The Good-Years
Husband and wife duo committed to navigating the ups and downs of parenting, marriage, faith and family alongside you. We don't pretend to have all the answers, but what we DO have is a desire for asking hard questions, deep conversation and genuine connection. We are tired of being "tired" and going through life on autopilot- disconnected and disengaged leads to discontentment. Let's commit to living a life awakened.
So here's to authenticity, here's to growth, and here's to embracing The Good Years!
The Good-Years
Episode 009- B+L: You're Speakin my Language
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Talking all about "Love Languages"- what they are, why they work and how to utilize them in your marriage (and really all relationships)
Unless you've been hiding under a rock for the last decade, Gary Chapman's concept of "The Five Love Languages" is likely nothing new. However, sometimes it's difficult to practically take a concept from theory to practice- which was the driving force behind today's episode. Our goal is to give you a real world narrative of how this tool is useful in our marriage in hopes that you may take away a tidbit (or two) of applicable ideas to utilize in your OWN relationship(s). As always, this is simply us talking through what has worked well in our relationship to help get us to this point in our marriage- so listen in, take what you want, and leave the rest!
As always, be sure to leave us a review and follow us on instagram @thegood_years
Here's to The Good-Years, yall!
-B+L
We are Brent and Lindsey Goodyear, husband and wife duo, here to share our unfiltered thoughts on marriage, parenting, faith, family, and everything in between.
Brent:We promise to ask the hard questions and share perspective as we navigate life in all its unexpected curveball filled glory.
Lindsey:So here's the authenticity, here's to growth, and here's to embracing the Goodyears. And cut! Yes! Masterpiece! Slammed
it!
Lindsey:Okay. So. Welcome to another episode of The Goodyears. Oh, we're recording now? Yeah, we're now recording, Brent. Yeah, this is, uh. Lindsey's
Brent:been being weird for a while now, so. I've been trying to tell her to calm down. Oh my
Lindsey:god. So, um, this is Brent and Lindsey Goodyear, and we're here to chat with you guys today a little bit about, I think, one of our favorite topics. And I say one of our favorites just because I feel like it's applicable in a lot of ways. So many areas of our life and we're constantly telling like other couples other You know people about how important we feel it is and that is the five love languages Um, lindsey
Brent:has all five of them just to spark notes all five have to do all five we
Lindsey:all have all five in some capacity, but um I'm going to throw it right back at you. Okay. So I guess for those of you guys that, you know, if you've been, I feel like the five little languages are pretty common. Um, relatively common, um, concept nowadays. Like I feel like everyone's at least like heard of them or a lot of people have at least heard of them, whether or not they actually like apply them in their actual marriage and other relationships is, is a different story. But for those of you that have maybe been under a rock and haven't heard of them, the five languages, the five love languages are based off of this book by Gary Chapman. Um,
Brent:what's the name of the book?
Lindsey:The Five Love Languages.
Brent:I'm just making sure they know. I'm just making sure. I'm just making sure. That is really obvious.
Lindsey:It's super obvious.
Brent:So the book is called The Five Love Languages. Yes. And
Lindsey:so, Gary Chapman, I think, developed this concept, and basically it's it's that people Basically, either give or receive love in different ways and that is based off of, he's kind of denoted them into five separate love languages, which are physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, and quality time. Um, And I feel like you're gonna say something
Brent:I was just thinking that your number one love language is all five love languages
Lindsey:Anyway you guys he isn't like on a different he's so goofy today. So just like We're like a little I think we're still kind of like riding on the, the fumes of, we had the a 4th of July party last night at our house. I say party, like we literally had just like family over, but like a lot of the people in our family all have kids that are around our kids' age. Like we have a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old, and a lot of them have kids around that same age. And so you guys. It's like you just, it's just hours of, I mean, if you know, if you have kids that little, like you just can't relax, like, especially there's like there's alcohol, there's explosives, the kids are running around everywhere. Everyone's overstimulated, slightly intoxicated. Like it's, I
Brent:set up a fun jump that they played on for one minute. So that was a lot of fun. 10 minutes of setup, 20 minutes of pickup for one minute of fun. And it's also like 150
Lindsey:degrees in South Louisiana. So like by the end of the night, We just collapsed into bed. We were so tired. And then, you know, the kids are up bright and early at 5 AM, like ready to
Brent:go. It was so much fun. We're
Lindsey:both kind of a little, I think just kind of out of sorts, maybe. I don't know this morning. So just, just also the kids were
Brent:emotional wrecks yesterday morning, if you recall.
Lindsey:Yeah, well, that's like, Literally, I think the sugar, the stimulation, the firework, just all of it was a
Brent:lot. I was worn out. I'm not gonna lie. I thought about going run for a second to clear my mind and that says a lot cause I don't run. I thought about it for a hot minute.
Lindsey:I just want to run and then just keep running and not come back. Just run
Brent:in perpetuity.
Lindsey:Anyway, we're so off track anyway. So. the five love languages. Um, like I said, their physical touch words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts and quality time. And basically Gary's concept is that like everyone, probably everyone feels loved in some way by any of these, right? Like if, if, if you do any of these for someone else, they're going to feel loved and appreciated, but that some people value. Some of these more than others. Um, for example, Brent says that I have all of them, but that is not true.
Brent:They're all your number one.
Lindsey:I have some, and he knows this that are like much higher on my list of like priorities where like, if he is, if he is doing these things regularly, then I feel loved and fulfilled. Um, for me, it's. Quality time is like my number one.
Brent:Yeah. So like, for example, if I have to go somewhere, let's say I'm going to get some coffee, um, I'll get in my truck in the garage and I'll start backing out the driveway and Lindsay will be like, where are you at? You home yet? And I'm like, bro, come on, bro. No, but like, I, I
Lindsey:just, like, if we go, especially like we're in the season of life, we're like, Life is so hectic, like a lot of times, especially during the work week, like we're just constantly, even though Brent and I are super intentional about. Trying to make time for each other still, you know, after, you know, sometimes in the work week, if it's very busy, we're like two ships passing in the night, we're just like coexisting and going through the motions of
Brent:two ships with butt taps in between. If two ships tapped each other on the butt, when they, whenever they went by, that would be the chips that we're talking about.
Lindsey:Like, Hey, I still love you. I haven't been able to speak two words to you all day, but here's a little bit of physical touch. Right. Um, So we, even if we do prioritize, you know, trying to spend time together, it is, it is hard. So like, I find that like after a few days of, you know, us, of life being busy and hectic and us not really getting like time to like look each other in the eye and, and talk to each other and without having interruptions from our kids, you know, I, I start to feel for lack of a better word, like wanting in our relationship. Like I'm like, okay, like I need to reconnect with him because I'm feeling off or distant from you and it makes me feel unsettled. So that's definitely quality time is my number one.
Brent:Like I know if I go out of town for work and I come back, um, after a couple of days, you know how, when a kid's like, doesn't want you to leave, how they grab onto your leg and you have to walk around with them on your leg. I have to do that with Lindsay.
Lindsey:Brent is painting me to be this like ridiculously codependent, horrible wife. It is not that bad. I couldn't pass
Brent:up the visual. It was so good. Um, quality time is definitely, is definitely your number one for sure. Um, even like for me, like, like if I go to the camp during hunting season for a couple of days, I'm like, Oh man, like I'm always a big believer. Like, like I like to go away long enough to where like, I'm like, Like I'm, I'm missing you guys and it'll take me like a day or something like that, you know, where I'm like, okay, like I'm ready to, I'm ready to kind of come back, you know, and that's whenever I find like, um, I have that even stronger desire to be around and, uh, not be around, but like be around everyone, you know, um, But, um, I noticed that whenever I come back, you're like ready.
Lindsey:Yeah. Like you're, you're right. You're the opposite. And the fact that like, if you, if we actually have like too much time together and like, you're, you feel, you start to get like, um, if you feel suffocated, I find. And so like, you start to get like more anxious and more irritable, but then like when you do have time, essentially away from us as in your family, and you're able to just kind of clear your head. And be able to like be on your own time for a little while even if it's a few hours Like sometimes like that's almost like the reset that you need to where then you can come back and and Give more fully of yourself to your family. So like we actually, which is why it's so important, you know, again, to like know each other's love languages, because if I didn't know that about print,
Brent:you'd think I'm avoiding you. That's exactly right. Like typically what I'll need is I need to go work with my hands somewhere. You know, like if I'm, if I find that I'm just like, like my, my job does not require me, I have a, I have an office job, right. So it doesn't require me to work with my hands. And I find these huge desires where if, if I don't, um, Get to do something with my hands, like some kind of hard physical work. Um, I'll start to get really, um, I don't know about anxious, but like annoyed, suffocated, you know, and then there's times where I'm just like, look, I gotta, I gotta go to the farm and do some work or I gotta go to the marsh. And. um, spray or do some, I gotta do something where I'm feeling productive, even, even going outside and working on that list of things that I want to get done at the house. Like I just need like six hours of doing that just to get it out, you know? But, um, I also have to make sure that I'm giving you your quality time. That way I can say, Hey, I got to go for like most of the day. And unfortunately where I'm going, I can't bring the children.
Lindsey:You need to
Brent:hang on, hang on to them.
Lindsey:I do find that like, if. Essentially like we're going to use like a, it's going to sound super cheesy, but like a love tank, like if my gas tank, right, is full because you have been speaking to me in the love languages that make me feel loved and appreciated and valued, meaning like we've been spending quality time together. I've been getting like a lot of like physical touch and handholding and like all of these things. Then when you come to me and you're like, Hey, I want to go, you know, to the camp for two nights or I want to go do this, then I'm way more. So, you know, I'm not open to like, oh yeah, absolutely. Because I feel.
Brent:Because your glass is full.
Lindsey:That's right. But like, if I'm like, tapped out and I haven't seen you and we've been running around and we haven't been communicating or we haven't spent time together and then you're like, oh yeah, by the way, this weekend I'll also want to go and work at the camp for the whole weekend I'd like to be gone. You know? You usually will get an earful because I'm like, I'm like going to put up hunting season for sure. Like hunting season.
Brent:Uh, I'm a big, you know, in South Louisiana, I'm a big duck hunter and I typically will hunt every Saturday and Sunday during hunting season and maybe one day during the week, depending on like how work is, depending on the weather systems coming through. Like if they got a good front coming through, I'm gonna try to go during the week. But, um, It's just kind of known every Saturday and Sunday morning, I'm going to be going hunting and I know toward the end of the season, I start, I start finding that you're like on me about stuff that it really isn't a big deal, but really what you're just saying is like, Hey, I'm ready for that quality time. You know, I think you're just getting like, just general annoyances that things I wouldn't typically annoy you just because that that cups getting empty. You're like, okay. Like, oh yeah, I'm over it. I'm, I'm, I'm over it. Mm-Hmm. like, I don't like this anymore.
Lindsey:I start putting up a big, a big fuss. But, so for me, like that's an
Brent:under, under understatement. It's a big fuss. It's very giant.
Lindsey:So another one for me is, um, physical touch. Now I do think that, I mean, this is also, I put this as like your number one for two, which I think it is for most men. I would say
Brent:for, for most men it probably is physical touch. Physical
Lindsey:touch. But it's, it. It's different for us, like obviously like as a woman, like I feel like even just like you grabbing my hand in the truck when we're driving or you know, you coming up and like hugging me from behind while I'm doing dishes or like those like little acts of like, just quick, um, just sweet kind of like reminders of like, Hey, I love you, I'm supportive, I'm here.
Brent:Non-sexual type. Right? Like
Lindsey:that's right. It, that for me is often I say enough, like obviously like. Um, sexual ones can be fun.
Brent:Hey,
Lindsey:that's what
Brent:I'm talking about.
Lindsey:Like I'm good with like the sexual ones too. Don't get me wrong. But like, as a woman, I feel like obviously like emotionally, if you're feeling that emotional, physical touch, it's not just the physical, like carnal aspect of it that has to be filled. Right. Whereas opposed to most men, obviously are a little bit more like. Sexually driven. We'll put it that way. I would say a lot more. Yeah, a lot more for, for sure. So like on average, about average. Yeah. So I,
Brent:go ahead. What I, what I find for, for me to get the physical needs that I want. Mm-Hmm. If I can speak to yours first, then I'm gonna much more often get the, the physical touch that I want. Mm-Hmm. Because if I it in marriage, it can't be, it's not about me. Right. It's about I make it about you. Right. Or I have to make it about you. Mm-Hmm. So if I can make sure that your, your needs are met. Then you're going to be more likely to meet mine. But if yours are depleted, then all you can focus on is, um, how can you focus on meeting mine? If yours are depleted to, you know, it
Lindsey:becomes more of like a task as opposed to like a connection at that point. And I want,
Brent:I want, I can't wait. I'm about to say this. I want you to want to like, I feel like I just heard you, which you've never said this, but I feel like I've just heard. Some wife out there just say, I want you to want to do the dishes. And he's like, well, I don't want to do the dishes. Like, why do I want, why are you, why would I want to do the dishes? Like, I just feel like I heard somebody's wife out there say that in my head. But for me, like, Some guys are okay with like, alright, there's just being like no connection at all in that. But I like, I, I like for us to both be in it, you know? Mm-Hmm. So if, if I wanna get the touch, the physical touch that I want, then I want, I need to speak to your love languages and make sure you're feeling, uh, like you're feeling like the emotional side of that physical touch is met. Yeah. You're,
Lindsey:is met as well. Yeah, for sure.
Brent:And, and on the physical touch side for me too, it's not just that like, um. A long hug for me is nice where you engage me in it, where you just come up and you just kind of, um, hug me, especially like when life is hectic or whatnot. It's kind of nice, like to just have a random hug with you where I just hold you and you hold me. It's just nice, you know? So that's, that's something that speaks to me too. Um, but that physical, sorry. I
Lindsey:do find that you and I do that a lot. Sometimes like, even like we talked about it last time for Our last podcast that we did about arguing and, and, you know, getting in disagreements, like a long hug. Like we do that really often. We will like, it's just kind of like, it doesn't, you don't have to say anything. Like if we're having a hectic day, we've just gotten in a, in a disagreement. Like a hug is great. Cause like it, it doesn't eat, no words have to be spoken, but you can just sit there and kind of just hold each other. And you're just like, okay, like this, I feel physical connection with you and it helps to kind of just like, Literally, even from like, I mean, if you think about like from a like a weighted blanket kind of situation, like literally it's the same concept, like a tight hug that tight will regulate your nervous system and bring all of those emotions kind of back to like, like a level playing field, if that makes sense. Sure. You just disbelieve me on that one.
Brent:I would have just said, it's just a nice hug from your wife. I'm fair enough. Way to blanket doesn't do you enough. Justice. I
Lindsey:get it. I'm hopefully I'm a little bit better than a weighted blanket, but, um, and then another one for, I think we both share this one is the words of affirmation. Now I like
Brent:to be shared. Definitely though.
Lindsey:That's right. And I like my words of affirmation. In like a which I which I it could almost be a gift I guess it's like when you write me notes, like you'll leave these notes, right? Um, and those it's just like little We've been doing this since the beginning of our relationship We have like a huge box that we've kept all of the notes that we've like written back and forth to each other And it's just like for me i'm a very um I love to write and I love like the english language and I love to be able to like put my thoughts into it Into word, into, and so like it always means a lot to me. When Brent takes time to do that for me and like, leaves me a note. And that for me is so like, that's better than any like monetary gift. She cries for almost everyone. I
Brent:wrote her one about her old broken down car. Whenever we had first gotten, gotten married and she cried,
Lindsey:I
Brent:compared her to how old Tammy's getting, but how. Beautiful. You're like how beautiful you are. And even though Tammy's getting older, you're getting more beautiful. And she was like, Oh, I love it so much. It was awesome. It was worth it. I'm an emotional being. I guess what I'm trying to say, guys, if you listen to this, it don't take much. Just write something
Lindsey:like something down. It doesn't have to be this like novel. Like sometimes they're just like little. I'll be thinking about you today and he just leaves them like he's left them in my wallet for me to find. Um, and they just like, Oh my God, they speak to my heart so much. Um, so for me, that's the type of words of affirmation, I guess, that I really cherish.
Brent:Yeah. And the things I'll say in there are going to be things that are going to speak to you like, um, things that I know. Um, I must say you, but probably most women would, would, I say struggle, like would second guess themselves on. So I would just, things that I typically mention are like how great of a mom you are, how, um, how good of a job you're doing, how wonderful of a wife you are, how good of a job you're doing, you know? Um. Um, things like that. And then every now and then I'll try to be even more specific than that. Like this one time, whenever, whenever you did this, how much I loved it, or how the kids looked at you and that kind of stuff. And it makes it a lot more real. But if I can speak to, if I can speak to like some insecurities and reaffirm, um, How good you're actually doing from the outside. I think, I think those types of notes go a lot further. You know,
Lindsey:that's so true. And actually we had this conversation a few weeks ago because like I, again, like I love to write, so I write Brent a lot of notes as well, but like sometimes I write them in ways that I would like to be written to, as opposed to like writing and speaking to him. So I actually, I don't even know how we got on the conversation, but I asked him very pointedly, like, If I'm trying to speak to you with words of affirmation, like how do I do that? Like what means the most to you? And it caught me off guard because it, you, your answer was different than what I would expect. So like, I mean, walk through like the specifics of like as a man and as like, what, what type of words of affirmation can I speak to you as your wife that really are going to like hit the hardest and mean the most?
Brent:Yeah. So on words of affirmation, the things that I really tend to like. is like for some reason, and I think some guys probably there's a lot of guys like this because guys have a really hard time taking, um, compliments. I find like it almost makes me uncomfortable,
Lindsey:you know, handle them. Well,
Brent:I don't, I'm like, Oh, get that off me. Like, why are you telling me? Yeah, I know. It was, I don't, I don't know what the reason for that is, but, um, the way that I, words of affirmation for me or this, right. I like to know that whenever I tried hard at something, that it was good, but not like a, not like, um, like an insincere, like, Hey, you, I'm trying to think of a good example, like, um, like, oh, wow, look at how good that, you know, like something like that. So like something so simple, like every guy can probably attest to this. If your man cuts your yard, okay. And he's staring out the window looking at it, or he's finished cutting and he's standing in the driveway and he's looking at the yard, go out there and just say, I don't know what you did this time, but it looks really good. And even if it looks terrible, like. He's going to be like, I am man, like something. So something he takes pride in. If you're like, man, you did a, you did a really good job. Look at how, look at how evenly cut the grass is. It just makes everything look so much better, especially if he takes pride in it, it's going to go a long way, you know? Um, same thing. Um, whenever, um, I mean, like anything, like if you're, if your man's been working out and trying to get in better shape and you just simply tell him like, man, I can, I can tell you're getting in a better shape. Like your waist is looking a little smaller. I can just tell him his arms look bigger and that's, that's all he's going to care about. Just be like, yeah, I could tell your biceps got a little bit bigger, you know, I can see more definition and he's going to be like, dude, I'm going to crush it in the gym tomorrow. Like you just wait, you know, things like that. But like. specifics, but, um, but things that, you know, that he cares about, um, if your man's a big deer hunter and he kills a deer and he's really proud of it, just make comments about like the way the, the way the horns look or the way the, you know, just, just be, be very specific. Right. And just pump him up and be like, man, you must've worked hard to get that. Right. And you could, or you could say, man, I know you've been chasing that one for a long time. Like you, you've earned it. You know, you did a great job. Like little things like that, I think would go a really, really long way, but just showing that you're noticing that he's worked hard and that, um, and that he's winning in what he's doing. I think that goes a long way.
Lindsey:Right. And I do think that another thing that, and we talk about this actually with our kids a lot, and I've actually done this. And I try to do it in front of Brent often or as often as I can. It's like talking, talking about them in front of them, like in a good way. So like, I'll tell people like lately, like, And we've talked about this in the podcast about like, you know, Brent's been in the last year, he's really been putting a lot of effort into his faith and he's kind of taken the role of like a spiritual leader in our home. And he's just like grown like leaps and bounds spiritually. And as a result, it's also just, he's grown as a person, you know, and, and, and every facet, I mean, it's just been such a huge transformation. And honestly, there wasn't like, it was great to begin with. So like the, the leaps and bounds, it was just. It's been over and above. And I make a point of when we're around people and we're talking about that, like I talk, I compliment him out loud to other people in front of him so that he, you know what I'm saying? Like, and we, I feel like we try to do that. Like we talk about doing that with the kids too. Like how important it is for like our kids to hear us talking good and talking them up in front of other people. Like that helps just with like confidence and all of that. And so like, yes, I'm speaking directly. I'm really talking to you. Like when I'm talking to these other people, but I'm using those words of affirmation and I'm speaking them to you, but just kind of like third party through somebody else, I'm letting you hear or overhear me saying those things to someone else.
Brent:Yeah. And that makes a lot of sense. I mean, as you were saying that I was thinking of, like, I was like, man, why do the same thing at work, you know, like in a leadership role, it's important to, to lead by example. And it's the same thing with your family, but something that my mom did for me. When it comes to words of affirmation that I always promised to do for my kids because it made a big difference and I didn't really realize it until I got older was anytime somebody said something nice about me. My mom always told me. So like as an insecure kid, whenever people, whenever my mom was like, Hey, I spoke to so and so, and she said that you're growing up to be like a, a really, really kind young man, you know, that you, you're, you're really good looking or, um, whatever, whatever it would have been like, you said some really nice things, you treated somebody really well, and she was very specific about what they said. So I was like, as I got older, I was like, man, I. You're, you're really, um, as you're in your teenage years, you kind of base your identity off of what people are telling you it is right. Cause you just aren't secure enough to know who you are or
Lindsey:you're learning.
Brent:Yeah. Are you learning who you are? For sure. If people are telling you, Hey, you're really kind, Hey, you're really handsome. Hey, um, you really treat the others. Other people will, Hey, you, you, it was noticeable that you went out of your way to do that for somebody, then you start to internalize that as, Hey, I am kind. I am, maybe I am a little good looking. You know, maybe I am a really, you know, kind person and I'm, you know, and then that kind of, you know, I think that that grows on you, you know, but if you don't know that, then you're just kind of what the world tells you that you are, you know, um, and sometimes if your peers are, you know, aren't being really supportive, that can be tough. So my mom would always tell me, um, all the good things that people say about you. So now with our kids. Um, I make sure that anytime someone makes a comment about them, that's positive, which people don't tell me anything negative about our kids, of course, but, um, I make sure to say, Hey, Jackson, um, whoever it was, they said that you did a really good job today, that you were really helpful with your sister, you know, all that kind of stuff. Um, I do the same thing with you that if somebody tells me something about you, I'm like, Hey, so and so said this about you. But even at work, because at work people talk about everybody else on the team a lot, right? And anytime somebody says something positive, I go to that person and I say, Hey, So, and so said that you've been, it's noticeable you've been putting in a lot of work, that your work's actually getting better. And I just thought you should know that. And they appreciate that so much. So imagine, um, as a husband or as a wife, Telling good, positive words of affirmation to your spouse, how far that goes, you know, where people who I work with, how far that goes, but my relationship with them is only at work. Imagine somebody who lives with you who really needs that affirmation from you, how far that goes, you know, and your kids, that's even bigger.
Lindsey:Oh, for sure. And I think it is super important in the fact that like, I mean, you're, you're bringing, you're kind of like summing it all up in the fact that like these, these love languages can all be. used in any relationship. I mean, whether it's like your marriage, whether it's your friendships, whether it's your work, your coworkers, your children, like, I would stay away
Brent:from physical touch at your coworkers. Um, just a heads up. Like you can like HR nightmare. Every HR manager is like, yep, yep, that's, that would be a no, can't do that, Brent.
Lindsey:Okay. Maybe not physical. Maybe just pass on the back. Pats on the back is fine. Like that, that'll be good. But every, you're right. Everything else, guys, just wave at the girls, just wave out and be like,
Brent:hi, you're doing great. Proud of you.
Lindsey:But like, for our kids, for example, like as our children are growing and they're kind of coming into their own, I mean, I can see for Jackson, like He's like, his big things are, he is actually not a physical touch kid. Like he, he will, he will let you know when he's ready for you to touch him. Like if I want to come up and like snuggle with him, he's like, no, get off me. Did it like, I need some space. Like he just, he has to, Give extend the invite for you to like hold his hand or hug him and he'll ask you specifically for that. But if you go on an, uh, like uninvited, it really makes him uncomfortable, but he loves like words of affirmation are big for him. Kind of for the same thing. I think it's helping to like build his confidence. You know, he's, I think like most kids, he's big on gifts. Like he loves any kind of gifts. Like it got to the point, especially with the grandparents, they were buying him gifts nonstop. And it was like, it got to the point that anytime Someone would walk into our house. He'd be like, did you bring me something? And so we had to have a conversation with the grandparents of like, all right, guys, we got to chill on the gifts because he's literally expecting it. From physical
Brent:gifts to ice cream and cookies every day after school. Then we had to calm that down. So
Lindsey:it's, uh, our
Brent:children are loved, which is good. However, we need a within reason.
Lindsey:Yeah. But like Marlo, I mean, Marlo is only one, but like Brent and I were talking about this on the way over here. It's like, you can already see. See some of the ways that she is showing love or wants to be loved. Like she is much, she is as much like me. And the fact that she does love she and you, like she loves physical touch. And even if sometimes it's just putting her little hand on your leg while she's sitting next to you or like, she'll want to lay on my chest a lot more. Like even when Jackson was a baby, he was not like a snuggly baby. He did not want to just lay on me quietly. But Marlowe. Likes to do that.
Brent:She also wants you to both of us to carry her around all the time But
Lindsey:I don't know if that's just classic second, baby, or if that's just her specifically, but I do think that I think it's so important that you know You take time in any relationship to like truly and it's sometimes if you can't figure it out It's literally just flat out asking like Cause you know, sometimes it's, it's obvious, right? Like I said, like probably for most men, physical touch is probably way up there. But like I've literally throughout our relationship with Brent, like had to ask like, Hey, like what makes you feel love? What do you appreciate? Or I've learned, like I used to buy Brent gifts that were like very emotional and like very thought out. And then I would get so, Upset and heartbroken because he just wouldn't have the reaction to the gift that I bought him that I was, that I was expecting that I would have had if I had gotten that gift and it would really hurt my heart. Well, most of the
Brent:time it'd be because it was bringing up the bring up emotions and tears and I would just force it back down and be like, you get down there. Men don't cry. Get down there. Tears. No, not really. It I appreciated them for sure. Um, like one, one of them in particular was, um, my grandfather and my grandmother passed away, uh, in 2008. Um, I'm sure I've told that story when a tree fell on their house during one of the hurricanes and killed both of them. Right. But my grandfather and I were crazy close, very, very close. And, um, there was a picture somebody took of us one day where we were coming out of the marsh after a good duck hunt. And I was a kid. And it was just a picture of me and him, uh, in the boat together driving and I was holding up a duck that we had shot and he was just smiling and he had his arm around me and it was just like a overall like looking back. It was just a wonderful picture of the both of us and Lindsay had a friend of ours. Do like a sketch of it, but it was a picture of me and him As I was an adult so the picture
Lindsey:and how old so it was like the initial picture was like your gram your papa And you were like seven or eight I think in the photo yeah, so like I had the artist draw it where like brent was his age now like You know, I think it was a few years ago. So like you were like 35 And then years
Brent:ago I was first of all, I'd have been like 32 a few years ago Let's get that detail straight
Lindsey:So like brent as he would as he looks now in his mid 30s and then aged his grandfather the same to the same to where like his grandfather would be in his 70s or 80s like if we had
Brent:taken the picture today What it would have looked like, you know draw
Lindsey:it out
Brent:And it was, it really was a great picture and I think Lindsay was expecting a really big emotional response and it just never came, you know, and I don't know, I don't know why that was. I, I did appreciate it. It was a great gift.
Lindsey:His response fell so flat that I literally broke down. Like I was so heartbroken because it was such, And like, it, it was a, and we've had talks about like, okay, like moving forward when people buy you things and they've obviously put effort, like we've had to work on that for him. Like, even if you don't, like, at least be like, anyway, I learned that like, Brent just doesn't, that's, that's not, He doesn't it's not that he doesn't appreciate gifts. I just
Brent:don't receive those Like
Lindsey:you just don't feel like that's not how you feel loved That's not how you feel truly loves and appreciated is by gifts from other people. It almost makes you uncomfortable You don't know how to respond to him. You don't know how to handle but I
Brent:do in some capacity like 1, whenever we were 1st started dating, I want to say, um, hunting season had come up and you gave me a, uh, what was it? It was like a football season slash, uh, opening weekend prep basket or something like our opening opening weekend of duck season, like basket and it was like. Uh, I don't know. Some, it was like beer, cosmic brownies. I think he had a little beer in there for the camp, and it was like that. It was some warmer.
Lindsey:He had a bigger emotional reaction. Warmer, and I loved it. He had a bigger, a bigger emotional reaction for that. Like literally like CVS like thrown together gift basket than he did for the hand painted
Brent:I know, but I think what it is is because that was like more practical, I guess, and for some reason that's just what I like, like more practical gifts. Yeah. So if you gimme something that I can use. Like, um, for some reason that goes a much longer way than just like any, any emotional type gift, you know? And that's just for me.
Lindsey:Yeah. And I think it just goes back to like, truly, like there's some like pitfalls in it. Like you have to learn from your, from your significant other, like, okay, how do you, cause I could be speaking to your, like your, I could be trying to show you that I love you. by just buying you gift after gift after gift, but it's all going to fall flat if you don't, if you don't receive love that way. Cause it's not just about how you like, how I show you love. It's also how I receive love the best and vice versa. Because like, I, I've shown you like, this is how I, This is how I like to show people. I love them, but it may not match up with how you feel the most loved. So then I need to alter how I show you in particular, how I love you to wait. That way it matches how you feel most loved because otherwise you're just essentially wasting your effort and your time.
Brent:You know, where I first learned that lesson, I'm about to, I'm about to take you back and you're ready. Okay. So there was an episode. When I was a kid of family matters, that was the show at Steve Urkel. Okay. Was that family matters?
Lindsey:I don't know. I think
Brent:it was family matters. Anyway, the episode I'm talking about was with Steve Urkel and Steve Urkel's love interest, Laura, I think was her name. Anyway, she had a friend and her friend had bought her this dress. And, um, whenever she gave the dress to her, um, Laura was like, Laura was like super upset, like she didn't like it. So she didn't get the response that she thought she would. But her friend was like, but I bought you this dress as a gift. And I remember, um, Carl, who was the wise dad, right? Laura's dad, the wise one, he came in and he was like, like trying to figure out like what was going on, they were kind of arguing and he goes, well, did you buy her that dress because you thought it would look good on her? Or did you buy her the dress because you liked it? And you thought it would look good on you. And she said, Oh, well, I thought it would look good. I thought it was a nice, a good looking dress, but I guess I didn't think about like what she would like, I liked it. So I bought it for her. So even though the purpose was there, the message was missed, you know? So it's almost like somewhat comparable and like, you can't make it about you. Right. Like, yeah, I want to give it to you this to you. Cause it's going to make me feel good to give this to you. But it needs to be like, What, what are you going to receive? Well, and let me do that for you, you know, Ooh, that was good. Hey, Carl came in with some good wisdom. He was a smart man. Good job, Carl.
Lindsey:But I do like, and look, like, honestly, like there are times, don't get me wrong. Like I told you guys, like my top three are, you know, what did I say? Words of affirmation, physical touch, and then probably quality time, right? Those are my top three, but there are times where like the other two acts of service and gifts I'm not saying that like I don't enjoy and appreciate that like if Brent comes in and like I come home from a busy day at work and he has Done the laundry like, Oh my gosh, that's great. That really like takes a load off of me. But, or if he buys me flowers randomly, every girl loves flowers, you know, everyone loves a, just a random bouquet of flowers. I love when he does that, but it's not
Brent:just, let me cut him real quick. If you go to Albertson's flowers are like 6 for like a dozen roses. Just a heads up. You don't have to go to the 60, 80, 120. Sometimes I go pick Lindsay a hydrangea out of our flower bed. Yeah. Just a heads up. If you need to go get flowers, go to like Albertson's or like your local grocer. They got them on the cheap and girls just like to know you thinking about them.
Lindsey:That's exactly right. Cause you used to, I mean, don't get me wrong. I love like when we first started dating, Brent would go like, he would get me these like Huge arrangements of flowers and they were freaking beautiful. Don't get me wrong. I had
Brent:to pay the bank back for
Lindsey:like, he can't do that constantly when they're 80 a pop, like 10
Brent:for a bunch of roses, I could easily do that.
Lindsey:Yeah. So I guess all that to say, like, I, like Brent was joking at the beginning of this episode that like Lindsay likes all of them and I do, I do like all of them. I will say that proudly. I love all five love languages and I love to get them randomly, but if I had Three, where they mean the most and they hit the hardest and they last the longest. Those are the ones where like my love tank is totally topped off when those things are being done consistently. And look, and I will say this because like, I used to be really bad about like, let's say just life is busy and hectic and Brent isn't meeting those love language as well. Like he's not, you know, putting effort into quality time. He hasn't written me a note in a while. Like he hasn't done that. I used to get really. Bitter and resentful of like, well, he should just know this by himself. Like he should just figure it out that he hasn't. And I drop all these like subtle hints and he wouldn't pick it up. And I would get more and more frustrated and angry and bitter about it. And then finally I just realized like now you guys, if it's been a while, like I'll literally, which it may be, maybe I'm not supposed to do this, but I'll literally come up to him one day and I'll just say, Hey, I just want to let you know, like you haven't written me a note in a while. And. Like I miss that and I appreciate it when you do that. So I'm not asking for what in this moment, because that would be weird, but just keep that in mind that like, you know, store that in your memory that like, uh, you know, sometime I would like that. It'd be nice to have that. Or like, Hey, I haven't, you know, we need to go on a date and you haven't initiated that conversation and we haven't made, so I want to go on a date with you, like, let's sit down and do that. And so like, I'm just very blunt and forthcoming about the fact that. Hey. I'm feeling tapped out and emotionally like empty in my like love tank. And so like, I'm giving you the heads up that that's happening. And so now it's your job as my husband to take that and do something about it. Right. And so I think that that's super important for women because we as women, I think like, Cause I struggle with this too, where it's like, he should just know he should know he should pick up on the signals. He should do that. And like, even, I mean, like simple things,
Brent:but that's taking it personally. Right. And like we talked about in whatever other podcasts, like if you're going to, if you're going to be, um, in a relationship or married to someone, it's really not good to be taking things personally, you know, because at the end of the day, that person should be looking out for you. Not. Not trying to cut you down. So taking things personally makes it really complicated. So
Lindsey:it is, it's hard. I don't even think it's taking it personally. It's just that like, my feelings get hurt. Like, I'm not like, Oh, he's doing this pointedly to hurt me. Like that never crosses my mind. It's more that like, Oh, my feelings are hurt because he hasn't come up on his own that like, man, I haven't bought her flowers in a while. And like in every rom com, it just happens like that, where he just, the Suddenly remembers that like, Oh, I need to buy her flowers. And so, but that's just not real. I think we
Brent:have realistic expectations, but we're definitely in a cottage in England for sure.
Lindsey:But I guess I'm using that as an example of like, it's not that I'm like, I think it's just, you have to be, you have to ask for what you want. And sometimes like, again, it's not, we, we, as women kind of think that you're going to, it's going to just instinctually happen. And that's because we would think about it for you. But I've learned. With you and I think it's I I hate to make a generalization, but just talking to other women I think it's for most men in general. Like sometimes I literally have to be super specific about this is what I need This is what I need help with This is what I miss and like lay it out because you're sometimes you're not going to figure it out And then we just both end up angry and pissed off if that makes sense.
Brent:Oh, yeah I'll I would absolutely on behalf of the male race. I will speak to this for sure It is not realistic for you guys to You Speak to us in riddles. Okay. We, we like to just be blunt and told what, um, what you need or what's going on. Right. If you speak to me in riddles, I'm like, listen, my brain is maxed out from the children. I don't have time to figure out, um, if red plus blue is red. Is equal to, uh, 74. Like I don't, I don't, I don't have, what's I don't, I don't have that time. Only one of
Lindsey:our favorites is like, Oh, look. Susan's husband just bought her flowers and like showing you the picture. Like, isn't that so nice? And you as a man, it's probably going to be like, Oh yeah, that's great. And totally miss the fact that I'm literally trying to show you like, buy me some fricking flowers. Do you understand? Like, this is what I want. And what I should have just said is like, Hey, Susan's husband just bought her flowers. I would really love it. Like I feel so loved whenever you buy me flowers. It would be great if you start buying me flowers. Yeah, but
Brent:I would, I would stray away from saying Susan's husband because I'd be like, well, then you should have married Susan's husband. You know what I mean? No, like I think what it is is whenever you have, whenever there's something that's missing, right? I think you need to be like, Hey, you used to do this and I really appreciated it. And I'd love it. Um, If you started doing that again, like I really missed that, you know, like being sincere, you know, like I wouldn't come to you and be like, Hey, I heard so and so's wife is knocking boots with him all the time. You're like, well, you should have married so and so's wife. You know what I mean? So that's
Lindsey:a good, that's a good comeback with that. So I would
Brent:just say like, if like for a guy, if, if lack of intimacy is something that you're missing, first of all, think about what are you doing? Um, what are you doing? That is speaking to her heart to, to make her needs met to where she would meet yours. If you feel like you're doing that, I mean, it's fair to bring it up and be like, Hey, look, we haven't, we haven't been intimate in a while. And I really miss connection with you. You know, I think if you go to and be like, Hey, uh, I really, I really want to get my needs met. Like you don't have to do anything. Just lay there. Like that's not, that's not, that's not I don't see that being fun for like a wife, you know, like, or like easy to hear or to receive. So I think if you're just like, Hey, I miss connection with you, you know, um, maybe just think, put some thought into that, you know,
Lindsey:you're going to get, you're going to get laid way more often if you are. If you are meeting my needs emotionally, then I'm going to feel more connected to you and therefore I want to be intimate with you. If I am just feeling like burnt out and overstimulated and I haven't had it, like, And your
Brent:tank's empty, you have nothing to give. I'm going to have
Lindsey:nothing to give to you. Right. And, or be so disconnected when I do that, I'm then going to be like, well, this is like, what is this? This is no, there's no intimacy or connection. How disappointing. Right.
Brent:And he's going to be like,
Lindsey:I am king. Oh my gosh. Anyway. I am man. We're going off to another tangent.
Brent:But no, the only reason I use that one is because like literally that's probably
Lindsey:a very common complaint.
Brent:It's probably the most common complaint that I would bet for men. But part of that is because guys ourselves aren't doing enough to meet the needs of our wives. Right. Right. And a lot of times for women, if they want certain things, they need to do more to meet the needs of their man. And then he's gonna be like, man, like he's gonna feel that connection and want to do more for her. So the whole focus really is on what can I do? What can I do for my spouse? Or what can, yeah, essentially what can I do for my spouse? What can I do for my kids? What? So how are you serving them to eventually be served later
Lindsey:and it will come back to you? You know, it will come back to you. You don't have
Brent:to go in with that expectation. I would actually encourage you not to. I would say do it out of pure, out of pure, unconditional love. Like, I don't want, I don't need anything in return, but I'm gonna do this for you guys because I love you anyway, and I think, I think that'll be reciprocated back to you. But if you can speak to their hearts. Um,
Lindsey:but yeah, I mean, you guys, so to kind of like sum it all up, I mean, we're, we really have been, I feel like the five love languages, you know, we've kind of gone, we've used them, we've kind of gone into multiple different directions with this, but really physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts and quality of time for the most part, I feel like most people, you Give and receive love through one of these five ways. And it's super important, you know, in your marriage, in the friendships you have, in the relationships with your children to, to hone in and really kind of, you know, be attuned to the, to the, the way that they give and receive love. That way, whenever you are giving them love, um, You're doing it in a way that makes the most impact, right? And you're not, you know, essentially wasting your time and your effort, um, and being open and communicating with your other, with your significant other and with your friends and with your children, you know, Hey, this is, How do you feel most loved? This is how I feel most loved. Like, let's like, cause if you don't feel like you are, if you, if you feel like you and your, your relationships, your partner, whoever you're, you're missing the mark and you're not communicating well and you're for whatever reason, you know, not meeting each other's needs and meeting, And it's like, you know, filling that love tank up effectively, then I think a conversation needs to be had on like, Hey, let's look at these, you know, there is a book, the five love languages, but honestly, like, and it's a great book. Don't get me wrong. I definitely
Brent:encourage reading it because the more familiar you can get with it, the easier it's going to be to, to notice the way that, uh, your spouse has spoken to you for sure. Or, or the way you're, the way you get spoken to, you know, I
Lindsey:don't think you have to read it though. I definitely think it would be more beneficial to read it, but you can just, I mean, they're pretty self explanatory, but just kind of going back and, and. And learning that about each other and just hey, let's sit down and have this You know, maybe awkward a little bit hard conversation and you know rip off the band aid that way moving forward We can we can love each other better and more more effectively um and getting the most bang for our buck basically with with this relationship because a lot of times when brent and I aren't seeing Eye to eye, like if we look back at it, it's because we haven't been You know Speaking to each other,
Brent:catering to each other's love languages for sure.
Lindsey:That's exactly right. And the same thing with our kids. I mean, as we're, as our children are getting older, you know, we're having to put effort into speaking to them. that they're going to receive it and they're going to feel the most loved. And I feel like that that is super, super important. So the book is the five love languages by Gary Chapman. I'm pretty sure he actually has like some other books like the five love languages for children that where he kind of dives into examples of like, this is how you can do it for your children. I don't know if those are all necessary, but again, I've heard good things about all of them. So, um, but yeah, I, I think, do you have anything else you want to say? I mean, I feel like we,
Brent:Um, I mean, just the obvious that you're incredibly good looking right now. I've just been staring at you from across this table, ready to jump on you girl. Oh my God.
Lindsey:Okay. So we're going to, we're going to stop it right there. But, um, okay you guys. So that's it. That is the words of affirmation, babe. Words of affirmation. There you go. Thank you. Talking about physical touch. Perfect. Okay. All right, you guys. So thank y'all for listening. Um, this is the good years podcast. Um, make sure to follow us on Instagram. We're at the good underscore years. We also have our podcast, the good years podcast. Make sure to subscribe to it on Spotify and Apple podcasts. And I think we have a YouTube channel now. We have a YouTube
Brent:channel where anytime we're going to record and there's going to be, um, any kind of like camera recordings, we're going to make sure we start putting those podcasts out on there. Cause the idea is to eventually get to that, where we have, um, It's going to be the audio versions. And then there's video versions too, that way you can watch them. So we have one up there with our good friend, Brian Malonso. That was really good. So he's, uh, he's the first one up on the YouTube channel. So, um, that's on YouTube. We have a Tik TOK now. Um, I don't know how to work it yet, but, uh, we have
Lindsey:it there.
Brent:I uploaded one video and I can't figure out how to do it again. So
Lindsey:we're so old,
Brent:man.
Lindsey:Okay. Well, yeah. So y'all follow us on all of our socials. We're kind of slowly expanding a little bit at a time and adding more ways that you guys can get connected with us, but we always do love, you know, hearing from you guys, getting DMS, getting, you know, reviews on our podcasts, all of those things really mean a lot and help us to continue to grow this community. So, um, but, uh, but that's it. Y'all thank y'all for listening later. All right. This podcast is sponsored by Great Harvest Bread Company. Oh yes, oh my gosh, their Bayou Bars are the best. I mean, you guys, just picture this like ooey gooey oatmeal bar topped with fruit. It is like the most decadent indulgence, I think, in town. I know, I get them for clients probably a couple of times a week and they go crazy when I bring them in. It pulls them all out of their offices. They love them. Um, and as a bread and carb expert, I can tell you that they have the best fresh baked bread in Lafayette. I'm telling you, it's so good. Um, for every holiday, I'm in charge of bringing the bread because again, I am an expert and I get the potato rolls. I'll get whatever, 20, 30 of them, put them in the oven. Uh, whenever we get where we got to go and, uh, whenever we pull them out, they're gone in no time, they're so good. And, uh, I gotta say, uh, great harvest is owned by probably the most handsome man in Lafayette, Mr. Brian Malonso. He is a stud. So if you, So seriously, on a real note, the people there that work there, they are so kind and so warm and so welcoming when you come in, they really treat you like you're, I mean, just so important as a customer and everything you'd expect from like a, a warm and cozy bakery, like local bakery kind of vibe. So, um, you guys be sure to check them out. Um, if you're local in the area, we highly, highly recommend them. Yep. 854 College Saloon Road in Lafayette. That's it. Tell them we sent you. Yep. The good years.
