Hustle & Flow
Join us for the wisdom, humor and insight from a married couple of 33 years on the hustle and flow of life.
We have worked so many types of jobs over 33 years. We have worked in the service industry, retail, corporate and blue collar work. We have been Realtors for 18 years, managing property, flipping houses and owning short term rentals. We have worked staff work which includes everything from Pastoring to Youth Pastoring to Children’s ministry.
We have been involved in CrossFit for over 11 years, owning a gym, coaching and actively working out. We are involved in Spartan races and travel the nation competing.
We own a Dessert Cafe called Crave in Downtown Tupelo that has been open since 2014. We currently have three locations.
We have raised four children and currently have two grandchildren. Family is of utmost importance to us.
We have a life full of stories that we can’t wait to share with you.
Hustle & Flow
Married But Single
Good morning. This is Brad and I'm with my wife, tiffany, and we are the authors of the Hustle Flow podcast Coming to you today. We're doing a series of summer shorts. It's going to be some 10, 12 minutes, something like that. We're going to talk about some subjects, just simple things that we're going to try to develop one idea. Good morning, tiffany.
Speaker 2:Good morning.
Speaker 1:Hey, we're going to talk this morning about being married but single, and when I say that, people's like that doesn't make any sense. If you're married, you're not single. But we're going to submit to you this morning that you can be married but feel like you're single. How do you feel about that?
Speaker 2:Tiff. I mean, I think it does make sense. I think that there are people that will hear it and think, yeah, that's exactly how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm single, that I might as well be, because that's what it feels like sometimes.
Speaker 1:Well, what does that look like? I mean, just off the cuff, give me an example. I mean I'm thinking, let's just use a wife, for example, and she goes to work. Say she has a full-time job, they have 2.5 kids, so she goes to work, she comes home, dinner's expected, you got to take care of the house, you got to take care of the kids, and then you don't feel like maybe you're getting a good contribution from your spouse and it feels like you're a single mother and uh, that can just be build a lot of frustration. It can make you just kind of think why am I even married anyway if I'm not getting a contribution from my spouse? So that's one example that I think is there. Is there something else? Maybe that pops into your mind when, when you think of those things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's other things. I think. That is one that I hear often, though, when we're talking to married couples that are younger is feeling like the weight is not evenly distributed and maybe they're single. It feels like a lot of times when they have more weight of taking care of the kids and running the household and those kind of things I think. Another thought that pops in my mind is when people become empty nesters, that because we haven't maybe had shared interest over the years, now that the kids are gone, that was our shared interest, that was the thing that would bring us together, maybe ball games or different things that the kids are involved in, dance, or things that we had to be present, both present for so we might talk while the kids are doing whatever it was that they did, and now that the kids are gone, we haven't maybe had those shared interests.
Speaker 2:And so you go play golf during the week, all weekend long, I go play pickleball, and we don't do either of those things. But you know, and we're just living single. We come in and we may eat together or we may not, right Depending on the different things that we do. Maybe even maybe, we jump into our jobs more, maybe I, maybe I'm a realtor, which I'm not anymore, and I'm showing houses all day, all night. I go meet my realtor friends after work and you do whatever it is you do, and we're just kind of coexisting and living single.
Speaker 1:I like that example and I especially like it from a empty nester standpoint, because that's that's where we are. We've been that way for several years and I think that it is easy, especially when your kids are your only real shared interest as you're going through the formative years of marriage, because when they move out, that really changes things and I think that's a good point to start at. To go backwards is that you, as a husband and wife, it's important that you develop something that you do together, that you do have some kind of shared interest.
Speaker 2:And that's hard sometimes because I know we're. You know we spend a lot of time together and we'll talk later about probably quality time versus quantity time but we're constantly trying to find stuff that we can do together, constantly trying to find stuff that we can do together and it's and just being honest, that is harder than it would seem sometimes because we, as an example, are so completely different. I am perfect, perfectly content to go out. If we're going to go run together, for example, and run a very slow 5K and talk the whole time, well, you want to go out and run a 50K and not talk the whole time. So even running together is not even that simple. But we've tried different things to find something to do together, and so I understand for people to find a common interest. Sometimes it can be hard to do that.
Speaker 1:And it is extremely difficult because if you're married for any length of time, you will discover that you and your spouse are not the same, and I think the older I get, the more I recognize we're not the same people at all.
Speaker 1:Like it's, it's and it used to frustrate me. I will. I will say that it used to frustrate me. I wanted you to be more like me, and cause I kept thinking, well, that's just stupid, like that, and why wouldn't you just do this? This makes sense to me because I was thinking, in the patterns of my mind and how I operate, in the things that I do, and I wanted you to be like me, instead of realizing that you are your own person and you do have your own separate identity and you do have ideas, and you do have ideas and you do have dreams and you do have things that you enjoy as well, and I can't make you like me.
Speaker 1:So that's where it gets difficult to find that common interest. Because you're right, yeah, there are days I enjoy going and running and just talking, but for the most part, I'm just built to try to. I want to do stuff. That's hard and I'd rather go out and do something that just absolutely gasses me than I had going and just having a casual conversation. But, that being said, we still have to work to find common interest and we deal. We cannot afford. We've been together 35 years. We can't afford to become single at this point in our marriage, because you need me and I need you. You make me better.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because I mean, for example, for me, I did not get married to be single.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:I got married because I wanted somebody to go to TJ Maxx with, to go eat with me. I hate eating by myself.
Speaker 1:That is weird to me, but that's always been your thing.
Speaker 2:I despise going somewhere eating by myself because I feel like everybody's looking at me saying what a loser that nobody will eat with them. I can't stand it. But yeah, I married somebody to take a road trip with me and just to be able to talk to and to have a built-in best friend. People say you know their kids are built-in best friends, and yes they are. But you know, and I need somebody, and some, and learn to share your you know, share your, your heart and learn to lay down selfishness. You can find yourself being very lonely and start to have those thoughts of am I just living single?
Speaker 2:And some, some people may even have the shared interest, the shared goals, but something happens and there's resentment there that builds up and because of something happened that got unresolved, you can find yourself in that place of feeling lonely. I was thinking about a couple. Something did happen and it never really got resolved and it wasn't an affair, it was just a breakdown in communication and then a breakdown of involvement, of the other person wanting to be involved anymore. And so now I can't remember how many years, but I I think it's something like now they've they've been going on 10 years of marriage, of living together as roommates, basically no, no physical intimacy anymore. No, any kind of intimacy, no celebration of anniversaries, no romanticism, nothing, just going their own separate ways. And you know, I've I've heard the wife talk about how it really does just get lonely, and that is, that is the prime example of kind of what we're talking about, of married but living single, and that's it's, it's sad existence and I hate that because, yeah, you know I've said it before you can become conjugal roommates.
Speaker 1:Make sure you pay your half of the bills. Hey, can you Venmo me Because I went ahead and took care of the mortgage. I need you to Venmo me your half. And then occasionally, you know, you may get that urge. You know what I'm talking about if you're married and you want to have sex one night.
Speaker 1:But you had just said this couple has evolved to the point that they're not even intimate anymore at all, that they are existing and that they're basically two single people cohabitating in a house together with a marriage band on, and that's a hard existence. I know you said that you married somebody to be road tripping with, to go to TJ Maxx and Target and to be intimate with not necessarily just sexual, but intimate in the fact that you can share your heart, you can share your feelings, you can share your emotions, and that it was maybe a built-in best friend. And I think that friendship evolves over time, that it was maybe a built-in best friend and I think that that friendship evolves over time and becoming best friends is is part of intimacy and exposing yourself to the other person and you can isolate yourself, uh, to a point that that you will become lonely, and it's one of those things that it's just a weird thing to be married but single and some of you listening to this today you know what we're talking about. You come home and, yeah, you may have a ring on your finger, you may still have loyalty and fidelity in your heart that you've not committed adultery with somebody else, but you come home and there is nothing there and we just want to encourage you today that you can be married and married, that you don't have to be married and single, that you can be married and married and you can decide.
Speaker 1:Even where you're at today, if you feel like your marriage is maybe on the rocks, if you feel like you're having some situations, that this resonates with you, it's a conversation that you need to have. You need to look at your spouse and say, hey, Tiff, I just I feel like lately that maybe we've been drifting apart, that maybe you know you have your goals and there's some things you're doing here, or you know, I've kind of feel like I've drifted a little bit and have that conversation and you have to make that choice to try to come back together and listen to it. I'm not here to tell you that that's easy, because it is not, Would you agree? It is not easy, once those paths have diverged, to bring them back together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's hard. I think, first of all, you know you need to evaluate exactly where you're at, make sure your expectations are are realistic and that you're not basing your expectations off of movies and books and all those things. But it's a realistic expectation and then, if it's not, if it's not too far deep or too far gone, then you sit down and have some honest conversations and you prioritize things like quality time. Quality time is important to me. You and I are together a lot because we work together and we do go to the gym together. We do all those things. But that I don't. I mean that doesn't, that doesn't do much for me. I, I and I this is, you know, know, it's something I bring up a lot Like. I need some quality time, I need an actual date. I need you to take me somewhere. You you loved to wine and dine me not necessarily wine me, because we were underage, but you were, you know.
Speaker 2:Maybe a little, I don't know you showed me lots of attention and time when we were dating and so I still want that 35 years later. Um, and then just of course think, okay, how can I be better? Have I been selfish in some areas? What can I give up, what can I set aside? And then just try hard to reconnect and then, if none of that works and it's too far gone for that, then then find, find a good marriage counselor, get out there and really put the work and the effort in to reconnect so that you're you know, remember why you got married in the first place.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's that's a good point, and that's a great place to stop there, and I think it's this way. You got to remember it's us, not me, it's us and there's two people in this marriage and, as much as you may be hurting, or maybe you feel lonely, your spouse may feel the same way.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And it's important to have conversations and not just isolate yourself and think you know what. This is, how it is and this is how it's always going to be. I will tell you that there's a 100% chance that your marriage can change if you allow yourself the space to spend time with your spouse, to reconnect and to make it about us and not about me. So we just want to encourage you today Married but single is a lonely existence and we want to encourage you to have that hard discussion with your spouse even tonight. Set aside some time, maybe get a babysitter this weekend or whatever it takes to have that conversation and say listen, I love you and I don't want to be this way. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to reconnect with you and I tell you romance is there, it's there. You just have to rekindle the fire and we love you. We just want to encourage you today. There's two kinds of people. There's kinds that talk the talk. There's kinds that walk the walk.
