D-I-V-O-R-C-E: Then END Is Really The BEGINNING

Have you ever had a major life event happen and it looked like the end of something?  Yeah, me too...

Over the past year, have received a ton of emails, text messages, and private conversations about one subject more than any other.

"Dave...when are you going to talk about your divorce?"

Some people have simply been curious. Others have quietly shared that they're going through one themselves.

Join Dave for some candid conversation including:

• A Little Perspective
• DIVORCE - Then and Now
• The Five Toughest Parts
• Gray Divorce
• Ten Gifts I Never Expected
• Five Ways Divorce Can Really Be a Beginning
• Five Ways to Respond to Major Life Changes
• If Someone You Love Is Going Through a Divorce

I no longer wish for the life I thought I wanted. I'm grateful for the life I'm living.

My appreciation for ordinary days is greater.

I've learned that new beginnings don't ask for permission...They simply invite us to step forward.

So if you're walking through divorce today...Or walking beside someone who is...Don't lose hope.

The end of a marriage does not have to become the end of joy.

Be good to yourself.

Encourage someone.

And remember...The best chapters of your life may be the ones you never planned to write.

Giddyup!!!

Email David@Otalks.com or OWD@Otalks.com for comments, questions, or ideas for content on an upcoming O'talkin' with Dave podcast.  Otalks.com

Check out OtalksOfficial on Instagram and TikTok

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to O'Talkin' with Dave. Coming to you from his palatial fortress in Sin City, where what happens in Vegas is talked about everywhere. Put your hands together for the pastor of positivity whose glass is always at least half full. Here's Dave.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

I am top shelf myself and ready to go. Ready to go. So over the past few months, I've been getting a ton of requests. Questions, requests, however you want to phrase it. But people just subtle messages. Wait a minute. Did you get a divorce? You keep saying this and you keep saying that. It makes me think you may have. Or on social media, things a little different. People are observant. And I don't really, I don't really talk about it. I did. I'm divorced. I'm I am not married, which is weird. And I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to make it all about me. I'm getting so many requests, though, to the point to where people are saying, yeah, we want to hear what you got to say. We're going through the same thing. I got friends that are going through this. Oh, my sister's having this. Or I've got people at work that are going through all these challenges, and I don't know how to deal with it. Look, I was married, I was with the same woman for 44 years, childhood sweethearts. And so it's new to me. I'm in my 60s now. It's all new. And now that I think about it, maybe I should talk about it. And so I'm gonna. But I want to talk about it from and don't think I'm flippant about it. It's a very serious thing for anybody. However, it's not the end. It is, it's really a new beginning. And so I want to talk through that. And I expect a lot of feedback. I've I've talked with some clo people that are close to me on how should I address this because I it's not a you're gonna see it's not a me versus her, it's not a adversarial at all. But I do want people to be curious, and it's gonna allow me to talk about it, and I'm excited about that. So here we go. A lot of people have shared responses to some things I've said around my the way I talk about my family, the way I talk about different things, and navigating difficult times, that's a lot of what I talk about, not because any it affects your productivity. And productivity, if you've been listening to this any time, it's not just business, it's at home, work, or play. And whether you're dealing with kids or parents or friends or co-workers, divorce is a tough time to navigate for everybody. It's almost like somebody's got cancer. If not to be morbid, but yeah, it's when people get terribly sick, they treat you different. And I maybe that's part of why I've been a little bit quiet on it. I still have people a year later that are just finding out, and they have to deal with the news, and it's oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. Look, I'm in a good place. I'm a year down the road. So I'm throughout this O talk, I just want to I want to express some personal stuff, but also how to deal with it if it's happening to you, if it's happening to somebody you love. So let's talk about it. Let's talk. But I also want to talk about what this O talk is not. It's not what I'm gonna, I'm not gonna do he said, she said, or different things like that. Who did what? This is no dirty laundry. Besides, after 37 years of marriage, there was enough, there's not enough laundry detergent in America to clean up all of that anyway. So what we want to do is talk about divorce has more than one heart. It does. Every divorce does. More than one story, more than one perspective. And I'm not gonna talk about it in that way. Some things just have to be private and they are. So I honor that. I honor that. What I will do is share what I've learned personally, and I think this gives it credibility. It's almost like the you go to counseling, couples counseling, or marriage counseling, and you find out the counselor's never been married. That doesn't give a lot of credibility. People would probably say that about me. Wait, you've been married your whole life. How are you talking about divorce? Now I can. Some of the things I go through for you people. I got divorced, so I could talk about divorce. Yeah, that's not true. But I want you to know what I've learned, what surprised me, what may have helped me heal, all of that. And while one year later, I can honestly say something I would never say about it. It was not my choice, not even close. But today, it's become the gift that I never would have given myself. Not because divorce is a gift, because it isn't. It's painful, it's exhausting, it's confusing, very confusing. But sometimes life, it's just waiting on the other side of something. It's some things have to happen before we can go any further. And a lot of times we can talk about SWD stress, worry, and distraction. Divorce has a way of inviting all three just to move in. Come on, unpack, stay a while. Yeah. Then they act, okay, this is my place now. You're going through divorce. You have to be stressed, worried, and distracted. That stress can wear you down. Worry will keep you awake and make you think of things you never would otherwise. Distraction can make it hard to remember who you really are. Especially for me. I was always, uh we were a couple. One came with the other. That's it. When you said one's name, you said the other's name. Yeah. However, today is different. Today is different. And after going through all of this, I know some will have questions. I hope I answer a lot of them. Email me. Let me know. You know I am. I respond. I respond. Sometimes I don't get the same day, but I'm within 24 hours. I will respond. Because if something I have learned makes it a little easier, that's fantastic. If something I say can give you counsel to a friend going through something similar, that's fantastic. Because every difficult mile I have walked has been worth walking. And I'll say right now, full disclosure, my divorce was better than just about anybody's I've ever heard. From the time the decision was made, it was done within months to six weeks. And the fallout has been great because of the time of my life. So I'm not, if I sound like I'm downplaying it, I'm not. If I'm sound like I went through some trail of tears or whatever, ah. But thing is, let's just talk about it. Let's talk about divorce in general. Divorce is one of those words that it can silence a conversation or empty a room. It's almost like in the westerns when they the saloon is just hopping and going crazy, and all of a sudden the guy comes through and silence. Yeah. It's an interesting thing. People suddenly become fascinated with something else. You walk in the room and all of a sudden they're paying attention to the bug on the wall or whatever, because oh, that's he's going through divorce. Or don't say the wrong thing. They walk on eggshells.

unknown 8:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:42

Or they can say something helpful like, everything happens for a reason.

unknown 8:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:48

Are you okay? The one I got more than anything was, I'm sorry. I'll talk in a minute. Sometimes it's congratulations. But almost every family has been touched by divorce in some way. I look through all my cousins and all that. It's hit just about every every family in some way. But it hadn't hit, it hasn't hit mine. By that I mean my two, I've got two sisters. No, we've all been married extensively. My two sisters are still, they've been married for, goodness, four and five generations. So it hasn't hit us personally, but it's all around us. And most of my friends have gone through divorce. And they would come to me, what's the secret? I can't tell you now to a long marriage. I can tell you how to live a long time and be married to a person for over three decades. It obviously wasn't perfect, and it never is. But when people try to help and they say silly things, it's almost like a death, or other times. A lot of times people don't know what to say. Sometimes they will they'll lash out. Yeah, I knew that was, yeah, she's this or she's that. No, no, she's the same person. She's the same person. Now I don't take any of it personally. A lot of times people just they're like children. They just say the first thing that comes out. And that's it's okay. It's all right. We're all living our lives. But divorce is not rare by any means. It used to be 60% of all marriages ended divorces. Actually, it's a lot less than that. It's under 50%. And if you take out those people that are marrying for the second or third time, it's under 40%. I've got a good buddy. I haven't talked to him in years. I hope he's still alive. He's been married five times. And number one, three, and five are the same woman. Yeah, he's, of course, most of it, he took the blame for most of the divorces. But I guess eventually he gave he gave away half of all of his stuff four times and gave it to one woman twice, and then I guess he finally just thought, I miss her, but I miss my stuff. So he got married again. Something's seriously wrong with that guy. So if you take those out of it, yeah, it's less than 40% divorce rate, which is not as bad. Also, figure in, people are getting married later in life. They're having children later in life, if at all. I saw the number one rising demographic, and they actually posed it as a positive thing about men now. 30 and up, they don't want to get married and they don't want to have kids. That's that has an effect. For the longest, I had tons of single friends, male and female. And it was weird because I was married and I my wife, they were her friends too. But it's weird for a married guy to hang out with single people. I'm not going to comment a lot on that, other than I got to hear the ins and outs and pros and cons and life cycle of a divorced situation. But now I'm living it. But divorce is not rare. It's just part of the human experience. And so also it's not new. It's been around for thousands of years. Different cultures have approached it differently. Different religions view it differently. I'm not going to go down the list. Some allow it under limited circumstances. Others say, nope, you're going to hell. I love all the different rules around it until it's somebody maybe that's favored in the church. And this absolutely they had it differently, or they want to make exceptions. Yeah, don't get me started into theological hypocrisy. That's another O talk. But then others recognize that, hey, it's a broken relationship that can't be restored. Live and let live. Everybody's got a story. Everybody's got a story. There's no one size fits all. But nearly every faith values marriage, as do I. But most also recognize the importance of compassion and grace and healing and dignity that everybody deserves. Yeah. But this O talk is not debating theology. I would be all over the board and I'd probably get a little angry. Yeah, this is not Sunday school, so I'm not going to treat it like that. It's about encouragement. I hope when people would find out and ask me how I was doing, of course I'm going to say I'm fine. Oh, I'm great. Because I'm very optimistic and I live day to day, hour to hour, morning to morning. It's always good. My advice to them that's worked very well is just come hang out with me. You'll see. You'll see that I'm okay. I can't convince you. I can say it. Yeah, he's just putting on a brave face. No. I hurt. I cry. I get upset. All of that. I always have, though. So just come hang out. So I want this to be encouraging, and you read into this, hey, I'm in a good spot. Because people need hope. If you're going through something, you need hope. You don't need a lecture. If you're with somebody that's going through something, you don't need to lecture them either. You need to show them hope and let it happen. I look back 40 years ago, people stayed married just what? They either felt they had no other choice, or that's just what you did. I know, stay together for the kids. There were times I think we went to six different marriage counselors over the years. Okay. A lot of times I had a buddy years ago who said he was married 30 years, and he said, the only reason we stay together is because it's we're used to each other. We're used to each other's baggage and garbage. And he said, I don't want to train another one. I'm sure she said the same thing. But 40 years ago, he just stayed married for a few reasons. Financial, financial reasons. They were different back then. Social expectations. It was just expected. That's what you did. In the South, you had a 40 years ago, that's probably a little more than 40 years ago. My parents' generation, you had a man and a woman. They got married. The man worked, the woman stayed home, cleaned house, raised the kids, did all those stuff. And it was very traditional. But a lot of times with the social, what would other people think? Oh, whose fault was it? And immediately, oh, one of them had an affair. Somebody cheated. Also, you didn't get a divorce because it's embarrassing. Today people have a little more freedom. We talk more about unhealthy relationships. Don't get me started on all of the buzzwords or the woke woke impact to it. But 40 years ago or now, nobody has all the answers. It's men and women. It's challenges. One angle I haven't really dug into is you look at the most volatile the highest divorce rate is among lesbian couples. The ones that's strongest are wrong gay couples. Two men. I probably offended a bunch of people just now. I don't think so. So it's divorce is a separation. It's not necessarily a contract, it's a separation. And you head down two different paths. Nobody's got all the answers. All of it involves some sort of heartbreak. On one side or the other, or both. So the reason people divorce, it's remained surprisingly consistently. Then it was financial stress or infidelity, alcohol or substance abuse, domestic conflict, or just poor communication. Today, eh, they still exist, all of those, but people are more emotional disconnection now. You know, there are, and I'm not going to make fun of it because it's true, you've got a lot of social media and different people telling people what to think. Some pipe some people live by the next quote or saying that fits their cause and it ags them on. And if a married person handle hangs around a bunch of divorced people, something about that happily married person is a threat. Oh, it's just yeah. All right, yeah. Sometimes you just grow apart. I gotta say, that's probably a lot of what was my situation. Been together for so long. Kids are grown. We've got to sometimes, and I'm a lot to take. I am a lot to take. But you just grow apart. Mental health, you have struggles with that. One side is this way, the other side. Over time, uh, it can just get there. Maybe different goals for the last part of your life. Happens early. I've got good friends that were married in their 20s and been married since, and now they're in their 40s. Everybody's got their journey. I don't think you can underestimate the influence of technology or social media, though. I know at one point I had the numbers and I'm gonna mess with it, but they talked about divorce and counseling. Almost 80% of divorces, somewhere in the court documents, social media came up. That's how they found out. That's how jealousy was spurred. That's how comparisons. I'm stuck in this marriage, and I see my friend out there just living life. I want that. Yeah. The details change. The details change, but the human heart really hasn't. We all want to be loved. We all want to be respected. We all want to be safe, and we want acceptance to some degree. Yeah. So when I look back, I'll talk about this and I did some research around it. I only know mine. I've been around people that had been divorced before, but not really as they were going through it. Yeah. But divorce is hard. Not because signing the papers is difficult or untangling. Oh, I need to untangle my tongue. I think I'll have a sip of Diet Mountain Dew. They're not a sponsor, but they could be. Hold one second, please. Yeah, so you're untangling a life so you can go forward. That takes time. And for most people, the hardest parts are really around five things. Letting go of the future that you imagined. I get that. It was the fairy tale for me. Married happily ever after. You do this. A lot of the things that I have done for the last 30 years was preparing for the next 20 for me and my wife. Okay. Ooh. I gotta let go of that. Because it was imagined, it's gone. So it took me a minute. And also learning who Dave is again. It was these it was tough just because it's hard to do, because it was always me and my wife. Everything was around me or my wife, for me and my wife and kids, or traveling, or everything I did was about, okay, not that I had to check on with her for everything, but I needed to inform her. And every night at 6 o'clock I called her, and every time I landed, just let her know. All of that, that's not there anymore. And I can talk to the good sides of that too. However, it's just me now. And that's difficult to get your head around. Helping children, my kids are 36 and 33, and they are fantastic. I text or talk to them almost every day. But that's, I can imagine young children, how tough that would be. And just the arrangements and the jousting, and if it's not amicable, oh, I can't even imagine. But that's some of the toughest parts. Loneliness. Some people really struggle with loneliness. And you can be lonely in a room full of people. I was speaking to a group of 1,600 people one time, and I was actually, I was so homesick I felt all alone there. I did, although I was in a crowd. But a lot of people face loneliness. That hasn't really been a factor for me. But I can imagine how bad it is. You can be lonely. I was lonely when I was married a lot of times, and I know so was my ex. But also, some people, you just will you ever love again or will you ever laugh again? Or is this your new normal? This way. That's tough. I love and I laugh. So I'm not saying these don't apply to me. I'm just saying these are the toughest parts. And if this is where you are, I oh my encouragement is hold on for the rest of this Otalk. Just hold on. Please hear me. Those feelings are valid and real. And honestly, they need to be felt. It's almost like grieving a passing of a loved one. You have to grieve. That's part of getting through it. So all these things that I just said are the toughest parts. You need to feel them so you can deal with them. But hear this: they are not permanent. They are not permanent. What I went through is called a gray divorce. And it's on the rise. I'm finally trendy. Yeah, that's that's for people who divorce later in life. I've heard some it's after 50, some it's after 60. Hey, I got them both. But it's called gray divorce. And personally, I think I should have named it something more exciting. Maybe experienced beginners or second half all-stars or the bald and the beautiful. I don't know. I don't know. But when you've spent decades building one life, and then one day you realize, hey, that's over. But the thing is, you're not starting over. You're starting from experience. There's a big difference. So many times, oh, you gotta start over. You gotta no, I'm not starting over. I'm I've got all of this knowledge, all of this experience. I may not know what to do, but I know what not to do. And then the main thing is I want to talk about 10 things that are gifts. And again, I'm not pro-divorce, but these are gifts that I never expected. It's been about a year, so I look over the past year, and this may get a little personal. I'm gonna make it personal. It's what I've been asked to do. First thing, the peace is priceless. I didn't, me and my ex didn't argue a lot. We we had disagreements, but a lot of times it'd just be either silence or we knew it or we weren't happy about something, but all in all, it wasn't that bad. However, the peace, the responsibility and the weight and the obligation and all of that, not having that gave me a peace that I never understood before. Never understood before. And this is where the whole my series on freedom, control, and resolve came in. It was so clear. The peace and the clarity. Once you, and I use the mantra, and you can tell if you go back and listen to the O talks, they were still have said, I never noticed a difference. Thank you. But it's the old the backpack metaphor or the carrying the burden. I learned that okay, I carried the burden along enough. Now it's about setting it down. And there for three months, there would be different things that I had done for 44 years that I didn't have to do anymore. And it was, oh, that gives me a little more freedom, a little more control, a little more resolve, but overall gave me peace. Never expected that. My laughter never left. My my sense of humor got a little darker at times, but I learned to laugh. Some people's that laughter, you think it will never return. Oh, it will. It will. I even saw a stand-up comedian recently talked about his wife had stage four cancer. And even in that, they found ways to laugh. Also, my I've noticed my friends. That friendship, it in some ways, it was harder on them than me because now they innately feel the need to choose sides. We're on Team Dave, or we're on No, no. No. You don't have to do that. In making my friends feel comfortable, they're the ones I would say, come hang out. Some would come stay in Vegas. Other times I go back to my old neighborhoods or go back to the South, and with some childhood friends, they hang out with me and see. He's fine. He doesn't have a he doesn't have a horn coming out of his head or walk with a limp or a hump on his back. He's not. No. And those friendships have become deeper. Some friends are shocked that I didn't apparently suffer enough, and they've I've had to shake them a little. I have some friends who were married and still doing other things and just put off their marriage, and now they've they've got a divorce. I was a catalyst for more divorce. Yeah, it's not in the brochure. My family has been there from day one. I remember it was three months before I told anybody. And when I did, uh wow. It's tough. Telling my oldest sister was really tough. But inside of five minutes on that conversation when she realized I was telling the truth, ooh, that hug. And the first time I saw her, she's got a magical hug. Anybody in the eastern United States is probably definitely the Southeast knows how Deb's hugs go. But my entire family, the relationships are better. You learn some things that didn't go as smoothly because of maybe the presence of the other person. Now that's not there. More peace, more freedom, more openness. I get to spend more time with my family at Thanksgiving now because I don't have to split the time. Yeah. It's all good. I like the other too. But my family relationships are so strong. And then you just rediscover a lot about yourself. That's another gift. Yeah, I can do this, I can do that. I am I don't have to do some of the negative things that I used to. And I can fill that time with positive things. All right. I've learned I'm better at some things because I've had more reason to investigate that. And then new adventures. That's another gift. I'm not talking about the dating world. I'm not talking about all that I'm not going to. But that's in there. But just doing things that I like to do that I didn't do because she didn't like to do it, so we just didn't do it. Now I can. Whenever I want. And I love it. I got new passions around. I've got more time to create. It's fantastic. And yeah, I've always been grateful. I preach gratitude. You know I preach gratitude. No matter what, there's something to be grateful for. Don't look at what you've lost, look at what you have. That philosophy has kicked in times a hundred in the last year. I'm not going to say it's, I'm not going to say there's more gratitude. I will say it's more genuine or has more of a depth. The things that are important to me that are here are more apparent. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for the time. I'm grateful for a word. I'm grateful for a text. Food tastes better. And a lot of that is the other gift, is you realize your future belongs to you. Now that may scare people. It's up to you. Nobody's coming to save you, buddy. Yeah. I never knew, I never thought it but that way. However, it is up to me. I don't have to consider the other side. Not that it was a burden. I loved it. I loved my role. I loved being married. But now it's up to me. I can take a risk where if I fail, I'm not bringing the family down. It's me. And that, oh, that's exciting. And then I remember it was in, I think it was a line in the blacklist. I may have referenced this before. So when all this happened, it happened at the worst possible time. I was out of town, my father was passing away. And in the midst of this, several things happened. And it was clear that the road we were going down. It included money and pets and a bunch of stuff. And I would come back home to an empty house. I called her. I talked to her every day for 44 years. Boom. Then nothing. Nothing. Haven't talked to her since August of last year, and it's currently almost a year. And everything stops. Everything's quiet. And I remember the from the blacklist, and I watched tons of streaming, but uh a gentleman's wife was killed. And I remember James Spader's character said, you know, it's very pragmatic, not a lot of sympathy, but he told him, he said, yeah. Every day. You wake up, it's the it's when you go to bed, it's the last thing you think about. If you wake up in the middle of the night, it's the first thing you think about. When you get up the next day, it's the first thing you think about. Someday, it will be the second thing you think about. And I, because I was in the in the throes of all that with everything that was going on and taking care of all of that and dealing with it, and my father passing away, and all these things happen at the same time. Yeah, don't have any no pity for me. But I remember the day. It was the second thing I thought about. And then I remember the day to where it's mid morning. And now I think about it every day, of course. You don't stay with someone that long and it not come out. I talk about my ex around everybody, I but I reflect. I don't ref I don't speak ill of her, but I reflect when somebody tells a story. Oh, I remember one time Ian went there and blah, blah, blah, or she would say this, or blah. I reflect because that's part of my life. I I don't talk bad about her, and I usually don't talk about her at all. But it's not out of disrespect. I tell you though, the reason I said it's not the first thing I thought about. I've always been grateful and I have faith and hope, but for some people that's tough. And one of the gifts once you get through a divorce, if you ever get through, is hope returns. Gratitude returns. Even if you don't have that consistently grateful and hopeful attitude. Yeah. Pain doesn't get the final word. Yes. So let's talk about how divorce it's not the end. It doesn't have to be the end. It's a new beginning. It can be the new beginning of things that you've never done before that you didn't even know you wanted to do. Not the 25-year-old version of Dave, no, the wiser version. I'm not starting over. I'm starting from experience. And I can choose peace over pretending. The divorce in the 20s and 30s, you can say one way, you've got a lot more, it's early and you've got a lot more time to get over it. Honestly, it's a lot more complicated. If you have kids, that changes it too. If you've got, it's almost like getting fired early or losing a ball game early in the season. You have time to recover, which is great. For me, I'm choosing peace over pretending. And I think some maturity and some wisdom play into that. But there's just something beautiful about not having to walk on eggshells, or not having to double check or make sure, or you can decide where you want to eat dinner without having to go through the normal stuff. You don't have to say, hear nothing when you ask what's wrong. You don't I got very grateful for the silent treatment there toward the end. It was one. It used to drive me crazy, and it was like, hey, I kind of like this. But the thing is, my relationships now are healthier. Around the board, at home, work, and play. My kids, my friends. It's just it's worth it. It's worth it. It's fantastic. Just because of the closeness and the love that I feel. I dream new dreams now. It's fantastic. It's never too late to write a different chapter here. Let people know how much you love them. And during this, people have just gushed over what I've meant to them that they never would have said. It's given the opportunity. And the gratitude I live with, I'll continue to live with. But also you begin noticing little things that you once overlooked. You know, I love my morning coffee. I love it. That first sip. You only get one first sip of the day. But now the little things. I love being alone. I love being around people. But getting that call from my kids, having a quiet evening or a peaceful night's sleep, those are such treasures. And a lot of that is because the once the responsibility you get past that, and after 44 years, the responsibility, setting that weight down, it is a freedom. I never asked for it, but I do relish it. And here's a sentence I hope you remember. I'm not I don't expect you to write this down, especially if you're driving. A divorce is a legal ending, but it's not a life ending. Sometimes it's the first page of the healthiest chapter you've ever lived. That is true in my case. Yeah. So I want to talk about five ways to respond to any major life change, but it also pertains to divorce. I'm not saying I did these. I'm just saying, alright, after what I've done, this is what I see. Whether it's divorce or retirement, a loss of a loved one, maybe you've had a serious illness or someone you know has gone through some of this, or any unexpected turn. These five things I think can help. And they've helped me. You've got to you've got to accept what happened without letting it define who you are. You're not a divorcee. You're not a widow. You're not a widower. You're not any of those things. No. An event happened, but it's not your identity. I'm Dave. I hope I'm still the same Dave I always was, and I think I am. But don't let that label stick to you. That's not who you are. Secondly, you have to manage your SWDs, your stress, worry, and distraction. You can't let them move in because of this life event. It's easy to do. I've seen divorce destroy very productive people. We'll just leave it at that. I've seen it at work, definitely seen it in other homes, and I've seen it in golf buddies or whoever. It if they let those stresses, worry, and distractions from these life events move in and define them and become part of who they are, it destroys them. It changes their trajectory. So manage your SWDs. Thirdly, that circle. Build your circle. Don't isolate yourself. Reach out. Healing usually happens with a group. It helps. Now, full disclosure, I didn't tell anybody for three months. I didn't. Three months here by myself, working through it. No, I had things. I had a I had my dad's house to sell and estate sell and all these things. I didn't have my three dogs running around. It went from loud out here to silent. And then it was loud in here. That helped me work through it. So when I say build your circle, when I was ready and had worked through a lot of things, I was ready to let the circle in. And it rushed in. People came and we talked and we cried and there was some crisscross applesauce on the kitchen floor, just getting out all those emotions that I had processed to the point where I could. No anger, no resentment, none of that. Because that's how what I had to work through. So I'm not talking out of both sides of my mouth here. Build your circle before. If you don't build it before these major life events, understand who is your circle so you can let them in. Because it's a lot easier. A lot easier. The fourth thing, choose growth instead of bitterness is going to keep you tied to yesterday. Growth will open up today and tomorrow. I have no bitterness, no ill will, no resentment. Just a little inside. I never asked her to come back, and I never asked why. It was that cut and dried. I want her to do well because that's what's best for my kids. No bitterness. Bitterness will eat you alive. Bitterness, revenge, resentment, playing the gotcha game. It will eat you alive. And you can't win that game. Okay? And then the last one, believe. Believe that this is a new beginning and that it's real. It's real. There's so many. You're writing this new chapter. It's fantastic. And you're starting from experience. You're not starting over. You got to believe it because it's true. If somebody you love is going through a divorce, don't interrogate them. I was doing a presentation not too long ago, and there were some people that I knew that were there. And right before I went up, they said, How's asking about my ex-wife? And I said, Oh, well, I've got to go, but we're not together anymore, just so you know. Everything's fine. I'm fine. You'll see. And they were just devastated. And and one of my buddies comes up and said, he overheard that. He said, one of them is his wife, he said, I'm sorry you guys are so upset that Dave's doing so well. Yeah. But see, people need to grieve too. And the thought. I was also always so happy. I still am. But don't interrogate them. It's not about whose fault it is or who's right or who's wrong. Don't assume you know the whole story. Honestly, I don't want to talk about it. I've gotten past so much, I dread, and I've really shrunk the story down to a couple of lines, and it's great. And hey, it was for the best. And definitely don't make them choose sides. No, that's not healthy for anybody. But I think the biggest thing is don't disappear. Don't disappear because you're uncomfortable. Don't. The words will come. You don't need to talk about it. If you've got a history with this person, talk about your history and what you're gonna do. Ask, ask how things are. What's going on? When can we get together? Something like that. Invite them to dinner. Just call to check in. It's so easy with the text. Thinking about you today. Hope you're having a good day. Listen more than you talk. I remember the first time I, one of my best friends in the world, you've heard me talk about Liz when we got together. She knew about it, and we got together. And not that she's a big talker, but we just sat at a bar and I think probably for a couple of hours. And I realized when we left, I talked the whole time. And she just listened. She just listened. She's great friends with me and my ex. So yeah, listen more than you talk. Include them in stuff. Still invite them. Still invite them. And thankfully I didn't have that problem. But yeah, and laugh with them. Laugh at them. Make sure that they know you're still there. And remind them how they're still so valuable as a single rather than a couple. They're still love. They're still welcome. And thank God all of my friends and family showed me that. And sometimes the most caring words aren't, I'm sorry. I got that so much, and bless their hearts, they didn't know any better. Sometimes the best words you can get are congratulations, or I'm glad you're doing so well. Or depending on the situation, I'm proud of you, or you just seem so content or peaceful. Or, hey, I've heard this many times. Just so you know, I'm here. Because sometimes it's really congratulations rather than condolences. And in my case, that is it. Again, never would have picked it. But I'm so glad it picked me. So here's what I know. I didn't choose this chapter. I could have written my own story, but it would have ended differently. I'm not saying better. But today, I no longer wish for the life I thought I wanted. I'm grateful for the life I've got and the one I'm living right now. I've said it. My children and I are closer than we've ever been. My friendships are richer than they've ever been. I laugh louder. I don't, my laughter hasn't gotten us kicked out of a place yet, like one of my friends. However, I laugh a lot. I laugh loud. And I laugh sincerely. And my appreciation for an ordinary day is greater. I've learned that new beginnings don't ask your permission. They just simply invite us to step forward. You ready? Okay. So if you're walking through divorce today, or someone beside you or around you, or someone you love is, there is always hope. The end of a marriage does not have to become the end of the joy. It doesn't have to become bitterness. Oh, please no. It's not about revenge or resentment or retaliation. Stop it. It can become healing. It can become growth. It's definitely freedom. And that peace I talked about. And honestly, a future I never imagined. Because there was, that's not what I imagined. It's so much better. But don't ever be ashamed, smiling and laughing again because something ended. Don't apologize for finding joy again or people again or a person again. That's not betraying your past. It's embracing your future. A lot of people feel like they have to go through a period of shaving your head and sitting in ashes. No. No. You don't. You can. After a while, though, you need to get up and dust yourself off. Because after all, every sunrise reminds us of a new start, of something beautiful. And at the end of every day, yeah, it gets dark. That doesn't mean the sun's not going to come back out the next morning. Because the new beginning is always going to arrive in the morning. So be good to yourself. Encourage someone. And remember, the best chapters of your life may be the ones that you never planned to write. But they're right in front of you. Okay, this wasn't easy for me. I'm glad I did it. I'm glad you asked for it. It's I hope it doesn't come across as it's all about me. It is a message of hope and encouragement for you or someone that's going through major life changes. And so let me know what you think. Tell me your story. If you got questions or specifics, hit me up. I'll get in the weeds with you a little bit. However, I appreciate your support. I appreciate everybody's support over the past year. I appreciate you hanging out. I appreciate you hanging on, but most of all, I appreciate you O talking with Dave. Giddy up.