#4 My Bipolar Diagnosis, Birth Story, and Postpartum Depression

We all have a story that leads us to our mental health diagnosis. Here's my journey to finding out that I have bipolar disorder, and the events that lead up to it. I hope you feel less alone. 

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Hey there, welcome to the Mental Refuge podcast. Here we talk all things mental health and Christianity. I am your host, Angela McDonald. I run my website, The Mental Refuge, where I talk about my own personal struggles, mental illness, while also being a Christian and a mom of two. And I help others by giving tips and tricks on what has helped me. To be clear, this is my story. I personally live with bipolar disorder and live with anxiety, so I know what it's like to go through the trenches of life and to feel alone. My goal is to bring you weekly tips and education on how to thrive with your mental health while giving you real examples from my own life and also provide you with a much needed dose of Jesus. I hope you stick around and stay a while. Welcome guys to episode number four. Can't believe I'm already four episodes in it may not seem like a lot, but I am so proud of myself for. Keep on going every single Monday for recording for you guys. Today I want to do something a little bit different. I feel like it would be a great time to tell a story, to tell my story. About all of the events that led up to my diagnosis with bipolar disorder, the depression. That mania, every single thing that I went through, I feel like you guys need to know this so that you can know a little bit more about me. But for right now, let's talk about what is making me happy, told you guys last week that I want to start off each episode with something that is currently making me happy and hopefully to inspire you guys to look for the good and every single day, no matter what you're going through. So today I'm thankful for a person. The person I'm thankful for her name is Jennifer Allwood. She is on YouTube. I've been part of some courses that she's done throughout the years. She's an amazing business woman. She is a Christian. She is so motivating. I just spent about 30 minutes watching a YouTube video from earlier in this year. Where she talked about, showing up in your business every single day. And even if it's some little small mundane task, play, checking your email or posting on Instagram or something, just showing up every single day. And I feel like that was exactly what I needed to hear. For the times when I'm tired and I may not want to record this podcast. I'm just so thankful for her, for her work, for her words of wisdom. If you will, she has a book called fear is not the boss of you. I love her book. It is filled with biblical wisdom, with business wisdom, all sorts of things, personal stories. All the things that you could want. So I am thankful. I am happy. About Jennifer Allwood. I am happy that I came across her YouTube channel all those years ago, her podcasts, everything. So go give her a watch. Give her a listen. And I want to know what you are thankful for. So let me know, send me a message. What are you thankful for? So let's go ahead and get started about my story. So growing up, I never had depression, not as a child, nothing like that. I was extremely shy and I guess I was a little bit. Sad, I guess. I was, I wasn't really, really lonely. I did have one best friend at a time. One really, really good friend. Elementary school, middle school. High school, things like that. I was very, very shy. Like I said, I just really wasn't all that outgoing, but I was never depressed. You know, I never went through depression as a child. I did when I was five years old and in kindergarten I did go see a school counselor every single week, instead of going to PE. And I have no idea why I had to skip out on PE and go to counseling at five years old. I still don't know why. And I am 37 right now. but it's just one of the things I'll probably never know. But as far as I remember, I never grew up with depression, anything like that. when I was in high school, I started coming out of my shell. I took dance from when I was eight years old until I was 18. With taking a couple of years off during that time. But when I was in high school specifically, my junior year, Into my senior year, I really started coming out of my shell. I made a lot more friends. I just naturally became more outgoing, more bubbly. I try to intentionally be funny. I participated in junior miss pageant, which is now called something else. I don't even think it's called junior miss anymore. I think it's called distinguished young women. But I was a part of that. I just really, really came out of my shell, my junior and senior year of high school. I also became a Christian during that time when I was a sophomore in high school, I became a Christian. Now I did not really grow up in church. And I'll talk about that another day. I did start going off and on in middle school. We have my best friend invited me to go with her. But in my sophomore year of high school, I became a Christian so fast forward, just a little bit. When I was in college, I came out of my shell even more. And for whatever reason, I don't know why, but that first week of college, like the first one or two days of college, I remember thinking that I wanted to abandon my faith. I have no idea why I had those thoughts, but I did. Looking back, I was very manic during part of my college days off and on. I went through mania off and on. I went through depression and I never knew what I was going through at the time. But I remember I would get so angry. Even just from watching a basketball game, a major basketball game on TV, I would get so angry at one time I threw a phone book. At one of these big, huge, like, I don't even know 60 inch TV. It's like the big boxy TVs that were in the lobby of the dorm room. I got so bad at a basketball game. That I threw a phone book at the TV and it left a crack. And I was just so extremely embarrassed. Like I said, I want it to leave my faith. I would get angry, outward Be in my car and I would just like punch the dashboard for just whenever I was just angry, I would just like explode. And I didn't really know why. Thankfully I did not leave my faith. And in fact on the second or third day of college is I just moved in as a freshman classes hadn't even started yet. And some people from down the hall who later became really good friends with and invited me to a Christian fellowship group, which met at our university, but I went to. So I became really, really, really involved in my faith, even though I had those angry outburst I became even more bubbly, even more funny. I would just tell. Jokes all the time silly faces. I was just really, really, really out there. I'll say start it. Becoming more and more positive. And I also had love for others. I went on a few mission trips back in college. And actually met my husband when I was in college. Now he wasn't in college. He's eight years older than me, but I met him when I was in college. And he has always said that he was drawn to my positivity and to my love for other people. So I lived such a happy life from 2003 ish. From my junior year of high school. Up until 2013. When I got married. I spent 10 years, 2003 to 2013 in complete bliss. Like so happy, you know how you're in a relationship. In a, in a very serious relationship for the first time and you are just blissful and so happy that lasted for me for 10 years. I wasn't. To manic and I wasn't depressed whatsoever. I was just blissful. I was probably hypomanic, but I wasn't full on out there. Now in 2013, I did get married. And we became pregnant right away. Like. Two months after we got married. I found out that I was pregnant. So it was very quick. During pregnancy. I became severely depressed. Like as soon as I became. Pregnant probably. I found out I was pregnant when I was either four or five weeks along. So it was very, very early on. And within 2, 3, 4 weeks of that, I became extremely depressed. I want it all to end. I want it. Pregnancy to end, which sounds absolutely horrific. I just want it. My life to be over. And it's not that I necessarily wanted to die. But I just want it all to end. I don't know. So I was severely depressed during pregnancy pretty much right away. I did have a condition called hyperemesis gravidarum, which if you don't know, that is what princess Kate actually had with all three of her pregnancies. So props to her for going on for three pregnancies. But basically it's a condition where pretty much all you do is throw up. And maybe sleep in between those times. So it is not like morning sickness. Let me tell you that. First off it is not morning sickness. With hyperemesis gravidarum. I would get sick. I would throw up minimum minimum 12 times a day. Minimum. I mean, there were some times when it was in the twenties. That I was throwing up. In one single day and this went on. From the time I was about. Six weeks pregnant, five or six weeks pregnant. Literally up until the day my son was born. I would get sick. That much. And when I wasn't getting sick, I would throw up. And during that time, there was a really bad Thing with my medication insurance didn't want to cover medication. To help me not throw up for whatever reason. So I was in a deep dark place. Because if you think about it, if you are pregnant and it's supposed to be the most joyous time of your life. And you are. Throwing up 12, 15, 20, 25, 30 times a day. You're going to be depressed. I vividly remember going to a baby shower that I had, and I was opening a gift and I had to run out and go to the bathroom and throw up. I never had. A joyful. Pregnancy experience with my son. And that was really sad and I kinda knew. That I was depressed. I just thought that I was sad and I just didn't want to be pregnant anymore. And now I keep telling myself, oh, this is normal. This is morning sickness. And you know, it'll go away at eight weeks. It'll go away at 12 weeks. It'll go away at 16 weeks and it never went away. And people would tell me, you know, where the see bands to not get sick as much and drink ginger ginger ale or ginger candies, and gave me all the tips, you know, that work for morning thickness. But like I said, this is not morning sickness. This is a real medical condition. And so nothing. I helped except for giving birth giving birth is literally the cure for this condition. So it lasted with me until I gave birth. When my son was born, it was a very long, very traumatic. Birth for me. I was in labor. Well, I had to be induced because his due date was July 1st and he was born July the 10th. So. It was. Well over a week later when he was born and I actually went into the hospital. On my birthday, which is July 8th. And I thought it, and I went in to be induced and I thought that he was going to be born like the next morning, the next afternoon at the latest, I thought it was going to be a quick process. It was not. I did have an epidural and it did not work. So then they said, well, let's try it again. I had a second epidural. That did not work either. It worked well enough to numb my legs, where I couldn't move and they wouldn't let me stand up, but it went up to like my thigh area. It did not work all the way up to where it was supposed to round to help with contractions. If you have ever been induced, you know, that contractions, when you are put on Pitocin, Are from the devil himself and they are just so intense. And almost unbearable. I did not sleep for the whole time. I think I was 36 or 38 hours. Kind of lost count. I'll have to go back and remember, but it's about 36 or 38 hours of going through that. Not sleeping, epidural, networking, horrible, horrible contractions. And I actually went through. What I'm thinking was the start of postpartum psychosis. So if you don't know, there's different levels, there is the baby blues, which everybody talks about, which we'll probably go into this details on another episode, but there's the baby blues, which everybody associates. With postpartum, there's also postpartum depression where you are truly depressed, which is very common actually. And then there's postpartum psychosis, which is the most severe. And the last time I read up on this, it happens in about 1% of women. So it is very rare, but it does happen. So it happened to me. It kicked in pretty much immediately, right before he was born. And then as I was giving birth, as he was born. Psychosis kicked in. Part of mania that I now know is what that is happened, right. When he was born. So after he was born went home. Of course. And I went through a manic phase. I wasn't depressed whatsoever. I never really had postpartum depression with my son. I had full on mania. So what that meant for me, I was seeing things. I had weird thoughts towards my son. Want it to harm him? I would think that demons or angels were around me at certain times. I was obsessed with myself. I remember I got a major haircut and nobody noticed. Everybody noticed my son and. Rightfully so and would say, oh, he's so cute. Aren't you just so happy, you know? And I remember thinking, like, I just got my haircut. Why aren't you noticing me? And why aren't you saying anything? Why aren't you giving me compliments? I remember having such a short temper with everybody. And I just thought that everybody was so stupid. And why can't you keep up with my thoughts? Because my thoughts were just racing out of control. I guess I was depressed in the sense that I wanted my life to go back to how it was before. I did not want to have a child anymore. I wanted to run away. All I want it to do was run away. I had thoughts about just. Driving off and abandoning my car and just being like a missing person or something. I just, I hated my life at that. At that time. I just want it to go to the movie theater. Me and my husband is scared of the movie theater and watched like midnight showings. I used to love doing that. And I would just think, well, we can't do that anymore. We can't go out to eat without him. We can't go bowling. We can't do anything because he's always there and I would just get so, so, so mad. Because I thought that my life. Was better off before he was born. And. I just, wasn't thinking clearly. I did look up all of these symptoms, all of these things. I looked it up online. And everything told me that I was going to be taken away, that I would end up in a psychiatric ward bed. Either my son would be taken away or maybe he, he wouldn't, but I would be taken away. So I never told anybody. And when I went to the doctor for the six week postpartum checkup that you do, you fill out the survey, the questionnaire. And I completely, 100% lied on that thing. I said I was doing great. And I think I did say that I was a little bit sad, but I didn't say anything else. When it said, do you have thoughts of harming yourself or your child? I, 100% said, no. Because I did not want that to be a huge red flag and somebody take me away or take him away. Because part of that was stigma. And embarrassment. So even though I didn't want to be in his life, how could I let anybody else know? Everybody around me. Was telling me, oh, This is the best time of your life. You're going to miss this so much. Isn't he just so wonderful. And in my head, I was screaming, no, this is not wonderful. What are you talking about? I just, I hated it. I hated it. So, so much. But at the same time, how could I let anybody else know? How could I let my mom or my mother-in-law? How could I let anybody know that I hated my life and that I hate it. My son. Because I would be viewed as a monster. How could I let my coworkers know who are my friends? That, Hey, I can come back to work because I've got to go to a psych ward. I would never have done that. I was so, so embarrassed. So I didn't tell anybody. I told nobody. And I never reached out for help. I honestly do not know how I am alive today in how my son is alive. The only thing in it is completely 100%. I got thing I, 100% believe this. About a month or so before our son was born, my husband was laid off from his job. And at the time that was. Devastating, but we thought, Hey, well, there's no point in searching for a job, right. This second. Because our son is going to be born. He's going to have to take some time off to be with me. So he decided to push that off for a couple of months and a couple of months actually turned into six years. So my husband was the most wonderful stay at home dad for about six years. And. That is what I attribute to me. Being here and you listening to my voice right now was because he got laid off. And those were very difficult times for us financially. Emotionally, but. Because I was literally never alone with my son. Ever. If I went home, my husband was there 100% of the time. Or I would be at work or I would go out and I would maybe run an errand by myself. I was never, ever left alone with my son. And that is the. Only reason. Y I am here today and he is here today is because my husband was laid off. So, let that be an encouragement to you. If you are going through a difficult season. Of life right now. And you, maybe you got laid off from a job recently, or maybe something is just bad is happening in your life. Let that be a reminder. What is that setting you up for? What good is about to happen for you? Because the. Realization that my husband lost his job. And he didn't have a gel for six years of VIN staying at home, which is a very tough and a very real job. But because he didn't work outside of the home and he took care of our son. That set us up for the rest of our lives, that we are a family of four now. All because of that. And I'm so, so thankful. So fast forward a little bit. When my son turned about a year old. The psychosis. That mania, whatever you want to call it, it lifted. It was gone. It, I don't know what happened, but it subsided. I guess I was still a little bit hypomanic, but the psychosis wasn't there anymore because even though I went through all of that, me and my husband were like, Hey, let's have another baby. Let's do it right now. And for whatever reason. God saw fit for me to become pregnant again. So just a couple of months after my son turned one. We became pregnant with my little girl. And even though I had the same condition, I had hyperemesis gravidarum again, when I was pregnant with our daughter. I was able to get medication. They actually had a new medication. I think it was called di Khaleejis. I took that and so Fran and Finagraph took all the things. So even though I did get sick, I would still throw up pretty much every single day. It was not. Nearly as much. It might be 2, 3, 4, 5 times a day. Not. 12 15, 20, 25 times a day. So it was a great improvement. Also got a pregnancy journal. It was a prayer journal. I prayed for our baby girl every single day. I prayed that I would have a redeeming birth story that it would be positive. I prayed so much that the epidural would work. I prayed. That I would not go through psychosis. I prayed for all the things. And you guys, when she was born, I did have that redeeming birth story. I really, really did. It was a joyous birth. Joyous. I just smiled so much and yes, of course it was painful, but. And it had to be induced again, but the epidural worked. Just everything fell into place so perfectly, and I will forever be thankful. For having that. Be her story. That be my story. So when she was born, I was happy. Happy, happy. I was filled with joy for about eight weeks. Until she was eight weeks old and at six weeks I went to the postpartum checkup, just like I did with my son. But this time I did not lie on those forms. I didn't have to. I was genuinely just so happy. And I remember my doctor even said like, you have the best score that anybody could have, like, nobody's this happy? And I was like, I don't know what to tell you. I'm just so happy. South at the six week postpartum checkup. Just two weeks later when my daughter was eight weeks old, I started getting depressed. And I started getting really sad every single day out, get more and more and more sad. I was about to go back to work. It had been eight weeks. I remember my first day back at work, I was just sobbing, crying. I was so upset and I loved my job, but I just didn't want to leave her. Even though my husband was a stay at home dad and she was 100000%. In great hands. I just didn't want to leave her because I just loved her so much and I never had that feeling before when my son was born. I stayed home for six weeks. And I was ready to go back at like four weeks. I was like, can I please go back? I. I mean, I was just so ready because I wanted to be away from him. With my daughter, it was the complete opposite. I was like eight weeks. It's not long enough. I'm crying all the time. I was just so sad. Within a matter of days. It got to the point where I was so sad. That I was becoming suicidal. I was self harming myself. I didn't feel worthy. Of speaking. I tried to make my voice go out. I would just scream at the top of my lungs. One day. I just sat in my car and I just screamed at the absolute top of my lungs. Because I felt like. I wasn't even worthy of speaking. And I especially didn't feel like I was worthy of living. And I remember that day that my voice went out. I heard a song on the radio. From for king and country. They're slung priceless had just come out. And that was the very first time that I had heard on the radio. And I felt like God was distinctly talking to me through that song. So, if you haven't listened to it, I'll know where you've been, but please go after this and listen the bands for king and country and go listen to the song. Priceless. Because that was the moment where I felt like God was telling me. You are priceless, Angela. You are priceless. You are worthy of speaking. You are worthy of living. Basically that same exact day. On my lunch break, my husband urged me to call. My gynecologist, my OB GYN, so that I could get help. That day, I did have to leave a voicemail for the nurse so that she can call me back. And it wasn't until like five o'clock. When she called me back and I remember being in the grocery store parking lot, and I was telling her what was going on. And she gave me the suicide hotline, phone number. And she said, come in. First thing tomorrow morning. Just go straight back and just, just come in as soon as you can. I think they opened at eight and she was like, get here at seven, you know, just go straight there as soon as I woke up and I was like, okay. So I did that. My OB GYN, she was like, what happened? I just saw like two weeks ago, when you said that everything was fine, were, were, were you not truthful? And I was like, no, what's truthful. And I was like, but everything's happening and I'm so depressed and I just want to die. And I love my daughter so much. And if you notice this is a complete flip from my son. So with my son, like I said, I hated him. I hated him so much. And I loved myself. But with my daughter, I loved our daughter so much and I was so protective and I was everything that a mom should be. But I hate it myself. It's so I didn't know what I was going through. I didn't know what I was experiencing. So my doctor looked at me and she said, do you have a family history of bipolar disorder? And I actually do. I have an aunt and an uncle who have it. And she said, well, I can, technically I can give you medication, but if you have bipolar disorder, you need to see a psychiatrist. So During that time. I almost checked myself into the psych ward at the hospital in the neighboring town. And actually tried to go. I didn't bring anything with me because I was told that I was just going to spend one night there and then I got there to the hospital. And the nurse to come to find out, completely lied to me. This was a Wednesday or a Thursday, I believe. One of those two days. And this nurse told me, oh, the psychiatrist already left for the day. So you can't see him. And, and mind you, this was like nine o'clock in the morning. He's already left for the day. So you can't see him. You know, you have to stay at least two nights here. Nobody gets discharged on the weekends. So it'll probably be Monday when you can leave. So you're telling me that I'm gonna have to stay at the hospital for five days. And I was told it was going to be for one. So again, that embarrassment, the shame, the stigma, I couldn't let anybody know. That I was in the psych ward. I could not let anybody know. I was so embarrassed. So I didn't go. I ended up going home and my doctor called me from her cell phone. At like seven o'clock at night. I think she said, Angela, what is going on? Why don't you go to the hospital? And I told her, I was like, well, the nurse scared me. She told me that the. That my psychiatrist had already left or wouldn't be able to be seen. And. I'll have to stay there for five days. And she was like, no, that's not true. She's at the top of her is still there at the hospital. He hadn't left for the day and. She said, and you would say one night, like maybe two at the very most, but no. So all of those things that the nurse had told me were complete lies and I am still very upset that she was able to work there. I have no idea if she still works there. I hope not. Because what a terrible person. For her to lie to psychiatric patients and you scare them. And. Anyway. So I wasn't able to see the psychiatrist right away, but I did start going to therapy. I started going weekly for a while. And then I was able to back off and go once every two weeks. And then once a month. But during that time, that was the very first therapist that I saw for bipolar disorder for depression or mania, whatever I was going through. But she saw a pattern in me over the course of about four months. So this was October of 2016. When I started going to therapy. And from October to January, she would see where sometimes I would come in to the office. And I would be so severely depressed. And now all I would do is just sob, sob, sob. And she would see the worthlessness that I felt and how I just wanted it all to end. She would also see the very next week I would come in or maybe a month later I would come in. And I would be off the wall. I would be bouncing my foot up and down. I would say, I'm fine. Everything's fine. What are you talking about? So great. Nothing bad is going on. I just, I love life. And now come in a few weeks later or a month later. And just be SABIC. So she would see this pattern in me for about four months and she's like, oh, okay. You need to see the psychiatrist now. And so she was very instrumental in documenting everything and seeing everything that I was going through. She was a great person in my opinion, to have as my first therapist, because she, she educated me on so much. And she really did help me. So from October until January I was with my therapist and in January of 2017. I officially got the diagnosis of having bipolar disorder and there are different types of bipolar disorder. I'll go through that. And other day but I was diagnosed. I have bipolar disorder type one, which is the most severe form of bipolar. So basically I spent about four years trying out medications, mood stabilizers anti-psychotics until I got to a place where I felt. Pretty stable. And even now my daughter is seven and a half years old. She's going to be eight this year. And even now. Up until about a month ago, I'm still trying out medications. That is one of those things that once you're on a medication for a mental illness, your symptoms, don't just magically go away and you're fine for the rest of your life. No, we are ever evolving, ever changing people. Even if you have a mental owner or not. I just want to encourage you that if that is you, if it has been six months a year, if it's been six years, 10 years, and you're still figuring out your medication that is normal, you guys, it is normal. It's unfortunate that it has to be like that. I wish there was just. A pill that we could take that just carried it all, you know, but there's not. So we have to deal with what we're given and we have to keep pushing on and we have to keep moving forward. And. Just like I said, I it's just now hitting me, just like I said earlier, when I told you guys what I'm happy about. And it is a person, Jennifer Allwood, who I follow on Instagram and Facebook and YouTube and everywhere. Just like how she talks about you show up every single day for your business. That's got to be us with our mental health, with our mental illness. We have got to show up every single day and we've got to fight for it. We need to take our medication. We need to go to therapy. We need to see our psychiatrist to get our medication, obviously. We need to have a sleep schedule. We need to have a schedule we'll restate off of social media, if it's negatively influencing us, which it does for everybody, I believe. We need to do the hard work. We need to put it in. So do something for yourself daily. That helps you. So I just want to share my story about my bipolar diagnosis. And partials that you can know more about me, but also remind you that you are not alone. So I challenge you today. I want to encourage you, go do something. Great. Share your story with others because you never know. When it can impact somebody else when it can influence somebody else. And if that is you listening to me, I am so humbled and I'm so thankful that I could potentially help somebody else. If you will, please go leave a review of this podcast, wherever you are listening to it at Spotify, apple, wherever you may be, please leave a review. When you leave a review, it actually helps others find this podcast. Believe it or not. I hope you guys have a great rest of your day rest of your week. I'll talk to you later. Bye.