Carlos Speaks Podcast

From Calling to Covenant: Why Process Matters More Than Titles

• Carlos • Season 3 • Episode 2

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Ever called yourself ready before you were tested? Carlos opens up about the gap between who we say we are and who we’ve actually become—and why that gap shatters expectations, strains relationships, and turns small misunderstandings into big wounds. With disarming honesty about past divorces and a firm commitment to growth, we map a clear path from calling to covenant that avoids the shortcuts culture keeps selling.

We start by challenging title inflation: husband and wife aren’t self-awarded identities; they’re roles conferred by covenant and sustained by practiced skills. Carlos breaks down the sequence that actually works—compatibility, becoming, then covenant—and shows how skipping steps creates brittle bonds. Along the way, we unpack what “agreement” really means: shared values, explicit terms, aligned vision, and the stamina to repair when conflict hits. If you’ve ever leaned on churchy phrases or Instagram quotes while avoiding real formation, this conversation offers a needed reset.

The heart of becoming is practical: clear communication, gentle strength, and grace under pressure. Carlos’s lunch break story reveals how assumptions and ego invent “imaginary problems” that magnify real ones. We talk about learning to see yourself in a conflict without self-condemnation, turning offense into understanding, and practicing the kind of grace you expect to receive. This is a call to slow down, build the habits that make you safe to love, and enter covenant with eyes open and tools in hand. If you’re dating with intention—or rebuilding after pain—you’ll leave with a grounded blueprint you can actually live.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs the mindset shift, and leave a quick review to help more people find these mindful conversations.

SPEAKER_00:

Alright, and we're back. We're back with season three, episode two of the Carlos Speaks Podcast. Episode one was very well received. I really like the new format of the podcast where it is a mindful conversation. As you know, I I never really leaned into the uh fancy production. I I don't follow a script. Um it's it's very real, authentic conversation in real time. Um so I can appreciate that it is it has been well received. Um as I have been saying since season one, hey, this is one of them ones. This is one of those ones, um, and I believe that this is one of those necessary conversations that I hope will bring us to a point where we can have real conversations with ourselves that will empower us to evolve our mindset. Um so we we we gonna get into it. This is season three, episode two, and today we're going to discuss how important it is to not disregard the process of becoming in order to be. What do you mean, Carlos? I'm glad you asked. You are not something when you have not endured the process to become said something. Um educationally, we call it matriculation, right? Once you matriculate through an institution of higher education or higher learning, then you get the degree. Once you get the degree, then the additional letters are attached to the background of your name, your title. Um, I think it is very important to disassociate who we want to be from who we are now. That come back, come back, come back, come back, zoom back in, zoom back in. Um, case in point, it really irks me when people call themselves husband or wife when they've never been married, and the reason why is because in my experience of being married, there are nuances and complexities that come with covenant. Okay, I'm already talking good. I know I am, because there's a version of me that I'm talking to, right? Um, so what do you mean? Let's let's break this down into layman's terms. As a man or woman, you are called to become, become, is going to be very key in this conversation, a husband or wife. But in the relational sense, it is the covenant that makes the calling tangible. I know I'm talking good because I'm talking to me. What do you mean? I'm called to do something, I'm called to be somebody, I'm called to elevate, but in order to manifest the result of my calling, there is a process that I must endure first. So if I skip the process, I cannot become. If I cannot become, then I cannot be. Regarding the state of being something, leaning into it further, if I come into a situation believing that I am something, then my mindset and my level of expectation is going to match who I think I am when I've already ignored the process. So my expectation is flawed because the foundation is flawed of my thinking. Okay. Let's lean into it more. Covenant says this has to work. If you believe in traditional marriage, right, then to an extent, divorce, right, is usually not an option. I am twice divorced. Trust me, I I hear me as I'm talking. Let me tell you something. Segwing, my my my marriage will I will not be a third-time divorcee. I assure you. I assure you, there will not be a third time for me. Um, and the reason why, watch this, and the reason why there will not be a third divorce for me is because I'm embracing the process that is required to become a good husband. Oh, I'm see, meaning I'm not a husband now, but I have had the experience of being a husband before. So I have had the experience of covenant because I have I have taken the calling and attempted the process, right? Right, that covenant requires. People will drop out of college every day. People skip the process every day and fail to become what they set out to become. Right? So if I come into covenant without the process, then I'm coming into covenant with unfounded expectations, right? Let's let's make it relatable. If I meet a woman and this woman tells me, I'm a I'm a wife already. I'm a wife. I've just been I'm just waiting on my husband. Number one, that's already fundamentally flawed. Because how can you be a wife without a husband? Right? You're a woman waiting for the process of becoming a wife to start. Okay. Or husband. I'm not a husband because I'm not in covenant with a woman. It's the covenant that makes or and and and because sometimes I think us as church cultured people, we can just we just assume that people know what things are. Covenant means agreement. Right? It means there is a sound decision that is made on both parts to pursue the same um goals, values, and vision, is what I'll say. There is symmetry, there is a duality to covenant, to agreement. You sign, I sign. And there is a very clear terms and conditions to which we're signing to. This is what we want our marriage, our covenant, our agreement to embody. Right? So if I meet a woman who tells me that she's already a wife, and I don't lean into that, I don't address that, I don't get clarity in what she means, then I am going to associate what my definition and what my expectations of a wife are on her, and we're not married. That's already flawed. That's that's make that make sense to me. Because now I am expecting the the the level of consideration that a wife would have, not a girlfriend, or not a woman, meeting a man where he is and deciding if there is compatibility that will lead to covenant. I am talking to me because that's what happened to me. A lot of us who were raised in church culture, we know the things, we know the scriptures, right? Proverbs 31. Uh, he that findeth a wife findeth a good thing. He that findeth a wife findeth favor with the Lord, right? And we we we bypass the process that is associated with the creation of covenant, and we wonder why we're in covenant with people we don't like, and just as fast as you rush into that covenant, you're trying to rush out because you have not endured the process of making room for somebody in your life, so when you meet conflict in an unfounded covenant, you say this can't be God. Oh, I'm talking good, because you've not endured the things that come with the process, the refining that comes. Because if covenant is that this is it, we have to make this work, and you've never made room for a husband, you've never made room for a wife, then trial by fire is gonna kick you up out of that covenant. Stop trying to skip the process of becoming. We want to be so bad, and there's so much work internally that goes into the process of becoming. Oh my god, it took me so many trial and errors in order to learn how to become a soft man in order to learn how to be a gentle man, right? Without having the the association of gentle and weak. Because as a black man, I gotta go out into this world and fight every day, and there is a process that occurs in relationship, and the process of being with somebody who is not my wife, right? That creates and cultivates my ability to give grace, and if I skip that and I run straight into marriage or covenant with somebody, I don't know how to give grace, so now you feel like I'm angry all the time, and it's true I am. It's true I handle you like I handle outside because I have not gone through the process of learning how to disassociate the two, and oh, we miss God. Oh, we can't get along, we miss God. You ain't never had to get along with somebody before when there was no out. Because as soon as there is disagreement, as soon as there's conflict, this can't be God. Never mind, you are not my husband, never mind, you are not my wife. When in actuality, you have never gone through the process of dealing with healthy conflict. You don't know conflict resolution. I know, I know, I know the truth can be very uncomfortable sometimes. Luckily, you can listen to this podcast in your headphones, and ain't nobody gotta be in your business. Yeah, yeah. So many times I I I hear people um say, I'm this, I'm that, and and I ask them, all right, well, what qualifies you to do that? What qualifies you to be that? What experience do you have in that particular area of of existence? Oh, I'm no, I mm I've done all the things. Okay, what have you done? The things. What are the things? Well, the things, tell me. What experiences have you had in your life that caused you to create grace from nothing? What are some times in your life where you step out of a fence and into understanding? What what what what examples of conflict resolution have you had that have influenced who you are? Those are the things. Those are the things. Cool, love languages, okay. You know, even fight styles, okay. But the process of becoming are the questions, right, that dig into clarifying what has influenced who you are now, what has influenced your thought path now, and and and what are the things and characteristics that you believe are necessary for covenant, necessary for marriage, and what has cultivated those things? What do they look like in action? We can say all the prayers, we can do all the fasting, we we we can read all the scriptures, but the application of what we've read, the application of what we studied or or tried in the process, tried in the experience, you can say all day, the Bible says turn the other cheek. Can you turn the other cheek when that man got on your nerves? When he did not buy you flowers, when he failed to do what he said he was gonna do, can you turn the other cheek then? Can you also see where you need the other cheek turned? Can you see yourself? Can you remove your offense and understand what you contributed to the situation that has caused your partner to have to turn the other cheek? What did you do that was offensive? And these are, trust me, I I I these are the things that I had to sit with by myself. Because watch this a failed covenant, right, gives you the opportunity to see yourself if you choose to look. Because all those failed relationships, all those failed engagements, all those failed marriages, they got one thing in common, baby, issue. And we have to ask ourselves what did we contribute to the failure of this covenant, to the failure of this relationship. And if you are unable to see yourself in the failure of those covenants, in the failure of those relationships, you're gonna destroy people for the rest of your life. Because God's grace is sufficient, very often hours run out for each other, and more often than not, we need the same grace that we're refusing to give people, and it's the process that creates our ability to remove offense so that grace can come. You know what, babe? It's okay. You had a crazy day today, and I can understand how this thing you said you was gonna do for me slipped your mind. It's okay, it's okay. That is a process. You hear me? That is a process because we live on self-preservation, and as soon as somebody fails to show up for us, we're ready to nail them to the wall. But grace says, I understand. I understand, and I'll give you a case in point, and I don't usually do this, but there was a time in one of my marriages, that's what I'll say, in one of my marriages, where there I was getting ready to go to lunch for my job. And mind you, I married at the time, and I texted my wife and I said, Hey, um I'm getting ready to take my lunch. Um I want something to eat. And she said, Okay, babe, I got you. Right? I said, Cool, I'll be there in 10. And I sent a weaking eye emoji. I got home in 10 minutes. When I got home, there was a sandwich, a sour broccoli, potato chips, and a drink waiting for me on the island. I walked right past that plate to her. And I'm like, what you doing? And she was like, What you mean? And I'm like, I said, I said I was ready to eat. And she said, You ain't see that plate on the on the island when you came in? And I was like, what? She was like, What? I was speaking sexually, right? I was having a sexual innuendo. When I wanted to eat, I assumed that she knew what I was talking about, right? I'm trying to be cute, I'm trying to be sexy, I'm trying to boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, right? I get home, there was a miscommunication, I see food, which is provision, and I'm annoyed, I'm mad, I feel rejected, and I feel embarrassed. Because she was like, What are you talking about? I'm like, I wanted to have sex, and she was like, What? Are you you ain't you ain't even you ain't say that? Watch this. She was talking to her husband, and I was talking to myself. Oh, because at no point did I provide clarity, at no point did I give more so I could ensure that there was a proper communication, maybe some more emojis, maybe I could have just said straight out, but rather than say, okay, baby, that's my bad. We missed, I missed it. Thank you so much for providing me food in my embarrassment, in my rejection, right? Because I was talking to myself and she was talking to her husband, I left. I'm embarrassed now. And I don't want to talk about it because you should have you should have known what I was talking about. Rather than say thank you so much for ensuring that I had something to eat, thank you for for disregarding what you had to do to fix me a plate. Thank you. Hold on, I'm mad at me because I failed to properly communicate and now I feel stupid because I walked by that sandwich. Watch this. Without the process, imaginary problems make real problems worse. Ooh, what's an imaginary problem? An imaginary problem is something that I did to myself in relationship. I'm angry with you because I fail to communicate effectively. That's an imaginary problem. And because I'm already out of my my natural state of being, I'm already angry, I'm already uh uh emotionally intoxicated with anger, rejection, and embarrassment, a real problem happening right now is gonna be 10 times worse. Because I'm already mad, and I'm mad at myself. So these are the things that we have to consider when we attach titles to ourselves. Because when you attach a title to yourself, without the process, you're unqualified to walk around saying something you are. You stole that degree, you didn't go to school. In basic training, right? For any military branch, there is a process. In the Army, we call it the soldierization process, in which you go through IET, which is initial entry training. So until you complete said training, you're not a soldier yet. You're a trainee. So if that's the process for the majority of the institutions and domains in our life and our existence, how then is it different for a wife or husband? So as we wrap up this mindful conversation, I want you to consider the things that you're called to be. And I also want you to consider the process associated with becoming those things. This right here, this mindset, it'll change your conversations that you have with people, it'll change your conversations that you'll have with potential romantic partners, it'll change the way you see dating. Because let's let's get past the fluff. Especially if you're dating intentionally. And I've already talked about in previous content what it means to truly intentionally date. Let's go into it. Understanding that there first has to be compatibility, then the process of becoming, right? And then the covenant which manifests the calling relationally as it pertains to husband and wife. Thank you for your time today. Um, I pray that this this unlocks some things. I pray that this expands some mindsets. I pray that this opens a lot of our eyes to ourselves moving forward. Have an amazing day.