Ep 44 - Keeley: Hovering Above Rock Bottom (part 1 of 2)

What happens when you spend years hovering just above rock bottom—saved again and again, but never truly changing

In this episode, Keeley Bell shares his raw and unfiltered story of growing up in a home marked by abuse and alcoholism, losing both parents before adulthood, and turning to substances to survive unbearable pain. He opens up about the patterns he carried into marriage and fatherhood—and the moment his wife leaving forced him to finally confront himself. This episode offers deep insight into generational trauma, unresolved grief, and the wake-up call that precedes real transformation.

What if the real danger isn’t hitting rock bottom—but hovering just above it for decades?

⚠️ Content Advisory - This episode contains discussions of:

• Trauma and mental health challenges
• Family conflict
• Suicide

🔗 Links & Resources

If you want to know more:

🌐 G.R.I.T. 
📧 keeley@silverbackgrit.com
📸 Facebook
🔗 LinkedIn
📸🌈 Instagram

⸻
Explore the tools and books Keeley shared in this episode:

How to Make Shit Happen by Sean Whalen

Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford 

Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey

Your World Within Podcast with Eddie Pinero 

75 Hard by Andy Frisella

Andy Frisella Podcast

HTL Athletics

Your Story Church

Pastor Donnell Mann, Monomyth Diaries Podcast, episodes 18-20

Transcript

0:00

But I don't hate the life that I came up with. It did pose some challenges. It did pose some hard times internally and externally.

0:10

10 seconds

But I wouldn't change it because looking at it now, the position that I'm in at 45, the life that I have now, the the

0:18

18 seconds

job that I have now, the business that I'm building now is all because of that single road.

0:23

23 seconds

Grit wouldn't mean anything if I didn't have that childhood. It might mean something depending on the life that you

Chapter 2: Intro

0:30

30 seconds

had in your 20s and 30s, but the fact that I can rewind mine all the way back, it it just adds that validity.

0:37

37 seconds

Hi everyone and welcome to the Monmouth Diaries, the podcast where ordinary people get to share their hero's journey. I'm Mandy and I'm Rachel and

0:45

45 seconds

we'll be your host. We'll discover powerful insights, critical moments of growth, and much more. Thanks for joining us. We all have a monoth to

Chapter 3: Monomyth Story Starters

0:53

53 seconds

share and someone out there needs to hear it. Haley, welcome to the show. We're so grateful for your Yes. Yes. Well done.

0:59

59 seconds

Thank you guys. I appreciate youall having me. Um I'm looking forward to this and you guys are awesome and I like what you're about. So there's that plug. Thank you.

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1 minute, 6 seconds

You're welcome. Shameless plug. That is my shameless plug.

1:12

1 minute, 12 seconds

Yeah. But I I love who you are as a person. I love what you're about. Uh you and your husband both and and you know,

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1 minute, 19 seconds

you're inspiring change and you're helping people. And so that's that's where I'm I'm thoroughly enjoyed and excited about it. So yeah. Awesome. That's a perfect segue

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1 minute, 26 seconds

because I wanted to talk about how we know one another. Okay.

1:29

1 minute, 29 seconds

When we are finding guests, we get it two different ways. We now, being that it's our second season, have people

1:37

1 minute, 37 seconds

reaching out to us through our website and filling out an intake form. So, we have people we don't know reaching out. Other times, I chase people down.

1:46

1 minute, 46 seconds

So, I chased you down because I had an opportunity to hear you speak at a conference for work for because you and

1:53

1 minute, 53 seconds

my husband know one another and I really enjoyed what you had to say and so I chased you down and I got your wife on the show first.

2:02

2 minutes, 2 seconds

This is how it goes. You got to let her go first.

2:05

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Yes. So, after I met you and heard your story, you said, "Hey, you got to meet my wife, Tara." And we hit it off right off the bat. That was awesome. And so

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2 minutes, 14 seconds

she was on in season two and you're going to air later, maybe in season two,

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2 minutes, 19 seconds

maybe season three. We don't really know yet. So just keep that in mind. Absolutely.

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2 minutes, 23 seconds

So for our listeners who haven't heard Tara's episodes, go back, have a listen.

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2 minutes, 27 seconds

You'll be able to put some of these puzzle pieces together, right? About how you and Tara get connected,

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2 minutes, 33 seconds

actually disconnected and then connected because that's really what the story was.

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2 minutes, 38 seconds

That's what the magical story was really all about, right?

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I'm going to need that tissue box at some point. We're all going to need it.

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2 minutes, 46 seconds

But that's and that's the way I like to see our journey together is what should have started as a connection, which it did to an extent or we wouldn't have

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gotten married and had the family we had. It started as a as a honeymoon connection and then just kind of got disconnected with some of the things

3:02

3 minutes, 2 seconds

that I was doing and some of the things that were going on internally with with her and then me as well. But then that reconnection is the most important part and that's where we're at right now. So,

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3 minutes, 11 seconds

and it's funny how it does work out,

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right? It's it's those connections of people and how you know and yes, you did chase me down, but God put web in my life to to show me things that I needed

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3 minutes, 21 seconds

to be taught from a different standpoint of view in life, which then turned into what now has turned into a friendship,

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3 minutes, 27 seconds

which has turned into us connecting and finding out that story, which has turned into this, and who knows what the possibilities are later, you know. Yeah.

3:35

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Amen.

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We had a guest on the show once call it the pingpong balls of God. He just keeps popping ping pong balls down and

3:42

3 minutes, 42 seconds

bouncing around. So I call him the road. You're gonna have three options. You're gonna have a left,

3:47

3 minutes, 47 seconds

a right, and a straight. Neither one is necessarily the correct one. It's it's a, you know, free will. And God gives us that free will. You can go left, you can go right, or you can go straight.

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3 minutes, 56 seconds

I gave you all the signs to go in the direction I need you to go in,

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but free will kicks in and we decide to go down a different road. But we all tend to tend to make those turns and and basically come back home, as you like to

4:07

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call it, right? and come back to the center of where we need to be. So true, huh? I'm kind of philos philosophical. Yeah, it was nice. I like that.

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4 minutes, 15 seconds

Let's edit that part cuz I totally missed that word at the beginning. And you're so easy to listen to. Yeah, you are.

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4 minutes, 23 seconds

Wish my wife could hear that. She will. Hey, Tara. All right. Well, we should mention that,

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4 minutes, 31 seconds

too. You're the only husband wife guests that we've had so far. In next season,

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4 minutes, 36 seconds

we will have another actually a husband and a wife come on the show together. Be great.

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4 minutes, 39 seconds

Tara and I talked about doing that with you. That'd be awesome. I'd love that. Be fun.

4:43

4 minutes, 43 seconds

Yeah, that'd be I I think I what would actually what I think would actually be a really good benefit for your for your audience probably is is maybe do those

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two individual pieces or three individual pieces and then bring all three couples together and just big massive. That'd be really cool.

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4 minutes, 59 seconds

Yeah. Yeah.

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5 minutes

You know what they say, build your table. If you want people to really listen, you build your own table and then see what people come. So, that's what I'm trying to do.

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5 minutes, 7 seconds

There you go again. Love it. Shameless plug.

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5 minutes, 11 seconds

Well, we're going to segue into our Mona story starters. Just a series of quick questions to get you comfortable. Okay. Which we know you're not uncomfortable.

5:19

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Yeah. We've already kind of broke the ice here. Get Rachel comfortable. Yeah, we need to get comfortable. No. All right. Fire away. Rachel. Fire away.

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5 minutes, 25 seconds

Favorite childhood game or toy?

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There was a lot. Uh, so I I loved playing sports. I was a sports kid. Um, like any sport in particular?

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5 minutes, 34 seconds

Baseball and football were my Okay, nice.

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Two things. Um, I dabbled a little bit in tennis, but then started realizing that big boys can't play tennis. So hard to jump around, run around all good at it. Um,

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yeah. Hold on. If if you're watching this on YouTube, you will know that you are a very fit human being. But if you're listening to it on Apple or Spotify, you are super super fit.

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I've I've lost 60 pounds in in actually one year. So, I was when we first ran into each other at the

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the corporate event, um I was at 260 at that point, 265. I'm now down to 227.

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Wow, that's awesome. Good for you.

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6 minutes, 11 seconds

Yeah, but I can't imagine you losing weight because you're so physically fit. Well, and that's just, you know,

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shameless plug here and off-topic questions, but that's what grit is all about. So, we go off the topic all the time. Yeah, no worries.

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Grit is is mental resilience and through physical discipline. If your body, your mind, your spiritual life, and your

6:31

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emotional life are all connected, and also you can throw in business or work with that, too. If they're all aligned and you're trying to focus on one, the others will fall in place.

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6 minutes, 43 seconds

If you start falling out of one, you know that you will have to rob Peter to pay Paul. Yeah.

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6 minutes, 49 seconds

So, an example would be, you know, I'm not I'm not going to work out today. I feel really tired. That's called listening to your body. That's totally

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acceptable. But when that starts turning into a week or two weeks or three weeks, now it's starting to become a habit.

7:03

7 minutes, 3 seconds

Well, then you start robbing other areas, your relationship with your wife or your husband,

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7 minutes, 8 seconds

now you've got to rob from that because now you're bringing down the entire energy. And so that's just how grit works. That's really what's helped me

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change is is focusing in and zoning in and understanding what I can bring to the table for people, but just me me more importantly, is how can I continue

7:24

7 minutes, 24 seconds

to get all these buckets to work together. I am not a believer in work life balance. I don't think that actually exists. I think there is a way

7:32

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to find a very fine and non-defiant line.

7:36

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But to actually say, I'm cut off. I'm done with work. That is it for the day. We all don't live in that world anymore.

7:43

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Yeah. So, have you always been a bodybuilder or did you just do this start start doing this like a year ago when you lost all the weight?

7:48

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I've been So, my father did not let me pick up a weight until I was 16, which I which I loved about it, you know, I respected him on that. Um, so that's

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when I started hitting the gym really hard, getting ready for football and baseball. After high school, I started doing strongman championships where they pull the trucks and do the boulders and

8:05

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stuff like that. So I was doing that and then did my first powerlifting meet at 35. Did my first Spartan run at 35.

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Uh, and since then I've done five Spartan races, one more powerlifting meet, and then I'm doing a high rock next month. So that's going to be really

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fun. And if you don't know what a high rock is, especially for the people in the audience, it's if CrossFit and Spartan race had a baby. That sounds intense.

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And really cool shameless plug about that is is one of my very very close friends who I consider a brother now,

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Eddie Panero, is actually going to be joining me on that high rock journey.

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8 minutes, 39 seconds

And Eddie is a very very successful YouTube. He's got a million followers on YouTube. He's very motivational. He's amazing individual. And uh he did a high

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rock in Phoenix a couple weeks ago. And then he calls me up said, "When is yours?" I said, "It's in March." He goes, "Dude, I'm coming. We're gonna do it." I was like, "All right, cool." So,

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he's coming in March. So, it's gonna be really cool.

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What's the name of his podcast? Because Terara talks about Eddie. Yes.

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So, Eddie Panero is the uh podcast is Your World Within. It is a big massive go-to for me when I'm walking, running,

9:09

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when I'm doing my other stuff, when I'm doing my other extracurricular. When I'm in the gym, I got to I got to focus in on music. I love you, Eddie, but it's

9:16

9 minutes, 16 seconds

got to be music for me. It's got to be AC/DC. It's got to be, you know, old school just stuff, right? But then there are those days like Fridays where it's

9:23

9 minutes, 23 seconds

not really just not really feeling the music. Well, I'll put his YouTube channel on. But if I'm walking or running or doing sprints or anything away from the gym side of it, then I'll

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plug his his uh his YouTube channel on and and we'll just it's it's pretty it's get you motivated and all that. Yeah.

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9 minutes, 41 seconds

And it's not just a gym thing. It's a it's just a life thing. One of the examples that I've loved that he's talked about and has really kind of been

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a real motivation for me, which I'm sure you're doing with your audience, too.

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I've heard some of y'all's amazing podcast, so y'all are doing it as well.

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Uh, and hopefully growing to that next journey like Eddie has.

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10 minutes

That's our goal. He brought this one up about the ladder of life and how you have all these smooth rungs when you're a little kid and you're walking up it

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and everything's perfect and just the way it's supposed to be, but then you get to that point in life where maybe the screw on the ladder leg is just off

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just a little bit and then the rung gets broken and snapped and then another rung is just all rough and you're climbing that ladder of life. It's it's pretty

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pretty awesome. One of the things that he said on his podcast that has stuck with me and he tells me on the phone all the time is,

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you know, man, you're one decision away from changing your entire life. You just don't know it. It's just stuck. It's stuck with me.

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That's a I mean, that's a really good one because be a good guy to maybe get on here because his story is pretty impeccable, too.

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Yeah, he's pretty amazing. I've gone back and listened to a couple of them since Cara. I tried to as people talk about the tools that they've used to go and check them out.

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Yeah, he was a lifesaver. So, we can talk more about that when those come up because I'm sure those questions will come up and I'm sure his name is going to come out again. So, baseball. Yeah, baseball. Okay.

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Baseball.

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We always sidetrack all the time. So, if time travel were possible, which era would you visit? Oh,

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that's a good one.

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I'm going to get a lot of flack for this probably and it's probably because of the people I'm going to mention.

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11 minutes, 19 seconds

So if I could go back one period in time, it would be during the industrial revolution. I want to stand face to face with John D. Rockefeller. I want to

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stand face to face with JP Morgan. I want to stand face to face with Andrew Carnegie. I want to see how these guys live, thought, worked, their passion

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behind the industrial revolution, the the whole think and grow rich mentality. I'm going to speak this into existence.

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I'm going to pray for it through God and I'm going to work until I die until I achieve it. Okay. What's one thing on your bucket list?

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One. Really? One? Yep. Just you get one. You just get one.

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I don't really know. I feel like I'm like, what would be the thing that you just You can't leave this life without it. You got to do it.

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I got to Okay. Well, if you're asking that kind of a question and I just have to do it at least one time,

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this is going to sound very conceited as hell,

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but I want to I want to fly private one time.

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Okay. Oh, yeah. I don't care where it's at. And I know that's that's very achievable.

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But just to have that feeling because again, I'm I'm a big believer in manifestation and visualization. Like for an example, I want to go to a Ferrari dealership and sit in a Ferrari.

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Not because I actually am going to physically buy one one day, but I just want to know what it feels like. We can do that today.

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That way, well, I need Yeah, I need to know what it feels like because that way when I do have that opportunity to walk in there, I know I can buy it. It's just

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that. And so I want to know that this life is achievable. I want to fly on a private plane. You already know that it is. Yeah,

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that's cheesy. But I also want to I want to go to Ireland and and visit Ireland for two weeks.

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12 minutes, 53 seconds

Okay. What is one word your friends would use to describe you?

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I can't say it probably. My close friends, I definitely can't say what they would say. You could say it. We'll edit it out.

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Yeah. Um what's another one?

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I Well, I think it would depend. I think it depends on which group of friends.

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No, no, no. I think it depends on what what period of life, right? my period of life at the beginning, especially with Terra probably all around good dude,

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funny to be with. Maybe that was kind of a thing. Good time guy.

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Yeah. Um can be annoying because he outstays his stay a little bit,

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especially when two in the morning rolls around. He's still drinking and hammering him back and we're all ready to go to bed.

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But I think now I think the way they would one word would probably be resilient.

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That's a good one. That's brought that's what brought you here. Say a movie you can quote by heart. Okay.

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That's a good question.

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That can't that can't be a movie. So, I got to give you a backstory on that. So,

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there is a group of friends of mine that we all used. There was four of us.

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And as cheesy as this sounds as being late 30 year olds, early 40 year olds, cuz I was in my early 40s, too, still. We would watch WWE pay-per-view events,

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okay? We were still all in it. Um,

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and there was one time we all went, we went to our buddy's house and we we all all four of us together can literally quote movies just left and right.

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So, we decided to play a game that night and the game was we could use any movie quote

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it and you could not use more than 10 quotes from a specific movie.

Chapter 4: Early Years and Hovering

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14 minutes, 30 seconds

Um, and it had to fit the storyline of the wrestling match that's going on or the event that's going into it. So, we started keeping tallies. We came up with

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497 quotes from 68 different movies. We were just like, "This is incredible." And so, we took that as like,

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you know, gold star. We We all took it to our wives and they were like, "Y'all are absolutely dumb. Like, this is what y'all do." It's like, "This is why it's a guy's night." So, uh,

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Top Gun, Tropic Thunder, Rocky, uh,

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there's just there's too many. I can't name one.

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Yeah, that's okay. We'll just move on to the next one then. How about sneakers or bare feet? Oh, I got to have shoes on. What's a fear you've overcome?

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Failure. City lights or starry lights? Depends on the mood.

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Yeah, I get that cuz I I love I love the skyline in New York City. I love seeing it. But I also love being at our aunt and uncle's house

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in Kingsbury and seeing nothing but stars on their land.

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What's your favorite thing about your hometown? The Friday Night Lights.

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Okay. Love that one, too. That was my favorite thing too when my kids were in school.

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Driving by Legacy Stadium and seeing that big massive sea of red in the stands is there's just nothing like it. Born and raised Texas.

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Are you born and raised Texas? Terara said the same thing about the Friday Night Lights and I didn't really understand that. I'm not from here and I think football is so much bigger here.

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It is. Especially high school football.

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Yeah. Oh, I missed that. My sons played football and man, I was there every Friday with my game, my gear on, my t-shirts, my face painted with their Oakidge High School colors and and all that stuff. And I missed that so much.

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The every Friday night we were there on the field. Okay. What's your favorite scent? Leather. I thought you were gonna say Terra.

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I was thinking the same thing. I was thinking the same thing. I'm like, she's not going to say as much.

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I can't I can't because she she changes from day to day, too. It just depends on Oh, does she change her perfume? Yeah. Yeah.

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She's got one in particular. She's got one in particular. If I'm not mistaken,

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she's going to kill me for not remembering, but I remember. I had to go to four different stores to try and find it during Christmas. Um,

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well, there's so many out there. My gosh, the Louis Vuitton one.

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Yeah. Um, I'm probably not saying it right. She's probably going to correct me. Correct me when she hears this because apparently there's two ways of saying Louis Vuitton. There's like a

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shoeline pronunciation and then there's a Anyway, there's a perfume. I didn't know that. Way to say it. Okay. The perfume way.

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I didn't know this either. She is way more girly. So,

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yeah. I love it though. I love it. She She was all perked up. We went to New York City and we, you know, we walked into the to the Louis store and and I'm

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sitting there going, "Oh, great. I just pulled out that credit card, right?" Yeah.

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Um, but she's she's very um I got to give her credit, man. She's she's very money savvy. Um, but she's also a girl that when she wants something, she's going to get it.

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Yeah. She manifests and visualizes. And so,

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she just knew on this trip, I don't care what it is. It could be something as a scarf. I'm going to buy something from the Louis store. just say, "I've done it." And it just so happened that two days before we got to New York City,

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Louis Vuitton released their cosmetic line.

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And there was only two places you could purchase their cosmetic line at. New York City and Paris.

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Oh. And so we walked in and and she bought a lip balm that's in a replaceable case, Louis Vuitton case.

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And so that was She walks out with this pretty little Louis Vuitton bag out in the corner in New York City. And I was like, "Hey, I don't care. It says RV on

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it." you know, so that's brilliant.

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Well, thank you for answering all the questions. Sure.

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Hope we all feel like we've broken the ice. Yeah, your song did great.

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Yeah, we should probably move on to your story now. Yeah, you're just like I said, I think we're good. I told everything. Yeah, that's it.

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That's the story. No, you're sticking to it. No, I know.

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I keep over I keep looking over here and seeing my beautiful bride and so it's like you watching me. Where is she? She's on the bottom left.

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Oh, down here.

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18 minutes, 18 seconds

It's funny. I was I was thinking about her picture today and I thought I want to redo like I want her to come back and take I had had surgery so she didn't get

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to have a video of our recording because we had to record downstairs and I had just come off of surgery and I I really just didn't want to do that. I'll be

18:35

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honest. And so Yeah. But it gives a cool story to her story.

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18 minutes, 38 seconds

Yeah. Yeah. She was so willing. She did not want to postpone so I was grateful for that.

18:43

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Yeah. Yeah, she's like, "No, let's do this." She was excited. She was really excited.

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You know, she she's breaking into this side of things. And yeah, she mentioned that. She said, "Everybody wants to know Keyy's story."

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And I said, "No, no, I want to know your story."

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18 minutes, 56 seconds

Sorry, babe. She's got an incredible one, though, too. I know she does.

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18 minutes, 59 seconds

I did. We We went and had I think it was breakfast that morning. We didn't know each other, and I felt like I'd known her forever. She was so easy to talk to.

19:06

19 minutes, 6 seconds

It's the energy and the heart that she brings.

19:08

19 minutes, 8 seconds

Yeah. She's got She had an incredible story. So, big plug. Go back listen to her story. Yeah. once again.

19:14

19 minutes, 14 seconds

All right. Well, we're going to rewind the clock back to your formative years when you were younger. We always talk about our childhoods. It seems that that's something that we always talk about. And we're not vilifying anybody.

19:24

19 minutes, 24 seconds

We're just talking about what your life was like. And I think you said it best that you, you know, you love your parents and you're not mad at your parents.

19:32

19 minutes, 32 seconds

Yeah. So to to piggyback off of that, um when I when I tell the story of of my childhood, um you know, sometimes

19:40

19 minutes, 40 seconds

there's always that preconceived not notion that people have of they were this, they were that. And I don't want that. You have to understand, again,

19:46

19 minutes, 46 seconds

like we had discussed on one of the questions, they were baby boomers. My dad was born in 1940, my mom was born in 42. So they were the ones that you just put your nose down to the grind and you

19:54

19 minutes, 54 seconds

got it. And then this is how they were raised and that's how they they raised us. And a backstory that I found out as recent as a year ago, my father's

20:03

20 minutes, 3 seconds

childhood was way worse than mine. And I heard that from a from a cousin of mine who he and I keep in touch now. And so

20:10

20 minutes, 10 seconds

and I wanted to answer some questions to why. Right. So with that said, I love my see already starting.

20:18

20 minutes, 18 seconds

Yeah. Get them a tissue. You got them. Why are they? No, I'll just use my hands. I'm a dude. I don't use tissue. Okay.

20:23

20 minutes, 23 seconds

Um I love my parents. I I have respect for them. Do I think that they could have done things different?

20:31

20 minutes, 31 seconds

Yes. Could I do things different as a parent? Absolutely. I know those things.

20:35

20 minutes, 35 seconds

My kids are very vocal about it. But I don't hate the life that I came up with.

20:39

20 minutes, 39 seconds

It did pose some challenges. It did pose some hard times internally and externally.

20:46

20 minutes, 46 seconds

But I wouldn't change it because looking at it now, the position that I'm in at 45, the life that I have now, the the

20:55

20 minutes, 55 seconds

job that I have now, the business that I'm building now is all because of that single brother.

21:00

21 minutes

Grit wouldn't mean anything if I didn't have that childhood. It might mean something depending on the life that you

21:07

21 minutes, 7 seconds

had in your 20s and 30s, but the fact that I can rewind mine all the way back, it it just adds that validity. Let's do things a little backwards.

21:15

21 minutes, 15 seconds

Normally we save boons until the end, but I think since you've mentioned grit,

21:20

21 minutes, 20 seconds

let's tell people what grit is so that they have some some No, no, no. You've brought it up. Let's talk about what grit is really quick and then we'll we'll come back to it.

21:28

21 minutes, 28 seconds

It's a it's a uh what we focus on is is changing person in the inside as a whole

21:35

21 minutes, 35 seconds

physically and mentally in blue collar jobs. It's your business. It is my business. And what does grit stand for?

21:41

21 minutes, 41 seconds

Growth, resiliency, intentionality, and transformation.

21:44

21 minutes, 44 seconds

Okay. Because if you can do the first three things then the transformation will happen and then we will go to the boons part later. So that's okay. Sorry.

21:51

21 minutes, 51 seconds

No, no. I think it's important because it's a big part of who you are.

21:54

21 minutes, 54 seconds

Yeah. And it is and and uh and because it is a part of of not grit the company but grit the word coined by John Wayne

22:01

22 minutes, 1 second

and and multiple other people's and and you know people like Napoleon Hill when he wrote his book, you got to have grit to move forward. With that said, I love my parents. I respect them and and they

22:10

22 minutes, 10 seconds

raised me to the best of their abilities. The childhood had some good things, but there was a lot of darkness in between it. My mother was British, so

22:16

22 minutes, 16 seconds

she was very um accommodating, I guess you would say. I don't really remember too much about her. She passed away when I was 11. But what I do know was that

22:25

22 minutes, 25 seconds

every day, like clockwork, when I got out of school at 3:30, there was always a sandwich and a glass of milk ready for me. And she was already in the shower.

22:33

22 minutes, 33 seconds

And every single day, like clockwork,

22:35

22 minutes, 35 seconds

she's in the shower, she'd put her makeup on, she'd curl her hair, she'd put nice clothes on, a pair of slacks and high heels on. And then she would go and make my dad a drink, and she would

22:43

22 minutes, 43 seconds

stand outside in the garage in the Texas heat with a glass waiting for him to pull up in the driveway in his car from work. Like, this was every day like

22:50

22 minutes, 50 seconds

clockwork. And so, of course, that started some of the problems because it starts as soon as you get in, you know, but she would grab his his briefcase,

22:58

22 minutes, 58 seconds

give him his glass, they'd walk in and they'd talk sort of kind of about the day and and move forward. There's still a lot of pieces that are missing from that, but those are some things that I

23:06

23 minutes, 6 seconds

do remember. Unfortunately, I've gone back several times to try to figure out the first memory of my father and and unfortunately the first memory I have, I

23:13

23 minutes, 13 seconds

think I was four years old, is um him after physically abusing my mother and him being arrested by Harris County and and put in the back of the car. I

23:21

23 minutes, 21 seconds

remember the lights on. I remember we were standing. We were standing all of us, my mother, my two sisters, and me.

23:26

23 minutes, 26 seconds

We were standing in the grass between the two pine trees that were in our front yard. All the neighbors were standing outside. And so, it was just it was one of those things, but the

23:35

23 minutes, 35 seconds

neighbors all knew. I mean, it's nothing, you know, this was 1984. We'd already lived there for 4 years. They knew what was going down. And so, that's unfortunately the first first memory I

23:42

23 minutes, 42 seconds

have. Were there some good ones in between? We did, you know, random trips.

23:46

23 minutes, 46 seconds

We'd go down to Galveston. My dad called them uh what were they called?

23:50

23 minutes, 50 seconds

mysterious mystery drives or something like that. My sisters know the exact name. They were older than me. So, we'd do that. We'd get in the car, we'd pack up, and we just go and we'd end up in

23:58

23 minutes, 58 seconds

Galveston or South Padre Island or we'd end up in Dallas. We got to travel the world. Uh my dad was stationed in uh

24:06

24 minutes, 6 seconds

well st she he worked in Durban, South Africa for two years. He was a naval structural and civil engineer. So, we lived in Durban for two years and that

24:14

24 minutes, 14 seconds

was I don't remember any of it because I was a baby. There was one point in time where he was at DC and come to find out when I was like 25 or 30, maybe 35, my

24:23

24 minutes, 23 seconds

sisters finally told me, "You do realize that mom and dad were split up during that time, right?" I don't remember. I was in kindergarten. I mysteriously got a note that said, "Kay, you need to come

24:31

24 minutes, 31 seconds

to the office." And so the teacher led me down to the office. And they said,

24:34

24 minutes, 34 seconds

"Hey, you need to go home. Your mom is has withdrawn you from school." So I get on my bike and I start going down to the road. Well, there's a big moving truck

24:41

24 minutes, 41 seconds

in our driveway. I had no idea. We packed the whole house up in 24 hours.

24:45

24 minutes, 45 seconds

rolled out, moved to Victoria, moved to Victoria, Texas without telling my dad.

24:49

24 minutes, 49 seconds

He found he eventually found us. My sisters, I think now have told me, I believe they told me that she had actually reached out to him or he reached out to her or some there was

24:57

24 minutes, 57 seconds

some way that he found found out where we were. And then we bought a house in Victoria and stayed there for a few years and then moved up to Katie after she passed away. But it was just the the

25:06

25 minutes, 6 seconds

the physical side of the alcoholism just really took a toll on my family. It took I have one sister that that doesn't

25:14

25 minutes, 14 seconds

drink at all. I have another one that does and she's fighting the good fight too. Uh and then of course I did for years as well. I started drinking when I

25:21

25 minutes, 21 seconds

was 15. But the the physical abuses started with my mother and and it just kind of rolled down to my sister and

25:29

25 minutes, 29 seconds

both of them until they left and then it kind of rolled to me too. So my two sisters are they're my halfsisters. Okay.

25:35

25 minutes, 35 seconds

So they are my my mom's kids but not my dad's. But my dad never saw them that way. Those were his daughters. Those were his kids. He never if had had I had

25:43

25 minutes, 43 seconds

never told a single soul, nobody would ever know. It's just it's just a part of our life.

25:48

25 minutes, 48 seconds

So I was seen as the golden child at that point in time. Like there was some favoritism. I'm not going to hide that,

25:54

25 minutes, 54 seconds

sugar coat that, and take that away from my sisters. We know that. And that favoritism was always present to a certain point. Uh and then when my

26:01

26 minutes, 1 second

sisters moved out, the the beatings came down to me and and but then I started fighting back. So it just kind of got a little worse. Um the drinking started

26:08

26 minutes, 8 seconds

taking at 15. um and just escalated from here. The childhood I I really wish I could talk more about it, but I think

26:16

26 minutes, 16 seconds

psychologically I have blocked a lot of it. It was just unpredictable. It was predictably unpredictable.

26:23

26 minutes, 23 seconds

You knew what the outcome was going to be. You knew that 5:30 came around, four or five drinks in, we're talking

26:30

26 minutes, 30 seconds

handles. We didn't buy single small bottles. We we would buy big handles.

26:36

26 minutes, 36 seconds

Um and they both drank together, so they were very codependent on each other. Um,

26:40

26 minutes, 40 seconds

and I don't know really the story of of why. Uh, but it's just what they did.

26:46

26 minutes, 46 seconds

They drank together. And the only time I ever saw them really, and my sisters could probably tell me differently cuz they were older. My oldest sister's 10 years older than me and our middle

26:54

26 minutes, 54 seconds

sister is 8 years older than me. The only time I ever saw them like physically like love each other and dance in the living room or or be sweet

27:02

27 minutes, 2 seconds

to each other was when they were already starting to get three sheets to the wind.

27:05

27 minutes, 5 seconds

So, I never really saw it clean. Of course, I don't actually ever remember seeing my parents without a drink. I do remember that. Like my we

27:13

27 minutes, 13 seconds

would go to my baseball games and they would sit away from the stands and they would have their their flasks and their bottles tucked away and

27:20

27 minutes, 20 seconds

you know every time we got in the car to go somewhere there was there was a cup in the car and so it was it was consistently done and so you knew the

27:28

27 minutes, 28 seconds

predictability of where this was going to go and where it was going to lead and especially when Friday and Saturday nights were you know and then Sundays usually consisted of hey I'm sorry what can we

27:36

27 minutes, 36 seconds

do to to make this better? My dad apparently did, from what my sisters have told me, he apparently did try AA couple times. Uh, it didn't work out.

27:45

27 minutes, 45 seconds

Didn't stick.

27:46

27 minutes, 46 seconds

It didn't stick. The the physical abuse with he and I, it was it was pretty bad, but it was always coverable.

27:52

27 minutes, 52 seconds

You described it once as the illusion of your family looked perfect. Oh, 100%. Yeah.

27:56

27 minutes, 56 seconds

Yeah. You put us in public, we were fine. Some of my teammates when I was in high school saw some of it and we never really talked about it, right? It was

28:04

28 minutes, 4 seconds

just one of those things. But one time in particular, we were playing Maid Creek in a baseball game and I was actually pitching that night and uh my

28:13

28 minutes, 13 seconds

dad shows up. Luckily, one of the players on the Maid Creek team, their dad was my dad's best friend. They

28:21

28 minutes, 21 seconds

worked together. They had known each other for 15, 20 years.

28:25

28 minutes, 25 seconds

And so he got belligerently just hammered in the stands. And it was bad.

28:32

28 minutes, 32 seconds

Um it was really bad. And I remember he was escorted from the game and two

28:39

28 minutes, 39 seconds

parents, one from Katy High School and one from May Creek, actually drove my dad home. You know, I remember my baseball coach walking out to the mound

28:46

28 minutes, 46 seconds

and and uh the infield came to the to the mound too cuz I was it really jacked with me bad. Um and he was like, "Look,

28:53

28 minutes, 53 seconds

you just got to let it go. Need you to zone in and play this game and you got to let it go." Um, but psychologically it really jacked me up because when I started when I started drinking at 15,

29:02

29 minutes, 2 seconds

it it I realized that this is me. So you're carrying that shame with you. You described it to us once as a generational curse.

29:12

29 minutes, 12 seconds

Oh, 100%. Yeah. Then you have to break it, right? And you start young. Yeah. 15 was pretty young. Mhm. Using alcohol.

29:21

29 minutes, 21 seconds

Drugs as well. Not yet. 17. And and when we say drugs,

29:25

29 minutes, 25 seconds

I I never did, you know, I did a little bit of weed here and there. Very very little. Um not enough to even classify

29:32

29 minutes, 32 seconds

it as doing it, I guess. Um your drug of choice was alcohol.

29:36

29 minutes, 36 seconds

Was alcohol and and painkillers. So I got real bad on some Oxy and some other things like that. So Tylenol 800s, um

29:46

29 minutes, 46 seconds

Oxy, Percoet, anything I get pill like to take some of the pain. And I don't know if I was numbing the pain away of the mental stuff and the physical stuff or if I was numbing because I was just,

29:56

29 minutes, 56 seconds

you know, hurting or maybe it just made me feel good. Looking back at it now, it's just more of a coping mechanism. Yeah.

30:02

30 minutes, 2 seconds

Just to numb all the pain and all the outside external abuse. So tell us, you enter into college, right? You leave home. Mhm.

30:10

30 minutes, 10 seconds

What was that like?

30:13

30 minutes, 13 seconds

It was good. I enjoyed it. Um I had a you know pretty decent college experience and then came home after a

30:19

30 minutes, 19 seconds

year. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and so I came home and then started um

30:26

30 minutes, 26 seconds

trying to take care of him but he didn't want it. So and then that's one thing I will commend him on is

30:34

30 minutes, 34 seconds

you know when he was diagnosed with cancer in 2002 I think it was.

30:38

30 minutes, 38 seconds

So you were in your 20s at this point. I was 22. And so when I came home, he didn't change his lifestyle. And I kind

30:46

30 minutes, 46 seconds

of commend him on that. He didn't want to, if that makes sense. I He didn't want to He He did some of the radiation and some

30:54

30 minutes, 54 seconds

of the chemo and stuff like that. Uh but he didn't want to change. He never stopped going to work. Like he's just not going to do that. Again, 1940 baby boomer.

31:03

31 minutes, 3 seconds

Yeah. I'm going to live the life I want to.

31:04

31 minutes, 4 seconds

And then he just stopped going. And I remember him telling me, he said, you know, I haven't seen Mary, my mom, because I haven't seen Mary in 13 years,

31:12

31 minutes, 12 seconds

and it's about that time.

31:13

31 minutes, 13 seconds

And so, we're like, okay, we're going to we're going to let let you be. And so,

31:18

31 minutes, 18 seconds

he he went to work up until the day he died.

31:21

31 minutes, 21 seconds

That's my dad. My dad passed away of cancer, too. And he when he was diagnosed, he never talked about it. He never got upset about it. He just lived

31:28

31 minutes, 28 seconds

his normal life, did his normal everyday things, and and was happy and outgoing and just doing his thing. So that really

31:36

31 minutes, 36 seconds

helped us kind of deal with it a little bit.

31:39

31 minutes, 39 seconds

Yeah. Most of most of my college experience was me getting my my bachelor's degree while I was on the road working offshore. But I mean,

31:45

31 minutes, 45 seconds

college was fine. It was okay. It was it was a dark time because that's where my you know I can't say that my drinking took a whole another level of turn. I was getting worse.

31:54

31 minutes, 54 seconds

It was getting worse really bad. And but I was away from home too though. But this man the psychological jackup that I

32:03

32 minutes, 3 seconds

had with me because you just never know what was going to happen, right? My my dad was very

32:10

32 minutes, 10 seconds

unpredictable. He was very predictably unpredictable because you knew he had a short fuse. You knew that the temper was there and you just you know you knew

32:19

32 minutes, 19 seconds

that he thought he was you know stronger than concrete. Um but at that point in

32:25

32 minutes, 25 seconds

time he was in his 60s and so I just never knew being that far away if something was going to happen or what was going to happen. Um and then even

32:34

32 minutes, 34 seconds

when I came home I started you know staying other places because I just didn't want to be involved. And so I just stopped going to school. I I

32:43

32 minutes, 43 seconds

stopped going to school. When I came back home I started going back to community college because I wanted to get something done because he was forcing that down my throat. And uh it

32:52

32 minutes, 52 seconds

just never clicked. I was more about let's go get jacked up and let's go run the streets and find some girls. Like that's just what my life was about and

33:00

33 minutes

and working out, doing strong man championships and doing those things. I told one of my kids this a couple days ago. They said, "Dad, if you had, you know, you had one major regret, what

33:08

33 minutes, 8 seconds

would it be in life?" And I've got several. There are a few of them that are, but one of the things that I regret was not going in the military. I had the

33:16

33 minutes, 16 seconds

opportunity to and I didn't. I went ahead and went to college. And so I wish I would have done that because I'm curious on what would have what would

33:23

33 minutes, 23 seconds

have changed if the dynamic of my life would have changed a lot better faster because now you've got that structure.

33:28

33 minutes, 28 seconds

You have that outline and I wonder if things would have been a little bit differently.

33:32

33 minutes, 32 seconds

There was a man on on our show just recently that you'll have to listen to because he has a very similar background to yours and he did choose military.

33:40

33 minutes, 40 seconds

Okay.

33:40

33 minutes, 40 seconds

So you can maybe see what his life turned out like cuz it involves drugs and alcohol and military. So yeah, I will definitely listen. He is one of the men that I told you attends my church that I said you need to meet.

33:50

33 minutes, 50 seconds

Okay. Yeah. I'm totally down.

33:52

33 minutes, 52 seconds

You'll have to come sometime so you can meet him. Absolutely. I think you guys would really connect. We're trying to come.

33:59

33 minutes, 59 seconds

He's done. He's on a similar journey.

34:01

34 minutes, 1 second

He's lost a lot of weight. He's working out all the time. He's four years ago, five years ago quit drinking, doing all the things like he

34:08

34 minutes, 8 seconds

you guys are leading par very parallel lives.

34:11

34 minutes, 11 seconds

No, that's awesome. I'd love if you're out there, hit me up. Yeah, it will connect you guys. Go do lunch. Um,

34:18

34 minutes, 18 seconds

all right. So, college is also the time where you enter into the oil industry. Mhm.

34:23

34 minutes, 23 seconds

Okay. And that plays a big part in your life as well.

34:25

34 minutes, 25 seconds

Yeah. Yeah. I um so I worked offshore on on my first rig was and I won't name names, but I my first rig was a Bethlehem jacket rig,

34:34

34 minutes, 34 seconds

which was born it was built in 1960s.

34:37

34 minutes, 37 seconds

Uh and so it was your typical let's go watch it on movie or TV and then that's what we were doing. Um, and

34:44

34 minutes, 44 seconds

psychologically, uh, it took a toll. I wasn't used to it at first. I remember the big shock culture that it was. Uh,

34:52

34 minutes, 52 seconds

and to be honest with you, I almost quit 3 days into my first hits. Oh.

34:55

34 minutes, 55 seconds

Oh, yeah. I I did. I'm not I'm not I'm not ashamed either. We were we were running 9 and 5/8 inch casing and on those big death Bethlehem jackups they

35:04

35 minutes, 4 seconds

would stack up on the sides and you'd have to climb up there and rig them up and then they'd have to put them down on the on the the catwalk or this big long

35:13

35 minutes, 13 seconds

w you know to give an example it looks like a long sidewalk and pull it up the the the boro which is an angled sidewalk that goes up to the rig floor.

35:24

35 minutes, 24 seconds

Um and it was hard. It was it was it was the most it was one of the toughest hardest nights I've ever done. It was my third night

35:32

35 minutes, 32 seconds

physically demanding physically and mentally because at that point in time we didn't have all the machines. We didn't have all the crew guys. It was two guys up on the on on

35:41

35 minutes, 41 seconds

the pipe the casing getting all that rigged up and they were way up. there 20 ft. And then there was me in the middle

35:49

35 minutes, 49 seconds

of this what we call death valley because you're standing in between both of them and uh you're physically running back and forth running just constant running

35:57

35 minutes, 57 seconds

back and forth. And I'll never forget going to he was the he was our deck pusher that time after lunch and I'm

36:04

36 minutes, 4 seconds

just soaking wet and I'm just mentally tired and I was like I can't do this. Like this is not for me. I guess I'm,

36:11

36 minutes, 11 seconds

you know, just I'm just meant to go to college. And was a hard ass. Like he was he was very and most of them were back

36:20

36 minutes, 20 seconds

then. But he he sat down with me and it was not his emmo. And he looked at me and said, "Dude,

36:27

36 minutes, 27 seconds

I will grant you your wish tomorrow, but I cannot be short-handed during this job. Just do me one solid. Just get

36:35

36 minutes, 35 seconds

through the next six hours. give me that and I will put you on the first thing smoking to go back home. So I finished the the rest of the tower soaking wet,

36:45

36 minutes, 45 seconds

exhausted. My feet were killing mentally. I was just like, "Dude, this is like I've lifted weights now for six years and this blew that away." And I

36:53

36 minutes, 53 seconds

sat down to in the change locker and I just kind of slumped over and I was just had my head down and just sweat was dripping. I I can't remember how it was in the middle of the summertime, by the

37:01

37 minutes, 1 second

way. And uh sat down next to me and he said, "What do you think?" I'm like,

37:05

37 minutes, 5 seconds

"Dude, that was brutal. Like, I'm I'm done." And he goes, "Well, can I tell you something?" I said, "Yeah." He said,

37:10

37 minutes, 10 seconds

"You just did the hardest job that you will do on this rig. If you can make it through that, everything else is a brief."

37:18

37 minutes, 18 seconds

Which he was lying, but but I but I understand his point, right?

37:23

37 minutes, 23 seconds

To to an a certain extent that level and so I toughed it out and then, you know, 14 years later, I was moving into the office. So, but and it did play a

37:32

37 minutes, 32 seconds

role cuz it's played into a role when we get to the booness part of what what all that's really about and what all I have turned into to to help people. But even

37:40

37 minutes, 40 seconds

even then though, you know, that was my AA, you know, talking about my childhood and upbringing and all that. That was my AA. It was my 21 and 21 or my 28 and 28.

37:49

37 minutes, 49 seconds

That was my AA because when I got home,

37:52

37 minutes, 52 seconds

by the time I my my buddies at that point in time, my buddies, and I'm using quotes because they were my buddies, but looking at it now, now they they were

38:01

38 minutes, 1 second

drinking friends. They were acquaintances. I understand. And I don't care if they had those. So, yeah.

38:06

38 minutes, 6 seconds

Um, they knew what day I got off the rig.

38:09

38 minutes, 9 seconds

They knew what time I was on shore and they knew exactly how long it took to get from Fushon, Louisiana to Katy,

38:16

38 minutes, 16 seconds

Texas. And by the time I pulled up into the truck, there was 30 of them sitting in my my garage with, you know, boatload

38:23

38 minutes, 23 seconds

of beer and alcohol. And that's what we did for the first three days. In fact, my ex-wife, you know, she was like,

38:29

38 minutes, 29 seconds

"Okay, you get two days. Two days to do whatever you got to do with your buddies." You know, she was out there with us, but you know, whatever you you know, whatever kind of drinking you want to do, you get two days. And after that,

38:39

38 minutes, 39 seconds

I'm off the clock. You got the kids. And so she she ran the roost when I was gone. So I I respected that. And that's what we did. It was like cockwork. It

38:47

38 minutes, 47 seconds

was also a detriment to me because I was I was a Do you have a bleep button? Yeah.

38:53

38 minutes, 53 seconds

Okay, good. So, I was a father. I know that for a fact. At that point in time in my life, I was a husband and I was just a person. Just 100%. I know.

39:01

39 minutes, 1 second

Looking back, I didn't care about anybody else but myself. I wanted to have fun when I got home because I

39:08

39 minutes, 8 seconds

demanded that because I just left for 28 days and that's what I'm going to do.

39:14

39 minutes, 14 seconds

And it really took a toll on on my previous marriage like big time. We have our indifferences, her and I do. But I

39:20

39 minutes, 20 seconds

also take 50 60 65 70% of the credit of the reason why that marriage failed. And I know that. I have no problem admitting

39:28

39 minutes, 28 seconds

that I was living the exact same life that my father was, if not even worse,

39:33

39 minutes, 33 seconds

because at my father never did painkillers, and I was already on those.

39:36

39 minutes, 36 seconds

And the and the oil field really helped me grow, but it also helped me mask a lot of it. Like I was able to get away

39:44

39 minutes, 44 seconds

and mask it for 28 days at home and and be that same crappy person to all right,

39:50

39 minutes, 50 seconds

let's go back into work mode. I can separate all this stuff and be fine with it. My my ex-wife and I, you know, we never really got out of the honeymoon

39:57

39 minutes, 57 seconds

stage like ever. I'm so glad this guy's mowing today.

40:02

40 minutes, 2 seconds

You know, strangely, you won't be able to hear it. Oh, really? Yeah.

40:05

40 minutes, 5 seconds

Okay. Well, I know the guy's mowing today. Somebody's mowing. That's so funny.

40:11

40 minutes, 11 seconds

Uh, I had to lighten up the conversation. She started tearing up and I'm like, I don't want to tear up you. Um, but yeah. So, tearing up the whole time.

40:19

40 minutes, 19 seconds

Do you mind if we back up just a hair? Sure.

40:21

40 minutes, 21 seconds

All right. So, we were talking about college and I think we skipped a little bit and I think it's important to your story that your dad passes away while you're also

40:29

40 minutes, 29 seconds

in your 20s and you 24.

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40 minutes, 31 seconds

Yeah. And you you find him. You're the one who finds him. I found both of them. I found my mother, too.

40:36

40 minutes, 36 seconds

That's rough. and and and so there there's there's so much to my story that sometimes I still harbor it.

40:45

40 minutes, 45 seconds

Um because I don't want everybody to know it because then you guys won't come and see me if I go and talk somewhere else.

40:51

40 minutes, 51 seconds

But anyway, um that's a shameless plug by the way. Um no, but so my mother passed away at 11. I was 11 years old.

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41 minutes

It was um Wednesday. It was May 12th of 1992.

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41 minutes, 7 seconds

Um,

41:20

41 minutes, 20 seconds

it's it still hurts because I feel like I was robbed and I God I blamed God so much so long for that.

41:31

41 minutes, 31 seconds

Um, but I came home and my sandwich and my selfishly my sandwich and my milk wasn't on the counter. And I walked in

41:39

41 minutes, 39 seconds

the bedroom and I asked my mom if she was okay and she said, "Yeah, I'm fine."

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41 minutes, 42 seconds

And I was like, "Okay." I said, "I'm going to make me a sandwich." And she was like, "Okay." And and uh made my sandwich, got my own glass of milk, and I remember going to the bedroom and laying down watching TV. And at 3:42,

41:56

41 minutes, 56 seconds

3:43,

41:57

41 minutes, 57 seconds

there was three bangs at the the garage door. where we always kept the garage door open cuz back in those days, you know, '92, you know, kids kids left the garage door open so you can see if the bikes were in the garage or not.

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42 minutes, 7 seconds

You know, we didn't have cell phones to double check if our friends or with Life 360, which is something else, man. These kids got to stop tracking themselves in

42:15

42 minutes, 15 seconds

a friend group on Life 360. That's just awkward. But anyway,

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42 minutes, 18 seconds

we kept the doors unlocked in those days. Yeah. Windows open windows open. I don't need to know where my friend is.

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42 minutes, 25 seconds

I just need to know if his bike was there.

42:27

42 minutes, 27 seconds

Right. Exactly. So, uh, I heard the three bangs. Uh, got out of got up from my room, went down to the Three Bangs,

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42 minutes, 33 seconds

and there's three EMT, uh, Victoria emergency response teams there and said,

42:39

42 minutes, 39 seconds

"Did somebody call 911?" And stupidly, I said, "Hold on, let me check." That's all I knew what to say at

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42 minutes, 47 seconds

11 and ran down the hallway, opened the door and my mom was uh she was laid out with her head turned to the right and the phone was in her hand,

42:56

42 minutes, 56 seconds

her right hand uh her hand, left hand was on her chest and her knee was propped up and she was kind of caddy cornered like this, if that makes sense,

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43 minutes, 4 seconds

on the bed. And then I just screamed down the hallway. They ran down. Uh they shut the door and I tried to get a hold of my dad, but back then they, you know,

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43 minutes, 13 seconds

we the cell phones weren't like in everybody's hands.

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43 minutes, 16 seconds

So the only thing I need to do was call the office. The office didn't pick up,

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43 minutes, 20 seconds

which really kind of made me weird. So I called my teacher at the time, Miss Jocelyn, who um who was who has passed away too, God

43:27

43 minutes, 27 seconds

rest her soul. But her husband, his desk was right next to my dad's at the same company. They were in Port Lvaka, which was 60 mi away.

43:36

43 minutes, 36 seconds

So I called Miss Joson. She got a hold of her husband. Her husband told my dad and he actually drove him from Port Lvaka to to Victoria because he was he

43:45

43 minutes, 45 seconds

was like, "Jack, you're in no state of the drive." I remember the the light coming through the window when I when I opened the door to to the bedroom and saw her laying there. I remember she had her brown and white striped shirt on,

43:56

43 minutes, 56 seconds

her khaki shorts. Like I remember all that. uh the the flower quilt or bed spread. And then standing outside, my teacher when when they wheeled her out,

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44 minutes, 6 seconds

I I knew it was bad because my sisters pulled up shortly as they started wheeling her out and her face was

44:12

44 minutes, 12 seconds

covered and I knew it. And so Miss Joson uh she

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44 minutes, 22 seconds

she put her arms around me and then you know we went down in the hospital and we waited for my dad. They didn't tell us

44:29

44 minutes, 29 seconds

anything. It's the only time I've ever seen my dad collapse and I didn't even get up which was sad. I think I the car

44:37

44 minutes, 37 seconds

pulls up and I I remember turning around looking through the windows and my dad is getting out of the car. my two sisters run outside and they tell him and he just collapsed to the ground.

44:50

44 minutes, 50 seconds

Um, yeah, that hurt, that stone. And then, uh,

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44 minutes, 57 seconds

I think the the the thing that happened next is is probably the catalyst to,

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45 minutes, 4 seconds

in fact, I know that part of that was the catalyst of me living with with high cortisol, consistent levels, but it was also the the the catalyst to to me

45:13

45 minutes, 13 seconds

living the life that I did until I was 40. And I remember saying goodbye to her and telling her that I loved her. And

45:20

45 minutes, 20 seconds

then my dad looks at me and says, "You got a baseball game tonight at 6:45. You better go." And I was like, "Are you kidding me?" I never said that to him,

45:30

45 minutes, 30 seconds

obviously. But in my head, I'm like,

45:31

45 minutes, 31 seconds

"You really want me to go and play a baseball game?" The same day your mother passed away. Same night. Yeah. We also had baseball pictures.

45:38

45 minutes, 38 seconds

So, I actually have that. You know, you know how when you were a kid, you had all the baseball card pictures.

45:42

45 minutes, 42 seconds

I still have that picture. You could probably look at it and see that boy in there. Yeah,

45:47

45 minutes, 47 seconds

there was just you. It's funny because I look at it now and you just see the darkness or or the blank darkness. Sure. You just lost your mom. Yeah. I took pictures that same day.

45:56

45 minutes, 56 seconds

And so I remember the team, it was so weird. They were like, "Well, let's put Keely in the middle." And I remember turning my coach like, "I don't want to be in the middle. Put me off to the left."

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46 minutes, 5 seconds

Like, "I don't even want I don't even want to be here." Yeah. Of course not. And I had to pitch that night.

46:10

46 minutes, 10 seconds

Oh gosh. I do remember Victoria was at that point in time was like Katie. Uh it was really small, homegrown. Everybody

46:19

46 minutes, 19 seconds

knew like the minute something happened out. Everybody knew. Yeah.

46:22

46 minutes, 22 seconds

I remember he was a good friend of mine. He was my catcher and I rode with him and his dad.

46:27

46 minutes, 27 seconds

His dad was our assistant coach and and we started driving down towards the baseball field and I remember seeing just cars parked on the street and I was like this is uncommon.

46:38

46 minutes, 38 seconds

And when we get to the field, San Leven Field, the the stands are packed. There's from classmates and parents.

46:47

46 minutes, 47 seconds

Yeah.

46:48

46 minutes, 48 seconds

The um the first base and third base sides were packed. There was there's a spot that's

46:56

46 minutes, 56 seconds

left open just in case my dad wanted to come cuz that's where they always sat.

47:00

47 minutes

And my sisters, they actually let them park behind the field and uh parked the car up there and they sat and watched the game with one of their friends. And

47:08

47 minutes, 8 seconds

that was that was hard. That was a tough game. But I was never I was never allowed to mourn. And I've talked to my

47:15

47 minutes, 15 seconds

sisters about it. I don't know if they ever had either. And I say allowed because we weren't given that that space.

47:23

47 minutes, 23 seconds

It was, you know, go play the game, do the best you can, come home, go to bed,

47:29

47 minutes, 29 seconds

let's let's move on to the next day. My friends at school at that time, you know, they tried to It was funny because they were waiting on pins and needles. I

47:37

47 minutes, 37 seconds

didn't have I had a you know I had a crappy batting average. I was a pretty good ball player. Like I could hit but I was way too chunky at my age, right? We

47:45

47 minutes, 45 seconds

weren't stretching out triples or doubles, right? We were hitting singles or bombs. And I remember my buddies um

47:52

47 minutes, 52 seconds

the the classmates in the in the fifth grade class, they all got together. We were all a tight-knit group. I mean, all of us were. Some of us still talk to this day.

48:00

48 minutes

But all the boys and all the parents got together and they made a plaque and they were waiting for that home run. And uh

48:11

48 minutes, 11 seconds

yeah, so I I hit it on May 21st.

48:16

48 minutes, 16 seconds

Um and I think 3 days later, they had already designed it. They were just waiting to put the date on it. And uh 3

48:24

48 minutes, 24 seconds

days later, the the whole fifth grade class at Stanley Elementary gave it to me. So I still have it and I still have the ball. Those are special moments that

48:32

48 minutes, 32 seconds

I get to have. We were watching um Tara and I were watching Oh man, we were watching a movie. Are you ready for an

48:40

48 minutes, 40 seconds

exciting bright new adventure? I think that's the name of it.

48:44

48 minutes, 44 seconds

And you start watching it like this is this is weird. Like this is awkward. But then you start getting into it and there's one part of the movie, spoiler alert if you haven't watched it, the the

48:52

48 minutes, 52 seconds

girl's mom has passed away and there's one part of the movie she walks through a door and her mom is there and I just I lost it. Yeah.

49:00

49 minutes

It's the only time I've It's the only time I've really cried in front of Tara about moments like that. And she was like, "Are you okay?" And I said, "I

49:09

49 minutes, 9 seconds

would give anything to have that moment." Yeah. So,

49:17

49 minutes, 17 seconds

fast forward almost 13 years to the day my father passed away. April 24th of 2004. He was 2 weeks shy of 13 years.

49:25

49 minutes, 25 seconds

And uh fast forward to it, 5:45 in the afternoon, I realized that he didn't he wasn't out of his bedroom yet. And I walked in the bedroom and the reason it

49:33

49 minutes, 33 seconds

stuck with me so much is because he was in the exact same position in the exact same bed frame.

49:38

49 minutes, 38 seconds

Yeah, I remember you said that in the exact same lighting. The only difference is I actually touched him to try and wake him up and he was cold clammy and he was already in ridden

49:46

49 minutes, 46 seconds

mortise, which tells me that he was passed away through the middle of the night. And um so yeah, I had to I've had to call my parent my sisters twice.

49:55

49 minutes, 55 seconds

Oh gosh, I can't imagine.

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49 minutes, 57 seconds

And then that just from such a young age,

49:59

49 minutes, 59 seconds

24. And uh that was a spiral. Like that was that was a camel that that broke the back. I I contemplated suicide several times. I argued with God several times.

50:09

50 minutes, 9 seconds

I didn't know how I was going to get out. I guess October that year, November that year is is when I met the kid's mom. You know, I I can't say it was

50:18

50 minutes, 18 seconds

something that that saved my life, but what helped me move forward and continue a life was the

50:26

50 minutes, 26 seconds

fact that my ex my ex-wife had told me that she was pregnant. Um, and so that gave me a little bit of breath of life was was the birth of Riley. But it didn't fix everything internally either.

50:36

50 minutes, 36 seconds

It was just an extension of like, okay,

50:38

50 minutes, 38 seconds

I got to stay alive for, you know, a little bit of time, right?

50:42

50 minutes, 42 seconds

It's a band-aid solution. You described the series of

50:50

50 minutes, 50 seconds

band-aid solutions as hovering right above rock bottom. Yeah. And I found that to be a very fascinating

50:57

50 minutes, 57 seconds

philosophy. Will you talk about that because I think it's it describes so well so many people in their situations

51:05

51 minutes, 5 seconds

especially when they grow up the way that we did.

51:08

51 minutes, 8 seconds

It was my similar background. You have a very similar background.

51:11

51 minutes, 11 seconds

Yeah. So there's a guy named Bedro Skullian. He uh he runs a bunch of projects and and things like that. He's a he's a he's an influencer. I mean,

51:19

51 minutes, 19 seconds

let's just call it what it is nowadays,

51:20

51 minutes, 20 seconds

right? But but he's a very but prior to the influencer. I don't want people to think, "Oh, great. This is just another guy I got to go and listen to." Um he's he's a very very successful businessman

51:29

51 minutes, 29 seconds

before he became an influencer, but he he said something on a podcast one day.

51:33

51 minutes, 33 seconds

We were I was listening to it. He was talking about that. He said, "You know,

51:36

51 minutes, 36 seconds

how many times we all talk about the rock bottom side. I mean, everybody's is different. What we don't realize is if you take a step back and the way he said

51:43

51 minutes, 43 seconds

it was, it's not the dangerous part is hitting rock bottom because there's only one way to go after that. It's how long have you hovered above rock bottom and

51:51

51 minutes, 51 seconds

been in that dangerous spot of what your life has been and how long are you sitting there for it before you actually hit it. And that is an amazing way of

52:00

52 minutes

looking at things of saying, man, how long like how long was I there? I mean,

52:05

52 minutes, 5 seconds

for me, 15 to 40. And you can even probably back up a little further. Maybe 11 or was it four, you know, watching

52:13

52 minutes, 13 seconds

the abuse and and then getting abused and then, you know, not just physically,

52:17

52 minutes, 17 seconds

but also verbally. How long was I actually at that rock bottom and how long was I actually covering it up to make myself feel like everything was

52:24

52 minutes, 24 seconds

okay? I put a post on TikTok yesterday or two days ago, you know, about self-awareness. Meaning, I looked great on the outside. I felt strong, felt

52:32

52 minutes, 32 seconds

good, but really on the inside, I was just dying and breaking because I didn't know where I was at being self-aware to be able to have hard conversations and do this.

52:42

52 minutes, 42 seconds

I was No, no, no, no, no. I'm the old guy. You know, you're Nah, I'm not I'm not going to play that game. Um, I'm strong. I got this.

52:50

52 minutes, 50 seconds

Yeah. And we do. We do as men, but you do as ladies, too. Y'all carry a totally different weight that we even though you guys think we can read minds don't know.

53:00

53 minutes

We wish you could. Yeah. Well, us as men are glad that y'all can't because some of the stupid things we think about.

53:08

53 minutes, 8 seconds

I'm kind of glad we can't either. I want to know. No, I do not. I do not.

53:13

53 minutes, 13 seconds

But yeah, hitting that hitting that rock bottom, hovering is the dangerous part is how long does somebody sit and hover? Yeah,

53:20

53 minutes, 20 seconds

because that is the part where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. You can, but it's continuing to get further and further away because it's a very interesting way to say that.

53:30

53 minutes, 30 seconds

Not that.

53:31

53 minutes, 31 seconds

So, this is one of those moments. Your first wife and your first child have you hovering.

53:39

53 minutes, 39 seconds

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. But but I started diving deeper into that hovering thing. How how deep is the hovering?

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53 minutes, 48 seconds

Is it 4 feet? Is it one foot? If we had to put a measurement to it, or is it 10?

53:52

53 minutes, 52 seconds

Or is it continuing to Are you continuously hovering? And it's just continuing to get deeper,

53:58

53 minutes, 58 seconds

right? Because the the part with my ex-wife and then having having Bryley,

54:07

54 minutes, 7 seconds

maybe I was sitting four feet and it just didn't get deeper for a little while and I was just kind of doing this,

54:12

54 minutes, 12 seconds

but then something else would pack up and then it's like, okay, now I'm going to sit and go a little bit deeper because that darkness inside of me just continued to grow and got worse

54:19

54 minutes, 19 seconds

and I know that. I mean, because it continued with Terra as you listen to the episode with her. You know, she probably came out and heard, you know,

54:26

54 minutes, 26 seconds

heard some of those. So the hovering is basically just the not dealing with all of it. It's covering it up.

54:31

54 minutes, 31 seconds

Yeah. You're just covering it up over and over again and just it's getting deeper and darker and and we do it subconsciously and consciously, right? There are some things that we cover up. Alcohol, pills,

54:40

54 minutes, 40 seconds

but like did I know that I was mentally abusing my ex-wife and my current wife now for so long and that I learned from my dad. Did I know I was

54:48

54 minutes, 48 seconds

doing that? No. But is that a part of hovering? Yeah. because you're kind of covering you're covering it up and masking it and and given that band-aid of

54:56

54 minutes, 56 seconds

oh no that's not me that's not me but really you're just not being self-aware of what you really need to do and how you need to be.

55:03

55 minutes, 3 seconds

You didn't have the tool set to look at yourself and take accountability yet. And I love that you did. Oh, it took care of that.

55:10

55 minutes, 10 seconds

Accountability is it's going to happen. It's going to happen.

55:14

55 minutes, 14 seconds

Yeah. No. And and but it doesn't happen right away. As you said, you marry, you have children, and you continue down a dark path.

55:22

55 minutes, 22 seconds

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was bad. And and divorce, you know, made it even worse.

55:26

55 minutes, 26 seconds

You know, still doing my thing. You are what you seen and what you were raised around. And I didn't start realizing that. I always thought I was No, I'm

55:34

55 minutes, 34 seconds

better than And in fact, I even I even uh defended that, right? I defended it for years. I defended it with my ex. I defended it with Tara at the very beginning. And and it always came out.

55:44

55 minutes, 44 seconds

Well, at least I've never hit you. Okay,

55:46

55 minutes, 46 seconds

kudos to you. Check box is a star. Thank you. You are right. But I've grown to learn that, which I should have already

55:55

55 minutes, 55 seconds

known cuz I know that I I've experienced both of them. Physical and mental abuse or verbal. I've experienced both of

56:03

56 minutes, 3 seconds

them. You think that I would know as a person and as a human being that that the that the verbal and the mental side of it is you might as well just hit me

56:11

56 minutes, 11 seconds

because you're doing it. You're just doing it psychologically.

56:13

56 minutes, 13 seconds

It's true. It can hurt more. And I've heard people say that the long term the bruises go away the long term. Yeah.

56:19

56 minutes, 19 seconds

I've heard men and women on several occasions say, "I wish you would have just physically beat me because it would have hurt less."

56:26

56 minutes, 26 seconds

Yeah. It stings. And it's like, "Oh,

56:29

56 minutes, 29 seconds

dude." And when I sit and think about that, it's like, "Okay, did my dad really do it wrong?" Yeah.

56:38

56 minutes, 38 seconds

Yeah. Well, you know, Paul, there's a better way,

56:41

56 minutes, 41 seconds

right? There is no way. I mean, but pause for effect, right? Sure. There is.

56:46

56 minutes, 46 seconds

And then after talking to my cousin about it,

56:49

56 minutes, 49 seconds

I I was like, "Well, you know what's the difference?" And when he finally told me how my dad was offroad, he said, "Your dad," he said, "your dad and your uncle,

56:59

56 minutes, 59 seconds

his dad saw different things different ways,

57:04

57 minutes, 4 seconds

which is why their relationship was rocky." He said, "But both of our dads were a thousand times better than grandpa.

57:12

57 minutes, 12 seconds

you're a thousand times better than your dad. So, it's about that forward movement.

57:18

57 minutes, 18 seconds

It's that generational curse that we carry. The alcoholism, the the abuse,

57:22

57 minutes, 22 seconds

the things, you know, anything. It could be. I mean, it could be anything. It could be, you know, we've got guys in the oil field and and in industries that

57:29

57 minutes, 29 seconds

that know their dad but don't really know their dad because their dad wasn't home.

57:34

57 minutes, 34 seconds

He was a workaholic. Is that saying that he was a great father? No, he provided for me. He did a great thing. But was he at baseball games? And if he wasn't,

57:42

57 minutes, 42 seconds

could he have been? But how involved?

57:44

57 minutes, 44 seconds

Like really, how involved? And I was at that, too. Like, oh, sorry. We're gonna bleep that one out.

57:50

57 minutes, 50 seconds

You're fine.

57:52

57 minutes, 52 seconds

I was bad about it, too, is when I got home from the rig, it no, I've done my 28 or I've done my 21. I'm good. I'm

58:00

58 minutes

done. Like, I I put the bank account full. I've seen how much you spent.

58:06

58 minutes, 6 seconds

We're good. And that's just just the way it was. And so you would think that we would learn that that mental and that physical or that

58:14

58 minutes, 14 seconds

mental and that verbal abuse is is just as bad and it's it's worse. Yeah. And and looking back in hindsight 2020,

58:21

58 minutes, 21 seconds

it's like, man, I was just I was terrible. I was terrible. And I have no problem admitting that. I've admitted that to my ex-wife. I've told her that.

58:30

58 minutes, 30 seconds

Look, I'm sorry. I did not love you the way you needed to be loved. And I know that I did a lot of terrible things. And

58:37

58 minutes, 37 seconds

to be able to say that and have that and and genuinely mean it. Not just say it,

58:44

58 minutes, 44 seconds

just to have faith. I mean, genuinely look her in the eye and tell her that. It felt good. Yeah.

58:50

58 minutes, 50 seconds

Because I knew that I was on that spot of I'm I'm I'm not hovering anymore. I'm no longer on rock bottom. I'm actually

58:57

58 minutes, 57 seconds

starting to climb out and get closer to that to that lighter thing to the top.

59:02

59 minutes, 2 seconds

It's that accountability. That accountability once you start when you start taking true accountability for yourself, it propel it moves you forward. It's the only way you can move

59:10

59 minutes, 10 seconds

forward in life is to own what you've done so you can look at yourself. You know, I want I want to be a better person or I want to do better.

59:17

59 minutes, 17 seconds

The whole grieving thing,

59:19

59 minutes, 19 seconds

you know, with my mom and my dad, it was really weird with my dad because I went I reverted to the grieving side of it the only way I knew. Let's go to the bar.

59:27

59 minutes, 27 seconds

Oh, I understand. That's how my family did it.

59:29

59 minutes, 29 seconds

Yeah. I mean, let's And we did. My mom died, everybody drank. That's what they did.

59:33

59 minutes, 33 seconds

And that night when my father passed away, I remember my sisters who who didn't go to bars very much at all. I looked at both of them and said, "I'm done with this." Like, I'm I'm going to

59:42

59 minutes, 42 seconds

the bar. Y'all coming? No, we've got to talk. I'm like, I'm not talking about this right now.

59:48

59 minutes, 48 seconds

I'm going to the bar and I'm going to have a shot of Glenit Glenn Livit. Glenn Fillet. I'm have a shot of that and I'm going to drink a lot of whiskey and that's just where we're going to go with

59:55

59 minutes, 55 seconds

it. And that's how I'm going to go and cope. They came. They got nowhere near as bad as I was. But, you know, and and then that dark hole just continued. I

1:00:03

1 hour, 3 seconds

mean, it was bad. I'll tell you how bad it was. I've never said this publicly,

1:00:06

1 hour, 6 seconds

but I'm going to go ahead and say it publicly. It was bad enough to where I almost damn near spent my entire inheritance on bars. And it wasn't a

1:00:14

1 hour, 14 seconds

lot, don't get me wrong, but it was enough for me to I I paid off my college debt and there was a big chunk and I

1:00:22

1 hour, 22 seconds

bought a truck and then that's all I had to show for it. And then there was a big chunk that was, "Hey man, you want to go out and go? I got you. I got you. Let's go."

1:00:31

1 hour, 31 seconds

And that's that's where it went. I'm I've never said that publicly ever.

1:00:35

1 hour, 35 seconds

It's crazy how much money we waste on alcohol. Mhm.

1:00:39

1 hour, 39 seconds

Yeah. My husband and I were just talking about it the other day. It's insane. Over a poison. Yeah. Which is legal. Exactly.

1:00:46

1 hour, 46 seconds

Legal. Yes. I don't know why it's not illegal.

1:00:49

1 hour, 49 seconds

I've got some other I've got some other thoughts on some other things that are naturally God put here for us. Yeah.

1:00:57

1 hour, 57 seconds

But to that point, there's there's there was a co-orker that came up to me and they had said, "Because of your your mental health talk that you had talked at the company for and your your

1:01:06

1 hour, 1 minute, 6 seconds

resilience and your your passion about it, I decided to make a change and I have lost 18 lbs." And I was like,

1:01:13

1 hour, 1 minute, 13 seconds

"That's awesome." She said, "You know what the big cat callous was? Is the fact that me and my husband quit drinking. That's awesome. That's really good." And I said, "Yeah,

1:01:21

1 hour, 1 minute, 21 seconds

keep going down that road." And so those are the things that we have to remember is that you never know who you're going to impact. Yep. You just never know. Look at you changing lives. I love that.

1:01:30

1 hour, 1 minute, 30 seconds

That's why our stories are so one life at a time, right?

1:01:32

1 hour, 1 minute, 32 seconds

Yeah. To talk about because there there we're not we're not alone in our stories. There are other people out there. I mean, this is why we're doing it, you know, because that's I feel like

1:01:41

1 hour, 1 minute, 41 seconds

we're here to serve and to make an impact in people's life.

1:01:43

1 hour, 1 minute, 43 seconds

You got to be vulnerable. It it all goes back to the questions that Manny's been posing is, you know, your life. What was your childhood like? How did it come up?

1:01:50

1 hour, 1 minute, 50 seconds

Where was it? Where did it start? you know, what was the beginning cat lesson?

1:01:53

1 hour, 1 minute, 53 seconds

And it's like, well, watching my dad get escorted, you thought that being four years old and that's the first memory you have as your parent, you know, and

1:02:01

1 hour, 2 minutes, 1 second

seeing bruises on my mother's face and a neck brace and all kinds of other stuff.

1:02:05

1 hour, 2 minutes, 5 seconds

It's like these are all things that happened due to that. And you would think I would never go down that path,

1:02:11

1 hour, 2 minutes, 11 seconds

but it's that generational curse that we carry. And it's legit. That stuff is real. I don't You will never ever sway me on that.

1:02:18

1 hour, 2 minutes, 18 seconds

I don't care how big of a dude you think you are. or you come up to me and say that I am full of that because I believe that. Dude, let's open up your book and

1:02:27

1 hour, 2 minutes, 27 seconds

you be as vulnerable as me and let's see how much you you mimic exactly what you've seen and you've done. It's so true.

1:02:33

1 hour, 2 minutes, 33 seconds

It's insane the things that that people don't realize that they are generational curses.

1:02:37

1 hour, 2 minutes, 37 seconds

Well, and our parents did the best they could with the tools that they had. Not blaming them.

1:02:42

1 hour, 2 minutes, 42 seconds

But as adults, we have to take a look at our story and learn from it and take accountability and say, "I'm an adult now. you know, these are the things I

1:02:50

1 hour, 2 minutes, 50 seconds

need to work on. Why is my life like this? Let me work on it. You know, you have two choices. You can either sit in the pain of where you're at. Yeah.

1:02:57

1 hour, 2 minutes, 57 seconds

Or you can sit in the pain of choosing to be different. It's pain no matter what. Right. You know, growing pain. And I'm scared. Yeah.

1:03:04

1 hour, 3 minutes, 4 seconds

So, to that point, I'm scared. And here's why I'm scared, Mandy, is the the saying that our parents had and their parents told them there's no book on this.

1:03:12

1 hour, 3 minutes, 12 seconds

Yeah.

1:03:13

1 hour, 3 minutes, 13 seconds

And you think, you think, we think, we thought in our generation, I'm going to raise our kids the exact same way our parents raised us. You will ride your

1:03:22

1 hour, 3 minutes, 22 seconds

bike and go here and go there and d Well, they didn't have a generation of iPhones.

1:03:27

1 hour, 3 minutes, 27 seconds

They didn't have a generation of Netflix. They didn't have a generation of laptops and computers when they raised us. We didn't get that until we were in high school and late high school. We're talking junior year, senior year.

1:03:36

1 hour, 3 minutes, 36 seconds

Mhm.

1:03:37

1 hour, 3 minutes, 37 seconds

And even then, they were touchstone phones. You weren't texting and looking at social media, right?

1:03:43

1 hour, 3 minutes, 43 seconds

and you had minutes. You have 100 minutes and 70 of them have to be to me to tell me where you're at.

1:03:49

1 hour, 3 minutes, 49 seconds

There's no book on it. Well, what are they going to do when their kids are older?

1:03:53

1 hour, 3 minutes, 53 seconds

When they're starting to raise their kids,

1:03:55

1 hour, 3 minutes, 55 seconds

if you thought it was bad because we had to deal with cell phones, Netflix, and all this other stuff,

1:03:59

1 hour, 3 minutes, 59 seconds

it's way worse. So, what generational curses will they be carrying?

1:04:04

1 hour, 4 minutes, 4 seconds

Yeah. You know, there's a scientific study, and I probably shouldn't bring this up because it has nothing no bearing, but this is really this is really crazy about technology side of

1:04:11

1 hour, 4 minutes, 11 seconds

it. There's a scientific study that just came out that has started noticing that babies's eyes are closer together and their backs are when they're born,

1:04:18

1 hour, 4 minutes, 18 seconds

they're starting to get hunched. And the reason being is because the generational genes are carrying and now because this is what I see

1:04:25

1 hour, 4 minutes, 25 seconds

this generation's doing. Has nothing to do with anything we described.

1:04:29

1 hour, 4 minutes, 29 seconds

That's okay. Those interesting facts though, we want to know. It's fun fact Thursday. Thursday. So,

1:04:37

1 hour, 4 minutes, 37 seconds

it's lawn crew Thursday crew Thursday, right? Empty cup of coffee Thursday.

1:04:43

1 hour, 4 minutes, 43 seconds

Empty cup of coffee. He's hungry Thursday.

1:04:47

1 hour, 4 minutes, 47 seconds

But, you know, the the the thing the the thing that is there's no one point that I could really point to and tell both of you guys this

1:04:56

1 hour, 4 minutes, 56 seconds

is what started it. Is it the alcohol that I had? Is it the abuse that I had?

1:05:02

1 hour, 5 minutes, 2 seconds

Is it the abuse that I caused? Is it the alcohol that I did? Is it the pills that I did? Is it the times that I laid in bed and had the 9 millimeter inside of

1:05:09

1 hour, 5 minutes, 9 seconds

my head? Is it any of those? We don't know. What I can tell you is the day that actually stopped, right? And

1:05:19

1 hour, 5 minutes, 19 seconds

all of those things and and to go full circle when we started the conversation,

1:05:23

1 hour, 5 minutes, 23 seconds

I wouldn't change it thing. I would love to have that opportunity to say bye to

1:05:30

1 hour, 5 minutes, 30 seconds

my mom. I would love to have the opportunity to look at my dad for the last time and tell him I loved him

1:05:38

1 hour, 5 minutes, 38 seconds

instead of him telling me I love you son and me looking in opening the back door and looking at him and go really cuz you

1:05:47

1 hour, 5 minutes, 47 seconds

have a funny way of showing it you piece of and walked out the door. Yeah,

1:05:52

1 hour, 5 minutes, 52 seconds

that's the last thing I ever said to him.

1:05:56

1 hour, 5 minutes, 56 seconds

So I would love those opportunities to go back and change it. He knows now because he's seen what I've done,

1:06:07

1 hour, 6 minutes, 7 seconds

right?

1:06:08

1 hour, 6 minutes, 8 seconds

So I hope and pray that there will be a day that I can stand in front of him and tell him that. But you know, at the end

1:06:18

1 hour, 6 minutes, 18 seconds

of the day, I wouldn't change a thing because it's put me where I need to be today.

1:06:23

1 hour, 6 minutes, 23 seconds

Yeah. Whether it's at 45 or 25 or 86, it doesn't matter as long as the journey starts.

1:06:31

1 hour, 6 minutes, 31 seconds

Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. So, you keep mentioning your moment.

1:06:38

1 hour, 6 minutes, 38 seconds

Let's talk about your moment. So, you you were saying that you were married to your first wife. You all had three children together, right? Two two daughters and a son.

1:06:46

1 hour, 6 minutes, 46 seconds

Yeah. And you said that you verbally and emotionally abused her. Mhm. Oh, 100%.

1:06:53

1 hour, 6 minutes, 53 seconds

And and you've acknowledged that. But you divorce because she finally has enough.

1:06:58

1 hour, 6 minutes, 58 seconds

And what happens after like directly after?

1:07:02

1 hour, 7 minutes, 2 seconds

Well, I can tell you right now. Let's What What happens next?

1:07:05

1 hour, 7 minutes, 5 seconds

Well, I can tell you if you go back and listen to Tara's story, we already know that Tara's been popping in and out of your life. Oh, yeah.

1:07:11

1 hour, 7 minutes, 11 seconds

Being a neighbor, you knew her in high school, all the things. So, Tara's repeatedly popped in and out of your story.

1:07:16

1 hour, 7 minutes, 16 seconds

Did she tell you about the brown pants she used to wear to high school?

1:07:19

1 hour, 7 minutes, 19 seconds

No, but let's talk about the brown pants. We can always we can always cut it out. That was that was eye-catching, man. That's what that's what started it.

1:07:27

1 hour, 7 minutes, 27 seconds

Them legs in that butt walking down the hallway in those brown pants at Katy High School in between Mr. Petros's class. Oh, that's funny.

1:07:34

1 hour, 7 minutes, 34 seconds

So, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can edit that if you want, but the funny thing is you can now text her and be like, "Oh, brown pants in high school." Really?

1:07:40

1 hour, 7 minutes, 40 seconds

Yeah. There we go. She talked about pants.

1:07:42

1 hour, 7 minutes, 42 seconds

She talked about this cute boy with curly hair. I I mean, for people who are listening, Keely does not have hair. No, no, no. Oh, I used to have an afro.

1:07:49

1 hour, 7 minutes, 49 seconds

I can show you pictures of it. I I had tight curls and blonde hair. Yeah. As an Irish As Irish boy. Oh, really? I'm Irish and British.

1:07:57

1 hour, 7 minutes, 57 seconds

You're going to have to give us a picture so we can drop that in in the Well, there's only one. And I've got these fake shoulder pads on and I'm in my under roots. But I got a jersey on.

1:08:05

1 hour, 8 minutes, 5 seconds

It's really funny. And my hair is just been curly.

1:08:07

1 hour, 8 minutes, 7 seconds

Yeah, you're going to have to give us that picture. We'll drop it in.

1:08:10

1 hour, 8 minutes, 10 seconds

Okay, that's fine. I'll show them. I have no problem. There's no shame in mine. I'll just show them. They uh but yeah so well rewind just a so yes we we

1:08:18

1 hour, 8 minutes, 18 seconds

had ties we had consistent ties um we never lived more than like 20 it's weird because you think of 20 miles

1:08:26

1 hour, 8 minutes, 26 seconds

you're like that's actually kind of far but when you live here now 20 miles is not far although it still takes you an hour to get 20 miles right

1:08:34

1 hour, 8 minutes, 34 seconds

but 20 miles really isn't that far but we actually started closing in closer and closer the older we got obviously um

1:08:41

1 hour, 8 minutes, 41 seconds

but when when she was a kid and she moved to a place. I was in Kingwood, which she was right there. Yeah.

1:08:47

1 hour, 8 minutes, 47 seconds

Just three exits down. And then when I moved to Victoria, she was 20 miles away. And then when we came back to Katie, she literally lived three

1:08:56

1 hour, 8 minutes, 56 seconds

neighborhoods to the right, which really wasn't that far down Mason Road, the vicinity. When we moved to our different house,

1:09:01

1 hour, 9 minutes, 1 second

she was just right across the street in a different neighborhood because they buted up next to each other. So, we were always right. Just,

1:09:08

1 hour, 9 minutes, 8 seconds

you know, God was like, "Hey, she's right here. you just step out of your box a little bit, you know? Yeah. Here's a girl I have for you.

1:09:15

1 hour, 9 minutes, 15 seconds

Yeah. Um but when when I did get married to to my ex and and we separated and then Terry and I ran into each other in November, like fully Well, actually,

1:09:24

1 hour, 9 minutes, 24 seconds

there's a couple of interactions here and there, she Facebook stalked me, I Facebook stalked her, and yeah, you all ran into each other at a wedding

1:09:32

1 hour, 9 minutes, 32 seconds

and yeah, so that was in December. That was her brother's wedding. Uh yeah, that was awkward.

1:09:38

1 hour, 9 minutes, 38 seconds

You all also ran into each other once when she was dating some some other guy at most. Yep. We were at a bar. I was at a bar. Yeah.

1:09:46

1 hour, 9 minutes, 46 seconds

She was there cuz he wanted to go to the bar and she had just deleted me apparently on Facebook cuz he had gotten upset. We won't name names and names to protect

1:09:53

1 hour, 9 minutes, 53 seconds

the innocent and or maybe maybe guilty at this point. Hey, but you know who you are and thank you. Thank you so much for that. I appreciate you doing that because it led to something bigger.

1:10:02

1 hour, 10 minutes, 2 seconds

Yeah. Right. Um, but she she told me she's told me she freaked out when she saw me cuz she knew she knew there was some energetic attraction to both of us.

1:10:12

1 hour, 10 minutes, 12 seconds

Not just physically attracting, but there was something deeper spiritual that was still kind of moving and pushing us closer together. And she said

1:10:21

1 hour, 10 minutes, 21 seconds

that she tried to walk through the door and keep going cuz she saw me to the right where the bar was. And he actually made a beline to the right. Mhm.

1:10:29

1 hour, 10 minutes, 29 seconds

And I just so happened to look over my shoulder and I see this beautiful blonde walking up and I was like, "Oh my gosh,

1:10:35

1 hour, 10 minutes, 35 seconds

that's Terra." And I was like, "Hey, how are you?" And of course, he gives me this look. And of course, me being who I was back then, I was like,

1:10:42

1 hour, 10 minutes, 42 seconds

"Dude, you ain't froggy enough. Don't even don't mess with me."

1:10:46

1 hour, 10 minutes, 46 seconds

And we just said hello and she was very awkward and very just kind of standoffish and and I was just like,

1:10:51

1 hour, 10 minutes, 51 seconds

"Okay, I'm going to grab my drink and have a great day." Fast forward to to November of 2014.

1:11:00

1 hour, 11 minutes

So, we're not sure who's lying here, right? And I say lying, we're not sure if she has the story,

1:11:05

1 hour, 11 minutes, 5 seconds

right? Or if the cell phone pictures have the story, right? Because I told her, "Babe, I think it was the

1:11:12

1 hour, 11 minutes, 12 seconds

day before Thanksgiving." She has sworn that it was the day after Thanksgiving,

1:11:17

1 hour, 11 minutes, 17 seconds

but I have the very first selfie picture she's ever sent to me, and it was the day before Thanksgiving. So, we don't know what to believe, right?

1:11:26

1 hour, 11 minutes, 26 seconds

It was around those three days. Okay.

1:11:29

1 hour, 11 minutes, 29 seconds

And she was at Moe's and I was at Moe's cuz I was told heavily drinking and she saw me and she told her cousins. She was like, "I'm going to go and talk to

1:11:37

1 hour, 11 minutes, 37 seconds

Keely." And it was like, "Okay." And I was off to the right. I didn't even I be honest, I didn't even know she was there. She wasn't sitting or standing in a normal spot. I always stayed close to

1:11:46

1 hour, 11 minutes, 46 seconds

the bar cuz it was really easy to get a drink at that point in time. And uh she walks up and she had her furry coat on and her white tight shirt and her blue jeans and her sparkly baseball hat. No,

1:11:57

1 hour, 11 minutes, 57 seconds

she didn't have a hat on. She had her hair in a ponytail. And my good friend Missy, who she's like a sister, she is a

1:12:04

1 hour, 12 minutes, 4 seconds

sister to me and she's now like her and Terra are super super close and they're like sisters too. And me and Missy were sitting there talking and she walks up

1:12:11

1 hour, 12 minutes, 11 seconds

taps me on the shoulder and we just started talking and going back and forth and I said, "Look," she mentioned the Facebook thing. Look, I'm so sorry I had

1:12:19

1 hour, 12 minutes, 19 seconds

to delete you on Facebook. Here's the reasons why she told me. We don't need to get into all that. Yeah, you can hear it on her story. Yeah.

1:12:25

1 hour, 12 minutes, 25 seconds

Oh, perfect. I'll go back to listen on her story. That's funny.

1:12:28

1 hour, 12 minutes, 28 seconds

And that's good because I can't speak to Exactly. So, she can. So, she told me the story and I was like, "It's okay." I said, "If we, you know, have you reconnected?" And she was like, "Well,

1:12:36

1 hour, 12 minutes, 36 seconds

I'll send you a friend request here in a little bit." And I said, "Okay, under one condition." She's like, "What's that?" I said, "You, you let me take you out on Monday night." And she thought about it and I was like,

1:12:44

1 hour, 12 minutes, 44 seconds

"Come on. like let's let's just let's just go out on a date. Let's do it.

1:12:50

1 hour, 12 minutes, 50 seconds

When I know deep down inside she's like the little school. Yeah. Right.

1:12:55

1 hour, 12 minutes, 55 seconds

I love how she squeals when she says your name. She's so cute.

1:12:59

1 hour, 12 minutes, 59 seconds

Cuz I mean now let's pause here for a second and let me just rewind a little bit.

1:13:06

1 hour, 13 minutes, 6 seconds

She was excited that moment in time because of all the BS that she had seen me posting on Instagram and Facebook,

1:13:12

1 hour, 13 minutes, 12 seconds

but all the happy moments and all the sweet things that I was covering up and just making people see. Yeah,

1:13:19

1 hour, 13 minutes, 19 seconds

it the perfect showman. You're seeing what I want you to see because I don't want you to see this. Look over here.

1:13:26

1 hour, 13 minutes, 26 seconds

Look over here, not here. So, she saw all those happy moments and all those times with my ex and my kids and she said to me on several occasions, gosh,

1:13:33

1 hour, 13 minutes, 33 seconds

what would it be like to be loved like that? So, the facade worked. Ding, ding. Kudos to me, right? Um,

1:13:41

1 hour, 13 minutes, 41 seconds

good job you.

1:13:42

1 hour, 13 minutes, 42 seconds

Yeah, love bombs. I was Well, I was a great love bomber. And I still to this day, she used that word.

1:13:47

1 hour, 13 minutes, 47 seconds

I'm great at it. Like, I'm still good at it. Like, and it's bad because I can admit this, but like I I literally did it two or two months ago. So, but the

1:13:57

1 hour, 13 minutes, 57 seconds

cool thing is we're on a completely different level. That could be a different spot later, right? Um, but so she said she saw all of that and she was

1:14:04

1 hour, 14 minutes, 4 seconds

like, "Yeah, okay. We'll go out on Monday." Like, "All right, cool.

1:14:07

1 hour, 14 minutes, 7 seconds

Perfect." Well, then then here comes Key, the love bomber, because I'm literally blowing up her phone on on Saturday night, you know? Hey, driving down the street,

1:14:16

1 hour, 14 minutes, 16 seconds

thinking about you, you know, love bombing the hell out of it. Yeah.

1:14:20

1 hour, 14 minutes, 20 seconds

And then, uh, I think Saturday rolls around and I think I told her, I was like, "Hey, look, I can't wait till Monday. Can you do tomorrow?" So, we

1:14:27

1 hour, 14 minutes, 27 seconds

went out on Sunday night. Am I Am I good to keep continuing or? Yeah. Okay.

1:14:31

1 hour, 14 minutes, 31 seconds

Yeah. You'll hear the camera turn off if you talk too long.

1:14:34

1 hour, 14 minutes, 34 seconds

Oh, great. So, on Sunday night, um I I remember going to get her flowers and then pulled up in the front of the house

1:14:41

1 hour, 14 minutes, 41 seconds

and my son, my son now, Harrison, my stepson, but he he is my son regardless, you know, he opens the door and he goes,

1:14:50

1 hour, 14 minutes, 50 seconds

"Hey, mom, your friend is here." Air quote friend. Air quote friend, right? With flowers.

1:14:56

1 hour, 14 minutes, 56 seconds

cuz I'm sitting there in a beautiful pink button-down shirt cuz real men can pull off pink. She walks out, she grabs the flowers and and that was the that

1:15:03

1 hour, 15 minutes, 3 seconds

was the instant moment I had with Harrison. I was like, "Oh, this dude,

1:15:06

1 hour, 15 minutes, 6 seconds

okay, he's a smart." Hayden walks up to the door and Hayden's got this big grin on his face like, "Uh-huh." Right. Okay.

1:15:14

1 hour, 15 minutes, 14 seconds

Just friends.

1:15:15

1 hour, 15 minutes, 15 seconds

Just friends. Yeah. And so we go out on a date and then we went to World of Beers cuz I was drinking and I wanted a

1:15:23

1 hour, 15 minutes, 23 seconds

beer. And I remember getting up from the bathroom and I just like as quirky as can be. I'm gonna kiss you right now. Okay. Okay.

1:15:31

1 hour, 15 minutes, 31 seconds

Okay. She was like, "Uh, yeah, whatever." And then, you know, the rest is history.

1:15:37

1 hour, 15 minutes, 37 seconds

And and I think back now, um, I really did her wrong. I did her dirty cuz there was I mean, I was a dude that was, you

1:15:46

1 hour, 15 minutes, 46 seconds

know, off of a just out of a divorce and all this other there was some very, very alternative motives behind all of it. I

1:15:53

1 hour, 15 minutes, 53 seconds

did have a thing for her. I did. I like She was beautiful. She'd been beautiful to me all the way to high school. And I knew there was She's a beautiful woman.

1:16:00

1 hour, 16 minutes

She is. And there was some kind of connection there. I just me being young,

1:16:03

1 hour, 16 minutes, 3 seconds

dumb, and stupid, you know, still trying to figure out who I was cuz, you know,

1:16:07

1 hour, 16 minutes, 7 seconds

the the male brain doesn't fully really 100% develop until late, you know, mid to late 30s. Still trying to figure all this stuff out. And I was just like,

1:16:17

1 hour, 16 minutes, 17 seconds

there were some alternative motives,

1:16:18

1 hour, 16 minutes, 18 seconds

right? And I did her wrong because she had saw everything. She saw the facade.

1:16:22

1 hour, 16 minutes, 22 seconds

I wanted her to see what was on the right, but not truly what was on the left. And so, yeah, that's what she got to see. And and I I I did and do love

1:16:32

1 hour, 16 minutes, 32 seconds

her with every ounce of my heart. And And it was instantaneous. I knew I was going to marry her. I knew from Christmas Eve. Yeah. Christmas Eve night

1:16:40

1 hour, 16 minutes, 40 seconds

of that year of 2014. I knew I was going to marry her. But um it was Christmas Eve night. Did she tell you the Christmas Eve night story? Is that the one that you got to go back?

1:16:49

1 hour, 16 minutes, 49 seconds

I don't know about that one.

1:16:50

1 hour, 16 minutes, 50 seconds

Okay. So the the that was the night I fell in love with her because well I'm sorry not fell in love I I was kind of already starting that but that was the night I knew I was going to marry her,

1:16:57

1 hour, 16 minutes, 57 seconds

right? But I was already in love with her. Like I was it was instantaneous.

1:17:01

1 hour, 17 minutes, 1 second

But you you still have to figure out is this person right for my people, my little children. Yeah,

1:17:08

1 hour, 17 minutes, 8 seconds

right. Cuz you have three and she has two,

1:17:10

1 hour, 17 minutes, 10 seconds

right? And so I remember picking the kids up and it was Christmas Eve night and I was like,

1:17:16

1 hour, 17 minutes, 16 seconds

"Hey, you know, we were living in an apartment and I said, "Look, we don't have anything to do. You know, y'all going to Christmas day to your mom's tomorrow and I'll drop it all off at noon." I said, "But I mean, you know,

1:17:27

1 hour, 17 minutes, 27 seconds

Miss Terra, they're doing Christmas Eve at their house. They got food and cookies and the boys are there.

1:17:33

1 hour, 17 minutes, 33 seconds

Okay, let's go. I'd love to see Miss Terra." Like, "All right, cool. Hey, we're coming. Okay, see you in a bit."

1:17:40

1 hour, 17 minutes, 40 seconds

And I remember telling the girls,

1:17:43

1 hour, 17 minutes, 43 seconds

they they had already knew we were going to come, right? I just had to swing the kids. And uh I told the girls on the way there, I was like, "Okay, look, let's

1:17:50

1 hour, 17 minutes, 50 seconds

let's be honest now. It's Christmas Eve night." Like, "Yeah, Rhett was one, so he didn't know any difference. Charlie was four and Bri was eight." I said,

1:17:58

1 hour, 17 minutes, 58 seconds

"The boys will be opening their gifts.

Chapter 5: Rock Bottom

1:18:01

1 hour, 18 minutes, 1 second

They have gifts. You don't. You are a guest in their room. Do not pout. Do not get pissed off.

1:18:10

1 hour, 18 minutes, 10 seconds

Eat the cookies. Eat the food. That's funny.

1:18:13

1 hour, 18 minutes, 13 seconds

Mingle with the boys. Talk to their grandparents. This is your time to introduce and meet me. So, I get read

1:18:19

1 hour, 18 minutes, 19 seconds

out. We go and knock on the door. And uh we open the door. We go inside and and

1:18:26

1 hour, 18 minutes, 26 seconds

there's mom. Carol. I call her mom and and pop. Mike is pop. Carol, her mom comes out and she's just like, "Oh, hey,

1:18:34

1 hour, 18 minutes, 34 seconds

you're Bryley and you're Charlie and this must be Little Rhett." you know, the high page voice Terry does. Yeah.

1:18:41

1 hour, 18 minutes, 41 seconds

And uh she just mingled and kind of just like welcomed them and made them feel good. And of course, Tara comes over,

1:18:46

1 hour, 18 minutes, 46 seconds

gives the girls a big hug, and the boy and gives Red a hug, too. And you know,

1:18:50

1 hour, 18 minutes, 50 seconds

Rhett being one, he's like, I just want to wrap my arms around whoever. I don't care. Um Tara's mom led led them to the

1:18:57

1 hour, 18 minutes, 57 seconds

middle room, and there is a stock pile of gifts. Oh. Oh,

1:19:02

1 hour, 19 minutes, 2 seconds

yeah. It still kind of makes me emotional. You're like, you're getting married. So, Oh, Tara and mom,

1:19:09

1 hour, 19 minutes, 9 seconds

they drove around all Christmas Eve day and got gifts for Brley, Charlie, and Rhett so they could have something to open,

1:19:18

1 hour, 19 minutes, 18 seconds

right? Wow.

1:19:18

1 hour, 19 minutes, 18 seconds

Yeah, it was it was it was cool. It was really, really cool. And then that is where the famous picture happened. So, we have a picture. Rhett's not in it cuz Rhett was already, like I said, he was one. He was already in bed.

1:19:28

1 hour, 19 minutes, 28 seconds

So, Christmas Eve dies down and then we go home and then that following weekend, I picked the kids up. The kids are like, "We want to go to Miss Terra's house."

1:19:36

1 hour, 19 minutes, 36 seconds

like, "Yo, we I have an I got I pay a pay money for an apartment." Like, "We got I want to go We want to go see Harrison and Hayden and we want to see

1:19:43

1 hour, 19 minutes, 43 seconds

Miss Terra. We want to go to Mer's house."

1:19:45

1 hour, 19 minutes, 45 seconds

I don't know if that can happen. So, I went called Terra. I was like, "Hey."

1:19:49

1 hour, 19 minutes, 49 seconds

Said, "Hey, babe. They they don't want to go to the apartment. They want to go home. They want to go to your house." Home. See? Right.

1:19:57

1 hour, 19 minutes, 57 seconds

And she was like, "Yeah, like to do what?" I was like, "I think stay the weekend."

1:20:02

1 hour, 20 minutes, 2 seconds

Oh, no. Yeah. She's like, "Okay." So, we did that and then that's where the famous picture happened. So, we have this picture of Hayden, Brryley,

1:20:11

1 hour, 20 minutes, 11 seconds

Charlie, and Harrison on the kitchen table. They are little. Um Hayden, I think was 10, Harrison was eight, Bryley

1:20:18

1 hour, 20 minutes, 18 seconds

was eight, and Charlie was four. And there is crayons and paper all over the desk, but they're all sitting there coloring and making pictures. It's a side picture where you can see all their

1:20:27

1 hour, 20 minutes, 27 seconds

faces, and and it's printed, and it's it's up in our bedroom. And that is that's what we call the famous Ford. Yeah,

1:20:32

1 hour, 20 minutes, 32 seconds

you know, we have the we have the Fab Five, but that's the famous four because that's the picture that that will always stick in our heart. And then two weeks later, we have the Fab Five picture,

1:20:41

1 hour, 20 minutes, 41 seconds

which I have printed and it's in it's in a frame and it's at Rhett's It was Rhett's second birthday. That was when that's when the family started. That's when we knew. But again,

1:20:51

1 hour, 20 minutes, 51 seconds

that's a nice story.

1:20:52

1 hour, 20 minutes, 52 seconds

It is nice. But she saw this. She didn't sign up for any of that.

1:20:56

1 hour, 20 minutes, 56 seconds

But she didn't realize that she was getting a dark side of you as well.

1:20:59

1 hour, 20 minutes, 59 seconds

No, she didn't. She thought she was getting the the Facebook side that she saw prior for years. In in your mindset,

1:21:04

1 hour, 21 minutes, 4 seconds

that's where you wanted to be. Like I wanted to be there. Like, okay, I can I this is a fresh start for me. I can completely start a new. Yeah.

1:21:11

1 hour, 21 minutes, 11 seconds

Um you hadn't worked on anything internal to get there.

1:21:13

1 hour, 21 minutes, 13 seconds

No, no, no, no. It was just more me saying, "Hey, cool. This is a great fresh start, you know, like somebody leaving town and moving to a different city and saying, "Nobody knows me here."

1:21:21

1 hour, 21 minutes, 21 seconds

Yeah. I can be who I want to be, but all of those generational curses, all of those those genes, they kick in and you start going down the rabbit hole anyway.

1:21:30

1 hour, 21 minutes, 30 seconds

And so it was great for the first, she might say differently. I think it was the first year, you know, was a lot of everyday hanging out, which is what we

1:21:38

1 hour, 21 minutes, 38 seconds

still do today, but it was it was more controllable, meaning, okay, I don't want to screw up totally out of the gate, so let's just be sensible about

1:21:45

1 hour, 21 minutes, 45 seconds

it. So when we would go out, I'd have like one or two drinks and mine was Jameson. So my choice was let's just go

1:21:52

1 hour, 21 minutes, 52 seconds

straight Jamo, you know, with a few couple of ice cubes and then call it a day or or like a big tumbler Super Bowl

1:22:01

1 hour, 22 minutes, 1 second

Sunday since it just happened. Obviously this is going to air much later, you know. But for the record, I'm glad the Seahawks smoked them. So um and I hope Eddie hears that.

1:22:12

1 hour, 22 minutes, 12 seconds

But I used to get tumblers and I would fill them all the way to top with Jameson, put a couple glasses of ice in or a couple ices in it and that was my thing. So I I would sit and think in that new spot that we were at like,

1:22:21

1 hour, 22 minutes, 21 seconds

okay, if I just had this, I should be good. Yeah, I'll control my drinking.

1:22:26

1 hour, 22 minutes, 26 seconds

Exactly. But then the then the real Keley started coming out. It started turning into two to three to four and it just kind of continued to spiral from

1:22:33

1 hour, 22 minutes, 33 seconds

there. And and she took it she took it like a champ. Everything that I did with my ex, I did with her. when you when you start that whole new series, you think

1:22:42

1 hour, 22 minutes, 42 seconds

that you can start off and and start with a whole new, but then the the darkness and everything starts creeping in. And to be quite honest with you, I

1:22:48

1 hour, 22 minutes, 48 seconds

didn't open up fully to her about really anything. And and to a point, rightfully so, as I told you guys

1:22:56

1 hour, 22 minutes, 56 seconds

at the beginning of this, I've got a lot of holes in my childhood.

1:23:00

1 hour, 23 minutes

I'm still putting things together by talking to my cousin and my uncle. I hadn't talked to my uncle in 25 years, and he just recently passed away. But I had a good six months

1:23:08

1 hour, 23 minutes, 8 seconds

where I was able to talk to him and start really putting some pieces together.

1:23:13

1 hour, 23 minutes, 13 seconds

But a lot of the things I've chosen to subconsciously probably put away and some of the books that I've been reading has really opened up those doors and and

1:23:21

1 hour, 23 minutes, 21 seconds

given me that opportunity to to see that. But yeah, so as I stated, I'm I was a great love bomber. I still am to this day. Like I can I can turn it on and turn it off,

1:23:30

1 hour, 23 minutes, 30 seconds

but it's a constant evolution of growth,

1:23:32

1 hour, 23 minutes, 32 seconds

right? You constantly have to grow. And now Tara and I are 45. Sorry babe. Um, she don't look it.

1:23:40

1 hour, 23 minutes, 40 seconds

Well, she don't and she we definitely don't act it either. Like we are still she's still one of the most amazing um

1:23:47

1 hour, 23 minutes, 47 seconds

loving outgoing people. Just tries to bring joy in our marriage every single day. And it sometimes it annoys the hell

1:23:54

1 hour, 23 minutes, 54 seconds

out of me. But, you know, like running through the like me coming through the door from office day and she just wants to jump up and put her arms around me

1:24:02

1 hour, 24 minutes, 2 seconds

like a monkey and it's like, "Oh my god." You know, so um you wouldn't know what to do without it, huh? Well, no. And and but we bring that up, too.

1:24:10

1 hour, 24 minutes, 10 seconds

She did not have the opportunity to to interview Tara because this was before Rachel came on board with Mona Diaries.

1:24:16

1 hour, 24 minutes, 16 seconds

So, she hasn't had the opportunity to meet bubbly.

1:24:19

1 hour, 24 minutes, 19 seconds

I would love to, though. You would love her. I watched her episode and she's and she seemed really bubbly. So, but I've not met her in person. Yeah. She's very outgoing like you.

1:24:27

1 hour, 24 minutes, 27 seconds

Yeah.

1:24:28

1 hour, 24 minutes, 28 seconds

Well, and so she got the really worst of it. If I had to compare my two marriages, see, my ex had the ability for me to get away. She She didn't. So,

1:24:37

1 hour, 24 minutes, 37 seconds

for the first seven years, she got every day. And so, it was it was snarkyism, if

1:24:44

1 hour, 24 minutes, 44 seconds

that's even a word. Nobody Google me on that. It was constant mental abuse. And that's that's no lie. Like,

1:24:54

1 hour, 24 minutes, 54 seconds

all right, it's all about being honest, isn't it? So, I'm a very vain person.

1:24:59

1 hour, 24 minutes, 59 seconds

Very vain. I am right now at the age of when my dad just stopped working out,

1:25:04

1 hour, 25 minutes, 4 seconds

but I have a plan for myself. Like, I have goals and ambitions. And I I would drive that in a lot deeper. And then it

1:25:12

1 hour, 25 minutes, 12 seconds

was pulling her joy. But we we have an understanding. She's a very beautiful woman. I love her inside and outside and and I always will. But I I work out. I

1:25:20

1 hour, 25 minutes, 20 seconds

want her to work out. But my purpose of working out now is completely changed.

1:25:24

1 hour, 25 minutes, 24 seconds

It's something different. It's a different reason now. Long story short,

1:25:27

1 hour, 25 minutes, 27 seconds

it's it's no longer me wanting to be the biggest guy in the room. It's me being able to pay with my grandkids when I'm 85. Yeah.

1:25:33

1 hour, 25 minutes, 33 seconds

And I want her to have that same joy because you've met her.

1:25:38

1 hour, 25 minutes, 38 seconds

If she doesn't have that joy and that ability to do that at 85, it's going to wreck her on the inside. So, I want her to have that same joy.

1:25:46

1 hour, 25 minutes, 46 seconds

But going back those first seven years,

1:25:48

1 hour, 25 minutes, 48 seconds

it was you're doing this wrong, you're saying this wrong, I don't like how you're handling this. It was just everything just kind of just I never

1:25:55

1 hour, 25 minutes, 55 seconds

really opened up about, in fact, we didn't talk about my parents.

1:26:00

1 hour, 26 minutes

It was easy. Like it was a very very short conversation. How'd you feel when your mom died? Well, it sucked. Let's move on.

1:26:07

1 hour, 26 minutes, 7 seconds

I mean, that was a stand of it. But I could give her all the advice in the world. Look, hey, let me forewarn you something. you really need to take advantage of the time you have with your mom because when it's gone, she's gone.

1:26:17

1 hour, 26 minutes, 17 seconds

How was it with yours? It sucked. Let's move on. So, it was those uh stonewall, right?

1:26:24

1 hour, 26 minutes, 24 seconds

Great, great way to cuz I'm still at that point. I'm still hovering. Like, I still wasn't ready to open up and and be who I truly was meant

1:26:31

1 hour, 26 minutes, 31 seconds

to be. But she got the she got the mental abuse. She never got the physical side, the the drinking. And I didn't drink every day. That was the problem.

1:26:39

1 hour, 26 minutes, 39 seconds

I'm a social drinker.

1:26:41

1 hour, 26 minutes, 41 seconds

So when I drank it was it was all or nothing. Yeah. You didn't have an off button.

1:26:45

1 hour, 26 minutes, 45 seconds

I do. I don't I would um keep her up knowing that she had to get up on Saturdays to work. So I get

1:26:54

1 hour, 26 minutes, 54 seconds

hammered. We'd start fighting. She just wants to go to sleep and I wouldn't let her. So I would keep her up till 6:00 in

1:27:02

1 hour, 27 minutes, 2 seconds

the morning and then pass out until 1 or 2 o'clock in the afternoon knowing that she had to get up at 9:00 to go and work at 10.

1:27:08

1 hour, 27 minutes, 8 seconds

So that was that mental and that that psychological abuse. And at that point when I finally got sober is when she said, "You might as well just beat me

1:27:16

1 hour, 27 minutes, 16 seconds

because it would have been a lot easier to get by that." She took it like a champ, man. She didn't need to.

1:27:25

1 hour, 27 minutes, 25 seconds

She She didn't deserve it. And to be honest with you, my ex didn't either. When I when I think about those moments, it's it's what I saw when I was raised.

1:27:33

1 hour, 27 minutes, 33 seconds

It's how we coped and how my dad and my mom showed each other love was as long

1:27:40

1 hour, 27 minutes, 40 seconds

as you're fighting with me, then I know you still care. It's the minute you're like, I'm good.

1:27:47

1 hour, 27 minutes, 47 seconds

And you just roll over and go to bed,

1:27:50

1 hour, 27 minutes, 50 seconds

those abandonment issues kick in. And I have abandonment issues. Bad. They first started with my parents. When I use the term abandonment, when it comes to my parents, God decided to call them home.

1:28:02

1 hour, 28 minutes, 2 seconds

And to me, I I had a lot of resentment towards God for that because he took them from me.

1:28:09

1 hour, 28 minutes, 9 seconds

And so that's that leave. I'm done. What I saw in my parents when they used to fight is they would fight, argue, and

1:28:16

1 hour, 28 minutes, 16 seconds

immediately make up. And what I connected those two as a kid, as a child, was he's quote unquote fighting

1:28:24

1 hour, 28 minutes, 24 seconds

for her love. He still cares. She still cares. There's something there. And so I use that as a crutch. And I used to tell Terry this all the time.

1:28:33

1 hour, 28 minutes, 33 seconds

You don't need to be scared when I'm fighting with you.

1:28:36

1 hour, 28 minutes, 36 seconds

If I ever stop, that's when you need to get scared. Yeah.

1:28:39

1 hour, 28 minutes, 39 seconds

Because I'm done. So there there was a part of the journey that was left out.

1:28:42

1 hour, 28 minutes, 42 seconds

And so when I kind of want to go back just a little bit pre pre-terror, too,

1:28:46

1 hour, 28 minutes, 46 seconds

just for just for a minute to the whole rock bottom thing. So I was locked up for a while. And so and I've been in and out of jail several times. And so I'm

1:28:55

1 hour, 28 minutes, 55 seconds

I'm actually in the process of getting my my mug shots. And notice how I put an S behind it. I actually almost had uh charges filed for a felony for almost

1:29:03

1 hour, 29 minutes, 3 seconds

killing a correctional officer cuz I hit him while I was drunk. You would think that sitting that time in jail would have been a rock bottom spot. And for me to reflect and be able to see and it

1:29:12

1 hour, 29 minutes, 12 seconds

really wasn't right. And so there's that connection of well dude, how much more did you have to have? It's it's all of this that leads up to that mental side and that that

1:29:20

1 hour, 29 minutes, 20 seconds

generational curse, those those deep dark demons that you just don't want to explore. When I went through this process, one of the best books I ever read, and I think we talked about it,

1:29:27

1 hour, 29 minutes, 27 seconds

was Dark Side of the Lightchasers. And what she had said in that book was so powerful that everybody when they're born, they're born in a house of 30,000 rooms. And then as you get older and

1:29:36

1 hour, 29 minutes, 36 seconds

you're told no or you see experiences or you go through beatings or you go through alcoholism, you go through this,

1:29:40

1 hour, 29 minutes, 40 seconds

you close those door, you turn the lights off to close the doors, you lock them. And then by the time we're at our 30s, we're living in a two-bedroom house in our mind and we're just too chicken

1:29:48

1 hour, 29 minutes, 48 seconds

to go downstairs and start opening doors and cracking them open because you're afraid what you're going to find. That's the hard part.

1:29:54

1 hour, 29 minutes, 54 seconds

Oh, that's a good to say. I love the way you put that.

1:29:56

1 hour, 29 minutes, 56 seconds

It's the hard part. And I've told guys this on the rigs and I've told this to to some clients that I've got too, is

1:30:02

1 hour, 30 minutes, 2 seconds

that you have to be willing to literally go in and open the door and at least

1:30:10

1 hour, 30 minutes, 10 seconds

crack it and turn the light on and see what scares the hell out of you.

1:30:15

1 hour, 30 minutes, 15 seconds

Because that's where the process all started. Was was I willing to reflect and see these things that I was

1:30:23

1 hour, 30 minutes, 23 seconds

putting her through? Because until you're up to that point, you have no idea what you're doing. The the the emotional cheating that I did. I didn't

1:30:32

1 hour, 30 minutes, 32 seconds

know that. Until Tara, I had no idea that's what I was doing. I didn't know. I thought it was just a way of life.

1:30:37

1 hour, 30 minutes, 37 seconds

When you emotionally cheat, you might as well have sex with them because you've already done it. You just haven't physically done it, right?

1:30:43

1 hour, 30 minutes, 43 seconds

But she was a champ. She took it like a champ for seven years.

1:30:46

1 hour, 30 minutes, 46 seconds

Yeah. the the verbal abuse, the the mental, psychological abuse that I did.

1:30:51

1 hour, 30 minutes, 51 seconds

Um, and and because of her, I had that waking epiphany moment of saying,

1:30:56

1 hour, 30 minutes, 56 seconds

"Wow, I'm doing exactly to her what I did to my ex and what I've done to everybody in my life. I did not reach out to people until I actually needed them."

1:31:04

1 hour, 31 minutes, 4 seconds

Yeah.

1:31:05

1 hour, 31 minutes, 5 seconds

So, this is going to be your big awakening,

1:31:07

1 hour, 31 minutes, 7 seconds

your catalyst that's going to shift you into looking at your accountability and start opening those doors. So, what actually happens for you to finally get there?

1:31:15

1 hour, 31 minutes, 15 seconds

Tara didn't find out. Tara knew she was worried, but I didn't know.

1:31:19

1 hour, 31 minutes, 19 seconds

And your defense, I had never even heard that word. Those I guess that phrase emotional affair. Yeah. Until Tara. You go. See,

1:31:28

1 hour, 31 minutes, 28 seconds

that was a new phrase for me. I didn't know.

1:31:30

1 hour, 31 minutes, 30 seconds

I need to know that on record, so I could tell Terry to listen to that part.

1:31:32

1 hour, 31 minutes, 32 seconds

Well, I we talked about that in her episode and I said, "You're you are the one who introduced me to that phrase.

1:31:38

1 hour, 31 minutes, 38 seconds

Let's talk about that. What is an emotional affair?" I had no idea. I mean it makes sense to me but to me I I I am in your shoes where I thought having an

1:31:46

1 hour, 31 minutes, 46 seconds

affair was when you cross that line of physical physical right but it makes so much sense to me that I think that might be

1:31:53

1 hour, 31 minutes, 53 seconds

worse when the emotions are attached to it. I don't know I haven't experienced it. So I'm just saying that so from my own standpoint because I know that's what you're big about is is my

1:32:02

1 hour, 32 minutes, 2 seconds

standpoint. Correct. Right. And so and and she she knows this so anything I'm about to say is is is is on record.

1:32:08

1 hour, 32 minutes, 8 seconds

Right. So, she's she's heard this several times. When I would reach out to her, she has her own life. She was busy.

1:32:14

1 hour, 32 minutes, 14 seconds

She worked. The abandonment would kick in immediately. And it's not by no means an excuse. I saw it as an excuse back then, but now I look at it as it was

1:32:21

1 hour, 32 minutes, 21 seconds

miscommunication on both of us. Me receiving it, her delivering it. She would pick up and she would be like,

1:32:28

1 hour, 32 minutes, 28 seconds

"What? I'm with a client. What? Nothing.

1:32:31

1 hour, 32 minutes, 31 seconds

I just wanted to talk to you, babe. I'll I'll call you later." Yeah. And then that was it.

1:32:36

1 hour, 32 minutes, 36 seconds

And then the emotional connection, the emotional affair happened with, "Well,

1:32:40

1 hour, 32 minutes, 40 seconds

they'll pick up. I'll just call him and talk to them." Was it anything more than that? No. You were trying to get a need met.

1:32:48

1 hour, 32 minutes, 48 seconds

Yeah. Yeah. And so, we've had those talks and conversations since then. And now it's She's really good at it now.

1:32:55

1 hour, 32 minutes, 55 seconds

Now she's like, "Hey, babe." She will she'll lean over and touch her phone because she's a hair stylist. She'll touch her phone with her elbow. Hey, I'm with a client, honey. I got Glazo on. What's up?

1:33:03

1 hour, 33 minutes, 3 seconds

Nothing important, babe. Just want to tell you I love you and say hi. Okay. Can can you call me later? Sure. Okay. She'll close it back or she'll text me,

1:33:09

1 hour, 33 minutes, 9 seconds

"Hey, I'm done. Are you free?" And then I'm like, "No, I'm in a meeting now." So,

1:33:13

1 hour, 33 minutes, 13 seconds

I love this because you have not had an opportunity to hear Tara's episodes because they haven't released yet and she talks about this how she did not answer the phone in a nice way.

1:33:23

1 hour, 33 minutes, 23 seconds

She tells this exact same story from her perspective and how she felt like she neglected you when you needed her, you know, because she said exactly what you said. I'd be like,

1:33:33

1 hour, 33 minutes, 33 seconds

"What? I'm busy.

1:33:35

1 hour, 33 minutes, 35 seconds

And that's the thing is, and so we we started understanding when we got to our big breakthrough, which, you know,

1:33:42

1 hour, 33 minutes, 42 seconds

without going too far detailed of it right now because I know the next episode. Mhm.

1:33:47

1 hour, 33 minutes, 47 seconds

Um, we started learning how to communicate and tell each other, "Here's where I'm at. Here's why. I need you to

1:33:54

1 hour, 33 minutes, 54 seconds

listen and understand, not listen to respond."

1:33:58

1 hour, 33 minutes, 58 seconds

And once she started figuring out that whole epiphany of, wow, I was 50% of the problem. Okay, my fault.

1:34:05

1 hour, 34 minutes, 5 seconds

And then it gave her the opportunity.

1:34:07

1 hour, 34 minutes, 7 seconds

Well, you've done this, this, this, and this. Of course, my stack's a lot higher than hers. But, you know, yeah, touche, right?

1:34:15

1 hour, 34 minutes, 15 seconds

Everybody has to own their partner problem, even if it's 10%. For sure.

1:34:19

1 hour, 34 minutes, 19 seconds

It could be 90, could be 10, but everybody has a part. Today, you're five years sober. No, I'm four years, five months. Wow. Congratulations. Congratulations.

1:34:27

1 hour, 34 minutes, 27 seconds

Yeah. September 21st, 2021 was my rebirth. Oh, that's amazing. You're a miracle.

1:34:35

1 hour, 34 minutes, 35 seconds

Yep.

1:34:35

1 hour, 34 minutes, 35 seconds

So, what is the moment that makes you finally quit drinking, take accountability, want to be different? My rock bottom,

1:34:44

1 hour, 34 minutes, 44 seconds

which is she was leaving. She was out on September 6th was my birthday. Uh I got completely hammered on Jameson and uh Yelink.

1:34:55

1 hour, 34 minutes, 55 seconds

They had just released it in Texas a week prior to my birthday and I was all excited because I used to I used to get it from Louisiana and drink it because it was just like to me it's like the

1:35:02

1 hour, 35 minutes, 2 seconds

best tasting beer whatever and I was all excited. I did not know that was going to be the last time I was going to drink it a week after it got released in Texas.

1:35:10

1 hour, 35 minutes, 10 seconds

But I got completely belligerent,

1:35:12

1 hour, 35 minutes, 12 seconds

hammered, took it out on and it went even a step higher that weekend. It went from not just being her, it went to being my kids who we already had, you

1:35:21

1 hour, 35 minutes, 21 seconds

know, we already had the girls living with us. And so it went from me yelling at her and not even in a private setting to right out in the kitchen in front of all the kids. And then I tore into them,

1:35:32

1 hour, 35 minutes, 32 seconds

too. So September 21st, I go in to the bedroom. She's got her big suitcase packed and she's ready to rock and roll out. You got one opportunity and this is

1:35:41

1 hour, 35 minutes, 41 seconds

the only one you're going to get. So we need to go to the patio and talk. You're either going to save it or you're going to break it right here. But you better tell me everything right now. Because if

1:35:49

1 hour, 35 minutes, 49 seconds

you don't come clean now and you don't start making changes now, I'm done. I'm out. I've got my stuff packed. I've already had this conversation with my mom. We've got the whole scenario worked out.

1:36:00

1 hour, 36 minutes

So, it's your time to put up or shut up.

1:36:02

1 hour, 36 minutes, 2 seconds

And that was it. 5 and a half hours later on the back patio. You made a decision.

1:36:07

1 hour, 36 minutes, 7 seconds

I made a decision that night. And what scared me is when we finally, I guess five and a half hours later when when everything had been spilled.

1:36:17

1 hour, 36 minutes, 17 seconds

Everything. I mean everything.

1:36:22

1 hour, 36 minutes, 22 seconds

Some of my deep dark secrets that nobody's ever heard. She tells me, she said, "This this isn't just going to go

1:36:29

1 hour, 36 minutes, 29 seconds

away." She said, "This is going to be the hardest time of your life because if you think I'm going to make it easy on you, you've you've given me hell for seven years. So, you're really going to prove it that you deserve me.

Chapter 6: Conclusion of part 1. Join us next week for Part 2.

1:36:40

1 hour, 36 minutes, 40 seconds

So, September 21st is going to be the big shift where you're going to start taking some accountability. We're going to pause there with your first episode

1:36:48

1 hour, 36 minutes, 48 seconds

and we will pick back up next week with your tools, your transition, and the boons that come out of this situation. So, thanks for joining us today. Thank you for joining us.

1:36:58

1 hour, 36 minutes, 58 seconds

We're looking forward to next week. Yes, we are. Can I wear my George next week? George? Yeah. That was really funny.

1:37:07

1 hour, 37 minutes, 7 seconds

Thanks for joining us on the Monomoth Diaries. If this episode resonates with you or someone you know, we'd love for you to share it and spread the inspiration. Don't forget to follow us

1:37:15

1 hour, 37 minutes, 15 seconds

wherever you get your podcast or on YouTube to stay connected. We'd appreciate if you could take a moment and rate and review the podcast. It helps us reach more people with stories

1:37:24

1 hour, 37 minutes, 24 seconds

of transformation and growth. You can visit us at monommydaries.com or text us directly from the show notes to reach out and keep the conversations going.

1:37:32

1 hour, 37 minutes, 32 seconds

Until next time, heroes, let's journey together through our monomoths.