4 NOT 2

Have you every had an event or challenge in your life and asked, "Why is this happening TO me?"  Yeah, me too...

Most people walk through life like it’s happening to them.  A smaller group walks through life like it’s happening for them.

Same events. Same world. Same chaos. Different interpretation. Different outcome. This isn’t some soft, motivational fluff. It’s a practical advantage.

Join Dave for some 4ward thinking on:

• 10 Times It Looked Like “TO”...But It Was Actually “FOR”
• Why We Miss the “FOR” 
• Who Lives in “TO”? (Personality Patterns)
• How Life Experiences Shape “2” Instead of “4”
• What Happens to “2’s” (TO Thinkers)
• What Happens to “4’s” (FOR Thinkers)
• How to Become a “4” (And Stay There)

The Truth Most People Don’t Want to Hear:  You don’t get to control what happens.

But you absolutely control what it means.

There will be days where life hits hard enough that “FOR” feels ridiculous. 

Say it anyway!!!

Not because it’s easy. Because it’s useful. Because somewhere down the line…
 you’re going to look back at something you once hated...and realize it built something you needed.

Giddyup!!!

Email David@Otalks.com or OWD@Otalks.com for comments, questions, or ideas for content on an upcoming O'talkin' with Dave podcast.  Otalks.com

Check out OtalksOfficial on Instagram and TikTok

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to O'Talkin' with Dave. Coming to you from his palatial fortress in Sin City, where what happens in Vegas is talked about everywhere. Put your hands together for the pastor of positivity whose glass is always at least half full. Here's Dave.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Hey, how are we doing out there? I hope you're great. I am behind. It's been so crazy. I've been productive, but I probably have some opportunities for improvement. So bear with me. We're about to hit it hard. I had over 330 downloads the other day. That set a record. So thank you so much. 59 countries over 450 cities. Boom. Overwhelmed with joy. Appreciate it so much. But a lot of times you people that get things in their life that happen, they feel like something's happening to them. Oh, like all this is happening to me. I'm busier. I got all this stuff going on. When in reality it's happening for them. Thus the title. Pretty catchy, huh? Numbers instead of words. Anyway, I said that statement during a recent podcast about victim or beneficiary. A lot of times we think something happens to us, but really it's happening for us. A lot of good feedback on that. So I just wanted to dig into that statement. So let's just get right to it. When you think about it, most people walk through life like it's happening to them. All these things happen to you. You got this good, bad, indifferent, whatever. But then a smaller group will walk through life knowing that it's happening for them. I believe, I believe all that is true. I don't believe in chaos. You know, you got we we deal with the same events, we deal with the same world, we deal with the same chaos. Okay, all right. I believe, me, I believe there's an order to it. I don't know who's stacking it up. I'm not keeping score. That's okay. Just let it be. However, it's a different interpretation, and I think a different interpretation will lead to a different outcome. It's not some soft motivational fluff I'm doing here, although I am prone to that. What I'm talking about is practicing an advantage, much like beneficiary or victim, when you shift from why is this happening to me, to what could this be doing for me? You move from powerless to dangerous in a good way. In a good way. No, we don't plan for these. You sure don't want it, but later you look back and realize, my goodness, that thing I fought for the hardest might have been the thing that I didn't need. Might have been the thing that I didn't want. Might have been just out of the blue. And that thing that I that happened to me that thought was going to be the end. Oh, what a setback. Oh, how will I recover? That was a gift. It was done for you, not to you. And that's important. And it takes a while. Some people are just, I think I have that a little more, probably because I'm older now and more has happened to me. And I realize, no, that's for me. So I want to go through some scenarios like that. And it's some of the material we've talked about before, most of it we've talked about before. But I want to dig in on how we can talk about four, not two. Okay, let's just think of some scenarios. You lose a job. How many people have lost a job? Okay. It forces you into something different. Maybe something better. Who lost a job and then they got the next one? It was so much better. Maybe it's something you really cared about. I was stuck in a job that was fantastic. Then it became something that was phoning it in too corporate, all this other stuff. And then another job came along, and what being displaced or moving on, totally different. When you find something and you think if that hadn't happened, this wouldn't have happened. It's four, not two. Or maybe the end of a relationship. How many people, you included, but also people a breakup, the end of a relationship. And oh my goodness. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? I was married 37 years. My goodness. However, that happened to me, no. It allows me to find that person or those people or that friend or whatever is the case that's the perfect fit. It fits in, it doesn't fight in. Sorry about that. But it's four, not two, and it wouldn't have happened otherwise. How about at work? You get passed over for a promotion, a promotion, or maybe a transfer. You really want it. However, that may have saved you from a role that would have drained you, that would have worn you out, that would have made you become a different person. I in the industry I was in for a long time, I noticed certain companies, certain vendors of mine, these guys were great. They were fantastic. I worked with them. When you work in that industry for so long, people climb or whatever. And I would notice when people got to a certain level, they changed. But they wanted that promotion. They wanted that raise. They wanted that 401k, they wanted the G.I. Joe with the kung fu grip. That role they wanted so bad, it's changed them. However, the opposite is true. The person who didn't get promoted stayed in a job longer that prepared them for a different path. So it didn't happen to them, it happened for them. I know we've all had in business, we've all had deals fall apart. I know a deal I got that almost killed me and wasn't worth it. I know other deals that fell apart, and it's like, oh, you hear about the person who got that deal. What a nightmare. But also, it losing a deal, it can keep you from tying yourself to the wrong partner or the wrong timing or the wrong association. So sometimes losing a deal, that happens for you. What about public failure? I've done that. I think we may. If you do, if you haven't, you know somebody that has. That builds humility. It does. And also makes you tougher. Some people just quit. If it happened to you, uh, I wasn't cut out for this. I'm going to run the other way. But if you see it as, what can I learn from this? What can I do different next time? The fact that you're thinking there will be a next time, that's a good sign. It happens for you. Health scares. I am no spring chicken. I'm still going to outlive you all. However, you have a health scare, maybe to you, a family member, somebody you know, it forces you to change your habits. It may force you to change the way you communicate with someone for their own good. That can be life-changing in more ways than one. It can be life-saving, but also it's a gift. It's happening for you. How about an unexpected move? Open stores, new relationships, opportunities that you never would have found. Now I moved, I'm not talking about just moving to another house. Me and Steph moved, goodness, what was it? Six times in the first three years, but we moved within 10 miles of each other. And then we made the big move to Chattanooga. Then we made the move to California. Then we made the move to Nashville. Then we went back to San Diego. Then we went to Las Vegas. Every move came with fantastic opportunities. Some of the things that happened, yeah, that's not what we wanted. That's not how we planned. There were mountains we had to climb that we didn't foresee and we sure didn't want. But oh how that prepared us. And now looking back, pshh, wasn't really that bad at the time. Whoa, what's going on? It made us tougher, made us more resilient. We've met more people. No people all the way across all across the country. What about if you get criticized or rejected? Hey, that helps. Hecklers. I speak a lot. And I get yes, I get hecklers. And sometimes I have to play nice, and other times I can verbally annihilate them. However, see, that's the wrong attitude. That's not what you need. It sharpens your skills. It helps you filter out people who don't matter. I've had, I think we've all done this from time to time, with a spouse or a sibling or a coworker or somebody, we just don't hear it anymore. We filter it out. We take the good parts, but we move on instead of, oh, why me? Why is this happening to me? No, it's helping you. What about financial setbacks? We have those. You learn. How many times have you gotten a tough financial place and said, never again? All right, that's good. You learn discipline, you learn awareness. Yeah. You control that you wouldn't have had before. Now I say that with full disclosure, I have a serious Amazon problem. Not only ordering, but just the sheer volume and the quantities. I don't know what that's about. I was raised better. However, I do it. I feel better talking to you about it. However, I got some cool stuff. Someday I'll just do a tour of all the cool stuff I bought. And then I'll probably be, then I'll have to sign off from the podcast because you'll think, how can we be listening to this guy? He's a nut. But financial sitback, set sitback, setbacks, they teach us, okay, let's focus a little more. What how can we keep this from happening again? Or how can we do the opposite? That's great for us, but also sometimes that setback and all of these things I'm saying, it makes us tougher. However, it educates us, it educates us to help somebody else who's still thinking that two mindset instead of the four mindset. And then I'll say this because it bothers this this happens more than others, but when uh just when plans blow up. Now I'm a planner, I don't like surprises. Sometimes afterwards, it's okay, that was okay. Yeah. I don't like surprises because I set a plan. If somebody moves something from four in the afternoon to eight at night, four in the afternoon, I'm thinking, well, that's great, I got four more hours to do that. But I had something planned for that night. Now that's all turns it all over. So plans blowing up may redirect you somewhere where you didn't need to be somewhere else anyway. I know recently we had some plans scrapped, and I'm everything is not a I had a friend who was supposed to be on one of the planes that crashed into the Pentagon. Yeah, you we've heard stories like that. Sometimes redirection happens for you because either you don't need to be there or you need to be where it redirected you. Now, some of the best flights I've had were because the other flight was canceled. Some of the some people, some experiences. So it happened for me. None of these things I'm talking about feel good when they happen. I can't think of one. You got a lot of rejection and change and fear, all of those things. But that's the point. Growth or good things or progress rarely show up all gift wrapped for you to open. It happens and then you reflect in circumstances or consequences, not coincidences. I don't believe in those, but the circumstances and the consequences of these things that you feel are happening to you in time. Oh, I get it. Oh, my English teacher in high school. Oh, it was rough. It was tough, man. However, college English was a breeze. It's tough an Alabama guy talking about being good at English. It's an oxymoron. But I think of the coaches that were hardest on me, they were giving me a gift. They weren't doing it to me, they were doing it for me. So why do we miss that? When we're in the heat of the moment, why do we miss that four and focused on the two? And there's good reasons. That's why I'm not beating anybody up here because I do it myself, but I think a lot of times it's an emotional fog. When you're hit, man, you can't see it. You can't see it. The pain of whatever's happening, it's blocking perspective right now. It's got to marinate a little bit. And then you see it. And without that pain, you probably wouldn't remember it as well. Have you ever seen somebody that's been told yes their whole life and then they get told no? They fall apart. I've seen it plenty. I've seen it in two particular situations that I'm not gonna say. I don't think they listen to this podcast, but let's be professional here, okay? All right, good job, Dave. So that emotional fog. Then I think there's another one. And some people are gonna go, oh, that one's you, Dave. A control addiction. Anything that wasn't our dea, our idea, or our timing, why is this happening to me? No, okay. I'm a little guilty of that. However, I'm also willing to admit, okay, yeah, I'm that way, and what happens? I don't like it. It sucks. Until I see why it happened. Yep. But that control, it's us, it's built, it's how we're wired. Sometimes that's why we don't see the four, we see the two. And then another reason some of us are so day-to-day or mourning demorning, or we got such short-term thinking. And so thinking about the big picture, and I know that's cliche, but we judge moments and not patterns or a trajectory. If we looked at it that way, it's okay, how's this gonna work? And two, I've seen so many times when something didn't go as planned, it brought ideas that weren't ours that made the product better. Wasn't a delay, it was an enhancement. It was knocking off some of those rough edges. And a lot of times it's just your ego, man. This shouldn't be happening to me. This should not be happening to me. I've paid my dues. I'm above this, I'm a grown-ass man. That just feels better. I'm gonna have a pity potter. I'm gonna st I'm gonna stomp my foot and say bad words. That feels better. Instead of, okay, all right. I say, okay. What's what is this? What why is this happening? In that there's gotta be a reason. And what can I learn from this? What can I learn from this? And if you think you know it all, you don't. And you're not fooling me, you're not fooling anybody. But sometimes we feel like after all these years, I should not be challenged. Ego. And then the last one I'll share, there's so many, is I think it's just conditioning with patterns over the years. I think some people just are an attitude. If things just always went bad, you expect them to go bad. Things are just if you've been treated unfairly, you just expect to be treated unfairly. If you're constantly talking about how hard you've had it, if things quit being hard, that's not the pattern. I've been conditioned to everything. I can't catch a break. I think that's some of the reasons we miss the four rather than the two. But then on the other side of that, are there any personality traits or patterns that people who see the two, oh yeah, okay, maybe not that we're not immediately, but they get to the two quicker. They live in it. Why? Let's be honest. Some people are just wired to default to the negative in victim mode. I victims, victims are hard for me to deal with long term because they don't see that they're the beneficiary. But the characteristics of these two people are high blame. It's always somebody else's fault. They don't own anything. They're complainers, chronic complainers. They need validation constantly. So if anything is invalidating, okay, that's one step back. I'm gonna have to get two more steps, and then you start doing math and counting steps, and you lose your place, you twist your ankle, and now you're getting hit by a car or something. I don't. But that's it's always happening to them, and they're addicted to validation. And then there's the there are those, and this grates on me, who live in the past. They live in it instead of use it. They live their pain. That's I said it earlier a couple of weeks ago. They like to dance around in the battlefield. Look, you won. You made it through it. Why do you keep going back to the battlefield? They do that. But instead of using that four, they're focused on the two, even after they have benefited from it. Anybody like that? I do. And then a lot of them are there's such a thing as a resilient person or a tough person, but there's also those usually have this, but if you're a low resilient thinker, that's you gotta that person's got a lot of quit in them. Yeah. And why do they quit? Because they've they're taught that it's probably something bad's probably gonna happen. Or it's too good. Something bad's gonna happen. And that those kind of people, I can't be around. If they want to change them and change it when they're around me, okay. Otherwise, it's just not gonna work out because I want to be a four person, not a two-person. But see, on the other side, let's talk about that. What do these four people have? A lot of it's just the opposite of the two people, but things that think this happened for me instead of to me, they'll take that ownership. Okay, I own it, I screwed up, I screwed up. Or there's probably something I did that might have done this. And this is sincere ownership. It's not just trying to get through it. No, it's sincere. And these people look to leverage a bad situation. Okay, this happened, but what are we going to do? This whole lemons and lemonade concept, yeah. Four people, okay, what can we salvage out of this? And they find out wow, the salvage is gold. They can reframe it quickly. They'll take all this bad that's happened. Okay, now going forward, let's look at it based on this information. I'm not talking about business now or just business. I'm talking about a relationship. I'm talking about a conversation. Something you said that was stupid. Now you've got to you've got to overcome it with a dear friend or someone that they don't know the backstory. So there's something, so you reframe it quickly and focus on what's next. Not what just happened. Okay, here we are. Where do we go from here? That's what four people do. Studies in in psychology, they talk about people who can reframe adversity quicker, much higher resilience, they perform better, and their stress is lower because they move on. They take it, throw it over their shoulder, and move on based on what they learned. Roughly 80% people of people worry about things that never happened. We talk about that a lot, but still, they suffer like it did. Think about that. They are worried about something that it never happened, but they worried about it so much they treat it like it did. Those are two people. Actually, it's a lot more than two, but you know what I'm saying. The brain, we've talked about this a lot lately. It's weird that a lot of these stats are repeating themselves, but we have a negative bias. Our brain wants to be negative. It naturally scans for threats, not opportunities. That's why we see so much. So if you're wired toward two, that's why. However, that doesn't mean you're stuck there. You don't have to stay a two. That's not like I'm rating people. It's like on the beach I'm a four, but at Walmart I'm a seven. Sorry. So the thing is here's another analogy. Let's just talk about the gym since I'm a fitness freak. You don't walk into a gym and say, wow, man, this lifting weights is fantastic. It's a breeze. This stuff isn't even heavy. There's no resistance at all. No. You go to the gym if you are a serious health person and want to improve your body and build muscle mass and flexibility. You're going there for resistance. You don't go there to where, ah, this is no problem at all. No problem, no progress. Life works the same way. The weight that you're under right now might it might not be crushing you. It might be building you. It's not to you, it's for you. You gotta look for it. So how do life experiences shape you into a two rather than a four? Remember, we want to be four. F F O R. Not F-O-U-R. However. A lot of you are gonna see the notes and say, he, why does he keep putting these numbers in there? I thought Dave said there would be no math. We're not adding and subtracting, we're just analyzing. So how does life experience shape a two instead of a four? It could be repeated disappointments. That trains you to expect failure. Maybe toxic environments. Maybe at work, you work in a toxic environment and you have to be there. Or maybe you've got a friend that's become toxic, or maybe you've got a wife who's gone batshit crazy. It happens. That's a toxic environment, and it almost normalizes that behavior. And so that's part of it. Repeated disappointment, poor behavior environment. All right, that's shaping me to be a two. I'm feeling a lot of two here. Or maybe a lot of losses early on teach you to be defensive rather than offensive in the right way. And then another thing is success without struggle. A minute ago, when I talked about that person that's never been told no, and then they are, they don't know how to act when it is, and so they're fragile. That creates a two. And here's another one that I think that drives good people into a two mentality rather than a four mentality, is they haven't processed the past events yet. They're still walking around the battlefield. It's somehow weirdly comfortable. Like those people who get up every day and look at the obituary ads and look for people they know. Oh, oh, it be so. A lot of other countries are listening to this. I don't know if you guys do it over there, but I know the South, you've got some some obituary, like people got their doctorate and obituation or whatever it's called. But they haven't pro they haven't processed past events yet. They're still feeling it. They want to feel it. It's I don't know if it's because they don't know how to process it or they don't want to process it, or they just don't have that skill set, but whatever it is, that shapes you into a two. I mean, if you've been hit enough, it's bel it's easy to believe you're gonna get hit again, you're gonna keep getting hit. What proof is it to the contrary if you're a two-person? And see that the sad thing is, and we're gonna switch it. Don't worry if I am. The sad thing is when you're a two-person, you stay stuck. You stay stuck longer. To quote uh an author, you give your power away. If you're a two, man, you're giving all your power away to either to other twos or opportunity cost of not hanging on to a four, because they're all for ya. And then what happens is you repeat the same mistakes over and over. Okay? I every time I go in that door, I get punched and it hurts. I think I might pick another door, I might pick another entryway, because if you keep going through that, you're gonna get punched. The duck is gonna quack, and you're gonna be shocked. And it just drains everybody around you. It's tough being around these people. I have to live through their whole life story and everything that ever went wrong with them. All right, let's talk about what went right. You won, by the way. And the thing is, that just they just miss so many opportunities that are hidden inside the adversity and the challenge. All right. Let's talk about the fours. Four. Let's talk about it. It's exciting because fours, they recover faster. They pull value from just about any tough situation. There's value in there, and fours look for it. It's gotta be. With all this crap, there's gotta be a pony in here somewhere, and they grow stronger and positive rather than bitter and weak. They actually become the problem solvers. They're giving the pep talk, they're helping people determine okay, what's the good from here? And how do we use it? How do we reframe? And they just attract better outcomes. Good things happen to good people eventually. There's a four in every two most of the time. But that's that mindset. So, how do we do it, Dave? Oh, you're so eloquent and wise. Thank you for your pontifications. How do we do it? There's some ways. I did it. I've always been before, but man, I have taken my licks early on. I wasn't always the Adonis before you today. So, how do we become a four and stay there? It's not just getting there, staying that way. The number one, pause before reacting. Pause and respond. Don't label it immediately. Something happens, oh, this horrible thing. Remember the Chinese farmer? Maybe. Let's give it some room. Let's let it breathe. I remember Steph and I went to a winery one time and she's she wanted to be a wine snob. Boone's Farm is not one of the most sought-after vintages. And those pretentious people, they got to me because they were doing the swirling and they were all these different things. And of course, I was making some backward comments, and it was horrible. So I got labeled immediately. Hey, seed, who is this guy? And then by the end, all the husbands were on my side. I made them all laugh and we had a good time. They didn't want to be there either. But I paused and read the room. I let it, like they say with the wine, and I this is the only thing I learned really, other than I don't want to go back, is let it breathe. Pour it in a decanter and let it breathe, and it will taste differently. Same way with a two. Let's find the four. Let's let it before I judge this, before I stick a label on it. Alright, what's really going on here? You can say, you can ask why, of course. The answer may be, yeah, because you're getting too big for your britches, buddy. I don't know. Different ones. I could go, I could probably list 52s that I found the four in, and that might be a worthy endeavor. I may do that. Personally, I'll let I'll put you behind the curtain there for a second. I'll probably scare the crap out of you. But anyway, they pause. Fours pause before before they react. Also, you want to be a four? Ask better questions. What could this be doing for me? That's a powerful question. And sometimes you need uh a good counsel of a good friend, somebody you trust, somebody that will tell you your baby's ugly, your flies unzipped, and you got a booger in your nose. That's the kind of people that can help you with the reality of why can't you see? This is an opportunity instead of collision. So pause, ask better questions, look for one benefit. Not ten. I do top ten lists. You don't have to find ten benefits in a two to turn it into a four. Just one. Just one. I got fired. Hey, you got a couple of days off then, don't you? I'm just kidding on that. It's true. Just one. You could probably find more. Now I can find that job I want. Wow, I can work with people who appreciate me. Hey, I might even get more money. I got a couple of days off. Yeah. Okay, one benefit. Update and use your past properly. Quit looking in that rear view mirror, but remember what you went past. Update your mind as far as here's what I've been through as an update, a refresh. Don't relive it. But what did you get out of it? Use your past properly. You survived worse. The thing is, you survived this. Everything that life has thrown at you, you are still here. That's evidence. That's a gets you to a four. Now you got more skills. You've been slapped around. Now you know how to respond or how to defend. And I think one of the things here that is can't be overstated is surround yourself with fours. Be around people that don't give up. Don't be around victims. Don't be with people who get in a group and take a road trip, a field trip, a team building exercise in the battlefield. Perspective is contagious. Twos and fours. Surround yourself with positive people who care about you, people who will support you, people who have the experience that they can share with you. That happened to me once, and I felt the same way you did. But here's what happened after. Ah, that's good counsel. You know, the truth, most people don't want to hear, is you don't get to control what happens. Oh, Dave. Yeah, I don't like it either. It's better for us. If I'm in control, we're all in trouble. As I say, if I'm the smartest person in the room, I'm in the wrong freaking room. You don't get to control what happens, but you can absolutely control what it means to you. And the meaning drives everything. Meaning drives everything. And you know, people say, Dave, you're just teaching us to play mind games. Yeah. Your mind's the one crippling you. Your mind makes you regret and resent and fear things that you don't need to. The mind is the powerhouse behind worry. So let's control our mind. You can go back and hear these O talks on how your mental, how your mind matters. So there are always going to be days where life just hits you. You just hit you hard enough that a four feels ridiculous. What are you kidding me? Have you, Lord, have you not been watching? Are you did you take a personal day? Oh, I'm getting slapped around like crazy down here. However, there's something in there. It's hard to, it's hard enough that the four is just not in the list here, but say it anyway. There's a four in here. Yeah, there's some two. However, I'm gonna pull the four out of this. Not because it's easy, but because it's useful and it's real. Because somewhere down the line, you're gonna look back at something you once hated and realize it built something that you needed. So many examples of that. And hate's a strong word, but I used it just because that's the hardest thing to turn into a four. It's there, and if you think you can come up with it. Oh, yeah, that's like the time gold. So the next time life throws something your way, don't rush to call it a two. Give it a minute. It just might be a four. Chances are there's a four in there somewhere. All right. I hope this has been helpful. Thanks so much for hanging out. I appreciate it so much, and this support is overwhelming. I could get emotional real easy talking about it, but somehow, somewhere, there are a lot of people turning the the two Dave into a four Dave, and it is making me feel so good. So thank you. Hit me up, david at otalks.com or davidotalks.com. Just go to the website. We got all sorts of stuff there. I'm busy, I'm going around. I promise to increase the frequency of these. I owe you several gratitude posts. I am so grateful. I'm so thankful. My life is so full of good. I can't hardly stand it. I think that's why I'm losing my hair. The goodness is just pushing all the follicles out. But anyway, thanks for hanging out. Thanks for hanging on. But most of all, thanks for O talking with Dave. Giddy up.