Carlos Speaks Podcast
Looking for a podcast that will fill you with motivation, encouragement, and self-love? Those are the things that I hope to convey here with the Carlos Speaks Podcast. It is my hope that this podcast was creates an open think space to express, communicate and learn. Plug in to hear empowering stories and valuable insights that will hopefully ignite your passion for personal growth and positivity.
Carlos Speaks Podcast
Navigating the Depths of Male Vulnerability: A Journey in Communication, Healing, and Authentic Living
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Embarking on a voyage through the uncharted territories of male vulnerability, I bare my soul in an episode that dives deep into the essence of masculine communication. Reflecting on the echoes of past discussions, it's evident that the tapestry of men's emotional expression remains delicately woven and often neglected. Through the lens of my personal experiences, from the collapse of my first marriage to the heart wrenching aftermath of my second, I unravel the threads that bind us to outdated stereotypes. This episode is an intimate portrayal of the arduous yet necessary journey toward becoming a more nurturing communicator, a journey laden with the courage to dismantle old mindsets and the wisdom to share one's truth without the shadows of aggression or silence looming overhead.
As the narrative unfolds, we navigate the intricate ballet of post-divorce relationships and the consequential decisions of parenthood that loom on the horizon. We explore the art of setting boundaries, a lesson bestowed upon me by a wise family member, which has become a pillar of my own self-growth and mental fortitude. In this testament to the power of personal boundaries, I extend a heartfelt invitation to listeners: may you find the strength to recognize your limits, embrace grace, and embark on your own transformative journey toward healing and self-discovery.
Learning Effective Masculine Communication
Speaker 1Hello and welcome back to the Carlos Speaks podcast . I'm your host , carlos , and I know I say it like almost every time now , but I really feel like today's episode is going to be one of them once , because we're delving further into learning to communicate , as it pertains to my experiences through my childhood into adulthood and then how it transpired into my first marriage and divorce , and I ain't gonna cap y'all . That was a lot . Yeah , episode four was definitely a lot , and I appreciate the outpour of support , the comments that said thank you for your honesty , your transparency . I got a lot of feedback that said I'm going to give this to men in my life , which is what it's for that particular or this particular series Part One , part Two , whatever else comes is to initiate conversations with men . Right , not necessarily focusing on the exclusion of people who are connected to women or anything of that nature , just getting to a point where we can encourage men to have conversations in spaces where they can really express themselves . You know what I mean , and I think having that general idea of what , mike , I look like because I express this is one of the biggest hindrances that we have . What if I look weak ? What if I don't have my thoughts together and I cannot convey or articulate what it is . I'm really trying to say , like those are real internal hindrances that cause us to not say anything , and for me , I've chosen to take control of my life and the way that I exist by saying no , this is on my heart , this is on my mind , this is what I want to say , what I want to express , and I can choose and will choose to do that . Nobody has the power or right to silence me in any way . No , they might not listen , that's fine , but I won't be silenced , right , and that's where we're going to take you today . But before all that , thank you for joining me . I hope you're well and if you're not well , I hope that you're taking steps to be well . I hope that this conversation gives you something that can contribute to your well-being Maybe the ability to express , maybe a different way to say , things that you're feeling and to just stand on business about you . I pray that by the end of this episode , you're encouraged in some way , shape or form .
Speaker 1Yeah , so , going into questions from the previous episode , I think the biggest question I got following the episode was are you going to have that conversation with your ex-wife and , to be honest , I have , I've expressed these things and I feel like there was a very honest conversation where she was able to express her frustrations , going into the marriage , in the marriage , going into the divorce and even now after the fact , and I'm glad that I had the opportunity to allow her that space . So that conversation was had . Are we friends now Was also another question . No , no , I don't consider us friends . I know , while hope , and it's been conveyed , that there is no ill intent or no hard feelings , but I would be remiss or naive to ignore the rippling or residual feelings that associate with divorce . I like to believe that forgiveness has been given , but at the end of the day , there were things that occurred that will not be forgotten and no matter or no , no amount of atonement or accountability can take away what that initially felt like for people involved . So the answer is that you know today's episode .
Speaker 1You know I've been trying to get this episode up out of me for a week and a half . I've been trying to get it out right and every time I sit down to get it out , something happened . I started recording maybe a week ago and my computer died right , or I was traveling , or I had obligations that just kept me from getting this conversation started , and I truly believe that everything happens for a reason . I believe in divine intersection , and there were some interactions and conversations that occurred between episode four and episode five that I would be remissed to not mention , and I believe that those things happen to be contributing to today's episode , where we talk about learning to communicate from a masculine perspective , and I'm going to rely on my experiences with my second wife , my second marriage and my second divorce . Now , I have to be honest and say that this is still , quite literally , a healing space in real time right now . There are some parts of this that are still very much live wired right . You look your finger and you touch it . You might get shot right , and so I am going to give my best effort to keep this Unbiased . I'm going to try to keep my feelings in check , because I control my feelings . My feelings do not control me , right ? So I'm going to be honest about the sensitivities that lie in this conversation . So let's get into it .
Speaker 1Following my first divorce , right , there's a lot of dismantling that I had to do for me my mindset , my emotional well-being , the mentalities that I had as it pertains to marriage . I had to take all of that apart to create the authentic , unbiased , unconditioned , anti-institutionalized version of what I wanted in my life , of the kind of husband I strive to be and the kind of marriage that I wanted . And so , coming out of the traumatic experiences that I contributed to that I caused in my first marriage , it was like whew , baby , I did way too much , my bad game , I'm sorry . And so that kind of pushed me into this space where I needed to be softer , I needed to be more understanding , I needed to be more nurturing , and I said , okay , let's do it , let's do it , let's take off the misogyny , let's take off the bullheadedness , let's take off everything that makes me a hard man .
Speaker 1I need to learn to communicate effectively and softly . If I have to raise my voice to convey my point , I'm not communicating effectively . If I have the curse to drive my point , I'm not communicating effectively . If I have to walk out , storm out , if I got to throw things , anything that has a reactive , explosive response to what is being said is indicative of the lack of efficiency and effectiveness of the communication . You should have the curse . You should have to raise your voice , you should have to throw things to get your point across , and if you have to do those things , I suggest you sit with yourself and then you sit with whatever party is involved with that space with you , because that explosivity and reactiveness is the precursor to trauma . Sorry , there we go .
Speaker 1There are signs that lead up to traumatic experiences and I believe that one of those major contributing factors is ineffective communication . That is forced , because now I'm reacting to how what is being said , not what is being said . Come on somebody . Now , with all that being said , again , I'm trying to be a soft man . I did this before in my life , but I know what being a hard man got me and I don't want that anymore . I ain't doing that anymore . So that's where I am . I didn't go to therapy after my first divorce . I did for me what I consider to be the self-worth . It's like all right , I can objectively now say this is what happened . I can , this is what I feel about it , and these are the things that I believe that I need to fix moving forward in my life . High-key should have went to therapy . High-key should have went to therapy . All right , now that's out of the way , that's where I am .
Speaker 1So there I am in Virginia Beach at the time , and a very close friend of mine was performing at a spoken word event , me being a poet and being his friend . I was like , bro , what's good , you need a plus one . And he was like , yeah , come on . And so I'm like , all right , bet . And so y'all know me when I start stuttering . I got to give it to you how I got it .
Speaker 1So I go to the event , I get there after him and there's a problem at the door , because the woman at the door is saying hey , gang , it's $25 to get in . And I'm like , first of all , $25 on a Saturday at 3 o'clock in the afternoon ? Absolutely not . Burns is still chirping Like it ain't even outside hours . What you need , $25 ? Beyond all this , I'm a plus one , I'm with him . I'm with him , go get him . So of course , she's giving me pushback and so she goes to get the host of the event . This beautiful woman walks up and she says what's the problem ? And I'm like oh , what's the problem is that I'm here with my friend who is featuring today . I miss plus one . And he told me I get in on his ticket . And this beautiful woman says that's absolutely right . I apologize for any inconvenience . Come on in , what handle business , did I like it ?
Speaker 1So the event starts , right , and the same beautiful woman opens the show . Right , there's a beautiful poem and I am in Thrall do you hear me ? I'm , I Forget it Saturday at 3 o'clock in the afternoon . So the event goes on . It's a beautiful event , very well organized .
Speaker 1My homeboy does his thing , he always does , and at the none of so , there is an open mic portion of the show , right , and me being a poet , a poet , a performer and I've already seen in this room what I want to pursue , let me make myself known . So I get on my , I do one of my best forms , right , and I'll talk about Killed it . And the host comes up to me after I'm done and takes the mic , of course , and of course I brush against her fingers gently , right , because I'm doing that . I'm a Renaissance man across the Nova , a classic man , if you will , right , so it's the little things , right . So she got her like look at me at the side of her . I'm like , oh you , baby , yeah , I'm gonna go ahead , and really , right , um .
Speaker 1So anyway , the Event comes to a conclusion and I'm like alright , it is time For me to do what I do , for me to take a shot . And let me tell you something , baby , I hear from a half court on a bad day , right . So I approach her and I and I do what I do , I say what I say . I can't get y'all free game , I gotta . I'm gonna say that for our masterclass on , you know , courting women today , but anyway . So we agree to go out , right , and it was the next day and we exchanged contact information and this beautiful , well-spoken woman stands me up Y'all .
Speaker 1I was at the restaurant all time . That was seven pm . We was a meat that together . I got there at 645 , I got a good table or there's some wine , did everything a classic man would do , and she stood me up To call text . No response . And I'm like this is insane . This is but me . I don't know who you thought it was , but it ain't who you think .
Speaker 1So I Leave and as I'm leaving , she texted me and it's like oh my god , I'm so sorry , I was asleep right , and and anybody who knows me knows that when it comes to me and who I'm connected to , how I'm treated , I'm standing on mittens , the standards go stand every time . So I'm like I don't need your word about it's cool wheels of pleasure to meet you , be well . And she hits him back . She's like no , no , no , no , no , no . I Was legitimately asleep and in my mind , it don't matter what you's doing , because you didn't prioritize the plans that we made . You wasted my time and I can't get that back Right . So I said no , no , no , it's
Navigating Relationships and Parenthood Decisions
Speaker 1cool .
Speaker 1So she calls me and she's like no , I want to make it up . Like how can I ? I said what you can do is come pick me up Tonight , same night . I've already eaten , right , get you some me . And there is a Poetry show tonight and I would love if you would take me . And she says , okay , that's different , be ready at now . Okay , sure enough , she comes to give you at nine , all right . And I'm like okay , I can get past you standing me up . Maybe you will sleep for real , let's go . So we go to this portion spot and we have an amazing time . We can make , we converse , we , you know , we vibe , she touched the mic , I touched the mic , had an amazing time . Come at my spot after the the Poetry show and we , you know , we talk , and I'm like in my mind , I'm like this is Amazing , I Like her a lot , right ? So fast forward Again .
Speaker 1Please consider that I am in a very transitional stage of my life freshly divorced , learning to be softer , to be more accepting , right , and this is indicative because I'm like , okay , cool that you can make it up . I believe that I Overcompensated in my willingness and want to be nurturing , to contrast against the Hard , rigid man that I was . So I went from not allowing anything To allowing everything in a relationship yeah , wild times . So I say all of this to say and again , I'm trying to be Honest and unbiased . So this relationship occurs and we do not communicate effectively .
Speaker 1But in my mind , I'm like no , this is the hard part of relationships . Right , I got to go through the ineffective communication . I got to go through the fight . I got to go through the traumatic reactions , right , and what I mean by that ? I got to deal with who this person has become in response to the traumas that they've experienced in their own life . So I got to deal with the survivor version of you , the version of you that you create to protect yourself , to make sure that the hurts that you've experienced previously in your life . Don't hurt you again , baby . The wall is up and nothing , not even the good things , are getting in . But I'm fighting for my life to keep you up . But I like you , I may even love you , I desire to have you sexually and those two things are conflicting , because I want you but I'm not going to let you in . Ooh , right .
Speaker 1So in my mind I'm like I got to deal with hugging the cactus . Right , because the cactus needs a hug . But hugging the cactus means that I am injuring myself to provide emotional support , because I'm in this place where I'm trying to be understanding and nurturing and compassionate and soft . Come in , bring it in . I'm hugging the cactus , I'm hugging the cactus , I'm hugging the cactus , I'm hugging the cactus and at some point you get tired of hugging the cactus and you become a cactus yourself .
Speaker 1No , baby , grace is on , ran out . I got time today . So that adds to the reactiveness and the explosivity and the precursor to trauma and the presence of the inner thought of communication . Baby , it went from you yelling to we yelling . Yeah , gary , I got time today because I'm getting to a place where my kindness is being taken for weakness , right , and rather than remove myself from the space .
Speaker 1No , I'm in it . I'm in it to win it now . Right , because we're together , because we've created this aesthetic , this image . Right , our experiences have become one , and I don't want the stigma associated with another failed relationship after my marriage just crashed and burned . So I got to do this one now . I got to stay here because of what might be said if I don't Crazy as hell , I'm putting up with this . Because of what might be said about me , insane in the membrane . So all that growth and nurturing and trying to be understanding that I'm trying to implement in myself , that I'm trying to express and convey , baby , we run out . Now . We're both contributing to the ineffective communication .
Speaker 1And one thing about that baby is going to get worse the longer it exists . May it go from a dole . Knock at the door . Right , that's the explosiveness . Right there too . Yeah , now we're moving furniture , so to speak , and at some point I should have just left . I should have just left , but I was staying in a place that was desolate , because I was desperate to save my image . Carlos didn't want another failed relationship , not because of what it would do to me , but because of how I would be seen and I'm traumatizing myself for the sake of an image .
Speaker 1And I realized in that space in my life that we think people care about what we look like more than people really care about what we look like Crazy . So this goes on , goes on , goes on , and I don't leave in the fight to get worse . And we've forced it Both of us . Both of us contribute to this negative relational space that we're in . Nobody left . In hindsight it would have been so much easier to say we tried , it didn't work . And I appreciate the experience and I encourage you to sit with yourself and ask yourself is the space that I'm in right now contributing to my well-being ? And it doesn't have to be a relational space . It can be a friendship , it can be a job , it can be , you know , a sneak healing , it can be whatever space that you're involved in . Is my participation in this space benefiting me ? And the answer is no , baby , you got to do something . So these are lessons that I'm learning in hindsight , because , of course , hindsight is 20-20 , baby , you blind when you in it . So thanks .
Speaker 1She calls me one day from work and she says hey , I got second work , they gave me a pregnancy test and I'm pregnant Now . We had agreed initially that children weren't necessarily a priority for our relationship . Yeah , we had that conversation , but when she called me again , my ego drove the boat . She was like what are your thoughts ? And anybody who knows me , they know that I'm very much so pro-choice of the woman . I was there , I did what needed to be done to put us in this predicament and this pregnancy is going to affect your body more than it will mine . What are we doing ? And she says , well , I like the idea of a family and I'm like , oh my God , we would be such a beautiful family .
Speaker 1And I allowed myself to be enthralled with the idea of having a successful marriage and family Because you got to think about it right , my first kid I had my senior in college , one thousand percent unexpected , but I did what needed to be done for a child to be born . So that's my responsibility . I didn't have any children from my first ex-wife , so this is my opportunity . Listen to what I said . This is my opportunity , which translates into this is good for my ego If I married this beautiful woman and I have this beautiful baby . And so the idea of us being a family took over and all sense , logic and reason slid right out of my mind and I'm like , oh my God , let's do it , because this will fix our problems , but this is going to make us so much better , oh my God . So I called my mom and I was like mom . I almost said her name , I'm like mom , so there's some news , so-and-so is pregnant , and my mom loved us too .
Speaker 1I just feel like everybody loved us , everybody loved us , and we did not love each other . Dang , I don't think I've ever said that out loud , but it's true . I think we really liked one another and I think we liked the idea of one another . But , if I have to say in hindsight , everybody loved us but we did not love each other . So everybody was like , oh my God , this is so beautiful . Oh my God , I'm so happy for y'all . Right , or you'll get married .
Speaker 1And at this time , I think we found out at the beginning of March that she was pregnant . Now , mind you , at the end of February , we had a massive fight , massive fight . No , it wasn't abusive physically , but we had a fight , fight , and that fight was indicative of the fact that it was time to go . I got a really good friend of mine . His name is PJ , god rest his soul . He died during COVID , but PJ used to ask me . He was older than me and he used to ask me he said , los , how loud is God's alarm clock in your life going to have to get before you wake up ? With every ring of the alarm clock , some crazy happening , and those things that are happening are growing in their negativity and their significance . So , yeah , everybody is ecstatic for us and we're making the best of it . Oh , my God , you know we start .
Speaker 1I start talking about marriage . We found out in March , april , may , so in April timeframe . I said so what's up ? You know you're trying to be my wife , you're trying to be Mrs Bryant , you know what's what's good and you know , we kind of bantered back and forth about it and ultimately I decided I'm going to ask this girl to marry me Again , driven by my ego it's delulu delusional land .
Speaker 1I got a VIP pass telling everybody who will listen how loved I am , how in love I am and how this is going to be the premier marriage . You know , all dumb as hell . I was all dumb , but I wasn't honest with myself and I wasn't honest with her and I definitely wasn't honest with the people around me . I lost a lot of friends in that relationship due to the relational dynamic that we had . I have a lot of female friends , right , and it's not but just by design . Have you met women ? They're , they're an amazing time , even platonically , right . So , with that being said , this relationship didn't hold space for those friendships . So it's very much so , me and this , this woman , relationally , you know .
Speaker 1So May comes around and setting up this elaborate proposal , right , it's beautiful surprise . She had no idea was coming . What we did plan together was a surprise wedding , which I think was also beautiful in its own way . So that is , again , completely ineffective communication , like we . We were dragging each other through this experience , right , but I am determined to stay and force it to work . I'm determined to stay in this space of incompatibility and hug the cactus , even though I too have now become a cactus .
Speaker 1Our marriage don't last seven months , don't last seven months . And , if you can do math , baby , we didn't even last to the point where my baby was born . Right , and that Experience was traumatic . I can't speak for her , right , but I can only assume that it was traumatic for her as well , that it was so dark , when we could have just left . We could just had a conversation that said look this , this ain't it . We're here now . It is what it is . Let's focus on being what we need to be for the sake of this child . This child was , I believe , cuz , cuz , even love , and I want to Support and honor that for the baby right , and we did . We didn't . We forced what should not have been forced and we paid dearly for it . So we separate .
Speaker 1There are some Experiences that we had that I am not Going to delve into , but they were climatic Enough to say absolutely not , we ain't doing that and we did when I separate ways , separated , ended up divorcing and I'm compressing , of course , but even the separation and the divorce was difficult to go through because of the inability to communicate , to receive , to give Right and I'm not saying this is everybody's experience , not at all when I'm saying is the Abilities to communicate can prevent trauma ? It can be . It can prevent residual and secondary effects of Trauma . So Between those two experiences , I went from being rigid and Unmoving to being too accepting , because if I had found Proper balance then I could have been aware of myself Enough to say we now we ain't doing this . I Appreciate who you are as a person . Thank you for experience and thank you for your time . Please be well , but I wasn't aware of myself enough and I wasn't able to communicate those things Right . So , even to this day , I Think we are very functional co-parents , but that is a space that I think and I believe that an increase in the Effectiveness of communication can save .
Speaker 1So I'm going to conclude this series by encouraging you to Choose you In every sense mentally , emotionally , spiritually , all the things and to choose you in a way that makes you aware to the compatibility of you in whatever space you're in . Again , this is it specific to relationships ? This is it specific to Friendships or jobs whatever ? Whatever space or relationship or connection that you are a participant of ? Consider and ask yourself am I choosing me in choosing this relationship ? And that can be difficult sometimes , because if we talk about grace and forgiveness , those two things can be leveraged against choosing us .
Speaker 1I want to give you grace , but if I give you too much grace now I'm sacrificing myself , now I'm delineating my boundaries , now I'm diminishing the business that I'm standing on . If I forgive you , right and and then and I allow you to do it again and I forgive you again and I allow you to do it again . Baby , you beating my ass and I'm letting you . So at what point do I say I forgive you , but I can't put you in the space to do it to me again ? I Forgive you , but I have to restrict your access to me . I Forgive you , but that is not a requirement to stay connected to you . I Forgive you , but in my forgiving you , I'm going to choose me In my grace . I'm going to understand that you don't have the capacity , capacity to hold what I have , to hold who I am . And Grace says that's okay , I can accept that without giving you anything .
Establishing Healthy Boundaries for Self-Growth
Speaker 1I have an uncle . His name is well , it doesn't matter what his name is . I got a look , I got you used to being on a podcast . I have an uncle and my uncle told me a long , long time ago when I was like 15 . He said nephew , let me tell you something . You can never fit a 20 by 20 dream Into a person . That can only exist with a two by two mentality . And I wish I had remembered that that day in Virginia Beach , because I was driven by ego and not logic , because had I remembered that I would have been aware of my capacity and I would have been aware of the space in which I'm trying to put it and I would have seen that I can't fit here .
Speaker 1Grace and forgiveness does not create an obligation to continue the trauma .
Speaker 1Grace and forgiveness does not create the obligation to continue the trauma . These were some very difficult things to experience , but the wisdom and the understanding of myself and the awareness of myself and how I exist in the lives of other people has been invaluable . So I ask you in closing when are you going to stop the trauma ? When are you going to choose to establish healthy boundaries that filter in the good and keep out the bad ? I pray that you do that sooner than later , before there are residual and permanent effects , permanent scars , permanent connections . That's what encourages you today , and I hope that today's episode helped you gain some insight into yourself , into others , and I hope that my expression of self can encourage somebody , because if that can occur , that means I did what I was supposed to do . If I can only encourage one person , I did what I was supposed to do . But yeah , that's going to wrap us up today . I appreciate you for your time and your ear and I pray that you be well . Thank you .