Sydney's Time to Talk: Leaving Toxic Relationships & Healing from Heartbreak

Leaving a toxic relationship is never as simple as it seems from the outside. In this episode of Her Time to Talk, producer Sydney—who is also a clinical intern at Her Time Therapy—shares her raw and deeply personal journey of navigating heartbreak, breaking free from harmful dynamics, and rebuilding her life.

She reflects on her seven-year relationship with a partner struggling with addiction, the emotional toll of trying to hold things together, and the painful process of walking away. Just when she thought she had escaped toxicity, she found herself in an even more dangerous relationship—one marked by manipulation, gaslighting, and escalating abuse. Through candid storytelling, Sydney describes the psychological traps that kept her stuck, the moment she realized she had to leave, and the support that helped her do it safely.

This episode explores:

• Why leaving a toxic relationship is so difficult, even when you know it’s unhealthy
• The emotional and social losses that make walking away feel impossible
• The insidious nature of gaslighting, control, and emotional abuse
• The power of therapy, community, and self-reflection in reclaiming your identity
• How healthy love can feel "boring" after years of chaos—and why that’s a good thing

Sydney’s story is not just about heartbreak—it’s about resilience, self-trust, and the radical act of choosing yourself. If you've ever questioned your worth in a relationship, struggled to leave, or wondered if healing is truly possible, this episode is for you.

Transcript

Meagan: 0:28

Hello, Sydney. Thank you so much for joining us and coming on her time to talk. We're really glad to have you with us today.

Sydney: 0:34

I'm happy to be here.

Meagan: 0:36

Can you start by telling our listeners just a little bit about yourself and who you are and what brings you here.

Sydney: 0:41

Sure. So my name is Sydney, and I am currently getting my masters in clinical mental health counseling and am also a practicum Student at her time. I also am doing the social media and helping produce this podcast. So I have a little bit of my hands and everything, but, I'm an aspiring therapist and hopefully LPCC in the next year or so here.

Meagan: 1:06

Yeah you definitely have your hands on a lot. You have a lot on your plate and a lot of value that you bring to us at her time. And for those listening to this podcast, Sydney is a huge force behind getting this podcast off the ground and to everything that goes in behind the scenes. Definitely have her to thank for a lot of it. And you will be hearing from her often. So we're so glad to have you as a guest in this capacity where we get to talk about a topic that I think a lot of women are Struggling with and that come to counseling to deal with every day. And that is heartbreak and breakups and how we deal with negative relationships and heal from them. This is something that I think all women have their own story. We've all been through a tough breakup at some point in our lives, or we will soon you've been through it or you haven't been through it yet. But how we actually get past it is a whole other thing. And that's what we're here to talk about today. Before we dive too deeply into that, I wanted to hear a little bit from you on your journey of becoming a therapist. I know this kind of informs our topic a bit. So can you share a bit about why you wanted to become a therapist in the first place?

Sydney: 2:11

So I've always had an interest in psychology and just understanding why we are the way we are why we think the way we think and behave the way we behave. And a lot of that has to do with my upbringing in general. I had a pretty tumultuous and in some ways traumatic childhood that definitely, bled into a lot of the patterns that I have within different relationships in my life especially romantic ones. And I've gone through two pretty intense breakups that, I've been in therapy most of my life in and out for different reasons, but acutely. Through breakups, and I had a breakup with a partner of seven years that I thought was going to be my be all end all person. And that's the first time I sought therapy in a while. And I ended up with the wonderful therapist who is very person centered very much validating a lot of things that. I had self doubt about and that was really big for me. Through that first, long term breakup, I was with an alcoholic for a long time. And as a healer, I found myself in a position where I was just trying to fix him. And that, Obviously was not super healthy. And I left that relationship. And shortly thereafter, I got very quickly swept up into a very intense narcissistic abusive relationship. And I am incredibly grateful for the support system that I had at that time with my therapist, because I don't know that. I would have seen the things that I saw or been able to get out of it so quickly because, there's a lot of women out there who have found themselves in these type of relationships that, we're going to talk a little bit more about that don't get out. Very quickly, maybe ever or they keep going back and they might have children with this person and I consider myself very lucky to have only been there for a year and a half and this therapist kind of, self disclosed a little bit to me that her journey to becoming a therapist came through a similar relationship that she healed from with the help of a therapist. And That was the catalyst for me where I'd been thinking about it for a really long time. It was a huge career change from my path working in film, media and marketing production. And that was just not really fulfilling to me. I'm just the type of person that needs to have my heart in whatever I do. And for a long time, I've been so full of gratitude for this person who really helped me and I'm ready to give back.

Meagan: 4:43

Sydney. It sounds like you really have a lot of experience healing from heartbreak and you're in good company with a lot of other therapists who come to this profession because they've been through something really emotional. And now that they're on the other side of it, they want to reach out their hand and help others that are in the middle of it. From personal experience and with the experience of a lot of women in my life and clients as well, I know that the first really serious relationship or the first really big heartbreak is one that tends to stick with you. So I'm curious if you could tell us a little bit more about the story of that first relationship that you, looking back now, see it as more of that toxic relationship that wasn't good to move forward with in your life and what brought you to understand this relationship that maybe started good is actually not a good thing in your life.

Sydney: 5:29

To understand how I ended up in that relationship, some context is helpful. I've always been what people call boy crazy growing up. I often felt disconnected and unfulfilled at home. I think that made me seek validation through relationships from a young age. I had a lot of heartbreak as a teenager and I often found myself in toxic dynamics, stuck in a victim role. My first love was in high school, and we carried a dysfunctional on again, off again relationship into college. I was very anxiously attached back then, constantly questioning myself and my worth. When I was 20, I met this guy at my first ever music festival, which was an incredibly impactful experience for me in and of itself. He was different from anyone I'd known. He was a small town guy from rural PA, blue collar, with a tough, carefree persona that intrigued me. At first it was casual and long distance, but then he visited me in New Zealand while I was studying abroad, and we went on this spontaneous camper van trip where we totally fell in love. It was very much like a movie. But even early on, there were red flags. He cheated a couple of times. I noticed how much he drank, though I brushed it off as typical college behavior. After graduation, we ended up moving in together, partly out of convenience after a long time of being long distance, and then for financial reasons as well. That's when I really saw it. I'd come home from work to find him passed out on the couch, beers and plastic liquor bottles hidden around the apartment, where he'd just disappear for hours, unreachable and intoxicated. I didn't recognize it as alcoholism at the time, especially because I was so young and It was very normalized by college drinking culture. I just thought, if I loved him enough and I helped him enough, maybe he would change. So I poured all myself into the relationship, putting him on a pedestal and seeing him through rose colored glasses. Despite his drinking and cheating, I overlooked his emotional unavailability and his inability to see past himself. I ignored my own needs and made my life. all about fixing his. I had a demanding job in New York City but my emotional energy went into monitoring his drinking and trying to hold things together. We eventually moved to Colorado, and the problems followed us. I became deeply depressed, I felt very isolated, and I ended up losing my sense of self. The first time we broke up was excruciating. I struggled with guilt over abandoning him, but also with immense frustration that he never showed up for me. I mean, seven years of dating and despite me expressing how important a birthday card was to me. I never got one. We broke up after a year, but when COVID hit, loneliness ended up leading us back together. I told myself that maybe this time would be different, but of course it wasn't. He cheated again, and this time it was with somebody I thought was a friend. The anxiety, the constant hypervigilance, wondering where he was, what he was doing, if he was okay, became unbearable. I finally confronted him and the truth unraveled. The cheating, the drinking, all of it. I even helped stage an intervention with his family to get him into treatment, despite being heartbroken at the time. Here's the hard truth. You can't love someone into sobriety. They have to want to make changes for themselves. I saw his potential, but he couldn't see it in himself. The darkness that consumed him started pulling me under, too. Looking back, I can see how his avoidance patterns triggered my anxiety patterns, perpetuating toxicity for both of us. The more I pulled him closer, the more he pushed me away. I struggled with intense anxiety and bouts of depression throughout the relationship and he judged me and resented me for it. Leaving the second time was still painful, but slightly easier, partly because I had done it once before, and partly because I finally realized I deserved better. Therapy definitely helped me get there. I want to make sure I'm not going on the record saying that I didn't play a part in our dynamic struggles because I most certainly did. I still had yet to understand my own defense mechanisms and protection strategies that were deeply ingrained from childhood trauma. Being able to decode and confront those in therapy has been a huge part of my healing process, and it's something I constantly work on to show up better in my current relationships. That relationship taught me some of my hardest, most valuable lessons. I learned how easy it is to lose yourself when you're trying to save someone else, and I learned that sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone you care about is to walk away and let them face their own healing journey alone.

Meagan: 10:30

Yeah, that's a really powerful relationship and experience that it sounds like it went over several years.

Sydney: 10:37

Seven years.

Meagan: 10:38

So this is a really Significant amount of time, especially as a young adult, seven years is like forever, your whole 20s is dedicated, spent to this person that, when we're looking back and we're seeing and identifying all these patterns. All these things that went wrong and why it was overall a pretty toxic sounding relationship. But when you're in it, in those seven years, those toxic moments are not happening every moment. There's a lot of moments of good sprinkled in between that I think for a lot of women kind of act like the slot machine type of thing where you keep putting in another coin because there's that hope that something good happens. And it does every, week, every other day, there's something good that happens. But then there's also something bad. So it's this conditioning that we're remaining hopeful and it keeps you stuck. And it keeps you from seeing the big picture that you're now looking back and seeing it through. I also am curious to hear from you because now you've done so much healing, you're separated from this relationship and you're looking back at the big picture, but from what you recall when you were in it, What were some of the things that came up for you that kept you in it? What were you telling yourself? What were your thought patterns that kept you there? I think part of it was, I just idolized him as this wise, kind, and deeply intellectual person. Because I saw him, like I said, with rose colored glasses. And I felt like I don't know if there was like a power struggle and I like looked up to him He was also older than me And I thought he had figured something out that I hadn't. I think a big one though was the social Situation that we were in our network was so intertwined, especially after the cross country move, you know when you're with someone for that long and I hate to say that this is one of the reasons but it definitely was Something to consider. Cause my best girlfriends from college at the time were dating guys and all of us were a little social group together. And there was a lot of consideration there of how would it affect other parts of my life. So I think that also, Put another set of glasses over me where I'm like, okay breaking up with this person is also going to really challenge all of these situations. We we're also living together, and adopted a dog together. You get close to each other's families over that period of time. You justify your positioning where it's just like tunnel vision of this is my person. I just have to figure out. How to fix this, and how can I fix him, and how can I fix me, and what do we do together, and how can I get him to therapy?

Meagan (2): 13:15

yeah, it's like I've committed so much time and effort into this person, this relationship. If I just do a little more, then it'll all work out. So I'm also hearing this element, too, of all the secondary grief that would come from the main loss of this relationship is one of the big things that kept you here. And this is maybe some grief counseling lingo of secondary losses, but, what I'm highlighting by saying that is that, okay, you could probably see, even when you were in it and things were very cloudy and hard to see that, okay, this person is hurting me and this is not a super great relationship. And I might not want to go forward with my life looking just like it is right now. But if I think of getting rid of this relationship and this person, it means the loss of our friend group of the lifestyle we created with the dog we adopted. I'll lose contact with his family. I'll lose contact with this. that I know it as of right now. So it's very easy, I think, for people to look on other's relationships and judge and say obviously he was an alcoholic, obviously he cheated on you and you're going through all this betrayal trauma and you're hurt by this. Like, why would you stay in a relationship that's hurting you? And it's not just about the relationship. It's so much more complicated than that, and it's a question of, am I willing to deal with the grief of ending this relationship and all the others that stem from it, all the secondary losses and when someone who's already hurt looks at that level of compounding grief, it can be really paralyzing.

Sydney: 14:47

Yeah, I found myself very stuck. I just felt stuck in every way. And, that type of depression where you're just staring at the wall like, I don't know what to do, but it's not this. But I don't have it in me to take action or it just feels so daunting. And another. I did have to make a lot of hard choices. I did have to cut out. Friends of mine actually had to cut out a best friend because she had Stayed friends with him and I just couldn't I couldn't be around it. I needed the temptation to be gone. I needed the reminders to be gone And that was the deepest grief. I think I had ever felt up until this point in my life, and it was very overwhelming at times and like having to physically move out of the space and not talk to them every day or at all. It was definitely really hard. One of the things I love I think my therapist at the time told me this about grief and it was one of my favorite analogies that anybody's ever told me. So the idea is that you've got a box and inside the box is a ball. And when you move the ball around, if it hits a button on the side of the box you're experiencing this grief. And basically the ball starts out really big. Therefore, it's constantly hitting a side of the box and it's hitting those pain points. But as time goes on, the ball gets smaller. It hits the pain points and it feels just as painful, but it doesn't happen quite as often. That analogy really resonated and stuck with me and helped me take things day by day.

Meagan: 16:24

Yeah, to just keep going through it and wait and see the ball getting smaller.

Sydney: 16:28

Yeah.

Meagan: 16:29

Yeah. And the thing about grief too is I don't think in a lot of ways the ball ever completely goes away, but it does shrink down to the size of a pebble and a pebble hitting the side of the box and hitting that button is a whole lot different than the basketball hitting it every other minute.

16:44

Yeah.

Meagan: 16:45

Yeah, that's a really good analogy to just help someone who maybe is in this spot who feels like this is not the life I want to be living, but if I make this monumental decision and do what feels like blowing up my life, I'm going to be dealing with a massive amount of grief and loss, and I don't know if I can handle it. It's a good metaphor to hang on and make that big, bold choice, because we got to trust that at some point. Almost the only thing we can rely on is change that eventually that bad feeling goes away. It comes down. It changes. No one stays in that forever, even though it feels like it when you're in it at the worst part.

Sydney: 17:21

Yeah, for sure. It's important to note that healing is not always linear. We do not always have the benefit of time before the universe provides us with another learning opportunity. Unfortunately, in my case, Healing from that relationship Put me very quickly into another one. And unfortunately this person was a narcissist and very abusive and he preyed on my empathy and also my position at the time where I was feeling so sad and so hopeless about this relationship. And he listened to all the things that I was upset about. And he was eating it up and he just came in and swept me off my feet. Gave me all the things that I had ever wanted. Grandiose gestures, vacations totally giving me all of his time and support. So I never really had that healthy healing period after that relationship. It was just right. Into this one. And unfortunately narcissists really look for people in these vulnerable positions and use them as targets for supply.

Meagan: 18:36

You're right in the sense that what narcissists will Identify a target and come in and just be prince charming, sweeping in and doing everything right. And it's such a strong comparison to the vulnerable relationship you just got out of. Or, it didn't have to be a relationship. It could be a bad family situation or Someone coming out of their own struggle, like out of eating disorder treatment or something like that, these narcissists will come in and just somehow be exactly what you need to make it seem oh my gosh, I found the holy grail of relationships here. And this is so wonderful. And that's how they sneak in. And it doesn't last that long. Really?

19:19

Yeah.

Meagan: 19:20

Yeah. But as we're starting to talk about this, I think we have to acknowledge to that we hear this term all the time. A lot of people come into her time and you'll see it all over social media that. Anyone who has had a bad breakup or feels like their partner has been selfish, oh, they're a narcissist. A narcissist is a term that is very popularized and it's thrown around a lot in a way that is not really accurate. We're going to pause here and go over the actual diagnostic criteria for. Narcissistic personality disorder for those out there that feel like they see this term a lot and maybe you're using it a lot, but you're not 100 percent sure of what that clinically means. So the first description of this is that a narcissist has a pervasive pattern of grandiosity. So either in fantasy or in actual behavior. They have a need for admiration. They have a total lack of empathy. And this tends to begin earlier in adulthood and it presents in a lot of contexts. So this feeling of Grander and this need for admiration. It's not just in one domain, like it's not just in their professional career. This is a pattern that is present all throughout multiple different contexts of life. Okay. So for someone to come into therapy and actually be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, they have to meet five or more of the following criteria. So the first is that the person has a really grandiose sense of self importance. So they really over exaggerate achievements and their talents. They expect to be recognized as the best. They are superior in all things and all achievements that they boast about themselves. Number two is that they're really preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success. power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love. So they really believe that they are or will achieve this unlimited level of success in different categories. Number three, they tend to believe that they are special and unique and can only be understood by or associate with other really special, other high status people or sometimes institutions. Number four, they require excessive admiration. So these people tend to get in arguments with people who are not constantly agreeing with this level of superiority that they feel about themselves. Number five, they may have a sense of entitlement. So this can look like really unreasonable expectations. Of treatment, or they really expect a lot of compliments to just be automatically given to them. So this sense of entitlement is often partnered with this really unreasonable sense of I deserve all of these things. And if these things aren't automatically given to me, then clearly, everything else and everyone else is wrong and are in misalignment with what they see about themselves in the world. Number six they are interpersonally exploitative. So it's very easy and almost like second nature for them to take advantage of others in order to achieve their own ends. Because after all, from their perspective, they are the special one. They are the unique one, and everything is owed to them. So it's very easy for them to seek whatever they can take from others. And it just feels natural because why wouldn't they be deserving of everything from you? And this ties really well into number seven, which is they have a general kind of lack of empathy. This might not reach like sociopathic or psychopathic levels, but they have a marked Reduction and the empathy that you would expect. So Sydney was just mentioning like she didn't receive a birthday card for seven years to most of us that feels really sad, right? That has an impact. And yet to this person that she may have been with, there's that marked lack of empathy where it's I'm just not focused on anyone else because of course it's about me. I'm the one who deserves those things, and it's unreasonable for others to expect that because I'm the superior one. And number eight they often are envious of others or believe others are very envious of them. So there's this discussion of of course they want to be like me. Everyone wants to be like this high status in this particular area. And along with that number nine, they are arrogant. They show a lot of kind of arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes especially towards others or in the behaviors or content that they put out into the world. Maybe people fit one or two of these pretty often, maybe even three or four if they tend to be a little more on the selfish side and just not super great type of person. However, to really truly be clinically defined as a narcissist, we have to hit five or more of these criteria on a consistent basis across multiple domains of life. Thanks for hearing the little pause as we go over the diagnostic criteria there because I think it's going to tie in a lot as we continue to hear Sydney's story here. So Sydney, as I was going over those, what jumped out to you?

Sydney: 24:21

It's just funny to read them again because It wasn't something that I was familiar with at the time, and I knew people threw the term around way too often, and I never thought about it in the actual diagnosable way. But yeah, I just laugh when I look at it now, because I'm like, yep. Yep. Checks off, checks out. it's easy to take this checklist and still try to apply it to people, I think, with a biased lens. But And I think, something that really helped me more so than just reading like the actual tendencies that are in the DSM was I read this book called Becoming a Narcissist Nightmare. And there's a lot of accounts in that book of women that have been in these types of relationships. And they have their own checklists of behaviors within relationships specifically. And to me, that was the most eye opening moment. I was like, Oh my God, this is my exact experience. You could have made a blueprint for it. And that's really scary. It's clear once you've experienced it, who these people are. And once you see it, you can't unsee it.

Meagan: 26:09

Oh, yeah. I bet when you're in it and you're looking back with this hindsight as well it becomes really clear. And since you mentioned the other book that you felt was really helpful to you, I want to give a quick plug for a book called Insight is 2020. And this was written by actually a Denver therapist Shelly. Pumphrey, she used to have a practice here, and I think she still does. But this is a really fantastic book that goes through narcissistic abuse and how to trust yourself and protect yourself from narcissistic abuse and other type of toxic relationship patterns. And it's really aptly named because it is about, like, when you look back on these relationships. It's like you have 20 20 vision, but you certainly do not when you are in it, so it's really helpful to have these resources that help you while you're in the moment and you're starting to question, is this really as bad as I think it is? And usually it is, and unfortunately it is, and that way you're one step closer to getting help. But with your story, Sydney, I think we left off on, you had gotten out of this bad relationship and really quickly got into another that in the beginning seemed so great. There is like these grandiose gestures and a lot of love bombing type of behavior that probably felt really good at the time. So what was it that took you from that beginning honeymoon phase into now I'm starting to question is this relationship really as great as it seemed to be? So what happened there?

Sydney: 27:34

Yeah. One, I just want to point out, I had been seeing a therapist the entire time. So I was able to process things as they were occurring with her. And had I not, I don't think I would have noticed. As much as I did or as quickly as I did, but slowly things started getting weird. Like I actually, I look back at my journal and I remember the first time he ever gaslit me and I had never experienced gaslighting before or knew that there was a term for it, he did something and then immediately tried to tell me that's not what happened. And I was like, wait, what do you mean? Are we not experiencing the same reality right now? And that happens a couple times. And I was like, what? Is this and at first you doubt yourself, you're like, am I crazy? Am I remembering this incorrectly? And I would say that I definitely have not the best memory. I think my ADHD plays into that a little bit and he definitely prayed on that and he would constantly convince me that something that he said or didn't happen. And that's a really hard thing to talk to somebody about because They're just basically questioning your entire experience. And I didn't know what the words were for it at the time. And I just was like, this feels off. And then more behavior started to feel off. Like he would get. Really angry. He had some really serious anger problems and it would be like on the flip of a switch, he would just start yelling and screaming and punching things and throwing things. And I was just like, this is not right. And there would just be these very vicious cycles of things would be going really well and then something would happen. I don't know what to set him off and he would just go berserk and I would be Very confused and then immediately he'd go into recovery mode where there'd be love bombing again And it was always flowers and this or that or an apology and a handwritten note and whatever and then I'd be like, okay I Accept your apology And then I would just find myself in this constant state of fear and anxiety Where eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop And it's just what's going to set him off next? What's going to upset him? What can I do to avoid him getting upset? And he would be looking for things, finding things to be jealous about from my previous relationship I have a boyfriend box that I keep some of my things and it's tucked away in my closet. And he made me burn everything and get rid of everything, and he never gave me the time to heal from that seven year relationship. It was just immediately into us being hot and heavy, super fast. Which is one of those things That narcissists do is they pull you in really close, really quick and then slowly titrate you into their bad behaviors. And like I said, the gaslighting was one, the anger was another. And then he was just really mean sometimes. Like he would say things to degrade my self esteem And then he would walk away and it's Oh, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Or little things here and there to insult my intelligence too. Like I mentioned, I have ADHD, so sometimes I'm forgetful or sometimes I, have problems with executive functioning. He would refer to me as as his special girl, like just like little language that's subtly demeaning and degrading. And it just kept escalating. He knew exactly what to do and say to be manipulative. And it then became let's work on this relationship. Let's go to therapy together. I would tell all these stories to my therapist and she did a really good job of scaffolding the information and not inserting what she thought because at the time it would have been hard for me to hear. Instead she asked me this question over and over again. She said, if everything stayed the same and nothing changed, Would you want to be in this relationship? And the answer was always no, but, and I find some kind of reason some kind of hope, some kind of breadcrumb somewhere. And we talked a lot about flags and so we do a lot. She'd be like, okay, that's a green flag. That's a red flag. That's a yellow flag. And it got to a point where it was red flag after major red flag. Another question that she often asked me was what. Does this remind you of from past relationships? And I didn't see it at the time, but I definitely grew up with a narcissist in my household. And there were things that he did and said and ways that he made me feel that reminds me of the anxiety I experienced growing up, where it was like, am I going to get the love today? Or am I going to be in shame and anxiety today? Eventually it got so bad and it would be in public too. He would do terrible things to me in public, yell at me in public, in front of my father, in front of other people. it got to the point where other people were noticing and they were like, this is not okay. And my best friend would ask me on a weekly basis. When are you breaking up with him? And it was in my head. I was like, okay, this is starting to be not good. But I had this anxious attachment where I was not quite ready to let it go. And then it all came to a head. One night we were at a concert and psychedelics were involved, which means emotions were very heavy. And he just blew up at me. He thought he saw my ex boyfriend in the crowd. and that totally set him off into a spiral. I've always had anxiety, but this period of time was the worst it had ever been. And he capitalized on that because he knew it. And I was with a new friend that is now one of my best friends who in the moment. We really didn't know each other. And she just was like, you don't need to put up with this. You know that, right?

Meagan: 34:08

The power of another woman just stepping in to say that and lend that hand.

Sydney: 34:13

Yeah, I have so much gratitude for her because that was really the switch where I was just like, No, this is not okay. I was afraid to go home with him that night. At that point we had been living together, which was insane because that should have never happened, but he needed a place and I let him. But yeah, we went home that night. He was absolutely crazy because I was put off by him and he was really trying to have sex with me and I had said no repeatedly, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. it was really bad and I locked him out of the room and he would break into the room and I was so scared of him that I was peeing in a water bottle in my bedroom instead of leaving the room because he was crazy. And I was texting all my family and friends I, I'm scared I felt like it was only a matter of time before he was gonna hit me, and that night I was like, this might be it. There were moments that I had with him that gave me flashbacks to childhood abuse. And I was like, I'm not experiencing this ever again. I will not be backed into a corner and my face be yelled at and this is totally unacceptable behavior. So I got my stuff and I left in the middle of the night after he finally went to sleep and I never looked back.

Meagan: 35:37

I'm so glad you were able to get yourself out of that situation. It really is terrifying and by the time you reach that situation, you already felt like you were at enough risk of harm that you had to lock yourself in a room..Yeah. And I think a lot of women find themselves in that place or when they've even gotten past the point where they've been hit or worse. And now it's the question of how do I leave safely because it was clear even in your situation, you didn't feel like you could leave when you wanted to. You had to wait for him to be asleep. So this can escalate really quickly before we can even see it happening when you're in it. Yeah, totally.

Sydney: 36:18

And I'm glad that I had the wherewithal from doing the self work and, the support, really the support that I had was Monumental in helping me. All my friends, came to my side and a lot of men that were actually, friends with him they saw all of this and they were like. We don't excuse this behavior and they completely cut him off and cut him out. Everybody was coming over to my house to check in. One of my guy friends stayed at the house while he was moving out to make sure that he didn't do anything weird. It was just, it was scary for a while. There were a couple of times where he tried to reach out, I blocked him on everything. So he dropped off a letter at my house at a very opportune time where he knew I was going to a concert that was really important to me that night. Luckily I didn't see it, but he came to my house and dropped off this long letter. And He did that another time, and I ended up not even reading it that time, but he was definitely trying to pull me back in.

Meagan: 37:20

And that's a clear, example of that psychological abuse, that he knew the timing of it, he wanted to hit you emotionally on an important day. Yeah, all sprinkled throughout this experience you've had, it's increasing levels of emotional abuse. Psychological abuse with the gaslighting all the way escalating up to a lot of intimidation and right on that bridge of physical abuse. So it's often in these toxic dynamics. It's not just Oh, they hit you. And if they don't hit you, you're in a good relationship. It's really not that simple. It's multiple forms of abuse that is often utilized to get to this point where, oh, man, now it's bad. Now it's really hard to leave and I might not be safe to leave. But I'm so glad in your example. It didn't get to the point where you were so isolated that you didn't have someone to text while you were locked in that room. You didn't have someone that was helping support you while you were moving out. So keeping the support of your therapist, of your friends, of your family, that's critical to your safety and your ability to get through. A dynamic like this.

Sydney: 38:23

Absolutely. And I consider myself very lucky because I have women in my life that have experienced way worse forms of narcissistic abuse that all started very similarly. But they didn't necessarily have the support network that I do or. I, darkly joke about this, but I sometimes say he was just not as good at his job as some other narcissists are. And I didn't marry him. I didn't have kids with him. All of those extra things that really make that much harder. I think it helps also that. The people that we surround ourselves with are really good people. And when these men saw that their friend was behaving this way, they're like, Nope, I don't care. Even things that like. They kicked him off the softball team, which I'm not involved with that at all. But they were like, we want nothing to do with this person. That's not the case for a lot of people for a lot of people. Narcissists could be really strong in their social networks. They might be powerful or influential. And they often are because they're really good at putting on a mask and or they're chameleons to their environment and they pray off of other people's examples and then emulate them, even though they're not sure how to be this person. They're not actually this person. They're like a shell. When it first ended, I didn't understand a hundred percent what the narcissist component was. And It's funny because my dad really early on, but send me psychology today, articles about love bombing I was like, okay, yeah, that was probably what that was. And then when I read that book, which sounds very similar to the one you're talking about and I read other women's accounts it was so validating. And I think validation was the most important part of healing for me. And that came, in the form of books and my therapist and other people in my social sphere. I think that the hardest part is learning to trust yourself again and not be riddled with self anger or self doubt. My first thought is how could I let this happen to me? Am I that weak of a person that I let somebody do this to me? So building up that self worth again, I think was the most imperative point for me And I was able to do that through just this intense I called it my incubation period where, I was consistently in therapy, I was journaling a lot, meditating regularly, going to yoga changing things in my space, getting a new roommate who was actually the girl who inspired me to leave him and that relationship blossomed and really was helpful in my healing as well. And yeah, I went on some. International trips where I did a lot of fun yoga, surfing type things and self searching. And eventually I was able to build that back up. Healing from that was one of the most radical acts of self love I've ever done for myself.

Meagan: 42:15

That's really powerful. That takes so much work and time to recognize the areas of yourself that were broken down and the way that you're now talking to yourself about yourself and learning how to unravel that negative self talk and bring back a self concept that is not so damaging. Cause holding onto that kind of lets them win. But I know I've had a lot of clients that have come to therapy and I think we've talked about this in the past too, where oftentimes as people leave negative relationships or they go through a really hard breakup, they go into this belief that I call it like a cocoon effect where they're like, I just need to go into therapy or do my eat, pray, love thing for five years and then I'll be all done with my healing and I'll emerge this beautiful butterfly that's able to date and able to have it all together. And that's not really how this works. We can't heal entirely in isolation and outside of relationships, right? Because sure, we need to maybe take some distance and have some time to grieve and build back the relationship with ourselves. But being willing to be in relationship with friends and family and eventually other romantic partners can be really healing too. So I'm curious to hear about your experience with finding your next partner as part of this healing journey.

Sydney: 43:31

Yeah, I think That was a really big part of my healing journey in a surprising way. And you hit the nail on the head. Like I said, I called it my cocoon phase and I set a timeline for myself. I was like, all right, for six months, I'm not going to date anybody. Which felt important to me, because I had jumped from relationship to relationship. And I was like, I need to take some time to refigure out who I am. And what I want with my life and then I will make myself open to the universe if something shall come my way. I did do the online dating thing for a little while just because I was feeling lonely. And I was like, okay, maybe I'm ready, to meet someone casually. And let's just practice the casual thing. And I ended up meeting somebody who was like, Super lovely. And we hit it off and we went on a bunch of dates together, spent a lot of time together. And the entire time we went into it, like he had just gone through a breakup. I had just gone through my two breakups in a row. And we're both like, we're just going to casually date intentionally, and we're not going to put any pressure on anything And we did that for six months. And at a certain point my brain was like, okay, maybe this is too much. Maybe we should stop this. Like it feels like the relationship, but I don't want a relationship with this person. There's no way we would ever work. He's too boring. And I realized something very important that my therapist told me. And that was that after this and after all the relationships that I've been through throughout my life that had these patterns of intensity and then depression, just like the up and down of the nervous system meeting somebody who was stable and emotionally regulated and didn't tear up my nervous system seemed boring. And. I listened to that. I would make excuses constantly to her, to my friends, to my parents nah, but he's not. He's not it. And they're like, you haven't told me a single thing yet. That's bad. I almost broke it off for a second. And then I reverted back around and listened to myself and listened to my therapist and was like, maybe I should just try this. And it ended up being one of the best decisions I've ever made. I am really. Excited because I am now in one of the most loving and genuinely wonderful relationships I've ever been in in any type of form, I have somebody that. Is good for my nervous system and I can feel that and I can feel how different that is and how actually that's how it should be and it's not something I ever knew was even possible just because of how many damaging relationships I had in my life and I didn't realize you could just not fight all the time. Both of my last relationships were categorized by lots of arguing, lots of fighting and including, my mom and stepdad and I thought that was normal. I thought that's what you dealt with when you love somebody. He is just so wonderful and compassionate and empathetic. And he shows up for me and all the things that I thought I was too much to ask for. He's what do you mean? Of course, I'll do this for you. Of course, I'll be there for you through this. Don't feel. Guilty asking for support when you're anxious, stuff like that, it's really beautiful. And I think that's important for me to share with others who are going through this, it is out there and you deserve it, we all deserve it. And for me, that has been so healing in so many ways, like instead of focusing on all of the problems that I need to fix in this person or the relationship, I have this support person who's here as I navigate my own life and my own desires. And I've been talking about. Starting my therapy journey in grad school for probably four years and it wasn't until I finally could emotionally relax and focus till I finally did it. And so many things in my life have changed because I have found this relationship that gives me the freedom to be who I am while also supporting me in everything that I do.

Meagan: 47:52

Yeah, that's so powerful. And honestly, it takes a lot of bravery to get to this place to try to heal and trust another person again with your heart and with being in that intimate vulnerable type of relationship. It's really scary after you've been burned so deeply two times before. It's really easy to just say it's not worth it. All men are too scary. And even if there maybe is this hope of a couple out there that are okay, it's just not worth going through it all. Your story is a really good example that it's worth kind of being brave and doing the healing on your own. But also as part of that healing, being open to exploring other relationships and meeting new people and new partners. I characterize it as one of the most powerful things. I think all women, even if we haven't been through this type of really toxic relationship, we all need to unlearn the Disney reality of relationships where it's very dramatic and the fireworks are going off and it's Prince Charming swooping in and there's this big element of the relationship coming into your life, which feels exciting, but that's actually a red flag, right? The faster it happens, the more dramatic it feels. The bigger sensation of love that starts a relationship can actually be a sign that it's not good. And as you said, some of the safest, healthiest, most solid relationships are the ones that are going to feel boring at times. So maybe that's the thing to go for.

Sydney: 49:22

Yeah, I was like, I'm so excited for my life to be more boring. My twenties were very chaotic and very dramatic. And I've been so ready to just be settled into my life and, on this path. And I think this relationship was part of it. And healing from those other two was. A big part of it as well. And it's something that I'm still working on every day. It doesn't just go away. It's it's pervasive and fighting the self doubt is still hard. It's still something that I. Sometimes seek validation for my partner who has a lot of patience with me with I think the biggest thing is patience in the healing process is patience for yourself and the people that have patience for you or the people you want to keep around because it's not easy. And it's constant work and you have to take the time to do it,

Meagan: 50:18

right? As we're wrapping up here, Sydney, I have one more question for you. You mentioned at the beginning of your story as you went into these two kind of big relationships that you had to navigate through and heal from. You mentioned that kind of all started off with you being boy crazy as you were younger. And We're not going to demonize women's sexuality, right? Like that term in itself has that connotation of there's something wrong with that when really that's what you're supposed to be doing as you become a teenager. Biologically, that's what's supposed to happen. So we're not going to victim blame on that regard. You looked at it like, okay, I started off as being a little bit more boy crazy and because of my family situation, I had an Anxious attachment style that maybe made you a bit more vulnerable to these dynamics. And as you're looking back on your childhood and these relationships and the good relationships that you're in now, I'm curious, what is it that you tell you about yourself after having gone through all of this? What is the belief in the self talk that you practice now because of all the work you've done to really see the big picture?

Sydney: 51:24

The number one mantra I have is you are enough. And that's something that I wrote on my mirror the day after I kicked the other guy out of the house and loving all parts of yourself, including the shadow side, the things that we don't necessarily like about ourselves. Loving myself wholly and giving myself grace and patience. Loving myself in general has been a struggle for me throughout my life and I think I've done a lot of inner child work where I go back and have these meditations where I'm Hugging and loving my inner child and I think that's been Really helpful. I've written letters to my inner child because I think a lot of these relational patterns started from a really young age where

52:17

Some other mantras I have are

Sydney: 52:20

I felt abandoned,

52:22

Some other mantras I have are

Sydney: 52:25

so healing that abandonment wound. I deserve healthy love. This is an opportunity for growth. I have amazing support. I am strong. I am resilient. Resiliency was a big one for me too.

Meagan: 52:42

That's a great list of mantras for other women that find themselves in this place to start with. And working with the therapist to help developing that list of this is how we talk to ourselves as a form of resistance to what they're wanting you to believe and the way that they're talking down to you. That can make the difference between being able to Get out and change your life Thank you so much for sharing your story today. Sydney. I think a lot of women are going to relate to this and your story is going to be really inspiring to them to make some different choices.