Your Thoughts Your Reality
Welcome to "Your Thoughts, Your Reality with Michael Cole," the podcast that shines a compassionate light on the journey of veterans battling through life's challenges. Michael Cole, a Certified Elite Neuroencoding Specialist, dedicated to guiding military veterans as they navigate the intricate pathways of post-deployment life. Join him as we delve into the profound realm of Neuroencoding science, empowering these brave individuals to conquer universal battles: procrastination, self-doubt, fear, and more. Together, let's uncover the strength within you to re-engage with families and society, forging a new path forward.
Your Thoughts Your Reality
Empowering Intimate Connections: Cathy and Robert Casteel's Journey from Military Service to Transforming Relationships through Personal Accountability and Healing Trauma
Unlock the secrets to transforming intimate relationships by tuning into this episode with Cathy and Robert Casteel. With over 54 years of combined military experience, Cathy and Robert offer a wealth of knowledge on overcoming personal struggles and embracing intentional self-development. Their story is a testament to the power of personal accountability and courage in nurturing a relationship filled with passion and devotion. They share valuable insights on how veterans and their families can heal from trauma and break generational cycles, encouraging listeners to take ownership of their actions for healthier relationships.
Communication and emotional safety take center stage as we explore how instinctual responses can hinder constructive dialogue, particularly during conflicts. Discover Cathy and Robert's strategies for addressing trauma, especially within the veteran community, and learn how creating new belief systems can disrupt negative patterns. The importance of seeking help and the bravery required to confront unresolved trauma are emphasized, offering listeners a pathway to healing and renewed connections.
The episode rounds off by introducing practical tools like the Covenant Conversation and the transformative Ho'oponopono prayer, which empowers partners to address past traumas and foster forgiveness. As we reflect on how thoughts shape our reality, we express heartfelt gratitude for your support and encourage you to consciously create the life you desire. Join us in this enlightening journey and gain access to empowering strategies that can profoundly impact your relationships.
Welcome to your Thoughts, your Reality with Michael Cole, the podcast that shines a compassionate light on the journey of veterans battling through life's challenges. Michael is a dual elite certified neuro encoding specialist in coaching and keynote training presentations dedicated to guiding military veterans as they navigate the intricate pathways of post-deployment life. Join him as we delve into the profound realm of neuroencoding science, empowering these brave individuals to conquer universal battles procrastination, self-doubt, fear and more. Together, let's uncover the strength within you to re-engage with families and society, forging a new path forward.
Speaker 2:Hello, hello, hello everybody. So we have one of my, a couple of my favorites, I should say, People on today. We have what was that your favorite? There you go. Now, Robert, I love you too. Now let's get serious, Geez. So I have Kathy and Robert Castile on. They've been on multiple times. They always 54 years over 54 years combined of military experience. They specialize in helping individuals release false beliefs and break generational cycles to rediscover their authentic selves, which is amazing and super important. Their work emphasizes healthy, collaborative strategies for healing trauma within intimate relationships as well, and that's what we're going to kind of get into today. So people that aren't familiar with you yet, haven't seen you on here I don't know how many times, Tell us a little bit more about yourself, please, you go ahead.
Speaker 3:So I spent over 30 years in the military, over 15 years in corporate America. I met my husband late in life and when I met him, I had a whole bunch of stuff that I hadn't dealt with. So they say, hurt people, hurt people. So I didn't really know how to live my best life with my husband and I knew that's what I wanted, and so I got introduced to self-development in 2013 and it just lit a fire, and so I got introduced to self-development in 2013 and it just lit a fire yeah.
Speaker 4:Fantastic. How about you, robert? So I spent almost 24 years in the Army. While I was in the service I was married twice, divorced twice, and then I met Kathy after I retired and our growth from the time we met to today is so magnificent. It's been life-changing and it's just getting into personal development and then finding our community of warriors and queens and getting into that community, our growth in relationship is just springboarded.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 4:And I want to say you know, warriors and Queens is fantastic.
Speaker 2:Dave and Yvette, you know, amen. So what? What? How do I say this? So, as far as you know, we're talking about trauma and healing together today, right, so let's, if we can. You know, you guys are always, you know, fantastic and share vulnerabilities and that kind of thing, can you know, you guys are always, you know, fantastic and share vulnerabilities and that kind of thing. And I think, especially as a couple, you know, we don't get a lot of couples that come on to do this with us. So I, you know, this is a treat for us. So everybody, you know, really just dive into this and take notes all that fun stuff, if you will, because these two amazing souls are just some of my favorites.
Speaker 2:So let's dive in if we can Does that sound good guys, Absolutely.
Speaker 3:If I may share one thing before we get started. You know me and my husband had a great relationship and I use that word great. We had a great relationship before we started diving and being intentional on our marriage. The only thing that improves is what you're intentional on. So we became intentional on improving our marriage. So we went from having a great marriage to now having a passionate marriage where I now have my husband's devotion, which just is over the moon for me. So I just want to share that, which just is over the moon for me. So I just want to share that, like what you're, as Robert, shared. What we are now is not what we were when we got married.
Speaker 2:And what's possible if you're willing to put some intention into it. Absolutely love that you say that Because that's what it's all about. Right, because if you don't put that intent, you know my wife says talks about, you know, people being roommates, you know, more than passionate and in love with each other, and you know, I don't care if it's been three years or 50.
Speaker 2:If you put that intent in there, like you said, it changes the game. So let's talk about that first before we start diving into trauma, if we can. So what are some of the tools that you would give veterans and their families that you guys have used personally to just reconnect, so that I know people that haven't seen you on here yet. I kind of want to get a playing field, if you will, on kind of what Warriors and Queens and what you will, on kind of what Warriors and Queens and what you guys, of course, coach people on.
Speaker 4:So let's start with when you have a disagreement with your significant other or your partner. Typically, what happens is for Kathy and I. What I would do when we would have a disagreement is I would get mad with what was going on and I would walk off. I'd go downstairs to cool off or whatever the case may be, or take a baseball bat and whack up against a tree or something like that Something to get the frustration out and then come back later and talk about what was going on. At no point in there would I own up to anything I did, and I wasn't really cleaning my side of the street up. So one of the first things is take ownership for your actions and clean up that side of your street. You can't clean up your significant others and you can't clean up anybody else's. It starts with you. I don't know Kathy had something she wanted to add into that too.
Speaker 3:So there are times that me and Robert have had disagreements that I don't feel like I didn't contribute anything to that. I'm not apologizing because I didn't do anything wrong. And two things on that. One, my mom used to always say it takes two to tango. So whether you think you contributed to that or not, we all had a small play in the part. And the other part is do you want to live in that energy? You know, sometimes I don't feel it's my fault and somebody has to go first. So I can either live in that energy or I can choose to be the one that steps up this time and goes first.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love. I love what you just said First, before I even go there, though. How many bats did you break, robert? It was a little bit of a bat, so it didn't break. Would have felt better if it broke, right. Yeah, instead of vibrating up your hands.
Speaker 2:But, it was probably just that reminder of is this really worth it? Exactly so, kathy, with what you said, someone needs to go first take responsibility to some extent. I mean, again, it takes two, and I agree 100%, because usually it's something and then somebody takes offense for whatever reason or is hurt by it really, and sometimes you don't even know, especially as a man. It's like what, what did I do? So let's dive into that a little bit. What are some of the things that you would say you should be looking out for or notice during that conversation, especially if you are the one that was hurt or offended or whatever the case may be, to maybe control that or something.
Speaker 3:Actually, michael, I would love to turn it over, because he had an aware, while we had an awareness together and I, if you would like to share, I think that would be great from perspective, if you would like.
Speaker 4:Absolutely Anybody, please, yes. So when we would get in a disagreement that I would get angry, I'd get frustrated at something that she said and it's usually somewhere along the lines of communication and understanding what implied and literal communication is. I would say something I am a literal communicator. Hey, go pick up this stone. Sometimes Kathy would imply something in there and she would imply that I said that she's as smart as a stone. Just an example.
Speaker 3:When she did that, it was like when have I ever said that to you? May I share the real story behind that? So he's giving an example. I'll give you the real deal. So I am an applied communicator, which means you should know what I'm saying by. What I'm saying versus what Robert says is literal, With the exception of some. When he gets into energy poor, I have to stay on my toes because that's what creates some dynamics as well, as he switches to an implied communicator. Like you're literal, like all the other times like and now I'm supposed to know that you're shifting to an implied communicator. So, basically, he had said something and I don't remember the exact verbiage. What I heard in my head is are you a freaking idiot? Can you not see this? That went over well, Not well at all.
Speaker 4:After a while I was like, when I got the story out of her, what she thought, and I just basically asked her when have I ever said that to you? And that's when we figured out about the implied and literal communication.
Speaker 3:And I must have been really triggered on my not enoughness, because, I mean, he's never said that to me. I heard that. So I must have been triggered about something or feeling not enough about something. So that was just my unconscious mind saying oh, let me validate this not enoughness for you, so we'll throw that in there and that's's what you see.
Speaker 2:Let me make you really feel this as your partner.
Speaker 4:Only thing your partner's doing is holding up a mirror and reflecting what you're seeing. In other words, if you're not feeling enough, it's a mirror looking back at you. It's not something the other person's doing. The other person is just making sounds or doing some sort of action. You're the one that's interpreting it as I'm not enough.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think we do that as human beings a lot. Our thoughts, unfortunately, are more negative than positive for the average person.
Speaker 1:We've had a lot of people on here.
Speaker 2:We talk about it a lot, about how you know your thoughts are taking you down a road that isn't true at all and and 99% of the time, is never going to come to fruition. So it's it's very interesting how our mind does that. So let's, let's dive into trauma a little bit. Let's you guys have anything else on this that you want to just dive into more, because it's really great stuff, by the way, guys.
Speaker 4:Yeah, one of the things I would do is I would walk off when Kathy, when we were having a disagreement, I'd just walk off. I'd go in the shed or go out back, whatever the case may be, and not understanding what was going on. A woman's safety center is three times larger than a man and they will feel unsafe multiple times a day where men, just they don't feel it. They may be only a few times in their life, depending upon their jobs. What we learned is through our work is, if I reinsure Kathy, hey look, I've got to go cool off, I'm going to walk away for a bit, I will be back. That makes her feel safe and secure and it don't violate her safety center. You got something you want to add to?
Speaker 3:that, just from a woman's perspective, a couple things. One, he could say he loves me a million times a day Still doesn't quiet the voice that maybe this time he'll leave day softens that voice just a little bit, and I'm not going to say that even when he tells me like, hey, I'm gonna go downstairs, cool off, I'll be back, I'm not going anywhere, I still love you, we're still gonna stay married, doesn't mean that I still don't feel a little unsettled inside, because I don't like conflict between the two of us, right. That being said. Said, though, it's a lot more quiet than the raging voice I used to hear.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that absolutely makes sense and I'm really glad you guys brought this up because it is so important for that little communication right Of saying, hey, I love you, I'm going to be right, I'm going to be back, I need a minute for myself. I just need to get myself right so we can have this conversation the right way and not the way it's heading now. And that is a game changer for those spin cycles. If you will, you know where our minds just go crazy and you know because if you don't step away and you guys know your patterns if you don't step away, things are just going to get worse and worse and worse and things are just going to be said that no one really means, or just hurtful and so on, that a lot of times you don't really come back from because those things do stack. So I love that you brought that up. I really do.
Speaker 3:It makes a difference when you come from a place we call it human instinct or human spirit. There's a difference in the type of conversation that you have, the quality of the conversation that you have when you're coming from human instinct at each other and human spirit. So we have a tool on that.
Speaker 2:Can you explain that some more?
Speaker 3:Absolutely so. Human instinct is that's your fight or flight. That means like I have to go kill the deer because I get to feed my family. That means my life is on the line. No, I have not known any intelligent, respectful conversations come about when we're in fight or flight, because it's all about protection, whereas human spirit that's when we're open to possibility, we're open to different thoughts. You're in an energy at least energy neutral to energy rich state, so you can see other perspectives and maybe see where you played a role in it, versus just, you know, going straight after the jugular.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and I think, I think it's super important. Please, robert, you're going to say something.
Speaker 4:So my hallucination is that for the veterans that have seen combat, that human instinct was driven so deep about the actions that they had in that situation that they're in a constant loop and they can't get out of that trauma to grow their life, to better their lives. So a lot of them that suffer from PTSD is a constant trauma that keeps replaying for them and it comes I honestly believe it actually comes from that human instinct being driven so deep, so hard in that situation that they can't fight out of it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and there's a portion of our brain where it literally gets stuck where normal bad things that happen. It goes around and releases and what happens is it gets stuck in there until they, in my opinion, create new belief systems about the situation and what happened, and that's when it gets released and that's what I've seen. But until then it sits there and then we keep thinking about it. The trauma happened once generally, but it's the repeated thinking of it that creates that trauma that just keeps going and going and going that they can't escape if you will.
Speaker 2:So I'm glad you brought up trauma, because that takes us to our next section. So in relationships, and thank you, rob, for bringing that up, because it's takes us to our next section. So so in relationships, and thank you, robert, for bringing that up because it's super important that people understand that with, with with relationships and couples. And again, I love when you guys are on because we get to, we get to really do this, so with with a trauma, and you guys can, if you will, bring up something from yourselves or just something you know out of, you know just thoughts. What is a trauma and how is some of the best ways to kind of bring up?
Speaker 2:Hey, I'm dealing with the trauma because we know, you know, veterans are conditioned man to deal with it on their own. You know work through it, don't ask for help, all these things. And of course, you know work through it, don't ask for help, all these things. And of course, we know the most courageous thing we can do is actually ask for help. So, where, where? Give me some thoughts on where to start? Where, where would you suggest? Hey, man, I'm really dealing with something.
Speaker 4:And I just I need to talk to somebody, give me some thoughts. Do you have that realization? For myself, to deal with the traumas I had, I had to start with asking myself if it's a repeat trauma. For instance, like I said when I first started, I've been married twice. There's some relationship trauma in there from both those marriages. And when Kathy and I were having challenges, we had to go back and when's the first time that happened? When's the last time that happened? And just start walking it back. I might not remember the first time, but I can remember the last time. I might not remember the first time, but I can remember the last time. And then I can start digging back and keep going back in time until I find that first time and look at the situation that was going on and what triggered that, and then ask questions what did I contribute and could I have done anything differently? And clean my side of the street up?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I love that you said that, especially the part about how the last time and going back and a lot of times these traumas were from childhood that actually come up later on that you don't even realize are there, right? You know, there's times Susan and I will be talking and we'll just start talking about something and we'll have these realizations of years and years and years ago, something that happened to us that we still are dealing with. So I love that you brought that up, that you start with the last one and work backwards.
Speaker 3:Love that, Robert brought that up, that you start with the last one and work backwards. Love that, robert. Most of our traumas occur when we're zero to eight years old, like that's when we're building our belief systems, and so by going back you can look with the older, wiser self and look at it. Did it really happen that way? It was it because one of the things so I'll share something I'm working through right now my dad was not the best dad in the world. He had his own challenges. I truly believe a lot of it was generational and this whole not being good enough. As we discussed a little bit earlier today.
Speaker 3:That's been a hot topic for me lately. My dad treated his stepchildren better than he treated his own kids. Like he wanted to spend time with his stepkids, you know, got them things they needed, didn't go out of his way to come and see us, and so here I did all this healing on my dad and, and you know, through many different tools, and I'm like I'm good when it comes to my dad, and then all of a sudden, something came up and it came back to that and I'm like, here we go again. Okay, maybe I haven't healed everything around my dad. So I say that to say that those traumas that happened during those times different layers, different, like there were so many interactions you had from zero to eight that you created file systems on and that you believed unconsciously that that meant something. So by going back and and revisiting it, as as Robert said, and and looking at it from a different perspective, you can now heal that part of you and have a conversation around it and heal your side street, come back like after healing yourself, and then come back and share the story.
Speaker 3:There's a great tool called the covenant conversation, and I won't go into too much detail. If anyone wants to know more about it, reach out to us or to Michael and I'll be more than happy. It's being able to have a conversation with your spouse or significant other with zero judgment, bringing up things that happened as a child, that you maybe had guilt and shame about, or whatever. You start it under the umbrella of your covenant relationship through a prayer, agree that both parties agree that it's going to be a judgment-free zone. The other person doesn't speak till the other person's done, and then it's not an opportunity to defend yourself, it's just an opportunity for you to hear from someone's heart and whatever shared in that conversation cannot be used at all ever. You've all agreed that it will never be used against you.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, absolutely love it. You know there's, there's those are the deepest, most healing conversations for both people, in my opinion okay, just my opinion, because who doesn't want to be there for the other one they love and when they can be, and it's non-judgmental, it's a free zone if you will, and you just become closer. Just become closer. I really love that, and anybody wanting more information please reach out because literally, it is one of the best things in a relationship there is just to go and be able to speak your true heart and be your authentic self.
Speaker 4:So Robert, you're going to say something.
Speaker 4:Yeah, so a lot of the traumas we have. They create masks and as we put them on and say, kathy and I have a fight and then all of a sudden I feel belittled or whatever the case may be, all of a sudden I throw a mask on and I'm not acting the way I was before, I'm acting more feminine and I am masculine. Well, it creates a mask and then that trauma shows up again. All of a sudden, another mask comes on from something else. The good thing is these masks can be taken off by going back and reevaluating, relooking and dealing with what was going on at the time and once again that process of when's the last time and just keep walking it back until you find the first time it actually happened, and that's the easiest way I've found to deal with some of the trauma.
Speaker 3:Can I add something to that? Some of the trauma, can I add something to that? Absolutely, healing is so important, and so what I want to share is not everybody's in a position where they're having a conversation with the other individual, so maybe you're in a relationship but you're not talking right now, or you're temporarily separated, or one's away, one's deployed, one's home, like. There's some different dynamics.
Speaker 4:Or they've passed on.
Speaker 3:Or they've passed on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, great point, Robert.
Speaker 3:Thank you my king, that's why I'm married to him and it's called the Haponopono prayer and some people have heard it. And Dr Len healed a criminally insane ward. Actually, he started with a ward and worked the whole facility and healing the whole facility by healing himself with the patient's file. So what he did this is no interaction with any of the patients. He had all their files set out on his desk and he would go one by one and the way the Ho'oponopono prayer is said is I'm sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you. And so he would literally heal himself. He would read those files relate to that individual and heal himself in how he perceived that individual. And just by doing that over and over again with every patient, that facility then became the most like. Everyone turned around in it and I was like by the power of the prayer, the Hoponopono prayer.
Speaker 2:I've never heard this story. I know the prayer.
Speaker 3:I've never heard this. So there's three mindsets. There's the emotional, the mental and the spiritual mind that all make up the physical mind, the physical body. So if you heal all three of those, you're healing your physical body. So it's just like phenomenal. So you could anybody that you are in disconnect with or not talking or have disagreements with or words unle left, said this is the most phenomenal healing. And so, circling back around to you know, sometimes you don't feel like you're at fault. When I'm at, when I feel like I'm not at fault and I'm like somebody's got to go first, I just look at him and I will say I'm sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you. That little bit, I'll tell you, gives me the goosebumps. Just saying it heals. We both get emotional, yeah. So imagine what you could do for the relationships in your life.
Speaker 3:Yeah absolutely and.
Speaker 2:Susan and I use it as well. It's absolutely just phenomenal. And can I just add to it just a little bit more when you're first starting to do it and you're not used to it, repeat it a couple of times to the person, looking at themselves, looking them in the eyes, because sometimes it takes a minute for the softening to happen. That is something we found in the beginning, but absolutely phenomenal.
Speaker 3:God, I love you brought that up. We do it three times to each other.
Speaker 2:Oh, got it yeah.
Speaker 3:Three times to Robert and he'll do it three times to me.
Speaker 2:I think we did that in the beginning and then we, we literally the softening happened quickly and we didn't need to do it as many times. But yeah, fantastic, absolutely fantastic, absolutely love it.
Speaker 4:For our veterans that their battle buddy got killed in combat or they've got some sort of trauma around one of their friends something happened to that's no longer with us. They can do that prayer with their spirit and it will loosen that mask and loosen that trauma. And it's not going to happen in one time, it's repeatedly. But you can get over that and talk about the trauma, Talk about what happened, Because if you don't talk about what happened it stays buried Absolutely.
Speaker 3:You heal what you reveal.
Speaker 2:Amen, amen. Hey guys, we are past time shocking, I know and we need to do a four hour and then I can just separate it later on. Now, you know, truly I love doing the live shows, just because, um, it's just so genuine and just real conversations that come out. I didn't ask one actual question that I prepared, but that happens all the time, you know, especially with people that I know. Um, it's just great, amazing, organic conversation with amazing souls. So, um, with that said, you know we do own the place. So is there anything else you guys want to add before we do some of the closing stuff?
Speaker 3:no no, I think that's enough for now. I mean, that's a lot to absorb as it is.
Speaker 2:It is.
Speaker 3:So, with that said, how do people reach you? Go ahead. They can reach us at our website. They can go to msmcoachinggroupcom, or they can email us Kathy at, or Robert at msmcoachinggroupcom.
Speaker 2:Fantastic. So you know I always do this to everybody. Can you give us three tips to get veterans and their families further faster?
Speaker 3:Absolutely. I think we're just going to go over the tools today. You can either do the hop.
Speaker 4:We call the Ho'oponopono prayer, the hop for short, you can have a covenant conversation with your significant other, and you can even do it with your family members.
Speaker 3:And the third thing is we do something, a modified of the Sedona method, so you can do this Sedona method, which is basically, you know, can you just sit with that feeling it's just walking through a releasing problem or releasing trauma, like recognize the trauma. Can I sit with it, not make it right or wrong. Can I just sit with it. Can I allow it to be there for as long as it needs to be there? You just sit with that for as long as you can. Once you can, it's like awesome. If I choose to, can I let it go, Because we have the power of will, and then, if I choose to let it go, then when would now be a good time to let it go?
Speaker 2:Love it, absolutely love it. Thank you guys for sharing everything, as always, and you know I love having you guys on here. Love, love, love having you guys on here, especially together, I love you separately.
Speaker 2:Love you guys together even more on the show. So I just you know, as always, time is the most valuable resource we have as human beings. We do not get it back. Thank you so much for spending a few minutes of your life with us creating the ripple effect. Of course, we always know that turns into a tsunami for good. So love you guys being on here. Can't wait for the next time. Thank you so much. Thank you, we love you too. Love you too.
Speaker 3:Our pleasure.
Speaker 1:All right, we're out of here. Thank you for joining us on another insightful journey of your Thoughts your Reality podcast with your host, michael Cole. We hope the conversation sparked some thoughts that resonate with you. To dive deeper into empowering your thoughts and enhancing your reality, visit empowerperformancestrategiescom. Remember your thoughts shape your reality, so make them count. Until next time, stay inspired and keep creating the reality you desire. Catch you on the next episode.