FreelySHEcould Podcast
The goal is to create a community of women who are encouraged, inspired, and empowered to live out their faith in the world.
FreelySHEcould Podcast
Episode 2: From Silent Doubts to Joyful Faith
Could fear and doubt be silently shaping your spiritual journey, even as joy seems to dominate your faith? This episode tackles the paradox many women face, where joy in faith coexists with unspoken anxieties. We unravel a compelling study by the Barna Group, revealing why such a significant number of women might hesitate to acknowledge their struggles. Sharing a deeply personal story, I reflect on a childhood vow to never sing again, a decision born out of fear and self-doubt. This story becomes a launching pad to explore how these emotions can take root in our lives and how overcoming them requires vulnerability and courage.
Journey with us as we explore how faith and worship can be powerful tools for overcoming deep-seated fears and doubts. I recount my own 'dark night of the soul,' where singing felt like an insurmountable challenge. With support from friends and a nudge from the divine, I found the strength to lead worship, breaking free from the chains of past trauma and discovering a new sense of joy and freedom. We reflect on the idea that embracing our weaknesses can open us to God's strength, transforming challenges into opportunities for joy. Tune in for practical insights on nurturing joy in your faith journey, whether through singing, journaling, or other meaningful practices.
Hi everyone and welcome to the Freely she Could podcast. This podcast is a platform where stories, advice, insight and experiences will be shared for women to grow in their relationship with Jesus and others. I'm your host, soli, and I'm excited to be here with you On this podcast. We'll talk about faith, family, health, work and relationships, and so much more. The goal is to create a community of women who are encouraged, inspired and empowered to live out their faith in the world. I believe that when women come together and share their stories, we can make a difference. So, whether you're new here or you've been walking with Jesus for years, I hope you'll join us in this journey and I'm so glad you're with us. What's up? Welcome to another week of Freely she Could podcast. So glad that you're joining us here again for another week and for another episode.
Speaker 1:In today's episode, we're going to talk about overcoming doubt and fear in faith, and so I wanted to start off with some pretty stark data that I had found. They're called Barna Group and they were a group of people that study trends of faith, and I believe this study was done early 2021 or 2022, but they studied data about women and their faith journey with the Lord, and so about a large percentage I would say over 50, I think it was 73% said that most find joy in their pursuit of faith. Now, that's a really high number. That's pretty significant to say and to show. But on the other hand of that, there was only 3% of women that admitted that they felt fear and doubt, and there was even a smaller number of those who talked about their in this study. They said traditional sins, so things like lust, envy and so forth, and when they were asked the question of what sins do you struggle with, they went into being disorganized and or being inefficient. That's pretty crazy to say that women were not likely to admit to again in this language traditional sins but were saying that their struggle with sin was more for being disorganized, inefficient, than anything else. So that was an interesting study that I had come upon, and in the study they asked a question playing devil's advocate in a sense. Right, and so when I was looking through these questions, I thought similarly to these thoughts, because I also wondered how much of this is true. So some of the questions that the study asked were well, how much of this self-assessment was believable?
Speaker 1:So this was an anonymous phone call survey, and so it was not in person, it was not in front of a interviewer or anything like that. Do few women really struggle with fear, doubt and confusion? Do they really think disorganization is their biggest sin? Or are women reluctant to admit their shortcomings, even in an anonymous survey? Even in an anonymous survey? That was so interesting because when I went up and looked to Texas Health and ADAA, they said 23.4% of women struggle with anxiety. 24, almost 24% of women struggle with anxiety. Now, I'm sure that number has changed over the years, but when I look at the Barna Group study and it said only 3% of women admitted that they felt fear and doubt, but in according to Texas Health and according to the ADAA, which is the Association of Anxiety, 23.4% of women struggled with anxiety. So then my question becomes how many of us feel comfortable holding in one hand that we do indeed feel joy in our journey with the Lord, but also grapple and struggle with doubt and fear just as much, if not the same, in certain seasons? And so it brought me back to the story when I was about seven years old.
Speaker 1:I was at this church that my parents were attending, and my parents were immigrants from Korea, so we went to a diasporic church which was full of immigrant Korean families and second gen Koreans, and I'd love to do a podcast about that and just working through growing up as an immigrant child but also in a culture like Korean culture, that's, I think, very complex, very beautiful, but also very challenging and tough in so many other ways. So, seven years old, I'm at this church and I volunteered to compete. They had like a singing competition for the young kids, and so I was like, oh, I want to compete, I love to sing. I lead worship now with my husband, but when I was seven, I practiced really hard and the song was in Korean, while Korean was my first language by this age. I forgot a lot of Korean because I had to go to ESL, learn English, and so Korean was very diminished in my mind as a language. And I'm practicing, though, because I really want to get this song, and so I go up there. It's competition day and as I'm up there, the piano starts and I forget everything. I forget the lyrics. There are over 100 people at this competition audience watching and I forget everything.
Speaker 1:I try to pick up in certain parts that I remember and I couldn't remember anything, and I remember making this inner vow in me and I, of course, didn't know back at that time I was making an inner vow, but I made this vow in my heart that I said I'm never going to sing again. I'm never going to sing in front of people again. And that was it. And any time that there was an opportunity growing up to sing or to speak in front of people, I refused. I was like absolutely not, I'm not doing that again. Because I was so traumatized from that experience. I was like I'm not going to put myself on that, on that struggle anymore. I'm not going to put myself on that forefront anymore. Fast forward, I get saved. When I was in college, I was 20, fast forward, I get saved. When I was in college, I was 20, just about turning 21. And in 2014, 2015, january, I decided to go to YWAM.
Speaker 1:Heart the love of singing and worshiping. But remember, I made that promise when I was seven and I said I'm not singing in front of people ever again. Like no way, jose, I'm not doing that. Like just no. But the Lord just kept pressing on my heart my love for worship and singing and even playing guitar. Heart my love for worship and singing and even playing guitar, and I had friends out there that really challenged me to sing and to lead worship. And so, when it was a six month program, three months you would train on bass and then three months they would send you on a mission field and I, my team and I, we were sent to the Southeast part of Africa and I was selected to be the team's worship leader.
Speaker 1:Now y'all when I tell you that my fear was heightened like no other, and it was only like seven people on my team, but that also meant that I had to lead worship when we went to different churches and orphanages and I was not having it. I was like going different churches and orphanages and I was not having it. I was like going to my team leader and I was like you have to change this because I can't be the worship leader. I mean, there's other people on our team that can sing and play guitar. They should be the worship leader. And my team leader's like no, we really felt like the Lord wanted you to be our worship leader for this team and and I was like, oh, my goodness God, like you're so funny when I'm like no, I'm not going to do it, you're just like, fine, I'll send you your own whale, like Jonah. And I was like, ah, fine, lord. And so I go, I sing, but I'm so nervous I mean I, when I tell you like anxiety, sweat and just so much fear, I was like God, I don't know if I can do this now. Mind you, I love the Lord and I was just so excited and I was so filled with joy serving on that trip, but yet I was so anxious about singing, about playing guitar, and I was like I can't do this, god. I come back from the trip. It's now December of 2015. 2016 comes, 17, 18.
Speaker 1:And during those years, I call it the dark night of my soul, which I could do another podcast for another time, but I didn't sing. I just couldn't, because when you just feel like your soul's in an abyss, I was like God, I just need your presence more than anything else. And so I wasn't able to sing, and I know, you know it's like well, sing through your worship, sing to the promise, sing to freedom. All these statements are great, but during that time, I just didn't have a song, I just had tears, and I know that the Lord collected all my tears in those seasons and so in 2021, I had a friend who worked for a church and he's like I really feel like God is asking you to step out again in worship leading and I was like my goodness, all right, let me, let me step out in faith. He's like great, I want you to play guitar and sing worship with me on Easter and I'm like seriously like that's the church's major holiday and that's when you want me to sing again. He's like the weekend before I went to a conference when I was working as a administrative assistant at this time for a Christian college.
Speaker 1:I went and my friends were invited to lead worship and they knew my history with singing and the fear of it and worship and you know, they also knew that I loved to worship and things like that. And they were starting to sing a song. It's called no Longer Slaves by Bethel, and they started to sing that song and I felt the Lord just come over me. But I felt the fear also rise in me at the same time and my friend looked at me, dead in the eyes, and said and just waved her hand, like come, come, and I want you to sing this. And I felt frozen to the ground. My feet did not feel like they were going to budge, they felt so heavy, like bricks. And that was the moment where I felt the Lord say sing through the fear. I felt the Lord say sing through the fear. And so I was singing no Longer Slaves to myself as I was taking step by step towards that mic.
Speaker 1:Now, it's not about the mic, it's not about worshiping or leading worship in front of people, but I realized that my fear of worshiping and singing was also my fear of worshiping God, because I was so consumed with the fear about other people leading worship and even the, the fear and the trauma that I went through as a kid that was playing a role in the way that I viewed worship and worshiping God. And so I took a step and again, anxiety, sweat, I mean it was, it was not pretty. And as I was going up there, I took the mic and I started singing no Longer Slaves and I was crying through it, but in that I felt the freedom and the chains breaking over the fear that I had when I was a kid. And so when that Easter service came up a week later, I was able to do it, still felt fear, right, but it wasn't gripping, it wasn't suffocating, and I was able to sing with freedom and joy. And that was over 10 years of me making this inner vow that I'm never going to sing.
Speaker 1:And God's like nope, I need you to sing. And it brought me to this verse, psalms 23 4, and says even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff. They comfort me. And so, even though I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, with singing and feeling that anxiety, yet feeling the joy when I was saved, I still felt fear and doubt. But in that moment, when I was at that retreat conference and the Lord said sing through the fear, sing through the doubt, sing through all that you are questioning and wondering, and trust that I will be there with you through it all. And it's not about an answer, it's not about the miracle or the circumstances to change. Now they could very much so, because God is a wonder, working God. But even if he doesn't, he is still worthy of worship, even through the doubt and fears of our faith journey, the doubt and fears of our faith journey. And so, knowing that he is with us. He is with you, despite the fear and the doubt.
Speaker 1:I would wonder, with that data that was presented by the Barna group, I wonder how many of us are afraid to admit the fear and doubt because of how it would look to those around us, right? How much I feared to show that, I was afraid to sing in front of other people, this anxiety that I felt because I just didn't want to look weak in front of others, right, I didn't want to look weak in front of others, right? I didn't want to admit my shortcomings. But the Lord even says it's in our weakness that he is strengthened. He gets the glory in our weakness, and so when we worship, when we pray, when we seek out his face in our weakness, in our weakness, we will see him. We will see him, and so I want to offer some tips and advice for overcoming these challenges.
Speaker 1:It's not if fear, doubt or anxiety will come. They will. It's the question of well, when it comes, how will I respond? You know this word was so timely because today at church, my pastor talked about James 1 and said Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. So when fear, doubt and anxiety comes, fear, doubt and anxiety comes, what type of opportunity will you take to create a space for joy to come? Right, and that's different for everyone. It could be journaling, it could be singing, it could be worshiping, it could be blogging, it could be writing poetry, writing a story, writing prayers down I mean, psalms is a book of prayers, a book of lament, right? What type of opportunity is he offering to you to be filled with great joy? And so my challenge and my question to you is how will you choose to respond to trials that come your way? Because they will come. But how will you choose to respond?
Speaker 1:And I just want to add in this little insert here, because this has happened to me and I don't know about you, but for me, as a recovering perfectionist, I like, when trials come, I'm like, oh perfect, I have my recipe, I have my checklist, this is how I'm going to overcome trials. Okay, but I hate to burst the bubble here, but it does not work that way every time. It doesn't work that way every time. This recipe or this checklist may work for certain trials, but it may not work for a new trial or maybe even an old trial that comes by, but again, that word opportunity. What opportunity will you seek and will you create to find space for joy to be filled? And it's going to look different, and that's okay, because as we mature, as we grow in our journey with Christ, it's always bound to change and that's okay.
Speaker 1:Being comfortable with being uncomfortable is really the message here and listen, I'm preaching to myself because I do not like feeling uncomfortable. But in order to walk into the fullness of what God has for you and I, embracing uncertainty and uncomfortability will create greater space for God to work. And so again, how will you choose to respond to trials that come your way? Thank you for listening in and supporting freely. She could podcast. Now, before we end today's podcast or this episode, I want to invite you to bring other people into your life to help you process thoughts that come up, thoughts that come to mind, and make sure you follow and share. I hope you join us on Freely she Could Instagram and stay tuned for the next week's episode where we are going to talk about dying to self. Y'all, it's going to be a good one, it's going to be a tough one, but dying to self, god gets the glory. See you next week.