The Good-Years
Husband and wife duo committed to navigating the ups and downs of parenting, marriage, faith and family alongside you. We don't pretend to have all the answers, but what we DO have is a desire for asking hard questions, deep conversation and genuine connection. We are tired of being "tired" and going through life on autopilot- disconnected and disengaged leads to discontentment. Let's commit to living a life awakened.
So here's to authenticity, here's to growth, and here's to embracing The Good Years!
The Good-Years
Episode 007- B+L : "Fight the Good Fight"
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If you've been in any form of relationship for any amount of time you likely know that disagreements are inevitable (and often a necessary evil) when learning how to do life with another person. There's no sugar coating it- fighting SUCKS and can bring out the WORST versions of us if we're not careful... but what if you could learn a better way to argue? To be more effective in your communication? To better explain YOUR side and listen to THEIRS?
Welp, you've come to the right place friends! Today's episode is all about "Fighting the Good Fight" and Brent and Lindsey leave no stone unturned as they discuss tips, tricks, and lessons learned in arguing EFFECTIVELY (after all- we have almost 10 years experience in the matter).
Tune in, be sure to share with your S.O. (and a friend or two!) and don't forget to leave a review!
Here's to the Good-years, yall,
-B+L
We are Brent and Lindsey Goodyear, husband and wife duo, here to share our unfiltered thoughts on marriage, parenting, faith, family, and everything in between.
Brent:We promise to ask the hard questions and share perspective as we navigate life in all its unexpected curveball filled glory.
Lindsey:So here's the authenticity, here's to growth, and here's to embracing the Goodyears. And cut! Yes! Masterpiece! Slammed
it!
Lindsey:This podcast is sponsored by Great Harvest Bread Company. Oh yes, oh my gosh, their Bayou Bars are the best. I mean, you guys, just picture this like ooey gooey oatmeal bar topped with fruit. It is like the most decadent indulgence, I think, in town. I know, I get them for clients probably a couple of times a week and they go crazy when I bring them in. It pulls them all out of their offices. They love them. Um, and as a bread and carb expert, I can tell you that they have the best fresh baked bread in Lafayette. I'm telling you, it's so good. Um, for every holiday, I'm in charge of bringing the bread because again, I am an expert and I get the potato rolls. I'll get whatever, 20, 30 of them, put them in the oven. Uh, whenever we get where we got to go and, uh, whenever we pull them out, they're gone in no time, they're so good. And, uh, I gotta say, uh, great harvest is owned by probably the most handsome man in Lafayette, Mr. Brian Malonso. He is a stud. So if you, So seriously, on a real note, the people there that work there, they are so kind and so warm and so welcoming when you come in, they really treat you like you're, I mean, just so important as a customer and everything you'd expect from like a, a warm and cozy bakery, like local bakery kind of vibe. So, um, you guys be sure to check them out. Um, if you're local in the area, we highly, highly recommend them. Yep. 854 College Saloon Road in Lafayette. That's it. Tell them we sent you. Yep. The good years. Okay. All right, you guys. So welcome to another episode of the good years. Um, this is Brent and Lindsey and we're here, um,
Brent:with better sound equipment.
Lindsey:We are, I know.
Brent:Thanks for the feedback. That's right.
Lindsey:We've been getting some feedback from you guys that while you're liking the content that we've been putting out, that the sound quality has been relatively subpar. So it's been a work in progress, but we've,
Brent:we're back, baby. Yeah, we've
Lindsey:leveled up slightly and hopefully like fingers crossed moving forward, things will be better, but you guys kind of just bear with us as we're
Brent:Figuring it out,
Lindsey:figuring it out, but Hey, you know, we're at least doing the damn thing. Even if it's not perfect, it's out there and people are listening. And
Brent:you're nice to look at. So I'm in, get to stare at you for an hour.
Lindsey:They can't really see me on a podcast, but.
Brent:She's a shawty if you can't see her, she's a shawty.
Lindsey:Thanks babe. Um, okay. Anyway, so today we're going to talk about, Um, I guess like disagreements or fighting, um, in relationship, which, you know, I put a poll up on our, on our social media, if you don't follow us, we're at the good underscore years. Um, basically like talking about a few different topics that Brent and I were like going back and forth on maybe discussing today. And like the vast majority of you voted for how to like essentially like have a disagreement and how to do it well in life. in a marriage or I guess just in a relationship in general, which I can, I actually wasn't surprised to see that number. Um, cause I feel like everyone struggles with that. I mean, everyone at some point in a relationship, you're going to disagree on something. Um, so I really wasn't surprised by it. I feel like we argue pretty. Well, I guess you're going to
Brent:say a lot. I was like, I don't think so at all. We almost never argue,
Lindsey:but
Brent:we make it count, you know,
Lindsey:no. Yeah.
Brent:Are you, I don't even like to call it arguing. I like to, like, I use the same terminology that I use I'm essentially in relationship with them, um, our partners with them. Same thing that I am with you. Right. So I don't even like to call it an argument because when you call it arguments, um, there's already, it's already contentious, right. Or
Lindsey:it puts like a negative connotation on it, like from the jump.
Brent:Yeah. And I feel like if you just say, look, we're just having a conversation. I feel like it kind of like puts all the walls down because for example, like one of our neighbors, um, they, had requested that our dogs stop pooping in their field. They have like this giant field next to our house. And, um, anyway, they just asked that, that our dogs stop pooping in the field. So I was like, yeah, no problem. Well, they found some dog poop not long after that in their field. And she confronted me and she was like, I thought I told you that, um, Your dogs have to stop pooping in our field, you know, and, and I said, hang on, hang on. Let's just have a conversation. Like, let's just talk. And the, the second I said that, she calmed down like right away. Like she was, well, she was ready. She was ready for battle. All right. And if you know something about older people, they don't care no more. Right. They don't care. She was, she was ready to get me. All right. And whenever it's like, look, let's just have a conversation. We're just talking, right? That's something I say a lot. We're just talking, right? We're just talking. And then they agree. And then next, like everyone kind of chills out. But, um, at that point I was able to kind of talk to her and say, Hey, look. I'm keeping my word. I gave you my word that our dogs would not use the bathroom in your field anymore. Um, however, there's other people who walk in our neighborhood with dogs and their dogs, I've noticed have been going out onto y'all's property. So I'm keeping my word. I just can't control the other people. And then she was like, okay, but he disarmed her right away when I was like, look, let's just have a conversation. Gosh, you're so much
Lindsey:better at it than I am. Cause like, I am like, all right, hold my earrings. We're going to go at it. Like I'll go toe to toe. If you're going to start up at a hundred, I'm going to meet you at a hundred, which is. Not the right way. I could have
Brent:easily chosen that route. And we could have hollered and screamed at each other. And then guess what? They'd have been like, Hey, um, this, this field that y'all use to let your dogs run in no more. You know what I mean? So I didn't, and then it would have just been like, I wouldn't have felt good about it. It's not the right thing to do, you know? So the idea would be to, to make peace as, as good as possible. You know, so typically things that I've used is like, Hey, we're just having a conversation. Right. And you get them to agree with you. And then they're like, yeah, yeah, we're just having a conversation. Or you just say, look, we're just talking, right. You know, are you, sometimes what I, what I've used on a customer once, which kind of embarrassed them was they were like really worked up. Cause things just weren't going well for our project a while back and they were really worked up and they were kind of hollering. And I'm like, I'm like, I look, I'll start looking around, like, confused, you know, on purpose. And I'm like, you're the only one yelling. Why are you yelling? You don't, you're the only one over here screaming. And they were like, they were like, you right. I'm the only one hollering. And I was like, yeah, I was like, we're just talking. Why are you screaming? Nobody else is hollering. I
Lindsey:don't know if I would recommend Ever using that phrase with me in a marriage. Use that on your wife. You're the only
Brent:one hollering. And then, and then you say, calm down.
Lindsey:Oh my God. That's literally equivalent to you being like, babe, calm down. Like,
Brent:calm your tits.
Lindsey:Okay. Maybe we'll edit that last one out. There's adults listening to this. I do not recommend using. In a marriage, maybe in a, maybe in a business conversation, you can use that last phrase, not calm your tits, but the other one where it's like, you're the only one yelling. I do not recommend reusing that in a marriage. Like I feel like if you would tell me that I would literally just like ramp it up. Like you want to see yelling. Like I could totally, anyway, we're getting, we're getting very off track. We started with like a poop story and we were already derailed from the
Brent:It had to do with communication a little bit. Okay. No, but I mean, it's true. I agree with what
Lindsey:you're saying. Like the first point we made. You got to set the tone,
Brent:set the tone early. And that setting that tone early is this is just a conversation. That's true. Okay.
Lindsey:That's the basis of the point. Is that like, this is just a conversation. It's not an, it's not a fight. We're not like going to an argument. Right. You know, even though that
Brent:might be what it is, you can't label it as that, even though in your head, you're like, okay, we're arguing, you know? But if you set it as a conversation, it tones everything down and it allows you to, it just allows, um, calmer, calmer spirits to be able to communicate a little better. I
Lindsey:think it's a good way to like, to, to start it. And then I, I do want to say, like, I feel like you and I, when we do have disagreements. we'll put it like passionate conversations. Um, we do it overall pretty well. Um, I will say though that it hasn't always been that way. Like we've, it's something that we've gotten better at as we've been in relationship. Like when you and I first started dating, you know, when, when we would have a disagreement, like I didn't, we didn't know each other well enough at the time to, to know how to, how to argue effectively or like to know, to know what your triggers were, what really like, what like shut you down in conversation, what shut me down in conversation. Like you have to learn those things. And I feel like the more that you actually do, the longer you're with someone, the more difficult conversations you have, the more disagreements that you have, you start to learn how to have those disagreements and how to have them effectively with your specific person because it's different with everyone. Right. So like, I can remember there were arguments when we first, you know, started dating or even when we first were married, we're like, I was, I was hollering, like raising my voice and like getting very frustrated and worked up. And I can remember those kinds of things happening. But like, as we've gotten farther along in this journey, I've learned that that's just not an effective one. It's not an effective strategy, period. But like, we've learned, you almost have to kind of practice it, which I know sounds super, super. Like you don't want, like, that's literally like us being like, Hey, practice art, like pick, I'm not saying to pick fights with your, with your spouse, but I feel like inevitably you, you're going to butt heads with your significant other at some point. And the more often that that happens and the more often that you lean into those hard conversations and, and try to learn from them afterwards, like, okay, what did we do well in that one? What did we do not so well in that one? Okay. Um, in that discussion, you know, then you start to kind of piece it together, just like you do with anything else.
Brent:Yeah. Fellas, if you're looking for an opportunity to practice, um, having a tough conversation with your wife, come home late from fishing. Oh boy. You'll get an opportunity there. If the fish, you know how they get, you know how it is. Whenever the fish are biting, you can't just leave. So just, you just come home a little late and then you get all the practice you can handle.
Lindsey:Brent is referencing a story where I got very, I got very upset about him showing up at the house like five hours after he told me he was going to from a fishing trip with his friend. And it wasn't my, my most bright and shiny moment as a wife.
Brent:When she's waiting for you outside, it's on bro. We will pull it up into the neighborhood. I'm driving to the cul de sac and I just see her sitting on the swing outside. I told, I told my buddy, I'm like, Oh boy. I was like, Oh man, here we go.
Lindsey:Oh yeah. It was not my best moment in learning how to argue, but I learned from it. I, you learned, we learned how to prevent things like that from happening again, because it, it was not, it was, it was a little trailer parky. I'll be honest. It was,
Brent:that is an understatement. It
Lindsey:was rough. I got, I got. I got very upset, but anyway, so it's going to, it's something that, you know, I feel like as you, as you learn each other, you know, you circle back after a discussion, you say, Hey, obviously not right away because, you know, give it a day or so, but like, Hey, look, I noticed that when we were talking, you know, how could I have approached that better for you? Right. And approaching it that way. And the same thing with you, like, Hey, how could I have done this differently that maybe you would have received it.
Brent:So, um, I know at least when Lindsey's at a point where I can like approach her to have a difficult conversation. And I really feel like you, you know, that about me, right. Whenever, whenever Brent's probably ready or sometimes like if you're ready to have a tough conversation with me, there's times where I'll be like, listen, I am to know I'm in no capacity to have that right now because, you The goal at the end of the day is to get through the conversation where there's understanding on both sides, um, without too much emotion getting involved where, um, conversation breaks down, right? So there's some times where I'm like, man, I'm, there's no way I can have this conversation right now. I'm, I'm so pissed, you know? Um, so can we just put it off or whatever that would be? But it's understanding those boundaries to start that way, um, are setting those boundaries to start that way. Whenever a conversation does start. It's, it's starting in the best, a tough conversation starts. It can start in the best capacity possible.
Lindsey:That makes sense. And I think again, that's something that we've learned. Like I know in the beginning of our relationship, like there were times that look, we would be in the middle of a discussion and you'd be telling me like, look, I am not, you would be trying to like, to shut it down. And I would be like, no, I want to be like, we're ripping off the bandaid. We're doing this now. And I'd be forcing it. And then it would take, because I would be forcing the conversation because in my mind, I was like, no, no, no, we're here. We're going to knock it out while it's in front of us. Let's just get it done. But you were trying to back away because you weren't in a good place. Then like, like you said, it's like, we're, we're already starting at a very heated, heated. in a very heated, like emotional place where we're not able to fully like process and understand what the other person is trying to say. Now, like I did this the other day with you, we're like, I was very frustrated about something you and I were disagreeing about. I don't even remember what it was at the time, but I basically just flat out asked you like, Hey, I want to talk about this. Are you in a place that we can talk about it now? And you said, no, I really am not in a space that we can talk about it. And I said, okay. Okay. And so then I dropped it. And so, but I will say this, like there's a little like asterisk there and the fact that like, I'm not saying like you keep dropping it and like kicking the can down the road for weeks and weeks until it's just swept under the rug because that is not effective either. Like usually what we will do is even if, if we have to drop it one way or the other, like, Hey, I'm just not in a place, like I'm crying, I'm emotional or you're just pissed or however it is within 24, 48 hours, We're bringing it back to the table. Like we're, it's not something where it's like we push it off for long. It still needs to be addressed. We still need to lean into the hard conversation. We still have to rip off the band aid and have it. We just allow each other the space to To whether it's get our, get our emotions in check, get our thoughts in order and be able to like, okay, let's come back 24, 48 hours later. And it really, honestly, like, you know, the whole like, don't go to bed angry. It kind of like debunks that where it's like some situations. Yes. You know, there, it can be discussed within the same day. And then sometimes there have been times where like,
Brent:We went to bed angry.
Lindsey:We went to bed piss. Like, I mean, like I'm rolling over and I'm like under my breath, breath being like, I love you. Good night. Like super snooty about it. And just snoring.
Brent:And you just kicked me a little harder than normal
Lindsey:to wake
Brent:me up and you're snoring.
Lindsey:Right. But it actually kind of helps because it allows me like the next morning. It's like, I've had a little bit of time for like, to kind of decompress, get my thoughts in order to where like, I'm actually able to approach Brent from less of like. this like emotional turbulence, which then I feel like you receive it better. Cause if I come at you and I'm like already crying and emotional, like I've know you well enough that like you're, you've already Not like shut me out, but you're already like coming at it where you're like, okay, well I'm really not like listening fully to what you're saying. You don't have my full attention because I'm so distracted by all of the emotions that are just swirling around you.
Brent:My brain, which is probably like most men, it's very logical, right? So whenever, whenever you're already like crying and really upset, there's already too much emotion. To me, to have a con, a conducive conversation, right. Where I'm trying to sit back and be like, okay, let me analyze, you know, what happened, you know, and there's, there's always things I can do better. Like something I recently learned would be to like, whenever we go a tool that I could say that I can use just to really get a better understanding of, of your side of things is saying something like, um, Help me understand dot, dot, dot. Right. Which is help me understand your side because there's always in any argument or any, anything you ever hear, right? There's always what you hear. There's always his side, her side. And in the middle, there's the truth somewhere, right? So I can't just come from my side and try to bludgeon you to death with logic from my side without hearing yours first. Right. So I need to really understand. I need to come to you and say, Hey, babe, Help me understand, um, like what you saw or what you were trying to say or what you were trying to communicate. And then from there I can understand your side and then I can see the areas that I missed that maybe cause some confusion and that sort of thing, you know, but that's something that, um, again, I use for work, you know, but it's, it's just, it's just dealing with people in general, you know, help me understand your side and then, you know, I'll help you. Then you have to be open to letting me express mine and then we together can come together to figure out the, that middle ground, you know, but, um, and then typically whenever we're resolving the issues that the quickest way is for me to understand what I did that was out of line and say, I'm sorry. I find it that and it's so hard for me to do. I find it so hard, but it, I have to kill my ego to do it, which is a process I'm learning in life is the, the, the dying of the ego, you know, as part of my Christian walk for sure. Um, But, um, especially whenever I know I'm right or I feel like I'm right.
Lindsey:I was about to say you feel like you're right. I feel I'm right and I feel like I'm right and I'm like,
Brent:oh, I got her this time. She's going down You know, but it's really like, I gotta, you know, it's just, I gotta, I gotta lead, I gotta, I gotta lead gracefully. Right? Which is saying, like, starting to say, Hey, I'm sorry. These are the things I did wrong, you know, um, or I could have done these things better for sure, you know, and that, that stuff really helps, but, but we, I was going to say we learned that really, and, uh, when we had couples therapy a few times, you know, like there was one point a couple of years ago where, Um, Lindsay was going to therapy on her own. I was going to therapy for me, you know, just to work out some stuff that I was dealing with, um, had nothing to do with Lindsay. It was just somehow some stuff I was dealing with, right. With learning how to be a new dad and emotional control and all that. Right. And then there just came a time where we were just like, we could not, me and Lindsay could not get on the same page. It was the weirdest thing. We don't know why it just happened all of a sudden. It wasn't correcting. It was like our communication was so clunky. It was the strangest thing. I don't know what it was. So we were like, okay, well let's go, let's go see a couples counselor and see like maybe what's going on. And uh,
Lindsey:sometimes it's important not to cut you off, but like to get like a third party. Like if that's happening, we're like, you're noticing like, man, we are just missing the mark. Like something's
Brent:off and we just don't know what it is. Figure it out.
Lindsey:Then it's important to, that's when you seek, Yeah. Like mentors or counselors or, or whatever it is to like, to kind of help bring that other perspective in that unbiased where they can, okay, like I'm looking at it from a different point of view and this is what I'm seeing. And it's not, you don't feel like it's like, Oh, well you're just picking, you're just blaming me. You know what I'm saying? So I, to continue, but yeah, so we reached out to a couples counselor.
Brent:Yeah. So we went to see a couples counselor and it was actually really good because she was able to, uh, To actually explain to us like, Hey, all these, you know, as we were just talking about a little bit ago, these boundaries, like you guys have the right to say, Hey. Now is not a good time for me. We definitely will address this, but right now I'm in no capacity to manage this kind of conversation at all in a calm manner and, uh, between that and some other things that she exposed to us, you know, um, trying to come, essentially come with like your head in your hands, you know, saying, Hey, look. Um, help me understand like where you're coming from that way. The other person has an opportunity to at least explain their side because I can explain my side all day. Lindsay can explain her side all day, but until I really listen and she really listens to me, how are we, how are we gonna, um, how are we going to come together in agreement that, okay, this is how we're going to be better moving forward. Give us a hug, give a kiss, you know, slap her on a booty, all that good stuff, whatever it takes, you know,
Lindsey:I do find that like. And you said it too, like we were, there was like a period, you would have to unslip her in the booty. There was a period in our life, just like with external stressors that were coming in that like, you have to handle your own shit. Like you have to, you know, whether it's like, cause if you're super triggered and you're just like, you're on edge all the time, like there are, if I get overwhelmed, I get, um, I'm like stressed. If I haven't had time for myself, if I'm like touched out from the kids, whatever it is,
Brent:I'm duck hunting too much. Right.
Lindsey:I am like literally walking around looking for a fight and I'm looking to pick point, I mean to like nitpick at different things. And like, I'm trying to not intentionally, but like, I'm just, So on edge that like, um, we're going to fight more just as a result of it. Let me get my point across with that. So,
Brent:so I'm a, I'm a child in a man's body. I can't help it.
Lindsey:So anyway, God, you made me lose my train of thought. David,
Brent:you come looking for a fight. That's right.
Lindsey:I come looking for a bite. And so those times you need to do, that's like some big, like self analysis. You have to have a lot of, um, Not self analysis, awareness, like self awareness of yourself to be able to be like, okay, you know, obviously there's something off on my end. I need to, I need to go get a workout in. I need to go spend some time alone with my friends. I need to go talk to my counselor, whatever it is. Like you need to analyze yourself and why am I picking these fights? And the same thing with Brent, he had things going on in his life where he had a moment where he was, he was just, like walking around on, on edge for a while. And we discussed it and he ended up going to counseling and it, it helped to prove, I say like kind of like proactive, it was proactive and trying to reduce the amount of arguments and that, and it ended up helping us because it, when you, when you're, um, not in a good place personally, like within yourself, then you're going to walk around just kind of like Someone come at me, like I'm fricking ready. Like,
Brent:Well, I used to conflate that time in my life where, Um, I was just like, I just felt like I was angry all the time and I, and I was never that way ever. But the way I would always say is like, I have this, this, this cup of water and I would wake up and my cup was full of water already. And then as the day would go on, You know, um, like the kids crying or wanting something or even like, um, just the stress of having to hurry up, get ready. Like just being rushed for me, it was just pouring water into that cup that was already full. So it was overflowing. And then by the end of the day, there was like puddles all over the floor, you know, and I just like, I couldn't even manage it. There was nothing I could do to, to just. and I remember that being really difficult. So whenever my cup's full, if Lindsey tries to come to me with a difficult conversation, I'm, I'm essentially ready for war. And that's, that's never a good thing because for me, I think it's so important that whenever we're going to have a tough conversation, we're There's, there's a structure for us that I say for us, for me, for sure, where if I'm going to go into this and we're going to have a tough conversation and it's going to be, um, a quality conversation, I have to make sure that I don't take any digs at you, that I'm not going to take things personally and I'm not going to make personal remarks to you, you know, and that's, It's almost like a defense mechanism for me to like hurry up and insult, you know, um, but through maturity and self awareness, I don't do it. And I'm, I really, I'm really careful about that, but I find it's, it's the desire to do it is greater whenever my cup's overflowing.
Lindsey:Yeah. You want to just fight dirty at that point. Like, but it is, you have to make sure that you're. Like, again, it kind of goes back to like what we've talked about multiple times. And we'll probably continue to talk about multiple times in the future is like, you know, reminding yourself that you are on the same team. This person is not out to get you. This is just a conversation. This is not like, this is not meant to be personal. It's not to be an attack. And you have to trust me and
Brent:I, and I trust you, you know, I trust that you're not gonna, that you're not going to come at me personally, you know, like being like, dude, you're such an idiot. Like I can't believe you would ever do this or whatever, you know,
Lindsey:calling is just such a. It's such an, I feel like for lack of, it's immature. It's just an immature and it's a, um,
Brent:and it puts, it puts me against you at that point. Right. Where something that we try to do, which works really, really well is we try to never say you do this, you do this, you do this kind of deal. Cause then in
Lindsey:an accusatory, like you're, you're messing up by doing this and you're, you're lazy. Like we're not,
Brent:cause it puts the other person on the defensive and what that do that does is it creates a barrier between the two of you. Right. So something that we do often is even if. Let's whatever the example would be like, even if Lindsey did something that hurt my feelings or whatever, and I'm really pissed about it. I would just say Um, we need to be better at doing this and which is me telling Lindsay, like, Hey, you did this, but I'm not saying it, I'm saying
Lindsey:it's a better verbiage saying
Brent:us together because I'm committing to it too, that we need to be better at doing this or we need to be better at not doing this. You know what I mean? And what that does is it, it keeps us together as a team and it includes myself in there to where I'm not accusing her. I'm telling her, Hey, I'm on board with this too.
Lindsey:Another thing that like, I know, like when I went to, when I saw a therapist for a while and we've talked about this and this is such like therapy talk. If you're a counselor or a therapist, if you're listening to this, you're going to know. It's like, you know, they, they counsel you in saying like, instead of being again, like, well, you said this and you did this. It is very much like, this is how it made me feel. Like it, it's putting it in. It's, it's all about again, because if you're coming into something and you're both kind of already on edge, you're both obviously like are on different sides of a coin on whatever the topic is. Like, it's super important how you're speaking to the other person. Because if you do start with accusations instead of like, and trying to point it on them, then like we said, the initial, the instinctual response is to defend yourself and to, and then, then it's you're defending yourself and I'm defending myself and trying to prove who's right. Right. But that's not the goal of a hard conversation is to prove like who's right. The goal of the hard conversation is to, to an understanding and an, a mutual understanding of, okay, this is how we move forward. This
Brent:is what we're going to do to be better. Right. And this is how we're going to handle this situation that just happened. This is how we're going to handle it together to where we don't run into this again.
Lindsey:Right. Cause if I've gone through this whole conversation and I've, I've, I've, Name called you and berated you and, and, you know, and it made you feel like this big, like T tiny. And I've proven my point and that I'm right. And Oh yay, I won, but it hasn't resolved the problem. And we're still pissed about it.
Brent:And they make me resent you too. That's right. You know, and that's, that's, that's a whole nother problem. It's a whole, it's actually
Lindsey:steps back and, and you're taking steps backward in a relationship. So it really is, um, you know, again, things that are learned and practiced and, and leaning into the hard conversations and, and realizing that like, we don't, Brent and I still don't always get it right. Like there are moments where we still, you know, we're not robots. We're not losing our, we're not like keeping it cool, calm and collected all the time. Like we have emotional conversations, but then I think we do a really good job of even now, like if we have a conversation and at the end of it, we're like, man, that did not go well. Like we both lost our cool or I lost my cool or Brent, like whatever happened. It's like, we do, we always circle back and it's like, okay, how could we have done this better? If, and when this or something similar happens in the future, how, how do, what are we learning from this? Right? Because it is, it's constantly learning your partner and you know, how, the things that we, cause I feel like, I mean, marriage is not, your relationship as husband and wife is not stagnant. Like you're constantly changing depending on, you know, your stressors in your life, external, you know, responsibilities. I mean, those things and how I handled situations 10 years ago or in my thoughts or my stances on things 10 years ago is different than probably how I handle it now. I would hope so because I hope that I've grown as a person. But so, That's why it's important to continue. Like relationship is essentially, I think a good marriage is essentially just like a continuous fluid conversation. Like, it's like, you're always communicating, you're always learning, you're always okay. Like this is how it's changed. This is how I can do better. And it's just this constant conversation for forever. It's constantly going to change. Um, another thing that I feel like we don't do and Brent brought this up as we were kind of brainstorming things last night is just And we never, we never throw divorce into the conversation. Like the word divorce is just, it's almost like, it's like. For my Harry Potter fans. It's like the, he who must not be named in a marriage.
Brent:You would.
Lindsey:Like you, you like that one.
Brent:That was accurate.
Lindsey:It's good. It's a good analogy. Everyone's going to get it if they like Harry Potter. So divorce is the, he who must not be named. It is the thing that you just don't talk about. It's almost like don't speak aloud. Like, and I know that that is like kind of like woo woo thought where it's like, you don't speak it to existence. You don't even mention it. But like, seriously, like I feel like that's a big, and as a, we're both products of divorce parents, you know, it's, it's super important. Like most people, when you get married, you know, you don't get into a marriage with the end goal of divorce. Like we, this is for life, you're stuck with me. And so it's not even on the table. Like divorce is not even an option. Um, Um, so I feel like you get really in a bad space when you're, um, essentially like using it as ammo, whether that's like as an ultimatum or in a threat, like, if you don't do this, then, then we're going to end up like, you know, that's, that's where we're at with it. And I don't know.
Brent:Yeah, I think it's one of the more important things that I think that we do is that we never, we never even, I don't even want to say threatened with it. We don't even, we don't even bring it up in general in our marriage. Like the word divorce, it is literally he who shall not be named. Like you're right. You are right. I mean, I, I don't, I just feel like you just like link almost like you're almost putting it out there if you use that terminology. Right. So I try to really avoid it. At all costs for sure. So like anytime we get into a heated argument, you know, and I mean, if you would to try to get your way to threaten with something like that, you're basically just scaring the other person into agreeing with you, but you're not really getting true agreement. You know what I mean? You want, you want real heartfelt, you want to speak to the person's heart, not to their fears. You know what I mean? So yeah, go ahead and put that on Instagram posts.
Lindsey:That was so good. That was a good one. But then on a bumper sticker, that was good.
Brent:Yeah, that's true though. I mean, cause if you speak into their fears, you're, you're, you're, you're talking to the wrong place. You know, you gotta, you want, you want them to change. You gotta change their heart.
Lindsey:Right. And honestly, like, it's almost like you, I don't mind. I'm not even gonna, I'm not even gonna elaborate because you, you nailed it. So there's no need for me. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna leave it at that. But I agree like divorce is, is just not a word that is even like uttered. It's not, it's not threatened. It's not used at all. And, and, No matter how passionate or heated the conversation gets. Yeah.
Brent:Avoid at all costs. For sure.
Lindsey:Um, I feel like, I'm sorry, were you going to say something? Well, I was
Brent:just going to say like, and then essentially I feel like where you'd go from here is something that's really important is, you know, figuring out what you did wrong and apologizing for it. Because that's, I feel like for mostly anyone, but I'm gonna say for guys and specifically. Us saying, I'm sorry, is, is really tough. Cause guys have big egos, man. We have big egos. I'm sure some girls do too, but guys, for sure. We have big egos, you know, and, and to kill that ego is tough, but even like you taught me, like having to say, Something like, for example, I'll, I'll give you a good example. Whenever we went to our first, like couples therapy session, the lady just pretty much just let us talk. Right. We were just talking. It was good conversation. It was not, there was nothing heated or anything. We were just kind of talking everything out. And, um, Lindsay said something like you, you hurt my feeling. I think she said, it was like, you hurt my feelings. And I wanted you to apologize. Okay. And I'm like, there's no way what I said hurt your feelings. Like that doesn't make sense. I'm not apologizing for something that doesn't make sense. When all I had to do was say, Hey babe, I'm sorry. And that would have been, it would have been over. But instead I was like, I want to apologize for something. I'm truly sorry for, you know, and I didn't say, you know, What I said, I thought was really silly, like, like, there's no way that hurt anyone's feelings, but I have to trust that you're telling me the truth now that you're just trying to get me to cater to you or, or, or cave to you, you know? Um, so what I should have said way ahead of time was, Hey babe, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings because that's not what I'm trying to do. Right.
Lindsey:You are sorry that you hurt my feelings. You may not be, you may not. You're not saying like, Oh, I'm sorry because I feel like I'm wrong. Like you could still feel like you're wrong, but you can be sorry that you hurt my feelings. If that, if that's, if that makes sense. So like, there's a differentiation in that. And like, I feel like prior you had a hard time separating the two. Like you felt like, like I literally just want you and it's easy. It's always, um, it's easier for me to apologize. And I think that that's a personal So for some people, like you said, whether it's like men versus woman or whatever, it's some people just find it easier to apologize. And I do, I'm very quick to apologize and truly mean it. And like you, like you said, maybe from the logical standpoint, you're like, no, no, no, it has to make sense for me to apologize instead of the emotional side of things. A lot of times I'm looking for an apology from the emotional side of things instead of from the, Yeah, and that's
Brent:me saying, I'm sorry, like, I really am. Sorry. Not like, okay, I'm sorry. Let's just move on. It's more like, Hey, look, okay, let me calm down. I am sorry. You know, so let's use a real world example. Okay. Last night,
Lindsey:let's go,
Brent:let's go. Okay. So let me, let me set some context. The last like five or six nights, our one year old has gotten into the habit of waking up at 1230 at night. And screaming until 1. 30, two o'clock in the morning, right? So like right now, today's a Friday. Okay. So that's the whole work week and we both work. So we've been exhausted this week and last night was like the fifth day in a row, six day in a row that this has happened. Um, so. Lindsay gets up, you know, Marlo starts crying, Lindsay gets up and she's working on trying to put her back down and the monitor for Marlo's room is in our bedroom. So even though Marlo's in the other room and I really can't hear her crying from the other room, I can hear it on the monitor, but I don't want to just go to sleep because it's kind of messed up for me to just like, all right, babe, you got it. And he just like snooze all night, you know? So, um, I'm kind of like just. Laying there patiently trying to see like, okay, is it going to get to a point where I gotta get up and go make a bottle or whatever it is? Cause that's like, typically you, you deal with Marlowe typically, but if throughout the week I would get up and go make a bottle, come bring it to, you know, kind of whatever it was while you were holding her, trying to soothe her. Right. And this went on for. 30 or 45 minutes and it just got to a point where I was so tired and, um, just so like my cup overfilling with noise. I
Lindsey:was about to say, you laid patient, not to cut you off, but I feel like you laid there patiently for about five minutes and then just started to like your patients, you just started to like stew. And it was like, you probably just Like my cup, my cup started overfilling
Brent:and it just, I wanted to go back to sleep so bad because I was. So tired. And then it just got to a point where I was just like, okay, the last couple of nights, we just brought her into our bed. She calmed down and then we were able to at least sleep, you know? So I was, I think I told you at one point, I was like, babe, just bring her into our bed. That way she can go to sleep. We'll get some sleep and then we'll just deal with this over the weekend where we have an opportunity to take a nap during the day. And, um, yeah, So I'm, I'm laying in bed, the baby's crying, and not only is she crying, she's like cranking it up. So it's like getting more and more stressful for me because she's, she's just like really crying. While
Lindsey:I'm in the other room actually working on trying to get the kids to sleep. Right.
Brent:Hold up. Okay. Keep going. Okay. All right. We're on the same team here. Okay. Y'all about to see an argument live. Okay. Real time. All right. Anyway. So it just got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore. So I got out of bed and I walked into Marlo's room where Lindsay and Marlo were. And I just told Lindsay, I was like, Hey. Pick Marlo up, bring her in the bed, like very sternly. He was
Lindsey:like fussing. He got very mad. I was, I was
Brent:very upset. I was very upset because I know I'd mentioned it earlier and I just, I just. Of course, not being in the room, I didn't know what you were doing. It just sounded like everything that we were doing was not working. So I was like, I just had enough. Right. So I went in there and very sternly said, you bring that baby into our room and at least like let her calm down. So, um, anyway, Um, so Lindsey, you ended up bringing her into our bed and then did she, she calmed down? Like I probably fell asleep right away.
Lindsey:You fell asleep right away. Yeah.
Brent:So I was so tired. Okay. I can't help it. So
Lindsey:on my end, it's
Brent:a gift on
Lindsey:my end. I was, I mean, obviously I'm tired. I'm the same, you know, yes. Marlo hasn't been sleeping well. Jackson hasn't been sleeping well. We're both very sleep deprived. We're getting, we're getting, you know, so I'm already on edge. I'm, Um, trying all the things that I've done in, I've sleep trained both of our kids. I'm doing all the things in her room, trying to calm her down. And on my end, you know,
Brent:here comes this sleepy man, he came
Lindsey:in hot, he came in like, and he just used a tone that was like, it just, it hurt my feelings. Like he, he was, he was fussing and it was like, I'm looking at it like I am trying so hard to get this baby down, like, and the last thing I need too is for him to vomit. You're sleep, right? Your time. It's for him to come in and just like yell at me about it. And so it really hurt my feelings. Like I came back, I put her down, I got very upset. Brent fell asleep and so I'm like, and it eventually like got her back down and, but like I woke up this morning and I was still very. Hurt by
Brent:it. And we, so as, as this morning was going on, we tried talking about it and it just got to a point like. I was so set in trying to tell her like, listen, I just couldn't listen to her anymore. And I felt like what you were doing wasn't working because she was just crying louder and louder for what I said, 30 to 45 minutes at this point. And we know that the last couple of nights, this went on for an hour and a half. So I just could not fathom the fact that this was going to continue for another 30, 45 minutes. Right. So I did lose my cool for sure. But. I was trying to explain that to you, and then I was like, okay, I can, I can bludgeon her to death with what I was thinking, but I have to, I have to come to her and say, help me understand, you know? So whenever we were talking this morning, I was like, help me understand. what you were doing that was, that was like taking so long essentially. And that's whenever you explained to me, well, I sleep train the kids. So I was doing everything that I had learned, you know, and that her, her pauses between crime were like, I'm just saying like they were getting longer to where she was getting ready to go back to sleep or whatever it was, right. Things that I just didn't understand, you know? And I remember like, I was still a little worked up and you were upset and I was just like, okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I did that. I'm sorry. I did that. But I was saying that to end the conversation, um, to where we could like move on, but I wasn't, I wasn't coming to you like a good husband saying, Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't understand. And I didn't do that until like a little bit later that morning where I came back and I was like, look. I really am sorry. I'm sorry, because I was exhausted and I didn't handle things, um, not only in a clear mind, but in a calm way, like I should have, and I didn't understand what you were trying to do. So what I should have did was came in and be like, babe, it's, it's been 30 or 45 minutes. Like, I'm sorry. What's the plan going forward? Like, what are, what are we trying to do? Is it a possibility that we can maybe just come put her in bed, you know, like that would have been a much better tone, but I apologize to speaking to you like that. I apologized for not under taking time to understand. And, um, and it went over way better. And then right after that, we hugged, we kissed, I tapped you on the booty. It was like real good, you know, but after that we, we went on. And then now today, We're recording this podcast, talking a little bit about it, but we're able to talk calmly about it because that situation has been dealt with appropriately. So now it's in our, it's in the past. Right.
Lindsey:And that's a good thing. Like you brought up like at the end, very good points. Like one thing is like, when, when we have a disagreement, we discuss it and then, It's we move forward. Like we do not use it as ammo for future conversations. Like, I remember, well, you did this six months ago and I've locked it down in my like safe of a brain and I'm going to pull it out when I need it. Like, uh, it, if it's done, it's dealt with it's in the past. Like it is not fair to just like pull up all the past hurts. And I mean, like it needs to just be a closed door. And then. And I feel like the last thing is like, and you said it, like we, like at the end of a conversation that we always, at the end of a connection, right? Like at the end of a disagreement, we always like prioritize some sort of like, let's reconnect. And it doesn't, it's not always like immediately after, but you know, sometimes it's like, okay, I'm going to, I'm going to go outside. I'm going to take a shower, like whatever. Like, but within, you know, within a little while afterwards, whether it's an hour or two, like we come back together. A lot of times, I mean, we'll, we'll just give each other a hug. Like there doesn't have to be a lot. I find
Brent:for us, it's, it's typically less than an hour. Like it's usually like 10 minutes. Like we, we talk it out. We kind of walk away a little bit where we can just like, where my heart can soften a little bit, you know, where I'm not so worked up and then I try to make it a point to come back to you, you know, where I'm like, Hey, listen, I'm sorry. You know, I love you. And typically for us, it's like a little peck on the lips and then we just kind of hold each other in a hug for a while, you know, and that I find typically works best for us, you know, and something else that, Um, that I've recently learned, I don't know where I heard this or somebody told it to me or what, but, um, what I had someone tell me one time was, um, they were like, if, if you get into an argument, like with your significant other and you guys walk away, they were like, pray. Pray to God, pray to the Holy Spirit to soften the heart of your significant other. So pray for a softened heart and then pray for a softened heart for you because at the end of the day, that's, that's really all it is. It's two hard hearts that don't want to, that, that the egos don't want to come together to, to make amends, right? So if you pray for a softened heart, it'll inherently, it softens yours. And then at that point you can be the one to, to reach that handout to start working on making up, you know? And that's. Um, and I think that's, that's what I find typically works for us is that I need to, my heart has to soften quick and then from there I need to realize what I did, apologize and then come to you and put my arms around you. And then typically at that point we're able to, we make connection and we can typically talk thing, talk more out if we need to. Or
Lindsey:just move forward. Like even if it's just like, Hey, I'm hugging you. Times
Brent:I don't like you right now. Lot of times. I love you. I love you all the time, right? We'll say that. I just don't like you right now, but I do love you. Right. Well, I'll just, I'm gonna come back whenever I like you some more
Lindsey:And I do find, another thing we say is like when we do prioritize connection, like a lot of times you're right, like, we'll, like even if we don't say much, like you'll, we'll usually like hug and kind of hold each other for a minute. Just like a little bit of physical connection. And a lot of times like either you or I will say like, Hey, hey, we're on the same team. Yeah. And it's almost just this like outward like reminder of like. We came at this from different, different sides, but we are on the same team. We have the same goal to move forward together. And that's like a kind of a way that we just kind of like tie it up in a nice bow. It's done. We put on it and we just move forward.
Brent:That's right. And sometimes we'll say that even middle of conversation, if we find things starting to try to deviate, from, from the the line needs to be on, we'll be like, Hey, listen, listen, we're on the same team. Okay. Let's let's calm down. We're on the same team. You know, we have to set that set that standard. But that's like one of the things that like we said, early, you just got to set, set the boundaries set the standard early. This is a conversation. We're on the same team. You know,
Lindsey:And so I really I mean, guys like that's And these are things that we do in our marriage, but again, you know, we find that this, what we've talked about, like it works really well for us, but it is so unique to like, individuals and your individual marriage, your individual relationship with your spouse, and a lot of it is just, you know, essentially like learning. It's a skill that you learn over time, you know, being, being quick to apologize, making sure you remember that you're on the same team. Um, but I, I really feel like that's, I hope that this has been, I guess, somewhat helpful for people. Cause I feel like you and I have gotten to a point in our marriage that we really don't have very many disagreements, but when we do, I feel like we do them With respect and and we we do them well and and we are able to move forward quickly from them
Brent:I think so
Lindsey:And so I feel like it's something that Brent and I have worked very hard on in our in our marriage Which is why we wanted to kind of talk through it with you guys today. Yeah So
Brent:look, let's let's recap because that's a lot of information. Okay. All right. So typically we start we set the tone Basically saying like hey, this is a conversation. We're on the same team This is not an argument, we're just we're just talking right Or you just say, you're the only one yelling. Don't, don't say that. You said that. So you set the, set the tone. It's a conversation. We're on the same team. Um, you realize are, you know, figure out, are we in, are we in a good head space where we can both have a, a, a decent conversation or do we need a little bit more time to calm down? Um, understand each other's boundaries, you know, no personal digs, no, um, no insulting, anything like that. Um, and use terminology like. Um, like we can do things this way. Use terminology that keeps you guys together. Not, not something that separates you where you, where you point to them and say, you did this, you did this, just use terminology like, Hey, we can do this better. Um, here's something that, that maybe we can learn, you know what I mean? Um, Never use the word divorce. He who shall not be named. Right. Come to them with like, help me understand, you know, understand their side first and then allow them to hear your side afterwards, but come to them first.
Lindsey:And also like handle your own shit. Like make sure that like you're whether if you're in a place that like you need to. Um, whether it's go to counseling or, or you need to kick, take some space where like, if you find that you're easily triggered to where you're picking more fights, like you need to be working on some self awareness to prevention, not to like cut you off, but keep. No, that's fair. Um,
Brent:say, I'm sorry. And Ritter reiterate that we're on the same team, right. And then
Lindsey:connect, reconnect, reconnection,
Brent:you know, hugs, kisses, booty taps. I don't know. Tell him that she's fine. You know what I mean? Whatever it is, but just make connection that way. Um, You know, there's no none of that awkwardness whenever you get back like, oh should I hug her? She's still mad whenever you make that connection. It kind of squashes everything. That's so
Lindsey:true. All right. Well, that's it guys I really I hope this was helpful. I feel like it is. I feel like we have some some good tips If it's
Brent:not I just like talking about it with you. Anyway, just Worst case it reiterates it for me. That's
Lindsey:good. That's exactly right So, um, all right, you guys. So, I mean, really that's it for today's episode. Um, be sure to follow us on Instagram. We're at the good underscore years. Um, also make sure that, you know, our podcast, it goes out every other week. Um, for now, I think eventually we're going to try to do it to where it's hitting, you know, we're dropping episodes weekly once our lives kind of calmed down a little bit. Um, but yeah, that's it. Um, but you know, you can find our podcast on obviously Spotify or Apple podcasts. Make sure you hit the follow button. That way you're notified when we drop a new episode. And also we'd really appreciate a review. Like you can hit the little five star review. You can leave a few comments. We've been getting a lot of comments. Good feedback on Instagram, which is great. You guys are sending us like DMS and stuff saying how much you're loving the podcast that you're, what you're getting out of it. And we love that. And we want you to continue doing that for sure. But it is super, super helpful if you can just literally copy and paste what you say on Instagram DMS and put it in like Spotify or Apple podcast underneath the review.
Brent:It just makes it more searchable. It makes it, um, kind of brings it. Um, to more people's attention and, uh, it's helpful for us for sure. And, uh, we also have a YouTube channel too. So we'll have some, uh, some content drop in there. So if you'd like to watch stuff, that'll be a good spot for you to reference.
Lindsey:We're slowly, but surely like working on like. I think our game a little bit. So we're going to catch Chip and Joanna
Brent:gains at some point with our own network and it's going to be good.
Lindsey:And that's a little, we're shooting for I'm all in. That's a
Brent:man can dream.
Lindsey:Oh my gosh. Okay. You guys, well, thanks for tuning in and, um, we'll see y'all soon. All right, guys. Bye.
