FreelySHEcould Podcast
The goal is to create a community of women who are encouraged, inspired, and empowered to live out their faith in the world.
FreelySHEcould Podcast
Episode 4: Faith's Role in a United Partnership
What does it truly mean to put someone else first in a marriage? Join us as Steve and I, Soli, share an honest conversation about the relentless journey of "dying to self" within our relationship. We talk about the transition from our single lives, where personal interests reigned supreme, to a shared life that demands daily sacrifices. Steve opens up about the challenges he faced in prioritizing God and his marriage, moving away from his passions for music and socializing. Listen along as we exchange stories about the seemingly small things—like making the bed or handling a “purgatory basket” of clothes—that can hold great significance for harmony and communication in our partnership.
Our dialogue extends into the spiritual realm, delving into how faith in Christ shapes this journey of transformation. We explore the beauty and struggles of loving Christ over familiar sins, and the profound impact this has on our marriage. As a wife, embracing faith means acknowledging that my way isn't always the right way and valuing the importance of respect and unity. Steve and I dig into how our different communication styles—his introversion and my detailed approach—can enrich our relationship despite the challenges. Discover how these differences don't just test our patience but ultimately serve to strengthen our bond and faith journey together.
Hi everyone and welcome to the Freely she Could podcast. This podcast is a platform where stories, advice, insight and experiences will be shared for women to grow in their relationship with Jesus and others. I'm your host, soli, and I'm excited to be here with you On this podcast. We'll talk about faith, family, health, work and relationships, and so much more. The goal is to create a community of women who are encouraged, inspired and empowered to live out their faith in the world. I believe that when women come together and share their stories, we can make a difference. So, whether you're new here or you've been walking with Jesus for years, I hope you'll join us in this journey and I'm so glad you're with us. What's up y'all? Welcome back to Freely she Could Podcast and for our mini little episodes, better Together. I have a special guest with me here my wonderful husband Steve.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me. Hey, honey, how are you baby?
Speaker 1:I'm good, so I wanted him to come on here. Last episode we talked about dying to self and I thought it'd be interesting having a conversation as a married couple. We've only been married for a couple of years now, so we're still learning along the way, but what has it been and what has it looked like to die to self?
Speaker 2:Just broadly speaking. So as a husband, your responsibility is to put your wife before yourself, and so really, the whole concept of marriage is the whole thing is learning how to die to yourself. Really, the whole concept of marriage is learning how to die to yourself. When I was single, I would spend my time how I wanted. I would prioritize even self-care things, I would prioritize work. I would prioritize time with friends. I would prioritize things that gave me life For me.
Speaker 2:I'm a musician. So playing music, playing out places, doing studio recordings. When they get married, that all has to fall in line. So what I was taught and I believe this is very biblical is it's God first, it's your wife and then everything else, and so so for me it's been a journey of learning how to prioritize God above everything and I've been a believer for nine-ish years or so, but really like really learning how to prioritize him over my own selfish desires of my own. What would I want to do? And then the very next priority is showing up for my wife. So what does that actually look like? It means making the bed in the morning. It means not leaving my stuff all over the house In the purgatory pile.
Speaker 1:We've had to get rid of chairs, guys, for our purgatory pile, yeah.
Speaker 2:And purgatory is also referring to when you have kind of dirty clothes like you wore them, but they're not super dirty yet, where they're going to go in a hamper but they're not clean either so they can't go back in the drawer Right of course. So they end up on the floor, or a chair, or we've compromised. We both had to die to ourselves there.
Speaker 1:Now he has a purgatory basket.
Speaker 2:Yeah, now he has a purgatory basket. Yeah, so I think dying to self has been, and it's been, a journey of learning to prioritize solely, learning to prioritize my wife over even things, that that I want or need, and this was. This is a journey. You know, when we first got married we had many fights because I had no idea how to prioritize solely. I came home late one time. We were working on my car with a friend. I didn't get home until 2 in the morning and Sully was pissed at me, and rightly so.
Speaker 2:I was just kind of like excuse me, sir, yeah, I didn't communicate. I'm just like baby, I'm'm doing my thing.
Speaker 1:I just fixed the car, I just fixed I had to fix the car and do the brakes and now, granted, like if that was communicated that would have been fine. I think that was where our learning or our area of growth was was communicating like hey, like just letting you know this is what I'm doing and this is what it looks like. I think that's dying to self too, like communicating hey, like this is what I'm gonna do, like I'm just letting you know I'm filling you in, and not just like not saying anything and just going off and doing whatever.
Speaker 2:Learning how to communicate. That's another dying to self point. Because I'm an introvert, I tend to kind of live in my head and I don't always verbalize what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, and so that doesn't work in marriage. You have to talk, you have to say what you're thinking and really communicate where you're at, so you're both on the same page. And if you're not on the same page, like it comes out in different ways and there are consequences to that. And so learning how to prioritize solely so she knows where I'm at, so that that's. That's another way that I've learned to die to myself.
Speaker 1:And I think to like. Men and women are just wired so differently. Like women, in my mind, I think we're just more wired to be able to talk and communicate and say what we need to say and everything's very much detailed. But for men, from what I've observed, is that more introverted, or communication is not necessarily the way that women would tend to communicate, and so it also translates differently when you get married. And it's my expectation, or managing my expectation of like well, this is how I communicate, why is he not communicating the way that I think he should communicate? And then also, you know we would have conversations where it's like well, you would say to me, like well, like I, I would think that you would know what I'm thinking.
Speaker 2:I feel like I don't know what you're thinking, right, I don't know what you're thinking Right, Right, so yeah, but those are a few examples of of of how I've learned to die to myself. But I mean, if you want to go even a little bit deeper, when you're in a relationship with Christ, you are called to deny yourself and to pick up your cross and to follow him. And so if you're holding on to whatever the sin issue is in your life, you know it could be lust it could be addiction, it could be gambling, even anger, anger, rage.
Speaker 1:Those are big ones I feel like are not talked about either.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and so, whatever your major issues are.
Speaker 2:And so, whatever, whatever your major issues are, whatever your vices whatever your, your, sin vice is, it cannot survive in a marriage, cannot survive, and so, and that'll really that, that that's true. Dying to self, bringing your sins before Jesus and having him truly change your heart, I mean, that's stuff, that that's the essence of faith in Christ. That's the essence. It's learning to love him, learning to love Jesus and to not love the sin, thing that you've chased for so many years. You probably never even lived, you know known life without that thing and it's familiar, like that's what you know.
Speaker 2:But learning how to die to yourself is is learning how to love Christ, how to love your wife, Like Christ loved the church. It's, it's a. It's a, it's a lifestyle change, and no one dies to themselves. Naturally it's a supernatural process that Christ does and all we can do is submit ourselves to him. It's. We come to the cross and we just we say I cannot do this, but you can, so I will let you do this as a as a mentor of mine has has walked me through that's so good, that's so good.
Speaker 1:You know it's when you're sharing. It makes me think about, like as a a wife and as a woman, what are things or what does dying to self look like? I think there are similar overlaps, but I think there are also stark differences, like when I think about in Ephesians where it talks about, you know, husbands, love your wives as the church, but then wives it's not love your wives as the church, but then wives it's not love your husband as the church, it's respect your husband. And you know I, before I was saved, I had come out of this very of the feminist movement, of what we know as it is today, and you know I believed a lot of the ideologies that were shared in this movement, while granted, with women, history and what women had to go through, you know, voting rights and everything, even in ancient times, of how women were viewed Right, there were a lot of challenges that women have had to go through to be able to see, be seen as equal, right, right. With that being said, I think there's a very fine threshold, a very fine line that can easily be crossed if you do not have some sort of standard or measure to put it up against, especially when you become a wife, and a wife that is actively wanting to pursue faith and pursue Jesus Christ. And so dying to self as a wife for these past few years that I've experienced is one my way is not always the right way, and someone had once said to me is that hill really worth dying on? And that really changed my perspective, because we were in a, an argument of some sorts and as we're talking through this argument, I remember the person said to me everything you said was good, but you're still trying to be right. And I was like no, I'm not, I'm just. I'm just simply explaining why my perspective is better, or my perspective is the better way to think of it, you know. And that person was like that's still trying to be right.
Speaker 1:And through that process I learned that when God brings you and your spouse together, that union is what is sacred, and what the world tells us today about it is totally opposite. It's like you do you this very individualistic approach. Now I'm not saying when you know, with us being married, that like he can't be his own person and I can't be my own person, but our union and the sacredness of us being together is the most important out of everything and anything else, and that even means my own opinions, or the way that I clean the house and the steps it takes to the way that I think the house should be cleaned Right, like. Those are the things that have to be. I have to die to you because if it's going to affect the us and I'm not willing to compromise, then I'm missing the point of the sacredness of covenant.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so that was like one of the biggest things I think that I had to learn about dying to self. I think another dying to self is, you know, when Steve and I talk, we're very much we would say like I'm very much like a fiery personality and Steve is very much mellow, like water and the way that I communicate can be very passionate and very filled with a lot of zeal, and my, my tone and my uh inflections in my voice change very drastically.
Speaker 1:But when Steve talks, he's very, very calm and consistent and very even keeled in his formalities and in his voice. And so something I've had to really learn is that I may be expressing myself in one way that I think is appropriate or is fitting for the situation, but that doesn't mean that the way that Steve is intaking or processing what I'm saying is going to be the same. And so if I have to adjust the way that I'm talking in order to have Steve take benefit of what I'm trying to say and have him process it in a way that's going to work for him, that means also dying to myself of what's familiar.
Speaker 1:Well, I can't just say well, this is just the way I talk, this is just the way I you know that doesn't work, because if the person next to me is saying, I have no idea what you're saying, like, this is just a lot of information you're throwing at me and I'm unwilling to change, to get him on the same page, because he's not my enemy. He's trying to get on the same page as me. It's just a different way of getting there and that's that's okay. That's the whole point.
Speaker 1:I think, too, of marriage and sharpening one another, because if he talked the same way I talked, or if he was the same person as me just in a male form, holy cow, I think I would have a conniption. We would kill each other, I think. I think it would be too much. But because Steve is the way he is and because I am the way I am, god has been using our differences to really sharpen us. And again, we're not perfect, we don't have all the answers, we're still learning about being married. But even in that short time, god has just shown us that some fights are just not worth fighting about or for and that sometimes it's okay to just let it go and say all right, let's agree to disagree, it's not that deep.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and to your point too, I think similarly, like the essence. I would say a lot of the essence of Christianity is really is dying to yourself so that you can have the fullness of Christ In a marriage. When you die to yourself, it brings you closer to the fullness of your marriage Because you no longer want your way, you want our way. That's good, and you want what God has for your marriage. And marriage is like the most honestly. It's been the most beautiful experience.
Speaker 1:Paul talks about it being a mystery, the closest thing to being with Christ.
Speaker 2:That's right it. It really is a mystery how Christ works um in in the context and the covenant of marriage, and so, like I want that fullness, I want the fullness of our marriage Cause when, when we are able to submit our ways to him and to each other, we've had some of the most holy moments. We've had just great times together, praying.
Speaker 1:Awesome Worshiping. Yeah she could well. Thanks y'all for joining. Thank you to steve for joining this podcast. Yeah, it was fun. Come back on again. Well, thanks for joining freely. She could, and we'll look forward to seeing you next week. Have a good one, you.