70: Getting Diagnosed With ADHD Finally Explains My Whole Brain

“39 years later, my brain finally makes sense.” That’s the sentence I couldn’t stop saying after getting officially diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and I’m sharing the whole messy, validating, honest experience from my point of view. If you’ve ever wondered why you try so hard yet still feel behind, or why small tasks can feel strangely heavy, you’re going to recognise yourself in this one.

I talk about how ADHD can be missed when you’re the organised, responsible, rule-following kid who does well in school, the perfectionist who never causes trouble, the person who looks “fine” on the outside. We get into masking, people pleasing, procrastinating until panic becomes motivation, and the constant mental chatter that makes life feel like a browser with a million tabs open. I also share what changes and what doesn’t after diagnosis, including the grief and relief that can hit at the same time.

Then we move into real-life support strategies for adult ADHD: paper planners, Google Calendar, notebooks, lists, and even systems to manage the systems. I explain why motherhood turned memory and time into a whole new game, plus the ADHD traits that show up daily for me like time blindness, working memory struggles, interrupting in conversation, executive functioning friction, and the need for a short buffer between work mode and mom mode. I also share what’s helping right now, from a structured scheduling app to focus aids like classical music and brown noise.

If this resonates, listen all the way through and then come tell me your experience or your best resources. 

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Transcript

Welcome And What To Expect

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome to Earth Page Podcast. And finding itself again for my files of unread library books and endless Amazon package delivery. Real, honest, and a little bit. Talk about it all. So grab your favorite drink, put the kids to bed, lace up your seats or whatever you need to do, and join us. We can't wait to connect with you.

The ADHD Diagnosis Reveal

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Turn the Page Podcast. This is a solo episode. This is Tawana. I wanted to hop on here and talk about some recent developments in my life. So a week ago today, which was last Saturday, but when this comes out, it'll probably be like a month from now because this will come out in June. But 39 years later, my brain finally makes sense. So a week ago, I was officially diagnosed with ADHD. So I'm not a medical expert by any means. I am a Tawana expert by all means. So this is all related to my experience. Please don't take any of this as like medical advice or mental health advice. If you feel that you need to get tested, or there are some things going on, please seek out medical professional help. But yeah, so it finally makes sense. And I've been telling people, and I'm so excited. And people look at me like I have two heads when I say that I'm so excited. I am so excited because y'all, the way I feel validated and seen and heard after all these years, and how I have been craving, not even craving like outside validation, but just like craving validation, me like not being crazy. Like now I know I'm not crazy. Now I know I have ADHD. Like that's why I do all the things that I do. My brain, I mean, everyone's brain works differently, obviously, but and everyone's brain is wired differently. But like just the validation I feel for so many years of thinking that like something was wrong with me, or that something just fell off with me, and clicking why, and it's not because of ADHD, it's just because my brain didn't have that it needed for like certain times, and just so many things, so many things make sense, but I've always been there, and you know, like I'm a millennial, so all the other millennials out there, you know, like ADD, ADHD back in the day.

Why The Signs Were Missed

SPEAKER_01 3:30

You just it's like a little boy bouncing off the walls in class, can never sit down, was just always all over the place, everywhere but sitting down, but in seat. That was a model of what ADHD ADD was supposed to look like. And that is not true all the time. Anybody could have it, boy, girl, man, woman, like it's not just specific to any one person.

SPEAKER_02 4:04

Um

Masking With Perfection And Rules

SPEAKER_02 4:06

does not discriminate.

SPEAKER_01 4:08

But the signs were always there, but also kind of not. So the signs I'm gonna mention are like the signs that I now know I use to mask a lot of things. So I did well in school, other than math, but I'm just not good at math. That's just another thing. I was organized, I was responsible, I was a perfectionist, I was always the kid who followed the rules. Like, I was terrified of getting in trouble with the teacher. Like, I am that millennial where like authority figures like terrify me. So it's like I never get never got in trouble. I was terrified, like I never got detention, I never got suspended, like none of that. I was never the troublemaker at school. I was always the one following the rules. I would sit, you know, just quiet and like barely raised my hand, barely talked. And then I got older in high school and I would like talk more because my friends were in the class and stuff, and whatever. But still, like I still did the same thing. None of ADHD or ADD, none of that ever crossed my mind. Like, ever. It was just this is just the way I am. Also, just like the constant mental chatter, starting projects, not finishing them. Like, I obviously would start and finish school projects, but if it was like home projects, I would like start a bunch of like hobbies and then like do it for like a week and never pick it up again. Like, for example, I used to be really into scrapbooking to the point where I like hyper focused on like going to AC Moore, a craft store where I also used to work when I was like 16. Um for a month I scrapbooked just everything, and then I guess one day I just put it down and just never picked it up again. Like the stuff like that. There are so many other things that I just would hyper focus on these projects, and then just like never pick them up again after I was done. Well, like simple simple tasks would always like overwhelm me. So I think to get ahead of that, I would always prep. Like our like taught this to us, like she would always like prep our lunches and like our clothes the night before, like for us. So I just like carry that on with me. But she just prep everything for the next day. I think that was for me to get ahead of like having to find stuff in the morning and just all that stuff. So the losing things wasn't really like I would keep things in order, but like my room was not spotless, it was just like clutter, but like it was my clutter, so I knew like what was in the clutter. Oh, this is one of my favorites procrastinating until panic kicked in. So I like to call myself a clutch quarterback because I always come in when it is needed at the right time, sometimes at the end. I am such a procrastinator. Like my favorite saying is procrastinators tonight yesterday. Or is that tomorrow? I can't remember. Anyway, but it I still procrastinate to this day, it's just horrible. But it's like that panic turned into the pressure, which turned into like motivation for me. It's almost like a challenge for me to like get things done because I need to get it done. But on like a Wednesday, and like we found out like the week before, so that Wednesday, I wouldn't start studying till like Saturday or like Monday and then cram. And I've also that makes sense. So I've never been good at tests, maybe because I was always cramming and just not a good test taker, so that's probably not a good example. But it was like stall, I think. Now I'll get into this more later in the episode, but I think now with the procrastinating, it's just like me avoiding doing things that I know need to get done, but it's like now I can rewire my brain. But I'll get into that more in the episode later. But also my personal favorite is thinking about all things at one time. I have so many tabs open in my brain, and this is pre-kids. This is like when I was younger, just so many things, like different thoughts would lead to that thought, would lead to that thought, and it would just before you know it, I was just like on the moon.

SPEAKER_02 8:37

It's crazy.

Planners Lists And Calendar Survival

SPEAKER_01 8:40

So transitioning now to the systems that I now have since I'm older, or probably start it, I don't even know when to start it. Maybe college, or maybe like when I moved out, I'm not even sure. But I have like paper planners. I and I think this started maybe college because I would get so excited like at the end of the year to start shopping for planners for the new year. Like I would do it in like November and I would order it in November and keep it in a drawer until like January. I'd be so excited. So I would have planners and then Google Calendars and notebooks and lists and more lists and then backup lists for the lists. Like my old desks at work would have like post-its all over the place before the like windows had like the digital post-it that you can just type on the computer. But just crazy. But also started when I was older, because when I was younger, you could tell me something and I would remember it for like ever, like appointments. I didn't need to write it down. I always thought it was like when people were like writing stuff on their planner, I'll be like, it's because you guys are gonna forget, like, you can't remember anything. I used to think it was like a flaw. Now I know it's for the positive evidence to help you. But I used to be like, I don't need a planner, I don't need to do this, like, this is not my thing. I never owned a calendar. I would remember like everything. I didn't need reminders, I would just remember everything. And my thing is I used to hyper focus on birthdays. So birthdays are my thing. I remember if you tell me your birthday one time, I will remember it forever. And it just like that was my thing. I'm still pretty good. I need a refresher now that I am older and I have like mental clutter, like from having kids. But birthdays, I will remember your birthday. So if you don't want me to remember your birthday, then don't tell me because I will. That was just my thing. But also now I have planners and calendars and notebooks. I have a purse I bring to work, and then I have a work bag that has books in it that I'm reading. It has a planner. Well, it has two planners now because the second planner is gonna be my new planner for the middle of the year, and I have to transfer my old stuff, my original planner to that one. Um, I have my notebook, which is like my where I take notes and just remember things, and like my journal. And then I have lists at work, like on the computer, and I have a desk calendar now that I write stuff on. It's just like I have things everywhere. It's just I feel like I don't need that stuff, but maybe like college and like a little bit older, I started realizing that I would oops forget this or oops, forget that. I was like, maybe I can like try to put stuff in the planner or try to put stuff in the Google Calendar and see if that helps me. And like little by little I just started to build a system where I would do that, and now well now it's way different because I'm um so I have not just my schedule but two other tiny human schedules that I have to keep up with. But I have to make sure my Google Calendar and my paper calendar always match up because everything has to be tiptop in shape. So it's like I myself but didn't realize that I was. It was it's weird. Some things are are still coming together, and then of course, motherhood just bam changed everything. If you tell me something, I'm just gonna tell you right now, I'm not gonna remember it. I'm gonna need someone to text me, email me, send me a car pigeon, like gonna need to put it in the calendar, like and that's not a thing I need to I'm working on now, where it's like I'll get an appointment and I won't put it on the calendar right away, and then that's dangerous because it will not end up on the calendar because I'll forget. So I have to, I'm trying to get in the habit of now putting things on the calendar as soon as I like know about the appointment or anything because it's on anyone on my any of my calendars if I don't do it right away. Because I have two humans now that I am doing the schedules for, so it's like there's forms that need to go back to school for summer camp, for regular camp, there's doctor's appointments and dentist appointments and eye doctor appointments, and there's sport schedules, there's birthday parties, there's stuff at school, there's play dates, and there's soccer, there's piano, it's just like all of these things need to get out of my brain, and they end up on a Google Calendar. We have a calendar in the kitchen on the refrigerator with like the school schedule, it's just all of so many things. And I have done pretty good at like matching all of the calendars because first it would just be a one calendar, and I'm like, wait, this isn't working. I would just beat myself up because I would like forget things, but I'm like, no, just make sure you have them all 17 calendars that they match. And then sometimes I'll like I need my mom schedule because she watches our youngest now, he'll be in preschool the following in the fall, but like her schedules would match up, and like sometimes she picks up the kids, and it's just like and then also just like their dad's schedule, and it's like everyone's schedule. I feel like I was meant to like schedule and organize a family because I have always been like this. I've been a paralegal for like over a decade, like a decade and a half. Like I wake up scheduling people, I go to bed scheduling people. It's just I give me a calendar, like I will handle it for you. It was just like my calendar that was having issues with everybody else's, no problem.

Shame Anxiety And Feeling Behind

SPEAKER_01 14:56

It was yes, thinking about now, it's like I can feel my nerves just like ah so there's also like the emotional side to it that nobody talks about if you get like a late diagnosis of ADHD, and I feel like that's mine that I'm dealing with. Just like thinking of years of like being overwhelmed and anxiety and frustration, and the constant feeling I feel like I haven't done enough, and like going to bed at night and being like I've gotten I've gotten nothing done today, but it's just like you weren't laying in bed all day, you were out doing a million things, but you still feel like you've gotten nothing done. Just the guilt from that and like the shame, and just like the self-criticism, it's just it was literally exhausting. I just always thought something was wrong with me, like literally always thought something was wrong with me, and there's so many things that I was doing now that I know I was masking all of these things, but now there are new issues that have come from that masking, so it's like I'm a people pleaser, like that's just it was my nature. I've people pleaser. I to call myself not recovering people pleaser because I now know like how bad that can be and how detrimental that can be for like your mental health. But I am really good at adapting to my environments, and I'm also really good at this. I don't want to call it manipulation because it's not, but I'm really good at like tailoring a conversation to my audience, if that makes sense. Um that's just a little bit I mean, just being intelligent, and then also a part of it's being a people pleaser. Like if I've seen patterns of somebody getting upset about something, like just from like observing or whatever, it's like I will try my best not to make this person upset. But on the other side, it's just like not making them upset is like costing me my my mental health, like it's just like something that would affect me. So that the perfectionist literally, my mom said that when I was younger, everything on me had to match from head to toe with colors from like my barrettes all the way down to my socks and shoes, and then she likes to joke that as I got older, that went away. But you know, I just like throw on whatever, but I'm sorry with that. And I'm also I used to be a gymnast, so like that's perfection after perfection. Like you're doing routines fifty, like you're doing one routine like 50 times. Like I'm being dramatic, but it's like that's where that isn't was instilled in me. I love a list, and my favorite part is checking things off the list, and sometimes I will write things on there that weren't on there before that I've already done just to check it off. It just gives it just gives me a dope meat hit, and I just love it. But I just so and just me hyper focusing on any and everything. Like, I love like if it's something new that I'm trying to do, I will like research the heck out of it because why not? I just go down these like rabbit holes, and I just just so many things, so many things make sense to me now, and I just know that like there's nothing wrong with me, they weren't personality flaws, just and now it's the next stage after diagnosis, is like embracing all of these qualities that I thought were flaws, but they're actually not, and they can be looked at as gifts, and just like the late diagnosis of all of this, like I'll be 40 this year. Like, why wasn't I diagnosed many, like a million years ago? Because now, again, all of these things that I use to mask all of these symptoms, I have to now unlearn. So it's just like a whole nother process of just like therapy and just unlearning so many things, and it's like I always feel sad for people, and me too, like the late diagnosis, because it's like I've spent all my life thinking there's something wrong with me that like my brain doesn't work the way that everybody else's does, and blah blah blah blah blah. But then it's also like I'm super creative, and I thrive in creativity and like researching and reading, and just have like so many amazing ideas, and I just always felt like they didn't fit anywhere, but they do, and then also plot twist.

Family Patterns And Connecting Dots

SPEAKER_01 20:07

There's so many signs back in the day growing up that like I would see with my dad that obviously I didn't know it was didn't know what it was just like him, like forgetting his keys in his wallet, and then he also recently told us that he was diagnosed with it, but it just makes sense, it makes so much sense. I'm like, oh, and my dad and I we are so similar, and we have so many similar traits, like so many just love my dad to pieces, like what an honor to be like him, like love that man, but it's like we have so many of the same traits now that make sense, make complete and total sense we have the same person, but it's also kind of like again, like what an honor to have so many traits of his, but it's like it's kind of like a beautiful thing to connect the dots, you know? When people have always said that I look like my dad, so I mean it makes sense that I have so many similar traits of his. I'm just laughing because there's just so many things that we do that like literally splitting image. So can I say what I'm saying? I'm excited. People are like, why? I'm like, just because I'm validated, guys, literally validate it. So has the diagnosis changed anything for me? Yes and no, like I'm still me, I still forget everything, which is like wild, because again, when I was younger, I didn't forget anything. I still get so distracted. It's like the joke like you're working, and it's like, oh, squirrel, and then it's like, oh, the ice cream man. It's like I always forget what I'm doing when I want. Into a room like why I was there. I use oh, on top of all the calendars that I have and the paper counters, I also have an app called the Structured App, which funny enough, I've been using it for like six months, and I started looking it up when I when like masking was becoming crazy and everything was just like unraveling for me. I was like, I think I might have ADHD like undiagnosed or whatever. I was like, I need something somewhere to put all of like my to-dos, and I Googled it, and the structured off was the first thing that came up for like helping people who have ADHD to schedule or just people who need like a little more support. And I was like, okay, cool. So I used it. I've been using it for like six months, and now this diagnosis last week, full circle, like so many times for the past like year, or probably

Advocating For Testing And Support

SPEAKER_01 22:55

the past six months, probably. I'm like, you know, I pretty I was like, I think I have ADHD. People are like, oh no, like I'm sure a lot of moms do, or like, you know, because you have a lot of stuff going on. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I I get that, but I'm like, there's just something that's like off. It just feels off. And lo and behold, if like some more, like one of my co-workers said, like, if you don't advocate for yourself, who will? Like, you always have to advocate for yourself. And I just kept advocating and just kept researching, and finally was just like, you know what? Let me just go get tested, like F it. Like, it's yes or no. If it's a no, then it's like that's cool, but like I know what I know, and I know that I have it, and I knew that I had it. I just needed like confirmation, so then I could like properly like find ways to properly like support my brain and support me because there's like different levels, and again, I'm not a medical expert, I just know like my experience. There's different levels and like say categories of ADHD. There's different tests that the medical professionals give out to like to get a diagnosis or not get a diagnosis. There's like some people have the hyperfocus part, other people have like not being able to stay focused.

Time Blindness Memory And Interrupting

SPEAKER_01 24:24

So mine essentially time blindness, which I penned this like probably like a year or so ago, because I am like so slow in the morning. One because I'm on my phone, but I've tried to stop using my phone in the morning and like I'm still just slow. I just I think I have all the time in the world to get things done, and I don't, and it's not even about overbooking, it's just like I don't realize that like the time from like six to six fifteen, yes, that's 15 minutes, but like that's not a lot of time to get like XYZ done. It's like I'll give myself enough time, or it's like I'm always late to places because I just think that I can you know fly over traffic. I just it's just sense the time blindness, the working memory. Again, I will forget anything you tell me, and then also a big thing when I'm in conversation with people, so I don't forget a thought, I will just like interrupt them and say my thoughts so I don't forget what I'm saying, and it's so rude, so rude. Um, I need to think of look up ways to not do that, but to still help me remember what I'm gonna say. It's so rude. But and I don't always remember like where we left off in the conversation, well duh, because I interrupted them, which is so absolutely rude. So I apologize to anybody whose conversations I have cut off because I don't want to forget a thought. Please forgive me, it's rude. That and then like the shifting and transitioning, like leaving work and then going right into momhood is like a no-no for my nervous system. I need like a buffer, like five or ten minutes like in the car to myself and just take a deep breath and then go into the next phase of my day. But that and it's just the hyper focus as well. Again, like I will hyper focus on something for like a week and then never pick it up again, and that is very frustrating because it happens in all areas, like working out, eating just it's very interesting because some things I hyper focus on I do stick with, like the this podcast, for example, and like blogging, and just like mine and Cherie's business, and so many things you're working behind the scenes with that that like we're so excited about, and it's like I've been following through from day one with those things, but it's like I hyper focus on that stuff, but it's like I follow through. I literally that comes out of like analysis paralysis. I will analyze and research something to absolute death before I hit go because I want it to be perfect, but it's like nothing's perfect, nothing's going to be. It's not gonna look like somebody else's, it's gonna look like yours, even if it's like the same thing. So it's like that's when I need to hone in and embrace on, where it's just like somebody else may have a late late diagnosis of ADHD, and they may have a podcast, they may be talking about it. It's not gonna sound like my experience because it's not my experience, it's their experience, and then vice versa. So now instead of what I've been asking for 39 years, like what's wrong with me? I'm just have started asking what support does my brain need, and like that just changes everything because it introduces self self-compassion to me, which I have not done. I've been like super mean to myself. So that was wow, just like a long room bump. Thank you for listening for those of you that have stayed. Thank you for listening. Just some final thoughts here.

Self-Compassion And Brain Support

SPEAKER_01 28:23

If you ever felt like you're trying harder than everybody else, you ever wonder why simple things feel harder? Like, oh, executive functioning was the other thing. See, again, where it's like going to the post office with a cleaners is like the death of me. Like, I don't like it, I freaking hate it. But it's like the only thing on my to-do list, like not today, but like it could be, and it's like I just can't do it. Spent years of feeling lazy, scattered, unmotivated, and just like I felt like that too, but it's like I'm not, it's just like I get overwhelmed, my brain gets tired, I just it just takes me out, you know. You might not be lazy or scattered or unmotivated or too much, your brain just might be wired differently. And I'm just compassion for people who have late diagnoses ADHD, and just compassion for people who like got diagnosed early because it's like not easy, but also like once you understand there's so many resources out there for you to like get the help and support that you that your brain needs for you to function, and also just a little fun addition here at the

Rapid Fire ADHD Moments

SPEAKER_01 29:42

end. So many things that make sense now. This little rapid fire segment will begin now. My Amazon cart is literally like it could be miles long at some point. The actual cart and then the safe for later cart, miles long. Oh, here's another thing. I checked my email multiple times a day, and I mean multiple times a day. Like, I know some people who don't check their email for weeks, and I literally go into an immediate panic attack because that goes into I hate seeing notifications on my phone. So I have notifications for my email and my text. But if I go in and like I adjudicate everything I need to adjudicate, and my notification should be zero or at least less than what it was when I started. But if I still have notifications, it is because one, I haven't checked them, or two, I need to check it later. Like I'll quickly read up, like, okay, I need to figure out this later, figure this out later. So I will then like keep it as new. Focusing on a hobby for three months, for example, scrapbooking. I've there's so many things that I've started before I finish, like just one. Eight levels before finishing just one. Um, I've started listening to classical music at work while I'm working. Um I I've always thought classical music was weird. I'm like, that's weird, it's gonna put me to sleep. It actually helps me focus, and I've also just started this is like a couple days ago. It's like there's white noise, and then there's I forget what other color or color or kind. It's called brown noise. It's just like this immediate, like you feel this. Well, I feel this like vibration when I turn it on, and it's amazing. I don't know if you guys have ever done a sound bath before, but I would equate it to that. I've never done a sound bath before, but I've heard like it's the vibrations that your nervous system like reacts to, and that's what brown noise is for me, and I love it. I'm walking into a room and forgetting why, of course. I'm either doing everything or nothing, and I'm doing nothing when I'm exhausted from doing everything. Oh, here's another thing. Not only do I have a million tabs open in my brain at one time, I have a million tabs open on my computer at one time, which drives me absolutely insane, but that's just how I operate, and I I can't. And then this is actually a really funny one, but it's the truth. Creating systems to manage the systems that I have. So it's like Google Calendar, paper calendar, they all have to match up. So then I have to do the whole system of like making sure everything's matched up. So going over my schedule, like the beginning of every week to make sure everything is where it needs to be. I just it's just so many things. So many things. Like internet rabbit holes at 11 p.m. It's just planners to help. I'm sorry, I kept notes. I wrote some notes down, so I'm reading off of that because I didn't want to forget anything. Thinking I was bad at at like time management when apparently it was just time blindness. Because hello. Oh, here's my favorite: starting a task and remembering another task, starting that task and forgetting both tasks. So it's like, say I'm washing dishes, and then I see maybe that like the the table needs to be cleaned. I will leave the water running, go wash the table. I'm like, oh, the plants haven't been watered in a week. Let me go water the plants. So it's like this whole just like it's oh my god, it's just so many things going on. I do and um this is a funny one that Chatty gave me that I don't know if I agree with, but it says being told my entire life that I had so much potential. I mean ideal potential, and I know I do, and I've done like great things, amazing things, and I'll do more. And like I've always felt like a genius because I'm not, but I've always felt like felt like intelligent and stuff, so I'm not really sure with that if that even means that anyway, and the more I learned about ADHD, the less I feel broken, and the more I feel invalidated and understood, and honestly, that's like the greatest gift of all for me. This has been that has been the greatest gift all time for me through all of this whole process.

Resources Community And Closing

SPEAKER_01 34:33

But I just wanted to share my experience with you guys. If there is anyone out there who is going through the same thing, like diagnosis of ADHD, please know you're not alone. Shoot me an email, shoot me a DM. All of our information is in the show notes where you can find us. I just ordered some books that my psychologist recommended. So if there's any book recommendations you can find us on Fable, right? Like mention message us on Fable, message up, message us on Instagram, turn the page pod, send us an email, turn the page521 at gmail.com, and that's page P-A-I-G-E. Comment anywhere where you listen to podcasts. We check comments, we check DMs, we check our emails. You if you're on our newsletter, and if you're not, please join our newsletter. We'll add you to the newsletter. You can reply all and or reply all, reply to us, and just like give me recommendations or your experiences or what have you, like anything, anything, guys. I love you, and of course, don't forget to listen, like, subscribe, and review.

SPEAKER_00 35:56

And I will talk to you next time. Bye. Alright, everyone. This was another episode of Turn the Page Podcast. Thanks for hanging out. Don't forget to like, listen, and subscribe. And also don't forget to leave a review, please, and let us know what you thought about today's episode and all the other episodes. Thanks, guys. Talk to you soon. Bye.