Intentionality in the Crossroads: Conscious Choices in Relationships and Communication

Have you ever found yourself at a crossroads, where the path of impulsive decisions diverges from the road of intentional living? This episode of Carlos Speaks illuminates that junction, inviting you into a space where every voice resonates, and every story holds the promise of insight. Today, we delve into the profound impact that our choices have on our lives and those around us. This conversation isn't reserved for the pious; it's a heartfelt dialogue open to all comers, exploring the belief that our talents are gifts to be shared for the greater good.

Parenting and partnerships often place us in the crucible of decision-making, and here, I open up about my own trials—from unexpected fatherhood in my undergrad days to navigating the nuanced ballet of co-parenting. These personal anecdotes serve as a backdrop to the broader theme: the power of approaching relationships with purpose rather than leaving them to the whims of impulse. As we discuss the complexities of relationships and the echoes that our actions leave behind, the episode becomes a reflective journey into the art of living with intention, fostering lifelong harmony in the process.

The episode crescendos with the topic of communication—a symphony of intent versus the dissonance of chaos. How we express ourselves can either build bridges or walls, and I invite you to ponder the weight of your words. Engagement is the lifeblood of this podcast, and as I share my thoughts on the deliberate effort required to truly connect, I encourage each listener to contribute their voice to the ongoing conversation. Let this be the catalyst for profound dialogue in your own life, as you join us in enriching every interaction with heartfelt intentionality.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:01

Carlos here with the Carlos Speaks podcast, episode three. Thank you for joining me, thank you for joining the conversation, and I am happy to be here today. Today's episode, I think, is going to be one of the ones, and what I mean by that is that I think I might cover some things that might be very close to the hearts of a lot of people, including mine, on the forefront. But before we get into that, right as I've said previously, I want to always spend the first part of an episode. I'm just asking question comments and feedback from the previous episode. Even before that, I hope you're well. I hope your mind is clear. I hope that you are in a place of peace in your life and in yourself and if you're not, I pray that you find that sooner than later. I hope that this conversation kind of aids in that. I pray that you find something in this conversation that would encourage you, motivate you and help you push forward through whatever adversity and difficult time that you're facing in your life. I'll be right into the comments from the previous episode. I want to take a moment to appreciate one of my good brothers, william Q Rice. He is a phenomenal, amazing realtor in Columbia, south Carolina. Right, so I think I just did my first promo, my first ad, right, I'll send you the invoice. William, now I'm just joking. Will and I have been very close since undergrad, so it's been at least like 12 years since I met him. We've always had a mentor-him-mentee relationship and he gave me some feedback regarding the podcast and he said every experience that you have been through is to help someone else. The great thing is that you have never been afraid to stand in your truth. I don't talk to you every day, but I've watched you evolve. You're a weightlifting and speaking is a movement. Litfit is a movement, so keep it going. I just want to publicly give him his roses and my gratitude. He's somebody I respect and I look up to. So for him to have that feedback, to allow my voice into his space, I'm grateful. I'm grateful, and to everybody else that has given me their continued support, I'm grateful. I also have the live stream going on right now.

Speaker 1 3:09

If you see me kind of distracted, it's because I'm trying to read the comments as I go. I won't promise to touch on them, because I want to ensure that the flow of the episode is specific to what we're talking about today. Now I have gotten some very provocative I think might be the word questions regarding the previous episode. The first question that I'm going to address is was a DM it says is this a churchy podcast? The answer is absolutely not, 1000% not a churchy podcast. This is a conversation. Every episode is a conversation. There may be times where I reference God and what he's done in my life. You know what I mean. But this conversation is for everybody, regardless of what you believe, what you identify with, what you align with. Maybe there is room at the table this table, my table for everybody, everybody. I don't care about any type of maybe divisive thing about you that have excluded you from other other spaces, but that does not apply here. There is room for you, I don't care what. There's room for everybody at this table. So this isn't a religious based podcast. I'm not affiliated with any particular church. I am here to provide a space for everybody to feel included in the conversation.

Speaker 1 4:51

Next question was do you feel like you're in your calling? So I think it's a very personal question, very thoughtful question, and I'm going to answer it. I personally believe that the gifts that God has given us are never to serve us. That's one thing that my mom has always told me Our gifts are never to serve us. They are to serve the people around us. Now those gifts are associated with what you're calling is so. I believe this is what I was saying. I believe that I'm called to connect people with one another, and I'm called to connect with people. I'm called to express, to talk, to motivate, to encourage, and that's it for me right now, with where I am. So that being my calling, as I express it, as I accept it right now, yes, I do feel like the Carlos Speaks podcast is my calling and I think some of the things that helped me support that is the feedback that I get, the feedback that I've gotten. Now, that's not to say that I live and I die by what people think, right, because what people think may not and will not always align with what I intend to do or what I aspire to do, so you have to take it with a grain of salt. So, yes, ultimately, I do feel like this is associated with my calling.

Speaker 1 6:37

Next question, some ideas being said. You mentioned that you're divorced from multiple women. First of all, two baby, two, one, two Baby where's have meanings? I am divorced from two women, your views might be biased. Would you consider inviting them to join the conversation in the future? Short answer is yes. Personally, I would love to have either one of them join the conversation Not at the same time, maybe. I think that requires a whole lot of selflessness, number one and self-awareness. But no, I would definitely invite them. If they reached out to me and said hey, I want to join the conversation, I would make room for that.

Speaker 1 7:38

Now, if I'm going to be transparent, it probably wouldn't be live streamed, right? Because my truth and whatever my truths are are associated with the truths of other people and if just because I'm in a space to express my truth does not necessarily mean that the person or people that are attached to my truth are ready to express theirs, right? So I would never put anybody in a position where they're expressing things that they haven't grown through or that they're ready to talk about, or that they may ever want to talk about. So, to answer that, yes, but I would definitely ensure that I create great space for their feelings. My feelings Ain't no telling. Look, I might get on that pie, guys, and I might regress. You hear me, god is not through with me yet, but nah, that's that. And again, to everybody who subscribed to the YouTube channel, to every comment that I got DM that I got like that, I got share, I am grateful. Thank you so much for lending your attention to me. I appreciate that Today's topic that we're gonna delve into is impulsivity versus intentionality, and this is very close to home for me, because a lot of my personal and internal growth has fluctuated between these two dynamics in my life.

Speaker 1 9:16

Yeah, when it comes to being impulsive, baby, my friends, my circle, my parents, my exes, everybody will tell you. If it crossed my mind, I'm probably gonna do it without thinking about it twice, so let's just hit it here first. Right, impulsivity are the things for me. This is how I define impulsivity. Impulsivity are the things that pull our attention to it, the things that give us that instant gratification, the things that give us that instant sense of fulfillment. Ooh, that sounds like a great idea. Ooh, this person might be perfect for me. Ooh, this situation pleases me right now.

Speaker 1 10:03

The problem with impulsivity is that it is very, very often fleeting and it leaves rippling and residual and often negative effects. Yeah, baby, we had a time last night, but I gotta deal with it today. Come on somebody. So impulsivity, I believe, are the things that distract us with desire. Right, this is good for the moment, but this is not good for my time, so to speak. Now, the other side of that, of course, is intentionality right, the things that we intend to do? Right, the things that we have to do, the things that require focus, the things that require our resources, our time, the things that require accountability right, those are the things that benefit us long term, not necessarily right now. Right, because for intentionality, it often requires a phase of seeding, come on, it requires a phase that I allocate and I use my resources for the desired result. That will come at some point in time. So the sense of gratification or the sense that I did it will come, just not right now.

Speaker 1 11:44

Impulsivity plays on our impatience. Impulsivity plays on our impatience. Impulsivity is the result of our inability to be patient. There's a reason why I don't use the script, you hear me because, listen, impulsivity is a result of our inability to be patient. Imagine if you had waited a little bit longer and knew then what you know now. Come on somebody. So my life has definitely been and ever circling merry-go-round of those two things. But when we get to a place where we can be intentional about the things that we do, be intentional about the places where we spend our time, our resources, our lives right, we have a much more significant result that is long-term right. So how does that apply to finding our way? So I think there are a number of sectors in our lives to which we could apply this, this relational dynamic between these two concepts.

Speaker 1 13:18

One thing that I have personally struggled with is the concept of being lonely versus the concept of being alone, the concept of being lonely versus the concept of being alone. And I was having a conversation recently, actually this morning, with a very close friend of mine and it was surrounding a connection she had with the person and this person kind of revealed themselves to be lacking regarding who they portrayed themselves to be. And I think that ties in. It is because oftentimes, who we connect with right is based on how we feel regarding being alone and being lonely. Standards go out the window, baby, when I'm lonely, baby, you say your name is what you say, you free when you're trying to come over right, because I'm looking for that companionship that I am being impatient for, waiting for a connection that will serve me right and serve who I'm called to be, serve who I am called to become right, which means we have to turn the filter on and that filter, baby, more often than not you're going to catch trash before you catch a treasure, right? But sometimes the trash looks so good, sometimes the trash just. And it looks even better, baby, when I'm lonely and I'm tired of waiting, right, we justify the lack of quality for the sake of just having a good time, right? And that's why we're not asking somebody quantity, right?

Speaker 1 15:44

And I think a lot of us, some of us, not a lot of us we have the inability to be alone because we're afraid of being lonely, right, but it is in the season of being alone that we often do our best self-work. Come on somebody. That phase right after a breakup, right, because we were with trash and not treasure, that glow-up phase, it's a big hit, baby, you know, buckled down, got you a four-year degree in three months because your feelings with her right and you were able to channel all of that energy, all of that frustration from that failed relationship into yourself. Yeah, you were alone Immediately after that breakup, baby, you was alone by yourself and you can lean on your friends, you can lean on your family, but there's nothing that anybody can do or say that would give you immediate relief from being lonely after dealing with what you thought was it for you because you failed to have those standards in the beginning. So let's delve into that.

Speaker 1 16:56

So I have two children, right. Who they are is irrelevant to this episode of the podcast, right, but I had my first child my senior year in undergrad. Right, and if we're going to be honest and this platform was created for honesty and transparency there was a lack of communication as it pertains to boy. All right, so let's do it. My son's mom is an amazing woman Yep, very, very amazing. She's a beautiful person. She's an amazing mom, right. She's very well-educated, a professional. Right. She takes all the boxes and the boxes yeah, I definitely said the boxes, but she takes all the boxes and the blocks and we have an amazing co-parenting relationship. Right.

Speaker 1 18:14

When we met in undergrad, we met via Twitter, right, twitter was popping at the time. She was fine. I slid in them DMs and I was like yo, what's good, what's good with you. I'd like my son to say I put that Riz on her right and we met and they had a great time and fast forward. Right? We found out that she was pregnant with my now son.

Speaker 1 18:47

So when she found, we found out she was pregnant, the conversation then became all right for me because of the type of person that I am. All right, what is our trajectory? Right? I said, look, you know, south Carolina has no room for me, like, south Carolina does not have the capacity to hold when I'm destined to do and be. And she said, okay, well, that's crazy, because I don't want to leave. I Enjoy the community I have here, I enjoy the family that I have here. You know, I enjoy the support that I have here in South Carolina. And I looked at her and she looked at me and I said, dang, this is Crazy, because there is no way to find common ground in that, Unless somebody gave in right, unless somebody said I'll leave or I said I'll stay right.

Speaker 1 19:50

So if I look at the reality of the situation, if I, if I you know my favorite word Delineate if I delineate that entire experience to ones and zeros in a way that makes sense I was impulsive With her I Can't, I can't speak for her, right? I can't give her the responsibility of my contributions to what the situation became right. Um, so I was impulsive right, I'm out here making a do-it-do right, and um, I liked intent. Because if, if intent was Driving my experience with this beautiful, capable woman, then we would have had the conversation that said, where are you going, where are you going? And then the answer would have been parallel or Intersecting with where I'm going, right, and we would have been able to communicate through right, those Differences in trajectory and identify whether or not we were headed to the same place.

Speaker 1 21:05

Intent versus impulsivity, right, we turn a good time into a long time, and that's and that's just that's just being one thousand percent honest. Like these are the things that a lot of us don't want to say out loud, but we have to say to ensure that somebody, somewhere, takes a moment to say I need to stop what I'm doing, I need to implement and seed intentionality right now, before my impulsivities catch up with me. And and that's just real talk, right, so we were able to forge an amazing relationship. My son has an amazing life. I say amazing. Right, he might say something else great kids but we have a very seamless Co-parenting relationship because we were able to together seed intent for how we want to raise our child, right? So so now that co-parenting relationship is driven by intent, not impulsivity, right? We don't, we don't. We don't co-parent on a day-to-day, we co-parent on long term, what we want for our child and how we can cohesively make that happen.

Speaker 1 22:20

Right, I told y'all is gonna be honest on this podcast. She probably gonna beat me up, listen, if she hears this episode. You're like why? You see, that ain't even you ain't even had the. I said Sorry, I still watch a game. So Now let's just drive the boat Right to the next hour as it pertains to the gravity of impulsivity versus intent.

Speaker 1 22:54

The next stop On this boat is going to be my experience with marriage, one of my marriages. In one of my marriages and I'm gonna say one of, because, baby, I don't, I might get hit with a Sees, and this is so in one of my marriages, right, I Met her and it was everything. It was Head over heels. I'm talking about boy. Like this, is it for me? I have blinders on dog, like it was. You know, there is nobody else that exist In life. Like, let's listen, legitimately, baby, the world is yours. Everybody else gonna have to find somewhere to live. That's how deep in Emotion that I was for this woman, and nobody can tell me anything different at all not my mama, not your mama, not my family, my friends. No, I'm baby, I am in it for the long haul, right, even when I'm in here.

Speaker 1 24:09

Family. She has an amazing family, an amazing group of people, very loving, very giving. They are some of the most genuine people that I've ever come across in my life. I truly believe that right, and I'm not just saying that because I don't want to be sued, I'm saying that because it's true. So when I met them, we went down to where they were for a holiday.

Speaker 1 24:41

She comes from a very close knit family and you know how one of those spaces in relationships is like the anticipation of meeting the family. Right, you're like, oh well, you know, my dad is this, my mom is this, my grandma is this, right, all of those things right, and they kind of like build up a feeling of anxiety in your partner because, baby, I'm about to what, I'm about to meet who. These are the most important people to you All, right, well, let me make sure I'm on my piece of cues, let me make sure. You know I got the drip on, like you know, prepare myself. And so when I met them right, it happened the thing right where somehow I'm pulled off to the side, right, and I found myself in a dark room right, with the light on. No, it wasn't that deep.

Speaker 1 25:38

But now I was talking to her family and of course, the question very quickly became what is your intent with my daughter, my granddaughter, my sister, my cousin, right? And I said very plainly, very quickly I am going to marry this woman, I'm going to do that. And so, to my shock, the response was are you sure? Right, so for me it wasn't. You know, I thought that the response would have been okay, good, right, okay, like you're in the right path, like congratulations, right, all of those things, cause we have been dating for some time when I met her family, so I wasn't a stranger to them. But for the response to be are you sure? Have you looked at this thing? Like, have you evaluated what it is and the gravity of what you're saying, right? And I'm like hell, yeah, yeah, man, yes, yeah, there's nothing you can tell me about this woman that's going to make me say anything other than I'm going to marry her. That's it, that's it, your honor, that's it, that's all. But in hindsight and and you know it was crazy, like when I, when I told her about the experience, you know my immediate immature, impulsive driven reaction was they don't want me to marry her. That's, is that not weird? Like what? Maybe I don't think they. You sure they like me, right? But hindsight, of course being 2020, was that they were concerned about the intent and to be aware of what might be impulsive. Right To this day, I consider had I taken a moment to be intent driven when I said that Right?

Speaker 1 27:44

Intent gives you the opportunity to learn about what it is you desire to have. Intent gives you the opportunity to learn to the fine. Right. I desire to be married, baby. I ain't took not one marriage Bible study, bible course. It was in. No, no, marriage counseling, pre-marriage counseling, baby. We are here shooting in the dark, hoping we hit a target, and there was probably a lot of trauma that could have been avoided had we done those things right.

Speaker 1 28:22

And again, I can only speak for myself and, as a man, I consider it to be my responsibility to drive a relationship, so to speak, right. Even that is a conversation for another day. However, it's my intent to express, or my responsibility to express intent in a relationship. Right, I intend to be in a relationship with you. I intend to marriage you. Right. And I intend then, because action right, it goes from I intend to be in a relationship I to I am ready to be in a relationship with you. Is that something you want? And then the answer I intend to marry you. Is that something you want? And the answer but impulsivity says hey, what's good, what's good, gary, like hey, we outside with it, it feel good, it look good, we vibing, let's do it. And more often than not, that is impulsivity. See, intent requires a long haul baby. Intent requires hard conversations.

Speaker 1 29:25

Intent requires you actually receiving critical feedback from your partner, from your role models, right, from unbiased parties. And intent requires that you listen to something, to somebody. Impulsivity says I got it. I listen for what. Impulsivity says I don't need the instructions, I'm going to put it together. And are you putting it together? And it's just rickety. Is it want to be Right? So those are two very profound examples of my personal experience with impulsivity and intentionality. Now you know, being a millennial, right, shout out to the gang. Right, this is my. This is my fourth time being 30. I ain't go cap, right, I, that's. That's why I'm at with it.

Intentionality Versus Impulsivity in Life

Speaker 1 30:16

So I understand that there are spaces in our life where we struggle with wanting companionship, right and and needing the time to build ourselves Right. We have to deny ourselves of the desires that will bring us immediate and fleeting gratification. Those things bring no real value. It's like eating a salad thinking you're going to be fooled, baby, there ain't no calories in that. You're going to be hungry in 10 minutes, but you're going to spend the money on the salad. You don't spend the time it took to eat the salad and there's no real benefit.

Speaker 1 30:55

And I think a lot of times we lose track of the fact that life, baby, is, is an hourglass. And the more time we spend delving into our, our impulsivities, into those desires that have, you know, get rich, quick effects, right, all they waste our time and and and now we got kids with people we didn't even want to be with. We got kids with people we don't even like. Oh, I can stand you, right, but because I had an impulsive thought or an impulsive action, baby, I'm connected to you for the rest of my life Because a lot of times, a lot of times when it comes to like I don't, I don't.

Speaker 1 31:43

I personally I don't take any effect or offense to the term baby daddy at all. I don't bother me, right? But again, that's me. That's my personal experience with the word baby daddy. I know that some people feel offended by that, by that term. I mean I don't.

Speaker 1 32:02

So the point that I was going to make was that a lot of times, baby daddies, baby, you know, mothers of children, fathers of children, co-parents, whatever you want to call it they think that they're only connected to that person for 18 years. No baby, no, it's five, ever. That baby has to graduate high school, potentially graduate college, trade school. That baby won't get married. That baby is gonna have kids of their own. That baby's gonna buy a house, that baby's gonna do all kind of things that's gonna require your presence. Get comfortable, you know. However you do, that is your business, but I need you to understand that life exists after 18 for that child. Again, just my experience and then the way I see things.

Speaker 1 33:00

But impulsivity causes us to be reckless with our time. Impulsivity requires us to be reckless with our emotional space. Right, think about the lack of space you make for yourself because of impulsivity. Right, when you go through trauma. There has to be time taking to heal, to grow from right. And when that doesn't happen, baby, you're bleeding on people that never hurt you, because you think that you're not traumatized. You don't see the blood because you were blinded by the desire, right? And so you meet somebody who is potentially intent, right, or what they want to do with you, and your impulsivity looks like intent to them. Right, it seems like you're ready, but you're really not right. It's a crumbling front and what's gonna happen is when that intent clashes with the fleetingness of your impulsivity, baby, more trauma is bound to occur because that turns into I thought you wanted this. Ooh, I thought you was ready for this. You said, you acted upon, you acted like, and now we don't know what to do in their reaction to our impulsivity. Right, we have to understand that there are people out here who are ready to seed the rest of their lives and if I take my seed and I put it in your impulsivity, baby, destruction is gonna grow from that. Trauma is gonna grow from that, more brokenness is gonna grow from that.

Speaker 1 34:49

So what are you being driven by? Are you being driven by your impulsivity? Are you being driven by your intentionality? And watch.

Speaker 1 34:57

This intentionality doesn't connect itself with just anything or anybody. They're qualifications, and we get frustrated sometimes with those qualifications because it's gonna deny a lot of people, it's gonna deny a lot of situations, it's gonna deny a lot of spaces that we feel like we desire to be in. And your intention says you can't do that, you can't vibe with that, you can't be a part of that, and so you can either just decide to continue to be intentional or you can give way to impulsivity and, baby, I promise you it ain't too many impulsive decisions that I made that had a long-term benefit. I can't speak for you, I can only speak for me. And, baby, I'm paying for a lot of my impulsivities to this day, to this day, right, and the question that I ask myself very often is what if I had been intentional? How much time could I have saved, how much trauma could I have averted away from recklessness, brokenness, breaking other people, wasting other people's time, manipulating other people because of my impulsivity? I could have avoided so much of that. But here we are and I gotta spend so much of my time, so much of my life fixing things that I broke because of my impulsivity, and that's that. That's that, that's that. That's that. That's that intention versus impulsivity.

Speaker 1 36:53

And I hope that this conversation sparks other conversations that involve you, that involve other people. That gets the conversation going, as it pertains to holding the people we love accountable, right, I love you. Is what you're doing intentional or are you being impulsive? You're my friend. Is what you're doing impulsive or is it intentional? What's gonna be the result of what you're doing? The result of what you're doing? Have you defined your desired result? Is that something you need to cook or something you need to put in a microwave? Right, and I love my friends and I love my circle. That keeps me accountable to what I intend to do. Right, and that can be delineated all the way down to how you conversed with your partner, your family, your friends, your children.

Speaker 1 37:55

Right, what I intended to say, what I intended to convey, what I wanted to explain, are these things right, and communication requires intent. Chaos only needs impulsivity, and that's that. On that, guys, and that's the conversation for today and I appreciate you joining it. Right, and I make space for you. Right, leave your comments, shoot me the DMs and we can get you included and plugged into the conversation and that's gonna be today's episode. Again, I hope you're well. I hope this conversation gave you something to take with you, something to chew on right, to tinker with right and to spark conversations in other spaces. Again, be well and we'll be here the next time.