Journaling, Grief, and Finding Your Way Back with Toni Sullivan

This episode is one of the rawest, realest, and most important ones we've shared.

We sit down with Toni Sullivan—emotion coach, kids yoga teacher, and founder of Creative Holistic Intentions—for a deep, no-filter conversation about mental health, grief, emotional regulation, and healing through holistic practices.

Toni shares her lived experience with depression, including a recent crisis that led to hospital admission. 

With grace and brutal honesty, she talks about the reality of living with grief after the loss of her son, navigating identity after leaving her long-time job, and how journaling, meditation, and community became the anchors that saved her life.

You'll hear us cover:

• How depression can spiral without the right supports in place
• The life-changing power of journaling and writing things down by hand
• Why holistic therapy offers tools mainstream systems often miss
• The importance of creating rituals that help regulate emotion and reconnect to purpose
• How parents can model emotional literacy for their kids, even while healing themselves

This is a must-listen for parents, carers, coaches, and anyone who has ever felt broken or lost.

If this episode resonates with you or someone you love, please share it. We’ve included mental health support links below.

📍 Support Resources (Australia):

• Lifeline: 13 11 14
• Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636
• Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800
• Mental Health Emergency: Call 000

🎧 Subscribe, share, and tag us on Instagram @thekidzcoach so we can continue creating spaces for these conversations.

Connect with Nichole Hamilton:

Website: https://www.thekidzcoach.com.au/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/nichole.hamilton.587
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thekidzcoach_nichole_hamilton/

Want to be a guest on The Nichole Show?
Email: thenicholeshow@gmail.com

Transcript

0:25

Welcome back guys to the Nichole Show where we open our hearts and minds and our intention here is to share some knowledge so that you guys don't feel alone. Uh, in session today, I have beautiful Toni Sullivan, who is the emotion coach, and we've known each other a good couple of years. Now, I've been lucky enough to have you in some of my programs, but I'd love for you to introduce yourself to our listeners, Toni. Thanks, Nic. Yeah, so I'm Toni Sullivan. As Nic said, I am the emotion coach. I, um, have a business with my husband, which is called Creative Holistic Intentions. And basically exactly what the, the name says, it's about holistic, uh, creative, uh, therapies and the way that we work with people and setting our intentions for, for best outcomes for people. I love that. I love that. And you know, that holistic world is my jam. Like I just light up when we start playing with energetics and languages and different therapies. Uh, what for you, like, why is it so important to, to have, you know this in your life with you and your husband, but why holistic? Like, what does that mean for you? For, especially for some of our listeners, they're like holistic. What does that mean? Yeah. I have worked in the age, care and disability sector for like a really long time. So that kind of journey began 35 years ago when my brother was born with Down Syndrome. Mm. And um, so engaging therapies, therapies as such was always about your ot, your speechy, you, you, whatever. And, um. Then I had my own children and my, one of my daughters has, uh, an intellectual disability and has ADHD. And again, it was so focused on those mainstream therapies. Um, for me, as I've got older. And I've seen the journey of my children and where it's taken them and other people's children, I've thought, what if we instilled different practices and different, um, therapeutic, um, uh, things in their lives? Would, would it be a different outcome? So. So when I talk about therapies, I do talk about, you know, journalings of therapy, um, meditations of therapy, um, breath works of therapy. Yeah, that's the holistic component where we look at the whole body, not just our speech, not just. The way that we walk or the way that we do things, our brain, um, how our brain is wired and how it can change, um, by breathing differently, by, you know, getting everything out of our head by writing it down. So yeah, that, that's what I think about when I think about holistic. Yeah, I love that. I love that. And you know, for me, I am definitely a feeling person, uh, ADHD, very empathic. And I just, I didn't know. Wine back in 2013. I had no idea about any of this stuff. None. You know, I grew up corporate. Um, you know, you know, you, you find your person, you, you get married, you have your kids and you get a job. Like that was kind of my mindset, my, my belief system. Um, you know, worked in federal government and hold it. Like I hadn't even heard of it. I had not even heard of it. And when, for me. That medical system didn't work. Like holistic therapy is just what made me feel better, you know? And for me, I'm so god damn thankful that I, and it was again, by chance that I met a hypnotherapist. I had no idea what it was. I, the guy looked at me and I thought, and he was energetic, but I thought he was like, I felt the tingles. I looked into his eyes. And I thought that he was doing like he obviously was, and, but I, my soul was calling that. And so for me, holistic practices are helping people come back to their body in whatever modality, whether it's breath or hypnotherapy or languages or inner child or it's the unconscious work. It's where the body and the the mind do start regulating together and a lot of these practices can be found. From, you know, you know, different cultures, different countries, but they, they come in and a lot of the stuff, as I said, it's just, it's free. Like it's not medicine based. It's not, you know, get another prescription, do this. Like a lot of this stuff, like even exercise, can be a holistic practice. And so for me, um, sharing when I went through such heartache and such a journey. D different holistic modalities across the board, um, just became my mission, you know, it really did. And so I love the fact that, you know, this is now such a big practice in Australia and there's some beautiful, you know, coaches and healers and different things out there. I'd love to know what your favorite, or what your, yeah. What your favorite go-to holistic practice for you is at the moment. Yeah. Um, so before I get into that, Nic, I just wanna say I love. One of the things I love the most about it is how it empowers people. So, as you said, we are not giving someone a script and saying, come back in six months. We're actually empowering people to utilize the tools that they already have inside them. We are just, we are just showing them the way, and I, that's what I love about it. They don't have to come back again. They don't, you know, whatever. Yeah, that's totally cool. And that, that empowerment's the, the key thing for me. Um, okay. Your question was, um, what's your favorite one that you are using at the moment? So, just, yeah, me, um, journaling and meditation, um, are the, the go-to every morning. I am a completely different person in my day if I don't have at least 15 to 20 minutes to be able to. To just write down what's in my head, my feelings, my intentions for the day. So I always write my intentions to for the day, and it literally might be to, um. It might be to get my bookwork done or, but it might also be to breathe, to be energetic, to choose love. Um, those kinds of things. So little tingles. I love that. And these are some simple things that people can just do. Like a lot of these holistic practices are pretty well free. Like you said, they come maybe once or they. Grab a YouTube or they listen to something like this. And these are things that you can be doing. And a lot of the holistic community stuff is literal things that are in our own environment that we can't practice as we can do ourself. Yeah. Yeah. So, and for me, I've, uh, my journey, um, my, my personal journey, I've, I've suffered from depression, majority of my adult life, probably throughout my, um, younger years as well. Um. I know I'm in a good place when I can take the time to sit and journal and, and breathe and meditate mm-hmm. And take that, that time, that's when I know I'm in a good place. Mm-hmm. And when I'm not, when I stop doing those things, I need to actually say to myself, Hey, tomorrow morning you're getting up early, you're gonna do this stuff. It's going to make you feel better. And as soon as I do it. I'm just like a completely, it's crazy how different I am. Yeah, I love that. And for those, again, listening at home, like how, you know, do you have any tips or tricks to, to the starting of that?'cause I know myself, like my rituals change. You know, I, because I, I'm ADHD and I like to change 'em up. My paramount one is exercise. But if I skip one, which is meditation, probably, um. Things do slide like, so, you know, again, I do the same thing. I'm like, you're not pressing snooze. You're getting up, you're doing those things, but how do you like, you know, say that enough's enough or you are doing that? Like how, like what, what can be some of the reminders or helpful hints? I literally have this sitting by my bed every morning, like, so when I get up, it's the first thing I grab. Um. And, um, my notebook was a beautiful notebook. Um, last year, I, I had some stuff going on and, um, my, my, one of my best friends in the world actually sent it to me just before. And so, um, after our hospital admission, um, with depression, um, it was the first thing I grabbed and, and thought, you know, I need to start doing this again because this is my, my happy place. And so there's the scribblings of a mad woman in here. Um, you know, just. Some mornings getting up and just like writing, like literally just writing words all over a page to get stuff out of my head. Um, but having it next to your bed. So it's the first thing you reach for, not your phone. That, that, that would be, no, I'm gonna do that.'cause I journaling's one thing, I, I get into little habits of it, but um, yeah, I'm probably a voice noter, but it's not the same. They say, do you know, they say when you write things down and you know, these are things that could come to fruition or just like getting it out, but they're 60% more likely to come True. Like actually 60% more likely to come true. If you write it down, it doesn't have the same effect texting it in your phone or whatever else, but physically writing it. And I've gone back to, you know, we, we look at our, uh, you know, um. Like notes in my computer and stuff like that when I've had an idea or if I go back into, uh, vision boards or whatever else. It does happen. Like it's really, it's really, really beautiful and I find that I'll write notes on my computer often and exactly what you, I forget that they're there, you know? I like, oh my God, I had that idea three years ago and I'm doing it now. Like I'm actually doing the thing. Like, how cool is that? Yep. Whereas, you know, something like this and I've got, then I've got a mini one that I have in my bag as well, um, that I just carry around with me everywhere. So if I do have an idea or something, I just pull that out. I've got, I've got multiple, so I've got these beautiful ones. So some of them have come with me, um, like my big beautiful ones and I've got such good photos. And then some of them have come with me. Um, on my plant medicine journey. So anybody, I shouldn't really do a whole podcast on that. Ah, beautiful. But yeah, there's some beautiful, so I've got some really big ones, but I'm gonna put one by the bed now. You've inspired me. Yeah. Now I've had a lot of people in my life and for this year, even, like the, the conversations that I've had and a lot of people in my life going through really deep, dark depressions, it's up to you how much you wanna share, if you've got any tips or tricks about it. But I really think it'd be helpful because there's so many people in my life and also. On this, the youth, like we have the biggest youth depression, um, suicide self-harm rate at the moment. And so for me. It's why I'm the kids' coach is like, if we bring these holistic practices to our children, perhaps they won't or they'll be able to ask for help easier. When we get to, you know, in our thirties, forties, and 50, we all suffer from it all suffered from depression. Me too. I haven't got out of bed for weeks. I've done these different things where I've just not been able to put any of my practices in place, so. Anything that you would like to share on depression or tips and tricks or anything like that, I'd really like to open the space for you, Toni.'Cause I know, I know your story's very powerful, so it's up to you what you wanna Yeah. Thank, thanks, Nic. And, and I know that you always hold a safe space. So, um, I guess, uh, as I said, I've, I've had depression, um, episodes of depression throughout my whole life. And, um. Uh, some of it probably stems back to, um, my son passed away when he was seven months old, 26 years ago. Mm-hmm. Um, and losing a child, um, as people can imagine is, is, uh, huge. Huge. Um, so some of my. My tips and tricks actually began way back then, and I didn't realize that that's what I was doing, but that's just naturally what came to me. So, um, the writing, um, it must have been three years after Jacob's passing. I'd been out at the cemetery and kind of sat out there and had a bit of a chat, and I came back home and. I just had so much going on in my head. Um, and literally the night before his anniversary, I would relive, you know, his last couple of days on earth, which were really traumatic. Like really traumatic. We're in the children's hospital. He had to have all these surgeries. It was, yeah. Um. And I would relive that whole thing in my head. And I have a bit of a photographic memory. So like literally the pictures are coming to me and, um, and I thought I just, I need to write some of this down. I just need to write it down. And I sat and just wrote his story and I wrote, you know, the medications that he had. You know, how, how much he had in medications, how often I had to give it to him, how I had to give it to him, how many trips we had to Melbourne, you know, his surgeries, what that looked like. Um, the recovery times my feelings and emotions during that time, that impact it had on my relationship with my partner. At that time, I wrote it all down. I just wrote this story. I spent a whole day just writing. Um, and after that I found that. I didn't need to remember those things to hold onto him. So it was like my head was telling me, you can't forget that part. You can't forget, you know, the a hundred micrograms of whatever that you gave him, um, when he was having that lot of chemo. You can't forget that or you'll lose him. It was like my brain was telling me that it's the PTSD part of it, right? Yeah. Have how? Oh my God. I'm just getting tingles and I will just segue for a sec. This is beautiful and powerful. My heart does break for you, so thank you for sharing this in, in this depth. But I've also worked with a quite a few mothers that have, you know, lost children. I'd love you to publish this or have it somewhere. It would be so powerful because, you know, I've never even thought about that. For other mothers, you know, or this could be another part of your programs. Um, but I, it's so powerful because no other person can support you through what you've been through except another person who's been there. Yeah. And so thank you for even just sharing it here. Yeah. But I'll be sharing this with a few other people as well. So Yeah, continue my sweetheart. And then thank you and Nic. And it's funny you say that because, um. Even though I've experienced what I've experienced, I will never have the same experience as someone else. And that's, and that's a thing that I think people forget. Uh. I'm not aware of, maybe more. Um, so the day that my, my son passed away, um, we had spent the day and, and I had to, you know, do a huge shout out to the Royal Children's Hospital in Melbourne. The way that they do end of life is amazing. It's just the most beautiful experience. Um, so we got to spend our time with Jacob, have beautiful photos, taken with him, um, really, you know, spend as much time as we wanted and then we got to choose when we left him. And, um, when we got back to our accommodation, my partner's, uh, auntie. Called and uh, I just picked up the phone naturally not thinking anything of it, and she started asking all of these questions and whatnot, and I was like. Oh, I don't know what we are doing. I don't know where we are going from here. You know, we'll probably go back to Ballarat tonight or something like that. Um, and she said something along the lines of, um, well, I've lost a child, um, and, and so I know how you're feeling right now and you can't hide from life. You have to get back to real life or something like that. And I. And this is literally 10 minutes or 15 minutes after I left my child and I just went get fucked and hung up the phone And, um. And her son, when he passed away was 27. He had died on a farm, in a farm accident. And you know, he had a life, he had all of these things. And, and that always stayed with me. You know, when, when I, when I am talking to people that have lost people thinking, yeah, I've lost someone, but my journey's very, very different to you, very, even to moms that have had miscarriages. Um, and they say, you know, you are, you know, oh, but you are. Experience was far worse than mine. And I said, oh, I, I don't know whether that's the case because, um, I got to have my Jacob for the period of time that he, and he brought me so much joy and so many life lessons. Like I wouldn't be the person I am today without him, you didn't get to see your little person. Um, so, so we really need to be mindful of that. I think that that's hundred percent. I, you know, I, I don't know why, but I always find, um, that. I am, I'm very drawn to, you know, uh, holding space for people with, with grief, and I always say, I don't know if I'm saying the right thing. If I say the wrong thing, don't, don't, you know, please let me know, but just being there because you know and bless. Your auntie or whoever it was, har, she's was doing the best she could with the skillset that she had. She wanted, she was trying to do the right thing, but Exactly. Said exactly the wrong things at the wrong, at the wrong time. Yeah. And it's a life lesson for me, Nic. Yeah. But it's like, I would never do that for another person again. I will never speak to somebody like that again. I'll always hold space. And I think that's the thing, like I always just wanna be there for somebody because I feel like some people, and perhaps that was her intention, who, who knows, but. A lot of people shy away from grief because it's so fucking terrifying and shy away from depression and all these like harder things because it is harder to hold space or we're not taught how to, and the worst thing as well is like, I'm so sorry for your loss. Well, I always say, I, you know, my heart is breaking for you, or I'm feeling for you and I'm sending you love, or something along those lines. But yeah, you're right. Everybody's journey is so different, and thank you for, you know, reframing that for people because, um, just being there for somebody continually to check in on them, asking them perhaps what they need and when they say they don't know, it's like, it's okay if you don't know, but I'm gonna check in on you again tomorrow in case you do know, like those types of things. If you don't reply, that's okay. If you don't reply for five days, I might just come knock, like, you know, all. But yeah, I, I think that, uh, holding that, holding that space and having the capacity to have those, um. Conversations are so needed, you know? Absolutely. Absolutely. So that was my sidetrack because yeah, I think it's really, really powerful. Thank you. Hey everyone, Nicholehere, and I hope you're enjoying today's episode. I just wanna take a quick moment to talk to you all. If you're finding value in our conversations and loving the raw, honest dialogues we're having here, I've got a small favor to ask. This podcast is a passion project for me, and there's nothing I love more than bringing these stories and insights to you. So if you haven't already, would you consider subscribing to our show and leaving a review? It's completely free and it doesn't take much time, but it really helps us in two big ways. It's getting the podcast in front of more listeners, which keeps our community growing. It helps us attract more amazing guests, which means we give you more value in the episodes we bring to you. Just hit that subscribe button, drop us a review, and let's keep these conversations flowing. Now let's dive right back into our episode, and thanks so much of being a part of the Nicole's show. Um, so yeah, so, uh, depression has been a part of a big part of my life for a really long time. Maybe I'll talk about the last episode for me. I love it. Um, yeah, that's probably where I feel like I wanna talk about. So, um, last year I. Um, I, so two years ago I started on this journey with you nearly three years ago, actually. That's, oh, um, um, and it really changed the way that I felt about the world and, and what you said earlier about, um, what we can do for our kids, especially in the mental health space. Um, there was stuff going on with my kids and, and it just kept coming to me, you know? What if we had instilled some different practices at an early age, what if I could be a part of that for other people? Yeah. And that's what really drew me to the kids coaching. Um, and, uh, and kids yoga, which is uh, also what I do. And, um. So that was the beginning of my journey, and I was, at the time I was, um, a manager at a not-for-profit organization, had been for a number of years, you know, loved my job. There was nothing wrong with my job. It probably didn't challenge me as much as I, I wanted it to, um, didn't bring great joy anymore. Um, it, it, I didn't get to see the people on a daily basis and, and have that impact in their life, which really I. Brought me joy and fulfilled me. Um, so when I come onto this, I, I, I was kind of like, yeah, this is my place in the world. Like it really is, and it reminded me of who I was. Mm. Um, which I feel like I'd forgotten for a really long time. And so when I, uh, at the end of last financial year in June last year. I decided that I was going to finish up and I'd given my workplace, you know, um, a lot of notice because they had to fill my shoes and, and also restructure and do some other bits and pieces. Um, so it was like a really long, drawn out process. Um, and. I in that time, uh, my ADHD definitely Sean and um, a indoor play center and cafe come up on Facebook for sale. And I literally sent it to my husband and said, I'm gonna buy this. And he wrote back low and I wrote, now I'm serious. I've asked them for all the financials. And within two weeks I purchased that. Um, so that happened in March last year. So we, we jumped into a business. Mm-hmm. And then I come to the end of my, my working life at uh, um, uh, the not-for-profit organization that I'd been at for 10 years. So I had a bit of a crisis of identity and I kind of didn't know where I. Fit in the world anymore because for such a long time, I would say I'm the proud manager of Yeah. You know, this place. Um, you know, this is what I do, this is what it looks like, and I could articulate that. And now then all of a sudden it's like, I don't know what I am. I actually don't know who I am without that. You know that title? Mm-hmm. Um. That really specific job description as such, or, or a list of tasks to do every day because I didn't have that. I literally got up and I got to do whatever I wanted to do any day and mm-hmm. You know, I could work at the tree house or I could be doing kids yoga, or I could be doing, you know, um, a session with, with, um, one of the little people that I support. So I really, I, I didn't know where I, I was in the world and so I started to question me as a person and yeah, I, it was a dark place 'cause it started to bring up probably lots of questions that I've had about myself for a really long time. Yeah. You know, am I good enough? Am I worthy enough? You know, I've been told lots of times I'm not, I've been told lots of times I'm not good enough. I don't get love from some of the people that I really want, you know, that unconditional love from. Um, so maybe there's a reason for that. Um, maybe there's actually, you know, a reason why I, I. Didn't wanna stay any longer in that role. Maybe it wasn't the right place for me'cause maybe I wasn't doing a good job. All of those things were going through my head. Yeah. Um, and I was using alcohol as a crutch at that time. Um, and it's definitely been my go-to, um, my whole life. Um. And I question whether I'm an alcoholic or whether it's an en uh, environmental, you know, factors that are causing me to drink more. You know, all of those things. That's something I still will be working on forever in a day. And, and that's amazing that, you know, I get to keep working on stuff. Amazing that you have the honesty and vulnerability to share that too.'cause a lot of people are, and you know, as soon as we say it out loud, it means that the universe and, uh, unconscious is listening. So, yeah, no, like, to be able to, to say my relationship with alcohol was not healthy. Mm. Um, and so I got, I, I was just in a really confused, emotional, crazy state where I just didn't know what I wanted to do. And that lack of what I felt like was purpose. I, I felt like I had no purpose in the world. And when we have no purpose, yeah. We ha we have no worth. Mm. We have. Yeah. And I just got to the point, and for me, I withdraw. So I withdraw. When I start getting like that, I, I start not messaging people. I, um, go quiet. I get all the things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leave the house. Did you not leave your house for a bit as well? Um, I wanted to be at my, in my house. I didn't have the opportunity to necessarily be here all of the time, purely because we were running a business as well, and it was us trying to get that up and running, but as soon as I didn't have to be there, I'd be here. Yeah. I would make excuses not to go and do stuff, and I've, I've always been community minded, so I'm on committees. I do volunteering, I do all of this stuff. All of that went by the way, I wasn't doing those things. I was making excuses not to, you know, go out for dinner with people. Um, rather than going out and having a couple of drinks with my friends, I'd sit at home and drink, you know, sadly at home by myself in the afternoon kind of thing. So, um, yeah, I just, and I got to, and some stuff happened, you know, around my old workplace as well, where some, you know, gossip and, and stuff. Was said, and because I was in such a crappy place, it really hurt. Like, it really, really hurt. Like it felt like they were questioning me and my ethics and morals as a person. And Nikki, you know me, I'm fairly genuine and upfront and honest and you get what you get and you don't get upset. Um, so that really, like, that kicked me in the guts big time.'cause I thought. But at that time, the lens that you were looking through was of no self-worth and I'm not good enough. And of course, then you then question your integrity, basically, which is another, you know, part of your identity, which you do hold yourself very accountable to. Like, you, you, you, your careers on this, so you, I get it. So it would've just, it would've snowballed the, the spiral. Yeah, completely. And um, I remember, so it was coming up to Jacob's anniversary. Oh wow. And so I had all of that happen last year. My, my pop passed away who was one of my greatest mates, was just his anniversary, um, two days ago. Actually remembered him fondly. Um, so he was one of my greatest mates to be able to go and have a chat too about staff. Um, my daughter, my, uh, youngest daughter had moved away from home. So, you know, like all, as you said, snowballed, everything was happening for me. And I remember, uh, the day before Jacob's anniversary and I just wanted to be at home. I didn't wanna engage with anyone. I didn't want, you know, and I had to go to work and I had to do some stuff and I come home and I just drank. I just drank and I know that I had a conversation with one of my ex colleagues who I'm still friends with. I'm fairly confident. I'm rang the HR manager of the organization that I worked with and, and said something to, I have no clue what I said to them. Um, I just drank and drank and, um. Then my husband come home and, um, I was asleep in like, like passed out in bed and he tried to wake me and he was really upset, uh, that I'd got to that state of obviously, and, and that I'd hiding that I was drinking too, um, because that'd been an issue previously. And, um. So he just left me to sleep. And when I did wake up and I obviously was still inebriated, I, I went out and just started yelling and screaming and saying, I don't wanna be here anymore and, and whatnot. And I said, I was, you know, saying I, yeah, I don't wanna be on this earth anymore. I, yeah, I'm done, kind of thing. And he was trying to calm me down and he couldn't calm me down. We live on a major highway, so I literally walked out. And was trying to jump in front of cars and vehicle and trucks and stuff like that. Um, and he was trying to calm me down. I'm like, no, I don't. Just don't wanna do this anymore. So he called my, my best friend, um, and, and got her to come around. And so she calmed me down and, and said, how about we just, you know, go to the hospital and, and go have a chat? And I was, okay, yeah, cool, that's fine. I just don't wanna be here anymore. Wow. Um, and so went and did an intake at the hospital and, and they popped me into the, the psych ward, um, which I. Wanted to go into I at that, even at that point in time when I was inebriated. And in that moment I knew that I needed something. Yeah, yeah. You were. Yeah. You're at breaking point. Yeah. And um, so, so I went in there, um, uh, I spent, uh, five days in, in the psych ward, which was amazing. Um, amazing especially healthcare system at this moment. So, well done. Well done. Yeah, they, they were just, um, they were just amazing and it, it's so funny, isn't it, that stigma attached to those kind of, uh, psych wards and, you know, um, mental health facilities and whatnot. It's just, I hear so mixed, mixed stories guys, like, it's not that I'm not that putting out the system down, the system itself has broken, not the practitioners, but I've heard of people being refused entry when they're at that point or they're at capacity or because you're not, you know, whatever else. Or a a a 24 hour hold and out you get and you know, an eight month waiting list for. For psychiatric, uh, yeah. Counseling or anything. So I am really glad and proud that you, you got some beautiful help there in that, in that week. Yeah. And so they changed my medication, which I beat on for a while. They upped that and, um, we, we talked lots about the alcohol and, and so I went on some naltrexone to help me kind of stop the cravings for that, which was really amazing. Um. And, and I was still engaged with a psychiatrist at that time, um, for a little bit, but they also engaged me with like the community mental health team and whatnot. So I come out of hospital on medication and um, and engaged with services, which as you say that, that's really difficult even in itself. Huge, huge. To even be able to have a conversation to, to then, like, I assume, and I could be wrong, but let me know, but there's a spiral of then guilt. Oh, afterwards and remorse. And you know, again, that spiral of like, I'm not good enough. I can't believe I did that, blah, blah, blah. I'm not deserving. And all those other things then pile up even when the help is available. And it's, so there, there's a like. You know, there's, there's that, all of those extra emotions on top of that. Like, I feel shame, shame, like even, and yeah, seven days I kind of hit out, like I literally, um, we've got, uh, a room, a couple of rooms at the tree house, but one's like our craft room where we have all of our craft bits and pieces and. Games and and whatnot. And I, um, my husband made me a bed, set up a projector on the screen, and I literally was there all day, every day just watching friends, drinking cups of tea, um, for seven days because I didn't wanna, I didn't wanna see people. I was so embarrassed. I was so embarrassed that I'd done that, that I'd. Put that shame on, you know, on people, um, that, you know, and then, you know, there's the alcoholism as well, like all of that stuff that you said, like was all happening for me. And, um, there was one day that we had, I think we had, um, a party or something going on, and so two of our team members had to come into that room to get some stuff organized. And I said to Dallas, just don't let them talk to me. Tell them not to talk to me. I don't wanna talk to anyone. And they came in and they just, they didn't look at me, they didn't engage with me. And I was like, oh, maybe they're judging me. Maybe they're like, so I had put that on myself, like I had actually like set that up for myself. And so then I just went, hi. And they're like, oh, hey, we've missed you. Mm. We love you. We are here. That's all they said. And the next, that's perfect. Yeah. Um, the next day, um, my best friend who'd been there with me that night, she literally come to the tree house and just come and sat next to me. She said, you don't have to talk, you don't have to do anything. I just love you and I'm just here. Yeah. And we just sat, we didn't talk, we didn't do anything. She just held my hand actually. Um, and that's all I needed. I just needed those people to just tell me they love me. Yeah. Yep. And, um, oh, let those little tears out. Thank you so much. This is a beautiful reminder for me and some those people that, that that's what it is like in those. Moments of massive despair and whatever the rupture or challenge that, you know, anybody listening is going through is just love, like coming back to the next love. Like, you know, when people have these, you know, you know, attempts or behaviors or whatever it is, like in, in any human being's darkness, in their, in their, in their darkest moments, that's when they need the love the most. And it's hard, like it's so hard for, you know, anybody that's experiencing that, you know, somebody that is perhaps, you know, suicidal or perhaps, you know, making poor choices or self-sabotaging or, you know, drugs or alcohol or whatever, even violence, like those things, like the most part that, that human, and I know that we are allowed to have our boundaries, but that human is just desperately wanting unconditional love, love. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And um, I'm so delighted you're here still. I'm too, Nic. I'm so glad. So glad. I'm so glad. And so I did, I continued, um, getting some support through the community mental health team. The funniest part was though I, uh, I literally had booked in for our retreats. In, um, in September, which was only a month after, um, what had happened, and I was really even on the day that I was on my way over, I was messaging you and, and the other Nic and I was like, I don't know if I can do this. Like, being around other people and all the rest of it. And it was just the best thing that ever happened for me because it allowed me that time to. Uh, one on the way over there, I listened to Gabby Bernstein's, the Universe has Got Your Back. And guys, if you, you haven't, I mean, Bernstein's amazing. She absolutely is. Like her books, her audio books and her, well, obviously her writing, she's been through it all too. She's an phenomenal coach. Absolutely. So it gave me that time, which I can't remember a time where I've had. Hours to sit and listen or read a book like I, I can't remember for years. Um, that, but being with people who didn't know me, who saw me for absolutely who I was, that's just one who were like minded, beautiful souls just reminded me of how amazing I am. And how very much worthy I am and how I am meant to be on this planet. And there's a reason for that. And, and the reason that I'm meant to be here is to help others. Yeah. And to share my journey, uh, with others so that they can understand that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Mm. I. And so when are you running your retreats then? I love that. Uh, it's definitely, uh, something that I've been working on Nic. Yeah. Um, but when I got back and went into, um, see my mental health practitioner and she's like, I think we've kind of come to the end of what we need to do. And I said, okay. And I said, oh, so like, are you going to refer me to someone? She said, I don't think you need anyone, Toni. She said. You are doing your journal work, you are meditating, you do yoga, you go for walks, you've got coaches. Mm-hmm. You, what you are doing is the best mental health, you know, practice that you could have. And I don't think that we need to do anything from our perspective anymore for you.'cause you've got it all. You're doing it all. And it was like, yeah, I've got all of this inside me. So it was that beautiful reminder that I can do, you know, I've got all of those things. It's shit that, you know, it takes a, a. But you've got everything inside you. It's just, you know, having that next to your bed, you know, not going for a walk when you, when you don't wanna, like even, so for me, and it's not, I'm not comparing, so please don't think when I share my stories, I'm comparing.'cause I, I thank you for that beautiful, powerful journey. But when I've had my minutes of like fully regressing and like. Day, like, you know how you said like laying in bed watching friends? I do that. I haven't done it for a really long time, but in the old home and you know, many moons ago, like Abby would like have to get me out the house and I'd be like, and, and I would give me such anxiety to leave the house. Like I would be the same. I wouldn't talk to people, I wouldn't have my phone, I'd turn my phone off and I would just have to watch something to keep my brain busy to focus on. So I'm sex in the city and the Gilmore Girls and whatever it is for me, all. Yeah, those all good. Go-to feel good, go-tos, easy to watch, digest. Um, oh, and um, like, I would like, just like, just getting out, like just doing a couple of steps, even if it's around the block or jumping in the car with her to, to go somewhere. Like when we're literally stuck, like in that, laying in the bed, the best thing you can do is move your body. Yeah. And it's so fucking hard. It's so hard, like even if you just need a friend to hold your hand and walk around the block. But, um, you know, I've, I don't know where the actual statistics are, but I've read it multiple times. Back in the sixties and seventies, they never prescribed antidepressants and they, and they was a study and I don't know what country it's from, but they would literally prescribe you, maybe it was Japan, I don't know. So they would prescribe you six weeks off work. And for that time you had to exercise for the first couple of weeks, you had to exercise like six or seven hours a day. Like didn't matter what you're doing, not strenuous, like let's go to the gym and build weights. But you had to be moving your body for that amount of time. And I could have the stats wrong guys. It's a DH, D, they might not be quite right. But moving your body. And then as you progress through the weeks, then it might be four hours a day and three hours a day, and then you could be down to one hour a day. But by that time, the neuroplasticity and the depression chemical and whatever they are no longer exist because you've built up such a stamina of the dopamine of moving your body and when we are stuck. And so these are things that you know, don't cost money. I know it's super hard, but you can get on an app and you can text somebody and say, I am looking for a walking buddy, and you know, all of that. But it makes such a powerful, powerful impact of getting out of that stuckness. Yeah. And so for me it a hundred percent like re remembering moving body is so powerful. Um, I'm super proud of you for coming to those retreat retreats and speaking your truth. Like that was what I think a powerful moment for everybody involved. And also knowing that whatever you guys are, listen, like going through as well, it, you're so worthy of having a story and somebody listening to it. Yeah. As soon as you say it out loud, like, and I'm sure it was a, a powerful moment for you, but as soon as you share your journey and, and take the sha like take your personal power back, whether it's been. Domestic violence, drug addiction, you know, depression, suicide attempts, whatever that fucking is. Whatever you've done or been through or had done to you, as soon as you actually have the power to say it out loud to somebody. It starts healing like the whole euphoric relief of like, oh my God, oh my God. Like, okay, and God is listening as soon as you say it out loud, whether you believe in God or the universe. So I'm super glad that we have this platform and that this gets to be shared because there's been a lot of this type of, um. Uh, scenarios going in, in my background. And so I think this is gonna be super powerful and I really, really appreciate you sharing this. And I think this is a definite ness for, um, for you writing this or creating a program around it, vapes. So well done. Well done for putting those practices together. You know, even an ebook or something, I don't know, but I can definitely see this is very, very powerful. So did you write it down? So you gonna write a book or like a Yeah, I, it came to me straight up, like also not only like, I think you've got many chapters, like I'd love to. If you could even send me the thing you read about Jacob, but, um, it's so powerful. Like there's multiple chapters in your journey. Their seller, like Gabby Bernstein, who knows. I love you. I love, I love that, and I just wanna share this as well. I did that in a session the other day. Like, this person, this, you know, this, this person, it just came through to me. It's not something that I normally do, but I just sat there and I repeated to them that I love them, that I'm a safe woman, I'm a safe human, that I can hold space for them and I love them. And I mean that, like, I believe one of my superpowers is unconditional love. And you know, we have a scale of what's, you know. You know, some humans have never had that, and I literally just kept it on repeat until that person let it in. And I think that's a big thing. So if you are not hearing it enough today, you are loved, like you are so loved, whoever you are, wherever, wherever this is landing, um, not only by me and Toni, but by other. Souls around the world if you haven't called in, your people that you know, they're still out there. And also remember that your soul loves yourself like we came through this to, to be, to be on this earth and to live our journey. And you absolutely have love in your heart to be able to get through anything as well. Mm, wow. Very powerful, my friend. Very, very powerful. I, um. I feel complete. I feel complete. Uh. I will put a disclaimer at the beginning of this as well, and I also will pop all the bits and pieces down, Toni, and I'll do a bit of a collab, uh, in regard to like Lifeline and a few other numbers. So please have a look at the links below and please, please, you know, reach out. You can DM either one of us. We'll put up both of us socials on there as well. Um, I think that you might get a few, uh. Sessions out of this because I really see this being a powerful part of your story and a platform for you, Toni, and it's an honor, like it's an absolute honor to be a part of your universe and see you grow and thrive and you've always had this beautiful, yeah, this it. I'm so glad that you've worked out who, who you are again. But you know, for me, the energy that you bring, the way that you speak, the love that you have, the wealth warrior knowledge, you know, the things that you've been through definitely come through. So wishing you all the success and um, yeah, for listening to us guys.