Episode 005 - Parenthood: The Good, The Could-Be-Better, and The Challenging

In episode 5 of "The Good-Years Podcast", we cover one of the most challenging yet rewarding experiences of our lives thus far; parenthood.  We discuss the areas in parenthood where we shine but also dive into the deepest parts of us that were exposed once children came - and found that some of these areas needed work.  This episode is for those that are looking to learn more about themselves and maybe get ideas for your own parenting/relational journey.   

Transcript

lindsey: 0:00

We are Brent and Lindsey Goodyear, husband and wife duo, here to share our unfiltered thoughts on marriage, parenting, faith, family, and everything in between.

Brent: 0:09

We promise to ask the hard questions and share perspective as we navigate life in all its unexpected curveball filled glory.

lindsey: 0:17

So here's the authenticity, here's to growth, and here's to embracing the Goodyears. And cut! Yes! Masterpiece! Slammed

0:27

it!

lindsey: 0:30

This podcast is sponsored by Great Harvest Bread Company. Oh yes, oh my gosh, their Bayou Bars are the best. I mean, you guys, just picture this like ooey gooey oatmeal bar topped with fruit. It is like the most decadent indulgence, I think, in town. I know, I get them for clients probably a couple of times a week and they go crazy when I bring them in. It pulls them all out of their offices. They love them. Um, and as a bread and carb expert, I can tell you that they have the best fresh baked bread in Lafayette. I'm telling you, it's so good. Um, for every holiday, I'm in charge of bringing the bread because again, I am an expert and I get the potato rolls. I'll get whatever, 20, 30 of them, put them in the oven. Uh, whenever we get where we got to go and, uh, whenever we pull them out, they're gone in no time, they're so good. And, uh, I gotta say, uh, great harvest is owned by probably the most handsome man in Lafayette, Mr. Brian Malonso. He is a stud. So if you, So seriously, on a real note, the people there that work there, they are so kind and so warm and so welcoming when you come in, they really treat you like you're, I mean, just so important as a customer and everything you'd expect from like a, a warm and cozy bakery, like local bakery kind of vibe. So, um, you guys be sure to check them out. Um, if you're local in the area, we highly, highly recommend them. Yep. 854 College Saloon Road in Lafayette. That's it. Tell them we sent you. Yep. The good years. All right. Oh, here we go. Y'all welcome to another episode of the good years. I'm Lindsay. And I'm her. Her husband. Yeah. We're not going to have to introduce herself every time. I just feel like for the first view. Until they like fair enough. Get to know us a little bit. Fair enough. Fair enough. Yeah. Well, we are. Coming to y'all from our kitchen table. Um, we have carded our kids off to my mom's house for the hours that we could try to. Be somewhat productive, although we've had a very interesting. 24 hours. Yeah, our dog was sprayed by a skunk. At about midnight. So that was a lot of fun. And that was after we went to my mom's house to, uh, spend the night. And the night, because we lost electricity at our home twice this week, after some really bad storms came through. So. And both our kids are sick. Right. I brewed a pot of coffee and. I am. Adequately caffeinated to the point that like I've got the jitters and the shakes. And so we're ready to go. And today we're going to learn about the lessons that we've learned today. And we're tired. Um, yeah. But seriously, we are, we are going to talk about, I guess, like lessons that we've learned so far in. This parenting journey. Um, you know, we're now. You know, still pretty new in the parenting journey. I would say in the grand scheme scheme of things, Um, you know, we have, our oldest is three, so we've been at this for three years, but. I've learned a lot about myself in those three years, it's been a lot of, um, I guess soul searching and. Wow. I didn't realize that I hadn't dealt with this kind of. Uh, all the Lindsey, the Lindsey you were before kids in the Lindsey, you were that you. Kids are two totally different people. So it's almost as if you had to relearn. Okay. Uh, your identity changed a little bit. So you have to figure out, well, who am I now? Which was y'all went through the exact same thing. Like probably most dads. So before. Um, Brent. Prior to having kids had a lot more time, had a lot more opportunities to, to relax and unwind. And those opportunities are almost all gone. So. I have to learn after. Relearn how to manage. Um, Emotions time. It's not like our emotional regulation or for me anyway, is, is. The one of the biggest struggle. That. I guess I have in parenting, especially like. As we. You know, have a. A toddler and a child that has an increasing independence and I can do it and, you know, desire to. To learn and to try things on his own and kind of push back, which I think is his normal and natural. As part of growth and development that he like Jackson, as he's getting older. He wants to establish his own independence. He wants to, he wants to try new things and it's. You don't want to stifle that, you know, you want to actually encourage it right. But there's a lot of patients that comes with that. Like little things of. Um, The amount of time that it takes for him to just get in and out of the car. Where if I picked him, if I picked him up and put him in my truck. He'll take one second. But instead I'm standing there for 15 seconds. While he's slowly maneuvering his way. Uh, being distracted by every butterfly along the way. To get into his car seat. You know, like, oh, here's a sucker. Oh, dad was this, you know, And it gets really frustrating and I find it's the most frustrating whenever we're going to rush. Right. Um, which is whenever I find that. I get the most worked up. If I'm, if I find catch myself in at rush. But I just have to remember he's three. And he's also way smaller than me. So the steps that it takes for him to get into his car seat are a lot more than it would take me to climb up there. You know? So when he doesn't learn how to climb up and do it himself, if we don't allow him the opportunity to show it. I'm the same way. Like I am at prior to having kids. I mean, I'm. I'm like, uh, so just to preface, like I'm a type a. Perfectionist. You know, Personality. I mean everything in my day, especially prior to having kids with schedule, you know, I was one of those. Um, well, to this day I have. Two different planners and then the electronic cleaner on my phone. You were one of those. And that, but, um, you know, so I was very, you know, my day was very planned out and organized and I guess for me, like one of the biggest. Um, realizations and lessons that I've had to learn is that, you know, my children aren't. Robots. Like, they're not just going to, because I had. Have it down that you're going to, okay. Jackson goes down for a nap and Marla goes down from nap from this time to this time doesn't mean that that's going to happen. Um, And that was the biggest. Um, hurdle for me to overcome, especially in having Jackson, like with our first, like, I can remember like anything that would go off of my plan and like how I saw the day unfolding, according to the schedule that I had come up with in my head. Um, Totally derailed me. And, you know, part of that was, you know, really. If you guys have been around for any amount of time, I really struggled pretty significantly with Jackson and some with Marla, with postpartum anxiety. And so. If you have anxiety, then. Your capacity to, to pivot into adjust when things don't go as planned is, is very minimal. So it. I think it, it, it was very, um, I'm at a loss for words, but it like, it fueled that fire of anxiety and the fact that it. Because I had no control of my day. Like I had a child that was it, you know, their own person, their own human, and no matter how tiny. I can't force them to do the things that I want to do. On my timeline all the time. So I think. Typically I say, typically what you're kind of trying to say is so. Um, normally. You had more, you were more proactive. Because you had more controls. See things coming. And you becoming more reactive. Was a little, a lot more chaotic. Yes, because if you don't have control. Over the situation. You're essentially just reacting to it. If you're proactive. You kind of control the situation before it gets there. Yeah, but there's only, you can only be so proactive when it comes to parents. Yeah, I understand that. I guess what I'm saying is you're, you're not a reactive person. People who are, who. K being reactive or like, oh, just go with the flow. And we'll just react as accordingly. Which is what I knew. I was telling you for awhile. Just go with the flow. Like it's going to change. You know, But that's the reactive side, but the proactive side of you. Um, which is the same thing with me is like, okay, well, let's take, let's take the bull by the horns and let's manage this before the chaos gets here. And then whenever the chaos would get here, it's already managed because we were proactive. With the chaos gets here. No, we're not. Well, now we're reactive. And. Whose brain doesn't work that way. You know, It's kind of tough. It definitely is. Gotten better. I feel like we've both gotten better at it, you know, as we've had. And now a second child, and we've been doing this for. A few years now and realize that, okay, this is not going to get better. I. I pretty much. Only ha I mean, we do maintain some sense of control. Like there is like, but it's got to be very fluid and loose. And I think that that's what I've learned. It's like, okay, this is the general outline of how I want the day to go. And, you know, we're going to hit a few high points in the fact that like, at some point in the day, we need to get an app in. And at some point in the day, we need to make sure that this. The blue, like a bath has taken. As opposed to with Jackson, our first, it was like this like military, like structure of this is the exact time that this happens. And if it doesn't. Then all hell breaks loose. Um, and I think that that's where at least I know for me, I've gotten better in the fact that I don't always get it. Right. And you can attest to that. Like sometimes the things don't go my way. It takes me a while to like, To circle back to take a deep breath and like wrap my head around the fact that. Okay. Let's pivot. Let's make an adjustment and then go from there. Yeah. Yeah. You can't try for perfection at this point. You know what I mean is too. Um, I'm not willing. I'm not willing to wear myself out. For it to be perfect. I'm just trying to get to where things are just good enough. You know, Like, um, for example, I can remember whenever I was a kid. Um, my mom raised my brother and myself. Uh, on her own right. Um, so she was taking care of the house. And the yard, everything. But once I finally got to an age where I could start mowing the yard, I remember my mom told me she was like, Brent. If you told me this. In my adult life. Right. She said, uh, you had mowed the yard and it was so bad. Like, like you just didn't know, you were just starting.'cause like at the end of the day. I didn't have to do it right. Yeah, it was done. So she was like, It was good enough. So true. We're definitely in a season of good enough where like, None is better than like not done. I. And it doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be good enough. We're just trying to move forward. Right. I mean, you can't. If we would try to strive for perfection here. Oh man. We would. The same, this ship would sink so fast, you know? Oh, yeah. I like to use. And like I talked to other moms about, and I feel like every, you know, a lot of people understand that as like, if you're juggling, you can, it's like the whole like glass ball, bouncy ball kind of analogy where like, As a juggler, I can only keep so many balls up in the air. Something is inevitably going to drop because especially if you're wearing multiple hats and juggling. Multiple extracurricular activities and work and relationships and all the things you just have to. Prioritize. Which balls are gonna let drop. You want to let the bouncy balls drop, not the glass ball drops. So like, Last balls would be like, My relationship with you. Making sure to prioritize time with my kids, making sure that I'm. Taking care of myself that I'm going to the gym that, you know, um, Getting as good of rest as I can. You know, as a mum of two kind of ones. Those things are things that I can't let drop, because if I do let them drop, then let's consequences of that. Are are much more impactful. Right? Right. As opposed to the bouncy balls would be like, Just the kids getting a bath. If. Yeah. I mean, maybe. Not like a bath every day. We do need to bathe. Every day. I'm just saying like, if we get home late, They can get to sleep, you know, like something like that. Or like making sure that we have, like, I mean, for me and like everyone has different priorities for me. I don't necessarily. Feel obligated or like it's a priority for me to have like a home cooked meal on the table every night. Like some nights I just don't have the capacity and Brent doesn't have the capacity and we either order out or. We do, um, like some of those like meal prep companies and we, cause it's just, that's not a priority for me to have that home cooked meal, but I know other mom, friends where that is such a huge priority for them. They take so much pride in the fact that they. They're preparing the meal for their family every night and gathering, you know, their family together for that. So it just, everything is very individualized depending on your season and your family. And what is a priority to you? Um, but it's really just taking stock of. What are the glass walls? What are the bouncy balls? What can I let drop in the season? And what needs to. What do I need to fight tooth and nail to keep afloat, essentially. For me. Do you even have that mindset? I feel like you have to really go through having. Uh, like quality emotional control, I think because. Phew. You're just like lost in the whirlwind of life. You don't even have a capacity. It's even kind of look forward ahead far enough ahead to be like, okay, what are the bouncy balls? Um, I know that was one of the bigger lessons that I had learned for sure. After having Jackson. Was that, um, when it came to having. I believe I did have really, really good emotional control. Um, For our, to vaccine coming right. Um, There was almost nothing you could tell me that would upset me. Almost nothing. I would get angry at nothing. Um, And then Jackson came around. And there was whenever he was born. There was something about. I'm crying and me not being able to console him. That would just enrage me like the lack of control. Yeah. Lack of control. It was really, um, Eye opening. To Jeff, how upset I would get, um, over a baby crying. And it just exposed how. Well, you, I don't want to say emotionally frail, but how the dynamics. Of, um, me being able to manage my emotions, how much it had changed. I had no idea. Until that happened. So now I'm trying to manage. Um, Not only my own emotions, but trying to manage a baby where I don't know really what I'm doing, kind. Kind of winging it and then, you know, you're struggling. You know yourself. Uh, emotionally, and I'm trying to manage things on our end to try to help you out. And. It was a lot. I was incredibly overwhelmed. Let me tell a point where I started, I had to go see somebody, you know, like I wouldn't see a therapist and a good friend of mine. Uh, shout out Jason. Uh, we were fishing one day. And he just, uh, he just asked, he's like, man, how have things been. And I was like, I was like, man. It's been really tough. I've been really tired. Oh, my God. It's our dryer. Please all. We'll cut that out. Anyway. Before I was interrupted by the drawer. Normally, I would just go into a rage, but because I've done some self work, it's not a big deal. It's one of the bouncy balls. Yeah. Um, anyway, so we were fishing. He goes, man, have you. You know, how you been. And I was just like, man. I'm like, dude, I don't know. I've been having a hard time. A really hard time, like. Um, I was like, I just feel down all the time. Um, I was like, it's not like really bad. You know, but I was like, yeah. I was like, I just feel like I can't come up for air. And he was like, well, you know, they have a word for that. And I was like, okay. He goes, it's called depression. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm not like. Like I'm really not. And he goes, He goes. So there's multiple layers of depression. Like multiple, sometimes there's just a little bit. Sometimes. It's like people need like, Um, People need others to come into their life, to save them.'cause like, obviously you don't need that. You might be a little bit, but think about it. I was like, okay. So I'll start thinking about it. I'm like, okay. Maybe. So Jason's a therapist. So him saying that has there's some value behind it, right? Yeah. I'm way behind it, for sure. So I was like, okay. I've never gone see someone before. So let's. Let's do it. So I'll reach out. Uh, reached out to Jason, you recommended some people. I wouldn't see them. And. And it was helpful because I was in fact dealing with some things that I was not even aware of, which they exposed to me. So that was a really. Eyeopening thing, but, but having to learn to. The remanage the emotions. Um, Especially. You know, trying to lead our family and then not really know where our family is going. Like, cause. Everything's so new now. That was a big challenge for me, probably. I would say honestly, One of the hardest things of that adjustment was one of the hardest things I've probably ever had to go through. I would say it was really hard. And you said this before and it. I think that shift into parenthood, whether it's from zero to one or, you know, one to two or whatever, I think it's such a, has such a big impact on most people and they. There's such this period of adjustment because. Um, Suddenly your life is just so much greater. And there's, there's a lot more weight behind it. Like I know you've made the statement before that, like, Prior to even getting married, you know, it was just, you write all the in person you had to worry about was you. And then like, Then you and I, then you and I got together. And then whenever we got married, well, now there's this external circumstance that. That influences my emotions. Right when normally there is no external circumstance. It's just me. Right. So I control my emotions completely. But. With you, if something happens to you. My emotions are affected greatly. Right? So there's, there's extra risk there, you know? So there's this, there's this one external thing. That, that ha that can poke hole, not poke holes. That's probably not the best analogy, but there's this, there's this one external thing that has influence over my emotions now. Right, but you don't have control of. I don't have control over right. Then when we had kids. With that escalated exponentially. You know, um, now there's a Jackson. That has, um, who's a baby who relied on me. And you for everything. And. If something happens to him. Really affects my emotions. And then we had Marlow and I'm like, oh man. So it went from being. Fully controlled emotions. To now there's more external influences on my emotions. In there ever has been before and find a manage that. It's an adjustment. And it's like a ripple effect. Cause like, I mean, if something happens or something. What happened to Marlow or Jackson? Not only does it affect. That or not only does it affect Marlo, but then it also affects Jackson and me and you, and it's like this. So you have all of these compounding, like emotions that. You know, it's just part of being a family unit and having that love and that trust. And that goes both ways. And the fact that like, if it's not only a bad thing, but like, if something good happens in my life or good happens in our kid's life, then it positively in. It's really great ways for sure. But it definitely, I think. It all kind of stems back to lack of control. That you, that you hold on on something or at least for me anyway, like in the, the self discovery and the self analysis that I've done, it's like a lot of my. Anxiety a lot of my frustration. My, you know, Lack of emotional control when I blow up at the kids, it's because I have. I don't feel in control of a situation and it, and that's my outward expression of it. Yeah. For me, it's overstimulation. That's the harder, that's been the hardest adjustment for me. It's just like. It's just so much noise all the time. And that's been hard for me because even like, We'll be at the hunting camp for, uh, for duck season and, you know, November, December and there's college football on. And the guys of the camp used to give me a hard time because when the commercials would come on, I'd hit the mute button. So that we could actually talk, you know, But sometimes at the hunting camp, there's. The radio's on. And you were listening to the football game or watching the football game. And everyone's talking. That's it drives me crazy. So I'm like, guys, can we just pick one? Like, can we just watch the game? We can talk still. But can we just watch the game and not listen to the radio? Or sometimes the, some guys will come hunt with us and they're like, Hey, um, they want to turn on the radio and. I'm like, can we just sit out here and to just be quiet? Like it being quiet guys is okay. Like it's okay. But I'll just find out I'm a little bit more sensitive to that. Um, so whenever we're at home and everyone's like for easy town, Oh, you know, it's, it's really hard to manage. You can. And having kids, if you were in an overstimulating or allowed environment, like, okay, I'm just peace. I'm leaving now. Like. You can't tell that to your three-year-old. One year old and be like, okay, you guys spend for yourself. I'm going to go take, I mean, now. Uh, unless I'm home, obviously you can go take a walk and we do that sometimes, like, Brent and I have. Like we've gotten kind of into the system of. As much as possible, like we'll tap out and like sometimes, and we've done it where like, I'll walk up to him and I'll just be like, I have a tap out, I need five minutes and it's like, I can. I'll hand him, both the kids. And even if it's just on you to go walk outside. For five minutes to be able to just not have. Someone touching me or have any sound. I just need to be outside by myself like that. Sometimes all I need to just like reset. And it goes both ways. Like he'll do that with me too. Yeah, or I'll come home and I'm like, Hey, I had a really rough day. I don't have much capacity today. And then she just kinda knows. Okay, well, um, you gotta take more of the load. I'm going to take more of the load because Brent is just totally. He's coming home, worn down. Yeah. I think one of the lessons that we've learned is like, And we talked about this kind of in our first opening podcast is the importance of communication and like, I feel like that's just compounded exponentially. When you have children, like you have to over-communicate with your partner, like. Yeah, exactly. This is what I'm feeling. This is what I'm struggling with. I cannot help you. Or I had a bad day and I need. Like I can't take the load today to manage the kids. Um, or what mean, whatever it is, this is what the plan for the day is because there's just so many more people. There's so many more moving parts that if you don't communicate. Inevitably. I was going to get. Yeah. That's exactly. It could be a big ball for sure. But yeah, I'm with you on that. I think. Um, I think probably important to over-communicate. Um, I have to do that in. In the, um, Area of work that I'm in. Which is, you know, business development sales. I over-communicate anyway, because if we're talking with clients about projects, I don't, I don't want anyone to assume anything. I'm like, we're going to talk it out step by step. That we will all on the same page. I don't want to assume that you you've got this handled. And then at the same time, you're assuming that I've got this handled. I think at the end of the day, if we just talk it through step-by-step. Then, um, every, everyone knows who's accountable for what. And I think that that can be applied at home too. You know, I don't think it's fair to make assumptions because if something gets missed, it just causes frustration. Yes. Because where are you already out? If you're already a little stressed out. It's hard to just take a step back and be like, okay. He, you know, I thought he was going to do this. He thought I was going to do that. It's okay. Most of the time, you're like, you know what? I'm going to punch you in your face. If you look at me the wrong way again. We were talking about this and the fact that like, You even said this before that, you know, You don't you think you're a patient person until your patients? And tested is tested and that's exactly. I think what happens. Um, you know, when we get frustrated or just in parenting in general, when you're overstimulated and you're tired and you have all of the valid reasons to be frustrated. That's when your true. The true amount of patients is tested. Sure. And yeah. I mean, like they've always, they always say that, you know, you'll pray to God for patients and he's not going to necessarily give you patients. He's going to give you opportunities to be patient. Say okay. Here you go. Let's like, let's see if it lets. Practice your patients essentially. And if, and if you fail at that, it's okay. But I think you have to be intellectually honest with yourself. I know that, um, like be like, okay, well it's not that okay. This didn't, I didn't react well to this. It's why didn't I react. Because the why is way more important than the, what. Right. Wow. So why did I react badly to this? Am I from a hungry? I'm a tar. Am I anxious already. Am I already overstimulated? And once you can kind of identify that, then you can say, okay, if I'm already anxious, Then I need to be aware of that. That way when the next stimulus comes. That I can catch myself before. Lashing out. You know, because once you're lashing out, you're out of control and you gotta make sure that we want to operate within a. Um, it's myself. So. Like therapists. Theo, but you want to operate within a healthy boundaries. You know what I mean? I know, I think a lot of trendy. I'm not a Reddit and on. Wikipedia. Or something. I don't know. So true. I actually had this incident. A few weeks ago with Jackson where, um, like he went, Jackson recently started. Um, doing some. Is it more Thai or. Jujitsu. Sure. Okay. I always get it wrong. Okay. JetSuite at this local gym called sidekicks and he's um, so Jackson is three and a half. So they have like a three to four year, um, sense of he's the youngest, one of the younger ones in the class, and this is the first really like afterschool quote unquote extracurricular activity that he's. He's doing. A little 30 minute class, twice a week. And he's just started and he's been doing well, like he's, Jackson's kind of shy, you know, he has. Um, It takes them a little while I think, to adjust to new situations. And, um, but you know, he's been surprising us the first, probably two weeks of class. Like he was pumped, we got him. You know, we really got like, We jacked him up all day. Got him super excited about like learning superhero moves at his class and try to make it relatable for him. And he did such a good job for like the first two weeks. And then. Let's start at the third week. He just kind of had a meltdown moment where he just. Woke up from his afternoon nap and was having a, I guess a tough day and a bad day. And. He went to his class and just refused. To go refuse to go in was very clingy and like. Literally climbing all over Brent and I, and I kept saying like, I'm scared. I don't want to, we were really trying to be patient. Um, and. No matter what we tried, whether it was. Okay, we'll go walk you over to the coach. You know, we try to, like, I even went into the class to go do some of the moves with him. Much to my, um, I guess a little bit embarrassment. I kind of walk, I planned on just walking him over to bring him to the coach. And the coach was like, oh Lindsay, why don't you join us? Maybe that'll help Jackson be work. So there, I am trying to do it and it still didn't help the situation. And you guys, I got. So hot, like I got so angry about it and that I didn't. I didn't lash out. I didn't say anything to Jackson, but like, I mean, Brent could see it. Like it was, it was. I think everyone around me could read this. That I was like fuming about it. Um, I just got very. You know, Overly pissed off about a, not. About a situation that wasn't big, right. And so I'm sitting there cause we made him sit and just watch his classmates. Like we didn't leave. It was like, okay, you don't have to go, but you do have to sit and watch the class. And so I'm sitting there and I'm holding him on my lap. And I'm just. Analyzing. And just sitting there and like kind of letting my mind like mull over. Why did I get so angry about this? Why was I so upset about such a small thing? And really, and I think you were doing the same thing too, because you got frustrated, but you kind of were processing a little bit faster than it is processing. Remember watching you walk off the mats back towards where all the parents were sitting. And I remember like it. Like it was put on my heart, what it was, you know? And I felt like you were taking it personally. Now see, well, maybe I was maybe taking it personally from Jackson. For me, part of it was. Maybe that's why you got frustrated at first, but for me, I got frustrated and, or what I came up with, like in my self analysis was that I got embarrassed. You. Got embarrassed by. How it looks. To the other parents and how like the situation looked at. I took it as in like, well, this makes me a bad parent or the other parents are going to judge or judge us and think that. So we took it personally. Like this, not. But like, not personally, I guess, I guess I. That's right. But more of like you made it. I made it about me. You ended up making it about you, your fair enough. That's exactly what take it personal. Yeah. You made, you made it about you. Whenever it wasn't a, it wasn't a value which everybody does, right. It wasn't about you. That situation was about him. And there was something off where he was really uncomfortable. And because of his age, he didn't have the capacity to just really come through, overcome it and get through it. To verbalize what was going on all. All he kept all he understood was. I don't feel comfortable. I'm scared, I'm nervous. I don't want to do it. And that's all he has the capacity to really verbalize, verbalize to us. At this age and developmental stage, but. I do find that that's a big. It was a big learning moment for me, where I had to just essentially like sit there and like sit with my frustration and really analyze like, Wow. I still have to work on this. Like, you know, you, you do, you have parenting wins along the way, and you're like, man, I'm growing so much as a parent, as a person and I'm really rocking it. And then something like this, like. Knocks you down a few pegs and humbles you and makes you realize that like, oh, okay. I still have more, not more. I need to work on and learn about this and that's gonna, it's gonna keep happening. Like, there's gonna be moments like that. But. I was also proud of myself and the fact that like, I, I didn't even, I got frustrated. Like I, I worked through it. But I like. I learned from it in that moment, I guess. Yeah. I think it's good to have. The areas that you need to work exposed. Every now, and then not just you, I'm talking about you in general. Um, Uh, that was definitely one where I feel like I had. I think I had done a little bit more work in that area. Prior to that event because it really didn't upset me that much. Like in my head, I was just like, okay. No problem. You know, so I didn't write, get that upset. The only thing that like annoyed me was like how he, how he was like climbing up me. And I was like, oh my gosh, you'd have to get off of me. Like, it's just too much, like. That's too much. But I said, okay, well then here's what we're going to do. We're going to sit here and we're going to watch your friends. We're going to watch them train. And then when they go play Dodge ball, Um, after, after class, we're going to leave, you know, And that's what we did. And we just sat there and watched, and he asked to leave a few times and we said, absolutely not. Um, you know, we committed to coming to this class, you know, you said you want to do it. So we're going to sit here. Uh, we're going to show up for every class, you know, even if you sit here or. Are you participate? That I'm that. We did kind of have a discussion. The fact that, you know, this situation is a little unique in the fact that Jackson is, is young. Right? So we talked about just to kind of remind you that. We said that if multiple classes happened like that, Especially, we're probably going to pull them because this was a scenario where Jackson, it's not like Jackson came to us and said, Hey, I want to sign up for this. That would, I feel like, be different in the fact that like we chose to try to put him in this. We did, but he also, we would go to the gym to go do other things. And he was like, I want to do that. I want to do that. So that's where we're like, okay, that's true. I did have that in mind prior. But it was, it was just confirmation that he was like, yeah, I kind of want to do that. Right. I don't know if I hear what you're saying. I don't know if developmentally he has the capacity to truly understand. Like. What he like what he's saying in that. Standpoint, as opposed to like Britain, I've had conversations about like, as Jackson gets older, like when he's like seven or eight, like if he would come up to us and say, Hey, I want to play baseball this year. Like if he approaches us and he asked to do that, and let's say he gets a few games in. And he doesn't like it. Like, no, you, you wanted to do this. You committed to it. You're finishing it out. And then at the end of the season, you don't have to do it again. Yeah, but. This situation now, thankfully like spoiler alert. The next few classes he's been to, he's been fine. He's been he's. He hasn't had another moment. It really truly was just a bad day. I looked like. He's allowed to have an off day I have off days you have off days. Never. No, no, no. And so he's allowed to have a bad day. And so that was another thing that like I had to kind of sit with is like, okay, like he doesn't have to be. This like, again, he's not a robot, he's not going to perform at the highest level and hit all his marks and do everything perfect every time. And that's not a reasonable. Thing for us to expect of him. You know, only thing we should expect for him is to be honest with us and to try hard. And those are, he was being honest with us that day and saying, I I'm scared and I don't, I don't want to go. And I'm not having a good day to in. And I personally struggled with that honesty in that moment. And so it's something that like I learned from, and I'm moving forward. Hopefully we'll handle it when that situation in Natalie does present itself. Again, we'll hopefully handle it, but it really is like the, the lacquer taking things personally. Like I know there's been other situations like. We've talked about, like as the kids. You know, If they. Talk back or things like that. A lot of times, like I have a hard time. Like if Jackson will tell me no, I've I asked him to do something and he says, no, Like everything in me, instinctually is like, I am in charge. Like I go from like zero to like a thousand where it's like, I'm in charge. You are going to listen to me. And I go into like, almost like attack defensive mode of like proving my superiority to this three year old, which is like super comical to say out. But it really is like a hard instinctual thing. To combat and have that emotional regulation to realize that that's what's happening. And they're not because he's not attacking me personally. He's really just doing what he's supposed to do developmentally and learning, pushing his boundaries, learning. His independence, learning that he has a voice and trying to figure out and use that voice. In different situations. I can remember a specific instance where I was getting ready. To leave to go to men's group. Um, Jackson was probably. Two and a half, maybe for this might've been like a year ago or so. And, um, Whenever I was getting ready to leave. Uh, I was like, all right, Jackson, we were in his room and I was like, let's pick up your toys. And he was just like standing there looking at me. So I was like, I kinda got down on his level. I'm like, Hey dude. Pick up your toys. Daddy has to go. You know, pick up your toys. And then he was like, he was just like standing there looking at me, like almost as if. He was like, no, you know, like, like being defiant. And I said, oh, So I'll first time I was like, you will pick up your toys now. And then he just like, all he did was he just like bawled over and started crying. And I was like, Thinking about it. And I was like, oh man. And then I think you were in the room and you looked at him and you were like, you're like too much, too much. I think I said, I'll have it. And then I pulled you up. And I said that that instance you just looked at and you're like, you're like too much, too much. I was like, okay. So what. So I grabbed Jackson and I'll put him, uh, sat down on the floor and I'll put him in my life. And I was just holding him for a little bit and I was just telling him, I was like, buddy, I'm so sorry. Like. That daddy was a little bit too rough. You know, I'm sorry for that. And that's part of me having to learn. What the. What my boundaries are when I'm dealing with him, because he's such a. Hein hearted kid. That I can't. I'm not, I don't, I I'm not, I'm not going to have the capacity to be rough on him. Because he's not going to take it well, you know, especially at two and a half years old, you know, Um, so I apologize to him and I just remember thinking to myself, like, The only reason. Not that way was because I'm in a rush. I'm getting ready to leave. And he needed whenever I told him to pick up his top, his toys. I didn't even give him time. The process, what I was even saying. So whenever he didn't do it right away. Let's set it again. So then again, he starts over processing, like, okay, well, what is he telling me? And then whenever she didn't respond right away again, I got upset because I felt like this two year old was telling me no. When, when in reality, I should have just sat there. Quiet. And then he'd probably just did it. You know, so that was a good opportunity for me to learn like, Not personal brand. Like you're taking it personally and you're trying to assert dominance. When it's not necessary. You know, but I just, that's part of it. That's been part of my journey of softening my heart. Like once you have kids to soften your heart. a little bit. And you can't deal with them like adults. You know what I mean? You have to really, you're not many adults. Oh, you have to be. So there are literally developmentally like there, even though they look like mini adults developmentally, they don't have the capacity to understand. What half of what we're trying to tell them to do. And I'll have to go so slow with them. And that's something that I've learned. Like that's why sometimes, like whenever we're telling to do. things, If you'll say something, I'll just kind of like put my hand on your shoulder and be like, hang on, hang on. Um, like I can tell that he's like trying to figure out like that. The pieces just aren't connecting for some reason, you know? And he just needs a little time to think about it. So I've learned I've had to speak slower to him. I've had to just be a lot calmer. Because the second that I get. Uh, I'm gonna use the word excited. Anytime I start to get anxious or anything like that. He shuts down immediately. Yeah. So I know I can't, I can't communicate to him that way. Because he's just going to shut down and then we're all frustrated. Well, a lot of adults are like that too. Like if you go into something and you go into a confrontation or a situation with an adult and you're from it at like, kind of. What a hundred and you're hot and heavy and excited. And you're talking loud then. Half the time they don't hear what you're really trying to say. They're just reacting to how you're saying it. Right. And it's the same thing with him. Like he's reacting. In, in sadness and fear. If you're yelling, he's just reacting to how you're saying it. Not processing it all, what you're saying, but. How you made a good point that I want to kind of circle back to you in the fact that you said. Like in that situation where. You know, you lost your temper. I came in and told you like, Hey, that was too much. Like, that's another thing we had to learn. I think in parenting in general is truly trusting your partner. When it that. Sometimes they're coming in with like fresh eyes in a situation and they're going to be like, they may pull you out and say like, Hey, listen. You're like, Respectfully, you're not handling this well, I'm going to take over. And that's a hard thing because like, Got it. It's always taking it. personally with your, with your spouse or with your. your. co-parent or whoever, you know, whatever the situation is. But like in our, like there's been situations where Brent, he even said it a few minutes ago where he'll tell me like, Hey, I'll handle this. Or, Hey, why don't you go step outside for a second? I'm going to take over because he can either. Here to my voice or see it in my body language or. He just knows me to know that. I am getting like, Amped up in a situation and I'm not handling it well, or I'm about to not handle the situation. Well, and so, and I do the same thing for him. And that's a hard pill to swallow because then. Like, I'll be honest. Like you'll call me out on situations. And even if you do it. Highly, right. Like, even if you do it. softly and you do it respectfully and you say, listen, I need you to step out. Like I have to remove myself. And then I have to kind of, you have to sit in that and that's not comfortable. It's like embarrassing. Like, oh man. I lost my cool. And I shouldn't have. And so you have to like, it's a. You have to be very vulnerable and trusting with your partner. That. In the moments where maybe you're, you are not like when you're losing it and you're not being a good parent in that situation, that when they step in and say, Hey, let me take over. It's out. It's coming out of place of love. And. They were a team. And. so this is my time to tap in and you need to take a moment to step out. Assuming that you know, that that's true because like I know dealing with you. That if you're like, Hey, um, I'll take, I got this. Or like, Hey, I'll take care of this. Or, Hey launch, you watch take a break. I know that you're not doing that. Trying to say, man, you suck right. I know you're, you're saying that because you're just like, Hey, I'm, I'm observing something. That just could be better. You know, so I just know I have to step back. Um, and then get back to okay. Why did she step in. What is it? It's not because she, it's not because she's trying to dominate me or anything like that, or trying to are trying to say that I'm not good at this. Right. It's just. just. that she's observing something that maybe I'm not aware of. That, um, That just could be better. Um, And I know that happens. More often I'll find for us whenever. Like. When you and I are both trying to deal with Jackson at the same time or mortal at the same time, but I'm going to say specifically Jackson, cause that's where it happens more often. We're like, we're both trying to do something like tell him to do things. And I know for him. That's just too much, like this is. It's essentially two, two on one. You know, and it's just too overwhelming for him. So that's why a lot of times, if I'm right next to them, I'll be like, Hey, I got it. Like, I'll take care of this. And then I'll walk him through, okay. this. is what we're going to do. You know, that kind of thing, because whenever there's two parents trying to talk to that one child. That's uh, that's I'll rate. It's really intimidating for them. And it's probably like a lot for them. to have to process and their poor little minds, you know, but. but. I mean, it, like you said, it does go back to. So understanding the team. the team. mentality that we talk about where you and I are, the team captains, and sometimes. You got to drive the car. and sometimes. I got to drive the car. And most of the time we're driving it together. And in the roles that, that we have, like maybe. You know, analogy you're, you're looking at the map telling me where to go and I'm the one driving it or vice versa or whatever that is, you know? End of the day we, wherever we go, we got to get there together. You know, but. but. having that trust with the PA between parents. Um, That's it. It's really important to keeping. Uh, keeping. peace in the home. Setting the temperature in the home. You know, so, um, And I would say that's probably one of the hardest things, not taking direction. Personally. Um, which I mean, I don't find that we do often. But I do sometimes. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You could do this better than me, Lindsey. Yeah. And I sit back and I'm like, oh yeah, It's for sure. Like, like, uh, I helped me and Brian talked. Uh, on our podcast, not too long ago, about the killing of the self, it's not about me. It's not always about me. I'll try not to. We try not to. make it about us at all, but. Um, whenever you can kind of have that. Um, perspective. That's not about me. And you can remember that you'll catch yourself in a lot of moments being like, okay, it's not about me. What. Why am I feeling this way? So it really is like, I feel like parenting and we say it all the time. Like I've learned more about myself and I've grown more personally in the last three years. Of being a mother. Then in the, you know, I wanted to have a kid. 30 years prior, you know, like it really is. It will expose. Like the deepest parts of you that you were able to successfully maybe like hover with destruction and, you know, All the fun things in life when it was just, you. But then, I mean, you, they will force you. They will put in mirror to you. And like really bring it to light. They will expose any gaps in your character, for sure. That's a better way to put it. Without a doubt. Without well, that's us. That's all part of that emotional control learning that, you know, that's all. that's all. that that is. Uh, I've, I've heard some times where some couples are like, well, let's, let's just have another baby. And that'll that'll fix everything. Oh. And I'm like, Oh. man, it's just going to further are people who are like having struggling in their marriage early. They're like, well, if we have a baby things will just get better. That's just going to overly complicate and expose everything that you guys haven't dealt with already, you know? Yes. It makes that makes things really complicated, but that's the blessing of children is that. Um, And not only do they bring so much value. To you by just learning to love differently. You know, but they also, I mean, they also build your character because they exposed the weaknesses in your character. And you have to be, you have to have the responsibility. Uh, in the frame of mind to be like, I'm going to work on this for them. And it literally makes you a better person. A lot of times people they're not willing, like I know this about myself, like. I wasn't willing necessarily to do like. dig, dig through and Wade through all those dirty. Like. Yucky things that I just, I just didn't want to deal with it, but as they came to the surface, In the process of parenting. I have more motivation to tackle those things head on so I can be a better mom. Because it's not about me, it's about them. And I have to bring my best self. To this situation. For them. Yup. So I do. Like, I always say being a mother or I guess being a parent is. The hardest thing you will ever love. Because it it's so tough, but it's so rewarding. In the process. And hope the whole process. of it is. Outrageously difficult. And somebody wants that. I don't know who it was, but I'm sure it was like, I don't know whoever. But they said I was going, I was going to make a joke and say, I'm going to say, Abraham Lincoln once said this whenever he never did. Every handle Lincoln once said, um, nothing worth having sounds without some sort of struggle. He never said it, but somebody said it and it, and it's true. it's true. And, uh, um, you know, raising. Good quality humans. It's tough, but I think the best way to do it. Is to look in the mirror and start with yourself. Oh, that's some wisdom bay Mike drop on that really well done. Well done. That was good. There's a few things I know in life. Every now and then I'll get something right. Okay. Well, actually I just got the text message that my mother is heading over with both of our children. So we are on that note of. Some words of. wisdom from Brent. We're gonna, we're gonna wrap this up, but, um, thank you guys for tuning in. This has been another episode of the good years. Um, We're definitely, uh, we're going to keep cranking these out. We usually will be dropping episodes every other week. Um, be sure to follow us on Instagram. We're at the good underscore years. Um, give us a follow, make sure to share our content helps spread the word. Um, if you like the podcast on apple and. Uh, iTunes and whatnot. All of that's very helpful. Oh, yeah, you can give us a rating. I think they have like, That's where I give us a five star rating. Five star rating and review. That helps us. I appreciate it. Okay. You guys. All right, bye.