How to Move On When Someone Hurts You and Never Apologizes (EP36)

What do you do when someone hurts you and never apologizes? Here we explore how to move on when someone hurts you and refuses to take responsibility, and how waiting for an apology can keep you stuck. We'll explore how to let go of hurt and how to release resentment even when you never get closure. If you’re struggling to heal after being hurt and how to move forward without an apology, this episode will provide inspiration and tips for you to take your power back and finally move on.

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This podcast show is for people dedicated to spiritual awakening, spiritual practice, psychology, healing work, collective healing and awakening, and global positive social change. 

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This podcast show explores meditation, mindfulness, consciousness, spiritual awakening, and spiritual growth, with a strong focus on personal healing, trauma healing, emotional healing, and somatic healing. We dive into nonduality, embodied spirituality, the true self, life purpose, and spiritual practice, while also addressing shadow and integration themes like spiritual bypass, ego-death, root causes, and holistic healing. Episodes draw from psychology and attachment theory, as well as ancient wisdom traditions, esoteric wisdom, energy healing, and indigenous wisdom, offering grounded insights for seekers on a path of inner healing, wholeness, and deeper realization.

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A deep bow to: Amma (Mata Amritanandamayi), Yogi Ramsuratkumar and Ma Devaki, Neem Karoli Baba, Ramana Maharshi, Papa Ram Dass, Sri Aurobindo, Shirdi Sai Baba, Satya Sai Baba, Anandamayi Ma, Hilda Charlton, Daskalos (Stylianos Atteshlis), Saint Francis, Saint Clare, Saint Teresa, Padre Pio, and more.

Keywords for the show: meditation, mindfulness, consciousness, spiritual awakening, spiritual growth, personal healing, trauma healing, emotional healing, somatic healing, inner healing, nonduality, embodied spirituality, wholeness, grounded spirituality, life purpose, spiritual practice, enlightenment, realization, the true self, ego-death, spiritual bypass, attachment theory, psychology, root causes, holistic healing, energy healing, ancient wisdom traditions, esoteric wisdom, esotericism, indigenous wisdom, bhakti, Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity, sangha, Divine Will, spiritual ascension, collective awakening, collective healing, global ascension, connecting with angels, and connecting with spiritual guides.

Keywords for this episode: Moving on after being hurt, closure, forgiveness, how to let go of resentment, how to move on from a bad relationship

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Transcript

0:05

We're no longer going to wait for the other person to understand, we're no longer gonna wait for the person to empathize with us. We're no longer gonna wait for the person to apologize to us. Not because it's not merited, not because we don't deserve it, not because it wouldn't be right, but simply because it might never happen. And if we get stuck on something that might never happen. We are putting our life on hold so our power here, our healing here. Is to take control into our own hands Welcome to the Ground of Love. I'm your host, Olivia Frazao. This is a podcast for people who are deeply dedicated to the spiritual journey. You are here for self-growth care, for others, and being of service to the world. This podcast is in service to you to help you remember who you are and why you are here, you will receive inspiration, clarity, and no BS Love. We are walking each other home. Let's begin. Today we're talking about a situation where something happened between you and someone else in the past where you were hurt, something that person did, something that person said hurt you, and it is unresolved. Potentially, you're still relating with that person. Potentially you're not speaking with that person, but regardless, this is something that has not had closure. This is something where you never received acknowledgement, apology, empathy, something from their side that would help you feel like they're revealing guilt or remorse, or that they understand your side and that they're trying to make amends in some way. You have not received that from them. And so the situation that you are currently in is a stance whether or not you're in contact with this person. It's a stance of feeling unfinished with this person feeling like you're carrying a pain from the past with them. You might be carrying judgment towards them. You might be carrying resentment. You are likely carrying hurt, whether it's obvious to you or whether it's hiding behind those previous two things. Today we're talking about how you can free yourself, how you can become free without them changing at all. That's your true freedom. There are no conditions placed upon you healing from this. Outside of your own choices that you make with yourself, your own self-care, your own self-healing, your own inner process. There is a part of you that has been waiting for that person. There's a part of you that's on hold, like you're on the phone with someone and they put you on hold and you're kind of hovering, waiting. There's a part of your field that's on hold with this person because there hasn't been closure and because there's a part of you waiting for it from them, there's a part of you waiting for repair or resolution or apology from them in order for this, let's say, open task to be completed. So there's a, there's this pending feeling for you, and during this pending feeling, during this waiting, there's this lingering negative sense, negative emotion. Negative feeling within yourself when you think about this person or that situation with them. So no matter how long ago it happened, no matter whether you pretend to be fine with that person right now, and you are keeping the peace and prioritizing harmony, but underneath there's this resentment, there's maybe you're acting passive aggressively. Maybe there is a way that you are sabotaging your current way of relating with them because of the resentment that you're holding towards them. Maybe there's a way you're being really hard on them for things that actually are totally fine because it's actually displaced pain and a displaced response from you about the past that you're actually putting on top of the present and they might not actually know what's going on. Potentially, you're not in contact with this person. Maybe this is someone you broke up with or divorced. Maybe this is someone who you're no longer friends with. Maybe this is a family member that you're estranged from. It doesn't matter how much time has passed, if you do not feel either neutral or compassionate towards that person. Okay. Meaning the only thing left is if you feel negative towards that person, then you're still linked to that person. You are still linked to the story that you guys lived together, and it is continuing inside of you. You're on hold. There has not been closure. So here's the good news. You are capable of bringing yourself to closure without their participation and without their change whatsoever. They do not need to change at all. They do not need to come back and get on their knees and tell you that they feel such remorse and beg for your forgiveness. They do not need to come back and finally empathize with you and tell you that they understand what they did wrong and they finally understand how you feel. They do not need to have some life experience as painful for them so that they learn how to empathize because they've now been in your role. They don't need to do anything. So how does this actually work? What is the magic here? Because now that nothing is required of them, the truth is that everything is required of you. And if your first reaction to that is, Hey, that's not fair, it's on them. I really understand that. I get that. In terms of fairness or justice, that's probably true, but in terms of you finding your freedom, if you stay in that stance, you will not find your freedom. Or you will only find it on the off chance that they change, and that's you depending on them. Until that happens, and it might never, ever happen. And so what we're doing here is we are choosing freedom and we are choosing self-love. We are choosing self relationship, and we are choosing you finally being in your own power. You are no longer tied to someone else's power, to someone else's choices, to someone else's healing, to someone else's timeline of their healing and awakening and realization and aha moments and timing for when they're able to come back to you. If ever with a new stance, you are now in your own power. You are choosing your own power. This doesn't happen by accident. This doesn't happen randomly. This happens by choice. You becoming free of the pain that has held you down in this dynamic will happen because you are choosing it. It's an active choice. It's an action. How does this actually work? When does this actually happen? What does this require? You need to want healing more than you want, what you want with that person. I'm gonna say that again. There's something that you want from this person. Resolution, connection, empathy, attunement, apology, repair. You need to want your own healing more than you want those things. And then you're gonna say to me, but those things are what's gonna bring my healing? And high likelihood that would be true if that happened, but that's an if, because we can't control what other people do or don't do. And so I'm providing another opportunity for healing. I'm providing one that's on your timeline, one that is completely in your control. That's the difference. And in order to do the healing, that's in your control, you need to want this healing. More than you want. The way you want it to happen, you need to want the outcome more than the way that you get to the outcome. You need to want to be free more than you want the justice, the conversation, the reconnection with that particular person that's gonna get you to what you feel freedom is. You can be happy. You can actually quote unquote, get over this or get past this. You can move on. It is possible. Is it harder? Yes, but it's also more freeing because it's on your timeline and it's your choice, and it can happen any time. What it requires is the motivation, the strength, the power of your choice. You need to want it. You need to want to feel better about this. That's complicated because the reason you feel bad about it, even though you say you hate this person potentially, or you never wanna talk to this person again, or whatever it is that on the surface level makes you act like you're turning away from them, perhaps in response of them having turned away first. But notice if you're in that location as well. The only reason you feel those things is because in truth, you really want connection with them. We're only angry with someone because what we truly want deep down is to actually have loving connection with that person. If that were possible, that would be the ideal, but because it feels not possible, we end up in a defense layer instead and we make our home there. And so in order to get out of that defense layer, in order to get out of this holding pattern that we're in, we need to be very, very honest about what our resentment and judgment and anger is really about why it's there. Yes, it's there because something happened that was unjust. Yes, it's there because this person did something that hurt you. That's true. And there are more pieces to this puzzle, and the piece that we're looking at is your reaction to having been hurt by them. Your reaction to having been hurt by them is very understandable. We all have this. This is a natural human response. It's a healthy human response where we get hurt and on top of that hurt, we often have anger, judgment. I don't want to talk to this person again. Some kind of turning away, but truly that hurt and that anger. What deep down, if we look for it, if we're courageous enough to be vulnerable about this, we can own the fact that deep down we would love to actually have loving connection with this person. And so we can wait for hundreds of years for this person to turn towards us in anger, in resentment, not wanting to budge, because what we're actually waiting for is connection with them. The solution that I am inviting us towards here is a solution where we are choosing our freedom more than we are choosing, wanting connection with that person. That's tough. We need to let go of a desire that we have attachment to. We actually have attachment to this person. That can feel very confusing because this might be someone who you haven't spoken to in 20 years and who you still hate. There's a reason you still hate them because there's desire there. There's desire for things to be different between the two of you. That's why there's strong emotions still. The emotion is a response to the fact that there's a desire for things to be different. In order for us to not be stuck in that emotion anymore, we need to choose our freedom over our desire. We need to have a different desire, a bigger desire. Our desire for freedom needs to be bigger than our desire for resolution. It needs to be bigger than our desire for connection with them. It needs to be bigger than our desire to be right. It needs to be bigger than our desire to be understood by this person. That's really hard. I admit that. And yet there comes a day when our pain becomes either so unbearable or we begin to simply be bored of it, or we finally become curious enough or courageous enough to consider something new. We are no longer going to wait for the other person to change. We're no longer going to wait for the other person to acknowledge us. We're no longer going to wait for the other person to understand, to understand what happened. To understand what reality is, and the way that we see and understand it to understand us. We're no longer gonna wait for the person to empathize with us. We're no longer gonna wait for the person to apologize to us. Not because it's not merited, not because we don't deserve it, not because it wouldn't be right, but simply because we have no control over whether that ever happens and it might never happen. And if we get stuck on something that might never happen. We are putting our life on hold with a timeline that we have no control over. So our power here, our healing here. Is to take control into our own hands and to know that if something is stalled in our healing of a relationship with someone, our power is in looking at what is that invisible thing on our side that is blocking us from movement forward, from healing, from moving on, from letting go. It doesn't matter if they are quote unquote, to blame for what happened. It doesn't matter if they were the one who wronged you. I'm not saying that you are to blame for anything. That's not what I'm pointing to. What I'm saying is if you don't feel free inside, if you don't feel at peace inside, there is something inside of you that you can work with, that you can heal, that you can get to know, that you can embrace. That will get out of the way between you and the freedom and the wellbeing and the peace that you are actually truly wanting and needing. You can do this on your own. Without them, it doesn't mean that you're all of a sudden gonna let go and feel better. High likelihood, this holding pattern that you've been in has been holding within itself emotion that you have not yet processed. The choice to process that emotion is actually what is going to accelerate the healing process, so you're actually high likelihood going to feel worse before you feel better. This is usually the case when we do healing work because the first layer is some type of repression. And in this scenario, the way that we're repressing our emotions is through blame towards the other person. Everything has been channeled into the other person. Our attention is always on them, on what they did, on how the stance they're still holding is not fair. So now we're gonna bring our attention back towards ourselves, and as we do this, we can start to unravel this energetic bundle of emotion. We can start taking ownership for our own capacity for choice, power, movement, and healing. This does not mean that we are taking ownership for anything that they have done that is theirs in terms of whatever wrongs they did, in terms of whatever harm they caused in terms of whatever wrong choices they made in terms of whatever pain they inflicted. We're not taking accountability for that. But we are taking matters into our own hands around, okay, what's happening in my own psyche? What's happening in me? What's the landscape in here? And what are all of these layers? Let me get to know them. We can't have any pride in this process because it relies us to look at things that we might be very rigidly holding that we need to hold more softly. So what I say, I say with absolute love and care and empowerment towards you. And again, another disclaimer for the millionth time. This is by no means whatsoever about removing accountability and reality and truth. Around what happened. This person who needs to take accountability for what they did is not doing. So yes, they need to. It doesn't mean we are letting them off the hook, but it simply means that we are giving their process back to God, back to life itself, back to the universe, whatever your name for all that is, and you are not gonna be the arbiter hovering over them, waiting for them to understand life because you doing that is hooking you to them and it's making you not be able to fully live your own life. There is a part of your energy that's with them rather than with you. So we are giving them and their learnings and their growth back to themselves. We are not gonna hold that in our own to-do list. Hovering over them being like, they're supposed to do this. They're supposed to do this. They're supposed to understand this. They're supposed to come back to me with a new understanding of everything. They're supposed to finish this correctly. They're supposed to heal this for me. They're supposed to. They're supposed to. They're supposed to. This is true Empowerment it's only working on our side of the court relationally and getting very, very aware of what that territory is. So, as I said, when we actually go through this process, because we are looking at ourselves, that which we hadn't been seeing, or that which we hadn't yet been able to or willing to process, is now going to actually reveal itself Underneath hardness. Underneath Judgment and Blame. Underneath turning away is pain. It is sorrow, sadness, hurt, heartbreak, grief. These are actually the emotions that have been more painful to feel, and so we have allowed ourselves to stay on the harder emotions, on the top layer of things, the harder emotions. Not hard in terms of difficulty, but hard in terms of like hard and soft. This is the hard stuff. This is the sword and the shield. It's the outer layer review. The one that blames, the one that judges that outer layer is hiding a softer layer underneath the heartbreak, the hurt, the grief. So high likelihood. Unfortunately, the next step here after simply making the choice that you want freedom more than anything else, is that you have grief to move through. That's what's on the docket. Now, you actually have two griefs to grieve. One is the grief of whatever happened, whatever the original event was that you feel hurt about. That's something that you have been very aware of. The other grief is the one that you might not have been so aware of or you might not have processed enough, which is actually the grief that's waiting for you. Now, if you truly choose your own self-healing, which is the grief, that what you need from this person might never happen. That your pain might never be acknowledged by this person, that you actually have to let go of waiting around for it In a way. It might feel like losing hope, but it's actually a freedom. It's like you've been standing at the end of the driveway waiting for the person to drive back home and give you a hug. You're not gonna be standing out there waiting for them to come home. You've been standing in the rain for years. So at this point we need to say that they're not coming back and that may or may not be true, but if they do come back, you're not standing in the rain waiting. You're doing your life. You've walked back into your own home, your own life, and if on their timeline they magically come back, great. Amazingly enough, you're not actually gonna need much of their acknowledgement or apology at that point anyway. Amazingly, if they do come back, you're gonna realize, wow, it actually doesn't really matter much to me anymore. I already healed this. So that's the grief. That's the grief that we need to acknowledge now that what you want, you're not gonna get. This is a grief that has been standing in between you and what life actually is. This unprocessed grief is like a space or a thing taking up space that is separating you out from what life actually is. It's the gap. Between where you're standing and where life is happening. Another way of saying that is when we think about spirituality and what the ultimate pains of the world are, that spiritual awakening heals. We talk about separation. Ultimately, this grief is a form of separation between you and life that is waiting for you, and the life that is waiting for you is the life that's actually happening and the life that's waiting for you to step into it more fully so that it can happen with your full participation and with your full energy going forward. What's happening right now with this grief that has not yet been processed is part of your field is blocked. It's separated out from life as it actually is, and it's living in a fictitious world called should. In the world where you're thinking about that other person and you're thinking, you should do this, you should have understood this, you should have never done this. And while those shoulds, morally, ethically, logistically can be completely correct, unfortunately that's not actually what's playing on the life track. Actual life is not that other reality. So the more that you are living within that other reality, waiting for life to go on that track, instead, the more you're not on the life track. And so when we talk about healing or spiritual awakening, what we're truly talking about is acceptance. Not grasping, not aversion, but simply being With being with the arising. Being with what is. Again, to be clear, acceptance does not mean that what the person did was okay, and you're giving them a free pass. What it means is you are accepting life's hand. You're not accepting the fact that their behavior was okay. Absolutely not. That's not what we're talking about. We're not erasing the fact that what they did was not okay. That's not what, that's not the acceptance that I'm talking about. It's the acceptance towards what life's hand has given you. It's the acceptance of life itself. In its messiness, in its unfairness, in its pain. And so this comes back to this concept of choice where we need to have a desire for growth and for healing. That's stronger than anything else. We need to want to heal more than we want to remain a victim. That's very, very hard. We need to want to heal more than we want to be identified by the story of what happened because we are carrying that as part of our identity, and if we let it go, our identity will actually shift, and that's very scary for the egoic personality self. So we need to look into that. Who would I be without this story? You need to want to be free more than you want to be, right? You can be right, but if you wanna also be right in their eyes, you could be waiting a long time not being free. So which one do you actually want? If you had to only pick one? You need to want change. In order to change. You need to want change in order for your life to change in this particular scenario because you are the one that has been allowing yourself to be stuck in the past and waiting for the future. And in that world of should. Which is unfortunately different from what's actually happening, and that unfortunately is the grief that we need to traverse. It's the landscape of grief that we need to traverse when we are walking from the track of should towards the track of where life actually is. Imagine for a moment, like there are two train tracks parallel to each other. One of them is the train track of should life as you wish it were. It should be like this, it should be like that. This person should be like this should be like that. And then far away from you is another track going parallel, which is what life is actually doing. That's actually where your body is and it's waiting for the rest of your field. It's waiting for your awareness and your emotional body and your mental body to join it. And it is less powerful. When your field is spread out like this, across these different realities. It's less honed in and concentrated in its own location of self. You actually don't have all of your power with you because some of it is on that track of should. So what's this, let's say grass in between, right? What's this territory? This land in between the train tracks that you're riding life on and the train tracks that life is actually on that gap. That space, when you walk it, it's like that land, it has a fog, you know, like that, that early morning fog when it's still kind of dark out and it's cold and there's just this, this fog covering the landscape. That's what you need to walk through in order to get to the life train where you are actually, you've, you're actually in it. You boarded the life train when you were born and you're still in it, but it's waiting for you to come back home to yourself in that way. But in order to come back home to yourself, you must traverse the territory of grief. What's the grief? It's the grief of letting go of the world, of should, of leaving that behind, of leaving the dream behind. Now here's the good news, the good news here is that. You know, where you've been besides the world of should, you've been stuck to the other person's field, you think, oh, you haven't spoken to this person in, I don't know, years. But by wanting them to be different, by blaming them for something that you still feel emotionally, what you're doing is you've tied your energy field to them. Those emotions are cords. They're energetic cords. You cannot talk to someone for years and still be with them energetically by virtue of not having let them go because your resentment and your hurt is keeping you connected with that person. So you don't like them. You say you don't wanna see them. Whatever that surface level, no, I'm turning away from them or I've turned away from them, is whatever that stance or story is, it doesn't matter because your desire for resolution to come from them, keeping them to blame in that way where they owe you something, whether you admit that you want this from them or not, that keeps you tied to the other person that you say that you don't even wanna talk to, but you're actually energetically tied to them. You're energetically tied to this person who perhaps you haven't even seen or spoken to in a long time. More thinner, energetically tied to people who you feel neutral about that you see every day. So you're actually perpetuating your connection with this person by staying in the stance that you've been in. So when you actually let them go, when you actually walk away from having your awareness and part of your field linked with them, and you bring yourself back home to your own life timeline and your own body, you're gonna feel a natural levity inside of yourself with regards to this person and the past situation that you were in with them. It is going to feel irrelevant to you. It's gonna feel neutral to you on your way there. You might even actually start being able to empathize with them, see from their vantage point, have compassion towards them. Again, none of those things mean that you're writing off what they did, as if it was okay. Being able to have compassion for someone who does horrible things doesn't mean that those horrible things were not horrible or should not have happened. Compassion is still possible. It's still ultimately the most awake capacity. It's, it's what the saint and the Bodhi Sattva and the guru and the great spiritual master is capable of. It's okay if you're not capable of that, but one day, one day maybe you actually will be. Maybe you actually will be, and that could actually feel really freeing for you, and that could actually feel really light and warm in your heart. And who benefits from that? Yes, they do, because that's positive thought forms towards them rather than the negative ones you've been sending, whether consciously or unconsciously. But you benefit from that. You are the one benefiting from your compassion towards that person. So we can't magically jump towards compassion. We can't just pretend that we feel love towards someone, that maybe we just don't. And that's okay because we're not here to spiritual bypass. We are here to excavate what's inside of us that has kept us stuck. We are here to become loving, compassionate, curious. Excavators of our own psyche. We're here lovingly available to face whatever we need to face inside ourselves in order for whatever is stuck to get unstuck, and it probably won't feel good. It is 99% likelihood, if not a hundred percent likelihood, frozen pain that's cycling over and over itself through a layer of blame. But that's a top layer. So when we finally stop using that as the way that this pain is expressing itself, and we start actually digging in there and finding out what are the other ways that it expresses, we'll probably get to layers of heartbreak that are, that are much more painful, which is why we haven't done this yet. Which is why staying in this blame place is actually comfortable, even though it's uncomfortable. It's like the most comfortable option. It's like the, the lesser of the, the two evils in our thought around subconsciously our thought around how we handle our emotions. But the truth is, this one keeps us stuck, but we go into the pain, We allow for whatever it is that we see inside of ourselves, and what we might notice is there might be things inside of us that we actually feel shame around. Can we be with the places inside of us that actually feel shame? I'm not saying it'll be there, but it's a possibility. Those are the places that are hardest for people to look, which is why I am naming it, to make sure that we cover all our bases. I had already mentioned grief. Another thing ultimately is just an overall heartbreak and sometimes we get to this layer of heartbreak where it's not even about that particular person or situation anymore. It becomes archetypal. It becomes like the ultimate heartbreak where everything painful somehow feels connected, and you're aware of this heartbreak around all pain in some kind of more general way. Then we're actually getting very deep when it becomes not only that person in that situation, but something that's even broader that we're able to access. It's like we've gone to the the underlay of life itself, where all of the roots of these painful experiences meet in these deeper understandings, and when we actually presence the emotion that's there. Let it be known and let it express itself simply through our awareness of holding it with gentleness, at least with neutrality. If not with love and care, we will naturally experience a movement, a shift in how we have been seeing reality and our life experience naturally as a result of just allowing for that process of witnessing what's deeply in there underneath the service levels that we've been used to underneath that skipping CD disc that just keeps showing the same part of the song of this story that we've been stuck in. We're getting to know the entire song that's hidden underneath, so now we're making our own timeline. Your healing from this is no longer waiting for their timeline, waiting for their apology, their recognition, their empathy. That may or may not ever come. Now you're on your own timeline and the timing of how quickly you heal is the timing of how much you are allowing yourself. The time to give yourself loving attention in the places that have not yet been met with your own awareness, with your own attention and care, with all the emotions that are underneath the main emotion that has been cycling constantly. So this is you choosing to be in your own power. This is your power. This has nothing to do with your power in relation to them. It's not a power game. It's not who is more powerful. This isn't any form of vengeance. Like, oh look, I feel great and I want you to feel bad about that, or This has nothing to do with that. This is has nothing to do with them. There's no need for any type of. Negativity towards them, any type of interaction with them, any type of one upping, which is just another form of violence, right? Revenge is a, a very toxic response, very violent response, and it hurts both people. This has nothing to do with that. This is clean power. This is your real power, your true power, your true self. This is about you. With you. This is about you coming home to yourself. This is about your own self love. You are beginning to consciously make choices about what you will carry inside of you and what you won't, and you are choosing feeling better. That's what you're actually choosing. We are told to let go, oh, let go of that. I need to let that go. Right? We wanna be free of this feeling of hurt. We wanna be free of the resentment that we have with this person. We wanna be free of those things. So we need to want that freedom more than we want. The hurt and resentment, we already talked about that, but how do we actually then let go of the hurt and of the resentment? This is what I consider to be the easiest way forward. We are not simply trying to let go of the hurt as if we're holding it in our hand and we're gonna drop it. Because in that case, what we're focusing on is the hurt and how it needs to magically release itself from our field. First of all, the only way it is gonna release itself from our field is when we actually allow ourselves to feel it, not when we try to throw it out of ourselves. So instead, letting go. What I wanna invite, letting go to be in this case is actually a shift in what we are focusing our attention on. We're letting go of our attention getting hooked into the story that we have been stuck in and by And how do we actually let go? We are simply moving our attention to something else. I, so for example, let's say you're looking straight at something that's painful to you, okay? You are not gonna grab that thing in your hands and throw it. You're gonna let it sit there and you're gonna take your eyes and you're gonna move your eyes to look at something else that's ful to look at, that you care about and that you want. So let's go back to what this little metaphor means in our situation here. I want to be free of this feeling of hurt. My attention needs to focus more on how dearly and deeply I want that freedom. More than how hooked I am emotionally and in my own story of my own identity and the stories of my life and what makes me who I am, that that hurt is about. My focus needs to be on freedom. Freedom, freedom. I want freedom. I want healing. I want freedom. I want healing. I want myself back. I wanna feel happy again. I want wellbeing again. I wanna feel free of this. That's what gets us focused towards movement and change. That's what has us with, with our eye on the prize. That's what has us focused on our objective. That's what has us, knowing where we will get to after we have moved through the territory that's in between where we are now and where that actual reality lives. Where does that actual reality live? It lives in us being fully friends with our life. We are on the, we are on the train of the train track of our life. We have entered back into our own body. Why? Because we have actually allowed acceptance of life's unfairness, acceptance of the fact that we might never get closure. Acceptance of the fact that we might never actually have the person understand acceptance of the fact that what happened to us was not okay, and there might not be resolution from that person. But it's also a claiming and an ownership of our power, and thus an acceptance, if you wanna call it that, of our strength. An acceptance of the power of our choice, an acceptance of the power of our will, an acceptance of the power of our sovereignty, an acceptance of the power of our heart. And as we focus on our heart and on what the fact that we deserve wellbeing and the fact that we actually are capable of wellbeing on our own without anybody else's help for it, the more that we actually feel that empowerment, the more we are able to accept stepping into that grief, stepping through that territory of whatever the emotional pain is inside that we haven't fully excavated and allowed ourselves to feel and have it move through and have it be fully witnessed and expressed. Now, we are so strong in what we truly want, which is our highest wellbeing, which is our greatest future, which is moving forward in our sovereignty and in our freedom that we have, that as our guiding force, as our north star, and as our momentum, and as our motivation to move through this heartbreak, we are choosing our sovereignty. We are choosing our happiness. We're no longer linking our happiness to anybody else. We're no longer linking our happiness to the story of the past, needing to act itself into the present or the future in a particular way. We're letting that story be the past That is a radical act. We are choosing a radical act because this requires us to let go of the identity that we have been living inside of. That's the hardest thing for the egoic personality self to do, is to release a sense of identity. So we need to be very, very honest with ourselves around what is the identity that holding onto this story allows me to maintain, and who am I beyond this story that I've been holding and my stance to it that I've been holding? Who am I without this? You can write that down if you wanna remember as a prompt for your meditations. Where you can work on this self-healing work for this, and if you wanna work towards that compassion piece, which is tough, you can consider putting yourself in their shoes and finding out what needed to have happened that was painful in their own life that you may or may not know about that made them be the way that they were to have made the wrong or painful choices they made when they did that painful thing to you. You're simply, this is a practice of empathy. Doesn't mean what they did was okay, doesn't mean you're gonna super duper love them. But it's a way of simply having a little bit more neutrality in the whole thing. By shifting around perspectives and seeing the whole thing from a bird's eye view, you know your side very well. You're simply coming to see these things from a little bit more outside of the, the tight grip on your own personal experience that this thing has been held within. It'll allow you to free up that which has been constricted. It's like you're allowing some movement, like the sand is starting to be able to shake, This is an act of a very high level of maturity. This is something that you can be proud of. This is self love. This is you truly picking yourself up. You're not waiting for anybody else to save you. You're not waiting for anybody else to free you. and what that also means is you have no more excuses. There's nothing in the way anymore between you and the future that you actually want. Between how you feel now and how you actually want to feel. You can feel that. You can feel happy and at peace. You can feel like you've gotten over this thing, like you've gotten actually past it, not in a spiritual bypass. Throw it under the rug. I'm over it kind of way. Where actually you're turned away and you feel resentful and judgmental and rigid and whatever. No, that's where you're at now. Now you are valuing your freedom more than you are valuing keeping score. You're valuing your freedom more than you are valuing anything else. You're valuing your healing, your self love, your empowerment, your happiness, your wellbeing, and your capacity to move forward more than you are valuing anything else? What's anything else? The story you have been holding, who you have been in that story? And what you actually wanted for how you wanted the story to end. That's the grief. It's letting go of the fairytale ending. So your homework, let's summarize what's possible here. What can you work on? What can you take forward for yourself? How can you make this actionable what you heard today? Let's go through it. Step by step number one, which one do you want more? Do you want to heal more or do you still want to stay in this holding pattern more? You need to choose number two. I give yourself time. To be with the grief of accepting that you did not get what you really wanted and needed. Be really loving and embracing towards yourself in that grief, and you have to get with the reality to allow yourself to actually stop in being in the holding pattern of blame and anger to actually get out of that and go into the grief. I'm gonna say that in a different way. The blame and the anger, and the avoidance and the rigidity is the holding pattern that you're stuck in because it's your last hope. It's actually a signal of hope. It's like that image that I had given where you're waiting for the person to come back. So we're gonna let go of that hope, and that's what's gonna take you out of those that. Surface level of the heart emotions and down into the softer, vulnerable heart and grief is allowing yourself to accept. This is the acceptance pathway where you're walking from the track of should to the track of where life actually is waiting for you. You're letting go of wanting it to be different. That's very difficult and it's not something you can just do mentally. It's not something you can just do. Like some cute affirmations of like, I'm letting go. It. It takes feeling what you don't want, feel, and then you can find out what's actually in there. And then as I said, when I had said earlier, you could write this down if you didn't yet, I'll say it again. You can ask yourself, how is this defining my identity? And who would I be without it? And you can then start also feeling where you're stuck because of where it's actually holding certain. Parts of how you define yourself. And once you find out what those are, they're more, they're easier to start releasing. So then the other thing that you could do, which is harder, but it could really, really help, is maybe you could write it down actually. You could write a little story of the protagonist, the first person, narrator being the other person, letting yourself be in their shoes, not just within the situation that you had with them, but like you can make it up. Think about life experiences that they might have had before you even met them potentially or before they treated you in whatever way they did. That would lead them to have a certain pain within themselves that would lead to whatever state they were in when they treated you the way they did. Because we only hurt people when we are hurt. We only act in a hurtful way towards others because we are hurt. So the more we can actually find the hurt inside of that person, that can actually help us see from a place of more neutrality, which will take us out of our own personal pain and allow us to be more free. It'll bring us towards that place of unhooking from that stuck place. So, yes, you can do this. You can be free. Yes, you are going to feel so much better. thank you for being with me in The Ground of Love. You can follow this podcast to receive the next episodes, and who is it that comes to mind to share this episode with? Please go ahead and pass this along to them and go ahead and leave a review or a rating if you wish. I thank you for that. For one-on-one healing sessions and a group membership. you can go to the ground of love.com. Blessings to you. May you be protected, held, regenerated centered. And taken forward with all light, love, truth and highest and best health and wellbeing on all levels and taken forward to make the greatest, most beautiful impact doing exactly what you're here to do. God bless you. Protection, grace, protection, grace. So it is.