FreelySHEcould Podcast
The goal is to create a community of women who are encouraged, inspired, and empowered to live out their faith in the world.
FreelySHEcould Podcast
Episode 5: Building Stronger Connections with Empathy and Honesty
Why do many Christian women struggle with forming deep friendships, and how can we overcome these challenges? In our latest episode of the Freely She Could podcast, I, Soli, invite you to join me on a journey through the intricate dynamics of community and friendships. We explore the necessity of vulnerability and intentionality, particularly when faced with confrontation and conflict. Drawing insights from a thought-provoking article, we uncover how our fast-paced culture affects these relationships, urging us to reevaluate our approach to connection through the teachings of Jesus. Discover how embodying His love and compassion can transform the way we interact with one another.
Prepare to rethink friendship through the metaphor of "different types of soup." I share a personal story that highlights cultural expectations when my friends didn't bring me soup while I was sick—a custom deeply rooted in my Korean American heritage. This led me to reflect on how different expressions of care, like texts, calls, or gestures of encouragement, can enrich our bonds. By understanding these diverse expressions, we learn the importance of communication, using "I" statements to prevent misunderstandings and build healthier relationships. As we wrap up this episode, we challenge you to evaluate your friendships against these insights and get ready for our next conversation on healing and restoration in community.
Hi everyone and welcome to the Freely she Could podcast. This podcast is a platform where stories, advice, insight and experiences will be shared for women to grow in their relationship with Jesus and others. I'm your host, soli, and I'm excited to be here with you On this podcast. We'll talk about faith, family, health, work and relationships, and so much more. The goal is to create a community of women who are encouraged, inspired and empowered to live out their faith in the world. I believe that when women come together and share their stories, we can make a difference. So, whether you're new here or you've been walking with Jesus for years, I hope you'll join us in this journey and I'm so glad you're with us. What's up, guys? Welcome back to Freely she Could Podcast. What's up, guys? Welcome back to Freely she Could Podcast. Thank you so much for all your support and your encouragement and just being here on this journey with me. This podcast has been a lifelong dream, and so the fact that we're on episode five. I'm so grateful, I'm so humbled and I'm also just so encouraged by you. The audience listening in and even just letting me know how it impacted you has been such a blessing for me and even in our launch of our mini series to have my husband, steve, join in. I really just want to give a shout out to him. He's been on the backstage of all of this with the music and producing it, editing it. He's really been a constant cheerleader and support while I'm pursuing this, and so I just have to give him a shout out because he's just been an awesome, awesome rock for me in this time, and so, with that, I want to talk about a little bit of our mini series. So our mini series Better Together is where guests will come in and we'll get to share our experiences, talk about some questions that you guys might have, processing it from different perspectives because that's why we are the body there are many different opinions and perspectives and learning how to navigate through maybe even topics or understandings that we may not all fully agree, but that's okay. That's the whole idea of being in community and also working through the tough parts of being in a community.
Speaker 1:And, with that being said, this month's topic is going to be about you guessed it community, and for today's episode, we are going to talk about friendships. What does it look like to be a good friend, how to be a good friend, and different types of soup. I know you're probably like huh, different type of soup. You're probably thinking what are you talking about? Girl Soup? I thought we were talking about friends soup. I thought we were talking about friends. I know we are, but this was a phrase that was given to me and it impacted and shaped my way of understanding friendships in such a helpful way, and so we'll get to it. So hold on, put on your seatbelts and join me on this ride. Okay, the first thing we're going to talk about is vulnerability. Secondly, intentionality, and then your third, truly soup. Okay, so, vulnerability.
Speaker 1:I was reading this article with journeyguycom and he wrote about observations he had made with Christian women and why they seem to struggle with friendships. And so at first, when I came upon this article, I was like interesting with friendships. And so, at first, when I came upon this article, I was like interesting, what is he going to say? What is his observations? And as I read through some of them, I happen to agree with a couple of them, actually, and I want to share the ones that I agreed with with you, Okay. So first was that women generally dislike confrontation and conflict. Okay, I'll come back to that. Secondly, friendships require vulnerability and thirdly, our culture is busy and fast paced. So those three were the ones that really stood out to me and I thought to myself those are pretty spot on in my experience why friendships are challenging as a Christian woman and, I think, as a woman in general. So first, he had pointed out that generally women dislike confrontation and conflict. So I don't know if you remember, if you haven't checked it out in my previous episodes I had talked about a Barna study group about how women were on a anonymous phone call survey about their struggles with sin or traditional sins, and a lot of the women that responded to this anonymous phone survey actually hesitated or had a really hard time admitting to real struggles, ie lust, greed, envy, jealousy, things like that. However, women were more pervy to admitting that they struggled with a messy home or chaos in their work schedule or something that felt a little more surface than depth, and so I thought that was interesting when I came upon this observation is that even in an anonymous phone survey, as the Barna Group had put out in their data that women also anonymously had challenges with confrontation and conflict. And so what does that mean for women who are in relationships or in friendships face to face, in your community, in your church, in your school, in your apartment, in your living space Right, what does that really look like? Women find it easier to avoid deep friendships.
Speaker 1:I'm not sure how much I really agree with that sentiment, but I do think there is that validity to this idea of confrontation and conflict. I think for me personally and my friends that I am around, confrontation and conflict is not fun. It's not something where we will wake up in the morning, go wonderful, I'm so excited to get into conflict with people around me. I don't think that's our first idea or our first thought in the morning when we wake up. And so when I was reading this article, I come. I was just reflecting back on some of my relationships with the people around me and I come to realize that I think the reason why we have a challenge with I'll say challenge right, I don't think we all avoid conflict, but I think there are challenges as we navigate, depending on the type of relationship that you have with that other person right, it's the idea of like, what does it look like, of moving forward. And so as I continue to reflect on that, I realized that it's because it requires vulnerability.
Speaker 1:And Brene Brown, I think she said it amazingly. She is a social worker down in Texas and she speaks all over the world and she's awesome, but I really liked her definition of vulnerability. She says, and I quote we cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable selves to be deeply seen and known and when we honor the connection that grows from the offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. Love is not something we give or get, is something that we nurture and grow. A connection that can only be cultivated between two people takes two to tango when it exists within each of one of them. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Unquote.
Speaker 1:All right, I really liked that quote and I'll break it down in just a couple different ways. So one, I really like that idea that it's a cultivation. I think it is a two-party, two-person party where it takes two to tango, where investment has to be on both sides. It's not something that one person can just invest, invest, invest and then the other person is just taking, taking, taking, right. That's not a cultivation mindset, it isn't a teamwork mindset, which then it becomes really hard for longevity in a relationship, right? Secondly, I also really like that last sentence where she had stated that it is cultivated between two people, when it exists within each one of them. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Speaker 1:I agree with that, and I also, in that same breath, want to add that I also think that some relationships, though, actually teach you how to love well. I had a really close friend in college and she moved away, but I had a really close friend in college and she really taught me what it looked like to be intentional and to love someone when it gets hard, through conflict, through the tough conversations, and I had no idea how to do that before her, but she actually showed me this is what a healthy relationship looked like, and it taught me how to be a better friend, and, while it was hard and uncomfortable in a lot of ways putting myself in a vulnerable position like that and allowing for trust and respect and kindness and affection, and also our hiccups to be in a safe space like that, it allowed me to understand what it looks like to be a friend and how to be the friend that I want to be for others and what type of friend that I want for myself, and so I also want to say that in the same breath, because I think sometimes we have this idea as well Maybe not everyone, but I know for me I did when I was younger is that, oh well, I don't really know how to love or I don't really know how to X Y Z, so therefore I must not be able to be qualified to be in a relationship to give X Y Z, which is also. I don't think that's entirely true. I also think that there are those special friends and those special relationships that really teach you what it looks like to be a good friend. I also want to bring up Proverbs 17,. 17 talks about a friend loves at all times and a brother is born for a time of adversity. I think that is such a good understanding and example of vulnerability.
Speaker 1:But also into the second point intentionality In adversity. Let me try that again, folks, in adversity, I think there are moments when it really shapes our character. It's either we respond in doing the next right thing or we allow it to shape us, and then that determines how we then again respond to being vulnerable and also will we choose to be intentional again. So let me give an example. I have a friend years back where her and I would constantly try to meet up, but we were living super far and we just never found the time and we would have to have conversations resolving the idea of why aren't we meeting up right, why is the intentionality not working? And I think that's going to bleed in a little bit into my third point, with a different type of soup. But before I get there, I think the fact that we were allowing and willing to be vulnerable in having the tough conversations, I think is just as important as seeing each other actually in person. Right, if the circumstances don't allow it, then I think that there's grace that needs to be extended to one another, because life happens to everybody and we can't control when and how life happens. Right, but again, we just need to allow ourselves to have the grace and the space to be able to have the conversation, to talk about what our needs are and, even when we agree to disagree, learning what it looks like to move forward.
Speaker 1:Okay, then secondly, intentionality. Intentionality, I think, is about being very mindful or considerate of the other person. Again, we talked briefly on self-esteem in a couple previous episodes. It's not thinking less of yourself, but it's thinking of yourself less. So if I have a friend, for example, one of my closest friends. She had experienced a really challenging life event and she lives quite far away and we ended up getting together and I drove down to see her. And that was intentional, because I think in adversity, that's when we really get to develop these relationships and it starts to shape the culture or even the what type of friendship do we want this to be? And so intentionality, I think, also requires sacrifice, because there's not always going to be a time, like I had said with my friend years ago, right, there was never a consistent every month we're going to meet, right, because again, because again life. But when we did meet, we were very intentional about being present for one another, putting our phones away, catching up and talking and not holding resentment of, oh well, we didn't see each other for X amount of time. Again, I think it's because grace is necessary for us to be able to be in this relationship. And I even think about Jesus and I think he is the perfect example of friendship and how he lives with friends and how he does life with others.
Speaker 1:Jesus was present, even amongst, with the disciples. We don't get to see it fully in the Bible, but Jesus was with his disciples for three years and they didn't just do ministry together. There are so many moments, I'm sure, where they ate together, when they're walking and they're talking right when there's conflict, because when there's 12 of you, I'm sure put 12 of even your closest friends, you guys are going to have disagreements and and opinions on things differently, and that's okay. But again, navigating through that because it's not like they could just split I mean, they could technically, but they chose not to because I think Jesus also, in conflict, showed that it's not about cutting off and I hate to say it and it's unfortunate, but I think we live in a culture that's so quick to just cut people off and, granted, there might be some relationships where you have to establish boundaries because it's just not safe. However, to label every relationship that comes with conflict as unsafe, I think is a big generalization and that is unsafe to also say and so, with that being said, I think Jesus exemplifies friendship in such a profound and great way. He's so intentional, he goes and pursues his disciples and friends outside of his disciples. He's present, with them, he's not distracted, he serves.
Speaker 1:I even think about the idea of Jesus washing his disciples feet at the last supper, and I think about that and I'm like holy cow I'm thinking about. We think about Judas a lot, but even Peter denied him, and yet he knew that one of his closest friends was going to look him in the face and deny him, and yet Jesus still washed his feet. That shows just the idea of. It's not a demand or expectation he had for how he should be treated by them. He had for how he should be treated by them, but he considered himself or thought of himself less in order to exalt his friends. And I think that is such an act of humility, I think it's an act of sacrifice, I think it's also an act of forgiveness that I think in our culture or in the ways that we've grown up, or experiences have shaped our responses. That's not our natural bend right and that's not a condemnation, that's just a maybe look and see. In what ways does this shape? Or your experiences have shaped your responses.
Speaker 1:And so, with the intentionality, it comes to my third point a different kind of soup. Yes, we finally made it to the soup phrase. I kept saying soup and you're probably like what in the world is this girl talking about? All right, so let me go into a little bit of story time. Okay, I was talking with my pastor and I a few months ago and I was really sick and I it was just one of those seasons where I just could not get away from being sick. And I had friends of mine, you know, text me, check up on me, call me. But in my culture, growing up Korean American, I grew up with, if your friend is sick, you go and bring a physical soup or food for them, right. That's just how I grew up. And so I started to feel a little hurt because I was like my friends, yeah, they're texting me, but like no soup, nothing, you know, and I'm like I'm not. At first I was like getting a little salty about this and I was like why am I doing this?
Speaker 1:And I think also sidebar, to be a good friend, I think, too, is being introspective about where you can take ownership, because, again, it takes two to tango and as much as that person may have things to be responsible for, I do as well and you can only own your part. You can't control how the other person will respond, and that's okay, but you have full control over how you can respond. And something my mentor said that has stuck with me a lot lately is we will all be held accountable in front of Christ when we see him again, for every word and action. And I'm like, oh my goodness, that's a good, healthy fear of God, of like I should not be just flippant with my words or with my actions or my phrases. Now do we mess up? Do we have hiccups? Are we in a sanctification process? Absolutely, but it's all about growing and not staying stagnant.
Speaker 1:So, as I was, you know, sick and back to my soup story I was talking to my pastor and I remember telling him, you know, about my cultural expectations, because those are very real as well. And as I'm talking about my expectations, he goes you know, I think, just be careful that your expectations does not put a pressure or project this certain level of expectation on your friends, because that can hurt your relationship with others. I was like interesting, do tell, tell me more. And he said well, to you and how you grew up. It was a physical soup to someone else. When they text you or give you a phone call, maybe it's a phone call type of soup or an encouragement type of soup or a, you know, intentional type of soup of let's hang out when you're better, right.
Speaker 1:And so that actually really clicked for me in my mind because it helped me to see I don't know if you've heard of love languages which is a very real thing and also helpful but it's understanding that not everyone is like you. Not everyone will understand or expect things like you, nor can everyone read your mind of what your needs are or how you do things, even if you've been friends for years. Okay, it's just about being human and we're learning how to be human together. And I think that hits on being vulnerable. Being intentional, right, when we have expectations on friends and I've had them on my friends right To have vulnerable moments and say, hey, can you clarify this? Because in my mind I felt, right, make sure you use your I statements, folks, because that can go not great either if you start you, you, you, you-ing people, okay.
Speaker 1:Secondly, being intentional, pursuing others. You'd never know even your closest friends. You never know what's going on in their minds, never know what's going on in their lives, right, it's different when we're behind closed doors, even with roommates. I remember living with my roommates and some of them are still one of my closest friends today and you still don't know what goes on in their mind because you're not in their mind. So, being intentional about pursuing them, checking in on them and also being okay that there are different types of soup, different types of intentionality, different types of vulnerability, and being okay and letting go of maybe standards or expectations you have so that you can allow room and space for love and belonging and acceptance and growth to happen in your relationships.
Speaker 1:So I want to challenge you what type of friend would you like to be? What does it look like to be a good friend and how does the friendships that we see with Jesus and other people align with the way we are being friends to others? Like the Beatitudes challenge I gave you a couple weeks ago, let that be with friendship as well. See Jesus's interactions with others on forgiveness, on conflict, on being vulnerable, on being intentional of pursuing, and how does it differ from yours? If it differs greatly, that's okay. Let that be a learning and growth moment of how can I be more like Jesus today? All right, y'all well, thanks again for joining freely she could. On community and friendships, and I'll see you next week where we are going to talk about healing and restoration in community. All right, y'all have a great day. See you later.