Episode 40: The Parent Who Can't Let Go of Their 40 Kids (Because They're Literally Attached)

In this fortnightly episode of "When Aliens Come to Tea," host Felix Andromeda sits down with Fleeb Parental-Unit-Prime, a Sporonite parent who gives new meaning to "helicopter parenting" - they're raising 40 offspring who are physically attached to their body and cannot be separated.

This darkly hilarious conversation explores what happens when attachment parenting becomes literal. Discover the chaos of managing 40 simultaneous personalities sharing one nervous system, the diplomatic disaster when all offspring hit puberty at once during the Galactic Peace Summit (causing a ceremonial hat to achieve sentience), and why human concepts like "empty nest syndrome" and "time-outs" baffle this cellular family unit.

Topics covered:

• The challenges of budding reproduction and cellular democracy

• Dating disasters with 40 permanent chaperones

• The infamous "ham incident" and offspring #31's carnivorous phase

• Live emergence of offspring #41 during recording

• Managing 40 different opinions on cryptocurrency

• Why babysitters are a terrifying concept to Sporonites

• Bedtime negotiations that require parliamentary procedure

This episode blends absurdist humor with surprisingly touching moments about universal parenting struggles. Perfect for fans of science fiction podcasts, Douglas Adams-style comedy, and anyone who's ever felt like parenting is driving them to cellular division.

Keywords: science fiction podcast, space opera, alien stories, comedy sci-fi, parenting humor podcast, intergalactic comedy, futuristic storytelling, cosmic horror comedy, extreme parenting, attachment parenting satire

Transcript

"WARNING: 0:02

This episode contains forty arguing offspring, zero personal space, and one parent who hasn't slept since Galactic Cycle 2847. Side effects may include sympathy exhaustion and involuntary birth control.""Across the stars, through your speakers, and straight into what might be the galaxy's most chaotic parent-teacher conference... Welcome to When Aliens Come to Tea! Where the tea is hot, the conversations flow, and today's guest brings their own studio audience. Literally. I'm Felix Andromeda - your host, certified tea enthusiast, and currently wondering if my insurance covers 'spontaneous cellular division incidents' and why STEEP installed a bench instead of a chair. Oh. Right. Party of forty.""Why can't I metabolize like the humans?""Because you're a SHOULDER!""Today, we're exploring the universal experience of parenthood with someone who takes 'helicopter parenting' to a whole new level - because they can't physically detach from their kids!""Our guest today is Mx. Fleeb Parental-Unit-Prime, a Sporonite from the Mitosis Moons who's currently raising thirty-nine offspring. Simultaneously. On their person. They're a bestselling author - 'What to Expect When You're Expecting Yourself' has helped millions navigate the challenges of budding reproduction. They're also the being whose attempt to maintain composure during the Galactic Peace Summit while all thirty-nine offspring hit puberty at once has been viewed over twelve billion times. The memes alone have their own subcategory on RedditGalactica."I never asked to be budded!""Well I never asked for YOU to be budded!" Today, we'll be diving into the joys and challenges of parenting when you can't send them to their room because they ARE a room. We'll explore what happens when your dating profile has to include 'comes with thirty-nine built-in chaperones,' and why Fleeb believes empty nest syndrome is just 'a failure of proper cellular adhesion.'""So whether you're struggling with one teenager or thirty-nine, grab your favorite calming beverage - Fleeb's brought their own, it's... is that photosynthesis solution?... Right.

Today's big question: 2:41

When every family dinner is literally on you, how do you find moments of peace? And more importantly... what exactly happened at last week's family reunion that required three biohazard teams and a formal apology to the Centauri ambassador?""This is When Aliens Come to Tea. Let's see if we can all keep it together... unlike our guest.""HEY!""I'm gonna tell this story MY way!""You absolutely will not. Back to my shoulder blade this instant!""Welcome, Fleeb! And welcome to... one, two, three... thirty... nine... all thirty-nine of you as well. STEEP has arranged what I can only describe as a bench-sofa hybrid situation. Are you all comfortable, or should I be addressing specific sections?""The left armrest is too high!""That's because YOU'RE sitting on it wrong!""I can't see!""Everyone, please! We discussed this. Studio voices only. That means whispers or—""YOU'RE NOT WHISPERING!" I apologize, Felix. That's Seven - going through a particularly literal phase. They're all comfortable. Mostly. Probably.""No apologies necessary! It's like hosting a panel discussion where the panelists can't leave. Now, I see you've brought your own photosynthesis solution. Very wise - our tea selection doesn't include anything that actively converts light into nutrients. Though I should mention - STEEP, our studio AI, did attempt to irradiate Earl Grey earlier. STEEP, that's not what 'sun tea' means.""Noted. Solar radiation levels returning to baseline. The Earl Grey's mild mutations have been contained.""Oh, how thoughtful to try! On Sporos XII, we have a saying:'The best tea is the one that grows with you.' Though in our case, that's... quite literal.""Is there a particular spectrum of light that pairs best with conversation? Should I adjust the studio lighting for optimal... flavor?""Oh, you're very kind! A bit more ultraviolet would be lovely, if possible. It helps with the anxiety. Theirs, not mine. I'm beyond anxiety. I've achieved a state of perpetual low-grade concern.""That's not true! Yesterday you achieved high-grade panic when I tried to become carnivorous!""That's Thirty-One, my dietary experimenter. We don't talk about the ham incident.""Before we dive deeper, I have to ask - I notice you're actively sprouting what appears to be offspring number forty? During our pre-interview, you were at thirty-nine. Should we expect any surprise arrivals during today's recording?""Ah, you noticed. Yes, that's forty. They're not due for another week, but the stress of travel seems to have... accelerated things. Don't worry, it's a very quiet process.""HELLO WORLD! I HAVE OPINIONS!" Ahh! And that's Forty. They always emerge with opinions.""Right, so for our listeners - imagine being pregnant, except the baby can already argue with you about your life choices. Actually, several of them seem to be arguing right now. What are they debating?""They're debating whether my Motivational Speaking Award should be considered a family achievement. The ones saying 'it is' are mostly on my right side, the opposition is concentrated on my left shoulder region—""IT IS!""IT ISN'T!""WHO ASKED YOU?""Speaking of which - you're a motivational speaker specializing in 'Patience Through Cellular Division.' Give us your elevator pitch - bearing in mind that some of your audience is literally attached to you in that elevator.""Thank you for asking! I help fellow cellular dividers find peace in the chaos of constant companionship. My three-step program teaches you how to maintain your identity when you're never alone, set boundaries when those boundaries are literally your skin, and find moments of tranquility even when—""Even when your left shoulder won't SHUT UP about cryptocurrency!""It's the future of intergalactic finance!""They've been saying that for six hundred years!""That's Seven with the accusations, Eleven on my left shoulder with the crypto obsession, and Twenty-Three with the historical context. To be fair, Eleven has been particularly obsessed since discovering ancient Earth Reddit posts from the 21st century.""Any day now!""...even when facing constant interruptions.""So if I understand correctly - you teach other beings how to maintain sanity when your teenagers can't storm off to their room because they ARE a room?... That's either the most niche job in the galaxy or the most universally needed one.""Oh, it's surprisingly universal! You'd be amazed how many species deal with attachment issues. Though admittedly, ours are more... literal.""Your book 'What to Expect When You're Expecting Yourself' - was that written from personal experience, or did you have to interview other Sporonites while their offspring literally talked over them?""Both! The chapter on 'Managing Conflicting Nap Schedules' took six months to write because I could only work when at least sixty percent of them were asleep. The index alone required three meditation retreats.""Tell them about the time you tried to use voice recognition software!""Ah yes, Twenty-Two loves this story. The software transcribed twelve different arguments about proper punctuation instead of my actual words.""Now, I've seen the footage from the Galactic Peace Summit. All thirty-nine hitting puberty simultaneously during your keynote on 'Cellular Harmony.' The memes are legendary. But before we get to that beautiful disaster, how does one even prepare for a speaking engagement when your hecklers are built-in?""We weren't heckling, we were CONTRIBUTING!""Yeah! Our interpretive dance about hormonal fluctuations was ART!""I stand corrected by...?""Seven again, and Nineteen - they're the creative ones. Unfortunately.""Listeners, quick task - look at your non-dominant elbow and imagine it suddenly developing opinions about your career choices. How would you ground it? Send us your disciplinary strategies - STEEP is compiling a database of 'Appendage Management Techniques' for reasons that are becoming increasingly clear."

"Database initialized. Current entries: 9:19

zero. Humans appear reluctant to discipline their joints. This seems like a significant evolutionary oversight.""Oh, you'd be surprised how quickly that changes when your elbow starts a podcast about your embarrassing childhood memories!""That's a great idea!""NO. And that's Thirty-Three, everyone. They're why we have a household ban on recording equipment.""Oh, for the love of Earl Grey - did someone just attempt to pour their own tea?""I have tentacles! I can do things!""Seven, we've discussed this. Tentacle privileges are earned, not assumed.""Right, let's dive into your journey before anyone else develops opposable thumbs. Or tentacles. Or... actually, what other surprises should I be prepared for?""Well, Thirty-Two can briefly become invisible when embarrassed, and Twenty-Five hiccups in colors...""Are those... musical hiccups?""Each color has a different sound. That was red, blue, and yellow from Twenty-Five.""And that's... purple. It's less dignified.""Fascinating. Chromesthetic hiccups detected. Recording for the medical database.""Brilliant. STEEP, maybe prepare some... what exactly does one prepare for musical rainbow hiccups?""Calculating... Error. No existing protocol found. This podcast's insurance premiums just increased by twelve percent.""Worth every credit. Now then, Fleeb, let's hear about your journey to becoming the galaxy's most patient parent...""Fleeb, most Sporonites have what - five to ten offspring over their lifetime? You're at forty and counting. When did you first realize your reproductive experience was going to be... different?""Different? We prefer 'mathematically impressive!'""That's Seventeen, my statistician. They emerged calculating their own probability of existence.""One in 4.7 million!""I suppose I first knew something was unusual when I hit offspring number fifteen. My spawning-parent pulled me aside at a family gathering - picture sixty-seven Sporonites trying to fit in one dwelling...""Sixty-seven? That's a lot of photosynthesis in one room.""The windows were fogged for days. Anyway, they actually brought medical scanners, convinced I had some sort of... reproductive enthusiasm disorder. When the scans showed everything was normal, just prolific, my uncle started a betting pool on when I'd hit fifty.""Did your family try to... help?""At offspring twenty-three, they staged an intervention. With charts. Pie charts, bar graphs, one ambitious cousin made a 3D holographic projection of my 'unsustainable growth pattern.'""I was the pie chart baby! They used my emergence as a data point!""Yes, Twenty-three took that very personally. The intervention lasted four hours. Every time someone tried to speak, another offspring would interrupt with corrections to their statistical models. Seventeen had taught themselves advanced mathematics just to argue more effectively.""Their methodology was flawed! They failed to account for exponential joy quotients!""How did you handle that? Having your entire family essentially tell you you're reproducing wrong?""I didn't, at first. Two weeks later, I was at the Sporos XII Department of Cellular Registration, trying to file paperwork for offspring thirty through thirty-five. The clerk asked me to list each one's preferred pronouns, dietary restrictions, and career aspirations. Simple enough, right?""I'm sensing it wasn't.""Thirty-two announced they identified as non-corporeal. Thirty-three declared their career goal was to become my spleen. Thirty-four started eating the paperwork. And Thirty-five... just started performing.""It was called 'The Ballad of Bureaucratic Futility!'""Right there in the office. I stood there, forms half-eaten, offspring performing interpretive dance about documentation, and I just... broke. Started laughing. Couldn't stop. The poor clerk didn't know whether to call security or a medical team.""That sounds like a breaking point.""It was. But also... freeing? I realized I could either spend my existence apologizing for my chaos or embrace it. That's when I started writing the book.""Speaking of chaos, I've seen the footage from the Galactic Peace Summit. You're at the podium, looking professional, and then... something happens. The video quality gets a bit chaotic around the fourteen-minute mark.""Oh, you want to hear about the puberty incident.""It wasn't our fault!""We were expressing ourselves!""Tell them about the ambassador's hat!""All of those voices just then - how many offspring was that?""At least three. They like to relive their... collective achievement. So, picture this: I'm giving my keynote on 'Cellular Harmony in a Chaotic Universe.' The irony was not lost on me. I'd gotten through my introduction, the meditation exercise went well—""I maintained perfect stillness for six whole minutes!""That's Eleven, my left shoulder resident. Yes, you did wonderfully. Until minute seven.""What happened at minute seven?""I was mid-sentence - 'The key to cellular harmony is accepting each offspring as an individual expression of your genetic potential' - when I felt this... tingling. All thirty-nine of them had been unusually quiet that morning. I should have known.""We were synchronizing!""Seven - my tentacle-ambitious one - just admitted to conspiracy. They'd somehow coordinated their hormonal cycles to hit puberty. Simultaneously. At the galaxy's most important diplomatic gathering.""All thirty-nine at once? Is that even biologically possible?""The xenobiologists are still writing papers. First, their voices started changing - imagine thirty-nine voices cracking in thirty-nine different octaves. The Melodian ambassador's translator crashed immediately."

"Archive footage confirms: 15:44

audio frequency damage to seventeen translation devices.""Then came the growth spurts. Twenty-three shot up three inches in four seconds and started interpretive dancing about 'the loneliness of sudden altitude.' Nineteen began sprouting what they called 'aesthetic tentacles.' The Rigellian delegation thought it was an assassination attempt.""How long did this last?""Ninety seconds of pure biological chaos. By the end, the Zephyr Queen's security had drawn weapons, three pillars were having an existential crisis—""Pubescent Sporonite hormones can destabilize molecular bonds! It's science!""And the Centauri ambassador's ceremonial hat... well. It achieved sentience. Briefly. Then it fled.""The hat... fled?""Scuttled right out of the convention center. They found it three days later, living in a fountain, writing poetry.""Was the poetry any good?""That's Twenty-Seven - always interested in the arts. And yes, actually. Very moving verses about the impermanence of haberdashery.""What's poetry?""And that's Forty, who's only been with us for about twenty minutes. Poetry is... well, Twenty-Seven can explain it to you later.""Oh! I have SO many examples!""Later, dear.""That level of chaos would break most people. But you turned it into a career helping others. What changed?""It was right after the summit disaster. I was at my first book signing, convinced no one would show up. Who'd want parenting advice from someone whose offspring caused a diplomatic incident?""But people came?""One person. A Hexapod parent, carrying their six offspring in various appendages. They looked... exhausted. That bone-deep tired only parents know. They held my book and just started crying. Six eyes, all leaking.""They said, 'I can't do this. They won't stop debating. Every decision is a democracy. Bedtime takes four hours of parliamentary procedure.' And before I could respond, something amazing happened.""What?""My offspring went silent. All thirty-nine. Then, without any signal, they all reached out. Forty sets of arms, tentacles, and pseudopods, surrounding this one overwhelmed parent.""Group hug protocol activated!""Even Eleven stopped talking about cryptocurrency. Seventeen offered statistical proof that the parent was doing better than 73% of multi-offspring carriers. That's when I realized - our chaos could be a gift. If we could survive this, even find joy in it, maybe we could help others find their way too.""That's beautiful. And now you travel the galaxy, teaching other parents that chaos is survivable?""More than survivable. Sometimes, the chaos is where the love lives. Between the arguments, the simultaneous puberty, the attempted carnivorous phases—""Ham looked delicious!""That's Thirty-One. We'll save that story for another time. The point is, every moment of chaos is also a moment of connection. Even when they're trying to establish sovereign nations on my shoulders.""Wait, sovereign nations?""Later. Much later.""Before we explore cultural differences, I have to ask - your offspring have been remarkably well-behaved during our conversation. Well, relatively speaking."

"Behavioral incident count: 19:15

Only forty-three. Significant improvement from preliminary projections.""We're trying our best!""And doing wonderfully. Now, let's talk about how different species react to your unique approach to parenting..." Okay, okay, okay... Hi everyone! Blorg Whistlebottom here, and I need to tell you about the SINGLE WORST PURCHASE of my 347-year lifespan! Two cycles ago, I bought the Instant Neural Language Implant 5.0™ from a pop-up kiosk on Betelgeuse Prime. The salescreature PROMISED I'd be fluent in over 80,000 languages instantly! "Impress your in-laws!" he said."Close business deals across the galaxy!" he said. Well, TECHNICALLY it works. I can now speak EVERY language... AT THE SAME TIME. ALL THE TIME! Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to order coffee when you're simultaneously speaking Klingon, Ancient Sumerian, and Dolphin? Yesterday I tried to say "Good morning" to my neighbor and accidentally declared war on his planet, proposed marriage to his shuttle craft, AND ordered forty-seven tons of fermented moss! My therapy sessions are a NIGHTMARE! My counselor needs THREE translators just to figure out which emotional breakdown I'm having! Last week I cried in seventeen languages - half of them were just different dialects of SCREAMING! But the WORST part? The uninstall process requires approval from EVERY species whose language I'm speaking. That's 80,000 forms! In 80,000 languages! That I can't stop speaking simultaneously! Instant Neural Language Implant 5.0™ - Because the Tower of Babel was apparently an ASPIRATION!"Now, I imagine Earth parenting customs must seem... peculiar to someone who literally cannot put their children down for a nap. What human parenting practice baffles you most?""Oh, Felix, where do I begin? But the one that keeps me awake - well, all forty of us awake - is this concept of 'empty nest syndrome.'""The mathematical improbability of it!""That's Seventeen again. But they have a point. I've studied your species' parenting broadcasts- these 'reality shows' STEEP recommended—""The data set included 'Supernanny,' 'Wife Swap,' and 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians.' A comprehensive cross-section of human parenting.""That's... not exactly representative—""Your species deliberately raises offspring for approximately two decades, invests enormous resources in their development, forms deep emotional bonds... and then celebrates when they leave? Followed immediately by profound grief?""Well, when you put it like that—""Is this perhaps a form of ritualistic suffering? A test of emotional endurance? On Sporos XII, we have endurance rituals, but they usually involve volcanic mud, not self-imposed separation anxiety.""Maybe it's a tax thing?""Eleven, my cryptocurrency enthusiast, thinks everything is tax-related. But seriously, Felix - you CREATE a being, you NURTURE this being, and then success is measured by... their absence?""It's about growth, independence. We raise our children to not need us, to build their own lives—""But they're your offspring! They should build their lives ON you! Literally! Watch—""See? Thirty-Three just opened an artisanal tentacle-weaving business on my upper back. Location, location, location!""Prime real estate! No rent!""Speaking of which - I have to ask about babysitters. How do you process the concept of paying teenagers to watch children?""This troubles me deeply! You entrust your genetic legacy - your evolutionary future - to adolescents whose prefrontal cortexes aren't fully developed, in exchange for currency?""When you say it like that, it does sound—""On Sporos XII, this would be like asking a half-budded sprouting to perform neural surgery! Is it a trust-building exercise? Exposure therapy? Some form of controlled chaos experiment?""Ooh! Can we babysit each other?""You can't babysit me, I'm older than you by six minutes!""See? Even they understand the hierarchy issues. Please, explain the logic. My analytical processes are causing inflammation in sectors seven through twelve.""Parents need breaks. Date nights, work obligations, mental health—""Mental health REQUIRES separation from offspring? But they ARE my mental processes! Separation would be like... like voluntarily inducing multiple personality disorder!""Which brings me to another puzzling human invention - 'time-outs.' Felix, please illuminate this concept. You isolate the offspring in a corner to contemplate their... cellular inadequacies?""It's not about inadequacy, it's about reflection. Giving them space to calm down, think about their actions—""But solitude is literally impossible for us! Is forced loneliness not considered cruel? When Twenty-Two misbehaves, I can't send them to their room - they ARE a room! A very small, argumentative room on my left knee!""I'm a studio apartment at best!" Haha! "So how DO you handle discipline? When all forty are acting up?""Ah! The Cellular Senate System! A masterpiece of democratic dysfunction. Each body region gets a vote. Major decisions require a two-thirds majority, with veto power reserved for the liver region—""The liver gets veto power?""It processes toxins. It's seen things. It's earned wisdom. But the real challenge is filibustering - any offspring can delay a vote through synchronized hiccupping.""That's them demonstrating. Last week, bedtime was delayed forty-seven minutes because Nineteen filibustered via interpretive dance about the arbitrary nature of circadian rhythms.""It was a STATEMENT!""How do you get anything done?""We don't. That's why I wrote a book. It was either that or develop a drinking problem, and my liver has veto power.""Let's talk about something even more challenging - dating. You mentioned you still try to maintain a romantic life?""Try is the operative word. Imagine, if you will, arriving at a romantic dinner with forty chaperones who share your nervous system.""That must limit the restaurant options.""We require a table for one that seats forty-one. The logistics alone... But that's not the worst part. The pre-date negotiations are brutal. Each offspring has opinions.""Remember Zyx? Three eyes, no personality!""What about Glorb? Nice pheromones, terrible taste in music!""The one who thought we were a hive mind was pretty—""THANK YOU for the demonstration! See? And this is BEFORE the date. During the actual encounter, I implement designated 'silence zones' - specific times when commentary is forbidden.""Does that work?""Would you like to hear about the Great Whispering Rebellion of last cycle? All my offspring discovered they could technically comply with silence while still providing running commentary through synchronized eye rolls. Well, it was thirty-nine then. Forty would make it even worse.""My last date ended when Twenty-Seven performed an unsolicited interpretive dance about my past relationship failures. On the table. During dessert.""It was constructive criticism through movement!""But surely education is easier? When you're all learning together?" Ah, yes! Osmotic learning! Knowledge literally passes through our cellular walls. Very efficient!""That sounds amazing—""Until you realize everyone knows everyone's test scores instantly. No hiding report cards! When Thirty-One failed their xenobiology exam, we ALL felt the shame. Physically. My spleen cramped for days.""The questions were biased against carnivores!""You're not a carnivore!""I'm exploring my identity!""Calculating cellular information transfer rates... Approximately 2.7 gigabytes per minute. Impressive, but significant packet loss during emotional distress.""Is there a Sporonite saying that captures your approach to this... coordinated chaos?""Yes. 'The branch that bends together, grows in all directions but breaks never.'""It means unity!""It means flexibility!""It means Dad can't reach his own back!""It's about love!""It's about lower back pain!""As you can see, interpretation varies by region.""But Felix, something puzzles me about human philosophy. This obsession with'finding yourself' - but you're already... there? Right there, in one convenient body?""It's metaphorical—""This metaphysical hide-and-seek!'I need to find myself,' humans say. We say, 'I need to count myself.' Much more practical. Though sometimes we're off by one or two.""Tuesday's count was forty-three!""That was a counting error, dear. Someone counted my elbows as separate entities.""Elbows have rights!""When humans say me time, we mean time alone to—""But WHICH me? This seems inefficient. When I need 'me time,' I have to specify:'Upper shoulder me needs reflection, lower back me requires stretching, left kidney me wants to scream into the void.'""Fleeb, you pride yourself on cellular efficiency, but doesn't managing forty simultaneous debates about breakfast slow things down considerably?""We utilize parallel processing! Multi-threaded consciousness! Each region can debate different meal options simultaneously—""Last Tuesday, choosing a restaurant took seven hours!""Seven and a half!""We missed three meal times during the debate!""The Pancake Parliament of last month is... not our finest moment. But we did achieve unanimous agreement! Eventually. After two filibusters and one attempted secession.""Secession?""My left ankle wanted autonomy. We negotiated a trade deal instead.""Despite all these differences, what's one thing Sporonite and human parents absolutely share?""The 3 AM worry.""That moment in the dark when you wonder if you're doing enough, being enough. When one of them has a nightmare - we all feel it. The pride when they achieve something small - we all share it. The exhaustion—""We all feel that too.""Every parent, whether they carry their offspring externally or internally, knows that specific fear - are we preparing them for a universe that will challenge them? Are we—""What's 3 AM?""Is that Earth time?""Can we eat it?""And the moment passes.""Speaking of universal experiences, I think it's time for today's Tea Time Conundrum. STEEP, are you tracking all forty... wait, is that forty-one now?""No, still forty. But Forty-One is at approximately sixty percent development. Give it ten minutes...""I bet it's twins!""You can't have twins of yourself!""Actually, that happened once on my mother's side—""And that's a story for another time! Let's see what philosophical puzzle we have brewing...""And now, it's time for our Tea Time Conundrum - where we ponder the universe's most perplexing puzzles while our tea gets cold. Or in Fleeb's case, while their photosynthesis solution reaches optimal UV absorption.""It's actually past optimal. Someone kept fidgeting during the cultural exchange.""Fidgeting is a form of expression!" Hahaha!"Last episode, we received a fascinating puzzle from a Temporal Tea Merchant about 'Retroactive Beverage Anxiety.' To recap: imagine a tea ceremony so elaborate it requires three days of preparation - meditation, form-filing, ancestral consultations, achieving perfect gravitational alignment - but the tea itself only stays optimally steeped for exactly 3.7 seconds before becoming 'experientially obsolete.'""Oh, I relate to this deeply! Getting all forty offspring ready for anything is like that. By the time the last one is prepared, the first thirty need to start over.""Last week's beach trip took four hours of sunscreen application!""You don't even have skin on sector seven!""To answer the merchant's question - the ritual IS the purpose. The tea is just punctuation. Like how human 'quick coffees' last three hours.""That's... actually quite insightful. STEEP, any memorable responses from our listeners?""Indeed. Listener 'SporelingDad42' suggests the solution is simple: 'Have offspring. All beverages become retroactively cold anyway.' Listener 'TemporallyDisplaced' theorizes the tea exists in quantum superposition - simultaneously perfect and ruined until observed, much like Schrödinger's Earl Grey. The Collective Consciousness of Caffeinated Beings Local 507 has filed a formal complaint about 'unrealistic steeping expectations' and demands hazard pay for any tea leaf required to maintain perfection for under four seconds.""Ooh! Quantum tea! Can we get some?""We are NOT adding temporal paradoxes to our morning routine.""Right then! This fortnight's conundrum comes from a listener on Space Station Veritas-7, home of the Authenticity Syndicate. Oh, this is a doozy.""The Authenticity Syndicate has developed 'TrueTone' glasses that show you a color-coded

aura around everyone you interact with: 34:20

gold for when they're being completely genuine, shifting through amber to deep purple when they're performing, masking, or telling social white lies. You'd see when your boss really likes your idea versus being polite, when your date is truly interested or just being kind, when your family members are happy to see you or fulfilling obligation.""We want those!""No we don't!""I'm being genuine about not wanting them!""Oh no. No, no, no.""But here's the catch - they can see your colors too. Would this radical honesty create deeper, more meaningful relationships, or would seeing how much of social life is performance destroy the beautiful illusions that help us connect?""This would be a disaster! Can you imagine forty different authenticity readings on one body?""How would that even work?""I'd look like a deranged rainbow! My left shoulder genuinely loves visiting the in-laws—""They have excellent investment portfolios!""—while my right knee would be deep purple with dread. My spine wants to leave, my elbows are people-pleasing amber, and my ankles are just confused!""What color is exhaustion?""Probably beige.""Calculating chromatic possibilities for a forty-unit consciousness... Error. Spectrum

insufficient. Creating new colors: 35:42

'Ultraplaid' and 'Infra-paisley.'""But wait - what about baby Forty? They're only an hour old.""I like lights!""They'd be pure gold. Babies can't lie. They just... are.""Give it a week.""I bet I stayed gold for at least ten days!""You came out complaining about the temperature!""Actually, these glasses would just confirm what we already know - everyone's authentic and performing simultaneously. We contain multitudes. Literally, in my case.""So would you want them?""Absolutely not. We already share a nervous system. Adding a color-coded honesty system would be like... like...""Like adding a laugh track to a funeral?""Exactly. Thank you, Twenty-Two.""Listeners, we want your takes on this chromatic conundrum! Especially from any multi-consciousness beings, hive minds, or anyone who's ever wished their teenager came with a honesty meter.""Submit answers via interpretive dance!""Color-coded hiccups!""Synchronized eyebrow movements!""All submission formats accepted. Results will be sorted by authenticity gradient and species-specific color perception. Note: Submissions from beings who see in ultraviolet only will be adjusted for human visual limitations.""Send your responses to our subspace mailbox. And remember - whether you're gold, purple, or Fleeb's newly invented 'ultraplaid,' we're all just doing our best. Speaking of which, I think it's time for some rapid-fire questions before anyone else develops new parts of the visible spectrum...""Oh good. Forty simultaneous rapid responses. What could go wrong?" Are you tired of dying... permanently? Introducing ReSpawn Premium Plus™ - the galaxy's most trusted consciousness backup service! Since 2847, billions of satisfied customers have trusted us with their neural patterns, genetic templates, and essential soul particles. Our state-of-the-art quantum servers ensure that when you meet your untimely demise - whether by asteroid, angry ex-spouse, or experimental cuisine - you'll be back in a fresh clone body within 3-5 business days!

Choose from our THREE convenient packages: 38:11

BASIC - Returns you with all your memories intact, minus that embarrassing thing you did at the office party. You know the one. DELUXE - Includes memory restoration PLUS your choice of minor genetic improvements! Customers report 23% fewer nose tentacles and 40% more confidence at karaoke! PLATINUM - Our premium package includes all Deluxe features PLUS the ability to customize your respawn location! Why return to your mother-in-law's asteroid when you could materialize on a tropical moon? Travel fees not included. But wait! Call in the next solar rotation and we'll throw in our patented Death Detection Collar absolutely FREE! Never worry about rotting for weeks before someone notices you're dead again! ReSpawn Premium Plus™ - Because YOLO is SO last millennium! Not responsible for souls respawning in wrong bodies, unexpected species changes, or that lingering feeling you've forgotten something important. Some users report persistent déjà vu, fear of breakfast cereals, and the inability to recognize their own reflection. Please die responsibly."Alright! Time for the Rapid Fire Tea Round! The rules are simple - first thought, no overthinking, and Fleeb... offspring interruptions absolutely count as answers. Ready?""I don't think we have a choice—""WE'RE READY!""BORN READY!""WHAT'S READY?""Perfect! Here we go! Question one: Bedtime - describe in ONE WORD!""Imposs—""CHAOS!""NIGHTMARE!""THEORETICAL!""WRESTLING!""DEMOCRACY!""LOUD!""NEVER-ENDING!""THAT'S-TWO-WORDS!" Haha! "I heard at least twelve different answers there!""Seventeen distinct responses detected. Also, 'never-ending' is indeed two words."

"Moving on! This or that: 40:00

Vacation preference - quiet retreat or busy resort?""QUIET—""BUSY!""RESORT!""WATERSLIDES!""ROOM SERVICE!""—RETREAT! PLEASE!""My sector votes resort!""Beach vacation!""That's two to thirty-eight. Next! Simple yes or no: Ever pretend to be asleep?""YES!""WE KNEW IT!""LAST TUESDAY!""YOU SNORE DIFFERENTLY WHEN FAKING!""How do you know my fake snore?""Statistical analysis of breathing patterns!""Worst parenting advice you've received - GO!""'Just relax, they'll—'""'—grow out of it!' THEY LIED!""We grew INTO it!""I grew tentacles!""Have you tried NOT having forty children?""Bit late for that advice!""Privacy - define in one word!""Mythical!""What's privacy?""Is it edible?""Pry-vah-see?""It's when you're alone with your thoughts—""BUT WE ARE YOUR THOUGHTS!"

"Right! Discipline style: 40:54

Strict or lenient?""STRICT ON ME!""LENIENT ON ME!""DEPENDS WHO'S ASKING!""SECTOR-BASED DISCRIMINATION!""Democratic compromise!""That's not one of the options!""Most overused parenting phrase - quick!""BECAUSE I SAID SO!""See? You just said it!""That doesn't count!""BECAUSE YOU SAID SO?"

Haha! "Beautiful. Yes or no: 41:16

Miss being alone?""Ye—""WHAT?!""But we love you!""Are we not enough?""I mean, no! Never! You're all perfect!""What's 'alone'?""A theoretical state of singular existence.""Favorite hiding spot?""My left ventricle—""THEY KNOW ABOUT THAT!""We told them!""It's not hiding if we're there too!""Ah! There aren't any."

"Database updated: 41:42

Privacy status - 'Error 404: Not Found.'""Morning person or night person?""I'm—""MORNING!""NIGHT!""AFTERNOON!""DAWN!""DUSK!""3:47 AM SPECIFICALLY!""I'M AN ALL-THE-TIME PERSON!""We work in shifts!"

"Of course you do. One word: 42:02

When do you experience silence?""Death?""THAT'S DARK!""WOW!""TECHNICALLY TRUE!""ARE YOU OKAY?""NEED A HUG?""And finally - if you could give your pre-parent self one warning, what would it be?""Buy earplugs in bulk—""Hey!""Or don't have kids who judge your music taste!""Warn them about the ham incident!""Tell them about me specifically!""Mention the cryptocurrency phase!""—and that every single one would be worth the chaos.""Even me?""Especially you.""Gross. We're having a moment.""Quick, someone make a joke!""Statistical probability of group sentiment lasting: twelve more seconds!""And that's time! Listeners, you've just witnessed democracy in its purest, loudest form. Send your favorite answer with - bonus points if you can identify which offspring said what!""Calculating individual response attribution... Error: Insufficient processing power. Recommend quantum computer upgrade.""Even we can't tell them apart sometimes.""YES YOU CAN!""I'M VERY DISTINCTIVE!""I HAVE TENTACLES!" Haha! "Right, I need more tea. And possibly noise-canceling headphones. Let's wrap up this beautiful chaos...""Well, that's our time! Though time, as we've learned today, is a very relative concept when forty... wait, is that—""Forty-one! Everyone, meet your newest sibling!""DEMOCRACY IS FLAWED!" Already forming opinions. I'm so proud.""Today we've discovered that whether you're raising one child or carrying forty-one shareholders in your own personal democracy, the universal parenting truth remains: we're all just winging it. Even if those wings are literal and currently arguing about cryptocurrency.""Bitcoin is still viable!""SHUT UP, ELEVEN!" Hahaha! If you enjoyed today's cellular chaos, you absolutely must check out Episode 39 with Ambassador Zorp Glorbax. He filed Citation 42-B against human parents for 'Willful Abandonment of Offspring at Designated Holding Facilities' - also known as daycare. His third decorative eye, Reginald, wrote a seventeen-verse haiku about the trauma. STEEP had to create an entirely new filing system just for his parenting-related citations.""Current count: 2,847 citations regarding human childcare practices. His subsection on 'The Suspicious Nature of Baby Monitors' spans forty-three pages. In triplicate. Quadruplicate because it was a Tuesday.""Speaking of safety protocols - join our community discussions using and share your own parenting disasters. Whether you're managing one tiny tyrant or, like Fleeb, running a small nation-state on your shoulders, we want to hear about it!""Tell them about the limb sovereignty movement!""Let's... save that for the bonus content. Now, next time on When Aliens Come to Tea...""We're hosting Dr. Zephyr Multigloom, a being with seven eyes who believes human relationships are mathematically impossible. They've calculated that Felix-plus-teacup equals 'an emotionally insufficient partnership' and plan to fix it with something called 'romantic geometry.'""Pre-interview analysis suggests they will require exactly seven cushions arranged in a perfect heptagon. I have already begun calculating optimal angles. Felix's seating assignment may be... compromised.""Brilliant. From forty-one voices of democracy to seven-dimensional relationship mathematics. My life is perfectly normal.""Before we go - Thirty-Three wants to say something.""Subscribe to the podcast or we'll all sing!""🎵 Weeeee're waaaaaiiiiting... 🎵""You heard them! Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, before they discover harmonics!""Thank you, Fleeb, and all forty-one of you, for reminding us that family is complicated, exhausting, and absolutely worth every chaotic second. Even when they try to go carnivorous.""It was just a phase!""Ham is delicious!""I'm Felix Andromeda, reminding you to keep your tea hot, your minds open, and your offspring count under control. Oh, for the love of Earl Grey... are you all trying to harmonize?""🎵 THANK YOU FOR HAVING USSSSSS! 🎵""They've never agreed on anything before!""LAAAAAA!""Well, that lasted three seconds."