Married But Single

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Good morning . This is Brad and I'm with my wife , tiffany , and we are the authors of the Hustle Flow podcast Coming to you today . We're doing a series of summer shorts . It's going to be some 10 , 12 minutes , something like that . We're going to talk about some subjects , just simple things that we're going to try to develop

Introduction to Married But Single

Speaker 1 0:17

one idea . Good morning , tiffany .

Speaker 2 0:18

Good morning .

Speaker 1 0:19

Hey , we're going to talk this morning about being married but single , and when I say that , people's like that doesn't make any sense . If you're married , you're not single . But we're going to submit to you this morning that you can be married but feel like you're single . How do you feel about that ?

Speaker 2 0:39

Tiff . I mean , I think it does make sense . I think that there are people that will hear it and think , yeah , that's exactly how I feel . Sometimes I feel like I'm single , that I might as well be , because that's what it feels like sometimes .

Speaker 1 0:53

Well , what does that look like ? I mean , just off the cuff , give me an example . I mean I'm thinking , let's just use a wife , for example , and she goes to work . Say she has a full-time job , they have 2.5 kids , so she goes to work , she comes home ,

What Married But Single Looks Like

Speaker 1 1:11

dinner's expected , you got to take care of the house , you got to take care of the kids , and then you don't feel like maybe you're getting a good contribution from your spouse and it feels like you're a single mother and uh , that can just be build a lot of frustration . It can make you just kind of think why am I even married anyway if I'm not getting a contribution from my spouse ? So that's one example that I think is there . Is there something else ? Maybe that pops into your mind when , when you think of those things .

Speaker 2 1:44

Yeah , there's other things . I think . That is one that I hear often , though , when we're talking to married couples that are younger is feeling like the weight is not evenly distributed and maybe they're single . It feels like a lot of times when they have more weight of taking care of the kids and running the household and those kind of things I think . Another thought that pops in my mind is when people become empty nesters , that because we haven't maybe had shared interest over the years , now that the kids are gone , that was our shared interest , that was the thing that would bring us together , maybe ball games or different things that the kids are involved in , dance , or things that we had to be present , both present for so we might talk while the kids are doing whatever it was that they did , and now that the kids are gone , we haven't maybe had those shared interests .

Speaker 2 2:53

And so you go play golf during the week , all weekend long , I go play pickleball , and we don't do either of those things . But you know , and we're just living single . We come in and we may eat together or we may not , right Depending on the different things that we do . Maybe even maybe , we jump into our jobs more , maybe I , maybe I'm a realtor , which I'm not anymore , and I'm showing houses all day , all night . I go meet my realtor friends after work and you do whatever it is you do , and we're just kind of coexisting and living single .

Speaker 1 3:32

I like that example and I especially like it from a empty nester standpoint , because that's that's where we are . We've been that way for several years and I think that it is easy , especially when your kids are your only real shared interest as you're going through the formative years of marriage , because when they move out , that really changes things and I think that's a good point to start at . To go backwards is that you , as a husband and wife , it's important that you develop something that you do together , that you do have some kind of shared interest .

Speaker 2 4:07

And that's hard sometimes because I know we're . You know we spend a lot of time together and we'll talk later about probably quality time versus quantity time but we're constantly trying to find stuff that we can do together , constantly trying to find stuff that we can do together and it's and just being honest , that is harder than it would seem sometimes because we , as an example , are so completely different . I am perfect , perfectly content to go out . If we're going to go run together , for example , and run a very slow 5K and talk the whole time , well , you want to go out and run a 50K and not talk the whole time . So even running together

Finding Common Ground Despite Differences

Speaker 2 4:53

is not even that simple . But we've tried different things to find something to do together , and so I understand for people to find a common interest . Sometimes it can be hard to do that .

Speaker 1 5:06

And it is extremely difficult because if you're married for any length of time , you will discover that you and your spouse are not the same , and I think the older I get , the more I recognize we're not the same people at all .

Speaker 1 5:27

Like it's , it's and it used to frustrate me . I will . I will say that it used to frustrate me . I wanted you to be more like me , and cause I kept thinking , well , that's just stupid , like that , and why wouldn't you just do this ? This makes sense to me because I was thinking , in the patterns of my mind and how I operate , in the things that I do , and I wanted you to be like me , instead of realizing that you are your own person and you do have your own separate identity and you do have ideas , and you do have ideas and you do have dreams and you do have things that you enjoy as well , and I can't make you like me .

Speaker 1 6:02

So that's where it gets difficult to find that common interest . Because you're right , yeah , there are days I enjoy going and running and just talking , but for the most part , I'm just built to try to . I want to do stuff . That's hard and I'd rather go out and do something that just absolutely gasses me than I had going and just having a casual conversation . But , that being said , we still have to work to find common interest and we deal . We cannot afford . We've been together 35 years . We can't afford to become single at this point in our marriage , because you need me and I need you . You make me better .

Speaker 2 6:48

Yeah , because I mean , for example , for me , I did not get married to be single .

Speaker 1 6:53

No .

Speaker 2 6:53

I got married because I wanted somebody to go to TJ Maxx with , to go eat with me . I hate eating by myself .

Speaker 1 6:59

That is weird to me , but that's always been your thing .

Speaker 2 7:02

I despise going somewhere eating by myself because I feel like everybody's looking at me saying what a loser that nobody will eat with them . I can't stand it . But yeah , I married somebody to take a road trip with me and just to be able to talk to and to have a built-in best friend . People say you know their kids are built-in best friends , and yes they are . But you know , and I need somebody , and some , and learn to share your you know , share your , your heart and learn to lay down selfishness . You can find yourself being very lonely and start to have those thoughts of am I just living single ?

Speaker 2 7:48

And some , some people may even have the shared interest , the shared goals , but something happens and there's resentment there that builds up and because of something happened that got unresolved , you can find yourself in that place of feeling lonely . I was thinking about a couple . Something did happen and it never really got resolved and it wasn't an affair , it was just a breakdown in communication and then a breakdown of involvement , of the other person wanting to be involved anymore . And so now I can't remember how many years , but I I think it's something like now they've they've been going on 10 years of marriage , of living together as roommates , basically no , no physical intimacy anymore . No , any kind of intimacy , no celebration of anniversaries , no romanticism , nothing , just going their own separate ways . And you know , I've I've heard the wife talk about how it really does just get

From Roommates to True Partners

Speaker 2 8:46

lonely , and that is , that is the prime example of kind of what we're talking about , of married but living single , and that's it's , it's sad existence and I hate that because , yeah , you know I've said it before you can become conjugal roommates .

Speaker 1 9:06

Make sure you pay your half of the bills . Hey , can you Venmo me Because I went ahead and took care of the mortgage . I need you to Venmo me your half . And then occasionally , you know , you may get that urge . You know what I'm talking about if you're married and you want to have sex one night .

Speaker 1 9:21

But you had just said this couple has evolved to the point that they're not even intimate anymore at all , that they are existing and that they're basically two single people cohabitating in a house together with a marriage band on , and that's a hard existence . I know you said that you married somebody to be road tripping with , to go to TJ Maxx and Target and to be intimate with not necessarily just sexual , but intimate in the fact that you can share your heart , you can share your feelings , you can share your emotions , and that it was maybe a built-in best friend . And I think that friendship evolves over time , that it was maybe a built-in best friend and I think that that friendship evolves over time and becoming best friends is is part of intimacy and exposing yourself to the other person and you can isolate yourself , uh , to a point that that you will become lonely , and it's one of those things that it's just a weird thing to be married but single and some of you listening to this today you know what we're talking about . You come home and , yeah , you may have a ring on your finger , you may still have loyalty and fidelity in your heart that you've not committed adultery with somebody else , but you come home and there is nothing there and we just want to encourage you today that you can be married and married , that you don't have to be married and single , that you can be married and married and you can decide .

Speaker 1 10:55

Even where you're at today , if you feel like your marriage is maybe on the rocks , if you feel like you're having some situations , that this resonates with you , it's a conversation that you need to have . You need to look at your spouse and say , hey , Tiff , I just I feel like lately that maybe we've been drifting apart , that maybe you know you have your goals and there's some things you're doing here , or you know , I've kind of feel like I've drifted a little bit and have that conversation and you have to make that choice to try to come back together and listen to it . I'm not here to tell you that that's easy , because it is not , Would you agree ? It is not easy , once those paths have diverged , to bring them back together .

Speaker 2 11:40

Yeah , I think it's hard . I think , first of all , you know you need to evaluate exactly where you're at , make sure your expectations are are realistic and that you're not basing your expectations off of movies and books and all those things . But it's a realistic expectation and then , if it's not , if it's not too far deep or too far gone , then you sit down and have some honest conversations and you prioritize things like quality time . Quality time is important to me . You and I are together a lot because we work together and we do go to the gym together . We do all those things . But that I don't . I mean that doesn't , that doesn't do much for me . I , I and I this is , you know , know , it's something I bring up a lot Like . I need some quality time , I need an actual date . I need you to take me somewhere . You you loved to wine and dine me not necessarily wine me , because we were underage , but you were , you know .

Speaker 2 12:41

Maybe a little , I don't know you showed me lots of attention and time

Rekindling Connection and Moving Forward

Speaker 2 12:44

when we were dating and so I still want that 35 years later . Um , and then just of course think , okay , how can I be better ? Have I been selfish in some areas ? What can I give up , what can I set aside ? And then just try hard to reconnect and then , if none of that works and it's too far gone for that , then then find , find a good marriage counselor , get out there and really put the work and the effort in to reconnect so that you're you know , remember why you got married in the first place .

Speaker 1 13:17

Yeah , and that's that's a good point , and that's a great place to stop there , and I think it's this way . You got to remember it's us , not me , it's us and there's two people in this marriage and , as much as you may be hurting , or maybe you feel lonely , your spouse may feel the same way .

Speaker 2 13:42

Right .

Speaker 1 13:42

And it's important to have conversations and not just isolate yourself and think you know what . This is , how it is and this is how it's always going to be . I will tell you that there's a 100% chance that your marriage can change if you allow yourself the space to spend time with your spouse , to reconnect and to make it about us and not about me . So we just want to encourage you today Married but single is a lonely existence and we want to encourage you to have that hard discussion with your spouse even tonight . Set aside some time , maybe get a babysitter this weekend or whatever it takes to have that conversation and say listen , I love you and I don't want to be this way . I don't want to feel this way anymore . I want to reconnect with you and I tell you romance is there , it's there . You just have to rekindle the fire and we love you . We just want to encourage you today . There's two kinds of people . There's kinds that talk the talk . There's kinds that walk the walk .