Your Thoughts Your Reality
Welcome to "Your Thoughts, Your Reality with Michael Cole," the podcast that shines a compassionate light on the journey of veterans battling through life's challenges. Michael Cole, a Certified Elite Neuroencoding Specialist, dedicated to guiding military veterans as they navigate the intricate pathways of post-deployment life. Join him as we delve into the profound realm of Neuroencoding science, empowering these brave individuals to conquer universal battles: procrastination, self-doubt, fear, and more. Together, let's uncover the strength within you to re-engage with families and society, forging a new path forward.
Your Thoughts Your Reality
Empowering Personal Insight: Cathy Casteel's Journey from Military Service to Neurotransformational Coaching and Uncovering Hidden Patterns
What hidden benefits might be keeping us trapped in unhealthy patterns? Join us on "Your Thoughts, Your Reality" as we uncover the subtle rewards of these behaviors with the insightful Cathy Casteel, a veteran turned certified neurotransformational coach. Cathy shares her personal journey from military service to coaching, revealing how understanding secondary gains can pave the way for conscious choices and personal transformation. Her insights shed light on how veterans, in particular, can break free from cycles that hold them back and move towards healthier, more fulfilling lives.
Transitioning from military life to civilian life is fraught with challenges, and having a clear plan can prevent feelings of overwhelm. We discuss the often unspoken struggles veterans face, drawing from personal stories and the vital role of support systems. With guidance from Tony Robbins’ Six Human Needs, Cathy and I explore how recognizing primary and secondary gains can cultivate healthier coping mechanisms, emphasizing empathy and the necessity of compassionate guidance. For veterans, understanding these dynamics is crucial to navigating this critical life phase with resilience and confidence.
This episode is not only about challenges but also about the power of empathy and personal growth. We explore how reaching out for support from trusted individuals can spotlight unseen gaps and lead to significant transformation. As we reflect on the idea that life happens for us, not to us, we delve into how belief systems shape our reality and the profound impact of taking the first step toward change. Join us in expressing gratitude for this enlightening discussion, and let’s harness the power of our thoughts to craft our desired reality, setting the stage for future generations.
Welcome to your Thoughts, your Reality with Michael Cole, the podcast that shines a compassionate light on the journey of veterans battling through life's challenges. Michael is a dual elite certified neuro encoding specialist in coaching and keynote training presentations dedicated to guiding military veterans as they navigate the intricate pathways of post-deployment life. Join him as we delve into the profound realm of neuroencoding science, empowering these brave individuals to conquer universal battles procrastination, self-doubt, fear and more. Together, let's uncover the strength within you to re-engage with families and society, forging a new path forward.
Speaker 2:Hello, hello, hello everybody. So I just want to share right now. I am so excited First show of the year and I have Kathy Castillo on here, one of my favorites, so I am very happy to have you, my friend. So just a little bit about Kathy. She's a certified neurotransformational coach with expertise in fostering personal growth and transformation, and we're going to get into that. Empathic transformation. Mentor and self-worth advocate, veteran for over 30 years of military service, specializes in covering secondary gain, which is what we're going to talk about today. So super excited about that. So the hidden benefits of unhealthy patterns and, most important, empowering individuals to break free. So, kathy, welcome. Thank you so much for being on again and tell us a little more about yourself for people that don't know you yet.
Speaker 3:Thank you. Well, first of all, thank you for having me on and thank you for being the first show, yay. The best thing that I can sum it up for people that don't know me is my heart is for service to others. I lived in suffering for so long, not knowing that I had a choice and there was a choice, and once I had that light bulb turned on for me, that has become a huge passion for me to let others know that you have a choice in life. You can choose to live in suffering and not. And if you don't, then awesome. I learned all these cool tools that I can share with you. So you can, you know, live the best life that you were meant to live. Absolutely love it. And you know it's funny. You can, you know, live the best life that you were meant to live.
Speaker 2:Absolutely love it and you know it's funny that we you know, you just said that. Literally I was just having a conversation with my friend, Kat, and she just had this breakthrough. So it's it's really cool that you just brought that up and we're going to really dive into secondary gain today. So a lot of people don't know what secondary gain is, and here's the crazy thing, right, Kathy, is a lot of people live their life without realizing, good or bad, what that secondary gain is and how it's affecting their lives. So let's dive in, shall we?
Speaker 3:Yes, I love it.
Speaker 3:You know I get excited because in our line of work I will share, and I'm sure you understand this like we hear the word secondary gain and then it's almost like you know the words but the dots don't connect.
Speaker 3:And so when we were talking about and mentioning a topic because a lot of people know, me and my husband are both coaches, so we'll talk together and be like, oh, you know, what do we want to talk about? And one of the things he said secondary gains. And I said to him I said, oh my God, I feel like I'm having a mental moment of what secondary gains is. So we started talking and I share that to say because some people may hear the words but just not really understand what secondary gains are. And just a simple explanation is there's everything we do in life is for a gain and sometimes people don't know that we have the surface gain, that we see why we're doing something, and there's also a secondary gain, sometimes a tertiary gain, in whatever it is that we're doing, and it can be a healthy way and it can be a disempowering way. So the importance is knowing which is which, having that awareness absolutely so.
Speaker 2:thank you for for that and it's a great explanation because, honestly, unless you're in, you know the, the, the coaching world, or the training or, um, the neuro world, if you will, you know, with steve linder and those amazing people is most people don't have a clue what that means. Truly, you know, I didn't, I'll own it.
Speaker 2:I didn't, you know, until I got involved in the Neuroencoding Institute and being a teller against Steve Linder and all those amazing people, I had no clue. And it's really powerful when you get out of victim mode, first of all, if you're there, because that's absolutely disabling, but when you get out of victim mode, first of all if you're there, because that's absolutely disabling, but when you get there and you realize and it can make such significant changes in your life. So first, I'd really like to ask you this, because we didn't get into this, because people again some don't know you specifically, like I do, even though you've been on you specifically, like you know I do, even though you've been on the show multiple times and you're an amazing husband what got you involved really? What was the changing moment for you? And maybe let's talk about the secondary game, shall we? What got you involved in coaching from your military service and things?
Speaker 3:um, I think the original, so the intent when I shared, like I had this epiphany, um in 2013, as a matter of fact, when I got really introduced in self-development that it was like this, something that couldn't be satiated.
Speaker 3:I was open to this world.
Speaker 3:That, oh my God, like this is amazing, and what I realized, what got me into that part of the world, into the self-development side, was me and everything I was dealing with, more so on my veteran side, having left the military and dealing with that whole part of my life, everything that I dealt with in the military, now the chapter of leaving the military and retiring and figuring out my new life, and then what shifted for me and wanted to step into it more is that you know, we've talked about this before veterans the military does such a great job bringing you into the military and they do such a horrific job when you leave, and so many of our veterans are leaving the military feeling lost, confused.
Speaker 3:I had a conversation with one, probably about a month or so ago, where and this will be a discussion for another time, but he's in something called the tunnel and he didn't realize he was in the tunnel in his relationship with his wife she's retired military. He just recently retired military. Didn't really have something to move towards a goal and so leaving our veterans out there to to fumble, to use drugs, to use alcohol, to sacrifice relationships, marriages, whatever, because the military wasn't setting them up for success, just really lit a fire under my behind to become a coach and help those that don't know. There's another way.
Speaker 2:And honestly, and I've got chills. You know that's what it touches you, right, that's why I'm doing what I'm doing. It's that transition period. You know that's what it touches you, right? That's why I'm doing what I'm doing. It's that transition period, you know.
Speaker 2:You look at the honeymoon phase, right, the first couple of weeks before, as Les Brown says, life be like right Before life kicks you in the ass and it starts coming at you. Right, it's like you said. And the military has improved. I believe the VA has improved, but they're not even close and that's why I do what I do, because I saw my dad never find help until a year before he died and I never want to see another family or another person another veteran first responder, for that matter go through that. So that transition period, when you go through that transition period and tell me if I'm wrong here, please, we're friends Talk about it. If you have a plan, if you have excited anticipation instead of stress and overwhelm for the future, and what that looks like, does it change? Does it change your life and the people around you instead of being overwhelmed, stressed and anxious and, of course, all of the other things you mentioned leads obviously down to solitary and then a lot of suicide, obviously.
Speaker 3:I will share. So that is part of it. And I love how you say, Les Brown's life be lifin. Because my life be lifin. When I came from deployment and I didn't know, I was in my own little world, thinking life was great. My husband's like something's up with you, girl, Like I don't know what's going on, but we're going to make a trip down to the VA, a trip down to the VA, and that's really before I got into self-development. That was my one of my first appointments married and I came back and I went and saw a psychologist and she didn't get me. She had never deployed, she didn't understand. And so I To your point.
Speaker 3:Yes, it does help with the right people to get you out of overwhelm and see, and it also helps for those that aren't necessarily in the military but to hear this and to hear this information, because you can now identify that that veteran's going through that, because life be life. And then they don't know that because life be life. And then they don't know. And so somebody with love and respect can say you know, I don't know what's going on and you don't have to tell me. However, you know, I heard this podcast, you know this great podcast, you're watching a reality and said maybe you might want to talk to somebody and if it's not me, just somebody to bring the awareness. So to your point, yes, there's that piece, but then there's also the unawareness piece of even realizing that and having somebody that loves you and respects you. Come from a place of compassion and no judgment. Come from a place of compassion saying, hey, I think there's a way out if you're open to it and you want it.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, absolutely, amen. So, um, you know, with that said, as far as the secondary game, let's kind of dive in, uh to to more of those details. So, you know, with secondary gain, um, you know, people often talk about the concept of it. Again, a lot of people don't know what it is and we've kind of broken into it. Can we get you know? Maybe we can both share? I know we talked about this a little bit. I didn't, I didn't know you're going to interview me, but that's okay, I love it. So can we talk a little bit about, you know, to give examples so people really understand it, and your amazing husband, you know, just popped up here. Hey, robert, love you to death, brother.
Speaker 3:You up here, hey Robert, love you to death. Brother, you know judgment is a stopper of healing, absolutely, absolutely. Thank you for saying that. I will share first, before we get into secondary gains. It's important because not everybody has heard of Tony Robbins' Six Human Needs and that is massive, like it's on YouTube.
Speaker 3:If nothing else, please at least Google what the six human needs are and I'll just cover them quickly, not into detail. There's certainty, uncertainty, there's significance, and then there's a loving connection. Those are the top four, and then there's two underneath, which is contribution and growth, and two of them have to be a driving force. Like in our life, two of those are a driving force. So when we meet what we call a gain, we gain something from what somebody's doing or what we're doing. So I'll give an example For me I volunteer a lot with Team Rubicon.
Speaker 3:Example for me I volunteer a lot with Team Rubicon and for me the gain the primary gain for myself is one of my top driving forces in the six human needs is contribution, service to others. I will meet that at any cost, sometimes healthy and sometimes unhealthy. So there's also a secondary gain for it. For me, the secondary gain is I'm around a lot of veterans that I'm able to have conversations with and see where they're at and maybe build some rapport and understand where they're at. Are they struggling in life?
Speaker 3:And so that my secondary gain is a little bit on what I consider on the selfish side for me and I consider it an empowering way is that I'm able to now figure out with this veteran is that maybe have a conversation with them and at least maybe put a little light bulb in that dark room that they're in or show them that there's another pathway and they don't have to go down that road. There's another pathway and they don't have to go down that road. So for me that's an example of like my primary game and my secondary game. So I know we talked about this. Michael, I would love to hear what your primary gain and if there's a secondary gain to you having this podcast.
Speaker 2:You know, for me, I think, literally, you know again, like you, it's contribution. I get so much fulfillment on just helping people, creating that ripple effect, dropping seeds for trees to grow later. You know that's a really huge one. That's just service to others. The secondary gain for me is really that connection and fulfillment, I think, with really filling my heart with the connecting with just different people, hearing their stories, which guess what? Again, like you, it helps me Because, just like conversations like this, you don't know who you're going to connect with or who you're going to talk to or who you're going to touch in a positive way.
Speaker 2:That's going to make that change. And so that happens for me with every guest. You know I, I sit here, I look forward to talking to kathy steel and robert steel and and you know, you know, yvette yolo, who popped up here as well, and so on. You know I get, and, of course, the amazing husband, dave, I, I, I, really it fills my cup. So those are, those are, those are my gains and secondary gains, I think you know, um, and again, it's, it's, it's not to be selfish and it can be, I guess, the gain, but is it like you?
Speaker 3:And are there worse ways to be selfish? Right, and Pitbull had a great expression. He says and I heard this, I don't know why this stuck in my head, these things that just stick in your head like your spleen splaining. You know, these things that just stick in your head is it's okay to be selfless, it's not selfish to be selfless, it's okay to fill your cup up, how, how you fill it up. And I do want people to know, yes, both of us do have some healthy ones, and I'm sure if I sat down long enough, I could 100% come up with some disempowering ones for you. And just to give an example so people can understand, maybe a disempowering one is so we have a lot of veterans that, and I have friends that have witnessed someone being killed in front of them, and so they take on and then they come home but their, their buddy doesn't, whether it's male or female, and so then they take it on themselves of, you know, beating themselves up because they may at home and the other person didn't.
Speaker 3:And in our line of work we call this victim mode, and I use that word. That's what we use in the coaching industry. We get into victim mode, and victim mode does give us a secondary gain. By remaining in victim mode, you're getting empathy, sympathy, whatever you want from others. In victim mode, you're getting empathy, sympathy, whatever you want from others torturing yourself because you feel you need to be tortured and you're gaining significance by it. In other words, other people are feeling sorry for you or want to help you, and that does create some significance around it.
Speaker 3:Now do I say you know, don't live in that space. We all have a space, a home that we go to temporarily. When things, bad things are, happen, we go to a temporary home. What I tell my coaching clients is don't take up homage there. It's okay to go and visit that home. We're human. We're going to have those moments. Just don't take up homage and live there, because that's you deserve more out of life and the person your battle buddy would rather see you succeed in life and be happy than both of you having died on that battlefield that day.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, and you know it's it's. We go there because it's comfortable, right? Because, like you say, it's home. So just to add to it, don't turn on the TV, get some popcorn and get in the chair and take a nap there, because it can very easily turn into your identity. And that's when it's a problem, you know, because that's when it's the way you live and it's when you look at it and sometimes it's hard to figure. It's the way you live and when you look at it, and sometimes it's hard to figure it out because you're so in that place.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I can say it for myself as well. I'll own that again. I'll own the heck out of that. So it's really a place to visit but move from. So let's talk about that, if we can't. You know so, and I know we both deal with it, being coaches and and uh, and it's a beautiful, beautiful thing when that breakthrough happens, um, and that light bulb goes off and they go. Oh, you know. So, uh, let's talk about that. Give me some thoughts on how do you let's start with how do you get, how do you realize that you're there, and then let's follow up with some tips and tools to get us out of that.
Speaker 3:Absolutely, you know, and a lot of times it's hard for you to see yourself in that. And and I say this because we as coaches have coaches right, even though you're a coach and we have these awarenesses and we can see it there's a lot of blind spots that we have. We get tunnel vision or we don't want to think that we have these disempowering states or beliefs that we have. So I think really it's if, if you're struggling in some area of your life and you're kind of hanging out there and things aren't changing to, to have this information and be able to just kind of ask yourself the questions right After, after listening to this information, and you leave and you're like, oh, there's an area of my life I'm really struggling at, let me sit and think about do I have any extra gains? And that's a challenge for for the average lay person and I say this with all like no ego, it's just it's hard to dive into your.
Speaker 3:We have both done a lot of work, as I call clearing our mirrors, because we've had a lot of stuff that we've lived through and a lot of people are challenged in that respect.
Speaker 3:So I would highly encourage to reach out to somebody If you can sit with it and figure it out on your own. Awesome, and secondary gains can be challenging to figure out. So getting somebody that, a coach, or resources where you can sit down, if you have a therapist or whoever it is, and said, hey, I heard about this thing called secondary gains, you know, I'd like to know if I have any, so I share that. To say to your point, michael, it's hard for us to tell on our own. So, on the tips and tools, it's spending time meditating, journaling, if you believe in a higher power, having that relationship with God, and asking for discernment on those things to have him provide you some light, discernment on on those things, to have him provide you some light. And the other, the other part, is to reach out to somebody who has done a lot of the work and can sit and have a conversation and maybe see some of your blind spots that you're not seeing.
Speaker 2:And that's really. I love that you said that, because that's literally what it is. It's and we're human, everybody we're human. Ok, so be kind to yourself first and realize we're human, we have these things and Sit with yourself. Journal, I love those tips. First of all, ask a close loved one that you trust and respect to not be as you know, robert and you said earlier judgmental, because judgment ruins the game, it ruins the life, it ruins everything. You know. Judgment, just get rid of it. It does no good for anybody, I promise.
Speaker 2:So, if you can sit there and talk to a friend and if they, like I don't know what you're talking about reach out to us. You know I don't know about you, but I do free complimentary calls, you know, for veterans and first responders and so on Just get on a call, you know, just ask hey, what does that mean? And this is kind of what I'm dealing with. What do you see?
Speaker 2:Someone, especially someone skilled, that can, literally you have the valley and can see from here to here the gap that you're not seeing because it is difficult to see it. We have those aha moments, sometimes for ourselves, and we look back 10 years before and say, oh man, what I learned? Oh, that filled the gap and you can see those patterns. I'm a big pattern guy, so you see those patterns to fill that. Just fill that bridge. Put that bridge on there to fill the gap that get you so much further, so much faster, so you can focus on more important things and first, starting with yourself, but all the people around you that those gaps, those secondary gains are affecting in a negative way potentially.
Speaker 3:And, if I may share, michael, to your point, people can feel judgment and people can feel compassion. So if you can feel check in with yourself before you go to somebody to have this conversation, and if you're checking in with yourself and it's compassion, then absolutely go to that person with compassion and and yes, I do like to me, having a 60 minute call with a veteran to help them see the light brings so much joy to my heart and just to just say, hey, you know, we're not broken, we're not. We're just going through life and things have happened. It doesn't break us, it just takes us down a different road. And again, like I believe in my higher power, god put me on a journey for a reason.
Speaker 3:I meant to learn something from it and even Oprah talks about it and Deepak Chokra, you can look at life that it happens for you or to you, and we both believe that life happens for us. And so everything that you've been through, whether it's through the military or circumstances or deployments, all you've been through that for a reason and God's going to give you the strength and the people in your life to help you get through that and in that you know we both align so much on that is that we're not going to let our veterans do it alone, and you know it breaks my heart and makes my heart, my heart happy that you know your dad finally found it. I just wish he would have found it sooner. And that being said, though, if he had, would it have sparked the passion in you to do what you're doing and have this amazing podcast that's affecting so many more veterans.
Speaker 2:You know I truly believe God source. Whatever you believe, you know I truly believe that God takes you down a journey. And if I wouldn't have done or been through, made the bad choices when I was younger, if I wouldn't have, you know, taken a step or talked to this person or that person or whatever the case may be, I wouldn't be the man I am. If I wouldn't have seen domestic violence in my childhood home, I wouldn't be the man I am and I can't be more proud of who I am because I've done the work. And when you look back and you move forward because life, like you, it's happening for me, because all of the challenges, all of the challenges life be life. Thank you, les Brown is to learn from, because otherwise you're a victim. Otherwise you go down that rabbit hole.
Speaker 2:And the cool thing, if I can, is you see the differences and you see it everywhere in the world. You take two siblings from the same household, including my childhood. I mean, if you don't learn from the mistakes, you don't move forward and grow and be a better person. You really have to look at those things and just say what is there to learn here? Belief systems are very powerful and obviously you know your thoughts are your reality. So if we can stop and think about it and really look at the gift in things, there's almost you can always find a gift. I'm just going to say it. You can always find a gift if you look hard enough. And that's the difference. I believe in belief systems and the difference in how people live.
Speaker 3:And all the work you've done in your amazing wife, susan, all the work that she's done you know, the two of you together, and I'll leave with this thought is that somebody's got to go first. So, whether it's you that are having the challenges, or your significant other or spouse, or whoever boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever you want to call it, even siblings, like brothers, sisters, this work is for everybody. But and somebody needs to go first. You can point and say that other person needs to change, or you can look at yourself and say how am I showing up?
Speaker 2:say that other person needs to change.
Speaker 3:or you can look at yourself and say how am I showing up? Amen. So if I'm showing up with unhealthy secondary gains, then they're going to continue to show up in a certain way because I'm expecting that and it's feeding something that I need to be fed, whether it's empowering or disempowering. So you know somebody's got to go first in all of this.
Speaker 2:Amen. Everybody, I believe, has leadership in them. Someone just needs to take that first action. They need to take that two millimeter shift to steer the ship to a new destination. And it's generational people, it's generational people, it's generational. So I we're out of time. I can't believe it's been half an hour can I share one quick thing?
Speaker 3:yeah, oh, absolutely. Just because you share that it is generational and understand that everything you went through as a veteran first responder, whoever, you can continue to take that on to your kids and you know your kids' kids, or you can choose to step up and be the change, so that you said that and I was like, oh my God, yes, I wish people understood how much generational that affects.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, absolutely. Thank you for saying that, as well.
Speaker 2:So, with that said, first of all, I just want to remind people because I just jumped in the conversation because I'm so excited On the top there we go, top right-hand corner of your screen, there's a blue QR code. Please scan that. It leads you to Empower Performance Strategies, all the podcasts. We have Facebook groups for veterans and their families, two different ones to join to be part of our community. It's got a couple of free books that I wrote. Please just reach out, be part of the community and part of the mission. You know? Please, please, do that. So, my dear friend Kathy, how do people reach you? Please do that. So, my dear friend.
Speaker 3:Kathy. How do people reach you? So thank you for that. If you want to reach out to me, if any of this resonated with you, or you just want to understand more or you just feel lost, feel free to send me an email at Kathy at MSM coaching groupcom. Or if for some reason, you're not getting there, you can reach out to Michael. He has my information. If you need help, especially having gone through these holidays, please reach out.
Speaker 2:Very good, very good, and I don't know if you remember we do this, it's been a little bit. Three tips to get veterans and their families further fast.
Speaker 3:So the biggest thing and I'm going to recircle back around to some of the things I talked about today One know it's generational and you have the ability to make the changes now. Two realize that you're not broken, that it's just a process, right. Recognizing that you're in a temporary home. Just don't take up homage there, just notice it and seek somebody else to help guide you through that. And the third thing is just if you have time to meditate on your life and what's going on, and is there a healthy, empowering secondary gain or is it a disempowering secondary gain? And if it is, you have a choice and ability to choose otherwise.
Speaker 2:Fantastic. Love those, absolutely love those. So again, we're out of time. I'd love to get you and Robert on Absolutely, absolutely 100%. I miss that guy. So I just want to thank you. As always, I'm honored that you spent the time with us. Time is the most precious resource we have as humans. We don't get it back. So that you spent the time and took the time out of your life to spend the time with me and our audience, just to create that ripple effect and drop some seeds of wisdom, some golden nuggets, of course, truly honored. Thank you so much.
Speaker 3:Thank you for having me. I appreciate you so much, Michael.
Speaker 2:Love you, lady, thank you, thank you, bye, everybody.
Speaker 1:Thank you for joining us on another insightful journey of your Thoughts your Reality podcast with your host, michael Cole. We hope the conversation sparked some thoughts that resonate with you. To dive deeper into empowering your thoughts and enhancing your reality, visit empowerperformancestrategiescom. Remember your thoughts shape your reality, so make them count. Until next time, stay inspired and keep creating the reality you desire. Catch you on the next episode.