#14 Can You Only Grieve When Someone Dies?

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Hey there, welcome to the Mental Refuge podcast. Here we talk all things mental health and Christianity. I am your host, Angela McDonald. I run my website, The Mental Refuge, where I talk about my own personal struggles, mental illness, while also being a Christian and a mom of two. And I help others by giving tips and tricks on what has helped me. To be clear, this is my story. I personally live with bipolar disorder and live with anxiety, so I know what it's like to go through the trenches of life and to feel alone. My goal is to bring you weekly tips and education on how to thrive with your mental health, while giving you real examples from my own life and to also provide you with a much needed dose of Jesus. I hope you stick around and stay awhile. Okay guys, I have been putting off this episode for so long. Uh, You know, I'm always honest with you guys. It's been really hard for me to sit down and come up with an outline for this episode, because this is a hard one for me. It really is. So bear with me if I end up crying or something, because you never know what's going to happen. I have been a little bit tearful these past few days, so you just never know. Um, it's going to be about grief, as you can tell by the title of this episode and how, if we can grieve someone, even if they haven't passed away. They're still alive and kicking. Maybe you have someone in your life or who used to be in your life rather, and you really miss them and you're grieving them. And we'll also touch on how it's okay. That we're grieving ourselves. We might grieve that we miss our old life a life before we were diagnosed with the mental health condition. And stick around to the end because I'm going to give you guys some coping tools. To use when you're grieving as well as some scripture. And some coping tools that I personally use as well. That's what we will be diving into today. Ooh. Okay. If you're new here. Welcome. I am Angela. I'm a wife and a mom of two, and I live with bipolar disorder. I'm also a Christian and I believe that Jesus therapy and medication all go hand in hand. Before we really get started. I wanted to talk to you about the mental health project I've been working on the rescued and restored workbook. This is a 65 page downloadable mental health workbook that is filled with worksheets prompts and scripture to read in times of depression and anxiety. This is not your momma's old fashioned journal. This is a workbook filled with worksheets that you can use to dig deeper into learning more about yourself. You can also bring these sheets with you, to your therapist or doctors, they can understand your stressors or triggers better so they can better treat you. It's also filled with anxiety, trackers, mood trackers, and sleep trackers. It is jam packed with stuff, and I don't want you to miss out on it. Simply hadn't ever taught website. The mental refuge.com and look under the shop tab to check it out. So let's get on with today's topics surrounding grief. Like I said, the title of today's episode is can you only grieve when someone dies? And the short answer is no. You don't only grieve when someone dies, you can fully grieve someone who was alive. You can grieve the loss of a friendship, someone you're not connected with anymore. And as silly as it might sound, you can even grieve financial loss or even a job loss that you've had. There's many different forms of grief, not just from a loved one who has passed on. So I wanted to share a personal story with you guys about someone in my life, who I have grieved and still am grieving. I don't know if it'll ever go away. But I think this example will be really beneficial to you. And if you can relate to this, please find me over on Instagram or threads. I just downloaded a threads and I'm loving it so far. You can find me at the mental refuge. That's my handle. And leave me a comment or send me a message. I would love to know if I helped encourage someone today. So my grieving example is about my dad. I think it's important to know that my dad is still alive, but we haven't spoken to each other. And in 15 years, This month actually marks 15 years since we last spoke. Um, so a very brief description is that my mom and dad separated when I was four months old and they officially divorced when I was two. Um, he was always in and out of our lives. When I was really little, I would see him twice a year, once on my birthday. And once at Christmas, I never saw him on my brother's birthdays for some reason only on mine and at Christmas. Um, which are about six months apart. There would also be years where I wouldn't see him at all years, there would be a countless number of times when he would call to say that he would visit, he lived about 35, 40 minutes away from us. Um, but he would never show up. I would literally spend hours waiting for him by our front door, looking out of the screen door and human never show up. I spent so much time in my childhood doing that, and I have vivid memories of it. I hold full two years with goodbye without us seeing him. And then when I was in high school, though, things shifted, I started seeing him more and more. I would see him multiple times of the year. Sometimes almost every weekend. I would see him for months on end. And sometimes even during the weekdays, like he would visit us after he got off of work, he would come and visit us. So things really shifted when I was in high school. We would go to the movies together. We would go watch a minor league baseball game together. He would take me to my dance lesson. Sometimes if my mom couldn't take me, he would take me to the mall. He actually taught me how to drive, which is a really big deal. Um, so there was a time of my life when he was there and those are some of my best memories actually. It's also important to note that we always got along and that he was always so much fun to be around. We had never once gotten into any sort of argument. He was just a lot, a lot of fun and we got along so well. And that's important to note because I'm going to bring it up again in a little bit and how that affects me today. Fast forward and he might be wondering, well, if he was so much fun and you guys hung out together, all of a sudden, then why don't you guys speak to each other? Well, Because he was in and out of my life for so long. He was really wishy-washy. Um, and then, especially in college, he got even more wishy washy. I was tired and ultimately I was tired of not being in his life and vice versa. After these teenage years when I was in college. Sure. There were times when he would drive me to college. When my mom had to work. Um, he helped me move into my dorm rooms and my first two apartments. But after that, he kind of vanished. He actually went to my college graduation. With his now wife, there were dating at the time. And afterwards, we were all going to meet in a local restaurant and he actually said, I'll see you there. And we drove off separately. Well, he never showed up. He just got in his car and drove it two and a half hours home instead of eating lunch with me and my friends and our other family members. And he never called me to explain nothing. So basically after some time, a couple of months later, I emailed him and I shared that I either wanted him to fully be in my life and not wishy washy. Or not in my life at all. I just couldn't take the pain anymore. It really, really affected me. It affected my moods and this was way before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Um, it would really affect my mood and I just couldn't take it anymore. Okay. Every single time he would leave. Like that day, I felt like the little girl who was waiting at the screen door, just waiting. When he promised he would visit, but he never showed up. I felt so vulnerable and so hurt time after time again, and I was tired of it. Exhausted. I just couldn't do it anymore. So he actually told me that he received my email. And he told me that he would work on himself and try to do better. And that was the last time I ever heard from him. I never once got a phone call after that, an email. Cause we used to email each other back and forth sometimes. Nothing. So I took that as he would rather completely give up on our relationship. Rather than try to actually work on it and be there for me and be a part of my life. So I've experienced various family members, deaths. I think we all have my aunt and my grandmother. Those deaths were really big deals to me and they still are. And I've heard and even experience that triggers can come out of nowhere. You might smell that person's perfume or see someone who looks just like them. And when they hit you, they hit you like a truck. And triggers can happen, whether someone's passed away or not, or that can happen with a situation like a job loss or a financial loss. So I think about this example, if you were laid off from your job after working there for 10 years, Then every time you drive by that building, your brain might flood, but they happy memories of that job, where the coworkers that you once had, and you might grieve that you used to have that, but that job is no longer in your life. Or those co-workers are no longer in your life. And really important. You might even grieve the life you once had a life you had before you were diagnosed with a mental health condition. The life you had before you had anxiety or depression or bipolar disorder or OCD or schizophrenia. Whatever it might be. You might grieve the life that you once have before you had migraines, because that was a life where you could physically do more. There's many, many different things that you can grieve over. So it's not just the death. So this was the start of my trigger with my dad. This happened like six to nine months ago. And I wanted to share it today in the hopes that it helps someone, but I vividly remember it. So we had recently moved into our home and I was going through some boxes that were tucked away. Those say box full of cards, pictures, stuff like that. Well, I was going through that box. I found a Christmas card that was from my dad and in it was handwritten the words. Thank you for not giving up on me. Dad. I think because he knew that he was in and out of my life at that time. And I don't even remember what year that Christmas card was from. It probably has it written on it, but I've already tucked it away. Um, but I think he knew that I felt like he was giving up on me. And so he wrote those words. Thank you for not giving up on me. Dad. So at that time, I stared at it for a bit, but I tucked it away and I focused on all the rest of the cards in that huge pile. I truly honestly, did not give them much thought. And that was that. I also found in that same box, a birthday invitation to my friend's pool party back in 1990, whatever. And it made me so happy to see it. So I honestly didn't think much about that car from my dad, because I had so many other good things to focus on that was in that box. So fast forward, about four to five days, then I was lying in bed. When that card from my dad came across my mind again. Why. It had been four to five days. I had given it no thought at all. Why was I lying, awake, thinking about it so much. Why did I start crying at 10 30 that night sobbing uncontrollably. Well, It's because I unknowingly had something else happened that triggered that event and triggered me to think about my dad again. And we all know how our thoughts can get late at night. Our brains can flood with memories and before we know it, we are sobbing. Like I was. So the actual trigger that happened. That same morning. My husband had written a note in each of our kids' lunch boxes and they each said, me love you, which is how we say, I love you to each other. We say, may love you. And it was signed dad. I love those notes and they were great. Loved it. But later that night I was thinking about it and I realized that it was signed dad and not daddy. Like he would usually do. I don't top of that. My husband's way of writing those three letters, D a D. We're very similar to my own dad's handwriting. Which is just crazy to think about. That was my trigger. That was the moment that I started thinking about my own dad and his words to me on that Christmas card, which I also realized was the last card or even the last thing that I ever received from him. Some of his final words to me. We're a thank you for not giving up on me. And. In a strange way. I feel like I did give up on him. It does take two. So, yes, he abandoned me. The ball was in his court after I sent him that email, but I also feel like I could have reached out even just one more time. I felt guilty. I felt ashamed. I felt angry. I felt all the things. I grieve the person that parent, the one dad that I have. I grieved that I haven't had a relationship with him for the past 15 years. That I have missed out on one of the most. Important relationships that person can have. And I also grieve the fact that he has never met his only grandchildren. And that he will never be the fun grandpa that I know he could be. My kids are eight and 10 years old and they have never met him. They never seen him at a birthday party, nothing they've never even met. And I grieve that. And I'm so angry that they will never have that relationship with him because I know from experience that it could be a good one. I, I ha I know that I have this TV family image in my head and my husband always tell me. Tells me that I live in a TB world. Um, but I have this image in my head where he would take them to the same baseball games that he would help teach them to drive. Just like he taught me. That he would teach her a little boy about cars and how to change the oil and spark plugs. Um, I can see him telling his granddaughter that she's the most beautiful girl in the world because he would tell me that time and time again. I could see him really getting along with my husband and going places together. And taught you a crack. And my dad's a talker and can talk about anything so I could just see them getting along so well. I see those really great qualities in him. But the reality is that those things will never happen. Unless something changes before he dies, they just won't ever know him. And I grieve that I not only grief for myself, but for my family as well, his decision to essentially abandon us and not talk to us. Has been will affect our family for generations to come. And I want to pause to say. You were not crazy for grieving someone who hasn't died. You're not crazy for grieving a loss friendship after 20 years. You're not crazy for grieving that job loss you've experienced. It is completely normal. So shifting gears a little bit, I want to give you some Bible verses that we can always go back to. There are so many Bible verses we can lean on that. Say that God will never leave us or abandon us. So Deuteronomy 31 6. Says the Lord himself goes before you and will be with you. He will never leave you nor forsake. You do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged. Genesis 28, 15 behold. I'm with you and we'll keep you wherever you go. And we'll bring you back to this land. For, I will not leave you until I have done, but I have promised you. First Kings 8 57. It says, may the Lord, our God be with you as he was with our ancestors. May he never leave us or abandoned us? And Hebrews 13, five. I will never leave you nor forsake you. Even though we may have been abandoned by someone, even if it's our friendship with someone is over. Whether we've had a job loss, a financial loss, um, God will never leave us. He'll never want to leave our side. We may have zero friends or family members around you might be completely by yourself, but I want to encourage you that God will never leave you alone. Even when you're grieving. He is right there and we can talk to him at any time or any place. I also want to encourage you and myself. But God knows what's best for us. And he has a plan for each and every one of us. Jeremiah 29 11, 1 of the most well loved versus says. For, I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future. We can, 100% rely on God to always have a plan for us. Even if that plan doesn't line up with what we think our life should look like. Maybe he let my database to me and abandoned my future family. Because God knew that I would one day record this podcast episode, and that would impact someone out there. Even just one listener to come closer to him. I may never know why God let my dad not be a part of my life. And I probably won't know until I'm in heaven and that's okay with me. Even though I still grieve the loss of him. I'm at peace, knowing that I don't need to have all the answers figured out it is. Okay. In the grand scheme of life in eternity, it is okay. That I don't know the answers. So let's get on with some tangible stuff, some coping skills that we can use when we are grieving someone or something, or even a life that we once had. So I want to preface this by saying that these things won't necessarily take away the sad and deep thoughts that you may have. But they can't help distract you from the pain. I don't want to distract yourself too much. There's a balance. But do you know that if you just need to get by for the next few days, or if you need to stop yourself from sobbing? These things can be really beneficial to you. The first. I try to remind myself of the good things in life. Even if I didn't revolve around my dad. Um, now you can certainly remind yourself of the good things about that person in your life. That you're grieving. So I can certainly look back on some memories and realize all the fun that we had and everything that I learned from him. Um, I can absolutely remember that as good and happy memories and be thankful for them. I can also look at good things in life that don't revolve around my dad. So I mentioned earlier that while unpacking and going through that same box, I found a ton of really great cards and notes from older friends. Some friends that I haven't talked to in a long time. And I found that birthday invite for that pool party from the nineties. And I had such great memories come from that. I actually messaged the girl who sent me the invite. I sent her a message on Facebook and sent her a picture of the birthday invite. And how much of a flashback that was, and this friend, she moved away in middle school. And when I say she moved to the next county over, so I really never saw her again. For many, many years, I would just see her randomly around town. So we had lost that friendship. Um, but she seemed so happy that I sent her that invite and even said that she was happy. That I had a happy memory of her. So I think even me thinking about the good things it made her day too. So that's nice. I think about. You can also sit in silence. Sit with a blanket or two covering you or a weighted blanket and feel the warmth to simulate a good hug. Sometimes we just need a good hug. And if we can't get that immediately from a person, a good blanket, we'll take care of them. Something I really love to do. And that actually really helps me. I like to wash my face and do a full on skincare routine. So you can take care of yourself. I don't know why, but doing a full on skincare routine and taking a really long and hot shower, it just does something for me. It really perks me up and gives me a little boost in my mood. Plus it can be religious distracting to this negative thought that you may be having. You can also type out your feelings in a journal. This is exactly how I got this podcasts outline. I knew that there had to be others like me, who maybe even felt guilty, that they were grieving an old friend or family member who was still alive. But they have no relationship with. You might even feel silly, but you don't need to feel that way. I completely understand where you're coming from. And journaling can help us relieve this negative thoughts. We can also journal about those good things. Like I talked about earlier. There's a lot of science out there about journaling and how it can actually affect our brain chemistry for the good. So even though I need to practice what I preach, because I don't do it nearly enough, it really can be beneficial to us. And I want you to know, like I said earlier, That this is normal. God created us to be social beings and for our families to be intact. I personally think that as much as this sucks, it's a good thing that we grieve, because that means that there's a part of that person that we did once. Love. Or even currently love. If you don't care about that person at all, then he more than likely wouldn't be grieving them. So keep that in mind. God, I pray that we all know the love that you have for us. I pray that even though we may grieve someone or something, That we know that you will never leave us or abandon us. We know that we have many biblical examples to learn from and to lean on. God, we might be grieving the life that we once had a life before loss or a life before we were diagnosed with a mental health condition. God, please remind us that you were plans are never to harm us, but they are there to prosper us. Please also remind us that it's okay to grieve those things in life and that we know that once we're in heaven, we won't be grieving anymore. There will be no more pain or suffering for us. And I can't wait for that day. I pray that this episode encouraged him one out there to realize the love that you have for us. Amen. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you would like to support this podcast, please consider clicking on the link in the description area. If either apple podcast or Spotify or wherever you're listening from. This is a way where you can make a difference and help someone who might be struggling with their mental health. Also, if you will, please leave a review of this podcast, it really helps spread the word about this to others. And believe it or not, it actually makes it visible to others is they can find it. I'll talk to you guys next week.