Stop "Shoulding" on People (Yes, You Read That Right)

For Your Consultation/Consideration: Stop shudding on each other!
You read that right...think about what you really mean when you use the word "should" in a sentence or question.  What expectations are you trying to communicate?  Are they fair? Are they inclusive?
Most folx don't appreciate getting shud on, so let's work to keep that from happening.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Beyond the Training. This is Robert, Mr. Robert, and this is for your consultation. Or maybe it's for your consideration. I still haven't figured that part out. The reason that we're here is because I'm going to give you something in consultation to try to take your intentional, very purposeful work even beyond what you had imagined, and into greater impact. Today's conversation is another challenge by choice. This is the one about should. Now, when I take these uh recordings and post them, I tell all the different places Apple, Spotify, uh all those other places that are recording, listening to this, that there's no explicit information. There are no explicit words in this podcast. And that said, what you're going to hear, your brain is going to trick you into thinking is that I am cussing on this episode. And I assure you, I am not, and at the same time, it is meant to trick your brain. So here we go. I want you to consider not shoulding on anybody anymore. Yeah, that's that's right. I don't want you to should on people. S H O U L D, or in the text world, maybe S-H-U-D. In any case, a lot of times we use the word should in an effort to help people understand what we want them to do or what we think is best for them or what we think is best for the organizations we happen to work for. And we use the word should because that helps them to understand how important that thing is or how important that that well expectation is. And I wonder, when you're delivering on your intentionality, when you are trying to build the most inclusive type of organization or relationship, how does it feel to be should on? Like when someone shoulds on you, does it feel like that expectation maybe is unrealistic or unfair? Or perhaps someone shouldn't on you feels like perhaps they have some idea about you that isn't correct and isn't accurate? Well, certainly that's been my experience. When someone shoulds on me, I I don't feel good. It doesn't feel good. In fact, metaphorically, it stinks. And so I want to challenge you. Think about all the times that you might use the word should in conversation, in a directive, in a relationship. So that's person to person, that might be in a team meeting, that might even be when you are speaking to a large group, and you say, You should, I should, maybe we should. Think about what is the expectation you're trying to communicate. And if you indeed have an expectation of those people or that relationship, think about before you say should, how that might land. What do those folks know about you? Uh, what is in the relationship that you have that indicates that there's even you have a right to shoot on them? Are you the parent in this relationship? Do parents should on their kids? Absolutely, parents should on their kids. And at the same time, what it tells them is that there's an expectation. I wonder if there's another way to describe, to communicate what it is that we want or think or say without shooting on them. Do partners should on each other all the time. I I've showed on my uh wife a number of times, I've showed on my kids a number of times. I have shoot on my mother and brother. It's not fair to them to sh to be shit on or to shoot on them because what you think what I'm saying is I know more than they do uh about their situation. Or I have some back pocket secrets that makes me a professional in their experience. And although I do in those relationships with my kids, with my partner, with my family members, I do have an expectation of them. How fair is it to tell them what they should do? Who they should be or how they should be? And if I'm trying to work to be more inclusive and certainly equitable in my impact, shoulding on someone actually undoes that. To should on someone really gives them an opportunity to understand that I don't think they have the autonomy, the agency that they need to have. And we know those of us who've been listening to this pod for a while, know that inside agency is really worked towards humanity and human humanization. So many years, uh, so many centuries in our human history have been guided by folks taking agency away from other folks. Now, I'm not saying that if you should on somebody, that you're automatically dehumanizing them. I'm just saying that this is a connection to it. For your consideration, for your consultation, what might happen if you take the word should out of your vocabulary? And not not fully, right? It's um I I love the English language and I love to have words, and so I'm not saying take uh a whole word away for the rest of your life. I'm challenging you in this episode to think about if I work to not should on people, what else is there? What what what's another word that I might be able to use in this sentence as opposed to should? Uh you you really should call your mother more often and and tell her that you love her. Well, if you if I should, what does that really mean? What are you trying to explain to me? What why are you using the word should? Why are you shooting on me? Do you want me to call my mother? I I can do that. Call your mom. Tell her how much she loves her. Hey mom, it's me. I love you. Uh, you really should take out the trash. Why are we shooting on it? Why not just either say take out the trash? Because that's what it is. What did you really mean? So the should is only bypassing the intentionality and really not getting on the impact. Like, if that's what I want from you, if that's what I need from you, then do it. We really should consider uh the impact of our words on others. That's different than consider the words, the impact of the words that you have and that you use. And so, two questions I want you to think about when considering the word should. First of all, how often has your brain paused uh in the last couple of minutes when I've said that word that makes you think, what is he really saying? That's part of the biases that our brains have, and I love to be able to play with that. I love the play on words. But do two real questions. First, what does it mean when I use the word should? What do I mean? What am I trying to communicate? And then the second, why am I using it? Why am I saying the word should? There's a purpose. And remember, in this pod, we're trying to go beyond our just our intentionality, just our purpose, and really thinking about our impact. So, what is the impact of the word should and how we should on one another? And is it aligned with our impact? Are you really trying to communicate something that is an expectation? Why not say this is what I expect of you in our relationship, in this conversation, in this work? A should takes away the intentionality of that expectation. And if you are not a person who has a right to or has the relationship for an expectation like that, like a parent, like a significant other, uh, maybe even a uh hierarchical uh organization, if you don't have access to that expectation, why are you shooting on that person? And more often, I would want you to think about when you're using the word should, how does it feel to be should on? I can't imagine it feels great. I can't imagine you can remember in time when you know you said you know, I I really like when they should on me. You know, it's just there's something to that that being should on that I really want to make sure that's what I want you to be considering uh after this. For your consultation, for your consideration, I want you to challenge yourself to try not to use the word should and see what happens. Try it for a day, try it for a week, and even the intentionality around thinking about this word is gonna change how you see that conversation, these relationships, and that's what it's all about. Moving from really great intent to even greater impact. And the challenge I give to you is to look into that word and think about maybe let's not shoot on each other as much as we used to. This has been the Beyond the Training podcast where we go from really good intentions to even greater impact. And we want to hear from you. Is this something that is gonna be a challenge for you? Do you shoot on people? Well, if you do, send us an email at impact at seven focus.com and let us know maybe if you're challenged by this or if this is working for you. Or maybe you don't even use that word at all. We want to hear from you either on our social media or sending us an email, drop us a text, and we will see you next time.