Carlos Speaks Podcast

Being A Present Father In A Broken Home

• Carlos • Season 3 • Episode 5

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What does it really take to be a present dad when the family isn’t under one roof? Carlos opens up about the shift from ego to stewardship, sharing the moment a $189 request and a tough-love call from his father reframed co‑parenting as protecting a child’s environment. Instead of debating rights and tallying slights, he walks through the practical mindset that turns everyday choices into safety: support the home your child lives in, even when it’s not your own.

We trace the path from early missteps to accountable fatherhood, unpacking how “broken homes” often start with “broken bricks”—the choices we make before a baby ever arrives. Carlos lays out how to date with kids in mind, how to separate being a man from being a father, and how to use grace without becoming a doormat. The story of his daughter on the skating rink brings it home: three feet can feel like miles to a scared child. Presence isn’t just being nearby; it’s actively creating the space where your kid can learn, fall, and feel you there.

From there we get practical. Legal custody as a tool to protect time and routines. Calm advocacy at school that changes how institutions respond to your child. Clear boundaries with new partners—no yelling, no hands—paired with genuine support for the adults in your child’s world. And woven throughout is the power of community: grandfathers, fathers, and stepfathers modeling steady, transparent love. You can’t explain absence, but you can show up with intention, consistency, and care that breaks old patterns.

If this resonates, follow the show, share it with a dad who needs a lift, and leave a review with one lesson you’re taking into your own parenting this week. Your story might be the nudge another parent needs to keep showing up.

SPEAKER_00:

And we are back with today's episode, episode four actually, of the Carlos Speaks Podcast. Thank you so much to everybody who's tuned into the podcast. The support is is greatly appreciated. Today's conversation is going to be one of those ones where I have to speak carefully. As I've stated before, healing is not linear. There's going to be some days where you fluctuate. Some days are going to be more sensitive than others. But I got a really good question last week. And the question was how do you reconcile being a present dad in a broken home? Woo! And for and again, this anything that I say is completely my experience, is completely um my paradigm of life. This isn't to be advice of a legal premise for anybody. This is just me having a conversation with you about how I came to become the dad that I am and the dad I strive to be. How do you be a present dad in a broken home? So I have two babies. I have a son who is going to be 13 this year, and I have a daughter who just turned seven. They have different moms. And for me to give you the transparent, 100% unhidden version of who I was, we gotta go back. We gotta go back to 2013. And it's also very important to always remember that when you share an experience is that it's not yours alone. Right? When you share a truth, it's not yours alone. Because experiences are shared by people. And so just because your perspective is your truth, it might conflict with the truth of somebody else. Um, so this platform will never be a space where people are attacked or um anything of that nature. But let's go. 2013, Carlos as a young dad. Uh when my son was born, uh, his mother and I um were trying to figure out how to be in a relationship with one another. Um and there was a conversation we had where I was willing to, or my desire was to leave South Carolina. I don't feel like South Carolina was big enough for me. I don't feel like um there was anything left for me in South Carolina at the time. And my son's mom had the opposite perspective. She was like, no, I love it here. You know, I want to be here. I don't want to leave. And I wish you well if you decide to leave. Um, so it was in our best interest uh to co-parent from there. Now, as dads, we have certain sensitivities about our children. You're not gonna tell me how to be a dad, you're not gonna just mock it and all the things, right? So there was a there was a time, and this was a very transitional moment for me, where my dad, my biological dad, uh had to step in and school me on a few things. Um my son's mom called me, and this was after we broke up, right? And so we're dealing with the difficulties of being connected, even though there is no relationship. And so in my mind, I'm like, hey, whatever happened at your house is your business. When my son is with me, he's good, and that ain't none of your business, right? She called me one day and she said, Hey, I am short on one of my bills. Can you give me the money? And I'll never forget it was her car payment and it was$189. And I couldn't believe that she had the audacity to call me to pay for her car. Now you better call that man you land with. Hey, because that ain't my car. And that's what I told her. And I hung up, bang, banged it on her, right? And in my immaturity, you couldn't tell me nothing. I called my dad. And I was like, you won't believe, and I'm gonna be because in this space, we're gonna keep it a beam. I told my daddy, I boy, you won't believe what my baby mama just asked me. He was like, What's up? She asked me to pay her car note, bro.$189, what I look like paying her car note that we don't, we, we ain't together. My dad said, Well, that's one way to handle it. And when my dad approaches the situation by taking a deep breath first, I really don't want to hear what he got to say. He said, that's one way to deal with it. I said, okay. He said, let me ask you something. I said, what's up? He said, how would you feel if your baby mama was a hoe? I was like, what? My baby and mama ain't no hoe. I got real defensive, because now I'm defending her. Because ain't no way my the mother of my child is a hoe. He said, son, let me tell you something about women, mothers, especially. Mothers are always, no matter what, going to do whatever it takes to ensure that that child is taken care of. And I said, okay. He said, how would you feel if it got back to you that she pulled a I need that money from setting it off? I was like, like she laid for the money. Like, yeah, he was like, I was like, all right, man, I understand what you're saying. I called the mother of my son back. How you want me to send you this money? And doubling back, my dad said, if you love that child, you're gonna have to do everything in your power to ensure that that child grows up in an environment that caters to that child's need. That child's gonna need transportation. That child's gonna need somewhere to lay his head, he's gonna need heat, water, he's gonna need everything positive to create an environment that is conducive to his untraumatic upbringing. And if you're gonna be that baby daddy, not her baby daddy, that baby's daddy, then it's your responsibility to ensure that you're doing everything you can to build up that environment and not tear it down. Most humbling conversation I've had about what it means to be a dad in my life. And that leads me to my first point. Whether you're facing divorce, whether you're facing a breakup, whether you had a one-night stand, I don't care how or what avenue of approach led to you being a dad. Once you become a dad, you have to separate what it means to be a man from what it means to be a dad. What do you mean? I'm glad you asked. As a man, my ego leads me. Right? Which means that when somebody does something that offends me, I act on it. You're not gonna talk to me like that. You're not gonna do, you're not gonna play with me like that. But as a dad, it requires an additional level of grace that says, because I'm a dad, I can't respond to you how I want to because I don't want to traumatize my child. As a dad, I can't respond to you how I want to because it's gonna negatively influence the relationship that I'm building with that child. So there's gonna be a level of restraint that I have to operate under if I want to be the best dad that I can to that baby. And that's the difference from between what it means to be a man and to be a father. Because that man has no patience for offense. That dad says, you know what? You got it. You got it. Come on, baby, let's go. And that's not to say that fathers don't need safe spaces where they can vent, where they can pour, where they can express all of the negative emotions that come with the frustrations of what it means to be a father, because that weight gets heavy. And you have to find somewhere to let the steam off before you burst the pipe. You gotta do that. So I'm thankful that my dad was transparent enough with me to say that he learned that lesson, right? Because there were, were, there were ways that were made without his help. So he prevented me from learning a lesson the hard way by living in his transparency with me as my dad. And that was the first time I had to find space to say, all right, the needs of my son go beyond what's tangible. It goes beyond what my money can buy. And so that led to me having a conversation with his mom that says, Look, I understand now that to be a co-parent with you means I gotta support you because your livelihood affects the livelihood of my son. If you are without, then he's without. And that took me moving my ego aside because I can honestly say I wanted the family. I wanted the I never wanted to build a broken home. So because the opportunity was what I felt was taken from me, I'm angry. But if I operate under the premise of anger, I'm gonna respond from offense, and that's gonna negatively affect the livelihood of my son. I hope I'm talking good to somebody. Because, baby, that was a hard lesson for me to learn. The next thing that I had to do, or one of the other things I had to do, is take accountability for how I became a baby daddy anyway. Watch who you lay down with. Because if you can't fathom having a baby with this woman, why is you laying down? If she already treats you crazy, making or getting her pregnant ain't gonna make it better for you. So a lot of us build broken homes, watch this, with broken bricks. Because we before we build anything, you have an idea of the quality of that brick when you lay down with that woman, when you date that woman, when you're in a relationship with that woman. And again, I'm not talking to you, I'm really talking to me. I'm just talking to me in hindsight, and hindsight is always gonna be 2020. The benefit of that is taking what you see in hindsight and applying it to what you see in foresight. I'm talking good. So if you come across bricks that that don't seem strong enough to build a house that you want to live in, leave them bricks alone. And I promise you, I understand that we get lonely sometimes. Sometimes a lot of us are driven by the need to conquer. You know, we we want to have that trophy experience. But at the end of the day, what is going to be the health of the longevity of this decision? Of what you're doing with this woman, of what you're building with this woman. Does this woman even want to be somebody's mama? So I had to take accountability to say, you know what, in undergrad, I might have been reckless. In undergrad, I'm I undergrad. Because if I sit with myself right now, I can honestly say that the things or situations that I deal with now are truly a result of the decisions I made yesterday. I can make better decisions today. No, I'm not building no more broken homes. Not doing it. Because I remember exactly what decisions led to the first broken home. And I know you're probably saying, well, Carlos. Didn't you do it again? All right, let's get into it. Okay, so my second experience or my second wave or level that came with being a present dad in a broken home came as a result of divorce. My daughter was born under a marital covenant. So she came by what we call an appropriate protocol. Right. You gotta separate ego from fatherhood. And you have to have the ability to set aside your pain. You have to have the ability to set aside your hurt for the sake and well-being of that child. Um, anybody who knows me knows that I love my children more than anything under God. And um being a dad is a a space that you have to create. You have to to intentionally show up for that kid. I don't care the obstacles, I don't care the environment, I don't care the relationship you got with that that baby's mama. I don't, you gotta show up. You gotta show up because one thing that I I've realized in my life is that you can't explain absence. You can't. I don't care how good your reasoning is, you can't look that baby in the face when they become a teenager or they become a young adult and they ask you, where were you? My daughter loves to skate. Loves to skate, and we go skating often. And usually I'm behind her while she skates. And my daughter has the she don't care who in there. She just she just skating all over the rink like she there by herself. But she's able to do that because I skate behind her and I gently move people out of the way as she goes. So she skates in the space that I create. That's good. Catch it. She skates freely in this in the space that I create. Right? So this one particular time she's skating, and um I give her some space outside of the space that I create. Don't miss it. So she's skating, I'm I'm all of maybe three feet away. And she collides with somebody in the skating ring. Boom! Right? The person that she crashes into catches her, but she's never crashed before. So the shock of the crash frightens her. Immediately, she frantically reaches out for me. And I'm like, oh, I'm right here, I'm right here, I'm right here. And my baby looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, Daddy, where were you? I said, Baby, I was three feet away. She was like, You was too far. I don't miss what I'm saying. So even though in my mind I'm only three feet away, in her mind, I'm not even there. I said, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. You gotta learn to skate in the space that that other people take up. But I'm realizing now that as a father, it's my responsibility to protect the space she learns in. All right. That was for somebody, and I want you to catch that. With two hands. Um, I don't care what the obstacle is. I don't care if you gotta get six jobs, I don't care if you gotta ride your bike, I don't care if you gotta walk, show up for that baby. And sometimes you have to put yourself in a position where the space that you create to be a dad is protected, especially when it comes to divorce, especially when you're dealing with a co-parent that doesn't necessarily have the same desire that you have to create an environment that's conducive to the wholesome healthiness of that child. What are you saying, Carlos? You need to establish custody. And that's a conversation that nobody wants to have. That's a conversation that nobody really wants to talk about. But as a man, as a dad, as a father, as somebody who has the desire to show up for that kid, you gotta protect the space that you create to be a present dad that is uninfluenced by anybody else. I don't care if it's joint. I don't care if uh there's primary custody, secondary custody. Create a space that is legally protected so that you can pour into that child in a space that cannot be tainted by anybody else. I don't, I know, I know it's expensive, I know it's uncomfortable, I know that it's much easier to live in the convenience of the conflict that comes with going back and forth. It's not gonna be easy. But you have to protect the relationship that you have with your children as a father. Because you can explain, you can't explain absence because of somebody else. Either you were there or you were not. And one day I hope to have my daddy on this podcast. Because let me tell y'all something. My dad, bro, I've been blessed to have great dads. I was raised initially by my grandfather from birth all the way to 17. And he was a good man, Savannah. That man went to work, he provided for his family. He was maltempered, never had to raise his voice. And then I have my biological dad. That's my dog, that's my A1. He's gonna keep it a bean with me. We spoke recently, and um he told me he had he had been watching the podcast. He'd been following along. He said, you know, I don't gotta do all that commenting and and and sharing and stuff they be doing on Facebook. My daddy from the hood, bruh. My daddy, my daddy, my daddy was down through the. And so I was like, Well, what are your thoughts, Pops? And he's like, hmm, I don't really have the words. And I'm like, okay. He said, This is what I'll do. I'll tell it to you like this. That's some dope you doing, son. And I was like, oh, I appreciate you, dog. That's my dog, that's my A1. And then I have a stepfather, I don't even like saying step. That's my dog, that's my A1. My stepdad took me in from day one, bro, and it's never been spaced. He's but he's allowed me to see him transparently grow as a dad. And that's a good man, too, Savannah. And I and I say that to say surround yourself by people who are good fathers. Surround yourself by men that show up for them kids. Men that's gonna say, I can't come because I got my kids, bro. Men that's gonna say, no, my kid ain't acting right at school. Let me go down to that school. Because maybe it's not my kid. Maybe, maybe, just maybe, the system isn't in a position to best cater to my kid. And people treat your child different when that daddy shows up. Oh, Mr. Bryant, uh uh I'm glad to have you. It's glad to be here. Can we talk about the issues that you have with RJ? My son? Well, you you No, you don't, you ain't talking. Quick enough for me. Because this is what he said. And now I want to hear what you have to say so that we can reconcile, reconcile in the middle of this what's wrong, where we need to fix this at. Because those children are going to be a reflection of you. Every time. Every time. That the the listen, we traumatize our children by our inability to be dads because we can't stop being men. Because we live in offense. Because woe is me. My baby mama don't like me, and all she wants to do is keep me from my kids. So, so, bruh. Sing a different song to a different. I get it. I get it. It's hard. But guess what? Once you realize the the the premise under which you gotta be a dad, be that. Be that. It ain't no devil in hell or an angel in heaven that's gonna keep me away from my kids, dog. Never. Never. Even when I date now, even when I date now, I ensure that I'm dating with the intent for my children to benefit from the relationship that I'm in. I got a daughter. So the woman that I connect myself to, the woman that I'm gonna marry, because I'm gonna be married, and I'm gonna have a healthy marriage, has to create an aesthetic for my daughter to grow into. My children are not gonna be statistics. I don't care that I created two broken homes. I'm still gonna show up for them and they're not gonna feel lack. They're not gonna do that. Because the most important thing to me, like I said, under being a believer, under being a son of God, is to be a dad. And that means divorcing yourself from the life you wanted. That big house with the picket fence and the family inside the house, it didn't happen, but you still have an obligation to raise that baby. And if you don't raise your kids, somebody else will. And you don't all and you never get a say so of who that is. I'm grateful to have the relationship that I have with my son's mom. Because anytime she gets into a relationship or I get into a relationship, we meet that partner. And I'm so glad God said my son's mom a good man. Thank you, Jesus. Shout out to you, bro. And I say that because I've always made it my business to meet them. Hey, man, it's nice to meet you. Truly, and I want you to know that you have my my undying support in your relationship with the mother of my son. If you have any issues with my son, hey, bro, call me. And I promise you, I will reinforce your position in my son. I just ask that you don't yell at my son and you don't put your hands on my son. Because I don't do that. That's it. That's it, that's all. And I do need you to understand that the environment in which my son is being raised matters to me. It ain't my business, but it matters to me. And I'm gonna support you and this relationship. Because my son needs all the support he can get. And I've never been, I've never been jealous, I've never been intimidated. Um, because my son, both of my children, no matter what man has entered their life, they know who their daddy is. Because the presence has been made, the relationship has been bonded, and I show up consistently in the lives of my kid. My daughter will FaceTime me 32 times a day. Just to watch, just to say, Daddy, can you watch me play with these doll babies? Absolutely, baby. Go ahead. I can do that for you. And it doesn't bring me any inconvenience. Because those children, your children, my children, they deserve a dad that's gonna show up for them, that's gonna protect them, that's gonna provide for them, that's gonna love them, that's gonna do the self-work to create a life for them that that heals traumas they never experienced. That's so good. So I think I did good with uh maneuvering and navigating through that conversation. Um, I hope that this encourages you to any dad out there watching stepdad, adopted dad, baby daddy, whatever title you call yourself or whatever society calls you, the only thing that truly matters is your willingness to show up for that kid. Thank you for your time.