Inconvenience Is the Price You Pay for Community

We all crave connection. To feel seen, to belong, to find people who just get us. But here’s the truth most of us forget, community is not convenient. Real relationships are built through small acts of showing up even when it is uncomfortable, listening when you are busy, forgiving when it feels easier to pull away, and being present when no one else is watching. In a world where everything is optimized for speed, efficiency, and personal comfort, community asks you to slow down. It asks you to care when it is easier not to.

In this episode, we explore the invisible cost of connection, the emotional labor, time, and patience it takes to truly belong somewhere. Whether it is friendships, family, or chosen community, the bonds that last are the ones that survive inconvenience. We talk about the discomfort that comes with nurturing relationships, why small efforts matter more than grand gestures, and how genuine belonging often starts with sacrifice.

If you have ever felt frustrated when friendships feel one-sided, drained from always being the one who shows up, or scared to invest energy because it never feels reciprocated, this episode will help you see the bigger picture. Building community means understanding that love is not transactional and belonging is not instant. It is choosing to participate even when it is messy, uncertain, or tiring. Because the truth is, community is not built on comfort, it is built on consistency, vulnerability, and care that shows up even when it is inconvenient.

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Transcript

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(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) In a world that's getting too polarizing and hyper individualistic, how do you build a community? How do you be a part of something bigger than yourself, but at the same time have the support system, especially the ones you need in your 20s to keep going? Because a big part of being in your youth is being surrounded by people who are around the same age as you, struggling together, living together, supporting each other and building at the same time. But a lot of people in this social media age are connected but not together. What does that mean? Hello everyone, welcome back to another episode of irreplaceable and I am your host Ira. And today I'm going to talk about building your community in your 20s. And it sounds easier than how it is because it's so difficult. I have so many people who have fallen track or have given up or even fallen into depression because they've lost community. And at the end of the day, humans are social animals. We require connection. We require community. And I don't want to rant right now about those people who just jump from relationships to relationships because they can't really realize that what they're actually looking for is community. And that's why a lot of times you see people in relationships, marriages, what not, that they are with someone but they're completely alone. And why does that happen? A biggest example of not being a part of a community is what's happening with men right now. The male loneliness epidemic is nothing but men not being able to form their groups, bond and connect over people. And somehow they've made it a woman's issue. But keeping these things aside, keeping political ideologies aside, keeping why this happens and what that happens aside, I'm going to tell you that if you genuinely want to build a community, there's a blueprint for it. And it's easy. But all you need is patience, time and authenticity. Trust me, it'll work. And once you get a hang of it, everything becomes much easier. You wouldn't need labels anymore. You wouldn't have to be performative for anything. These are genuine advice. And it's inspired from my own life. So I would actually start it off by telling you a story of how I was as a kid. So I was that kid in school, like even ever since middle school or even kindergarten. I can make friends easily. But my problem is I can't keep them for long. And I was that kid who was friends with everyone. But I never really had a group. And because of that, I would cry a lot in high school that, oh, I don't have a group. I don't have friends to make videos with, all these TikTok dances. I don't have someone's birthday party to organize and arrange and go because I was always friends with everyone, but not besties with anyone. And I had best friends, but those were more like one on one friendships. I was forever jealous of those groups who were like friends forever. Like five, six people in a group who are tight from day one till like school gets over, even like in college, even now, they're still friends. And I'm forever jealous. But I'll tell you something now. Now my perspectives changed because those people, they didn't get an opportunity to grow. They didn't get an opportunity to explore people apart from this group. They never left that small town, that small city. And the reason I don't have a big group is not because I'm a bad friend. It's because I moved, I shifted, I changed schools, I experienced life, I was open to new ideas and people. And I never pigeonholed myself to a particular category. And the older I got, and the more I observed these friend groups, I understood the dynamic is so toxic. It's either one of those groups where they're very incestuous. Oh my God, that word was difficult. Or one of those groups where like there's one leader, and everyone's just surrounding them. Or one of those groups who are just together for survival because they're doing the same thing. And they secretly hate each other. And fortunately, what happened with me was because I cultivated those individual friendships, let's say I had a friend in debate class, I had a friend in art class, I had a friend in sports, I had a long distance friend, I had a friend who I've never met, we're just online friends, like gaming friends or something like that. Or I just made some travel buddies. What happened was cultivating and nourishing those friendships eventually made me network better. And that's when I found out that the payoffs that I'm getting in my 20s far outweigh anything those communities of individual groups offer. Because not only do I have variety, I have quality, I have connections, I have network, I have perspective, and I have opportunity. I don't have to take someone's permission to go make new friends. I don't have to be scared of these people are going to accept this other person I'm going to get or not. I don't have to take permission. I don't have to categorize myself as something. And every group of friend has seen a version of me that's very unique to how they present themselves. When I'm in with my sports group, I'm very sportsy, I'm very outdoorsy. When I'm with my theater group, you know, I'm very, you know, expressive and artistic, things like that. So when I'm with my gaming group, it's completely different. And I don't just split myself into sections to exist with these people. I most of the times bring them all together. When I'm throwing parties, my birthday parties, my house party, some event, some concert, I bring all of them together. And I make them interact, hence strengthening the bond. And this community that you're talking about, it eventually becomes a village. But this requires a lot of thought, a lot of compatibility, a lot of conversations, understanding to reach this stage. It's not gonna happen overnight. And what's funny was, literally today in the morning, what inspired this podcast episode is today in the morning, I was talking to some guy, and his birthday is coming up next week. And he goes like, Oh, I'm not really like, into celebrating my birthday this year. Because haven't you seen like, you know, as you grow older, people just stop wishing you like, people start wishing you less. And I was like, excuse me, speak for yourself. Every year, I at least have 20 more people to wish me happy birthday, send me gifts, party with me whatnot. And he's like, come on, no, that's not true. And I have spoken about this topic so many times on my Instagram, maybe some rant or yap I was doing. But inconvenience is the cost of community. You have to inconvenience yourself for other people, so that they one day might inconvenience themselves for you. It's a maybe there's no guarantee. And that's why a lot of people don't want to play this game. Because in a lot of people's head, the reason why we're moving into a hyper individualistic society is in a lot of people's head. It's everything's transactional, even relationships are transactional. Everything has to have give and take investments, there's that. But connection is a very long term thing. Connection is very help oriented connection is very random. So you can't always social climb yourself to the top. A lot of people don't have the skill for it. But they would like to believe they can a lot of people want to have great friends, but they don't want to be the great friend. A lot of people want friends who will help them but they don't want to help anyone. A lot of people want friends who would like do this and listen to them and do that and do therapy for them and then take them out to party and this and that and what not. But they would never do that for someone else. What's the reason? You need to understand that if you want a village, you'll have to be a villager. You cannot be the king. You cannot be the chief. Why? What do you have? So this ego to have that oh other people should wish me other people should do these things. Why doesn't nobody do this for me and that to me comes from a sense of entitlement that you think that because your parents treat you a certain way. Everyone in society has to and that's not true. A big chunk of your 20s especially your mid 20s goes in humbling yourself that you're not that special. You're not the only one and you actually have to struggle to find your footing in this earth. When that carpet is literally pulled off from under your leg that jerk you get that oh fuck that's reality my friend and when you realize you're not that special not everyone's gonna pamper you not everyone's gonna accommodate you that's when your ego takes a hit and you realize okay I have to not only show people my worth I need to act it as well because it's a great thing we all have self-worth and we all deserve nice things but every now and then there's going to be one person who's going to come up and say why should I who are you and that's going to hurt but when you see the statistics of how many people there are of your age how many people are more accomplished than you how many people are more beautiful than you how many people are more richer than you and then you see who you're competing with you have to quickly realize that I either act my worth or I get lost in the dust if I have that same sort of entitlement and I see a lot of that happening with Gen Z because they were the generation we were the generation who got pampered a lot by our parents for you know having participation prize and just showing up and oh everything's fine and gentle parenting which is great which is great but don't have that boomer mentality that oh you're the shining star and the world should bend to your knee without having to prove your worth so again to have a village you need to be a villager and I'll give you a simple exercise to start okay let's come back to the birthday problem okay like a lot of people telling me that oh I don't get a lot of birthday wishes no one remembers my birthday I don't get gifts how many people's birthday do you remember how many people do you wish on their birthday and you know what's funny especially on Instagram I've seen this people are so uptight about dropping a like comment follow wish like I don't get it I don't get it like I'll tell you I don't remember anybody's birthday I don't remember any anyone's birthday I don't it's just it's so much it's so many people but if I'm looking at people's stories and I'm scrolling scrolling scrolling and I saw somebody's put up stories of their birthday I am gonna naturally wish them happy birthday imagine watching 30 stories of someone about their birthday and not saying anything that makes you look much worse than just replying to one story happy birthday that's it it's so simple it's so simple and even if they don't say it back to you that's fine you know what I do I make this rule this year I'm gonna wish you on your birthday you're gonna wish me on my birthday next year if your birthday comes first I'm gonna wish you but if you don't wish me back next year I'm not gonna wish you it's that simple I'm gonna pick someone else to wish it literally takes half a second or you know to write a heartfelt text to somebody or to drop a comment when someone's looking good there's this new feature that Instagram just posted where you can see how many people now have viewed your post so first it was like you can see how many people have liked your post and now you can see how many people have viewed your post so I have like a thousand followers and I would get like 200 300 likes at best now because of this new feature I can see that 3,000 4,000 people have seen this post and you're telling me that 300 people out of 3,000 have only liked this what does this have to say about us as a collective and I'm not bitching and saying that oh my god why are these people like gatekeeping their likes but that's exactly what I'm saying it's just a bloody like you don't have limited amount of likes on social media platforms or limited amount of comments that you can not drop it and I always remember you know who commented who texted who replied on my stories and I make sure I do the same it's just reciprocity and if you are again in that zone where no one is reciprocating to you no one's doing things for you start doing things for them selflessly don't keep a score just do it and that's how I started I'll tell you what happened when I left college okay and I started working the first shock was like oh my god there are very less people here in the industry who are my age because in college you know I would just walk in and I would see 10 20 100 people who are in that same age bracket but now that I'm working I go I wake up I go to work I meet like maybe one person who's my age who I might not even like and then 10 older people and then maybe younger people and I don't even have time to socialize because who the fuck does that at work I'm too busy and then I come back home at like odd odd hours which is in the evening and then I just change I hit the gym at the gym I'm listening to my music or my podcast and then I come back home and maybe I'll scroll on social media for a little while and then I'll go to sleep this is the life of most 20 year olds what do you do apart from that to build a community so sometimes you have to go out of your way to do things to get people and I did that for six months and this was when I was 21 okay I did and not even six months I think I did that for three months and I was so depressed and then covid happened and that's another six months and I was like I can't live all this is this what adulting is if is this what being a grown-up is I cannot do this till I retire I need to have a life so I consciously decided that I need to make friends or my age and it's always a hit or miss you know what I started doing I started going down for walks instead of hitting the gym and doing cardio I started going down for walks and this is so scary but I did this and all of my friends right now whoever like know me it's because of this behavior of mine and that they have like this inside joke that Ira does this all the time you need more friends you just you like you go on a walk with Ira and she catches people like pokemons and this is literally what I do I go for a walk and I people watch okay if I see someone uh approachable someone who looks like my age or someone interesting I would literally go up to them and be like hey hi do you want to be friends I'll be like hey hi do you want to walk together I'm walking alone I'm super bored do you want to like walk with me and what's the worst they're going to say no no you know the chances of being said no is like one in five and if you're attractive it's almost negligible and I'm telling you I'm not attractive like at least when I'm walking in all you know cargo shorts I'm not attractive okay if you're a girl take this advice and I would like I would approach girls only it's I have approached guys but no one's like said no to me and so many times this has happened I'm walking with someone okay I'm trying to get to know them I'm asking them introductory questions small talks because I realize that if I'm a 21 year old and I'm facing this issue there must be other 21 year old too because if I am a normie then there must be other normies like this and that's how I made friends and you know sometimes like I would straight up be like hey how old are you okay come be friends with me like if they are fitting like a certain age bracket I'm looking for and then I would and then I would meet their friends and stuff like that like at the gym I would go to the gym purposefully not have my headphones on and if someone approaches me I'll have like a small chat with them or you know when you become a regular at something you start spotting some people and then you have that you know like mild head nod and that's how you become friends and so many times this happened I have approached people I'm on a walk with them I get to know them and eventually I realize okay we're not a good fit we I don't really see us being friends and that's fine I drop them I drop them I limit communication I'm like fine you know our vibe didn't match but would it hurt you to approach someone so many people in this world are dying to be approached do you know that oh my god I'm going to do a whole dating segment on this because I'll tell you something every time I've dated someone and we're out in public people are turning heads people are turning heads because how the fuck did she pull him because I will doubt she will ask people out if I find someone attractive and I know they're single honey you're coming with me and I legit like I go up to and talk to people all the time like hey you want to be friends with me you want to date me you want to do this do that and 90% of the time people are down for it so you could have this personality trait you could be a planner and be like hey come on you know I'm going to be someone who's going to initiate it's not going to make you less cool it's not going to make you less likable yes it's a confidence thing but it's also a life skill because of that the problems I'm suffering right now is I have way too many people to socialize with I have way too many friends and that's being a problem in my life that okay I have to go to this person's dinner party and this person's birthday party and I have to like go on a drive with this person and I have like three trips planned with other people like oh my god my calendar is so full these are the problems I would like to have and in just six months not in six months like I would say proper proper friendship like in a year I went to I went from crying about not having enough friends and being extremely lonely to having a surplus and abundance in life to the point that I didn't even want relationships anymore to the point that when people would approach me I didn't want to be friends anymore because I was so exhausted and drowning so that's one of those things and you know it always is it feels unfair in so many places like initially when I would wish everyone happy birthday when I would invite everyone to parties when I would throw these parties cover the cost like I'll tell you I started a badminton community in my society because I really wanted to get into fitness and sports this year and I really wanted to increase my mobility so I was like you know what I want friends who are going to do this and I started literally asking people hey are you want to play badminton with me like I would see someone at the gym I'm like hey you want to play badminton with me I would see someone at squash do you want to play badminton at pool do you want to play badminton and I would play badminton with any and every age group because I want to play badminton and I showed up every single day looking at me people started joining me and now I have 40 people who want to play badminton with me in just a month and a half and I started this earlier this year it's October now to the point that I have to tell people I have to refuse people that I don't have enough slots I don't have enough time I'm sorry I cannot invite you for badminton through them I have made so many friends through these 40 people I might I must have made 40-60 more friends and it's crazy the kind of networking that can happen just just in one thing and that is showing up also like I have like so much to teach you on how to actually build a community my podcast timer is ending and I've yapped a lot so I'm gonna meet you next episode and I'm gonna tell you about this so yeah keep listening and I'll give you all the tips and tricks because by the end of this year listen it's October right now I'm telling you if you apply this if you've actually been feeling lonely and you apply what I'm gonna tell you by December by New Year's you're gonna walk into 2026 with a whole new group of people new friends new life new identity and you can actually build that community you can actually have a village and be a villager in it it's not that hard but it is a life skill remember that that's all for today's episode I'll see you next time bye