The LNBE Podcast
Mike Rispoli presents: The LNBE Podcast—"Literally Nothing, But Everything."
It’s a mix of personal stories, life lessons, and hot takes, all told like you're on the phone with your most unfiltered friend.
No experts. No advice. Just vibes, opinions, and faith-based curiosity.
The LNBE Podcast
Episode 74 - Nothing but Worse Things
Mike runs his mouth about bartending idiots, swollen glands, and a wedding trip to Dayton, Ohio that made him rethink what “bad” really means. From diagnosing himself faster than hospital staff to arguing with customers who think cranberry juice belongs in a dirty martini, Mike’s first episode back since July is full of stories, sarcasm, and self-awareness.
Between late-night shifts, ER visits, and small-town adventures that felt straight out of a crime documentary, he realizes things could always be worse — and that might actually be the point.
It’s a brutally honest, darkly funny comeback packed with perspective, punchlines, and just enough chaos to remind you that even when life’s a mess… it’s still pretty damn good.
If you would like to share your opinion, send an email to lnbemedia@gmail.com and don't forget to follow me on Instagram and TikTok @thelnbepodcast.
Hey, what's going on everyone? I know it's been a while, but I'm back. So, on my first week back since what? July? I'm thinking that this will be a more reflective episode and tell you some of the things that's happened since we last spoke. Trust me, I haven't totally forgotten about you or killed this project, but life just kind of got to me. As you guys know, I've been bartending as my main gig, and the schedule's been a little rough. The late nights, the fucking absolute morons who come in and are so picky. It's like, I want a dirty martini, but not too dirty, but dirty enough. And God forbid you put one drop too much. Fucking rich people come in asking for the weirdest shit, you bend over backwards to make it, and they'll still leave you a tip that wouldn't even buy you a fucking gum ball. I had one person asking for a dirty martini with cranberry juice. They sent it back to me three times because it tasted wrong. Yeah. No shit. You asked for a dirty martini with cranberry juice. You fucking psycho. What did you expect it to taste like? After the third time, I was like, you know what? Just come back here and make it yourself. Because you clearly know better than I do. It's not like this is my profession or anything. And then she goes, Oh, I'm sorry. I wanted it dirty, but make it dirty with the cranberry. You dumb bitch. You just didn't know how to order, and now it's my fucking fault. You just wanted a vodka cran as a martini. And yeah, some people are great. But when you're dealing with people who go, Can I have a different wine glass? This glass is making the wine taste weird. And the friend going, Oh yeah, that happens sometimes. No, it fucking doesn't. But I bet the gum in your mouth would have an answer for that. So yeah, just dealing with the needs of fucktards and talking to people I could give a fuck about for hours a day, and then the thought of, oh my god, I need to talk more and do a podcast. Yeah, it's a little daunting. But then even when I wanted to put something out, it became a thing of how do I even get back into it after being gone for so long? Having so much time away at something makes it hard to restart and build that momentum because you don't know how people are gonna react. It's like when a parent leaves and you're a kid, and then the parent just magically just reappears in your life as an adult, like, hey, I'm back. And you're just sitting there, like, okay, well, I don't see the milk in your hand, so where exactly did you run off to? Can I trust that you won't leave me again? But now I'm back, and what's going on since my last episode? Well, I ended up in the ER back in July because I don't know what happened, but I had some sort of a gland issue, and you know, for living in such an affluent area, you would think the hospital in this town would be somewhat competent, but no. I'm at work one night, and my jaw feels kinda sore. Oh, whose dick were you sucking? Nah, no one rich, that's for sure. But I still have my wisdom teeth, which, if you know me, makes perfect sense considering the big mouth that I have. So I just chalked it up to maybe something was caught, and if I floss, I'll be fine, no big deal. This has happened before. But as I'm working, the pain is only getting worse, and I can feel my face just getting more and more swollen as the night goes on. So I leave work, take an ibuprofen, and try to sleep it off. I wake up in the early hours of the next morning in just some severe pain, and my face looks like a chipmunk getting ready to hibernate. And I realize now it's not my jaw that's the issue, but it's my lymph nodes. And since I don't have insurance, I'm like, what the fuck do I do? What's the cheapest option? So I make an appointment with urgent care, but I can't get in till 8 a.m. And it's 3:30 a.m. So great. Now I'm just up in pain, and finally around 6 a.m., I'm like, I just can't wait for urgent care. I need to go to the ER. So I throw on some clothes, throw on my glasses, and book it over there. Once I get there, there's one woman in front of me and they're dealing with her. Now I'm waiting and standing at the desk, two people are there, and finally, after about 10 minutes, I'm like, hey, someone want to ask me something? Oh, were you waiting to be seen? No! I'm just here at 6 a.m. to see what you guys are up to. Anyone need a fucking coffee? Because some of you could use some of that shit. Alright, so why are you here? Asking me this as if my face doesn't look like Carl Wheezer from Jimmy Neutron. And then I finally get back there, they're taking these preliminary questions. Oh, do you wear glasses or contacts? Me looking straight at this woman with glasses on my face, pointing, and she's just like, Oh, it's been a rough night. Really? Oh my god. So then finally I get thrown into a room and I'm seen by a doctor, but no one knows what's going on. Granted, they didn't ask me what my habits were. All they did was care about if I'm sexually active and if I left the country. And since I don't have insurance, they were gonna give me a CAT scan. What's a CAT scan gonna do? Oh, well, we just want to be thorough, and we can't give you any pain meds until we know what we're dealing with, so we know how to treat it. Great, but I can tell you that I have some sort of a gland infection, so why don't we start with that? No, we want to do XYZ. Alright, great. So I do the CAT scan, and now I want my pain meds because my face is so swollen that my cheeks are going numb and my ears hurt. Another 30 minutes goes by and I'm waiting, I'm ringing, and no pain meds. Well, we haven't gotten the results. Well, can someone give me a fucking ibuprofen? Another 20 minutes goes by. Hey, did you guys get those CAT scan results yet? Oh yeah, we got them. What was someone gonna tell me? So what's it say? You have swollen glands. Oh, oh really? The bartender diagnosed himself. What are you monkeys doing back there? For living in such an affluent area, you'd think the hospital would have at least one doctor who didn't get their degree from WebMD. So they send me on my way to some antibiotics and it clears up within a week. Now, a couple weeks later, I end up in Dayton, Ohio for a wedding. And if you have a trip to Dayton, Ohio planned anytime soon, cool, fucking cancel it. So I fly in with my friend who's also a groomsman, and when we arrive, the groom picks us up from the airport, and the whole ride in, I'm like, wow, now I know where The Walking Dead was actually filmed. Because this place must be the pants the Rust Belt is holding up. But before we get to the hotel, the other groomsman figures that we should go grab some snacks and some water for the room. So we go to the nearest grocery store, and what do we see? Crackhead Chris just chilling in the parking lot, just to be met inside with a stationed cop who looks like Michael Jackson, who just looked like they wanted to get the hee-hee hell out of there. And on our way out, Hooker Haley just strung out, looking like a Sims character, going down one end of the street to the other, and just to do what? Get her steps in. So we finally make it to the hotel. Just to then meet our new friend, Fenton all Phil, dumpster diving for his next meal, who became a main side character as we saw him every night we were there. But Dayton's rough, man. At one point, my friend and I were just like, let's just go see if there's a bar or something. But as we were walking, it just felt like someone was gonna come out from behind a corner and grab us. Like the best thing I saw was a group of five women, maybe in their 40s or 50s, doing a drinking trolley. And my first thought was, I would love to be on that company's marketing team. Because how do you get anyone to do that? Oh, welcome to historic day in Ohio where the fun just never ends. Gym's not necessary because the gunshots will ensure your cardio for the day. But then I realized they were all in heels and drinking. So if gunshots do happen, what's your escape plan? The only thing running will be your mascara. But as shitty as my hospital visit was, Dayton reminded me that things truly could always be worse. Like people were telling me that in the past 10 years, Dayton has really come a long way, and it's such a much better place than it used to be. And I'm just sitting there like, whoa, what's your definition of bad then? But I can't help but think that this is all perception-based. Like my view of good is where I've lived in Connecticut and Rhode Island. My privilege is the fact that I didn't grow up or live in a crime and drug fuel, chaotic city. So, in many ways, maybe Dayton is on its way up, and I should have taken a moment to reflect that not every area is as safe as what I grew up and lived around. And you know what? As much as I bitch and complain, things could always be worse. I mean, right now, am I necessarily happy with the fact that I thought bartending would be my full-time gig, living paycheck to paycheck, no benefits and always stressed if I can make my bills? Not really. I thought this would just be a stopgap until I found my next role. But I'll tell you what, it's a lot better than being totally unemployed like I was a year ago at this time. So at least now I can say I have a job. But the thing is, I never had a good experience with corporate. And then with last year being laid off twice, and then the job market being super competitive now, I think I took what I had for granted. The PTO, the benefits, the more consistent work schedule and paycheck. So I've gone back to applying for corporate gigs again in hopes that I might get something. And I've had a couple interviews. One was for an MLM, which should have been my first red flag when they said limitless income potential. Yeah. So is OnlyFans. But then I had another one that was for a company in Rhode Island, but it was listed as remote, which is why I applied to it. And I get on the phone with somebody who then tells me that it's actually a hybrid role. But 90% of it can be done remotely. So okay, that's the good news. But I've already been low-key lied to. So she's asking me the vetting questions and all this stuff, and finally at the end, you get the typical, do you have any questions for me? And I'm asking questions about the role itself. And she goes, Oh, you'll have to ask these questions to the manager. And it's like, then why am I fucking talking to you? Just another moron who doesn't know what the job entails. But guys, make sure you tip your bartenders because the life of one, especially one who's full time, is not for the faint of heart. I'm working nights, I'm sleeping more during the day, it's a very physically demanding job, and it's draining. I mean, I told you some of the people I deal with, and you just have to smile behind gritted teeth and just say, oh no, it's fine, hoping that they give you a few bucks for their mistake, but somehow it's still always your fault. But also, a year ago I was single, and now I have a girlfriend where things are going really well. And I need to somewhat apologize to you guys because, as you know, I met her within a few weeks of me working this new gig, and then normally, or in my free time I would be doing this, it's been filled up with things to do with my girlfriend. So I'm sorry that I haven't been around for you guys as much, but I also haven't actually found a schedule that works for me, and that's for a multitude of reasons. I mean, my sister got married a few weeks after my friend did, and then a week after that, my other sister had my niece, so I've just had a lot going on. But I'm kind of starting to figure it out, and I also see that some of you have still been listening, so thank you guys for checking out the old stuff. I really appreciate it, and I'm hoping I can get this thing back on track. Because if there's one thing the last few months have taught me, it's that things can always be worse. You think your job sucks until you're unemployed, you think your town's bad until you visit Dayton. You think your glands are fine until your face looks like a Pixar character. And honestly, that's kind of freeing, because it can always get worse. And then even in this mesh right now, it's pretty damn good. So, yeah, I've been gone since July. But if I've learned anything, it's that disappearing once in a while isn't the worst thing. Because sometimes you come back with a better story to tell. So thanks for listening, and we'll catch up next time.
