Episode 15: How the ADHD Coach Coaches Herself

In this weeks episode I’ll be wrapping up season one.  I’m going to take a little break from the pocast, but I will be back! So in this episode, I’m essentially the client because I will take you through some of the processes I went through it getting this podcast up and running and making it to 15 episodes. Hooray!  

I’ll share some of the narratives I had come to believe and how they could have been (and definitely have been in the past) a huge barrier preventing me from doing this thing I wanted to do. 

I’ll also share how my ADHD of course popped up along the way and how I supported myself instead of beating myself up for not being able to do it differently. 

Thanks so much for listening along! I hope you come back and listen to any of these episodes whenever you’re needing some validation, empathy, support, or are just missing me!   

If you enjoyed this episode please subscribe to this podcast and make sure to rate and review so more people can access ADHD coaching support. And I would LOVE for you share it with your friends and family!

Disclaimer:
This podcast is not intended to be a substitute for coaching, therapy, or any other medical intervention.  Rather it is a resource for you the listener to learn more about yourself and your ADHD.  Furthermore, these sessions reflect MY personal style of coaching and how I was trained, and are not meant to be a representation of all ADHD coaching.

All sessions being highlighted in this podcast are being done so with permission from the client being featured. Some details may be slightly altered in order to keep their identity anonymous.   
 
Learn more about my coaching business ADHD with EMILY:
http://www.adhdwithemily.com

If you are interested in working with me and would like to book a free consult,  check here for my availability
https://www.adhdwithemily.com/getstarted

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Transcript

Hello. Welcome back. Thank you so much for joining me on Monday morning, ADHD coaching. I am your host and coach Emily. And I want to start this episode by just letting you know that I'm going to be taking a bit of a break. So, I guess these episodes one through 15 are officially season one. And I've kind of gone back and forth about that because I really do love making each episode. Um, Well, actually, that's not true. I love when I'm finished making each episode and I get to release them to you all. But they're also pretty time and brain consuming, which is okay, but I need a break. So I'm taking one.  

So for this episode, I really wanted to talk about some aspects of this process that have been interesting to me as I'm kind of reflecting back on it. And they do pertain to ADHD and a lot of how I coached myself through different parts of the process. And also I'll give you some of my opinions and realizations I've come to over the past few years. So. Don't worry. You'll still definitely get something out of it. 

All right. First of all, one of the things, and there were many things, but this was a big one. One of the things that allowed me to even get started doing this podcast was the recognition that I don't have to do it forever. And if you're kind of like, uh, Duh, of course you don't bear with me because I'll explain why this part was so key.  

When I first got the idea for this podcast, I was very excited, but also really hesitant about actually doing it. And I noticed I was kind of dragging my feet getting started. And so instead of beating myself up for procrastinating, which historically, and also sometimes is still what I tend to do.  I shifted to curiosity to try to better understand why I was putting it off. And there were lots of reasons, you know, logistics, how do I do it? Where do I get started? Et cetera, et cetera. 

But the big thing I realized was it's because I didn't know how long I would be able or would want to keep it up. And I didn't want it to become another thing that I started and didn't follow through with. And I guess in my head, the definition of following through meant doing it for like eternity. I don't know. Yeah. I think that's basically what I was telling myself as illogical is that sounds saying that right now. It just felt like if I start this, I can't stop. Because the idea of just putting out a few episodes and then deciding not to do it anymore. Well, that felt like it would mean that I was quitting and that felt really icky and disappointing and embarrassing.  And if you've learned nothing else from this podcast, I hope you've learned that what we tend to do when we feel those emotions or even anticipate feeling those emotions. Is that we avoid, right. We find reasons not to do it, or we put it off for some day in the future. We stay away from. The thing that is, or could potentially make us feel like that. 

So now that I could kind of see what was making me avoid this, I started trying to figure out why. Why was that my belief that unless I stuck with something forever, that meant I was quitting. And why was I viewing quitting is such a bad thing. Where did this belief come from? And yes, I probably could have just stopped there and been like, well, that's silly. Of course you don't have to do this forever. You can stop whenever you want

but there was a part of me that was really believing this narrative and would probably continue to believe it deep down, unless I could better understand why. Also now I'm pretty much just curious about almost every single thing that I do and every single belief that I have. So it's just really interesting to me. Anytime I can figure out what's really going on. 

So, you know, some of those famous quotes like winners never quit and quitters never win, and it's always too early to quit. Well, those really seem to fit or even helped shape the narrative in our society. In which there seems to be a fairly negative connotation with stopping pretty much anything you started because it's usually seen as quitting and quitting is seen as giving up. That's even the first definition. If you look up, quit in the dictionary. 

And so the story becomes people who give up are never going to be successful. And it's such black and white thinking. And people with ADHD tend to already be prone to black and white thinking. So it was kind of fits right in with how our brain works already.  And listen, maybe that's just me connecting the dots and using my own beliefs and biases to come to this conclusion. But I'm fairly certain, many of you out there would agree and have also been led to believe this.  

So once I was able to recognize  that I was holding onto this narrative and believing it to be the truth. I mean, subconsciously that is. Well, then it makes sense that I was hesitant about starting.

And what's really hard about this as it pertains to people with ADHD is that we tend to have a lot of interests and those interests are often changing because we like and are motivated by novel things. So something may be interesting and challenging and exciting for a while until it's not anymore. And then suddenly it's boring and has become something we really dread doing. And we might either force ourselves to continue and are miserable and maybe end up burning out. Or we stop and it's seen by others and now by ourselves as yet, another thing we started and inevitably quit. It really just feels like a lose, lose, right. And, you know, this pertains to hobbies, jobs, relationships, places we live like so much. 

 And sometimes I have a hard time even seeing myself as someone who starts and stops a lot of different things, because I don't actually think I do. But as I become more aware of all of this, it's made me really think about how many other things there have been that I might have actually really wanted to do, but I wouldn't let myself, because this felt like the inevitable outcome. And that's likely what would have happened with this podcast. Had I not been able to recognize that I was putting it off and made the choice to get curious about why instead of judging and shaming myself for it, and then probably avoiding it even more until I gave up the idea altogether. 

But if we go back to the dictionary, the first definition may be to give up. But the third definition of quit is to set free. I like that definition a lot more. 'cause maybe sometimes stopping is just that. Setting yourself free of something you simply don't want to do anymore. Maybe it's okay to change your mind. Maybe it's okay to lose interest in something. Maybe it's okay to decide that you simply don't want to do something anymore. Maybe it's okay to realize you don't have the capacity for something anymore, or it no longer fits with the goals in your life. 

One of the things I quit as a kid was guitar lessons. And I have always seen that as a negative, like it was bad that I didn't want to, and couldn't make myself practice anymore. And me quitting just meant that I was giving up. And it's not like I walk around carrying shame or thinking about that all the time, but I definitely use it as evidence of me as a person who might not be able to stick to something.  But now I can see that differently. I was simply no longer interested in the guitar. It wasn't fun. I really didn't enjoy practicing. I just didn't want to do it anymore. And it feels weirdly obvious to say that that's okay. But I don't think that's obvious at all. And I think a lot of people really believe like that's not okay. And I'm not here to try to convince you to change your mind about this. I'm just explaining to you why I changed my mind and how that mindset shift enabled me to actually start this podcast. And how it's also allowing me to take this pause right now and will eventually enable me to stop when I want to stop before I burn out, or I just hate doing it.  

And okay. I want to make it clear, because I have spent a very long time wording and rewording and editing and revising again exactly how I want to say this. Because I'm not trying to imply that the moment you don't want to do something, you should just stop and that's okay. Again, that's black and white thinking. I also believe it's really important to get curious about why you want to stop. Are you overwhelmed? Are you scared? You won't be successful? Are you unsure of how to move forward? Are you worried? You'll be rejected. Because then it might not be the case that you actually want to stop.  You may just need some support in order to continue. And then it's a matter of figuring out and finding that support. But also sometimes we just don't want to do something anymore and I'm really trying to help myself. And I guess everyone listening. See that that's okay. 

Do I really need to continue this podcast forever in order for it to be worth it or successful. And the answer is no. If an author writes one book and then never writes a book again for the rest of their lives. Does that mean their book is useless. Or does that mean that no one can read or enjoy or get something out of it? Like of course not. The book exists forever to whoever wants to read it.

I don't know if that was the best comparison, but it worked for me because it reminded me that even if I only ever did one episode, that episode would exist forever and be available and hopefully helpful to whoever wanted to listen. And that was my goal for the podcast. To create something that would be helpful and healing to anyone who wanted to listen. And I could do that with one or 1000 episodes. 

So then I was like, okay, cool. Yes, I can make a podcast and I can do it for as long as I want and I can stop whenever I want. And again, as simple and obvious as that sounds, getting to that thought is what allowed me to get started. And I did give myself a goal. I was hoping to reach 10 episodes. But also reminding myself that if I hate doing it, I did not have to force myself to continue.  But that did give me something to strive for that felt motivating. And so the fact that I did 15 feels really good. No matter what these 15 episodes of the podcast, they exist for people to listen to whenever they want, whether it's now or in five years, they're there.  Though I should probably check to see like what the fees are for non-active podcast platform, but that is besides the point.

Okay. So that's my reminder to you, whatever project or hobby or job you're wanting to do next, you're allowed to do it for as long as you want. And yes, obviously there are other things to take into consideration. Like finances and whatnot. And those things definitely might change your ability to stop when you want, but I'll say it again, deciding, or even just wanting to stop when you are no longer enjoying something or it's no longer fun for you, does it make you a quitter at least a quitter, according to that first definition. It just means you're a human being whose interests are going to change, and you're allowed to change your mind about what you want to do.  Okay. I think I have exhausted that point. I went on for a little longer than I intended, which is, you know, the story of my life. So we'll move on.  

All right next. And this is a pretty funny one in hindsight because, oh my goodness. Did my ADHD show up big time in making a podcast around understanding and supporting your ADHD.  So, let me explain.

When I finally decided to go ahead and do this, I decided on a few things upfront that would support my ADHD. First I decided to release episodes every other week because the idea of doing one episode every single week was overwhelming. So instead of just forcing myself to suck it up and figure out a way to do it anyways, I decided on every other week, which felt way more manageable. I also decided that I was going to have at least five episodes recorded and ready before I ever released a podcast. That way, like I had a little buffer room and there wouldn't be as much pressure to keep up.  

And maybe some of you can already see where I'm going with this. Because while it was a cute idea and it definitely helped at first. It felt really good to start releasing the episodes, knowing that I had a few all queued up and I didn't have to worry about my next one for like two or three months.  Except duh, I have ADHD. I need deadlines. Urgency motivates me. And my idea was to make a new episode, like every two to three weeks. So I would be able to stay a few episodes ahead for awhile. But because I didn't have to "make podcast episode" quickly became the first thing to bump to tomorrow on the to-do list. And I was probably making one every like three to four weeks, maybe. So, no, I didn't stay ahead. As long as I anticipated.

And yes, this is exactly the kind of thing I work on with clients. So I appreciate the irony.  But also I have ADHD too, just because I'm a coach. Doesn't mean my brain is suddenly that of a neuro-typical. I still struggle to support my ADHD at times. I'm just more aware of why. So I don't have to shame and blame myself and sit around wondering what's wrong with me that I can't keep up.  

And along with helping my clients find strategies to get things done before they become urgent.  I also try to help them see that using urgency as a motivator, isn't always a problem. It's not always a bad thing. Sometimes it's actually just utilizing a strength of ours, which is to absolutely kick it into gear at the 12th hour and get something done. 

And so while I was able to support myself and use different strategies to get a few episodes done before I was right up against the clock. I was also up against the clock for a few of these episodes, um, including this one. Sort of, I'm not totally up against the clock yet. I might be by the time I'm done editing it though. 

But here's the thing when I don't have a deadline, it really does take me so many more hours total to brainstorm, prepare, record, and edit an episode because that includes like a lot of procrastination time, uh, editing and re-editing, and re-editing probably too many times. Starting and stopping one day and then taking a lot of time the next day to like, not only figure out where I stopped, but also to kind of get back in the flow. So it just adds up to more hours. But when I'm up against the clock, I just go, I get in a really good flow. I dropped some of the perfectionistic tendencies because there's simply no time.  I also don't drink water and I skip a meal or two, and I probably stay up too late, but I just go and I get it done.

Making this podcast has been hard. It's hard if I choose to methodically chip away at it. So it's ready way before the release date. And it's also hard if I save it until the last minute. So instead of forcing that initial expectation of myself to always stay a few episodes ahead. I've just tried to be more intentional about which hard I'm choosing and give zero energy to judging myself for what that looks like. Okay. Maybe not zero energy. I'm still human. I have thought patterns and beliefs that are still pretty ingrained, but it's way less energy. And I'm also more aware that it's, it's just garbage judgment. 

Okay. So the last part, and this is something that I had planned to weave into an episode. If I had used one of the sessions where it came up at somehow, I didn't use any of those sessions, which is weird because it definitely comes up a lot. And this one is around what people will think. And this is a topic that I have a lot of thoughts about if you're listening and you've been on the receiving end of me, ranting about my thoughts. Well, you get to hear them again. 

And here's the thing I want you to know before I even get started with this part.  I really, really care what you think about me. Yes, everyone listening, even if I don't know you, but especially if I do know you, I care what you think about what I have to say. I care if you agree or disagree with me, I care if you're judging me or judging the things I say. I care if you're rolling your eyes at some of this stuff, I care. If you make fun of this podcast, I care. I really want you to like me and I really want you to like this podcast. 

Do I wish I didn't. Yeah, I do. That would be lovely to not care at all. If people didn't like this podcast or if people didn't like me, that'd be so nice. I would get to avoid so much discomfort and rumination and overthinking, and it would just be so much easier to do this. But also it's not at all reality. And I think it's important for people listening to know that I wasn't able to make this podcast and put myself out there because I finally got to a place where I fully accept myself just as I am and no longer care what anyone else thinks of me. I was able to make this podcast because I've worked really hard and accepting the fact that I do care, what people think of me.  And that probably sounds weird, but let me explain further.  

I've worked with a lot of clients who are just living in such fear around what other people think of them. And that's hard. And it makes sense because there are actually statistics and I'm not going to find them right now. Sorry, this episode's already taking me way too long. But there are actual statistics around how much more negative feedback neurodivergent kids receive growing up in comparison to neuro-typical kids. 

And it's a lot more. And I think that continues into adulthood. But I think what actually makes it way harder is that on top of that, They're really like mad at themselves and beating themselves up for carrying so much. They'll say things like, oh, I wish I just didn't care what this person or what these people think of me.  And then they might see it as their own fault, right? Like if they could just fully love and accept themselves, then it wouldn't matter what other people think. Right. And to that I say, I don't know, maybe, but also I lean towards maybe not. 

I've become much more accepting of myself. And who I am over the past few years and I still really care what other people think of me. I still want everyone to like me and think I'm a good person. And it's my opinion that everyone cares. What other people think of them. Again,  I said, that's my opinion. Feel free to disagree. I think there may be varying amounts that people care, but I think deep down, all people care and anyone who says they don't, I just don't buy it. I could be fully wrong, but I don't. And that's because we're human beings and we're wired for connection. So it does matter what other people think. And if. other people like us, because if no one likes us and everyone thinks we're awful, we lose all connection and we can't survive without connection.

And it got me really thinking about why people are so desperate to not care what others think, why that is the goal. And here's what I've realized.  I think it's been ingrained in us from a very young age and continues to be ingrained all throughout life that we shouldn't care. Right. Because anyone ever said to you, you can't care what everyone thinks of. You. People say this to their kids all the time. If someone's making fun of them or it doesn't like them, we say it doesn't matter what they think it matters. What you think. If you like yourself, that's all that matters.  

And this is said with such good intention. I have absolutely said this to my kids. We say it to protect their feelings. Right. We don't want to see them hurt. So we tell them it doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter. And if you've said this to your kid, no judgment here. Like I said, I've absolutely given this message to my kids in the past. And we'll likely resort to saying something like this again, in the future. But the truth is it does matter. And it hurts when people don't like us or judge us or are mean to us or exclude us or make fun of us. It just does. So of course we care. 

But then, because we've received the message so often that it shouldn't matter.  And this message is coming from more places than just a parent it's coming from books, shows teachers, coaches, motivational speakers, advertising self-help books. Like it's a societal message. That again. I do think is a well-intentioned one, because if we didn't care, then yet wouldn't hurt so much. When someone rejects us in some way, it's solving for the painful part. But if it shouldn't matter, we shouldn't care. Well, not only is it painful if someone doesn't like us or criticizes us because we truly do care.  But we actually make it more painful because then we begin to judge ourselves on top of it for caring so much. The rejection is like the clean pain that we really can't control. The self judgment then becomes the additional pain we're just piling on top.

And somewhere along the way, the messaging became a belief, at least for me. And it's something along the lines of, you know, successful people don't care what anyone else thinks of them. Right. Like caring what others think makes you weak. And it takes real strength or a strong person to not care. It's, it's that idea of having thick skin. And that's seen as a really positive attribute, whereas being sensitive and being thin, skinned or caring. What other people think well, that can be seen as a negative attribute and one, that's not going to help you in life. 

And no one wants to be seen as weak or see themselves as weak. And the idea of not having to feel hurt or feel rejected by other people. That sounds pretty good. And so someone might either, you know, claim to not care or maybe really, truly convinced themselves that they don't care.  Which I tend to see as maybe a way of protecting yourself from being hurt. Not always, I'm not going to generalize for everyone. But often I think it might be that. Or they're trying so hard to not care and they're really just beating themselves up about it when they do. 

And oftentimes when this comes up in a session, clients are like fantasizing about how much easier life would be and all the things they would do. if they just didn't care. What anyone thinks of them? And tend to feel like it's their fault, because if they could just fully love and accept themselves, then they wouldn't have to care so much.  But what, if both can be true, what if you can love and accept yourself, whether that be partially or fully.  And still care. What other people think of you? Have I made this confusing. I hope you're still following along and understanding what I'm trying to say. Sometimes they get to a point where I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. 

But.  I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I think that narrative sucks. The one that says you shouldn't care. What other people think. it's just really shame, inducing. Most things that start with should or shouldn't are, I want to throw it in the garbage and introduce a new one that it's okay to care. What other people think of you? It matters to you because you're human and it doesn't make you a weak person. It just makes you a person who cares.

Now that doesn't mean what they think is true, right? There's a difference between caring and believing what they think, but caring isn't bad. It isn't weak. It just is. And if we can work towards accepting reality, which is. that we do care. Then the focus can shift to like, it's possible that I can care. about what other people think of me. and It. doesn't have to change what I think of me and I can still do XYZ regardless. And then we can just allow for it to hurt. And we can learn how to support ourselves or ask for support. When someone does inevitably judge or disagree or say mean things about you?  Because it's almost inevitable that they will.

So all of that to say, it's not that I was able to make this podcast and put it out there because I finally don't give a crap about what anyone else thinks of me.  I did it because I was able to recognize that I do care and that's not a bad thing. It's not something I need to fix. It just means that it will feel really uncomfortable and scary at times. And I've been working really hard at getting comfortable. Being uncomfortable and scared. So if you're feeling really envious of those people who just don't seem to care or even claim they don't, and you shouldn't either. I just want to tell you that it's okay. If you care. I do too.

Okay. I think I'm going to wrap it up there, but I did want to add. You know, if you've listened to these episodes and you've really been able to relate to my clients and their stories and you find my approach or style of coaching is something you'd be interested in for yourself. Definitely reach out to me, depending on when you're listening to this, I may or may not have openings for one-on-one clients at the time. But if you go to my website, which is a D H D with emily.com. And put your name on my wait list. We can actually go ahead and set up a free consult right away. So you can ask me questions, let me know more about yourself and we can kind of just get to know each other more. That way, once I do have an opening, if you've decided it feels like a good fit and you'd like to start working with me, we can just get started right away. 

And I will be back eventually, who knows when, but I know I will, because I'm still really passionate about supporting ADHD ers.  I really appreciate the feedback I've gotten from some of you, because again, I care what you think, and it helps motivate me to continue. And I haven't asked. All season. But I'm going to ask today. , if you're listening, can you please go rate this podcast? And if you're feeling extra motivated, I would love, love, love. If you could write a review and, you know, give me a little dopamine boost as I go about my day. 

I have absolutely no idea. How like the algorithms in the podcasting world work. But I feel like there's something having to do with  the more ratings and reviews. The more people are able to find this podcast and listen to it. And.  Hopefully it will help those people too. So help me help other people. And listen, I'll be totally honest. I hardly ever write reviews for other podcasts because you know, I'll do it later. , so I won't be offended if you don't. I'll also just assume that you to plan on quote unquote, doing it later.

All right. Thank you all so much for listening to these episodes. And I will see you soon for season two by.