chris gets up so upset easily, he he complains about the lights all the time and uh and or or he zaps himself across the room. Uh I it got sucked up to uh ADHD. Uh so I uh I I even got kicked out of three kindergartens because I was so like so disruptive. Uh and but as I grew older uh and be you know became more mature, I always felt a little different. I I couldn't ever put a finger on it, like why why I felt always so socially awkward, why why I couldn't I I would often get these this feedback about lack of eye contact. And I was like, I even though I tried so hard, I couldn't make it. And then I started forcing myself to make eye contact because like everyone said it was it was weird. Or I s I I stopped complaining about why the lights were so bright or why I felt awkward around strangers and new rooms.

SPEAKER_00 3:44

How old were you when you were first um brought when it was first brought to your attention about eye contact? Oof.

Masking, Sensory Strain, And High School Anxiety

The Push Toward Diagnosis And Stereotypes

SPEAKER_01 3:51

Uh it wasn't till I was in I remember it was fourth grade. Um so about like nine or ten. In high school, let me back up. It it thing, even though I still felt awkward, especially awkward in school and with other I mostly passed off as fine. Like that's that's what the comments on the report cards would say, like despite his lack of eye contact, pleasure, like pleasure to have in class or always prepared. You know, I I was learning learning to mask, right? When I was in primary school and into middle school. In high school is when I things became uh I I just started high school in the United States and I moved back to Massachusetts where I'm from, and that's when I got like the social awkwardness and whatever I at the time, whatever I was feeling inside, it w felt worse and stronger. The the hallways were would give me so much anxiety, the slamming of the locker would make me flinch. Or the rowdiness and the rowdiness in the locker rooms at at gym for gym class, right? And I would often like hide myself in the bathroom to like calm myself down, right? Sure. Uh to bring the idea I had no idea what was going on, and I would practice being fine in front of the mirror. And I even I remember practicing the slang kids would use so that it would come across as unrehearsed and unforced. Fast forward to let's say 33, my my then wife started saying thing uh she she did a career change into special education.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Okay.

Testing, Diagnosis, And Naming The Experience

SPEAKER_01 5:34

And her third or fourth day in school, she she came home and and she said, Hey Chris, you might be autistic. So this was in in in 2016. I was uh I had a good job. Uh I led an otherwise unremarkable life, right? Uh very, very air quotes normal, right? At least from societal's from society's perspective of job, pays the bills, you know, like self-functioning. She comes in and says, you know, you know, you might be autistic. And I looked at her and I said, You're so cute, right? Like third day in class and you're already diagnosing me with something. And I was ignorant at the time. My my frame of reference of autism was the rain man movie came to mind. I and I looked at her and I said, I'm I'm not the Rain Man, right? I I I have a finance job. Like I'm I'm I'm not autistic. And for for years she pushed until 2020. She brought home this autism quotient thing, uh, or test and said, just take this. And I scored uh like the first time I took it, I scored a 33, then a 37, a 36, and then I was like, okay, that's what convinced me, like, to get to get uh tested. And then I started so one of two things happened uh when I got diagnosed. Finally, like when I got finally everything I felt inside had a name and I knew what to do. Like I knew like I had the words for things like mas like it was a shoot, I was masking my entire life. And and now I understand why like the lights bothered me or certain noises drove me off the wall or what or why I got upset when my routines or plans changed. Like and I knew I knew the in quotes the monster I was dealing with now, so I can learn to live with it uh and and work with it. And so I did. I I got myself a therapist and uh so that I could learn learn to work uh with uh with autism so it didn't become a uh a crutch in my life. Like I wanted to I wanted to leverage it as a tool and an asset.

Therapy, Tools, And Leveraging Strengths

Family Rejection And Suicidal Ideation

SPEAKER_02 7:54

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

Um the second thing that happened um after I got diagnosed was well you're you're an embarrassment to the family. My daughter should not be married to someone on the spectrum.

SPEAKER_00 8:07

That must have been very painful to hear.

SPEAKER_01 8:09

Yeah, and it became uh it was. It became a a daily occurrence with with her mom. And initially it was, well, listen, that what your mom is saying is not cool, right?

SPEAKER_02 8:21

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

You know, she being, you know, her her her dad was Malagasy, and so she's um and she her mom is like white from New York, blonde-haired, blue eyes. It I equated it to her saying, like, it would be the equivalent of my parents coming to me or coming to you and saying, Chris shouldn't be married to you because you're you're part African American, right? Um and well, she didn't like that. Uh and when it turned into uh attempt at self-advocacy, it became both of them saying I was an embarrassment, and even worse, you should kill yourself because you're autistic.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

Wow, that is just beyond extreme reasons.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

Yeah. And within I and I I wish I wish it was hubris when I said it was a daily occurrence. I wish I was wish it was an exaggeration, and then it like programmed itself in in me until I I what scared me was I I I'm a survivor of it, right? I I tried to uh tried twice after the second time I got help. Um and uh you know he is like we got divorced in 2024 as a be because of the prolonged abuse, and I got the help I needed.

SPEAKER_00 9:46

So when you were getting called those names, it's just like you know, it's just like what kind of strikes me here is the fact that the label in and of itself, they just couldn't push past a label because you had mentioned that you had a job in finance. Obviously, you educated yourself well, you worked a good paying job, but you have experience living in different countries growing up because of how your family was moving around, right? And there's a lot to you, but it just seemed like with that diagnosis, it was like their vision became so narrow that blocked off everything else, and the only thing they saw with you was just the diagnosis, not understanding that that's not everything of who you are.

SPEAKER_01 10:37

Absolutely. And like I remember one time saying it's ironic be in two ways. I I was telling my wife this, like, first of all, you asked me to get diagnosed, you pushed it for years, right? I didn't want to get diagnosed because I thought I was fine, right? Second, you're a special like you're a special educator now. If you're and you deal with kids with autism, if if you're if you're telling me this, what are you telling the kids? What are what are you telling your kids?

SPEAKER_00 11:09

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

And I I remember I remember the judge saying that to her on the day of our divorce, judge judge kind of saying that to her, like, I would recommend a career change because I I'm fearful of what you're doing to our kids.

SPEAKER_00 11:23

Good for the judge. Glad that the judge said something.

Finding Love And Being Seen Beyond A Label

SPEAKER_01 11:27

Yeah. Um, but I mean it's it's tak so it's taking me a while to embrace the fact that being autistic is a gift. It took uh not only getting help, but it took a girl that I met at the pool at my apartment complex to tell to show me what it meant to be loved no matter what. Like months after I I wasn't even ready to date, I was walking my my German Shepherd, and I saw a friend of mine hanging out with her one of her friends at the pool, and we started, I walked over because I thought you fancied her, she looked kind of cute. And I was like, let me go say hi, you know, like I I need someone to talk to anyway. We hit it off like no other. And when we started getting a little serious, you know, I told her, like, you may not want to, you may not want me because I'm autistic. And she was like, who cares? Like, my cousin is autistic. You want to go go-karting now? Like, it didn't phase her, right? To her, I was like, okay, I have autism, but it didn't, it didn't shape, it didn't become my entire identity. And it it's something that, and she taught me how how much of a gift it really is.

Dating, Gender Gaps, And Underdiagnosis

SPEAKER_00 12:44

And that's a beautiful thing that came out eventually of it. And the fact that you somebody saw you for you despite the autism, right? Like, you know, it's just they saw you for who you were and they loved you fully for who you are, right? And I feel like everybody, no matter whether you're on the spectrum or not, everybody deserves to be loved for who they are. And everybody has something to offer. And so this, even though, yes, the relationship may have started, the first relationship didn't work out, but it led you to a relationship that was beautiful. And, you know, and I'm so inspired by that because there are many people on the autism spectrum who struggle to find love, who struggle to date, who struggle in the intimate department, and people don't talk about it enough. And I feel like personally, you know, because I'm on the spectrum myself. I personally feel though, guys who are on the spectrum, and correct me if I'm wrong here, I think if you're a guy and you're on the spectrum, you have it a little bit better in the dating world than if you were a girl on the spectrum at times, I feel, because I feel like guys, right? I think a lot of women, you know, like they will look at a guy who's on the spectrum and they actually will respect what the guy has to offer because they know that the guy, like, there's a lot of components, right? And I'm not stereotyping or generalizing in any way. I'm not at least trying not to. I sometimes might not come across the right way. So I apologize to everybody listening to this in advance and apologizing to you too. But like, I mean, I feel like if you're a guy on the spectrum, girls are a little bit more lenient because they'll know, like, okay, they'll see something different. They'll see some more depth in a guy, and they'll be like, okay, I can get done with this. You know, the guy's not just after my body, right? This guy's, you know, has more to him that that's really interesting. They're not just there to sleep with me and leave. They're here for other things too. And so I feel like that personally, if you're a guy, like that's where it can come in better. Whereas I feel like if you're a girl, and this is by my experience though, too, when you're a girl on the spectrum, expect different things out of women. And if you haven't crossed certain milestones and intimacy, especially, I mean, without giving too much away here, there's a lot of lamb-basting that goes on with that as well, right? A lot of judgment, a lot of, well, what the hell is wrong with you? You know, kind of thing. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 15:11

And I tend to agree with you. And I think, and it makes it makes me wonder what part of it is, is it because statistically women are underdiagnosed with autism, right? It seems for us guys that we have an easier time getting diagnosed with autism, but when it comes to women, it it has to be something, something else before it it it could be autism. I I think I think also it's a societal problem with us dudes. So just generally speaking, it's like, oh, you know, that girl's weird, and like there's there's probably something wrong with her, and then it isn't fair.

SPEAKER_02 15:47

Um right.

SPEAKER_01 15:49

And I think I I wonder, at least for the y younger folk, I wonder what part of it is uh a lack of understanding for neurodiversity. I think I think that there is a misalignment in understanding when it when it comes to neuro neurodiversity and neurodivergence in women than than than it is for men. It's more common for us, men to be diagnosed, right? And women, women don't get diagnosed anyway.

SPEAKER_00 16:20

It is proven in the studies that men get diagnosed quicker with being on the spectrum than women do, because a lot of times women are just looked at as shy or anxious, or you know, a lot of times they're diagnosed with like ADHD, even though ADHD and autism are first cousins. So there's like a think I believe like a 74% comorbidity of both. So a lot of times somebody with autism will also be have their cousin ADHD along. Likewise, when you look at depression and anxiety, those are cousins as well. So when when somebody says they have anxiety, it's common for us as therapists to ask, okay, do you also feel depressed? Because depression and anxiety are first cousins. When you were when you got diagnosed, now you were in your 30s when you got diagnosed. Did you find relief in that diagnosis? And did things start to make sense for you as to how thing why you were the way you were when you were younger? Did it kind of give you some kind of closure?

SPEAKER_01 17:22

It did. And absolutely. Like it was kind of one of those, it was that eureka moment of like, uh-huh. So I uh initially it was okay, I'm autistic. Initially I was a a little apprehensive of like looking too much into it uh before I got diagnosed because I didn't want to I wanted to go in there to the assessment kind of blind. I wanted uh I I wanted when the diagnosis came and I I was like, okay, so what does this mean? And I started doing my own research. It's like, oh, okay. So like I was masking eye contact is uh is a common or lack of eye contact is a is a common trait. Now it makes sense why I got so upset when my routines changed, right? Fuck. It's that's we have strict adherence to routines and sameness. I felt a lot, a lot of relief, right? And my second question then became all right, how how do I work with it? Because in my mind at T0, I looked at it as like, look at look at what I've achieved so far in my uh at 35, not knowing I was autistic. And I didn't want to risk um using as a using it as a crutch or becoming or uh or I didn't want to have this sense of like burned helplessness of I can't do this because I'm autistic, right?

SPEAKER_00 18:41

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 18:43

Started to realize like, oh, no wonder people call me uh like so creative, right? It in my mind at the time, I was like, uh like I I I've had to find solutions to things that seem so normal, and I have to like think outside the box all the time. And I think that's the common trend for people with with any kind of uh neuro uh neurodiverse disability, like they're very creative because they they've had to find workarounds in a world not built for them, right? Absolutely. Um I wanted to continue continue that progress. Unfortunately, I took a three, four-year hiatus because of the abuse. Once I got myself out of that, you know, it's not doing double duty. I'm still learning how to deprogram myself from from that lie of worthlessness and learning to to uh be one with my neurodivergent self.

Family Reactions, Culture, And Support

SPEAKER_00 19:41

Now you spoke of your ex-wife from the prior marriage, the family not being supportive about your autism diagnosis. How did your own side of the family react to your diagnosis and did you f find any support or comfort from them?

SPEAKER_01 19:55

Initially, there was a a healthy dose of skepticism from my family. And I mean that in the best way. Their point was your wife's pushing it. Like, why does she want why does she want you to be autistic so bad? Um and then after I got diagnosed, you know, I I asked, my mom is a uh social worker by training. So she was she was a little bit more like empathetic and like understanding, so she she researched it. My my dad's a doctor, but my dad's also Latino, right?

SPEAKER_02 20:28

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 20:29

And like uh and he's old school Latino, right? So things like mental health, A, aren't talked about, B, neurodivergence is not talked about because that infers crazy, right? And so like we still haven't had a conversation about it till this day, and I got diagnosed in 2020, right? But I think he's warmed up to the to the idea because he's like he's mentioned it as like oh how she mentioned it like twice. Like, how does this affect your autism? He asked me two different times about it, it was about hugging. I don't like physical contact very much. So you know he asked, Can I hug you? And how does this affect your autism? So he's like warm warmed up to the idea. My sister, she's still she's like, You're still my brother. Like, you're still the same Chris I always knew. So she doesn't mind it so much.

SPEAKER_00 21:24

How did your family react then to what you've gone through with the trauma you had in your relationship prior and you being a survivor?

Shame, Coercion, And The Path Back

SPEAKER_01 21:34

That's this is a hard question because there is there is a lot of guilt there on their side because from their perspectives, they're like, well, we we should have noticed something. And I was like, notice what? Because I kept it hidden. I kept the abuse very close to my chest because I was like, it's like societally, men don't talk about being victims of abuse. It happens, but but we don't talk about it because of the of the shame. It's usually the the other way around, right? Women are the abuse victims, not men. And men are supposed to be tough. So my parents or my family feels really guilty, and I'm like, but you I didn't say anything. There was nothing to really address because I hid it. And and for a long time, and by a long time, I mean it's it's only been like two years, almost two years, since I've walked out of that relationship. But they were apprehensive of anyone and everyone I met, right? Um even even uh even Katie. I'd be like, Oh, I met someone today. Be no, do not talk to that people. That person might take advantage of you, right? They might they might uh they might hurt you again. So it became like It it took me a long time to muster up the courage and say, Guys, you guys are isolating me much in the same way that my wife was isolating me. Like she wouldn't let me go out outside and see my friends or play play soccer or or run my eight miles because she said I was autistic and I couldn't go out. And and now you guys are so fearful that anyone in my life is gonna is gonna hurt me. So like, you know, it's it's two extremes, right? One was one was done out of psychological abuse, the other one was was done out of love and protection, right? And both extremes were causing some sort of harm. It took them a long time to to kind of let go. So to speak. And I and I get it because it's you know, when you almost almost lose your son or your brother, like you're gonna get you're gonna get a little protective, right? Sure. But now it's more like back to normal. Like it's a lot more like hands-off stuff now, but I still need a little support here and there. I'm I'm still not fully reclaimed yet.

SPEAKER_00 23:59

Sure. And I mean, I feel like both extremes kind of ended up with you in a same, same or similar place where you felt very limited and restricted. But I have this one question you know, I've been really meaning to ask too is you know, what got you to that point when they were telling you to end your life because you're autistic? Did you truly believe that that was what you should be doing? Or were you feeling so ashamed in some ways about yourself that you felt like that was the answer?

Strengths In Focus: Languages And Problem Solving

SPEAKER_01 24:32

I think it was a combination of both things. I initially resisted the idea and I and I fought back. And then the more it went on, I started internalizing it and starting to think like may like maybe they they're they're right that maybe like my my quirkiness is a pain in the ass. And my but then I was also ashamed of I became ashamed of being autistic, right? Uh, because that's what I like I that will that was what was being fed to me. And it like you you hear something for so long, you start to believe it, right? Um even even if it is not true. Right? It's it's the propaganda that happened during World War II with the with the Nazi youth, so much so that when uh people got fed the truth, the Nazi youth were like, well, no, it became programmed and so ingrained in my head that it's what I should do because A, they're telling me, and B, I am ashamed of being autistic. It took she didn't, she didn't completely fix me, right? But it wasn't until Katie came along that it took a long time for her to show me that what I have is a gift. Right? I mean, I remember her her telling me one day, what person can go to a country and learn a brand new language fluently in two months? And she's tell me. And I'm like, well, if you put it that way, like you make me sound like a genius. I'm not a genius. But she was like, my my cousin's autistic. And the annoying thing about you guys, you know, she meant it in loving ways, like, you guys can do the the the really hard stuff is so easy for you guys, and the the really easy stuff is so complicated. And I was like, what do you mean? And she was like, Well, learning a new language, you did that in three months, fluently, but a hug, you can't do a hug. She meant it as a joke, but the example was true. A hug is simple, and I can't really accept the hug comfortably. And love them or hate them, for instance. Like, if you if one is learns to leverage their autism to as a gift and as a strength, look at look at Elon Musk. That guy launches rockets these days. He's the richest man in the world. He's on the spectrum.

SPEAKER_02 26:59

Right.

SPEAKER_01 27:00

I I've been able to run into people and and people have popped into my radar. One lady was a used to be a federal judge for 20 years. She got diagnosed uh in her mid-60s while she was still a federal judge.

SPEAKER_00 27:18

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 27:21

Then there's uh a couple of journalists that are that I've come in in contact with uh from NPR that got diagnosed, and and the work that they're doing is amazing. And you don't have to be Elon Musk.

SPEAKER_02 27:34

Right.

Measuring Social Impact In Finance Terms

SPEAKER_01 27:36

You could be a simple federal judge, you could be a journalist, you could be me. I was able to develop uh a framework to measure social impact in financial terms for NGO uh work and corporate social responsibility. You don't have to do something extraordinary like launch rockets and become the the richest man in the world. The small things also count if you know how to leverage things correctly and your and your strengths.

SPEAKER_00 28:04

But what you've done with your work sounds so amazing. What you've done with like the financial framework, setting that up for the NGOs and corporate responsibility. I think that is so amazing.

SPEAKER_01 28:16

Yeah, it you know it it like puts just to like explain it, it puts a different lens on on NGO work, right? So I I used to be part of the whole USAID world, the United States for International Development um was this agency for the US government that funded projects overseas, right?

SPEAKER_02 28:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:36

Um and it was more than just humanitarian assistance project, it was like infrastructure building. Uh, there were a lot of education programs that had touched upon had a component for neurodiversity and gender and inclusion. And my biggest complaint, since I could remember, was you know, these projects would say like they've reached like 10 million people, or let's say 5,000 people, right? That's our impact. Well, I reach 5,000 people. I can post I can post something on Facebook right now and it it'll reach 5,000 people. Sure. Is that impact? Right? And so what you find you found you funded this education project and 5,000 kids went through your program. What does that mean? It means that they went to college and or got jobs. Oh, so now they're make like uh their earning power increased as a result of this project. Can we tie this concretely? And when you t when you like extend that argument further and you can start putting financial values, you can calculate a social return on investment on reaching those 5,000 kids.

SPEAKER_00 29:42

Yes.

Memoir Born From Grief And Love

SPEAKER_01 29:43

And that's how you can uh measure the efficacy of a project or uh the use of taxpayer dollars to justify investments, right? Um and like and build a case for new or continued funding for the the given project. And if it wasn't for the way my brain works, that wouldn't have happened.

SPEAKER_00 30:06

And you know, that's a beautiful thing then too, because it goes to just show, you know, how beautiful the mind is when we give it its all due credit and just the power of the mind and what the mind can do. So tell us a little bit about your memoir and your public speaking, because I understand you also engage in in those things.

SPEAKER_01 30:32

So um I if you had told me February of last year that I would be a published author, I would have laughed at you. Uh um, but in in late March of last year, my lady got sick, the girl I met at the pool. Um and so she was put on a ventilator and I started writing. Uh I want I wanted her to know the full extent of what I went through, of growing up autistic and not knowing about it and how that impacted me in the way I see the world, to her fully grasping the full extent of the abuse I went through. And I wanted to end it with her understanding the impact that she's had on me. Because of the way she saw me.

SPEAKER_02 31:25

Okay.

Hope, Survival, And Reclaiming Self

SPEAKER_01 31:28

When I got to her her chapter, she passed away. She spent three weeks in a in a ventilator. And, you know, her parents had to make the most difficult decision of of their lives, right? And my s obviously I was devastated because, you know, she was, I think, the best thing that ever happened to this world. She was one of those kinds of people that were a gift to everyone around when she passed. I thought that this book was just gonna be just that it was gonna end with with with that. My sister read it, um, portions of it, and told me I better I better publish this. And I thought, you know, I was like, ah yeah. Cute. Just being a good sister because cause Katie just died. And well, she got her mother-in-law and and the mother-in-law's sister involved. The the sister had just retired from the publishing industry, and I I got a gentle text message that said, You have here is super compelling, and if you don't finish this, kneecaps will be broken and they'll be yours. And um so then I was like, okay, well now what? I chose to end it with with this reflection, and I think this is where I I wanted help. What I went through was crappy. It's not it's not an isolated story. There are many people like me that got diagnosed late, and once they got got diagnosed, they they probably faced some some crap too. Or they were diagnosed early uh and went went through crap as well. You can recover from that. It's not easy, it's messy, it is worth it though, and that's what I am trying to advocate for through my speaking engagements of bringing hope to people like me, the people that got abused for for being different. It doesn't necessarily have to be autism, but just neurodiverse or just just being a person. I came to the realization that when they say suicide is selfish, I think it it comes from a lack of understanding of what it takes for someone to stand at the edge, ask for help, and not being heard and the exhaustion it comes from that. Um and rather than having people take that plunge, I really want people to know it was like, I see you, I hear you. You don't have to, you're not alone. Let's uh let's take a walk. And this side of the ledge, right? This side of the grass. And why did this happen to me? Let's ask, why did this happen for me? And what can you do now?

SPEAKER_00 34:28

And I really appreciate that perspective of how did this happen for me instead of why did this happen to me? Because when you look at it as how did this happen for me, that allows you more empowerment and it gives you that confidence then to take the bull by the horns and move forward. Whereas if you said, Well, why did this happen to me? Then it kind of goes more into that victimhood, like, oh, like the whole, you know, why me? Right. And then then that also just leads to more self-sabotage eventually, whether you're on the spectrum or you have another challenge that you battle with, right? It's you know, it's not something that's gonna go away. So you kind of learn how to you have to kind of learn how to make it your friend.

SPEAKER_01 35:10

Work with it.

SPEAKER_00 35:11

Work with it. You make it your friend.

SPEAKER_01 35:14

Yeah, you may not necessarily like him too much, but you you could still be friends and work together.

SPEAKER_00 35:20

Exactly. You gotta think of it as the friend that's like, you know what, do you get along pretty well? Of course, do you have your moments? But that's that's true of all friendships, whether it's a best friend, whether these are acquaintances at work, I mean, your co-workers or family members, right? No matter who you are, whatever what relationship you have, right? You're always gonna have your moments, but at the end of the day, you know that you love each other and you move on, right? Like it's kind of like like that. And you make it's friend, you learn to work with it, you learn to leverage using your words here, leverage, use it to leverage so that it doesn't make you helpless, but rather it propels you to to reclaim yourself again, right? To reclaim, yes.

Book, Substack, And Giving Campaign

SPEAKER_01 36:07

I I I was just talking to a friend of mine a couple days ago, and we were talking about the word fixed as it pertains to to this of like overcoming any kind of abuse or being broken. There are many, many ways that get you broken, but then when you start rebuilding, it's always framed as you're getting fixed. Like I need to fix myself. Like the thing is, like, and he asked me my perspective on that. And I said, I I believe that you can be broken. Yes, we are a machine, but we can't be fixed, right? I think what ends up happening is we have to reclaim ourselves again, and the person that we reclaim isn't necessar it isn't necessarily gonna be the the person that we left behind when when this crap happened. It started. You're gonna you're gonna reclaim a stronger version of yourself. Completely different. It's like it's like uh recovering from knee surgery, right? They don't really like fix your knee. They put a yes, they put a new new new knee in, it's metal, you have to learn to work with it, and you have to like reclaim learning to walk again. When you're done years from now, there's gonna be that s that scar where where they have to open up to insert that knee. You're not gonna be the bee fix, you're gonna be better, you're gonna be stronger, you're gonna be able to like reclaim a better version of yourself.

SPEAKER_00 37:45

Right. Absolutely. Where can people find you if they want to get a hold of your book? And what is the name of the book? Where can we find it? What about the speaking engagements?

SPEAKER_01 37:56

Right now, well, let's start with the easy stuff first. Uh people people can find me on either Substack. I write a lot over there on grief, masking, um autism. Uh so it's Substack.com slash at ccarazus.

SPEAKER_02 38:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 38:17

My book is called My Book and My Substack are called Now That I'm Still Here. I think you could plug that into the Substack search bar and it'll pop me up.

SPEAKER_02 38:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 38:28

So you can buy the book any anywhere books are sold or by going to my site, ChrisCarazis.com. Right now, uh I am working myself up to because I'm really shy and I don't like being the center of attention. It's I do a lot of the stuff locally here.

SPEAKER_02 38:45

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 38:46

But the goal, hopefully, is that I take so I have a campaign that I started. I want to sell 2,000 books. For every 2,000, uh, it helped it'll help me unlock$6,000 to give to three organizations.

SPEAKER_02 39:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 39:04

The Association for Suicide Prevention, uh, Autism Speaks, and the Massachusetts Eating Disor uh Disorder Association.

SPEAKER_00 39:13

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 39:14

In in honor of Katie. So that that's where I'm kind of like doing my my circuits right now with the with those organizations here here in Massachusetts. Uh what I want to do is make it global so that I can be an advocate for uh for us. Uh us uh on the spectrum, us that are neurodivergent, us that are uh the us that have been our survivors. Stay tuned on the more public uh public viewing of my my speaking engagements. I I just got back from uh I did one earlier today and talked to very senior center of all places. So that was that was a that was 40 people and it was like the biggest room so far. But I'm trying to work myself up to the bigger venues.

SPEAKER_00 40:07

You know, and I have no doubt that we're gonna be seeing you on even bigger stages and bigger platforms, and I also have no doubt that you are gonna sell those books, that all the books that you want to sell, you're gonna do it. 2026 is gonna be a really positive and empowering year for you. I'm glad you're still with us because we need to all stand together. We need to stand by each other. So thank you so much, Chris, for being with us today.

Socials, Support, And Closing

SPEAKER_01 40:36

Thank you. And you know, that doing doing the little podcast circuit is helping me build my courage to be more keen on more public speaking, like full-on public speaking engagements too. But thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_00 40:50

I think you'd be great up there. Oh my gosh, I could see you killing it on a stage. And honestly, I feel like anybody who's listening to this would agree a hundred percent. I wouldn't be surprised you're gonna get people finding you being like, please go come and speak to us. Speaking of finding you, are you on any social media? Are you on anything that people can find you if they wanted to reach out to you?

SPEAKER_01 41:15

Yeah, I'm pretty bad at using Facebook and Instagram. Uh I don't I don't post very often on on those, but like I I do check it every day. So if people want to reach out, I'll respond back to you. I'll talk to you.

SPEAKER_00 41:29

Okay. So is your handle just your name? Is it Christopher Carrazos?

SPEAKER_01 41:34

Yeah, Christopher Carrazis. Yeah, I I my Facebook one will show a picture of a German Shepherd. That's shadow. That's how you know you've got the right one. And then Instagram, I think, also has a German Shepherd. There I I try to try to be professional. So I had I had my personal one and I there's one of me in a black and white photo. Uh whichever one you find, sit, follow it, and I'll if you want to chat about anything. Even if like you just need an ear. I'm not a therapist, I can't fix anything, but I I can listen. I can and I can point you to uh resources uh if you're if you're you know if you're struggling with with depression or suicidal ideations, you know, like I can point you to the resources like 988 or just be an ear, be a friend and and whatever whatever you need.

SPEAKER_00 42:23

Thank you, thank you so much, and thank you so much for being here, ladies and gentlemen. Please, please, please, pretty please go and find Christopher Carazus, find him on his socials, get a hold of his book, and you will be rewarded immensely with empowerment and love and support, everything you're looking for. All right, and with that being said, that this wraps up today's episode. Thank you for tuning in. If you like what you heard today, please remember to subscribe and rate and review and share with your family, your friends, your loved ones, coworkers, everybody. And we're looking forward to talking to you all again soon. Take care.